Y'all blew me AWAY last update! There were so many reviews - no way I could even begin to keep up with responses, but please know I read and adored each and every single one of them! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Shameless self promotion... If you want to keep up with some of my non fan fiction endeavors, feel free to check out my blog - link is in my profile. (Shameless...)
And now, Damon and Elena talk.
Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Diaries.
"Mama, am I missin' recess?" Molly asked from the backseat of Elena's SUV. Elena glanced in the rearview mirror as she drove towards Molly's school.
"No," she promised. "You aren't missing recess." She smiled to herself as she pulled to a stop at an intersection. She glanced both directions before continuing on. Molly would be a little more than two hours late to school, and only be there for a few hours, but the preschool year was winding down and Elena wanted her to be at school as much as she could, given how much she already missed for races.
"I'm gonna tell everyone dat my daddy winned da race," Molly stated.
"Daddy will love that," Elena said. She felt both pleasant warmth and a twist of her stomach at the thought of Damon.
"Mama?"
"Yes?"
"Why did you kiss Daddy at da race?"
Elena's heart skipped a beat. She didn't regret kissing Damon, not in the slightest. She had been dangerously close to kissing him a few times, and knew it was only a matter of time before her lips ended up on his. She did, however, regret that she had chosen such a public place to do it. Not only had his family, his crew, and the press witnessed it, and snapped plenty of photos, Molly had witnessed it as well. And Molly was the one person she wanted to protect at all costs.
"Mama was excited," she said, trying to explain in a way Molly would understand. "That's why I kissed Daddy after the race was over." Molly was quiet, considering. Elena had just started to think Molly had accepted her answer when she spoke again.
"Do you love Daddy?"
"What?" Elena asked in surprise.
"Do you love Daddy?" Molly repeated. Elena swallowed hard.
"We talked about this," she said. "A few nights ago, remember? I told you I like your daddy…"
"But do you love him?" Molly pressed. "Love is not like, Mama." Elena sighed, her eyes on the road. Sometimes, Molly was too smart for her own good.
"It's complicated, sweetheart," she said.
"What does comp-e-cated mean?" Molly continued.
"It means – confusing," Elena explained. "Molly, you don't need to worry about your daddy and I. All you need to know is that we both love you, more than anything else in this entire world. No matter what, we love you."
"But do you love Daddy?" Molly pressed. Elena damned Damon under her breath, blaming Molly's persistence on Damon's stubborn genes.
"Yes," Elena finally admitted. "I do love your daddy. But, like I said, it is complicated. And you don't need to worry your pretty little head about it. Let Mama and Daddy figure it out, okay?"
"Okay," Molly agreed. She relaxed back in her car seat and all was quiet for a few minutes.
"Mama?" Elena sighed.
"Yes, Mollly?"
"Are you sure I'm not gonna miss recess?" Elena laughed.
"I'm sure," she promised. "I'm absolutely sure."
Elena placed a tray of cheese and crackers and a pitcher of tea on the coffee table of her living room. She looked at it for a long moment before she changed her mind. "Too much, Elena," she said to herself, picking the tray up and moving it back to the kitchen.
She was a nervous wreck. Damon was due any minute now, and whatever happened over the next couple of hours would determine a lot about the immediate future. In an effort to give herself something to do, she had put together a tray of refreshments, all the while wondering if it was too formal. She wanted them to be comfortable, but she also knew they needed to be serious.
It was time for them to figure out what happened next. She found herself wondering if she went too far, letting Damon get so close before they had this talk. He had brought up the fact that they needed to talk, but she had always managed to shelve the conversation, choosing instead to focus on his relationship with Molly, his issues with Matt, his return to Talladega. There was always something she could distract herself with, some way to avoid the conversation.
She was afraid, both of what she would learn and of losing him again. She wanted to know why Damon left, what he had done in their years apart. She wanted to apologize to him, again, for keeping Molly from him for so long. But finding out the answers to her questions would likely leave her with answers she didn't want to hear. She knew Damon had been off the rails, made a lot of bad decisions. She wondered if she could forgive him, give him another chance. He had said he loved her, told her he wanted her and Molly. What if he changed his mind after they talked? Or what if she couldn't forgive him? She had grown so used to him being there, helping with Molly, spending time with them. Could she give that up again?
Her hands shook as she rearranged the items on the tray, just to give herself something to do. She was still debating over the tray and whether she would bring it out for them when Damon knocked on the door. A moment later it opened.
"Elena?" he called. Elena took a deep breath and walked into the foyer.
"Hey," she greeted nervously. Damon's hands were shoved deep in his pockets. He looked as nervous as she felt. The fact that he had knocked, too, told her he was anxious. These days, he usually walked right in, announcing himself with a shout for her or Molly as he shut the door behind him.
"Hey," he replied. He pursed his lips for a moment. "Did Molly get to school okay?" Elena nodded. They hadn't talked that morning, save for a text from her, asking him to come over around two and his confirmation in reply.
"I dropped her off around ten," she said. She smiled slightly. "She said she couldn't wait to tell everyone her daddy won." Damon smiled in spite of his nerves.
