Chapter 4:
I'm Lost With And Without You

''You distract me. I've been distracted since the moment I met you.'' Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory

Andy sighed as she sat down in her black office chair. It had started out as just another day at work: the same old never ending patient stream, the same old awful coffee from the cafeteria, the same old nurses in the emergency room who knew what she wanted them to do before she even said it. Patients had been brought into the ER, needing emergency surgery on this, that and the other thing.

It had all been the same as every other day except for one thing: it had all gone wrong. Surgery had gone wrong – terribly wrong, and even though she would never be able to admit it to herself or anyone else she knew exactly why. Les.

He had re-entered her life and she was as distracted as a teenage girl falling in love with her first boyfriend. She had been distracted since the moment she had gotten that reply: ''I love you too.'' Four little words and today it was one of the reasons why one of her patients wouldn't go home tonight.

Verona Deibel, 33-years-old. Dead.

This had to stop. She needed him out of her life. She didn't need him to distract her; she had Jesse and Lizzy for that. She had unpaid bills, an exhausting job, patients who needed her full attention and a neglected social life for that. She had Milo for that.
Andy could feel her breath get caught in her throat as her eyes fell on the picture of him on her desk. She hadn't thought about him in a while. Not to be mistaken; he was always in the back of her mind, waiting for her to think of him again.

But actually, consciously thinking about him. Thinking about his smile; his skills; his life; the way he held her when she was upset; the way he had loved her, unconditionally almost; the way he had cared for not only her but for her children… It had been a while.

When she first started – whatever it was she and Les had going on at the moment, she had been filled with guilt. It was too soon to be moving on from Milo. Too soon to rush into another relationship, and yet it felt right. She wanted someone who would always be there for her, who would love her and her children unconditionally. She wanted Milo.

He had been a good distraction. When she first started falling for him she wasn't distracted like she was now. He had had the same work drive as her, wanted the same things out of life, had been incredibly understanding when she didn't have time for him. And that's what had made their relationship easier: they both had separate lives with a bit of overlap whenever they had the time to spend together. It had made that when she was with him she could focus all of her attention on him, and when she was at work she could focus on her patients.

He was always on her mind, but he wasn't an all consuming thing that left her unable to focus. And Les was. And it had to stop. She couldn't let Les just swoop in and mess everything that she had worked so hard for, up. She had worked hard to get over Milo's death and she had worked hard to be there for her patients, and now it was all crumbling down.

Les had taken over her life. He was in her thoughts constantly. She saw him in the corner of her eyes, when someone laughed she thought of his laugh. She would hear someone tell a joke and she would think about his sense of humor.

She wasn't even sure anymore how to solve it: ban him out of her life completely or welcome him back with open arms. She didn't want either, she wasn't ready for either. Banning him out of her life would only make her think of him more, she was sure of it. Welcoming him back with open arms… No.

She shook her head as she buried her face in her hands. ''What have you done to me?'' She wondered to herself as Les' image formed in front of her eyes just as she closed them.
''Excuse me?'' She heard and her head snapped up. Peter Riggs was standing in the doorway, a file in his hand and a confused frown on his face.

''Sorry,'' she mumbled. ''I wasn't talking to you.'' She drew in a sharp breath as she pushed Les to the back of her mind.
Peter walked over to her desk and stretched out his arm, handing her the file. ''Les?'' He asked her. It had been no secret to anyone in the clinic that something had been going on between the former army colonel and her ex-husband.

Andy looked up at him with a slightly shocked look on her face, ''there really is no such thing as a private life in this place, is there?'' She asked him.
Peter shook his head while a small smile formed on his face, ''no, but if it's any comfort; we're all very happy for you.'' He said. All he needed from her was to sign off on tests requested in the file he had just given her but she didn't seem to do that any time soon.

''You are?'' Andy asked him, slightly surprised. She had been so distracted lately she was sure it was showing.
''Yeah,'' Peter told her. ''It's good to see you happy after what happened with Dr. Morton.'' He and Andy didn't talk often but when they did it always seemed to get real personal real fast, not that he was complaining.

Andy swallowed hard as Milo re-entered her thoughts for the second time that day. ''Happy?'' She asked Peter as she opened the file in front of her and drew a fountain pen from her chest pocket. ''I'm miserable,'' she told him, it had been meant jokingly but it was kind of true nonetheless.
Peter gave her a smile, ''why? New relationships are exciting, and-''

''Distracting,'' Andy interrupted him. ''Just this morning I lost a patient because I was too distracted,'' she confided in him. It was embarrassing to her. She had always been good at what she did, highly skilled and her military training had left her able to improvise treatments to save patients most other doctors would give up on. It wasn't easy to admit she had failed this time.

