It was almost over. Eric sat on the edge his chair, waiting for what seemed like an eternity. As soon as that big hand was on the three he was going to bolt straight out that door. Only ten more seconds.
"And blah blah blah blah, blah blah-bliddy blah blah blah blah." RIIIING. "Thank you class. You may be excused… except for you, Mr. Cartman." Eric froze midway through his sprint out of the classroom.
"Ugh. What is it?" he grumbled as he reluctantly made his way to head of the classroom. Eric's literature teacher was a 50-something Italian woman with three adopted Korean children. South Park had a depressing shortage of quality educational instructors.
"Eric, I want to suggest you get a tutor."
"Ok, you suggested it. Can I leave?"
His teacher glared. "This is not a time for sass, young man. You are failing my class."
"Fair point, but how could a tutor even help me? Are they going to read these terrible, boring books for me and write my useless papers? Maybe they could magically make me care about trying in a subject that will only lead to a fulfilling career working at Starbucks, or worse, as a high school English teacher."
His teacher sighed. Even her frizzy bob seemed to deflate a little. "Eric, I want to help you, but you actively resist every attempt I make. Your rude comments and insults will not undermine the severity of your situation. You need to get your act together because if you fail my class then you will not graduate on time."
Eric glanced over at the clock. Three minutes into his weekend and this woman was still jabbering.
"I understand, Mrs. Cantalupi. Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Yes, Eric. You may leave." Eric quickly hurried out of the classroom, using a small amount of his vampire speed to make up for lost time. It didn't take long to find Stan, Kyle and Kenny. They were standing under the flagpole as usual.
Kenny waved when he saw him. "Sup Cartman!" Eric would never admit it, but Kenny was the only person in South Park he actually gave a shit about. Of course Eric was still a huge dick to Kenny every chance he got, but that was because he had a reputation to uphold.
"Heeeey guuuuys," Eric crooned, in the annoying voice he knew pissed them off.
"Dude, we were going to go play basketball in the park. You want to come with?" asked Stan.
"Oh wow! That sounds so... weak! Fuck you guys, I'm going to go home and watch TV," Eric said cheerily, flipping the whole group off.
Stan glared, "Fuck you, Cartman. I don't know why I even bother to invite you."
"Funny, neither do I!"
Just then, the faggy Jew kid decided to open his trap. "I really don't understand how you keep off all that weight when you never leave your house or do anything."
"Sorry I'm so naturally attractive, Kahl. I know you've noticed." Eric raised his eyebrows suggestively and Kyle looked away in disgust.
"Just come chill with us, Cartman. It'll be fun." said Kenny. God, he loved Kenny.
"Sorry Keenny, but I am not wasting my weekend playing gayball with you gaylords."
"Forget it, Kenny," Kyle said. "Just let Cartman go be a piece of shit alone in his house. H."
"Oh Kahl. It's painful to me how much you suck. And don't think I didn't totally evaluate the double meaning in you sucking." Eric stepped towards the red-haired boy and pretended to gasp in pain. "Oh, Kahl, don't suck so hard! Please! I know you want my thick slippery load, but you have to be more gentle." The performance had Kenny doubled-over laughing. Even Stan was failing to hold back a smile.
Kyle face turned bright red. "Shut up, Cartman! No one fucking likes you!" Eric relished in his agitated expression.
"Sorry did I hit a sore spot? Well, I should probably give you a break from having your ass pounded so I'm gonna head out."
Stan shrugged. "I don't know, dude. For someone who's so sure they're gonna win, you sure are acting like a little pussy."
"I hope you brought lube, Stan, because you seem really eager to get fucked. Getting tired of Wendy holding out on you?"
"Fuck you!" Stan shouted, launching himself at Eric. Kyle held him back him by the shoulders and Stan threw an angry punch at the air. Eric Knew he had a crossed a line, but he just grinned. It was fun seeing these guys get so riled up. Maybe a little beat down would do them some good.
"You two are cute. You've sold me. Let's fucking do this. First team to score five points, and when I win you two will have to finally admit you have vaginas, and then I'm going home to watch TV."
"You're on!" Stan yelled. He had a fiery look in his eye. What a fucking jock. Man did he love playing with balls.
They agreed on a half-court game, Eric and Kenny versus Kyle and Stan. The outdoor basketball court was icy and the clear, winter sky was already getting dark. Token and Craig were sitting on a picnic table nearby smoking a splif. Good, Eric would have witnesses to his victory. Stan and Kyle would never live this down, and they'd never fucking ask him to play basketball ever again.
