Poor Donnie! This made me cry so hard while I was writing it. Donnie's POV

Ch. 2-I will lift you up

My brothers have always called me pacifist. Technically, a pacifist is someone who believes that war and violence are unjustifiable, so that label doesn't really apply to me all that well. But my brothers never were ones for technicalities.

In case you're wondering, there is a point to this deliberation on my stance concerning violence. And the point is this: I am not a lover of violence. But about half an hour ago Slash barged in with a dying Raphael in his arms. And there was nothing I could do, nothing any of us could do to save him. I slammed my fist into Raph's punching bag with all my strength. I may not be a lover of violence…but I desperately want to kill something right now.

Or more accurately…someone. I want to kill each and every one of them, each and every one of those responsible. I want to turn the knife in their gut and watch them bleed. I want to hear them scream out in pain. I want them to hurt the way I'm hurting. The way Raphael was hurting. I want to put them through the same pain we're in.

But that wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough. It would take a million of them to equal Raphael. Not enough. Even if I obliterated the entire Foot Clan it wouldn't be enough.

My heart clenched in pain and I collapsed, falling to my knees. Raphael…

Sure, I complained about his volume and his temper tantrums…but I loved Raphael. There was something between us, something deep and unspoken, a bond that never wore out and never faded. He had always been there for me. Always.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as memories began to flood my mind.

I'd been much smaller than my brothers when we were younger. Even smaller than Michelangelo. It wasn't until my growth spurt that I began to surpass all of my brothers height-wise. Of course, my very small stature meant that I couldn't do a lot of the things my brothers could…Like help myself to cookies from the top shelf of the kitchen cabinet.

I have no idea how old we were. I just know that this is one of the earliest memories I have of my brothers and myself. So I was probably around five, possibly even younger. Even so, I can see it as clearly as though it were yesterday.

Flashback

I stood in the kitchen door and watched as Michelangelo pulled himself up onto the high kitchen counter. My younger brother then opened the cabinet door and proceeded to climb the shelves until he reached the top one. With a happy and mischievous giggle he grabbed a cookie and stuffed it in his mouth, then grabbed another and began to make his way down. My eyes lit up, thinking that the other cookie was for me, but as soon as Mikey got down, and had apparently finished the first cookie, the second was shoved into his mouth soon after. Since I had been standing slightly around the corner, my younger brother must not have seen me, because he gave no indication of knowing he was being watched. My shoulders drooped and I stared forlornly up at the top of the impossibly tall cabinet. There were tears in my eyes for a brief moment before they narrowed with determination. I was going to get a cookie. It didn't matter if I was small.

Back then, the lair didn't any chairs that we could stand on, so if I wanted to get up to the counter I'd have to do it myself. I jumped, and missed. In my own defense, the counters in the lair kitchen have always been taller than average, but back to the memory. I jumped again, with the same results, until finally, on the fourteenth try, I jumped and was able to grab onto the counter's edge. I began to pull myself up when suddenly the counter became too slippery and I lost my grip. I fell backwards and hit the floor with a quiet thud. And that was where my determination ran out.

Tears sprung up in the corners of my eyes and I glared up at the top shelf. One tear managed to escape and run down my face.

That was when he came.

Raphael took one look at me and one look up at the shelf. He frowned. Huh. Even when he was little his frown looked the same. I can still remember the way those neon green eyes of his softened as he wiped the tear from my cheek with his hand. "What happened, Donnie?"

"I was trying to get a cookie." I admitted to him softly. "I kept trying and trying and trying, but I'm just too little! And then I almost got up on the counter, but I fell!" The tears came back into my eyes and I looked down, ashamed that I couldn't even get up onto the counter.

The next thing I knew I was being lifted off the ground and placed on strong shoulders in our version of a piggy-back ride. Raph stood and moved over to the counter. "How's that?"

