Again, it's a bit of a long chapter, and I know it's sort of pausing the story a little, but I really wanted to try and see what it was like writing the other dwarves, and actually it was quite fun! :) I think Nori was definitely the hardest, I don't think I've managed to get the character like he was presented in the movies... Anyway, a little stop in the story for this week and next chapter will try and get back on tracks! Enjoy! :)
Thorin sighed deeply as he leaned against the door leading to their room. He'd talked his nephew into coming down and sharing a little supper with them, arguing that if he wanted to get better, he could start facing his fears at the dinner table, and Bilbo would be there if he needed any help from the hobbit. However, he wouldn't force him to eat if he didn't feel up to it, knowing that making the lad eat would only cause more harm than good. Fili had agreed, and asked Thorin to leave him a few minutes to recompose himself on his own, before he'd come and join him, and they'd make their way to lord Elrond's dining hall together.
Then, there was the problem that was his sister's husband. How was he possibly going to deal with him? The dwarf had always come off as respectable, and he knew Dis loved him dearly, even he himself had held him in high regards. Would he be willing to break their bond for the sake of their son? He didn't want to be angry with him, and technically, it was very difficult to lay blame here, but this would need to be addressed, no matter how unpleasant the conversation would be. Why did he have to deal with such complicated questions…
Looking up from where he'd leaned against the door, he noticed Balin, his old friend. The white haired dwarf must have come after him. Had he not been completely drained of all form of energy, he probably would have reprimanded him for following their leader without his consent, knowing he'd probably heard the whole of their conversation, but right now, he didn't think he could stand more long speeches.
"Is the lad any better?" The question hurt. He really wanted to answer yes, to reassure him that Fili was doing fine and that he'd only been a little tired, but he'd never lie to his friend, besides, Balin would probably see straight through it anyway.
"No, not really, but Fili's agreed to come down for dinner. If you could maybe get a small plate ready for him, I would really appreciate it." It sent Balin off to see to his king's demand, loyal as always. Thorin had truly been blessed when it came to his company.
After a few minutes of tense waiting, the door finally creaked open, and his nephew stepped out. He looked uncertain about this decision, but Thorin couldn't stand by a moment longer without trying to at least help. He approached Fili, and gave his hand a slight squeeze, this was going to be okay.
The others, Bilbo included, had all been eating merrily, trying to fill themselves up as much as they could, knowing they wouldn't be having this luxury for a while once they left the elf palace. They'd all been arguing on who had the smartest pony among them, Bofur fervently defending his beast as the best, and getting seriously countered by Nori when the doors opened, letting their leader and his nephew in.
The whole table immediately fell silent, as they caught a glimpse of the blonde beside Thorin. That wasn't Fili, he was so… exhausted, thin, small. While some saw a dwarfling who seemed to not have slept in years, judging by the white face and the dark circles around his eyes, others saw some kind of living corpse walking towards the table due to the bony look. Needless to say, they didn't pass a comment, knowing that whatever the problem was, Thorin didn't need to have them add their own observations to it, and they returned to their plates, albeit much less enthusiastic about eating their meal.
Bilbo wasn't too sure what to make of the pair. They'd obviously talked, judging by Fili's red eyes probably cried too, and the hobbit was relieved that Thorin had managed to spare some time to face his nephew and his problems, but he wasn't sure it had actually helped. Bilbo wanted to be useful, he'd wanted to be able to aid all these dwarves when leaving the Shire. Fili had obviously needed help, it was now painfully evident, but Bilbo still wasn't sure if the lad would hold a grudge against him for it. He hoped not, they'd been getting along so well, Bilbo had hoped he'd made a good friend, and it was only because he'd felt concerned that he'd confided his fears to Thorin. He really hoped Fili would forgive him. He may only have been a hobbit, but when it came to caring for others, Bilbo had promised himself he'd keep an eye out, if ever anyone should need help. He only wished he'd seen this sooner.