"I'm glad she's got a good story to tell," he said. Elena just nodded. She took a deep breath.
"Do you want anything to drink?" she asked. "Or a snack?" Damon shook his head. He was too nervous to eat, had been since he woke up that morning.
"It's nice out," he ventured. "Not too hot or humid. How about we sit out back, on the patio?" Elena nodded.
"That's not a bad idea," she said, leading the way to the patio. She took a seat in one of the chairs. Damon sat down across from her. Elena had been racking her mind all day, trying to decide where to start. Damon, however, knew exactly what he wanted to say, and he didn't hesitate. He leaned forward, towards Elena, both elbows on his knees as he looked at her.
"Elena, I'm just going to put it all on the table," he told her. "I want you to know, from the start of this, where I stand, what I want." Elena nodded, listening. Damon looked her square in the eye. "I want you," he told her. "I love you. I always have, I always will. I know my actions over the last four years may say differently, but that's the one thing I know to be true – I never stopped loving you." Elena swallowed hard. She had never stopped loving him, either.
"Damon…," she started. He held his hand up.
"Elena, please," he said gently. "Let me get this out, okay?" Leaning back against her chair, Elena nodded.
"I want you. I want you and I want Molly. I want us to be together, as a family. I hate leaving you two at the end of the day. I hate waking up to an empty apartment. I hate missing out on the funny things Molly says and does. I hate that I'm not there at every bedtime. I have already missed enough of her life.
"But you know what else I hate? I hate that you are here, alone. I hate that you are doing all of this on your own – working, taking care of Molly, doing all the household stuff like buying groceries and vacuuming and laundry. Hell, 'Lena, you cut your own grass the other day. That's my job. That's the stuff I want to be here to do – to help you, and love you, and be a family, with you and Molly."
"I have help," Elena countered. She knew it was a weak argument, but she still felt like she needed to make it. She had been too fiercely independent for too long not to. "You help out a lot with Molly. So do your parents and Caroline and Stefan. I'm not some damsel in distress." Damon shook his head.
"You know what I mean," he said. "I want to be here, with you. I want to lighten your burden. I know this isn't going to be a quick fix. I know we aren't going to say a few 'I'm sorrys' and move my stuff in tomorrow. I know that, Elena. I really do. But, I want you to know where I stand. I'm not going down without a fight. I may end up alone, but it won't be because I didn't do everything in my power to show you how sorry I am for the mistakes I made and how much I love the two of you. It won't be because I didn't fight for my girls."
He waited then, giving Elena time to digest everything. The way he called them 'my girls' sent a shiver through Elena.
"Damon, I love you," she admitted. "Even when I hated you, I still loved you. Frankly, it was exhausting, loving you and hating you at the same time. You have no idea how hard it was for me when I first came back here, to see you every day and have all of those conflicting feelings about you."
"What's it like to be around me now?" Damon asked. He was almost afraid to know the answer. Elena shrugged a shoulder.
"It's good, mostly," she admitted. "Sometimes, I find myself forgetting that we have so much history together, that you hurt me so much. And I hurt you too, keeping Molly from you…"
"I had a lot to do with that," Damon interrupted.
"Still," Elena said patiently, "I did keep her from you. And sometimes, I forget all that has happened and being with you – it's easy. It's good. It feels right. When I'm with you, I feel safe. I feel loved and protected. I see you with Molly, and I can't imagine anyone being a better father. Sometimes, it is like we are our own little family, the three of us. But, I felt like that with you once before. I never would have imagined waking up and finding you gone. You hurt me, Damon. You broke my heart. And I have no idea why. I have no idea what I did to drive you away…"
"Nothing," Damon said, reaching forward and placing a hand on Elena's knee. "Nothing you did drove me away. I made my own choices. I choice wrong, but I made them all the same."
"Why did you leave?" Elena asked softly, her eyes downcast. Damon knew she was on the verge of tears. That question had haunted her for four years, and in those four years, she had faced not only his rejection, but a pregnancy, Molly's premature birth, and the struggle of raising a child as a single mother. She had also lost her brother and her parents along the way. Not for the first time, he was sure she was the strongest person he knew.
"Why don't we start with before that?" Damon proposed. He had put a lot of thought into this conversation in the hours he spent at his too quiet apartment or working on his Camaro. He knew their problems didn't start the day he left. Their relationship was in shambles before he walked away.
"To when we were arguing all the time?" Elena asked. Damon nodded. "Okay," she agreed, realizing Damon was right to want to start there. "Let's talk about it." Damon sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair, hating that he was losing contact with Elena, but knowing he needed to let her have some space during this conversation.
"I was 24 years old," he recalled. "I was dominating the Nationwide circuit – winning all the time, collecting championship after championship. There were sponsorship opportunities, endorsement deals. It was the first time in my racing career that I had fans, people who wanted to meet me, get my autograph, buy my merchandise. It was a whirlwind.
