A/N: As usual, a huge thank you to Jezebel Jai-Braxlin for beta reading this chapter.
April 3rd, 2008
There was a strange tension in the air that wasn't common for Black pack meetings. I couldn't remember the last time everyone had been so serious. Seth and Robbie, who sat on either side of me on the couch, were stiff as statues.
They weren't the focus of this meeting though. Al was. I'd gotten the call from Jake as soon as he was out of school that day. Al had approached him in the hallway and wanted a pack meeting as soon as possible. I'd run home quicker than normal to be here. The guys had all come together immediately after school.
As soon as I joined them, I knew that everyone was aware of what was going on, but they were going to let Al say it for himself.
It felt surreal that this was happening, although I didn't think it was my place to feel that way.
My heart was racing. All I could think about was whether this would open up a floodgate. This was a chain reaction waiting to happen.
I'd been sitting down for five minutes before Al took a deep breath. Our eyes all snapped to him, knowing he had finally gained the courage to speak.
"Right," he began. "So, I need to tell you guys something. Something kind of big. I guess. It could be considered big. It doesn't have to be big. But I do need to tell you about it. So it's kind of big."
Quil cut off the boy's rambling. "Just say it, Al."
Al's head jerked in a nervous sort of nod.
"I'm bisexual."
While part of me was curious about the others' reactions to this, I kept my eyes on Al, watching his emotions play out on his face. I could tell he was struggling to appear neutral, or perhaps to not break in front of us.
Everyone was silent. I couldn't place a bet on who would speak first. Seth and Robbie had both gone stiffer on either side of me. A feat I hadn't known was possible. I could sense Seth vibrating, and I knew that if he didn't manage to get himself under control, he was going to phase. Even as I thought it, the shaking was calming down, even if he was just as stiff as before.
It was Jake who broke the silence.
"Well, now that's out of the way, how's school going for everyone?"
It was the most obvious change of subject I'd ever seen someone try to pull off. If I'd been holding anything, I would have chucked it at Jake's head. Al looked much more at ease as soon as the focus was shifted off of him though, so maybe Jake had achieved what he'd been trying to do. Either way, I thought he could have gone about it in a less cringe-worthy way.
No one actually brought up Al's sexuality for the rest of the night, I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. Would direct words of encouragement be better than the wordless acceptance? I'd struggled through both Seth and Robbie coming out to me, and I didn't relish the thought of being the pack member that each LGBT wolf wound up going to. I wasn't even sure how I had come to somewhat occupy that position.
Al was the only one who hadn't come out to me before the others actually, and I remained the only wolf who knew Seth and Robbie weren't straight. Sure, the other wolves suspected. I knew they did. But now Al was out to all of us, and Seth and Robbie remained in the closet.
Of course, it was still just between our pack. It was an unspoken fact that no one would hear about this outside of us. It had to be nice for Al. He was no longer trying to hide something so integral to himself from those of us who sometimes saw into his mind.
If jealousy alone was what caused Seth to look angry all night, I would have understood. But I felt like there was more to it than that. Something about his angry glares at Al didn't hint at jealousy. Robbie wasn't looking at Al that way. Robbie had gotten shier than normal and was clinging to Moses, who had become a shield from the rest of us.
By the time Seth and I left to go back home that night, my brother was in a worse mood than I'd seen him in since last year.
"So," I began, feeling like I should help break the silence but having no idea what to say. "You're not alone, I guess."
Seth looked surprised and a little angry when he looked at me. His voice got quieter when he spoke even though we could both tell that no one was close enough to hear.
"Al is bi, not gay. That's not the same thing."
Well, no. It wasn't. But it still felt like it should have been something. He still had to come out, and I'm sure it was hard on him like being gay was hard on Seth. I wasn't sure why Seth was being so dismissive of that, but I didn't push him further.
Seth pouted the entire way back home, even making occasional growling noises as if he couldn't contain himself. Just once, I heard a faint whisper of, "That wasn't how it was supposed to happen," but I ignored it, knowing it hadn't been meant for my ears.
I could only speculate about what was going on with Seth and Al. Sooner or later, I figured I'd find out like everything else. That was the way things worked if I was patient enough. I didn't want to become some attempted superhero who swept into my little brother's life and tried to fix things. Seth would figure it out on his own. Hopefully.
April 7th, 2008
It took four days for something to happen. A record.
I was always up before Seth on school days because I had to leave so much earlier to get to school, so I was surprised to see Seth at the kitchen table when I walked in.
