Chapter 6:
Santa Rosa: City Of Love pt. 2
''I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfill our destiny, but our fate is sealed.'' Paulo Coelho
The smell of breakfast waffles filled the air as Andy stared at a picture on the kitchen counter. She was sitting as the kitchen island, Les' back to her as he was making breakfast for the both of them. It was a nice gesture and she appreciated it, truly – but she couldn't help but be bothered by that picture. Him, with his arm around Georgia, both smiling happily at the camera. It used to be her, he used to want to take pictures with her and smile happily at a camera with her.
Andy knew she was being crazy, he had explicitly told her that he and Georgia were over. Les loved her and that should be all that mattered, but she couldn't just turn off these feelings. It had taken her months of contemplation before she decided that she wanted to be with him, and now that she had made up her mind she wanted him all to herself, not share him with another woman – a beautiful woman at that.
Les turned back to look at her and noticed her staring at the picture as she stirred her coffee which he was sure was already cold. He grabbed the picture and laid it down, facedown. ''Happy now?'' He asked his ex-wife, his movement had snapped her out of her daze and she was looking back at him now. ''Can you let this Georgia stuff go, please?'' He asked her; to him it only seemed fair.
Andy took a deep breath, ''fine,'' she said. As Les turned away from her again she took a sip of her coffee, immediately spitting it out again. When she had for the most part ignored it, it was hot – and now that she wanted it, it had gone cold. Just like her relationship with Les it seemed – maybe she should have ignored him a little more and a little while longer. At least until he had gotten rid of all his pictures of Georgia.
''So what do you want to do today?'' Les asked her as he put down both of their plates and sat down next to her. He absentmindedly started playing with her hair, ''we can go to the museum, or to the park… visit Los Angeles… or stay here,'' he listed as he slowly wrapped her up in his arms, burying his face in the crook of his neck – trying to ignore the fact that she wasn't responding to his seductions at all.
Andy could feel him slowly starting to kiss her neck and she resisted the urge to push him away. Yes, they had slept together the previous night but that didn't mean she was used to his affections once again. She could feel the love Les had for her and it only made her miss Milo more, a feeling she was starting to grow sick off. Milo was her past, Les was her future… right? She still wasn't sure being in California, in Les' house, was a good idea.
Sure, the main reason for that feeling wasn't Les or Milo… It was Georgia. She didn't even know the woman and already didn't like her. Andy bit her lip as she put a hand on Les' chest and slowly pushed him away. ''Let's just stay here,'' she said and could see his eyes light up, ''to talk. We have a lot to talk about,'' she reminded him.
As he started eating his breakfast she started over thinking everything they had to talk about. If they were going to do this, whatever this was, then there was a lot to figure out. They lived on opposite sides of the country, they barely saw each other. They had two daughters who very much wanted them to get back together, but Andy knew they would be heartbroken if their parents got back together and then broke up again.
Was Les going – or even just willing – to move back to Philadelphia?
Did they have to tell Jesse and Lizzy?
Were they going to get married again? Was that something he wanted?
''Andy?'' Les snapped her out of her thoughts.
''Yes?'' She asked, picking up her cutlery, she might as well join him.
Les hesitated. ''I need to ask you something, and I know that there probably isn't an easy answer and that you may have to think about it, but…'' he trailed off.
''What is it?'' Andy asked with a frown. She was just happy for the distraction. Over thinking things had never done her any good and she doubted this subject would be the exception.
''Since I moved here I've been in counseling, I've been to anger management workshops,'' Les started.
''I know,'' Andy said. He had shared that piece of information with her over Christmas, a year and a half earlier. It had taken her aback at the time and it still continued to, to this day. Les had always been a very proud man and she knew that it couldn't have been an easy step for him.
''Do you think you can… forgive me?'' Les asked. ''For what I did.''
She took a sharp breath. The night he hit her was one that was permanently imprinted on her brain, it would be near impossible to let go. The memory was always accompanied by Lu's words: ''once an abuser, always an abuser''. Andy wanted to believe otherwise but she had more than enough experience with domestic violence to know that it wasn't that simple.
However, it seemed unfair to not give Les this peace of mind. He had done exactly what she had asked of him, more even. He had thrown himself into 'the unwashed rags of wife beaters' as he had so eloquently put it years earlier.
At the same time though, when she had needed him the most he had decided that a move to California was the best things for their relationship, for their family. It was something she had strongly disagreed with and still did to this day.