First play. Kyle bounced the ball off of Kenny and immediately passed it to Stan who shot it through the hoop without hesitation. Shit. Eric needed to focus. He was going to have to use some of his vampire abilities, but not so much that he looked suspicious. Just enough to win.
Second play. Kenny bounced the ball off of Stan and threw it to Eric. Kyle made a futile attempt to block him from slam dunking the ball. Eric knew it was showy, but he could resist. He heard Craig ooing and aahing at his skill. Take that, fuckers.
Third play. Stan bounced the ball off of Eric, and tried to throw it to Kyle, but Eric knocked it out of the air. Before Stan could react, Eric bounced it on the line and threw the ball through the hoop from where he was standing. Kenny ran over and high-fived him while Stan cursed and Kyle's face turned an angry shade of red. Eric had to physically restrain himself from gloating, but he wanted to let it sink in a little more.
Fourth play. Stan bounced the ball off of Kenny, and tossed it to Kyle. The stupid Jew shot it from the 3-point line. Eric effortlessly intercepted it and tossed it to Kenny. He caught it, bounced it, and shot straight through the hoop.
"Not bad, Keenny!" Eric shouted. He wanted to give Kenny had a chance to shine as well, even though he knew he could've taken on all three of them at the same time if he felt like it.
"Fuck, dude! How the hell are you guys so good at this? You're not even on the team!" Stan exclaimed.
Well Stan, I have vampire powers that make me super awesome at everything. Which was the truth, but instead Eric said, "I have to give you some credit, Stan. You always make sports look so hard. Turns out you're just not as good as you thought."
"Fuck you, Cartman," said Stan. Eric noted his expression had darkened quite a bit. His jock pride was on the line, which would only make tearing it apart that much sweeter.
Fifth play. Kyle bounced the ball off Kenny, and threw it to Stan who dribbled it to the hoop only to be met head on by Eric's insane agility. He stole the ball away from Stan and dribbled past Kyle to the halfway line. He knew he could make the shot from there, but even that was a little suspicious. Not worth the risk.
'Don't think; react,' Eric told himself, because he could see Kyle was closing in on him fast. Eric swiveled past Kyle and dribbled towards the hoop. Kenny kept Stan off his path, which gave him a clear shot for the hoop. Four to one. If Eric could just score one more time, then he was done with this gay fucking game.
Sixth play. It was Kyle's turn to bounce off of Eric. He looked like he could strangle a kitten. Eric got a lot of satisfaction from his furious expression. He couldn't help but bask in it. Just a little.
"What's the matter, Kyle? Want me to take it easier on your boyfriend so he'll still be able to get it up tonight?"
Eric swore he heard Kyle's remaining restraint snap in half. Kyle hurled the ball towards Eric with full force. Eric caught it with ease. "Oh Stan!" he moaned as he pretended to fuck the ball, before casually throwing it back to Kyle. Without warning, Kyle threw the ball off to the side and rammed his fist into Eric's gut.
Eric fell to his knees in surprise. It didn't hurt, but it took him a moment to start breathing normally again.
"What the fuck was that, Kyle?" Eric heard Kenny yell from behind him. "That's totally a foul!"
"He deserved it!" shouted Kyle. "Cartman is acting like a total asshole!"
Eric slowly stood up. This game was no longer interesting to him. Time to end it quickly.
Eric reached out and grabbed Kyle by the front of his jacket. "Don't be such a sore loser, Kyle. I never wanted to play this faggy game to begin with, but like the generous person I am, I happily volunteered time out of my precious weekend to show you what a worthless piece of shit you are."
Kyle's mouth was puckered in an insolent frown. "Get your hands off me, fatass."
"Or what? You're gonna go crying to your kike whore mom?"
Kyle spit in in Eric's face. That was it. There was only one way to get through his thick Jew-fro.
"Whoa! Whoa!" Kyle stammered as Eric lifted him completely off the ground. "Shit! Put me down!" Craig and Token's mouths fell open. He heard Kenny and Stan shouting in surprise. Maybe this display of brute strength would be enough for Kyle to come off his high horse.
"Haven't you learned by now, Kahl? You can't win in a pissing contest against Eric Cartman." Eric pulled Kyle close to him so he was whispering into his ear. "So why don't you start showing your superiors a little respect." With that, Eric dropped him onto the concrete, smiling as Kyle's head hit the ground with a sickening thunk. Stan, of course, immediately rushed to his side. Gay.
