The day of the full moon dawned with pale sunshine and a rare blue sky. Lavender was up with the sun, pacing her house as she felt the pull already starting. She wasn't a full werewolf, of course, but the moon still did things to her that scared her. She always made sure her small refrigerator was stocked high with raw steaks and that her door was chained shut. Just because she didn't turn didn't mean she wanted company.
Seamus had tried, the first few full moons, to stay with her through the day and night. It had ended with her clawing him across the face with her fingernails, though she hadn't realized it at the time. When she woke to his face scratched like hers was she had been horrified in herself and had banned him from being around her after that. She didn't want to hurt anyone ever again, especially not him.
Lavender tried to entertain herself by reading a book, but she could only put up with sitting still for so long. She resumed her pacing as noon came and went, the moments going by achingly slowly. She debated going out before almost immediately shutting down that idea. If she could claw Seamus, the person she cared most about in the world, when he was being nice to her, who knew what she would do to the first person who made a comment about her scars? And her hearing was sharp too, sharper than it had ever been before. She knew she wouldn't be two minutes outside before someone said the wrong thing and she jumped on them.
Noon faded to evening at a snail's pace. She got no visitors, not that she really expected them. Seamus had been home the night before but they hadn't spoken, and as was his new routine he'd left before she woke. Despite her anger with him, after he'd left she turned over and buried her nose in his pillow, drinking in the comforting smell of him. He smelled like home.
He should have known better than to try and sneak out of the flat on the day of the full moon, though, she thought with more than a touch of bitterness. Nothing could hide from a werewolf's nose, even a part werewolf nose like hers. Skulking out of the flat like he'd done something wrong (even when he had) wasn't going to fix anything, and she tried to do away with the bitterness before it consumed her. That was the last thing she needed tonight.
The moment the moon rose, all her senses were on high alert. She could hear her neighbors readying for dinner, smell the food they were preparing, hear the sound of a cat's footfalls out in the back alley, and her skin felt like it was alive. Even the brush of her shirtsleeve against her forearm was enough to make her twitch, and she quickly stripped off the shirt. Next full moon she knew she couldn't be indoors. Maybe she'd find some lonely field somewhere, some far-flung forest, and run under the trees. She had enough energy she felt like she could run for days.
Her blood felt hot as the moon crept up from the horizon, and the restlessness intensified. Lavender paced and paced and paced, her hair wild and her eyes darting. Maybe the feelings of loneliness were making the usual symptoms of the moon worse for her, but she desperately wanted to be around other people. Not humans, because humans would never understand. But other people like her, who had been bitten but weren't turned, who were maybe having just as strong of reactions as she was.
She had tried blocking out the moonlight with curtains and sticking charms before, but it didn't help. So instead she left her curtains open and when the moonlight finally poured in through the window she bathed in it like it was an elixir of life. She knew it was the thing that had her restless and hyped up, but for the first few moments of letting the moonlight touch her skin, it calmed her. Her blood still ran hot under her flesh and the noises of the night sang in her ears with an intensity that was intoxicating, but the moonlight helped.
The night dragged on. Lavender ate her steaks nearly raw and then curled up in a blanket under the pool of moonlight streaming in through her window, falling in to a fretful sleep and trying not to desperately wish Seamus would be there the next morning to wake her up. Wishes were things that she didn't get to have, not any more. All she could hope for was for him to be there, against all odds.
He wasn't, when she woke. She felt drained and achy and standing up from her blanket on the floor was a process that took longer than it should have. All her bones hurt even though she knew she hadn't changed forms. When she took a quick look at herself in the mirror she almost laughed at how terrible she looked. Her eyes were big in her face, set deep against shadows from the lack of sleep. Her hair was ragged and tattered from pulling at it, and her skin was pale from exhaustion.
Despite all that, she had to be at work at noon, so she dragged herself through the routine of getting ready for work. She wasn't hungry but she forced down a bagel and cream cheese, knowing she would regret it later if she didn't. It felt like she had been run over by a bus, but it was a feeling Lavender was becoming uncomfortably used to with each passing full moon.
The rest of the day dragged on and all she wanted to do was go home to sleep. She made meaningless conversation with the customers until Brenda sent her home with a pitying look when the shop closed. Lavender hated the pity more than anything, but as usual, she didn't say anything to Brenda except good night.
As much as she wanted nothing else to do with people that day, she decided to pick up dinner from the Leaky Cauldron rather than attempt to cook something. Hopefully Hannah would be working and Lavender could hide in a corner until it was ready. She was still in the mood for red meat so she ordered steak and potatoes, light on the potatoes. Hannah gave her a sympathetic look at that comment, though it was tempered with a light laugh. She brought Lavender a cup of cider while she waited, and Lavender wrapped her hands around the warm cup gratefully.
