Rating: K

Pairing: none.

Genre: Humor

Time Period: Modern AU

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.

Warnings: Puns, many horrible puns, swearing, food wasting, conversations involving human excrement.

A/N: I should apologize. But this was so much fun to write. Also, you get a gold star if you can figure out the other punner in the story, aside from Luffy.

On the first day of Christmas

my true love sent to me:

12 Drummers Drumming

There they stood, congregated in an abandoned tire lot. Brook had managed to rope his friends, Luffy's brothers, and Jimbei into an impromptu drumline. The twelve people were each armed with some semblance of percussion instruments, ranging from a real snare drum and drumsticks (Brook), to wooden chopsticks and a gallon container for soy sauce (Sanji), to chicken drumsticks and a popcorn tin (Luffy) ("That's so unsanitary." "What? I'll eat them later, I promise.").

"Brook…" Nami starts. "NOW can you tell me why you dragged us out here?"

"Actually, Luffy-san was the one who suggested it."

Brook pointedly ignores the ensuing groans, his drumstick hovering like a baton. "Now, if everyone is ready, please raise up your drumsticks and, a-one-two-three-four!"

As predicted, it is pure chaos. There is no rhythm or discernable pattern to the deafening crashes and thumps. Luffy seems to be shouting something, but can't be heard. Even Nami, whose head flops with mortification, eventually starts hitting her old plastic suitcase with metal tongs out of pure frustration.

If they had gone on half a minute more, the police might have caught them. Instead, they flee the scene after Ace accidentally kicks his "empty" gas canister into a pile of tires, setting half the lot on fire.

11 Pipers Piping

"That's a HUGE cake."

"GET your hands off the table before I chop them off," Sanji seethes, bending over the tower of sponge cake with a pipetting bag.

Luffy readily holds his hands up in a "don't-shoot-me" pose. "Is that the only piper you have?"

"…Piper?" Sanji shrugs at the odd term. "No, I have an extra one in the drawer, which you are not touch-"

"It'd be nice if you had ten more."

"Why would I need that many-"

"And then you should have ten more people pipetting the cake at the same time."

"That is a car wreck waiting to-"

"Cuz then you'd have ELEVEN. PIPERS. PIPING."

Sanji is milliseconds away from getting it. But then Nami calls from the living room for a refill, and he's gone.

10 Lords a Leaping

Luffy and Robin are window-shopping when they pass by the Lordes and Ladies Fancy Chocolates store.

"Chocolates…" Luffy literally drools against the window.

Robin ponders how long it will take for them to be chased away this time. "The company is famous for their unique chocolate flavors. They unveil ten new ones each year."

Luffy looks up, a trail of drool still attached to the window. "Even during leap years?"

Ever ready with handkerchiefs, she dabs at Luffy's mouth. "I assume so."

"So…it's Ten Lordes a Leap Year."

Robin has never been one to shy away from new paths of inquiry. But at this moment, she senses a very real threat to the health of her sanity, should she ask further.

"It seems the candy store ahead of us is offering free samples."

"FREE FOOOOOOD!"

Disaster averted, she serenely walks after her charge.

9 Ladies Dancing

"9. LADIES. DANCING."

Luffy thrusts the Jazzercise video in front of Franky.

Franky raises up his red-and-green sunglasses. "You getting this for my Christmas gift, bro? Cuz I could probably dance circles around these old ladies, if you also gave me a neon headband and leotards."

Luffy sinks against the DVD display in despair, drawing circles against the Kung-fu Dugong workout DVD. "Yeah," he admits, "You probably could."

8 Maids a Milking

Chopper and Luffy are walking through the toy store when Luffy stops by the book section. He flips through a jungle-themed maze book. Suddenly he stops on page 8 and thrusts it in front of Chopper.

Chopper fumbles at the sudden object trying to eat his face. "GAH! What is it Luffy?!"

Look!" Luffy points eagerly at the monkeys. "8. Maze of Monkeys!"

Chopper stares at Luffy.

Luffy grins back, biting his lip.

"So…this is what you wanted for Christmas?"

"Argh!" Luffy throws the book at the shelf, which bounces onto the ground, and stalks off.

Chopper hastily follows, but not before dusting off the book and placing it carefully back on the shelf. "Guess not."

7 Swans a Swimming

Sanji watches as Luffy takes seven cans of Swanson chicken broth and dumps them in his sink. He's preparing to intervene the moment Luffy cracks open a can and starts dumping it down the drain. Instead, Luffy attaches the sink plug and starts filling the sink with water.

"Why are you messing with my sink?"

"Why do you have seven cans of chicken broth?"

"I actually have three more, plus five of beef broth ANSWER MY QUESTION DAMMIT!"

Luffy turns around slowly, and waves toward the sink, where the cans are now bobbing violently.