It wasn't so much about if she could forgive him for hitting her. It was about the verbal abuse that had preceded it and the lying that had succeeded it. He had told her he had gone to counseling, which was a lie. He had terrified her by his response to her telling their daughters he had hit her. He had hurt her by moving away, seemingly not caring enough about their relationship to work on it.
If only he had tried – just a little bit – they would've never split up, Andy was sure of it.
Everything would be different. They'd still be together for starters, she would've never started dating Milo… Hell, he would probably still be alive. The greatest man she had ever known would still be alive if it wasn't for her. He had been on his way to her house that night, the night he was hit by a drunk driver. He died upon impact, no pain; the only piece of solace she had.
Les could see her daze out, ''Andy?'' He asked.
She was snapped out of her thoughts. Back to contemplating her answer, ''I'm not sure I can forgive you,'' she said with a shrug that was anything but casual, ''but I want to forget what happened.'' If not so they could get back together, then at least to rid herself of the memory. Time heals all wounds… she had heard it so many times. One day this wound will have healed too, the only problem was the scar it would undoubtedly leave.
Les stared at her in contemplation for a second before nodding. He knew that she would need more time; he had expected it… that didn't make it easier to hear though. He smiled at her before deciding to just settle on small talk for the time being.
One day they would become as close again as they once were. It would take time and Les knew he would have to be patient. Andy needed more time getting over what happened between them, getting over Milo's untimely death, getting over all the struggles she was having when she just thought about the possibility of them getting back together.
''Just give it a rest,'' Andy sighed, ''for now.'' She knew she was practically begging him, not exactly her style but she had deemed it necessary. They had just left one of the downtown art galleries and were enjoying some ice cream in the shade.
It was only early spring and Andy was sure that if she were in Philadelphia she'd be pretty much freezing right now, but LA was a completely different story and the shade had been very welcome.
Les ran a hand through his hair, ''I just think it's something that we need to talk about, if not now then at least before you go back home.''
''I'm just not ready for that. I don't know what I want-'' Andy began before being interrupted.
''You don't have to make any final decisions, just think about it. I don't have anything keeping me here, sure I have a job but I can easily relocate or get another job if necessary. I can live in Philadelphia, we can be together all year round instead of just a couple of days or weeks here and there,'' Les argued. ''I want to be with you. I love you, you know that. Just… just please think about it.''
Andy took a deep breath as she sat back in her chair. Les' offer was tempting and she certainly wouldn't object to having him near her but she didn't have just have her own wants to keep in mind. Having him in Philadelphia, being back together with him… it was such a big step. It meant having to let go of what she had envisioned her future to be.
She had always had a clear picture of what she wanted in life. She had her aspirations, her dreams. A clear goal and more than enough motivation to accomplish all of those things and more. But, after their move to Philly everything had changed. Her marriage which had always been a constant – an equal relationship built on a solid foundation – had fallen apart, within just months.
She was always prepared for change; she didn't like it but was prepared nonetheless. And Andy had always been sure that whatever came her way, she would be able to deal with it – because she had Les. After their divorce she didn't have that security anymore. Yes, she had had Milo but their relationship wasn't that serious yet and she didn't have him around 24/7 to fall back on.
She had let everything she knew in life go because she had been practically forced to. Her vision of her future had always been high definition but it was starting to get blurry and after losing Milo the screen had gone black.
It wasn't until months later – months of therapy, pain and a general feeling of being 'lost' - when she and Les spent Christmas together, that some flashes started to come back to her. Just a little piece of hope she had hold on to with all her might. It had been something to live for, a reason beside her daughters to get up in the morning. Hearing from Les: hearing about his day, hearing about random problems at work, hearing the 'I love you' at the end of every letter.
She had told their daughters that they weren't going to get back together. It had been a promise; she couldn't leave them with that hope because it wouldn't allow them to move on. …She would have to come back on that promise and risk breaking their hearts again if it didn't work out, again.
Les made it sound so easy. Did she want to be with him? The answer was clear, Yes. Definitely. But she couldn't break Jesse and Lizzy's heart again. Andy could only get back together with him if she was sure it would work out and she wouldn't be able to do that unless she let Milo go. She wasn't ready for that, they both knew that.
She wanted to be happy with Les, she wanted to be happy in general. But letting Milo go, no. Not ready. And considering all the time that had gone by she was losing hope she would ever get over him.