She traced the counters to the wards on her door with a sigh and then walked in. Immediately she stopped – the light was on already in her house, and the sound of someone in her kitchen was surprising. This close to the full moon she could tell it was Seamus after only half a breath, and rather than reassuring her, it through her into a world of confusion. Rather than just stand in the door like an idiot, she walked into her house quietly, going all the way through to the kitchen. She wasn't going to skulk around like a kicked dog, not in her own house. She had nothing to be ashamed of.
Lavender walked straight to the kitchen and set down her bag of carry-out on the counter. She heard rather than saw Seamus pause in his cooking, and heard rather than saw the rustle of his clothing when he turned to her. "You look... hi." He cut himself off before he could finish his first though, and it made her mouth twist in sourness.
"It was the full moon last night, of course I look awful," she said, not trying as hard as she perhaps should have been to keep the anger out of her voice. Part of it was anger at her situation, of course, but a lot of it was anger at him as well.
"Shit, Lav, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" She still refused to look at him but she could tell he had passed a hand over his face, perhaps in regret or remorse.
"I'm fine," she bit out. She walked over to a cupboard and pulled out a plate, dumping her steak and potatoes onto it. She couldn't contain a watery laugh when a big slab of steak, nearly a pound of meat, and three tiny potatoes rolled out onto the plate. Hannah was wonderful.
"I was going to make you dinner," Seamus said, voice slightly hurt.
"Well, I didn't know if you were going to decide to come home tonight or not," she replied, fishing a fork and knife out of the cutlery drawer. She ended up eating more off the knife than the fork. It fit her mood – grey and sharp and dangerous.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked. The hurt was gone, replaced by a quiet rumble of anger. Maybe she was trying to start something that she shouldn't. Maybe she didn't care.
"I know you didn't come home the other night. Where were you sleeping?"
She heard an irritable sigh from him. "I'm not cheating on you, Lavender."
"I know," she said.
"How do you know that? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm lying to you!" He burst out. She didn't know what he was getting so upset about – he was the one missing and abandoning her, after all. "Hell, Lavender, I'm just busy at work. Don't worry."
"I could smell it if you were with someone else. I know you're not lying." She paused for a moment, trying to contain her roiling emotions. "I just don't know why you're staying away."
"I'm trying to catch someone who's after you!" Seamus responded. His voice was not calm like hers was, but rising in volume. "I'm trying to make this country safer for you!"
"I don't want to be safer!" She shouted back, control snapping. She whirled around to face him, staring him straight in the eyes with her own yellowish ones. She saw him try to contain a flinch and knew that this close to the full moon, she still looked like a wild thing, like some wild animal in a human body. She hated it. "I know what it's like to be afraid, I lived with that all last year! There was someone after us then too, but we didn't back down, and we didn't leave each other to go haring off on our own to fight him! We're stronger together Seamus, so why are you leaving me?" She took a shaking breath, feeling a burning in her eyes she knew heralded tears. "Why are you leaving me?"
"I'm not leaving you," he replied, sounding so bizarrely confused that she couldn't help but steal a glance at him. He was staring at her, the worry and fear and hurt so present in his eyes that it broke her heart just a little.
"You haven't been around." Her voice was thick with stifled tears. "You haven't been around, and you didn't come home the other night, and you weren't there when I woke up this morning, and we haven't spoken in days. Maybe you're trying to protect me, but really you're just hurting me." Lavender took a deep, bracing breath when she stopped talking. He seemed so convinced that he wasn't leaving her but she didn't dare hope he meant that.
He sighed quietly, then she heard gentle footsteps walking over to her. She inhaled sharply when he took her by the shoulders, even though his hands were gentle. It felt like weeks since anyone had touched her, and that gesture alone went farther towards reassuring her than anything he could have said. He did love her, scars and full moon antics and worries included. She just had to remember that.
"I never want to hurt you," he said lowly, Irish brogue making her melt just a little. "Let's just go to bed. I won't leave without saying goodbye tomorrow."
"Okay," she whispered in return. Not talking about their problems didn't seem to be the way to fix them, but for the time she was just grateful he was there, and talking to her at all, and saying he wasn't going to hurt her. It wasn't enough for the morning and the light of day when she knew all her fears would return, but it was enough for the night.
He tucked an arm around her when they got into bed. She was exhausted enough to fall asleep almost instantly, her body battered from the effects of the full moon, but the last thing she heard when she drifted off was the sound of his quiet breaths, even and slow, and decidedly not asleep.
When she woke, it was as he kissed her forehead and left before the dawn properly broke. The quiet click of the door was a final sound and it brought on all the tears she had contained the last few nights.