Mom and Charlie were both already gone. Seth's eyes were wide when I entered the room.
"What?" I asked, stepping around the table to go for the coffee. "Your supernatural senses had to have alerted you that I was awake."
Seth didn't answer my question. He didn't say anything at all until I'd turned back around, full coffee mug in hand.
With a sigh, he said, "I've called for a pack meeting after school today. Jake's telling the others. So, if you could run home right after your classes, that'd be great."
There was a false sense of positivity with the statement. I watched him closely, not able to stop myself from muttering a, "Shit," as I realized what this was about.
"You're going to do it then?"
Seth offered me a jerky nod. He kept running his fingers over the wood of the table, creating designs that only he could see.
"I'm going to do it."
Sitting down across from him, I tried my best to get him to make eye contact. He wouldn't.
"That's great. It'll be a lot easier afterwards. Everyone took it fine with Al, not like it'll be any different for you."
The look Seth gave me was almost scary.
"It is different though. Al is bi. I'm gay. That's not the same thing."
"Well, no," I replied in confusion. "But it's still coming out. You're worried about their reaction to you liking guys, right? Al was worried about our reaction to him liking guys, not girls. So…"
Seth continued giving me a strange look for several seconds before he sighed and shook his head in exasperation.
"You're not going to get it."
I was tempted to ask why exactly I wouldn't get it, but I didn't get the impression that Seth wanted to explain. As far as I could tell, coming out as gay shouldn't have been all that different to coming out as bi. Considering Seth was the gay one doing the coming out though, I'd have to accept his word and let it go. What did I know?
I finished my breakfast and got up to put my dishes in the sink. If I wanted to get to class on time, I needed to leave right away. I turned to look at Seth before I left, even going as far as placing a hand on his shoulder. He stiffened at the contact before relaxing, but he still looked down at the table instead of at me.
"I want things to be easy for you, Seth. Coming out should help with that in the long run, so I'm happy you're doing it. But I'm sorry that doing it is so hard."
He offered me one quick jerk of his head that was supposed to be a nod, but he still didn't look at me. With a sigh, I let go of his shoulder and left him alone in the house.
School that day was long. Joselyn caught on that something was strange, but I couldn't explain my behavior. It wasn't my place. Even if she didn't know Seth as anything other than a name I sometimes mentioned, I couldn't say anything. It was strange how bad I felt about that, like I was concealing information when I wanted to be open.
There was no telling what she thought was wrong with me, but she got the hint that I wouldn't talk about it.
I was the last of the pack to show up again, and I found everyone in the same positions they'd been in the week before. The only major difference was the look on Al's face. He looked content, almost happy. That had been a constant since the day he came out to us, but there was something new to it today. Like he knew what Seth was planning to do, and that had him feeling even better.
Seth, on the other hand, looked like he was about to puke, and Robbie kind of did too. Just like last time, everyone got what was happening, and Robbie looked off put knowing he'd be the only one in the closet after today. I didn't get the impression he'd be taking this step any time soon.
It took Seth longer to speak up than it had Al. Sitting next to him, I could feel a nervous energy radiating off of him. With the look on Seth's face, I wouldn't have been surprised if he started crying, and I got more worried as we waited. No one made a move to say anything. In a rare move of tact, the guys got that Seth needed to do this at his own pace. Al, who had been smiling when I showed up, started to become serious as we waited, like he was getting worried Seth wouldn't go through with it.
Finally, after a long stretch of awkward silence, Seth took a deep breath, and I knew it was coming.
"I'm gay."
It was as simple of a statement as Al's had been, but Seth's words came out more choked. While Al had looked nervous, Seth looked petrified, like he expected for there to be terrible consequences for his admission.
Jake, who had taken it upon himself to break the silence after Al's confession, didn't do so this time. Seth didn't look like he could handle that sort of comment. I went back and forth between deciding to crack a joke or stay silent, and because I couldn't decide, I went with the latter.
There were still tears sparkling in Seth's eyes although none had fallen. I glanced around at the other guys to see that they all looked worried. Understandable given Seth's expression. It was clear none of them had a clue what to do, not even Seth. Not until Al took it upon himself at least.
"Good to not be the only one of us who isn't straight," he commented. He tried to smirk at Seth, but it wasn't convincing. He still looked more worried than anything else.
Seth let out a choked sound that had been an attempt at a laugh.