"Instead of enjoying it, I wanted more. I wanted to be in the Sprint Cup. I wanted to be on the big stage, for all the wrong reasons. Looking back, I really thought I could get in a Sprint car and keep right on winning, just like I was doing on the Nationwide circuit. I didn't comprehend how much bigger and grander the Sprint Cup stage is. It's faster, the races are longer, the competition is better. I just wanted to be in the spotlight, have the same sort of fame that Dale Jr., and Jeff Gordon have. That was all I could think of, all I wanted.
"It pissed me off that Dad wouldn't give me a chance. I mean, he put me in that half time ride, and I thought he was the worst person in the world for it. I was his son. He should have given me a full time ride, not hire Jeff away from Hendricks. But he knew what I didn't – I wasn't ready. I was a good driver, but I wasn't ready to compete on that level week in and week out. He was giving me the chance to ease into it, race every weekend in the Nationwide series and get a Sprint Cup race in every couple of weeks. It was a chance to learn the ropes without the pressure of a full Sprint schedule. That wasn't good enough for me though, so I started acting out. Most kids rebel when they are teenagers. I waited until I was in my twenties.
"While I was stewing over the fact that my dad wouldn't give me – still very much a kid, all things considered – full-time access to a race car I couldn't handle, you were finishing up college. It felt like every time we were together, you were nagging me about the future – what should you do with your life? Should you work in racing or try your hand at marketing in another industry? And you kept dropping hints, letting me know that you expected us to get married, start having kids. I freaked out. I had enough trouble with my NASCAR career – at least I thought I did – and I didn't want to listen to you going on about exams or job applications or hinting around as to what kind of engagement ring you wanted."
"I did talk a lot about the future," Elena admitted. She had spent a lot of time reflecting on where she may have gone wrong with Damon, what she could have done to send him running. It took her a while to get there, but she had landed on the idea – with the help of her therapist – of wanting too much, too fast, for Damon. "We had been together for a couple of years by then. I thought that was how it worked – I graduated college, you proposed, we got married, and the babies would come." Elena snorted. "I guess some of that did happen. I graduated college and we had a baby."
"A perfect baby," Damon said. "We could not have a more perfect baby." Elena smiled.
"No," she agreed, "we couldn't have." Then she sighed. "We were so young. We had no idea what we were doing."
"You figured it out a hell of a lot faster than I did," Damon replied.
"I kind of had to," Elena reminded him. "Having a baby makes you grow up fast, ready or not."
"Molly changed everything," Damon agreed. While he hadn't been a part of Molly's life until just a few months ago, her arrival in his life had changed everything for him. He knew she had turned Elena's world upside down, too, ultimately in the best possible way.
"So, you were chomping at the bit to be a Sprint Cup driver and I was too future-oriented ," Elena said, bringing the conversation back on track. Damon nodded.
"I loved you, Elena. I know I was an asshole…"
"You were," Elena confirmed. "You barely answered my calls, we didn't spend a lot of time together. You started hanging out with the Mikaelsons and their crowd, completely ignored me, your brother, your friends." She paused and shook her head. "I held on too tight," she said. "I should have ended things. I thought about it. I thought about it all the time. But, I kept holding on, hoping we would get through it."
"If you would have ended it, we wouldn't have Molly," Damon reminded her. Molly was the product of their last night together, a night fueled by a heated argument and angry sex that resulted in a baby and Damon walking away. Damon pursed his lips. "God knows what would have happened to me if you had been the one to end things." Elena frowned.
"What do you mean?" she asked. "It didn't seem like you cared all that much…" There was the slightest of bites in her tone. Damon expected that bite to only grow as their conversation progressed.
"I took you for granted," he said. "I didn't realize it at the time, only now that I have had time to think about it, but I did. I took you for granted. I figured you would be there, waiting for me. I thought I could do whatever I wanted, act however I wanted, and when I was finally ready to straighten up and settle down, you would be there, waiting on that wedding band and white picket fence.
"I don't know if you know it, but for those last three months or so, you were the only one I thought I could rely on. I thought you would get it – my need to race in the Sprint Cup, my anger at my dad. You were still my safe place, the place where I turned when I needed someone. You were my person." He stopped and shook his head, realization dawning on him. "You have always been my person. I was lost without you in my life. I was lost until you came back. You got me back on the right track." It was exactly what his dad had hoped would happen.
"You did that all on your own," Elena said. Damon shook his head again.
"I did it with your help. With Molly's. My parents. Stefan. Even Caroline. But, that comes later. I know I didn't treat you the way you deserved during our last few months together. Even so, I'm grateful you stuck around."
"You sucked as a boyfriend," Elena said bluntly. "To be honest, you sucked as a person." Damon sighed.
"I can't argue with that," he said. He blew out a deep breath before continuing. "The day the Mikaelsons offered me a chance to drive for them, you were the first person I wanted to tell. I thought you would be so proud of me, getting my chance."
"I would have been proud of you, if you had handled things differently," Elena told him. "The way you told your dad, the way you walked away from Salvatore Racing? That wasn't the man I fell in love with. No one would have begrudged you the opportunity. It was your behavior that caused things to go the way they did."
