Here's the next chapter, definitely one of the ones I had the most fun typing up for now, Bilbo is such a great character to write! :)
Thorin couldn't bear to stay any longer. He knew he should, for his little nephew's sake, but he just couldn't. Seeing Fili struggling simply around a meal, with his hands clenching his knife and fork until his knuckles went white, he just couldn't. He felt awful for leaving so abruptly, even if Balin was still there, but he needed time to himself, he needed to get away from what he'd done. As he closed the door to the dining hall gently, he broke into a run, as he made his way to the high cliffs by the waterfall where not an hour earlier Elrond had been reading a map for him, a map he'd most reluctantly handed over to him. He knew he could be alone there.
That was where lord Elrond found him. Nobody could tell how long the dwarf had been standing there, staring out into nothing, but it had been a long while, if they were to judge by the moon in the sky.
None of them said anything for a while, feeling the tense air surrounding them, although both knew of each other's presence.
To anybody, it could have looked like Thorin was just gazing out into the night, just soaking in all the features of Rivendell, but the lord of Imlardis knew better. The dwarf king hadn't even acknowledged him, hadn't even moved, and judging by how white his knuckles were, he certainly wasn't thinking about anything remotely pleasant.
Elrond stood silently tough, not breaking the uneasiness that lingered in the air, he knew what Thorin was thinking about. After all, he'd seen him too.
He'd managed to get a good look at the younger dwarf, and indeed, he was quite a mess. However, Elrond was surprised a dwarf would fall victim to this kind of "sickness". He'd known humans to be affected by it, he'd even been called upon to heal certain, and even though it had been a difficult task, his patients had always pulled through. Elves had a much smaller appetite, nevertheless, it didn't spare them completely. Some elves, affected by grief, sometimes retracted so much into themselves, forgetting to see to their needs, that they died of it. But those were very rare cases, and he hadn't experienced it at all through his lifetime, thank the Valar.
Dwarves, however, it was most odd. From what he knew, they had always been a much less refined culture, enjoying great quantities of whatever they had. He knew how they were famous for throwing the biggest feasts throughout Middle Earth, yet here was one dwarf who defied the prejudice he had.
Prior to meeting the company, he'd already heard of Thorin Oakenshield, who hadn't? Being the heir to the throne of Erebor and one of the proud dwarves from the line of Durin made anonymity quite difficult for someone such as he. Elrond had heard tales about him, and had forged up an image of said dwarf, as a leader. This projection had embodied all the prejudice he held towards them. He'd expected him to be cold, stoic, even unpleasant, and true, Thorin had lived up to those qualities.
But looking at him now, he could also see that beneath the bitter façade he pulled out in public, he was also an uncle, an uncle who had a family he cared deeply for, even while living in exile.
Despite not being able to interpret dwarvish expressions, Elrond could feel how shattered Thorin was, and it was almost scary, seeing the grand heir to Erebor in such a state. He may not understand in dwarf standards what was going through his "guest's" mind, but he could understand as a father. What would he have done, if he knew people he held dear were slowly wasting away, while he would feel powerless?
"Is there nothing you can do to help him? I've heard that elves are skilled with magic." The deep voice cut through his chain of thoughts, and Elrond looked down, to see the broken expression on the dark haired being's face. He looked weak, Elrond noticed, and had he been in his right state of mind, Thorin would most definitely not be acting like this, let alone asking the help from elves. Maybe dwarves weren't the insensitive creatures he'd made up in his mind after all. Well at least, Thorin didn't fit the description, not right now. Elrond understood the blame Thorin was putting on himself, for not being able to see his companion's suffering before now, and wished there would be a way he could help him.
"I'm afraid not, Master Dwarf. Truly, I would help you if I could, but this is not something any vial or a bit of magic can heal, only time will help. Your friend will have to pull through this by himself."
"But what if he refuses any meals from now on?" Thorin shot back, almost instantly. He'd totally lost his calm composure. "Fili ate a bit today, not enough for my liking but I won't push him, however there's nothing there to make sure he'll do it tomorrow, and I can't force him, he'll only retreat back further into himself" He looked down at his hands, before finishing. "I can't lose my nephew…" he all but whispered to himself.
So the blonde was family, Elrond had figured as such. Thorin was facing something much more personal then, but neither the elf lord nor any sort magic could help him here.
Thorin had known all along that nothing physical would help. He'd tried to convince himself that, yes, Elrond would surely have something, but knew he didn't. The lord of Imlardris had confirmed his fears by now anyway.
He tried thinking back to something that could have triggered Fili into doing such a thing to himself, he tried recalling words, actions, memories, and indeed, after a while rummaging through his brain, he found one of the possible causes, if not the major cause, of his nephew's sudden downfall.
It was easy, really, he should have seen if much earlier than this, when he could have so easily lost Fili. Maybe a part of Thorin knew what the cause was, but had just wanted to hide it away, and not face it, like he'd done on other occasions in his life. However, now, the answer was no longer repressed, he had found the cause of his nephew's troubles, and was disgusted when he came to the realization of what it actually was.