"Honestly," Quil said, keeping his voice lighter than Al had managed. "It's crazy that we got the both of you, isn't it? I guess some of the guys in Sam's pack could be gay or bi too, and we don't know it yet, but I don't think so. Can't believe we got the two of you."
"Quil," Embry snapped.
At first, I thought Embry was worried about Seth's reaction, and Seth had shifted a bit, unsure about Quil's comment. But then I noticed that Embry was watching Robbie carefully. You had to watch Embry to notice because he was trying to be discreet, but I saw Quil's eyes flicker in Robbie's direction too. The younger boy was staring down at his hands and looked scared, like Quil's comment had hit too close to home. And it probably had.
Something inside me was stirring up over this. I'd almost call it maternal except I loathed the idea of using that word to describe myself. It was easier to think of it as being a sister figure. I was the oldest member of this pack as well as the beta, so I had a right to worry about the well-being of the younger members.
While some might reject the notion that Leah Clearwater could be a caring human being, I would argue that caring was what had turned me bitter in the first place. I still hated how much I cared sometimes because little good had come out of it over the years.
But I'd never felt as protective over anyone as I did Robbie and Seth. As Seth's older sister, those feelings were an integral part of our relationship, but there was no denying that Seth possessed a quality that made people around him care. When it came to Robbie, I'd taken to watching him ever since the day on the beach when he opened up to me. I'd become protective of him.
I knew everyone saw it, even if they didn't comment for fear of my wrath.
Now, both of them were in varying states of panic and fear, and I was as overwhelmed as everyone else on what to do. Personal feelings of protectiveness did not mean I was good at the actual goal of acting caring. I felt as useless as I always did in these situations. I wanted to help but was at a complete loss about what to say.
Quil was determined to correct any wrongs he may have committed. Especially after Embry had called him out for it. Words stumbled out of his mouth that sounded awkward, forced, and not at all comforting.
"Which is cool. None of us care. We've known for a while anyway. That the two of you liked boys, I mean." At least he tried to deflect the focus from Robbie. I'd give him that, even if I couldn't stop myself from rolling my eyes. "It's fine. I was just saying that it's an interesting coincidence. Rolling a Yahtzee on your first roll is also a coincidence, but it's an amazing one."
"Quil," Embry stopped his friend again with a groan.
This time I could see amusement in Embry's eyes, and even I was working to suppress a grin. It was harder when Embry caught my eyes.
Then, Seth laughed. It struck through the silence, startling everyone. For a few seconds, we all watched him in surprise, and then, one by one, we each broke down. The entire room was full of the sounds of laughter, and all the tension drained away.
I noticed that Robbie had tears in his eyes from how hard he was laughing, and Seth looked beyond elated. A switch had flipped, and suddenly, Seth realized that he wasn't going to be judged for his sexuality. It was like a new confidence had flooded through him and changed everything. While he had already improved from his sour mood last year, this felt like the first true glimpse of the old Seth.
Actually, it might have been a glimpse of someone different. Someone more confident.
He still wasn't out to the world, but every step built Seth up a little bit more.
I hoped Robbie managed to make it to this point someday too.
April 17th, 2008
The camaraderie among the pack shifted and changed once both Seth and Al were out. While we'd all been close for a while now, the increase in openness was visible in our dynamics.
One day, while blushing, Seth had told me how Quil had begun whispering to him about cute guys and had even asked Seth what Seth's type was. Although Seth had told me this with faux exasperation, I could tell he was grateful the guys had taken it in stride.
Things were good between all the guys, which was why I hadn't been expecting what happened that afternoon.
My last class of the day was canceled, and since Joselyn had a different class, I'd decided I might as well go home. It was rare for me to be the first one home except for rare occasions where Seth had to patrol after school. I'd been enjoying the peace and quiet, something I didn't get much of anymore.
Of course Seth was unaware I was here, but I would have thought his supernatural senses would detect me. He'd always had the best hearing in the pack. Typically, that alerted him to anyone around. That was why I didn't bother to get up when I heard him enter the house.
But it didn't take long to realize Al was with him. Then I began to make as little sound as possible in hopes they wouldn't notice I was here.
I could tell from their voices that they had been arguing long before entering the house. It struck me by surprise. Both of them had been cheerful since coming out to the pack. I couldn't imagine what conflict there was between them. I'd have thought they'd feel more camaraderie than ever before, but apparently not.
Seth's words were the first that I could make sense out of.
"I don't understand why you're against the idea. You're supposed to want this."
