It's a dream and Derek knows it, but it's also a memory. One that he's never looked at from this point of view before.
Stiles is the last one to leave with pack night having ended a good few hours ago.
They stand in the kitchen, Stiles' long lean form resting back against the bar and Derek drying dishes beside him. Things always felt more peaceful between them at this time of night. With no other company but each other.
"You sure you don't wanna just crash on the couch?" Derek asks easily, throwing a sidelong glance at Stiles.
"Nah, dude, it's cool," Stiles pauses for a second and Derek hears the slight trip in his heartbeat as Stiles continues to speak. "Actually, I've, uh, I've got a date, tomorrow, with a guy…" his voice cracks with the last word.
"Oh, okay." Derek turns to him as he wipes off his hands with the dishtowel. Stiles is watching him with a look on his face that's half nervous and half watchful.
Derek smirks with sympathy. "What, you nervous or something? I've never dated guys but I'm sure they're a helluva lot easier to read than girls."
He thinks Stiles' expression falls a little but the kid shakes it off almost immediately, and Derek brushes it off when Stiles lets out a small, huffed laugh and crosses his arms over his chest.
"Yeah, you'd think so, huh," Stiles replies, sounding a little incredulous. Derek feels like he's missing something and raises his brows at Stiles as he hangs the dishtowel up by the sink.
"What?" he asks.
Stiles hides his smile by lowering his head. He shakes it a little and mumbles a reply. "Nuthin, dude. I gotta get going," he adds with a sigh.
Derek watches as Stiles pushes away from the breakfast bar and heads towards the front door.
"You're sure you don't want to stay? Easier to drive back in broad daylight," he coaxes again.
Stiles turns back to him with his hand poised against the door, and this time there's a look on his face that Derek can't quite place.
"I, uh, I better go," Stiles responds quietly, flashing him a thoughtful smile.
"Okay," Derek answers, "hey, good luck tomorrow on your date."
Stiles shakes his head and huffs out another laugh. "Thanks, sourwolf," he throws over his shoulder, as Stiles shuts the door behind him.
The sun is warm on Derek's face as he slowly drifts back to consciousness. Immediately, he's aware of eyes on him and he opens his own to meet Stiles' sleepy, watchful gaze. There's something different about him this time. His skin has lost a little of its sallow tinge and the grey in his lips has faded considerably.
"You were dreaming," Stiles whispers, sunbeams illuminating his skin as he offers Derek a small, tender smile.
"Could you see it?" Derek whispers back, curious.
Stiles shakes his head. "Just…feelings," he murmurs.
"What did you feel?"
"You wanted me to stay," Stiles answers quietly.
Derek watches him tenderly, thinking back to that moment in his dream. Because Stiles is right, even when he hadn't been aware of it, he'd wanted for Stiles to stay. Derek moves to stroke a hand down Stiles' face.
"Don't do that again," he chastises softly, referring to the events of the other night.
Stiles' lips twitch with his apologetic smile.
-x-
When Stiles is finally strong enough to make his own way into the dining room and sit at the table, there's no shortage of pancakes, bacon and eggs, and various pastries and muffins waiting for him.
"Half of this ended up in Malia's stomach last time," Derek offers by way of explanation. Stiles hides his smile with a duck of his head. He thinks that Derek may just be exaggerating a little so that he can give Stiles every kind of breakfast food he's ever loved, but that's okay.
He's half way through his second serving of pancakes, Derek sitting across from him with his coffee, content to just watch him eat, when Scott comes through the front door with Kira.
It only takes Stiles a second of seeing the look on Scott's face to know that his friend is about to tell him something he isn't going to like.
He swallows the bite he's got in his mouth, feels the solidity of it travel slowly down his throat and land in his stomach like a piece of lead.
"Just say it, bro," he encourages quietly.
He already knows it's about Allison. Hers is the only presence still lingering in the back of his mind. He hasn't told anyone that he's considered reaching out his magic to try and find her essence somehow, even though his spark is still very much on the weak side.
There are things non-mages just don't need to know.
"Chris and Isaac are gone," Scott informs.
Stiles knows he doesn't have the same connection of a pack bond as Scott has with a beta - or that of a first love - but he still feels it deep in his gut. Even if he were never aware of it, he'd had his magic tied to every member of the pack and their kin. And Chris and Isaac were that, and more.
Guilt makes his brow furrow and his fingers clench. Suddenly he's not that hungry anymore, even though eating is favorable to getting his strength back. He swallows again, resisting the urge to go back up to Derek's bed, curl into a ball and sink into the abyss of failure waiting to swallow him whole.
"Don't," Derek's voice is gentle and steady, and Stiles meets his gaze from across the table. "Don't do that to yourself, it wasn't your fault."
Stiles wants to blurt out the irrational apology that's trying to crawl its way out of his throat. Doesn't know how to articulate how this feels. What good is it to have the power of the universe if you aren't able to save everyone?
"Guilt isn't always a rational thing*," Stiles replies out loud. The bright green of Derek's eyes comforts him a little through the turmoil of his thoughts, but Stiles keeps his mouth shut and doesn't elaborate.
Because there are things non-mages just don't need to know.
It's later in the day and they're sitting on the couch in the living room with his legs in Derek's lap because - I don't care what you say, you need more rest - Derek insisted. Stiles is just getting into The Avengers when Derek looks away from the movie and focuses on something outside the window.
Stiles hadn't needed to call her, he knows she's been getting his flashes all morning and he knows she's feeling him loud and clear.
-x-
It's only the second time in so many days that he smells this particular scent of rich honey but he feels like it's familiar already. Derek thinks that it may have something to do with the fact that it mixes so well with Stiles' stormy cinnamon and he doesn't quite know how he feels about that.
