Chapter 112

Bella

I was feeling so much better, almost my old self after a few nights sleeping in Jasper's arms. I felt safe and loved and I knew I was going to be OK. I was almost euphoric feeling light hearted and even happy so I should have known it wouldn't last, I had no right to go back to my old life, not after all that had happened and way Phil and Renee lost their lives.

I was aware it wasn't my fault but knowing something intellectually did not mean your heart felt the same way and however often I told myself I wasn't responsible whenever I saw Charlie I still felt a pang of guilt, that I had survived and she hadn't. I knew only too well that whatever he might say, my dad had never stopped loving Renee even after all these years.

When he was away I felt relieved which was a wicked thing to feel and i hid it as best i could although Jasper knew, I couldn't hide anything from him, I didn't want to anymore he was still my anchor in a terrifying world. We ended up staying with the family, they all thought it was good for me and I had to agree, at least until today and again it was all my fault. We had been swimming in the pool Esme had built in the grounds of the house. It was heated for the children and me, vampires not feeling the cold, and we had fun, even little Skye was a real water baby. When I got out I grabbed a beach towel and without thinking pushed open the door of the changing hut that we all used but which had two separate areas so the children and I could have some privacy. I have no idea why but I pushed open the wrong door and came face to face with Emmett.

I wasn't afraid of him I loved him as a brother and he was hardly in a state of undress because he'd only just arrived and wanted to play with Kat and Skye who were still in the water. As I opened the door I saw this figure pulling his belt off and I saw him, Mendoza doing just the same as he had done many times in that cellar in order to beat us. I dropped the towel and screamed so loudly everyone came rushing in, Jasper at their head to find me on the floor curled in a ball and begging him not to hit me. I was petrified, I could smell the cellar and hear his voice as he shouted at me, the lashes that hit my back and legs as he brought the belt down again and again.

Jasper

I had left Bella playing happily in the pool with the kids while I spoke to Darius, there was some unfinished business with Mendoza's brother still to be attended to but I was again going to leave it to Darius and Peter who never missed out on a chance for some good old fashioned murder when the person deserved it.

Bella's scream had me running to the pool ahead of everyone, all shocked and wondering what had happened. We found her curled up in a ball on the floor begging not to be hit any more while a shocked Emmett just stood there his belt undone holding it in the act of pulling it off. Immediately I saw what must have happened and gathering her up in my arms I carried her back to the house and upstairs to our room talking reassuringly to her all the way. She had been doing so well but we both knew this wasn't over yet, It would take time for her to forget or at least come to terms with everything that had happened and poor Emmett's action had been a trigger.

Once in our room she began to calm clinging onto me as if afraid she might be swept away into her nightmare. Slowy her screams became sobs until finally she was quiet in my arms but I continued to stroke her hair and reassure her that she was safe. It was a long time before she looked up at me her cheeks stained with tears and her eyes red and swollen. She swallowed convulsively,

"I'm sorry. I made a complete fool of myself didn't I? I have no idea what happened but suddenly I was back in the cellar with him and he was going to beat me."

"Its OK Bella, everyone understands, you had a flashback that's all."

"But why? I've been doing so well, I thought I was getting better and now this happens."

"It was a silly thing really, Emmett was getting undressed to go swimming and you walked in as he was pulling his belt through the loops, it triggered a terrible memory but its OK now."

I kissed her on her salty lips and she managed a wan smile.

"Do you think I'll ever be right again Jazz? I want to be so much and I try so hard."

"Maybe you try too hard Bella. You can't hide what happened away and expect it to stay there, these things do happen and you'll find it easier with time. Until then you always have me."

Bella

I was so ashamed and so weary but being in Jasper's arms made me feel so much better and I really believed his words, that he understood and would always be here for me. Having been told what happened I understood, only too often Alonzo had whipped his belt from his pants and beat us with it, I had suddenly thought I was back with him.

"I have to apologize to Emmett, it wasn't his fault."

"You get cleaned up and when you're ready we'll go see him together though I think he'll still feel guilty. Just take your time Bella."

"I want to go back to the apartment, what if it happens again? It must have scared Kat and Skye."

"Esme told them you'd see a big hairy spider and made them giggle, they're fine. If you want to go back to the apartment we can but I really think confronting your fears is the best thing. You can't hide away in that apartment for ever darlin'."

He was right of course, it would just be running away and much as that was exactly what I wanted to do right now I knew it would be the worst thing I could do.

"OK, we'll stay but please stay with me Jazz, I would never have stopped screaming if not for you, I need you."

"I need you too darlin' and I promise you we will get through this together."

I washed my face then decided to shower instead and get the chemical smell out of my hair. Standing under the warm jets of water I thought about Jazz, how thoughtful and protective he was to me and how his love shone in everything he did for me. I loved him so much and I needed to get back to where we were.

Thinking this I looked down on the engagement ring he had bought me and smiled. I remembered that day. the happiest of my life, how content I felt yet excited. Thank God I had met him before all this happened. Sleeping in his arms was wonderful, I felt calm and safe, but what I really wanted was for him to make love to me but I knew that was down to me. I had to pluck up courage to initiate the foreplay and I was scared but scared of what? Then it hit me, I was scared he would reject me, my skinny scarred body and that was wrong of me, I was underestimating his love for me and knowing that made me feel ashamed and determined to make that first move soon.