"I knew my family would be mad," he said. "I knew it wouldn't go over well. The rivalry between Dad and Michael Mikaelson runs deep, and I was up and leaving, no warning, no nothing. Leaving alone threw a huge wrench into things, with the teams and everything, and then I had to go about it completely wrong and make things that much worse. But, I honestly thought you would stand by me. I knew you wouldn't be thrilled, but I didn't expect you to get so mad at me. I should have expected it, but back then, I really didn't. I was that self-involved."
That was the honest truth. While he knew his father and Stefan were going to be angry, he hadn't expected Elena, too, to turn on him. He should have. She loved his family like her own and their relationship was already rocky, at best. But, she had always been so good to him, so supportive of him, that he had expected her to stand by him through anything.
"You were already going down a dark path," Elena reminded him. "You were partying too much, drinking too much, God knows what else. It's no secret the Mikaelson brothers like to have fun, legal or otherwise. Joining their team not only hurt your family, it was just another sign that you were losing your way. I was trying to make you see reason. We all were."
"Nothing would have made me see reason back then," Damon admitted.
"I know," Elena retorted. "We tried everything. Talking to you, yelling at you, arguing with you, even threatening you. You were hell-bent on doing whatever you wanted, the consequences be damned."
"I had no idea what the consequences would be," Damon said, more to himself than Elena. Even still, she heard him. She chose not to respond.
"You left," she said instead, piercing him with her brown eyes. "Why, Damon? Why just leave? Why not at least say goodbye?" Damon sighed again.
"I remember making the decision to leave," he said. "I wasn't due to report to the Mikaelsons' Florida headquarters for another few days, but laying there next to you that night, I knew if I didn't go right then, I wouldn't. I knew you would be able to change my mind. And, honestly? I didn't want to see your face when I left. I knew I would see heartbreak and hurt and maybe even hate, and I couldn't take that, not from you. I was only thinking of myself – how it would be easier for me if I just left, didn't have to see your heart breaking or go another round with my parents. It was just before 5AM when I left your bed. I stopped at my place, threw some things in a bag, and was on the first flight to Florida I could get."
"You were a coward," Elena stated. There was a fierceness in her voice that took Damon by surprise. He found himself recoiling, trying to make himself smaller in his chair. He had reckoned with himself over how cowardly his actions had been and hearing Elena say it drove the point home. "Rather than face your problems – problems you created – you left. And you have been avoiding them for the last four years."
She was angry now. She had thought about this moment, when she would confront Damon about his actions, for a long time. She had been the adult, been the one who put her own feelings aside for Molly's sake. But now, it was her turn to be angry, to let those hurt feelings surface. It had been four years of pressing them down, turning the other cheek while she maneuvered first her pregnancy and then Molly. It was time for her to just be angry.
"I was a coward," Damon agreed. "Do you remember what I said when we were sitting outside the motorhomes Friday night, after qualifying? About pride being my tragic flaw?"
"I remember," Elena said shortly.
"I let my pride get the better of me," Damon said. "I was a mess. The thing is, I knew I was a mess. It didn't take me very long at all to realize I was in over my head, not just with racing, but with the path I had chosen – leaving, the drinking, the drugs, the partying. There were times when it felt like an out of body experience. I would be sitting at a bar, drinking, or at a party, snorting a line of coke…" Elena flinched at the mention of cocaine, "and it would be like I was watching myself going through the motions, almost like my subconscious was outside of me, telling me I was making the wrong choices.
"Yet, I kept doing it. I kept doing it because I needed help to stop doing it. I needed someone to take my hand and pull me out of the hole I dug for myself. I knew I needed help. But, I was too proud to ask for it and I didn't have anyone around me that was willing to step in. I just kept sinking further and further into the darkness."
"Cocaine?" Elena asked. "Cocaine, Damon? Do you know…"
"What could have happened to me?" Damon interrupted. "I do, Elena. I know I could have died. Hell, I know I should have died. And, you know what? There were times I wished I would have died at Talladega…"
"Don't say that," Elena snapped. "Don't you dare say that. You have no idea how afraid I was that you weren't going to make it. You have no idea what your family went through. Don't you dare say you wish you would have died." She felt almost sick at the thought of Damon not being there, alive and well.
"It's true, though," Damon continued, trying to be gentle, to explain. "There have been times when I wished I would have died in that damn crash, especially at first. Dying would have been the easy way out. I wouldn't have had to deal with any of this. I wouldn't have had to face my problems and the reckoning that came along with them. But, I guess I got to take the easy way out once, when I chose to leave here without saying goodbye. God, or whoever is up there supposedly watching over all of us, wasn't going to let me have it easy again, so He let me live. I promise you, nothing has been easy about the last seven months." Elena blew out a breath, taking everything in.
"Cocaine," she said again. "What else?" Damon raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean?"
"What else?" she repeated. "What did you do, Damon? What did you do while you were in Florida, raising hell and ignoring your family and anyone else who cared about you?"