She rolled off him as she tried to catch her breath, ignoring the fact how their sweaty bodies were sticking together. Panting, she looked over at him and caught the satisfied smile on his fact. Feeling a twinge in her stomach she frowned, ''we need to stop doing this.'' She told him.
Les looked over at her with a surprised look, ''what?'' He asked her as he sat up on, resting on his elbows. ''Why?''
''We're not even together and we're-'' Andy wasn't sure what to call it.
''Going at it like rabbits,'' Les joked. Jokes were his coping mechanism, don't know what to say? Just throw in a joke and problem solved. Usually, at least. Seeing the look on Andy's face he huffed, ''sinning?''
Andy rolled her eyes, ''call it whatever you want,'' she said. On the inside she knew what was wrong with it. She was cheating, on Milo. Okay, maybe not officially, he was dead. Hard to cheat on a dead person, but that didn't change how she felt. And either way it was still not okay to be sleeping with your ex-husband who you may or may not have for feelings – while simultaneously having feelings for another (dead) man – if you're not sure you want to be with them. It didn't feel right.
''Andy, we're two consenting adults, we can do whatever we want,'' Les reminded her. ''Jesse and Lizzy never even have to know about this. And Milo, well… It's too late now.'' He knew it wasn't fair to put it like that and he knew that it was probably hard for her to hear, but being direct seemed to be the best strategy.
Andy closed her eyes for a second, taking in those words, before getting up and gathering her clothes.
''Where are you going?'' Les asked. When she didn't respond he hesitated to say anything else, sure it was just going to make it worse. ''Come on, Andy, don't go. Stay here, with me,'' he patted the bed next to him.
''I'm going to get dressed,'' Andy told him, ''I'm going to the guest room, pack my clothes, call a cab and go to the airport-''
Les got up as fast as he could and beat her to the door, blocking it, ''don't go.'' He paused, not knowing how to convince her to stay but he had to give it a shot, ''I love you and-''
''And I love you too,'' Andy finished for him, ''but-''
''No. No more buts,'' Les said. He paused and could feel tears burning in his eyes, ''choose me. I know you love Milo and that's fine with me, love him for the rest of your life for all I care but be with me, choose me.'' She didn't respond. ''Just do one thing and I promise I will love you for the rest of my life, I'll be better, I'll be-''
Andy swallowed hard, ''what do you want me to do?'' She interrupted him. She was hesitant to find out but it was better than not knowing.
Les took a deep breath, ''tell me you love me. Just that, no buts.''
Andy hesitated. A white sheet was wrapped around her; her clothes which had been carelessly thrown on the floor were now gathered in her arms. It was hot outside but she felt cold anyway. ''I…'' she started, her voice breaking. She made a split moment decision and could only hope she wouldn't regret it later, ''I have to go,'' she told him in a small voice, looking away.
Les could feel a lump in his throat and bit his lip, he knew he had had a 50/50 chance, it could go either way. His arms dropped to his sides as he stepped away, opening the door for her. His eyes followed her as she walked down the hallway and around the corner, disappearing from his sight. He sat down on the ottoman at the end of his bed.
He could only hear silence as mixed feelings washed over him. There was anger, sadness, pity, but mostly he just felt numb. He didn't know how long he sat there, he didn't know how much time had passes before he became vaguely aware of a car – presumably a cab – driving up the driveway. The front door slamming shut. Car tires screeching. And then nothing once again.
When he first moved to California it had been a nice escape. He missed Andy and he missed their children, but there was such freedom and he had made a conscious decision to enjoy it as much as he possibly could. And he had.
But now that he had had a taste of what it was like to have Andy there with him, her being gone just left him feeling empty and he began to see the California adventure for what it really was.
It wasn't much of an existence. He had an amazing job, great co-workers, lots of events he went to and he had fun… but he had no one to share it with.
The reason he had asked Andy if she wanted him to move back to Philly because if she said yes he would follow her anywhere. He missed the family, the life they had built together. When he was still in Philadelphia with them he had dreamt big, there wasn't much else to do while folding laundry, cooking dinner… Unless you counted watching old reruns of Days Of Our Lives. It wasn't the life he had once envisioned and being Mr. Mom simply wasn't good enough for him.
California had seemed amazing on paper but he hadn't taken into account how he would feel at the end of the day, sliding in between slightly too cold sheets. Leaning over to kiss Andy goodnight only to realize she wasn't there.
And waking up without her didn't feel much better either.
Andy thought he wanted her back, and it almost made him chuckle. He didn't just want her back, he needed her. Craved her. And whatever it took, he was going to get her back.
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