Kyle felt horribly disoriented for the rest of the school day. He decided the only way to calm himself down was to stare at the hideous plum color of Stan's bedroom walls. In any other context, it was a shade of purple that made Kyle want to gouge his eyes out, but as a shade of paint it was so familiar to Kyle that Stan's room gave him the same inner peace as possibly a waterfall or a Japanese garden. Of course South Park didn't have any of those other two, so Kyle always found himself laying on Stan's bed when he was feeling troubled.
Stan knew something was up from the moment Kyle asked if he could come over. He looked concerned when Kyle didn't specify a reason why, but he was always respectful of his friend and did his best to refrain from asking. He was happy to offer Kyle a home away from home, a refuge from his prying, though well-meaning family. Every time Kyle arrived home with a frown on his face he was subject to his dad's overwhelming compassion, his little brother's keen observations, and his mother's... What didn't piss him off about his mom? There were times where she really was the most understanding and considerate person in the world, but those times never came when Kyle needed them the most. Most of the time, she was a huge- No! He would never call his mom that. Not after all the times that Cartman had…
Ugh. Cartman. Kyle groaned out loud and rolled onto his side, facing the wall. Stan shot him a worried glance from his desk where he was pretending to do homework, but was really just dicking around on Reddit.
"Ok, dude. You've been here for a whole hour and you haven't said anything."
"Sorry, Stan, but I really don't think I can tell you what's bothering me this time."
"Kyle, you know that's bullshit. You tell me everything, so why not just get it over with." Fucking Stan. Why did he did he always have to be right?
"Ok, ok." Kyle pushed himself up into a sitting position and turned to face his friend. "Whew. Fuck. Ok. I'm just going to say this… I think I'm gay." Kyle watched closely to see what Stan's reaction would be. Stan didn't even bat an eye.
"That's it? That's totally fine, dude. I kind of already figured since you never seemed that interested in girls."
"Ok, but that's the not the worst of it."
"Oh fuck." Stan's eyes got wide. "You're… you're not in love with me, right?"
Kyle gagged. "No way, dude!"
"Oh thank God," Stan laughed in relief.
"Fuck no! That's so fucking gay! Wait. I mean…"
"I know what you mean." There was a brief moment of silence. "So uh… who is the lucky fellow?"
Kyle grimaced. "You're not going to believe this."
"Oh come on. It can't be that bad. I mean, it's not like it's Cartman!" Silence. "No." More silence. "No fucking way." Kyle cheeks began to burn. Stan leapt to his feet and grabbed his friend by the shoulders. "Cartman? Eric Cartman? The piece of shit who's made your life, all of our lives but your life in particular, a living hell since preschool? Are you serious?"
Kyle covered his face with his hands and groaned. "I know. I fucking hate myself. I don't know what to do."
Stan let go of Kyle's shoulders and sat down beside him on the bed. "Tell me everything."
"Well, you know I've been tutoring him for the past few weeks after school, which I know he only asked me to do as some sort of ploy, but now I think the ploy might've been to get close to me… romantically."
"What?" Stan looked half horrified and half disgusted.
"Yeah well yesterday there was this whole ordeal, and the short story is I accidentally cut my hand and he… well…" Kyle's face felt so hot he could probably boil a pot of water on it. "He kind of made out with the cut." Stan's mouth fell open. "Look I know it sounds weird, but-"
"Weird is a huge understatement."
"I know! I know…" Kyle sighed.
"And what? You liked it?"
"Yeah. I did. I thought it was really fucking hot."
"Christ…" Stan muttered. "You know he's probably just manipulating you. Probably wants you to admit you're gay so he can announce it to the whole school or something."
"Yeah, that what I thought. But then today after Health he cornered me in the boy's bathroom, and there was something off about him. He seemed kind of anxious. Like he wasn't fully in control of his actions."
"That doesn't sound like Cartman."
"Yeah, dude. It was really weird."
"This whole situation is really weird. I totally get why you're freaking out."
Stan and Kyle sat quietly, neither of them sure of what to say next. Finally, Kyle spoke up. "He's coming to Wendy's dance on Friday."
"Oh yeah. Wendy's not super stoked on that by the way."
"Neither am I. But since he's trying to get me to like him I don't think he's gonna sabotage it or anything."
"Ok, even if Cartman was being 100% sincere about his interest in you, do you really want to get involved with him? He's not, like, a good person to be around."
"That's what's killing me. I'd be so relieved if you told me that after today I never had to see him ever again as long as I live. But now, every time I see him, it's just this violent physical attraction." Stan winced uncomfortably. "Sorry, dude. TMI. But I'm feeling really conflicted."
"Well, you know, you could hook up with him. Maybe just all these years of pent up aggression are manifesting in the form of physical desire. You could try just getting it out of your system."
"I hate to admit it, but that's not a terrible idea."
"And you know, bro, no matter what happens I'm here for you." Stan patted Kyle sympathetically on the shoulder. Kyle gave him a weak smile.
"Thanks, bro. …Goddammit. I am not looking forward to Friday."