''Verona Deibel?'' Peter asked her. Most of the information about patients remained private – as it should be. But when a high profile patient such as Verona Deibel is brought into the ER after snorting cocaine to give her extra energy and help her deal with her demanding job, news travelled fast. Andy nodded. ''I'm sure it was the cocaine overdose that killed her,'' he assured her as he took back the file. ''I'll get this to the lab.''

''Thank you.''

Andy's smile slowly faded away as she finished reading the latest email she had gotten from Les. They had been emailing a lot and today she had gotten another one. It had been sweet – as always, and it made her feel even more conflicted. He had struggled when he first moved to California – being away from their daughters, from her, working hard but eventually losing his job. She knew it hadn't been easy for him.

But lately it seemed like he was doing better. He had a new job, friends – a better social life than her from what it seemed – and she was happy for him. She truly was, even though all of this pointed to the conclusion that he had moved on. Moved on from their marriage, their friendship, everything they had once been. The only prove that he still cared about her was in his emails. He hadn't made the effort to come to Philly in a while, he didn't initiate phone calls, he didn't even talk about the dates they had had when he had last come around.

He wrote about what his day had been, how work was going, how much fun he was having. Only the ending proved that he even thought about her at all. It was always signed with an 'I love you' and that was that.
Andy was sure Les didn't think about her like she thought about him.

''Mom?'' Jesse snapped her out of her thoughts.
''Yes?'' Andy asked as she snapped off the computer screen. It was bad enough that she was obsessing over Les like a teenage girl – she didn't need to give their daughters what was probably false hope that their parents would get back together.

Jesse hesitated. ''You look really great today,'' she said – hoping sweet talking her mom would help her get an okay for her plans.
Andy sighed, ''what did you do?'' She asked. The only reason Jesse would ever be this sweet was if she had done something bad or if she needed something – probably money.

''I didn't do anything,'' Jesse assured her. ''It's just that… Matt and his parents are going to New York over spring break and they want me to come with them.'' She had been dating Matt for quite a while now and she got along with his parents as well.
''His parents are going to be with you two at all times?'' Andy asked Jesse.

''Yeah, and his sister and younger brother are coming too,'' Jesse said. ''I won't even be sharing a room with him.''
''I should hope not,'' Andy told her. ''I'll talk to his parents about it.''

''Mom-'' Jesse whined. Her mother's need to always check with her friends' parents was bugging her.
''Don't 'mom' me. If you want to go then I'll have to check with his parents,'' Andy said. She watched Jesse turn around and walk out of the kitchen. Spring break was only two weeks but since Lizzy was going to spend those weeks with her grandparents in Chicago, it would be nice to have a break from being a mom. For a little while at least.

She pressed the power button on the computer screen again and stared at Les' email.
There was a medical conference in California during the first week of spring break… Now she just needed to convince Dr. Jackson to give her a little bit of time off.

''So, I heard you're abandoning us for a week?'' Lu said as she sat down across from Andy in the cafeteria, putting her tray of food down on the small table.
''Yes, but with a good reason,'' Andy replied. ''I'm going to a medical conference, I'm going to learn things, it'll help in the long run.'' She said. Firing of excuses seemed like a better idea than having them find out she was going to be with Les most of the time. Lu gave her an unimpressed look. ''What?''

''It's a California,'' Lu told her. ''You're going to spend time with your beau.'' Dr. Jackson had gone down to her office just a half an hour earlier to talk about who was going to replace Andy during that week. As Lu had already expected, she was going to have to handle a lot more than just her own patient load that week.
Andy's jaw dropped a little bit as Lu began to eat, she leaned forward a bit so she could lower her voice – it was bad enough that Lu, Lana and Peter knew, she didn't need the whole hospital to know. ''He's not my… beau,'' she said, pulling a face at the last word. ''And I'm not just going there to spend time with Les.'' She lied.

Lu chuckled, ''you're a terrible liar.'' She told Andy. ''Either way, you get to spend time with your… Les, and I get to spend the week with your patients.''
''I'm sorry, I figured they would get somebody else to cover for me,'' Andy said. ''Tell Jonas I'm sorry.''

Lu smiled, ''it's fine. Knowing Jonas he'll probably be Rio to take care of business.'' She knew what her husband's schedule was like at the moment and it wasn't like they would be losing anytime together if she had to work late. ''But, back to the subject at hand… What are you doing?''

Andy shrugged, ''I have no idea.'' She confessed. ''I haven't even called Les about it yet. Either way, it's not like we're even together,'' she told Lu as she leaned back.
Lu looked at her confused, ''don't you want to be? Together, I mean.'' She asked. Everything about her partner lately pointed into the direction of being head over heels in love with a certain California citizen.