"Seven Swanson's swimming."

Sanji still doesn't get it. He throws Luffy out of the kitchen anyway.

6 Geese a Laying

Usopp enters Luffy's living room to find him watching a Spanish telenovela, of all things. He's sitting on the couch with a bag of Lay's cheddar potato chips.

Usopp grins. "What, you got sick of Christmas cartoons or something?"

Luffy carefully counts out six chips and crams them into his mouth. He turns to Usopp and holds up the chip bag. "Six Queeso Lay'ing," he mumbles, spitting crumbs at each word.

"Umm, first of all, it's queso, not queeso. Second, that sentence was incorrect on every level. Third, since when do you speak Spanish?"

Luffy huffs and sinks into the sofa even further. "Yeah, well, puedo ir al bano."

"I'm sure you can." Usopp hops onto the sofa and helps himself to some chips, just in time for Viola to tell Senor Pink that the baby wasn't his.

5 Golden Rings

"So Sanji bought five different rings," Luffy repeats.

"Basically, yeah." Nami shuffles through the clamshell cases. "Two platinum, two silver, and one gold. But they all have the same golden inscription."

"So five gold-in rings?!" Luffy exclaims excitedly.

"Nami," Vivi ponders, "Why would you buy five of the same kind of ring?"

Nami shrugs. "They were on sale. And Sanji doesn't mind, right, Sanji-kun~"

Sanji kneels over the ground in crocodile tears. "Oh course Nami-san…My wallet doesn't hurt at alllll~"

"I see... No wait, Luffy-san, why are you crying too?"

4 Calling Birds

Luffy's about to step out of his apartment when he catches sight of Helmeppo walking his new border collie, and promptly rushes back in with a resounding slam.

Helmeppo alternates between banging at the closed door, yelling for "Monkey D. Luffy to get his ass down here and apologize", and blowing on his delicate knuckles.

Finally, Luffy slams the door into Helmeppo's face, throwing him onto the sidewalk.

"Oops, sorry." Luffy takes a paper bag and upends some small black objects onto the dog, with Helmeppo backing away and screaming about spiders.

"They're not spiders!" Luffy sounds rightfully outraged. "They're burs. Four collie burs."

Helmeppo spends the rest of the evening drawing new dogwalking routes.

3 French Hens

"So these hens are from France?" Luffy cranes his head over Sanji's shoulder.

"Yeah." Sanji pushes the intrusive head away, with his knife dangerously close to Luffy's eyebrow. "I bought them from that stuck-up organic place, so they better be worth it."

"And you bought three of them."

"Yeah. GMO-free, barley-raised, free-ranging hens."

"So they're three. French. Hens."

"Bresse."

"Breast?"

"Bresse. From the town of Bourg-en-Bresse."

"They're still French."

"Bresse."

Luffy crashes foreheads with Sanji, staring determinedly. "FRENCH."

Sanji pushes back with equal ire. "BRESSE."

Usopp walks into Sanji's apartment to the sound of:

"I don't care what kind of boobs your chickens have! They're still French!"

And promptly walks back out.

2 Turtle Doves

Law reminds himself, once again, to stop accepting Luffy's invitation to his holiday parties. Oh wel;, at least Chopper the medical student makes for tolerable conversation.

"Shadowing GI's are a pain in the ass. Some days you'll be stuck with nothing but colonoscopies, and you'll leave at night with your hands smelling like shit…"

"WHAT?! That's gross!" Luffy barges into the conversation. "Why would you want to get shit all over your hands?"

Law grimaces with all the drama of a passing kidney stone. "Because you don't, retard. Of course you'll have gloves on, but the smell sticks to you anyway."

"Ooh…" Luffy nods knowingly. "So you have two turdy gloves."

Law hesitates. "I guess? So anyway, it all depends on which doctor you choose to shadow…:

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

"Luffy." Zoro crosses his arms, his coat still on.

"What?" Luffy's tampering with some kind of light-brown, ripped-up mess of what was probably supposed to be a snowflake.

"Why the hell are you in my apartment?"

"Decorating." He places the mangled snowflake among several of its other defective relatives, draped over a pair of miniature evergreen trees that have been strangled together with Christmas lights. "Your place is so gloomy."

"And how did you-" Zoro doesn't bother finishing the question. Probably got in through the window again.

"Anyway, just look at it, Zoro!"

And Zoro does look. "Why are the snowflakes brown?"

"Cuz they're made of parchment paper."

"That fancy-ass stuff for baking? I'm pretty sure you've never baked in your life."

"I don't. I stole it from Sanji."

"Heh."

Luffy clears his throat. "It's parchment in a paired tree."

Zoro looks at the bizarre decoration again. Really looks. Then turns to Luffy with horrified realization.

Luffy grins triumphantly.

Zoro groans. "You're awful."

"Shishishishi!"