Eric started to walk away, but suddenly his senses were flooded by a scent that made his legs give out. Through his clouded brain function, Eric slowly realized Kyle was bleeding. Eric was no stranger to the scent of human blood. He had plenty of practice restraining himself when his mom's hand slipped in kitchen or someone got a papercut in class. As delicious as the scent was it had never caused him to lose his self-control. But this was different. It was so overwhelming he wanted to vomit.
"Are you okay, Cartman?" Kenny asked hesitantly as Eric staggered back to his feet. Eric was not ok. He was trembling and drenched with sweat, but he managed to throw a weak thumbs-up over his shoulder.
"Fine. Just tripped." Every ounce of Eric's body wanted nothing more than to suck out all of Kyle's blood until he was a pale shriveled corpse. But that wasn't an option so he had no choice but to get as far away as possible. "Forgot… my mom needs my help," he stammered, and began running home.
At the last moment Eric changed directions and headed towards Butters' house. Butters' dad was the one who answered the door.
"Why hello there, sport!" he said cheerily. Eric almost sucked out all of Mr. Stotch's blood just for calling him "sport", but instead he forced a smile.
"Hi. Is Butters home?"
"Yes he is, but he's grounded for staying up past his bedtime last week. Those are some cool fake teeth you got there!" Eric quickly closed his mouth.
"Thanks. I'm really excited for Halloween."
"That's not for another nine months!"
"Yeah. Anyway. I need to see Butters. It's kind of an emergency."
"Kind of an emergency?"
Eric screamed internally. His vision was still foggy, and he really was going to lose it and suck out all of Mr. Stotch's blood if he had to talk to him for one more second. "It is an emergency."
"Well, ok. If it's an emergency. He's upstairs in his room."
"Thank you!" Eric shouted as he ran up the stairs. Eric threw open the door to Butters' room to find him lying on his bed staring at the ceiling.
"Eric, w-what are you doing here?"
"Butters… what the hell are you doing?"
"Not much. I'm grounded, see, for staying up past my bedtime."
"What? No nevermind." Eric was close to losing his mind. He slammed the door and straddled Butters on the bed. He grabbed a fistful of Butters' hair and yanked his head to the side, almost crying from relief as he sunk his fangs into the side of Butters' neck.
"Son of a biscuit, that stings! Are you okay Eric?" Eric groaned in response. Once the desperation had subsided, he released Butters and rolled onto the floor. The room was spinning.
"Fuuuuck... No! I'm not okay! I have no idea what just happened. But I was this close. This close to killing a human."
"Oh shit. Who did you almost kill?"
Eric hesitated before answering. "...Kyle." He sat up and looked Butters in the eye. "I mean I've been around tons of people bleeding. Like at school, or in the gym. Hell, you know how hard it is to be around a girl on her period. But I can handle that. Kyle was different. I totally lost control. Why is he special? Is it because he's a Jew?"
Butters thought about it for a moment. "I've experienced something similar to you. The person had the same blood type as me." Eric's eyes widened. He and Kyle were the only two people in all of South Park with the same blood type. What a motherfucking coincidence.
"How did you handle it? The intensity."
"You might want to keep an emergency stash on you for situations like this."
Eric groaned. "I hate feeling like Kyle has power over me."
"Well, you could always make some sort of arrangement with Kyle that would allow you to suck his blood whenever you wanted."
"Haha, I wish."
"No you can actually do that if you want."
"WHAT? Why have you never told me about this?" Eric shouted.
"It never came up." Butters shrugged. "But it's fairly common for vampires and humans to have blood contracts with each other."
Eric smiled evilly. If this worked out he would have 24 hour access to Kyle's blood, and as a bonus Kyle would be completely terrified of him.
"Ok, I like this plan. What's the specifics?"
"Actually, I don't know. I'll have to ask my…um, contact." Butters winked at Eric, and Eric tried really hard not punch him in the nuts. He still had to suck up to this blonde-haired asshole. Literally.
"Please do! That would be so awesome of you, Butters!"
"Happy to help, Eric."
Eric left Butters' house pondering over his next move. Perhaps he should focus his efforts on making Kyle trust him so he could easily manipulate him when the time finally came. One way or another, he was going to make Kyle his blood bitch.