Himself.
Of course, Thorin was wrong when assuming the entire responsibility for his nephew's state. There were many involved, but the heir to Erebor felt that by placing the entire weight of what had happened onto his shoulder, it might help him deal with it. It wasn't right, but Thorin felt he needed to do so. Indeed, he started seeing places where he'd went wrong, while raising his young heir. He could now see the flaws of his treatment towards Fili, which explained why the blonde had retreated into himself so much over the past few months. Thorin felt wave after wave of wrongs he'd committed towards the blonde, and he couldn't understand why Fili had never resented him for it, Thorin was deeply touched by his nephew's lack of grudge.
By overlooking Fili as a nephew and family member, instead replacing him as an heir, Thorin had forgotten that the lad was still barely out of childhood, that he'd plagued him with too many responsibilities for a child that age, crowned prince or not, and that substituting Thorin Oakenshield to Uncle Thorin, he'd made his nephew devalue himself with his harsh words and constant reminding of his duties.
And he hated himself for it.
He'd been lucky Bilbo had been with them, had even alerted him of his nephew's degrading condition, because he didn't think he would have noticed otherwise. It felt awful admitting it, but the dwarf would never lie, especially not to himself, he'd learnt not to. From that point on, Thorin swore to himself that he'd try and look out for his family as much as this quest would allow him to, he didn't want to risk losing any of them again.
And then there was the problem that was his sister's husband. Thorin had always gotten on relatively well with him, and he'd never seen him do any wrong towards his family, but if what Fili had let out was true, he'd need to have a word with him at their next encounter. Thorin didn't stand for mistreatment, especially not when it involved one's kin. Taking into consideration Fili's plea to not lose his temper with his brother-in-law, or his own sister for that matter, was not going to be easy, but he could begin to understand a little. They would talk this through, and hopefully, they'd manage to reach some better conclusion.
Bilbo, who had taken his leave from the other dwarves after finishing his plate, had been wandering about the corridors of Lord Elrond's palace, debating whether he should go see Fili personally or not. While the rest of the company had stayed at the feast, the blonde had asked to be excused shortly after Thorin had left them. Immediately, Kili had wanted to go along with his brother but Fili had sought for some time alone, not out of spite, just because he'd felt like he needed it, especially after the step he'd taken. The hobbit finally reached their room however, and gave a short knock before hesitantly stepping in. Sure enough, he found Fili on the bed he'd taken, leaning against the headboard as he was sharpening one of the many knives he possessed (how he kept them all on him, the hobbit still couldn't understand.)
"Tired of the feast already, Master Baggins?" Bilbo looked up, almost surprised at the light-hearted tone. He'd expected Fili to be angry at him for revealing everything to Thorin, he'd expected at best to be ignored.
"No, actually, I'm kind off stuffed. Never eaten so much in my entire life, I must say. I thought I'd turn in early… And maybe keep you company." Bilbo made his way to the bed facing Fili, leaving the one next to the blonde for Kili, who would no doubt want to sleep next to his brother.
There was a quiet pause then, but not uncomfortable. Bilbo just contented himself in taking in the sight of his friend. Even if Fili wasn't angry with him, the hobbit still felt a part of responsibility in what he'd done to himself. While they'd been on the road, he hadn't really paid attention to the fact that the blonde had more often than not offered him an extra bowl of soup or an additional pack of food. He'd thought all of the dwarves had had one, and that Fili was only giving him an extra because nobody else would. Bilbo had never stopped to imagine that Thorin's nephew was actually handing him his own meals. Looking at the lad now, Bilbo could see that, although Fili had only had good intentions when looking out for him, it had cost him dearly…
Of course, back then, he'd been thrilled that Fili had stayed behind to talk with him, feeling so out of place among this brotherhood of dwarves, he'd reveled in the fact that he'd found someone to be with and that he was building up something. He'd enjoyed the little stories the blonde would tell about him, his brother and "Uncle Thorin", it had felt good, knowing someone was there for you should you need them. It only pained Bilbo more as he'd never seen how much wanting to make sure Bilbo was okay had damaged Fili.
Although it was too late to change what had been done, Bilbo promised himself he might be the one to look out for Thorin's nephew from now on, that he'd help him whenever he could, it was only fair after what he'd done for him. Bilbo might not be able to prevent any physical harm come to him, but if he could help his friend deal with the mental part of the problem, he'd be lucky. Fili was so thin the hobbit actually doubted he'd even be able to fend for himself should he need to. Oh! He wasn't doubting his skill, he was only aware that with the little strength the blonde now had, he wouldn't have much endurance if ever they were brought to fight.