"Elena," Damon started, "does it matter? I can't change any of it, and it's in the past…"
"It matters," Elena said, cutting him off. "I need to know. I have spent the last four years, wondering why you left, why you walked away, what was there in Florida that could have possibly been more important than your family, more important than me. I need to know, Damon. I need to know about those missing years." Damon sighed. He didn't want to re-live it, but he would have to.
"I partied," he told her. "I partied hard. I drank a lot. There are a lot of nights I can't remember. I ended up in the hospital twice for alcohol poisoning. I don't know how those nights didn't go public…"
"There were rumors," Elena cut him off, her voice hard. "Rumors are always based in fact." He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He was losing her. She was pulling away, letting her anger take over. He felt fear starting to bubble in the pit of his stomach. He hadn't allowed himself to consider that this conversation would go any other way besides the way he wanted it to. Things had been going so well between them that he was sure they would be able to talk through things and come out on the other side, together.
"I drank a lot," he said again. "Alcohol has always been my vice. I can control it. I'm not an alcoholic. But, it helped ease the pain. On the nights it didn't work as well, I did other things. I smoked my fair share of weed, but prescription pills were my drug of choice. Pain killers, muscle relaxers. I did a little bit of cocaine, but I didn't like it. I didn't like what it did to me, the way it made my heart race. If I wasn't high, I was hungover."
"And you slept around," Elena stated. "Frequently, from what I gather." Damon hung his head in shame.
"I did," he admitted. There was no use in denying it. It was well-documented on the internet. "It was another coping mechanism, another way to push aside the reality of what my life had become." Elena was silent for a long time. Damon waited, nervously wrenching his hands. He needed her to speak next. He needed to know what she was thinking.
"When we were together," she finally said, "did you cheat on me?"
The air left his chest.
"Elena…"
"Did you cheat on me?" she demanded, her voice rising. She knew the answer, just by the way he said her name. "You owe me the truth, Damon." His shoulders sagged as he dropped his head into his hands again.
"I didn't sleep with anyone else," he said. "Not until I was in Florida, and you and I were done."
"You aren't answering my question."
"Elena, seriously…"
"Answer me, Damon!" Elena demanded, her voice rising an octave. "Tell me the truth!" He blew out a frustrated breath. He wasn't frustrated with her, but with himself. He pushed himself out of the chair and started pacing, running a rough hand through his hair.
"I fooled around, okay?" he confessed. "A few times. I felt horrible afterward. I still feel horrible about it." There were tears in Elena's eyes. He felt sick to his stomach. He went to her. "Listen to me," he said, kneeling in front of her. "I made a mistake…" Elena scoffed.
"I had no idea," she said, shaking her head. "I truly had no idea. Maybe I was naïve, but I thought, despite everything, that you were at least faithful to me. Jokes on me, I guess." Damon dropped his head in her lap. She didn't push him away, but she made no move towards him, either.
"Elena, please," he choked out. "Listen to me." Elena remained silent. "I made a lot of mistakes. I made so many mistakes. I spiraled out of control and I lost my way. But, I'm here, now. I went through hell, I put everyone I love through hell, but I'm here. I know I hurt you. I know that, Elena. I am so sorry. I can sit here, on my knees, and I can say it over and over again, and I will if you need me to. I will do whatever you need me to do.
"But, I'm here, Elena. I'm right here, in front of you, begging you to see that I have changed. At the very least, I'm begging you for the chance to show you that I have changed. My biggest fear used to be not being able to race. And you know what? That happened to me. I only missed a handful of races last season, but I experienced the reality of not being able to drive, the reality of maybe not having a chance to drive ever again, until my dad took a chance on me. I'm not a fool. I know he called in every favor he had and then some to get me a ride. I will never be able to show him how grateful I am for that.
"But now? Now, my biggest fear is losing you and Molly. I am terrified that you will take Molly and leave, treat me the same way I treated you. It would be no less than I deserve, but I am terrified that when we end this conversation today, it will be with you, telling me to go to hell. I can't see a life without the two of you. I just can't, Elena. I need you, you and Molly both, as much as I need air."
Silence fell between them. Damon remained where he was, even though his knees were hurting, the leg he injured at Talladega aching a bit, along with his shoulder, as they always did after a race, his current position doing nothing to ease the pain.
"I don't know what to do," Elena finally said, so softly Damon almost missed it. "We are in shambles, Damon, despite the show we put on for everyone else, for Molly, in particular." Damon stood and leaned over her. He kissed her forehead gently before settling back across from her once more.
"The morning of my accident, I saw my dad. I saw him and Stefan around the tracks all the time, Mom and Caroline on occasion, but not quite as often. I generally made it a point to avoid all of them and by that point, they had given up on me.
"But that morning, I really saw him. His mouth was drawn. He was worried about something. He looked older, worn. And I remember thinking to myself, 'you did that.' I remember thinking that it was my fault that he had aged, that he was fretting over something. It had been three and a half years since we last spoke at that point, and I know people age, but it just hit me that my dad was getting older. I mean, he was in his fifties when I took off. He's in his early sixties, now. I know he's in good health, but that still seems like such a difference to me, going from one decade to another.
