Chapter 110

Bella

We were asked to stay for a few days now I had finally made the giant step of visiting and a guest room was made ready for me, or at least I had thought it was a guest room until I looked around and saw the books and pictures of horses on the window sill not to mention the country music CD's. I turned to Jasper who had shown me to my room,

"This is your room isn't it?"

He nodded,

"Esme automatically dresses rooms for all of us, whether we're around at the time or not, its her way of telling us we are all welcome whenever and to stay as long as we like."

I felt strangely embarrassed, was he expecting to stay? To sleep with me? I wasn't sure that was what I wanted yet, not that I didn't want him, of course I did, but just I wasn't sure I was ready to take that step yet, I was still so self conscious, especially of the scars from my beatings and the thought of being naked with him again, wanting him yet scared to take the plunge. I was frightened things might have changed, that he wouldn't find me desirable or would be disgusted by my new bony body and the marks.

I knew he felt my embarrassment because he stepped over to me and threw his arms around me,

"Bella this is your room for as long as you want it. I won't push myself on you. I don't sleep so the bed is all yours."

That made me wonder,

"When we used to sleep together before...before all this happened, what did you do once I fell asleep? Creep out? Read a book? If you don't sleep I mean."

"As if I could read and I certainly wasn't going to sneak out. I lay with you and watched you sleep, you are so beautiful."

I blushed at the thought of him watching me snore or drool, being engaged to a vampire had its pitfalls!

"I'll leave you to get ready for bed but I'll only be downstairs so you can sleep."

I nodded although I didn't really want him to leave, I just couldn't make myself say the words and he kissed me gently on the lips and left, shutting the door quietly behind him. I showered and got into the long sleeved top of his I had taken to wearing and some sweat bottoms when I wished I had the courage to wear the silky sleepwear he'd bought me before all this. I sat on the edge of the bed uneasy with him so far away although I knew I was perfectly safe in this house despite it being full of vampires.

A few minutes later I heard a tap on my door and hoping it was him I ran to the door throwing it open to find Rose standing there.

"Sorry, your face tells me it wasn't me you were hoping to see. Jazz just wanted me to check on you. I told him you'd rather see him but you know guys, they always think they know what's best."

I nodded stepping aside so she could come in and shut the door again before collapsing on the bed beside her.

"Rose I don't know what to do and its driving me crazy."

"Well what do you want?"

"What I had before, the easy familiarity, for Jasper to treat me the way he used to."

"And why don't you think he does?"

I shrugged but she wasn't going to accept that, she continued to stare at me questioningly.

"OK, OK, it's my fault. All my fault."

"Bella it isn't anyone's fault...well maybe the sicko who snatched you but that's beside the point, he's dead now. You are fragile Bella and he's afraid to do anything that might scare you. Has it ever occurred to you that you aren't the only one who is scared?"

"He's scared?"

"Of course, he didn't know you were gone and it took him a long while to find you. He's terrified that you'll realize and blame him for what happened to you. Those scars you hide because you are ashamed of them, he looks on that as a sign of his failure. Believe me Bella Jazz is the last person to be disgusted by a few scars."

I wasn't sure what she meant by that, Jazz didn't have any scars, I'd seen him naked and I would have noticed, his skin was flawless.

"What do I do Rose? I can't lose him, I love him so much. I'm just so scared."

"But not of Jasper, that's what you have to get across, that you trust him, that you know he loves you and you love him. That you want to get back to where you were, just slowly. Its all down to you Bella but you'll never lose him, Jazz loves you with every fiber of his being, just remember that."

She leaned across and kissed me on the cheek before standing up,

"The rest is up to you little sis."

I nodded and as she went to close the door I stopped her,

"Rose, could you ask him to give me a few minutes then come up. Tell him I need to talk to him, but please don't tell the others."

Rose made a face at that,

"Bella, you are in a house full of vampires, there's no such thing as secrecy but you should remember no one would be crass enough to say anything whatever they hear. Well maybe Peter but you're in luck he's far enough away tonight so I'd go to it if I were you."

I bit my lip thoughtfully and she stopped me,

"Don't bleed Bella, that might be more problematical."

then she winked at me and left.

I went back into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror groaning, I looked a wreck! Grabbing my brush I tried to get the snarls out of my hair then ran through to the bedroom and tipped my bag out on the bed. In the bottom I'd slipped the silk pyjamas Jazz had bought me and taking a deep breath I struggled out of my present attire and slipped them on. They felt good against my skin which gave me a little confidence but then I jumped in bed to hide the scars left by the chains around my ankles and tried unsuccessfully to pull the sleeves down to cover the scratches that had become infected and scarred. I was just changing my mind about this when there was a soft tap on the door and I heard Jasper's sweet voice,

"Bella, Rose told me you wanted to talk to me. May I come in?"

I swallowed, took a deep breath and answered him knowing it was time.

"Please."

He came in slowly, shut the door, and stood looking at me with such longing I couldn't refuse him. I opened my arms and he came to me hesitantly then wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

"Are you OK? You look tense."

"I will be Jazz now you're here. I had an interesting talk with my big sister and she made me see some things I'd been too blind to see before."

"Oh? Did Rose upset you?"

I smiled at him encouragingly,

"No, on the contrary. Will you stay with me tonight, I don't want to be alone."

"Of course. I'll pull the chair up and we can talk until you fall asleep or I could read to you."

I stopped him, grabbing his arm,

"That's not exactly what I meant Jazz. I mean will you stay with me, here, in bed. I want to sleep in your arms like I used to. I want to feel you close and maybe we can get back to the place we were before, I just need a little more time."

"Anything Bella. That's what I want more than anything."

He looked as I pulled the covers back then sat beside me but I shook my head,

"That's not the way I used to sleep in your arms."

I could see he wasn't sure about this so I helped him unbutton his shirt and then turned my attention and trembling fingers to his belt.

"Are you sure Bella? I don't want to bring back any awful memories."

I looked up,

"I wasn't raped Jazz, the only man ever to sleep with me is you. Please."

He finished stripping off and I looked closely at his body as he joined me.

"Looking for an extra head or three sixes tattooed somewhere?"

I blushed and shook my head,

"No, it's just something Rose said but it doesn't matter."

I snuggled up against his cold hard body and closed my eyes as he breathed in my scent just as he had always done and suddenly I knew I was going to be OK.