After fiddling with his fingers, in a silence in which none dared speak, Bilbo finally found the courage to look up. "I-I'm sorry for telling Thorin, really, I am. I know you would probably rather be alone, but I just…" The hobbit cared for his friends, and Fili who had been so nice to him since they'd left the Shire especially, and hoped he hadn't broken their friendship by expressing his concerns. He hadn't meant any harm, really…
"It's quite alright, Bilbo." Fili reassured him softly, the dwarf didn't think he could bring himself be vexed with the hobbit for letting his Uncle in on his problem anyway. Actually if it hadn't been for Bilbo, Fili knew he probably would have carried on like this until he'd have collapsed, a scary thought indeed. "It actually feels good, you know, being able to talk to someone. I-I'd been wanting to tell Uncle, I really did fell the need to tell him everything, but I guess I just couldn't bring myself to. I know it sounds extremely silly, not being able to talk and all, but really, thank you." The hobbit couldn't even begin to imagine all that he'd done for Fili by simply warning Thorin, he'd broken a barrier the blonde had built years ago, a barrier he'd wanted to break down, but had never managed to do alone. With the burglar spurring Thorin into action, he'd done a lot more than he could ever think.
"So… You're not angry with me?" Bilbo hesitantly asked, looking up. The hobbit had always been labeled as a little odd by his neighbors, who were quick to pass judgment even though he never did anything to them, the worst being Lobelia Sackville. However, here he was, Fili could be strangling him or yelling obscenities for all he knew, yet he wasn't, he was actually forgiving him.
"Of course not!" Did Bilbo honestly think Fili would hold a grudge against him for being concerned? "Actually… I'd rather need to thank you, you know, for letting Uncle know, and for being so nice to me. It doesn't come off as much, Bilbo, but being able to speak up… Well it's really such a relief. You managed to get Uncle to talk to me, and I know you might think it wasn't the right thing to do… But I needed it, I really needed it.
I guess I just wished I had someone... I mean, I know I'll always have Kili, but as an older brother, I can't tell him everything… Sometimes I keep things to myself, and-and when it's just too much, it's-it's just so hard. It's like you want to talk so badly, but you can't bring yourself to, you open your mouth and you hope to hear the words come out one after another but you stay silent. I was able to talk with Uncle though, after you sent him, and I can't thank you enough for what it means."
Bilbo was taken aback. Well, even if it had only seemed natural to him to do so, he was glad he'd done the right thing then, and even more happy that Fili didn't seem to hold it against him. The hobbit felt somewhat relieved that he hadn't broken what they'd worked up together so far, striking up this companionship. It was all the hobbit had had until now, it was what had kept him among the company in his nights of doubt, hoping that somewhere he was needed, no wanted, here. And while Thorin may have taken a little longer to bring around, Bilbo was happy to say he could count the others among his friends, even Fili, after what he'd unconsciously made him do.
"S-So, it's not because of me that, you know, you're sick?' Bilbo hated his choice of words, sick not being exactly the right term, but he'd never been very good with his tongue. He was concerned, and if Fili hadn't lost his appetite because of him, then the hobbit was indeed wondering what had pushed the dwarf to do such a thing to himself.
Fili gave a soft sigh, this was hard to explain. There never had actually been anyone to blame but himself and a series of unfortunate circumstances.
"It's difficult to put into words, really. Things were never easy back at home, you know with Father and Uncle always reminding me I should learn this or act like that, even if Uncle was always nice... I guess, I just felt like I wasn't in charge of anything anymore… Like others lived my life for me. I know it sounds really silly, but I don't really know how to put it otherwise…
I suppose I just wanted to know I still had control over something, and, well you kind of know what the rest of the story is. Looking back on it, it was really an awful mistake on my part, the last few months have been awful, really… Lonely, even if Kili was there. So going along with Uncle, I thought I might be able to pull out, feel like I could actually do something.
Then we met you. And although I wasn't too sure what to make of you when Kili and I entered your small home, I've got to admit… I'm glad you joined us Bilbo, even Uncle is." The blonde added with a wink.
"So do-Do you think we could, you know, be real friends, then?" Bilbo hesitantly asked, making his way to the other as he extended a trembling hand, half expecting to have it pushed away. While he knew that both he and Thorin's nephew had managed to create a bond slightly stronger than what he'd made with any of the other dwarves, Bilbo wasn't too sure how sturdy it was now. He wanted it to still be there, he wanted to keep on going, and maybe make other friends out of the rest of the company, but if Fili didn't want them to be companions any more… Well that was his choice, which he was entirely entitled to make. It might hurt Bilbo to hear the words of rejection, but after what the hobbit had caused, it would only be fair to let Fili choose if they were to remain on good terms or not.
"Of course!" Fili almost cried instantly, as he desperately latched onto the hobbit's hand with his own, shaking it like there was no tomorrow "Of course, Bilbo! Why on earth would you think otherwise?" he laughed, and the hobbit saw what must have been one of Fili's first real smiles in ages as he allowed himself to just go along with the light-heartedness he could feel around him, it was as if a hug weight had vanished from the air, and Bilbo was definitely liking it.
It felt so comforting to know he could count on friends, knowing Bilbo would be there if ever he needed to just talk. It felt relieving to Fili, knowing he had these fourteen people he could always turn to if ever he needed to. He might have paid a steep price for it, but in an odd way, it had been worth it, if he could now trust Bilbo completely, as friends did.