Andy hesitated, ''let's just see how that week goes first,'' she responded.
''Look, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable but for Jesse and Lizzy's sake you need to figure out what you're doing,'' Lu cautioned. ''They need to know where things stand between you two.''

Andy frowned, ''they don't know about any of this yet-''
''They will eventually,'' Lu interrupted. ''You can't hide this forever. They're smart, they'll catch on soon enough.''

''I hope they won't for a while, not until I figure this all out at least.'' Andy said.
''Excuse my curiosity but what are you trying to gain from going over to Les' house?'' Lu asked. She knew they probably just wanted to spend time together but nothing Andy was saying was pointing in that reaction.

''I don't know,'' Andy sighed as she buried her face in her hands. She had been so focused on just getting the time off – something she didn't think she would get – that she hadn't thought about that part yet. Part of her figured that she would just play it by ear when she got there while another part of her screamed for a plan; wanting to be prepared like she always was for everything. ''I just need to…'' she trailed off.

''Move on? From Milo?'' Lu asked. Andy nodded, ''that doesn't mean you have to start a new relationship – not even with Les, even if he did go to anger management therapy like you wanted.''
''Still not a fan, huh?'' Andy asked with a half smile. Lu had never made it a secret how she felt about Les.

''Look, if he makes you happy then great, but you know how I feel about him,'' Lu confirmed. ''Once an abuser, always an-''
''Lu.'' Andy stopped her. ''People can change, you know. I believe he has changed, for the better.''

Lu bit her lip, ''for your sake, I really hope that's true.''

Andy tapped her nails on her bedside table impatiently as she waited for Les to pick up the phone. It was almost midnight so she had to keep quiet so Jesse and Lizzy wouldn't hear her, but she needed to talk to Les. She was growing more and more nervous about spending the week with Les. She needed to know if she could actually come over and she wasn't actually being a nervous wreck over nothing.

''Hello?'' She could hear him pick up and a smile grew on her face.
''Hi,'' she said. It had been a while since they had last talked on the phone and she only now realized how much she had missed his voice. She had taken being able to talk to him for granted for a long time while they were married. They exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes before she decided she should just come out with her reason for calling.

''So, spring break is coming up soon,'' she started and she hesitated to continue. ''Jesse is going to go on vacation with Matt and his family, and since Lizzy will be with your parents I figured I could maybe come down to California? For a week? We can spend some time together if you want to.''
It was quiet on the other side of the line for a few seconds before Les responded, ''do you think you can get the time off from work?'' He asked her.

Andy shrugged even though he couldn't see it, ''I already asked. There is a medical conference in Pasadena the first weekend and I can get the rest of the week off if I want to,'' she told Les. He hadn't flat out said 'no' but he didn't sound all that enthusiastic.
''Ehhh,'' Les grunted. He was silent for another few seconds, ''what week is it?''

''Three weeks from now,'' Andy responded, frowning at his tone. ''Is everything okay?''
''Yeah, it's fine,'' Les told her. ''You know what, that would be great,'' he said, sounding more enthusiastic now but still not all that convincing.

''If you'd rather not have me come over just say so now,'' Andy demanded. She didn't understand his behavior at the moment. The dates they had gone on when he last came to Philly had been great, emailing each other had been great. Even the phone calls they had had were great. The way he was responding to her proposal on the other hand – it could've gone a lot better.

''No, no… I'm just- I'm just distracted,'' Les assured her as he grabbed his calendar, circling the week. ''Trust me, it's great, I'm looking forward to it. Can't wait, in fact.''
Andy frowned, ''you sure?''

''Absolutely. It'll be fun, you can finally see… my life, I guess,'' Les smiled. ''Look, I really have to go now. I'll call you tomorrow and we can work out the details then, okay?''
''Yeah, sure.'' Andy agreed, still not feeling convinced. ''Just call me tomorrow night.''

''I will,'' Les promised. ''Goodnight.''
''Goodnight.'' Andy hesitated for a moment, ''I love you.'' She whispered.
Les took a deep breath, ''you too.''

As he put the phone back in its cradle on the kitchen counter he let out a sigh and leaned against the counter. He hadn't expected this. For so long Andy had kept her distance from him and now things were suddenly moving fast. She was forever surprising him and he had no idea what was going to happen when she'd finally be in California.

He rubbed his eyes, sleep taking over. He heard the kitchen door open and a tired smile grew on his face.

''I'm going to bed, want to join me?'' Georgia asked seductively.
Les smiled as he looked his girlfriend up and down, she wasn't wearing anything but a short nightgown. He nodded and took her hand, leading her to the hallway to go upstairs.

''Who called?'' Georgia asked him as they reached the top of the stairs.
''Wrong number,'' Les assured her as he opened the door to his bedroom.