Ziva had pulled them out of two taxis and Tony was at a loss as to why. But he went along with it, as she yelled loudly in Arabic and Hebrew. It seemed she finally found one, they piled their luggage in and sat in the back seat. She spoke in Arabic again, and they were off. Tony and Ziva had already been on the road for hours and hours. It felt like they were in the middle of no where but they were in a small town.
Tony turned to Ziva, "are you going tell me where we are going?" He was wondering a lot more then that, but he left the simplest of his questions out for her to answer.
She sighed. Then huffed. Then must have decided to answer him because she spoke at that point. "Tony, I have lost my whole family. I have no one left. Destruction is in my wake..." Her words came out in exasperation, and covering deep emotion.
She wasn't done, but since she paused he broke in at that point. "Ziva, do you really blame yourself for your family dying?" He sounded incredulous, because he was. He had no idea that she carried the weight of whole family's death on her shoulders. But it made so much sense as to who she was. He felt like he got another piece to the puzzle of who Ziva was.
"Who else is there to blame Tony?!" She sighed, losing control of her voice and then shakily continued, "who is the one person left after their deaths?"
Tony thought about it. She would probably always feel responsible for Ari's death. There was so many pieces to that story, that that one would be hard to let go. And Ziva and her father had such a crazy, mixed up relationship...he understood how she felt partly to blame in that case- even though it was completely untrue, he understood. But Tali, and her mother? Really? Then Tony realized he didn't know the circumstances around Tali's death or any details about her mother's. He was reminded that there was a lot going on for Ziva on this trip. So much un reconciled emotion and such pain. He spoke slowly, trying to use very exact words. He looked her directly in the eye so she couldn't misunderstand what he was saying or with what heart it came from, " Ziva, I am sorry that you are the only person left in your family. I can't imagine what that feels like. And I am sorry that there is such a history of violence in your family. But NONE of this is you fault. I know it's hard to see that. But someday, I hope you are able to step out from under this weight you carry, so you don't pass it to your own children." He stopped, watching her face. There were doors being unlocked behind her eyes and deep treasures chests being opened. He continued. "You can be the first step to a new legacy. Think about it." Then he gave her a tense smile and squeezed her hand.
Ziva was speechless for a long time thinking. He had just given her another reason to not go home to DC. She could start over, building a new legacy for the David family. The ideas had already been in her head and heart. He had just added to the reasons, and given her a deeper sense of why it should be done.
Tony hoped that she was thinking about his proposition, and was please with himself that he had found comforting words to sooth her. He had no idea what was going on in her brain and heart, but had he known- he would have been heartbroken. After awhile of silence, he turned to her again and said, "where are we going?"
"Amman" she said simply still a lot in her heart and mind to contemplate.
"Jordan?" Tony was surprised. "Is there a reason Ziva?" He asked, trying to pull her from her thoughts.
"I need to see it Tony. My mother was killed there. I n- need to be there. To see it." There was a lot of emotion in her voice and he could tell this was not a simple trip. She was trying to reconcile her whole past.
He was surprised that she was letting him be part of such an intimate trip. He felt like there were still things she was keeping from him about all this, and something just didn't feel right. But he would wait her out. The other shoe would drop. And she was giving him more to go on then usual. He took her hand and closed his eyes.
Ziva's mind was still reeling. She could change all of this! The whole direction her family was going in! That thought thrilled her heart and gave her a reason to live! So much death and destruction- all for no sensible reason and all centered around her. But stopping it, giving it up and starting something new? That gave her heart hope she had not felt since she was child, it gave her a sense of control, and she knew it must be what she was meant to do. She started making plans for a bright future. Then everything in her mind halted with one thought- Tony. Could she let Tony go home without her? Could she beak both of their hearts and stop the path their hearts were going down? They had finally said the words to start something together. Could she give that up? But could she really accept it either? She didn't deserve it. She wasn't sure that she could really enter into it to the point that he wanted her to. Did she deserve happiness at all? Let alone all of her dreams to come true? Staying and starting a new family legacy made so much more sense, and was so much easier. Could she let go of him though- really? So much to think about, and having him next to her was not helping. He was sweetly rubbing her finger with his thumb as he fell asleep. She couldn't believe that this was the same man that she had met eight years before. He seemed so different now that he loved her. There was so much more to him. This was going to be an agonizing decision and she had to make it on her own. She leaned over and kissed his mouth. Needing to feel the contact of his lips and the emotions that it rose in both of them.
He opened his eyes wide in surprise, but quickly caught up with her and kissed her with all that emotion of the last couple of days. He had no way of knowing where this sentiment was coming from but he wasn't going to argue about it. He kissed her with everything he had in him, and showed her all the facets of his heart that needed to be spoken at some point. His hands stroked her face and hers wrapped around his neck. If they hadn't been in the back of a taxi, this would have gone somewhere very intimate. But they were, so they both backed up and looked at each other.
"I would love to know what is going on in that pretty little head of yours sweet cheeks." He smiled warmly and wrapped his fingers in her hair trying to place what her eyes were speaking to him.
She tried to hide what she was thinking and stored it away for later. All of the emotion and intimacy were gone in her eyes, and he sighed, "not ready to tell me huh?"
She kissed his cheek and sat back in her seat. He was too good at reading her. She would have to be very careful what she let him see.
Tony still puzzled over the last few moments. Something scared him about the look in her eye. It was almost... And his stomach absolutely dropped and his mouth went dry. GOODBYE. She was saying GOODBYE! He felt completely nauseated and thought he might throw up. He desperately needed to get out of the car, but couldn't do so without letting Ziva know that he understood what this was. He was panicking now and hyperventilating. He had to calm down, to push it aside. He could deal with it later, when he was alone. But no, it was all too much. There had been too much hope built up on this trip. He had let himself believe that he finally had it- the whole package! Visions of showing up at NCIS with Ziva on his arm, his grin a mile wide as he explained that he had won her had been allowed to flourish in his mind. But now that was costing him. He looked out the window not being able to stifle the sobs and tears that came. She either didn't see or ignored it because she didn't move an inch for over an hour while he attempted to gain back control.
They were both startled when they reached a border crossing checkpoint and had to get out of the car for a search. They got out not looking at each other. Ziva spoke in Arabic with the cab driver to the border patrol. It got a little heated, but Tony couldn't tell what was being said. They were allowed to get back into the car and continue on their way- still hours from there destination. Tony still hadn't gathered himself enough to turn to Ziva, and she seemed lost in her own thoughts still. It left him more time to deal, to push down the hope that had been building. And Tony just felt tired.