My face lit up with joy, as I was able to hoist myself easily up a few inches onto the counter surface from my brother's shoulders. I opened the cabinet just as Mikey had done and easily climbed up the shelves to reach the cookies. Holding two of the deliciously sweet snacks in one hand I carefully climbed down and Raph helped me back down from the counter. I pulled my immediate older brother into a tight hug of gratitude, which he reciprocated. "I love you, Raphie!" I crowed sweetly.

"Yeah, yeah, okay Don." He said, gently pushing away from the hug. He turned to leave, but I tapped him on the shoulder and held the other cookie out to him. Raph looked at it for a few seconds before smiling. "Why don't you have it? I'm not hungry."

End Flashback

Tears prickled at the corners of my eyes. Raphael…you were such a good brother. A great brother…The best.

I…I can't…he can't be gone. He just can't be…

I didn't even get to say goodbye!

He was angry when he left. And to make it even worse we were throwing insults at him! He was throwing insults back, but still…

I turned to stare at the lab door. His body was in there. Laying on my table. We'd have to make arrangements for a burial at some point. But right now…he was in the lab.

Slowly I rose to my feet and began to take a few halting steps towards the door. I can feel my brothers' gazes on me, but I don't care. I opened the door and made my way over to his side. I heard the door close behind me and I dropped listlessly into the chair by my older brother's side. I gripped his hand in mine tightly, attempting all the while to ignore how cold and lifeless it felt.

"R-r-Raphie?" I said, my voice hoarse and weak. "I-I love you so much. I-I-I'm so s-s-sorry I couldn't d-do anything to save you. You were the b-b-best big b-brother ever." Then I couldn't help it. I broke down. "Please! Please don't be dead! Please, please, please, please…" I cried desperately. "RAPHIE!" I wailed, no longer holding back my tears.

My brothers burst into the room and pulled me away. I threw myself against Leonardo and he pulled me into a tight hug, whispering soft, meaningless words of comfort in my ear. Mikey came over and hugged me from the other side, sandwiching me between them. I looked up at Leonardo and belatedly realized that he, too, was crying profusely, as was Michelangelo if the light sobbing behind me was any indication. I have no idea how much time passed as we just stood there crying together. Hugs had always comforted me in the past, but this hug was brining nothing but pain. Pain and remorse. The only thing I could think about was how I'd give anything just to share one last hug with my hotheaded older brother.

It wasn't until I was halfway through it that I realized I was relaying every word of the cookie incident all those years ago to my brothers. When I finished they were both staring at me sadly, with tears in their eyes and running down their cheeks.

Leo whispered something so quiet that both Michelangelo and I had to strain our ears to hear it. "…my fault."

My eyes narrowed. "How is it your fault, Leo? You couldn't have known—"

"It doesn't matter whether or not I knew what was going to happen!" Leo bit back angrily. "I should have kept him here! I should have made him stay at home!"

I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "Yeah, make Raph stay in the lair? Like shell he would allow you to do that! Raph would have gone anyway!"

"Then I shouldn't have fought with him. I shouldn't have made him angry. Maybe he would have stayed if I hadn't—"

"Shut up Leo!"

Leo and I both turned shocked faces toward our little brother. Mikey sounded so aggressive. So…Raph.

"If Raph were here he wouldn't want you blaming yourself. In fact, he'd probably smack you for it! And you, Donnie! The last thing Raph would want would be for us to sit around sulking! If Raph were here—"

"But he isn't Mikey! Raph isn't here!" I yelled at him furiously. "Raph's gone!"

Mikey's eyes narrowed dangerously. And when he spoke his young voice was eerily smooth and quiet. "He isn't gone. He's right here." Mikey held his hand over his plastron where his heart was. There was a moment of silence as Mikey allowed that thought to sink in before he went on. "He's only truly dead when we stop remembering him."

Leo and I both pressed our hands to our plastrons as Mikey's words rang true. I glanced over at my brother's cold, lifeless body. I won't forget you Raphael. I promise.

After a long period of silence, Leo spoke. "So what would Raph want us to do now?"