Kili had been the most struck when he laid eyes on his brother, it had been like a blow to both his head and heart. That was Fili? No! His brother was a dwarf only a few years older than him, who always laughed and was full of energy, not this silent thing. What on earth had happened to him? As he passed by, he could see that it was as if he'd just shrunken in to himself, judging by the floating shirt he was wearing. Even Kili, who had always had more muscle than his brother, looked at least ten times stronger than him right now.
"Fili-" he tried calling out to him, wanting to know what had happened, even if his eyes could see for themselves, but Thorin cut him off with one of his stern looks It's better off saved for later, at least for now.
He looked down at his plate, but the food that had looked so tempting just a few minutes ago seemed to have been sucked of all of it's taste now. He grabbed a slice of bread all the same, and chewed on it as his eyes followed his Uncle and Fili, who'd seated each other side by side at the head of the table. He could see the uneasy glances his brother was giving, as he eyed the table and it's contents, but he never said anything. Oh! How could he not have seen this sooner? He was Fili's brother for Mahal's sake!
Thorin had given Fili a small plate, not even half full, and already Kili could see how his brother's breathing had quickened, and how he was panicking inside. Fili didn't want to eat? No! Kili really hoped
his brother wasn't victim of what he thought he was, but when he heard him trying to protest with a "But won't somebody else need it?" He knew. He knew what plagued him, and he felt awful for not seeing it before any of the others.
"There's enough here for everyone, Fili." he heard Thorin reply, calmly, as he gestured to the table, which was covered with amounts enough for at least two helpings for all of them, including a good portion for Bombur. He saw the little sign of head Thorin did next, silently nudging Fili on to try something, even if it was the smallest item on the table. Bilbo had also stayed next to his Uncle, and looked encouragingly at the blonde, quietly conveying the same message as his Uncle through his eyes.
At first, he'd thought his brother would refuse and run away, like he'd done when the hobbit had offered him the soup a few nights ago. He almost sighed in relief when he saw him extend a shaking arm out to reach a small piece of bread. He looked at it for a while, before tearing a small part of and bringing it up to his mouth, but couldn't bring himself to complete the action.
Fili looked up at him next, looking totally lost and scared, and Kili didn't like the look in the slightest, yet he knew Thorin was right, Fili had to eat if he wanted to continue on with them, otherwise he'd collapse from exhaustion. Judging by how skinny he'd become, Kili found himself surprised, but not in a good way, when he wondered how on earth his brother had managed to stay with them all this time already, and how he'd managed to hide his condition form all of them, especially him. Actually, it had apparently taken Bilbo to spot the problem, although how the hobbit had managed to get to his brother, Kili didn't even know. Yes, his own brother didn't look remolty dwarvish anymore, safe maybe for the small mustache and beard he'd managed to grow. Although the few layers of clothes hid the state he was currently in, Kili could still guess there were more bones than skin hidden underneath, testifying the actions Fili had done to himself while he'd been blissfully ignorant. He didn't trust himself to speak just yet, still too shocked at the whole situation and fearing he might let out words he'd regret, and just gave his brother a comforting smile as he nodded, encouraging him to take another bite.
At least, he was trying to overcome this fear of his, and Kili knew he'd do it eventually, even if it took time. There wasn't anything his older brother couldn't manage to do, he was Fili, of course he'd get better!
As each of the dwarves slowly went back to lifting forks and spoons to their mouths, they all contemplated on what they could have done, regarding helping Fili.
Balin was among those who felt the most guilt well up inside him. He was one of the few on this journey to be extremely close to Thorin and who was fully trusted by the three Durins. Although his allegiance lay with their leader, he also knew he should have looked out for his family too, knowing how much Thorin cared for his two sister sons. Being somewhat of a counselor to Thorin, and knowing how he could put pressure on everybody without meaning it, he knew that his nephews had probably suffered some of his outbursts, Fili especially, as he was the elder of the two. He felt sorry for the blonde. Indeed, Fili had found a way to deal the responsibility he felt, it just hadn't been in the right way. Alongside Thorin, Balin had experienced great loss in other times, and he knew this company couldn't afford to part with any of it's members. He knew that Thorin, despite sometimes coming off as a cold and austere person, wouldn't be able to make it should one of their own fall before reaching Erebor. Losing any member of the company would deeply wound him, but if he'd lost his eldest nephew… Balin was aware of the way Thorin went on around Fili, probably not coming off as a caring uncle, but deep down he knew that there was nothing he wasn't prepared to do to ensure their well being.