"And I remember thinking, too, that Stefan was married. He wasn't even dating Caroline when I left. He probably should have been, but you remember – it took those two a while to get together. There was my baby brother, two years younger than me, married, creating a life. Meanwhile, I was only sober because I had to race and I couldn't remember how I got home two nights earlier. That was what I was thinking about when I got in the car that day at Talladega – how my family was moving on with their lives and yet, there I was, still doing the same shit I was doing the day I left Mystic Falls. It bothered me, you know?
"It was weird," Damon continued with a shake of his head. "I hadn't really considered them in so long, yet that day, with no idea what was going to happen to me a few hours later, they were on my mind. I remember thinking that I would get through the race – I had given up on the idea of winning at that point – and get rip roaring drunk before we got on the plane back to Florida. Except, days later, I woke up in the hospital.
"My mom's face was the first thing I saw, once everything came into focus. She was crying. My instinct was to comfort her, except I couldn't move without extreme pain and I had a tube down my throat. I couldn't talk. Which, I guess was a good thing, because I damn sure didn't know what to say."
"Time moved on, Damon," Elena said shortly. "Of course your parents got older. Of course Stefan got married. Molly grew from an infant to a toddler to the little girl she is now. I went from a scared to death 22 year old, just out of college and pregnant, to a marketing executive and a mother. You can't expect to be back amongst the Salvatores and everything be the same." Damon sighed.
"I know," he said with more patience than he felt. He was trying to help her see his side of things, explain some of what he had been through over the last few months. He didn't want her sympathy, but he wanted her to understand. "I had been so far removed from all of your lives – by my own actions – and then I had my accident and suddenly, I'm right in the thick of it all again. Everyone was around, all the time. I didn't know how to handle it."
"You want my pity because things were hard for you?" Elena asked. "Your accident was just that – an accident. It could have happened to anyone on the track that day, but it happened to you. The rest of it? That is all you, Damon."
"I don't want your pity," Damon told her. "I don't deserve it."
"Good, because you aren't going to get it," Elena informed him. "While you were out, drinking your bodyweight in alcohol, experimenting with drugs, and man whoring around, I was raising your daughter and spending hours, not to mention thousands of dollars, in therapy, trying to figure out how to get past you. You destroyed me, Damon. I had to pick up the pieces and put on a brave face and raise my daughter…"
"Our daughter," Damon corrected automatically.
"You have been an exemplary father for what? Four months? That doesn't erase things, Damon. That doesn't make the past go away!"
"I know!" Damon erupted. "Dammit, Elena, I know!" He stood then and pushed a frustrated hand through his hair, once more pacing the patio. He opened his mouth to continue, but Elena beat him to it.
"Do you?" she countered. "Because I don't think you do. You show up here, telling me how you want us to be together, be a family, and think that I can just get over…"
"Stop," Damon said, cutting her off. "Stop, Elena. No one is asking you to get over anything. I made a lot of mistakes. I know that. You made your mistakes, too. You kept Molly from me…"
"Because you wouldn't talk to anyone!" Elena countered. "You can blame your pride, or me moving to fast, or your precious career, or whatever else you can think of, but it is your own damn fault you didn't know about Molly." Damon stopped, his back to her, and closed his eyes. He took a few deep breaths to bring his temper back under control. When he felt calm, he turned back to Elena. He could feel anger still radiating from her. He understood. She had held a lot in, for a long time.
"What do you want?" he asked. Elena frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"What do you want?" he repeated. "You know what I want. I want you and Molly. But there are two people in this equation. Three, if you consider Molly. What do you want? Do you want this thing between us to work, or do you want to go our separate ways?" Elena pursed her lips.
His question took her by surprise. Not because she didn't know the answer, but because she hadn't expected Damon to outright ask. She could stew on the past, talk about the past, but staying in the past wasn't going to help either of them move forward. Like Caroline had said, she would have to take a risk. She took a deep breath.
"You," she said softly. "I want you."
Damon was sure the world stopped. She was so angry, so upset. He had expected her to tell him to go to hell, to leave and never come back. He had planned to do just that, at least for the moment, before he came back swinging. He had meant it when he said he would fight for her. But with things dangerously close to going somewhere he wasn't sure they would be able to recover from, he had given her an out for the afternoon. He took a few steps towards her, not sure what to do next.
"I want you," Elena said again. "I have known for a while that I want you. I want the same things you want – to be with you, to raise Molly together, as a family. That is all I have ever wanted. But, there is so much…" Tears welled in her eyes. He went to her.
"Hey," he said, stooping in front of her once more, "don't cry." He wiped her tears away with his fingers, but they were quickly replaced by more. "I love you, Elena. And you said you love me."
"I do love you," Elena confirmed. "Damon, I do." He nodded.
"I believe that," he said. "A lot has happened between us, but we can figure it out. I believe that, too. I hurt you, Elena. I hurt my family. But frankly, at the end of the day, I hurt myself more than anyone. Despite everything, I have never stopped loving you. And, I can prove it." He straightened up and reached into his pocket.
