It was over.
It was over, and Jonas Hanson was scattered in subspace, his atoms unable to materialize against the iris she'd built.
It was over, and the man she'd been so in love with for so long was dead.
She'd told Teal'c she'd thrown up because of her head injury, knocked against the shield emitter after Jonas had hit her. But even the Jaffa wasn't a complete idiot, and he'd been sticking close as Daniel and Colonel O'Neill worked with the natives to right the Gate.
She couldn't take their sympathy. She didn't deserve it. She'd failed them more times in the last day than she could count on both hands. She'd watched as two members of the SGC nearly became martyrs to her own bad judgment, and it was crushing. But that wasn't why she'd thrown up.
He'd used her. He'd played her, the way he always had, and when that failed and he couldn't win his game anymore, he'd tried to take her with him. The man she'd loved had tried to kill her. But that wasn't why she'd thrown up, either.
No, it was because – after the shock, the horror – what she felt was relief.
She reconnected the DHD and ran her scans, trying to keep the answers she gave her colleagues short and to the point. She didn't want conversation. She couldn't manage it. She wasn't human enough for it.
A voice in her head said the feeling was normal. That the threat had been eliminated, and what or who that threat was didn't matter. That this was her training. That this was being an Air Force officer.
And another voice said that being an Air Force officer meant eliminating the threat, not letting others clean up her garbage, and that she had no right to call herself that when she was such an abysmal, miserable failure.
She swallowed hard and turned back to the man who'd saved her. Who'd nearly been killed in the attempt. "I think we're ready."
"Think we should tell 'em to bury the Gate after we're gone?" Colonel O'Neill asked.
"Teal'c seems to think the Goa'ulds won't be back," she managed.
Daniel stepped up beside her. "Maybe we should come back and check on these guys."
The last thing she intended to do was set foot back on that planet. "I think we've done enough, don't you?"
And he left, leaving her alone beside her CO. Uncomfortable with the silence, she opened her mouth to at least try to apologize and found that no sound would come out.
"Something else on your mind?" he prompted.
And it all spilled out. "I had the chance to end this, Colonel," she confessed. "He literally asked me to do it."
"Killing a man is no badge of honor, Captain."
"I know." She hadn't wanted to. She never wanted to. But she hadn't joined the Air Force to fail so spectacularly at it, either. Some things had to be done.
"Look, I'm no expert on this thing," he said, flipping through the Bible Jonas had waved like a shield, "but I generally remember one commandment. I think it's the first."
She nodded. "I am the Lord your God, and you shall take no other gods before me."
He pondered that for a second. "Okay, it's not the first one. I'm talking about the 'no killing' one. No matter what the reason, every time you break it, you take one step closer to Hanson."
That sounded like... forgiveness. Like the choice she'd made had been of strength, not weakness. Tears pricked at her eyes as she managed, "Thanks."
It was embarrassing almost crying in front of her CO, but his eyes were gentle as he waited for her to pull it together. And then he held out the Bible, pressing her moral code firmly into her hands before he walked away.