Mikey opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "Beat down those responsible."

The air grew heavy as all three of our expressions darkened. I went on. "If one of us were in Raph's place, I know that he would not rest until justice was done. Shredder killed our brother. And he will pay dearly." My eyes were white as I walked over to where Raphael lay. I rested my hand over his softly and one, final tear ran down my cheek. "I will see justice done Raphael. I swear it."

Meanwhile up above, another plot unfolds…

Slash had never taken the time to walk slowly through the city. But tonight…he found himself doing so. The giant mutant turtle felt rain on his face, only adding to the salty tears on his cheeks. He was still in shock. He couldn't believe that Raphael was…Slash looked down onto the street below and his fists clenched. Look at them down there, he thought angrily, look at how they go on with their lives, without even a care. Without even the slightest notion. How dare they! How dare they live happy lives, without a care in the world, while the greatest turtle I ever knew is dead! It isn't fair!

It isn't...fair. Tears and rain wet his mask. When he finally arrived back at his team's lair he found them all there waiting for him. They looked up expectantly as he entered. Slash couldn't bring himself to look them in the eye. The mutant turtle closed his eyes and more tears dripped down his cheeks.

Rockwell and Leatherhead stared at him in shock, even Pigeon Pete seemed to feel the gravity of the moment as silence spread over them.

"Raphael is d—" the word caught in Slash's throat. He couldn't. He just couldn't. He looked down and away from his friends' faces as he tried to push his way past them.

Rockwell moved aside, as did Pigeon Pete, but Leatherhead refused to budge. "Slash—" The alligator reached out and put a hand on Slash's shoulder. "You must not blame yourself, my friend."

Mutagen green eyes flashed as he glared at Leatherhead. "You weren't there! You didn't see what happened! He needed help! I didn't get there in time!"

Leatherhead maintained his strong grip on Slash's shoulder. "Then there was nothing you could have done."

Rockwell grabbed Pigeon Pete's wing and the bird mutant let out a loud squawk. Rockwell murmured. "We're just going to give you two a moment to talk through this. We'll be in the next room if you need us."

Once they were gone Slash jerked away and turned his back to his mutant alligator friend.

When the alligator spoke, his voice was soft and gravely. "I know that you and Raphael were close. But I have never really known how close, and now I am beginning to suspect you were closer than even I had first assumed."

Slash slowly turned to face Leatherhead. "I already told you that before I was mutated I was his pet turtle."

Leatherhead nodded.

"He found me in the sewers when he was only seven years old. He took care of me, protected me, and he loved me. He told me everything. I was his best friend, his confidant, I know everything there is to know about him. I know things, even his brothers never knew. I loved him too. He was my best friend, my brother. I hated to see him hurting. That was why I was so determined to get rid of his brothers. He'd told me so many things, so many ways that they'd hurt him and belittled him. I wouldn't stand for that. What I didn't realize was that in the long run, none of that stuff mattered to him. He loved his brothers and nothing they said or did was going to stop him from caring about them. And…even after I did all those horrible things to his brothers…he saved my life. That action changed my entire perspective of the world. And I realized that the quality I admired most about Raphael was his ability to forgive."

"The way you speak of him…I can tell that you cared very deeply."

"He was my first and best friend…and I was honored to call him brother." Slash stated quietly. Then his eyes narrowed his fists clenched and he growled. "I will kill Shredder for this!"

Leatherhead growled. "Going to war with the Foot would be foolish. We are too greatly outnumbered."

With a low snarl, Slash knew there was only one way to make Leatherhead understand this from his point of view. "How would you feel if it were Michelangelo that had been murdered by the Shredder before he could even turn eighteen?"

The mutant alligator's eyes went completely white at the thought and he had to take a couple of deep breaths to calm down again. "I understand."

Slash nodded and stood, but a hand on his shoulder caught him and held him back.

"But do not think that I will let you go alone, my friend. We will all go together. We will avenge Raphael's death. I promise you that."

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