"Damon, what are you…?" Damon produced a thin piece of folded leather that had once been a pocket fold in an old wallet.
"Do you remember this?" he asked. Elena nodded.
"You keep it in the inside pocket of your fire suit, for good luck. I didn't realize you still had it." Most racecar drivers had some superstitious ritual or lucky charm. A lot of them put photos of their family or small mementos on their dashboards. Damon kept his leather insert by his heart. It had once held a photo that he deemed good luck.
"I do," he agreed. He held it out to her. "Check it out." Elena gingerly took it from him, confused as to why he was pulling it out now.
The leather was rough in her hands. With a closer look, she saw what she thought were scorch marks. She glanced at Damon as her thumb rubbed across an especially rough spot that was darker than the rest of the leather.
"Other than me, that's the only other thing that survived the crash," he told her. "One of my old crew members bought it to me in the hospital. The night before they transferred me from Alabama to the hospital here, I asked Mom to bring me some saddle soap and a rag. I cleaned it up as best I could with one arm in a sling, but you can still see some of the scorch marks."
"It was inside your fire suit," Elena said. "How did it get burned?" She couldn't figure that part out. To her knowledge, Damon himself had managed to escape being burned, thanks to the fire suit and helmet protecting his body. Damon shrugged.
"My best guess is that the suit came undone as they pulled me out of the car or they pulled the suit off me once they got me out of the wreckage. It must have fallen out." Elena merely nodded, her eyes back on the insert. She opened it carefully and smiled at its contents.
On one side, there was the black-and-white photo of Damon's grandfather she remembered. The elder Salvatore had passed years ago, but Damon had always looked up to him. His grandfather had been a driver in the early days of NASCAR, when money was scarce and the sport's popularity not nearly what it was now. He had given Damon his first racing helmet when he was a mere three years old. The photo was charred around the edges, but still intact.
On the other side of the fold was a photo of Molly. Elena's lips turned upward at the sight of it. It was a photo Damon had taken. Molly was in the shell of one of his cars in the Salvatore Racing shop, pretending to drive. She knew the day he took it. It was the day shortly after he had learned about Molly's parentage, the day he had decided to be a part of Molly's life. Molly had slipped away from Elena and ended up with Damon in the shop. Elena had found her pretending to drive, Damon looking on with a smile on his face.
"I'm surprised you haven't bought Molly her own helmet yet," Elena said wryly. Damon shook his head.
"Not yet," he said. "When she's a bit bigger, though, if Dad doesn't beat me to it." He blew out a breath. "Look behind it." Elena carefully removed Molly's photo. She gave an involuntary gasp.
She knew the photo well. It was one of her, taken by Damon with a disposable camera during a trip with her family to the Outer Banks, trimmed down to fit the fold. She had scolded him for snapping a photo, her hair windblown, no makeup on her face. They had been walking along the beach at sunset, enjoy the sea breeze and a weekend off from racing. She was wearing cotton shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt. Damon insisted she was beautiful. She had insisted he was crazy. Like the photo of his grandfather, this one was also charred.
She understood then.
He had carried her photo with him, even after he left her. She looked at him, lost for words.
"I never stopped loving you," he said again, his voice cracking. "I kept you with me, all this time." Silence fell between them once more.
"What do we do?" Elena asked again after several minutes had passed. "Where do we go from here?"
"Can I make a proposal?" Damon countered. Elena nodded.
"Let's hear it."
"We date," he said. "You and me. We leave the kid at home – at least sometimes. We get to know one another again. We are different people now, Elena. We are the same in a lot of ways, but after everything that has happened over the years, there is no way we can be who we were four years ago. We take things slow, and we work through things as they come up. Because things will come up. You don't trust me. I'm still trying to figure out this whole parenting thing and work through the hurt and pain I caused everyone, not to mention myself. But, we will talk. We will work through things. And, if all goes well, we will be the family we both want to be."
Elena considered, gazing at Damon. Again, he waited patiently. After what felt like forever, she nodded.
"Okay," she agreed slowly. "We date. We talk. We try to figure this out." Damon shook his head.
"We figure this out," he corrected. "I'm not willing for there to be another outcome." Elena smiled slightly. He really was determined.
"We figure it out," she echoed. She held out her hand. He took it and gave it a gentle squeeze. "But, what about Molly?"
"What about Molly?" Damon countered.
"What do we tell her?" Elena asked. "She's perceptive, Damon. She was asking me this morning about why I kissed you at the race and she wanted to know if I love you. I don't want her to get her hopes up that her mom and dad will be together…"
"Her mom and dad will be together," Damon said. Elena again heard the determination in his voice. It gave her a sense of peace to know he was so dedicated to making their relationship work. He couldn't help himself. He smirked slightly. "What did you tell her? About the kiss? And the whole love thing?" Elena sighed, even as she rolled her eyes.