Fili's problem had caused a tear in the Durin family, one they would have to work together to mend as best they could. He hadn't told Thorin, he cared too much for his friend to let him in on it, but there was always the possibility that Fili would never totally heal from this.
Dwalin had always remembered Fili as being the smaller of the two brothers, even when they were only young lads, when he'd been training them both himself in the arts of fighting. Thorin's blond nephew had always had a good hand for the sword, and over years of practicing with him, Dwalin had been quite impressed on how much the little dwarfling had improved. He'd always been proud of Fili, of both brothers, and after their training, he'd always try and let their father and Thorin know how quickly they were improving. While Kili often got praised from both sides, he found the elder was often pushed aside, and it hurt him, even when Thorin gave kind words to him when their father would not.
Dwalin had come to respect Fili, and even if nobody else was, he could say that he was indeed very proud of his improvements.
However, after catching sight of the lad as he quietly seated himself next to his uncle, Dwalin started to have his doubts. He wasn't questioning Fili's skills, he knew the lad was deadly with his two swords, he knew how to use them. However, as he caught the floating sleeves which dissimulated scrawny arms, he started to wonder if he'd still be able to use them. With the small frame he now had, Dwalin wondered if Fili could physically handle supporting the weight of his two swords at once, and at the same time be able to fight for a certain length of time. No doubt the lad would need to train again, but Thorin's friend may want to find something lighter for their swordsman to use, at least until he gained back the weight he'd lost, which was too much for comfort.
After getting a glimpse of the lad, Gloin immediately felt his fatherly protectiveness emerge. He'd known Fili since he was just a dwarfling, when he and his brother would play with his own son, Gimli. He'd thought it was pure madness on Thorin's part to bring the lad along with them, having refused to embark his own little one. If the quest had drained Fili like this, Mahal only knew what could have happened to Gimli, he didn't even want to start thinking about it. If not for Fili himself, Gloin wanted to be able to bring Fili back in one piece, knowing there was at least one little red-head dwarfling who was eagerly waiting for him and his brother. He'd wished to bring a proud warrior and future prince of Erebor back to Gimli, somebody who would proudly show him around their homeland once they reclaimed it, not a broken dwarfling. What would Gimli say if he could see the state his friend was in…
However, Fili wasn't completely lost to them, he knew Thorin, and he knew he wouldn't let his nephew's condition get any worse, the Durins were hard to kill after all.
Oin had accepted to come on the quest as a healer. Before leaving he'd done ample researches in the great libraries on any kind of injury and poison he could find. He'd wanted to be ready, to be able to help his king should the need arise. The white haired dwarf had went through ointments, lotions, herbs and so much more, and by the time they had left for Erebor, he'd thought he was ready to treat any kind of ailment.
Yet here he was, looking at Thorin's scanty little nephew, and he couldn't do anything to help him. He'd thought he'd be facing battle wounds and maybe the occasional sickness, anything he could treat with his knowledge of herbs, but what he knew seemed almost futile now. There was no solution he could think of, nothing he could give to the lad to help him.
Being a healer had always been Oin life goal. He'd experienced the horrors of war, he'd known the pain of loss and how it affected some so much, and had decided he would try to save lives as best he could. Being accepted as a member of the great Thorin Oakenshield's company had been beyond anything he'd ever imagined, and he'd sworn to himself that he'd do anything if it meant that their leader could set eyes on his home once more. He'd healed numerous cuts and bruises along the way already, even on Thorin himself, yet now, he could do nothing. Oin knew Thorin wanted his nephew to get better, he knew his king was expecting him to come up with some form of magic draught that would immediately set things right, but Oin couldn't do it this time, because it wasn't a wound he could heal.