"Expecting someone?" he queries quietly, hand rubbing one of Stiles' calves under the material of his borrowed sweatpants.
Stiles looks away from the movie, looking confused for a second before his expression clears up.
"Kinda," he replies.
Since Scott had delivered the news that morning, Stiles had been quiet and pensive and Derek knew that despite everyone telling him that it wasn't his fault, the guilt had settled in nice and deep. He'd decided to leave it alone, leave it for Stiles to process and digest, because Derek's no stranger to feelings of irrational guilt. Knew that everyone had their own way of dealing.
"Listen," Stiles starts, pulling his legs off of Derek's lap and moving into a sitting position. "I have to go do something, okay? But I don't want you to worry because it's not dangerous. But you can't come with me."
Derek doesn't need to reply to know that Stiles feels his disagreement loud and clear.
Stiles' gaze focuses on something outside the window and Derek can smell Malia right there on his porch, rich honey now mixed with something deeper, earthier.
"She's not gonna come in right now because she's already got the spell going for me, but I'm done hiding things. And there's still a lot you don't know, but there's one thing – out of all of them – that I really want to tell you. And that's that, even when I go right now, with Malia, and you stay – you're still gonna be my anchor, okay? It's been done and it's not gonna change. That even when I'm out there, so far into the ether that I can't remember anything else? I will still return to you."
-x-
Stiles takes Derek's hand in his and continues.
"It's a magic thing, I guess. That night was the strongest peak of my spark and you were the one who pulled me back. Magic doesn't just let that kind of anchor drift away, you know? It connects."
He's known that making Derek let him go to do this spell would be difficult. Knew that the werewolf would likely not want to let Stiles out of his sight, much less his grasp for the next…ever. But if there's one thing Stiles believed in, it's immediate rehabilitation after a particularly traumatising event. And if he didn't convince Derek to stay at the house while he went and did magicky things sooner rather than later, then later it would just be a bigger problem.
And so, he uses his words to the best of his ability.
"You're the one who grounds me, Der, it doesn't matter how far away we are from each other. My magic grasped you as soon as it heard your voice out there. And it will hold you for as long as you'll have me. So right now, I want you to know that it's okay to let me go. I don't want you to feel worried or afraid because I'll come right back."
Their fingers are intertwined between them now and Stiles makes sure to have all of his heart - from all of the years - in his eyes.
And when Derek flashes him one of his rare, coveted smiles, Stiles knows that Derek can see it all.
"There is no fear in love*," Derek murmurs to him, giving his hand a slight squeeze. And Stiles feels a warmth spread through his heart that has nothing to do with his spark, because Derek said love.
"Go," Derek orders with an affectionate tone. "I'll be right here."
-x-
When he steps outside, Malia's waiting for him, body surrounded with a tinge of sky blue. She's holding her mother's necklace in one hand, the other stretched out for him, waiting.
"Just this once," she murmurs.
Stiles steps forward and takes her hand, and the jump hardly disorients him as they land in the clearing where Allison died. Malia releases his hand and offers him an encouraging nod. He's not up to his full strength yet but this is important.
Instinctively, he draws from his spark and traces the relevant patterns into the ground. He draws the final circle around him and Malia, and as he closes it, the symbol ignites into a light, orange glow. The wind picks up a little and he feels her before he sees her. Her presence materialises by his right shoulder, and he doesn't turn straight away because she brushes a soft kiss against his cheek.
Like the last time.
Glad you're okay, Stiles.
The moment echoes in his brain. Allison planting a soft kiss on his cheek as he sits in Derek's kitchen surrounded by pack.
His heart is heavy when he turns to face her ethereal form. But when he finally lays eyes on her, he can't help but release a deep, breathless sigh. She looks different from the last he'd seen her. Younger. Her hair is long and flowing like when they'd first met, and there's a small, calm smile on her face.
She looks happy.
They say that after death your spirit goes back to the time of your life when it first felt the happiest. And as Stiles meets Allison's gaze, her words upon her dying breath echo through his mind.
"It's okay, it's okay, it's perfect. I'm in the arms of my first love. The first person I ever loved. The person I'll always love..."
Allison's spirit doesn't say anything. Doesn't need to say anything as she continues to speak to Stiles with her wide, expressive eyes.
I'm okay.
Her smile widens further as she reaches out a ghostly arm. Makes to touch the tear that escapes the corner of Stiles' eye as he feels his chest lighten with the absolution of his guilt. He smiles at her through his tears. Feels the change in the air as Allison begins to fade from view.
Her spirit dissolves into the brightness of the Light and as it fades away, a white lily takes its place. He watches as it floats gently in mid air before drifting slowly to the ground.
Stiles senses Malia moving around him, deactivating the symbols and closing the spell. As she finally breaks the circle, amulet still in hand and aura still glowing blue, Stiles bends down and picks up the lily.
"She looked different," Malia murmurs observantly.
Stiles smiles a little sadly, meets Malia's gaze from a few paces away.
"It was the time of her first love," he explains, knowing he didn't need to say much more. Malia nods in understanding, turns to face him and holds out her hand.
"What is it that I always say?" she coaxes softly.
Stiles steps forward and slips his hand into hers as he murmurs dutifully.
"It's gonna be okay."
And he hardly feels the jump at all.
-x-
A/N: Some notes about some of the phrases I used in this chapter.
"Guilt isn't always a rational thing." – Marueen Johnson, Girl at Sea
"There is no fear in love" – 1 John 4:18
Yes, I know it's a bible verse, but hey, Derek is very well read, okay? =) If anyone is interested, the whole thing goes like this:
" There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."