Al made a noise that sounded like a scoff.
"I do want it. Obviously. I said I didn't want to do it right now. I don't think now is a good time."
"Why not? We'd be riding the wave of the first one. You were the one who came out to the pack first, remember?"
"What?" I could only imagine how angry Al's face looked based on the tone of his voice. "Don't use that against me! That has nothing to do with this. You came out to your mom and Leah months ago, but it took you until now to come out to the pack. Coming out to some people doesn't mean you have to be out to the world."
"No one said anything about the world."
"That's what you want though, isn't it?"
While I couldn't see them at all, I could imagine what they looked like facing off. I was pretty sure this was the biggest fight Seth had ever had with anyone, and I felt like an intruder. There was no way out of it though. I couldn't leave without being caught, and that would only make things worse. I knew I wasn't supposed to know any of this.
"Of course I want to be out to the world," Seth continued. "That would be the obvious end goal, but I'm not saying I want it right now. What I want is to stop lying to the people I'm closest to."
"Neither of us are lying. We never claimed to be straight, right?"
"That's not the same thing, and you know it."
"I'm not ready, Seth."
"God, Al. We said we were going to do this together, and then you went and came out to the pack before me-"
"You said you weren't ready."
"Yeah, I know, but that doesn't change the fact you went and just changed plans on me without talking about it. It was one thing for you to do it on your own, but it was another to abandon our plans to do it together without telling me."
This was news to me. While I'd figured Seth and Al suspected each other's sexualities as much as the other pack members did, I'd had no idea they'd talked about it together in such detail. They'd done an incredible job of keeping that quiet. Now I wondered how long they'd been out to each other, and a bitter part of me was angry Seth hadn't told me, as ridiculous as that was.
"You knew I wanted to. I wasn't going to drag you with me, but I had to come out."
"Well, I have to come out to the rest of the wolves now."
"We said we'd wait and do it together," Al whined, desperation in his voice.
"You fucking hypocrite!"
It was the loudest and angriest I'd heard Seth in his life. My heart stopped beating for a second. I sucked in a breath and held it. Al must have been as shocked as I was because the house was silent for a long stretch of time. It was so quiet that I feared my sped up heart would alert them to my presence.
But paying attention to the rest of the house was the least of their worries. They were far too focused on each other and their own rage to pick up on anything else. That might have been a first for Seth.
The silence went on for so long that I began to wonder how Al would counter back. Seth's insult had been true from what I could tell, and I wasn't sure Al could deny that.
I began to think that Al must have stormed out, but he couldn't have. I hadn't heard the noise of footsteps or the front door. They were both standing there in silence.
"Say something," Seth growled after a while.
I heard Al stumbling over an attempt at words, but it was nothing more than a jumble of sounds that made no sense.
"I'm sorry," he finally choked out.
I heard him move now. He was out the door at wolf speed. I wanted to get up and look out the window to see which direction he was going. In my mind, he'd shot off for the forest and phased but checking would mean Seth hearing my movements.
I was still debating how I was going to get out of this situation. I didn't relish the thought of my little brother knowing I had eavesdropped on this.
But before I could do anything, Seth took care of the problem by disappearing outside just as Al had. He probably wanted to be out of the house before he thought I would be home. I chanced a glance out the window once he was far enough away to not notice anything happening in the house.
I caught him in time to see him disappear into the forest in human form. Possibly, he was about to phase, but Jake and Embry were patrolling, not to mention Al had probably beaten him to it. If Al was already steaming to Embry and Jake, I doubted Seth would follow. Too bad it was happening the first time Seth had ever felt so much rage. This would be a huge lesson on control for him, one he hadn't gotten upon first becoming a wolf. Seth had never gone through the hot-headed phase most of us did. That was good in many ways, but it did mean, when Seth did get angry, there was less of a guarantee he could control himself.
April 19, 2008
Robbie, Al, and I had made the decision to combine our birthday parties into one for a second time. Like the year before, I let the guys take complete control over it, and I was far more satisfied this year than I'd been the year before.
The only thing I could say was bringing me down this year was the awkwardness between Al and Seth. I knew from what Embry and Jake had said to me that Al had phased that day but Seth hadn't.
Jake and Embry hadn't been able to figure out what was going on. Somehow, Al had managed to conceal that even in his anger. The only thing that had gotten past his defenses was that it was Seth he was angry at. That was why they had asked me if I knew anything. I had pretended to be as clueless as they were.