Seeing Fili's struggle at the table, he immediately saw that the problem was psychological, that no matter how many draughts or herbs he'd give the blond lad, it wouldn't help, he had to recover without any form of medicine. Oin knew the best form of help he could get now was support from those he held close, namely from his uncle and brother. It was going to be hard, but he'd seen the Durin line, he knew they wouldn't go down without a fight, and if Fili wouldn't fight for himself, then Kili and Thorin would definitely fight for him.
Bombur honestly didn't know what he should be thinking at the moment. He'd come on this quest to look out for his brothers, Bifur and Bofur, but since they'd started their journey, he felt like the thirteen of them had become some sort of a family. It hurt him to see Fili do this to himself. Bombur was the complete opposite of the blond, he wasn't an elder brother, he didn't even have that many responsibilities to attend to, safe the one to make sure the whole company was well fed, and right now, he was afraid of meeting Thorin's eyes. He was sure the dwarf king would take it out on him, telling the poor obese dwarf he should have made sure that his nephew was eating the meals their cook was doing, instead of trying to sneak off with second helpings.
However, it had been in the obese dwarf's nature for years. As a young lad, he'd never had the comfort any of the three Durin's had grown up with, he was a peasant's son, and he'd been through hard times, where food was scarce. He knew what it was like to give up one's meal to ensure the well being of a younger brother, he knew the responsibility it felt like, he'd done it for Bofur, even if he wasn't really younger than him. But ever since he'd manage to survive famine as a child, he'd taken to appreciate each and every one of his meals, taking up the role of cook in Thorin's company because he couldn't bear the idea of anyone else enduring what he had.
Being around those twelve other dwarves, the hobbit and the wizard, he'd learnt to appreciate food all the more, and each one of their meals was different. Eating wasn't something to be afraid of, it was a moment where one could talk and appreciate little simple things in life. Over the years, Bombur had learnt to make the best of the most common ingredients he could find, wanting to show people that indeed, one could be happy with the simplest little things. It hurt him to see how Fili seemed to deprive himself of them, and hoped that, if Fili was indeed willing to recover, he, as their cook, could give the blond an appreciation for food again, show him that eating was something to enjoy, and not to fear.
Bofur was a toy maker, not a skilled warrior, a dwarf of knowledge or a crown prince. He'd been on good terms with Thorin before he'd asked him to join him in reclaiming the mountain, but knew barely anything of his two little nephews. He'd met their leader when he'd first arrived in the Blue Mountains, where Bofur helped him adjust to the uneasy life he'd led there. Of course, he'd seen Fili on occasions, when he would cling to his uncle's sleeve as he gave Bofur a visit, yet trying to appear as an adult in front of strangers. The lad had always known what was expected of him, he'd grown up with the knowledge that one day, he'd be sitting on the great throne of Erebor, once Thorin wouldn't be able for the task anymore, and it saddened him. He admired how Fili took on those responsibilities, never once complaining, but at the same time, he could see a small chunk of the life he should have had as a child being sucked out of him.
Embarking with them, Bofur could see now that Fili was lost, being neither a small dwarfling nor a fully grown adult yet. He could understand the loss, after all, he'd faced it too. Bofur had never truly grown up, there had always been a part of him that had remained a child, much to the dismay of his parents. He'd kept that childish personality, letting it live on throughout jokes he made, songs he composed or even his work, as a toy maker. He couldn't even imagine how he would have faced having his childhood taken away from him like that.
Prior to their journey, he'd seen in Fili only Thorin's little childish nephew, who wanted to prove himself to his Uncle, to show Thorin that he could entrust his line to him. Now tough, the blond was trapped, being neither an adult, but no longer a child, and he didn't know how to deal with it. Bofur thought Fili could have come to him about it, but knew the lad was too stubborn to seek the help of others, much like his Uncle. Regardless of his actions, Bofur still held a deep respect for the Durin's, and if he could, he'd protect what child was left in Fili, he wouldn't let that small piece of innocence die away for the sake of reclaiming Erebor. Thorin had said it himself, he wouldn't risk anyone for the quest, and neither would he, as one of his loyal companions. After all, Fili was as much entitled to still have some sort of childhood as any of them here.