"I told her I kissed you because I was excited that you won," she said. "And I told her that yes, I do love you. She also learned a new vocabulary word – complicated." Elena snorted. "She will probably pull that one out the next time I scold her for not cleaning up her playroom." Damon chuckled.
"Yeah," he agreed, "I can see how she would find cleaning up her playroom 'complicated,' given the mess she manages to make." He looked at Elena. "I'm guessing you told her you love me, but that things are complicated?" Elena nodded.
"That's exactly what I told her. And to not worry about us, because no matter what, we both love her, more than anything."
"Right on all accounts," Damon agreed. "We love each other, but its complicated, and we do love her, more than anything else in this entire world." He gave Elena a tentative smile. "I don't want to hide this from her," he said. "I don't want to hide it from anyone. I want to openly be together, dating and working through things. I just don't want to sneak around and hide things from Molly."
"Okay," Elena said. "We tell Molly the truth. It's the best thing to do." Damon nodded.
"She's a smart girl. She would probably figure it out on her own, anyway. Likely because I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my hands off you." Elena rolled her eyes again, although she was smiling a bit more, glad to see the swaggering Damon she knew so well starting to peek through once more.
"Sometimes, she is too smart for her own good," Elena mentioned.
"Well, her dad is a genius," Damn said seriously. Elena laughed outright, making Damon chuckle. It didn't take long for her to grow serious once more, however.
"Damon, I'm so sorry I kept Molly from you," she said. She was still holding his hand and squeezed it again to emphasize her point. "I know we tried to tell you and that you made it – difficult…"
"Impossible," Damon corrected. "I made it impossible."
"Still, I should have told you sooner. I should have told you the moment we moved back. I should have never let you find out the way you did, by piecing it together on your own. I should have been the one to tell you."
Damon pursed his lips. He had thought a lot about how he found out about Molly, deducing it for himself at Daytona. At first, he had been angry. But, as he reflected on his actions, his anger had given away to something different. He had nearly confided his thoughts to Stefan the night they talked at Talladega, but had decided that Elena was the one he needed to talk to first.
"I was angry, at first," he admitted. "I had a daughter – a nearly three year old daughter – and I didn't know a thing about her. I kept thinking about that, at her birthday party. There she was, turning three, and it was the first time I got to celebrate with her. I missed her first and second birthdays. I missed her first steps, her first words. I missed being with her when she was in the NICU. I missed everything. I was so mad. I was hurt.
"But, after thinking about it, and after forming a relationship with her, I'm glad I didn't know about her until a few months ago." Elena looked at him, confusion clear.
"Damon…" He held his hand up to stop her.
"Elena, think about it," he countered. "Think about the way I have behaved over the last few years. When you got pregnant, I was in no place to be a parent…"
"I wasn't either," Elena reminded him. "I had no idea what I was doing…"
"You had the mindset to figure it out," he pointed out. "You weren't drinking and partying and sleeping around. You found out you were pregnant, and you did what you had to do. You put one foot in front of the other and did whatever needed to be done. I couldn't have done that. Not back then. I was too selfish, too messed up. I would have ruined any chance I had at being a part of Molly's life, not to mention yours. While I will never forgive myself for not being there for either of you, I think things worked out the way they needed to. I can be a good father to her now. I wouldn't have been a good father to her even a year ago."
"You don't know that," Elena said softly.
"Except I do," Damon said gently. "I know myself, Elena. I know where I was and what I was like. I hate that I missed so much of her life, but if I'm going to be a part of her life from now on, I needed to miss those first years. You keeping her from me ultimately saved my relationship with her. I wish things would have gone differently, but they happened the right way. I have no doubts about that."
"Still, I'm sorry," Elena said with a shake of her head. "I need to tell you that, Damon."
"I know you are," he said. He reached out and brushed her hair away from her face with his hand that wasn't holding hers. "I forgive you, Elena. I do." Elena nodded, believing him.
"Thank you," she said softly. He gave her another smile.
"Thank you," he replied, "for being willing to do this with me." Elena nodded. She looked up at Damon for a long few moments.
"I'm scared," she admitted. "Both of doing this with you, and of this not working out."
"I'm scared, too," Damon admitted. "But, I like our odds." Elena returned his smile.
"I like our odds, too," she agreed. Damon stood and pulled Elena to her feet.
"Come here," he said, pulling her into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt her arms wrap around him. This was a new beginning for them. They still had a long way to go, but today was a start.
Damon held her even closer, burying his nose in her hair and breathing her in.
He wasn't going to lose her again. Or Molly.
He would make sure of it.
And there you have it.
Relationships are hard, y'all. If I have learned anything during my 29 years on earth, it is that - relationships are hard. Damon and Elena were young - Damon 24, Elena 22. They wanted different things, handled things in different ways. Life happened and when it gave them lemons, Elena had her lemonade, while Damon squeezed the juice into his wounds.
I wouldn't say they are "together together", but they are certainly together. Like Damon said, they are very different people now. They have been through a lot. They have grown up. Basically, they are adults now - and adults handle things way better (so I tell the Sarah of my early 20s... :))
Let me know what you thought!