By now, everyone knew something was up. Seth had reverted back to his grumpy state, but it was only in full force when Al was around. There were other times where he looked down, but he always acted happier once you got him talking. The only exception was when Al was around. Then Seth's stony face wouldn't budge no matter what anyone else did.
For several days, I hadn't expected Seth to come to the party. He'd gone to complicated lengths to stay out of Al's presence. Meanwhile, Al acted like he wanted to patch things up, but he couldn't when Seth stayed as far away as possible. The only times they were together were when other people were around, which was purposeful on Seth's part. Al couldn't bring up their argument around everyone else and expect things to get better.
It was for those reasons that I went into the party with low expectations. A sudden blowup on either Seth's or Al's part wouldn't have been unexpected. In some ways, I would have been grateful for it. Especially if it meant they worked past it and made up. God knew they needed it. They both looked too upset to keep this up.
What still confused me was how things had reached this point in the first place. I still didn't know when they'd come out to each other and what had led to it. I still had an incessant curiosity making me want to press for information, but I was aware I never could. Not unless I wanted to out myself and make Seth even madder.
On the day of the party, things appeared normal. Wolves littered the yard with their imprints and a few family members scattered among them. At one glance, an outsider might have thought everything was fine. Unless the outsider focused in on Seth or Al. Then they'd see not everyone was happy. From there, they might notice the confused, calculating glances everyone else was casting at the boys every so often.
This was going to be a long day.
Ten minutes in, I'd decided to do my best to pretend like there was no drama. Now we'd finished our food, and everyone sat around chatting. Only Seth and Al were quiet, sitting as far away from each other as they could while being on the fringes of the crowd.
I took a seat across from Embry at one of the picnic tables. Rachel sat beside me with Paul on her other side. Dallas and Moses filled up the remaining places at the table.
"I don't get it," Embry said, looking back and forth between Seth and Al.
It was the first time anyone had brought the situation up to me today. They could both hear everything Embry was about to say after all, but if they were paying attention, they were doing a good job of hiding it.
Embry continued, "They've never had any problems with each other before."
"They never really talked to each other before," Moses pointed out. I was surprised the twelve-year-old had spoken up. I had yet to hear any sort of opinion from him about Seth or Al. The boy hadn't had much of a reaction to the conflict from what I'd seen. "Have you ever noticed?"
He looked between me and Embry, the only other members of our pack at the table. Then he leaned over to get a good look at Al, who had been out of his line of sight.
"They were always quiet around each other, but it was only ever with each other."
When Moses finally looked back at the table, he saw our surprise. I'd never noticed before. Seth and Al had always been fine with each other. I'd never stopped to analyze how many words they exchanged. Now I wondered if I'd failed to pay as close of attention as I should have.
Moses shrugged, still frowning. "Thought everyone noticed."
"I noticed," Dallas bragged. His chest puffed out a little in pride. Despite being more preoccupied with Seth and Al, I had to roll my eyes.
Something about that bugged me. Dallas was in Sam's pack, and while all of us wolves were family, the pack divide had only become more significant over time. Each pack was a separate entity. Someone from Sam's pack realizing something was up with our members before we did was frustrating. I could tell from Embry's face that he felt the same way.
"You go to school with Al," Embry pointed out, trying to make himself feel better more than anything.
It was true. Dallas and Moses were a year behind Al in school, which meant they spent more time around him than we did. Well, maybe not more time in Dallas' case because we spent quite a bit of pack time together. But it was at least an adequate explanation for why Moses had picked up on something we hadn't.
I was still frustrated that I'd missed something like this with my brother. Considering he was in high school, not middle school like the others, there was no excuse about spending time at school together. I should have noticed. I felt like a failure both as a big sister and as a beta.
I was itching to talk about this more, but we couldn't. Seth and Al could hear everything we said. Besides, Seth and Al were still only out to our pack, which meant half of our table hadn't been told. While no one had any confirmation that was why they were fighting, I knew everyone suspected. It was the only thing to change recently that could have led to this. I had something I could consider confirmation, but I couldn't tell anyone else that. I didn't feel comfortable sharing information I'd obtained without the boys' knowledge. Even if it did help get rid of some of the mystery.
By now, I suspected everyone had different pieces of information that others lacked. It made me wonder what we would know about Seth's and Al's troubles if we pooled it all together. But that wouldn't happen. It felt like an invasion, and it wasn't right. But I did think that other people had been told things I hadn't.
All I wanted was for things to stop feeling so secretive.