Bifur had never been very good with words, so losing the ability to speak after a terrible accident, which left his head scarred, had never really felt like a hindrance to him. He'd eventually gotten used to it, and had learnt how to communicate with his brothers again. It had taken time, but with a little willpower and the support from his kin, he'd managed to pull through. He'd been immensely proud, when he could communicate with them again, thanks to a sign language they'd developed, even if it was still difficult sometimes. From then, he'd thought that anybody who couldn't speak eventually got used to it, like he had. But obviously, he'd been proven wrong tonight.
He wasn't one for displaying any kind of affection, even less emotion, but like the others gathered here, he held a deep respect towards Thorin, him and his family.
So naturally, he held some form of admiration for Fili. However, he could see now that the lad hadn't wanted to slow them down, he hadn't wanted to put himself before Thorin's quest, and thus had silenced both himself and his troubles to the others.
Bifur understood how hard it was. He knew what it was like, when you desperately tried to convey a problem to others, without the ability to tell them, and they didn't understand. He knew what it felt like to have countless numbers of people around him, yet still feel utterly alone and misunderstood, he'd often had the problem, even with his brothers. Maybe Fili felt like that too, wanting to be able to speak up, wanting to communicate the problem, but not being able to, and having everyone around him blind to his troubles. Maybe he really wanted to let something out, but resigned himself to silence because he couldn't bring himself to speak up, because he couldn't grasp what exactly the problem was.
However, even if Bifur himself didn't speak anymore, and had managed to cope with it through grunts and battle cries, he knew Fili couldn't stay like that. The old dwarf had learnt to deal with it over the years, he'd been old already when he'd lost the ability to speak, but Fili was young, he had a supporting family, and having witnessed Thorin's reaction, he hoped it would encourage his nephew, make him realize that he could talk and resolve his problems and fears by discussing them, not by shutting down and taking it out on himself.
Dori was among the more serious members of the group, he had responsibilities and he lived up to them. However, before being a member of Thorin Oakenshield's company, he was an older brother. Indeed, he was the eldest of the Ri family, and he'd always been known to be slightly lenient towards his two younger siblings.
He'd always been under pressure as an elder, having to look out not only for himself, but also for Nori and Ori, who he loved deeply. It was hard sometimes, very hard, and even if he did have an occasional outburst with them (well Nori essentially) he still cared for them.
However, he was older than Fili, and had also had a longer experience of what being an elder brother meant. Despite being fierce protective of his kin, much like the three Durin were, he also knew to never let that bond they had come before each individual of the family, including himself.
Being quite a bit older than the blond had also let him have his fair share of adventures and lessons he'd learned alongside his brothers. Yes he felt pressure to look out for those he cared for, much like the Durin prince, but Fili's way of dealing with it wasn't right. He didn't blame the lad, of course not, he needed to learn from his mistakes, and even if this one could have cost him much more, he could see the blonde just might have gotten something out of it.
Dori cared for his family, much like Fili, but they differed when coming to themselves. Where Fili almost felt unworthy of anything his family had, letting others pass before himself to an extreme, Dori knew where to draw the line. He'd made the same mistake as the blond in his younger years, albeit it hadn't turned out so drastic, but he'd learned that his family also needed him, Dori, not just his looking out for them. Hopefully, Kili would be able to make his brother see it that way too.
Nori had his eyes doubled in size as he'd laid them on Fili. He hadn't said anything tough, feeling it wasn't in his place to let anything out, even if it were comforting words. Turning back to his plate, he'd still thought about it tough.
In some ways, he could understand Fili's actions. He himself was a middle brother, and much like the heir to Erebor's throne, he often felt out of place in the Ri family. He knew the feeling of being thrown between a rock and a hard place, even if he wasn't an elder brother, he felt it too sometimes.
