Three Months Prior
April had arrived and traces of Spring were in the gradually warming air. The younger students were easily excitable, since term was rapidly coming to an end, and the older students were as close to zombies as a person could get, due to exams arriving soon.
Personally, Hermione was more on par with the first through fourth years. She could not wait for the school year to come to a close. Perhaps a summer away from Severus would be exactly what she needed to finally get over this silly crush she had developed.
Since that evening in McGonagall's office, the Headmistress hadn't attempted to bring up the subject of Severus with Hermione again, which Hermione was entirely grateful for. It had been one of the more embarrassing moments in her life.
She was curious as to what McGonagall spoke with Severus about on that same evening, however. Dozens of different scenarios ran through her mind, but she always returned to the same conclusion; McGonagall probably attempted to interfere regarding Hermione with Severus, just as she had with her. One late Friday afternoon, she was nearly one hundred percent positive that had been the case.
The Staff Lounge replaced the Library as the place Hermione went to seek refuge and solitude. She sat in her favorite seat near the window and began to plan out her exams for her younger students. Even though they would not be held until the end of term, she wanted to get a head start on them, just in case there was anything she would need to tweak later on.
As she sat with a cup of coffee next to her, and a quill between her teeth - a habit she had not grown out of - she heard someone enter the room, but did not look up to see who it was. A moment later her blood ran cold when she heard the scrape of the chair across from her and his baritone voice.
"May I?" Severus asked, gesturing towards the empty seat.
It was the first time that he had spoken to her in weeks. She could feel her heart hammering, nearly begging to crash out of her chest. Yet she kept her expression smooth and impassive. Not even bothering to look up, she nodded.
When he sat down across from her, he pointed towards the parchment Hermione worked on.
"Do you mind?"
Hermione was puzzled as to why he wanted to read over her exams, but since he was not scowling or belittling her, she thought she'd take advantage of this brief respite. It was like the old days to her, when they had began a sort of friendship. Before everything went horribly wrong.
"Erm...sure?" Hermione said and handed over the exam for the first years she had just finished.
As he read over her work, Hermione looked down pretending to continue what she had been working on, but glimpsed up at Severus from underneath her eyelashes. She watched his brow furrow then smoothen out, his head lightly shake, and then a small frown formed on his lips.
Hermione was confused. She thought that she had done quite a good job creating her exams, but apparently from Severus' expression, and deep sigh, he had not agreed with her.
When she saw him begin to put the parchment down, Hermione quickly directed her gaze back towards the work in front of her.
"You're going far too easy on them, Hermione," he scolded.
He was being a snarky arse, but a small, small part of her didn't care. She found herself somewhat fixated on the fact that he had called herHermione. It had been weeks. But it didn't take her long to snap out of it.
"What do you mean, Severus? They're first years. What did you expect me to have on the exam? How to fight off the Imperius Curse? Or did you wish for me to have them produce a Patronus Charm?" There was acid saturating each syllable she threw at him. Just because she was happy he had decided to call her by her given name again, that did not mean she would let him degrade her. She would nip that immediately.
Severus' eyes flashed. "Don't be smart. What I'm speaking about is this." He pointed at question number 5. "Please give the name of the Dark Wizard commonly referred to as, 'You-Know-Who'?"
Hermione took a deep breath. "Severus, the reasoning behind that particular question is to teach the students to never fear a name. If I can get them to casually say or write 'Voldemort' instead of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, or The Dark Lord, then maybe they'll learn that fearing a name is silly and irrational. And that it gives said person even more power over you."
Severus' eyes widened a fraction. He placed his finger across his lower lip and appeared deep in thought. Hermione remained silent as she waited for whatever condescending remark he would possibly say.
Finally he spoke. "That is - I did not think of it in that way." He looked impressed and somewhat proud of her. "I recall Albus saying that, 'fear of a name -"
"only increases fear of that thing itself,' I know, Severus. That is where I got the idea from," she said impatiently.
The corner of Severus' mouth lifted, "Know-it-all," he said. Only this time, he did not say it with the normal venom she had been accustomed to. If anything, it sounded almost as if he was teasing her.
Hermione's head spun. She could not understand what was happening. He had barely spoken to her for months, and the times in which he had were not necessarily pleasant. Perhaps she was dreaming again? She pinched her arm and winced when she did, then decidedly knew she was not dreaming. So then what was going on?
A shy smile formed on her lips as her cheeks heated for the first time in what felt like forever. "So I've been told," she whispered.
She noticed that Severus looked somewhat uncomfortable, almost nervous. It truly shocked her, as she had never imagined that anything would make Severus Snape nervous. He sat folding and unfolding his hands while his eyes darted around the room, almost like he was trying to look at anything that wasn't her. Not wanting to push her luck, Hermione raised a questioning eyebrow, then returned her attention back to the second years' exam she had been working on.
For quite some time the only sounds in the room were the light scratching of Hermione's quill on her parchment, or the occasional cough from either Hermione or Severus. Then out of nowhere, Severus broke the silence.
"Hermione?" he asked, looking more contrite than she had ever seen him look before.
"Yes, Severus?"
He pulled at the cuff of his sleeve and kept his gaze locked firmly on the table. Hermione's heart rate accelerated.
"I - erm." He cleared his throat. "It's difficult for me to do this. As I am not usually the type to apologize, but when it's warranted, I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. However infrequently that may be."
Hermione couldn't help but to let out a small chuckle. Her insides were twisting. What was he about to say to her?
"I haven't been fair to you," he continued. "I have done the only thing I know how to do when I become close with someone, and that is to shut them out completely, or to alienate them so entirely that they would choose not be around me any longer." A dark shadow crossed his eyes, almost like he was recalling something from his past.
She tilted her head to the side and watched him intently. She could tell that it was taking a lot for him to actually admit this to her. Actually, she wondered if he had ever admitted this to anyone before her. She said nothing and let him go on.
"I am willing to try being your friend, Hermione. Your friend." He stressed. The word sounded wrong and dirty in Hermione's ears. "But nothing else. I - you don't - I'm not the man for you." He truly seemed to be struggling to get everything out. She couldn't imagine the strength that it had taken him to be so vulnerable in front of her. In front of anyone for that matter. It only caused her feelings to grow stronger.
She leaned onto the table, her eyes wide and pleading. "But Severus, why? Why couldn't we -"
His eyes darkened, and she cursed herself and her big mouth.
"We just can't," he said in a voice filled of finality. "If you are looking for more...then even this friendship will not work."
Hermione felt like all the happiness, joy, or hope she had ever felt in her life had drained from her body. Could she only be his friend? She wasn't sure.
She nodded while trying to fight back tears. "Ok," she agreed in a voice like sandpaper.
Before she could muster up a counter argument, which she was trying to do, and was most likely plainly written on her face, Severus stood up.
"I am sorry, Hermione. But it is all I can offer you."
She wanted to stop him. She wanted to grab him by the collar and make him see how ridiculously he was behaving. He was unreasonable and irrational. Of course he could offer her more than friendship. He could offer any woman more than friendship if only he'd let himself. Why was he so determined to be alone? Hadn't he realized who he was and what he had done for the Wizarding World? He was a hero, who unfortunately still saw himself as the villain. What could she do to make him realize he couldn't continue to beat himself up over mistakes he made as a teenager, when he had more than atoned for them as a man? It was maddening!
As Hermione opened her mouth to respond, he shook his head then swiftly made his way through the lounge and out the door, before she could utter one word. She turned around just in time to see a bit of his robes swish through the door before it closed behind him. That was when she let the tears finally fall. She would worry about siphoning them off of her exam sheet another time.