He wasn't allowed to be as naïve as Ori, his little brother, people were not indulgent to him, Nori wasn't allowed to have this child personality he would have liked to claim sometimes. Yes, he was a mischievous dwarf, but occasionally, he just wished he could be allowed a bit more lenience. And then there was Dori. Maybe he didn't show it, but he cared for his elder brother, he really did, but nothing he did in his life ever felt right.
Indeed, everything he'd done, he'd done after Dori, so it wasn't anything new to his parents, he was never seen as the responsible brother he would have liked to be. While they kept on praising Ori however, he only felt pushed away, caught between the shadow of his elder and the sunshine his little brother was.
Both of his brothers were extremely nice to him however, he couldn't have wished for a better family, but sometimes, he just felt like he didn't belong there, that if there were to be only two Ri brothers one day, if he left, it wouldn't matter, because he was just a spare.
Nori really liked the Durin boys, both of them. He liked the way they could make him forget his place with their jokes and pranks, in which he'd sometimes take part in himself, in which he was able to develop a personality. With them, he was able to be Nori, not a shadow living behind his two brothers. He'd never really thought that Fili felt this much pressure, he hid it well. After all, so did the middle Ri, knowing Ori passed before him in anything, and that Dori was extremely aware of their younger brother. Despite the lack of affection he sometimes felt, he knew both his brothers cared for him deeply, as he did for them, and he wished that Fili could see it too. Thorin and Kili cherished him as an individual, that the blond was irreplaceable.
Orirembered what he'd wished for when he first left his home and met the other dwarves he'd be traveling with, he'd wished there had been someone smaller than him. On top of being one of the youngest, he had always had a light build, which often led to people overlooking his skills and what he could bring to them. True, Ori was not a fighter, he couldn't even hold a sword properly, so he learned to defend himself elsewhere, with writing and manipulating words. Still, he had wished he wasn't the smallest among these great warriors.
This wasn't what he'd wanted though. Not at all.
Ori had always had a small body, even for a dwarf, but looking at Fili, the blonde was even smaller than him now, and he was supposed to be a warrior. The scribe knew Thorin's nephew was going to have a very hard time gaining back his old strength.
Despite Fili's slip, Ori still admired the two Durin brothers, very much. In his childhood, he'd often wished that someday, he might be a warrior just like them. Even now, both of them had become his role models since they'd met in Bilbo's house, but he knew he'd never be as strong. He was starting to accept in tough. After meeting with the other dwarves Thorin had brought with him, he realized that they weren't all fearsome warriors (Dwalin being the only exception, of course), and had gradually accepted that the exiled king needed different dwarves for different skills. He'd taken his job as a scribe very seriously, not wanting to disappoint his king, yet not to the extent Fili had taken it upon himself to look out for Bilbo. Despite being just slightly younger than the blonde, tough looking like he were many years younger, Ori knew where to draw the line, Dori had thought him well.
Up till now, he had often found himself wishing he possessed the same skill as the brothers, and disregarding his own skills at the same time. But seeing how thinking like that had affected Fili, he'd come to appreciate his individual skills a little more. If he could, despite being a very shy person, he would like to let the blonde see his way too, let Fili appreciate his own skills, and get him out of this self-loathing state he'd fallen into. Despite not being able to see it, the blond was loved by his family, just like Ori was by his two older brothers, and in truth, everybody in the company liked him. Ori enjoyed listening to adventures Kili would tell him, of pranks he and Fili had played on poor Thorin in their younger days, and he looked up to Thorin's nephew, hoping he could be a good brother like that, too.
Fili had managed to take a few mouthfuls, he'd managed to force himself to swallow the food down, and with Thorin and Bilbo's help it had been a little easier, especially considering the others were now aware of the whole thing. He knew that it was what Uncle wanted to see, but grasping some of the reactions of the other dwarves, he realized that maybe he was still wanted here, that maybe the others still wished to see him continue on with them. And the knowledge of the fact warmed some part inside of him, maybe things hadn't been easy, but if Fili knew he could count on his fourteen companions, maybe things would be okay…