A/N: As always, thanks to Jezebel Jai-Braxlin for beta reading this chapter.
June 13th, 2008
"You have to swear to me that we'll stay in contact this summer."
I laughed at Joselyn's seriousness. As if I would stop speaking to her now that school was over. It felt nice to know someone cared enough to threaten me like that. She'd probably show up on my doorstep one day if I stopped talking to her.
"Not like I'll have much going on otherwise," I complained. "I think I'll be forced to babysit Nessie a bit before Jake gets out of school and does it himself, but what's new."
"I still don't get that," Joselyn muttered just loud enough that I'd have been able to hear it even if I were a human.
"You're not supposed to," I reminded her.
We'd reached a place of acceptance when it came to my strange anecdotes that made little sense, at least from Joselyn's perspective. She knew Nessie as my step niece but also knew Jake was Nessie's primary babysitter. I'd told her the same thing to explain away Quil's relationship with Claire. Joselyn was confused, but I'd done my best to brush it off with reminders that traditional gender roles were stupid anyway. So what if two guys babysat?
Joselyn had agreed with me, but it was obvious that she suspected there was more than what she was being told. The important thing was that she didn't push me for more information, and we were able to move past it quickly whenever it did come up.
"Well," she said in a change of subject. "We're meeting up at least twice a month. I swear, Leah. We will see each other."
I laughed as we walked through the parking lot for Joselyn's car.
"I know, I know. I already agreed with you on that. I told you I can come to Port Angeles whenever. Just let me know."
"I will."
She hugged me, and I surprised myself by hugging her back tightly. This sort of thing would have been unimaginable to me a year ago, but here I was, sad to leave a friend on the last day of school. In a way that was different from leaving Lucas last semester. This was nice.
As I left Joselyn behind and ran home, however, other thoughts were running through my mind.
I had an entire year of college under my belt. College, which had always been something I thought of as a long shot, was now something I had accepted as reality. Over the course of the year, I had re-evaluated why it was I was in college, and I still didn't feel like it was for academics or the degree. Joselyn felt like the reason I was there. Making connections outside of La Push was what I wanted more than anything, and I'd succeeded.
But the fact of the matter was that college was ultimately for education. They existed to earn degrees first and foremost, yet I was done with my freshman year and still undeclared.
I'd decided to change that by the end of the summer. I had to decide what I wanted to do with myself.
The problem was, I didn't feel like I was any closer to choosing a degree than I had been upon starting school. I was still aimlessly taking general courses and whatever looked interesting. There was no semblance of a plan behind it. Half of my classes had been chosen on the spot with my adviser because they fit well into a schedule. I wasn't sure how many more semesters I could keep that up.
My schedule for the next semester was set, which only made my decision feel more immediate. The usual track for an associate's would have put me graduating in two semesters, but that required taking the correct classes. Classes that I know only had one semester to fit in if I wanted to make it. My decision had to happen sometime before the next scheduling session. And I couldn't allow myself to push it off and allow it to surprise me again.
So, I knew my goal for the summer. The problem was that I didn't know how to achieve the goal.
My school had a limited number of options, but they still felt overwhelming. There wasn't even a few that stood out to me among the rest. None of them had been the reason I came to school, and none of them felt like my "calling" or anything cheesy like that.
No, my decision was going to come down to what I needed the fewest credits to receive and nothing more. I dreaded figuring it out.
June 21st, 2008
Sam and Emily's house was packed when Seth and I got there. Making it into the house was a struggle, and Seth got lost behind me as I weaved through the crowd. It was surprising he'd managed to keep up with me during the walk there. He'd dragged his feet so much that I thought he might not make it to the house.
This was the first dual pack meeting we'd had in far longer than a year. Except it wasn't a pack meeting when the imprints had been asked to come too. It was more like the parties we had so frequently except with a narrowly defined purpose. I supposed Seth had decided that they should hear it from him instead of the other wolves. It was a wise decision, but he looked like he was regretting it now.
His nerves might have been misplaced when everyone already knew why they were here. I could tell that from glancing around. More than a few of the others were watching Seth with caution, like they were worried about him. No one looked confused or clueless about what was happening. Not even Jared, who I would have argued was the densest of everyone due to his self-absorption.
With all the seats taken, I chose to perch myself on the armrest at the end of the couch. It placed me hovering over Emily, who was snuggled into Sam's side. I hardly spared a thought to how I'd have been on the opposite side of the room from them not too long in the past. Now I was only concerned with the most convenient place to sit.
Emily and Sam smiled at me as I sat down, and I smiled back with only the slightest bit of hesitance as a result of Seth's nerves. I turned to watch my brother as he hovered just inside the door.
Everyone already knew that Seth was the reason we were having this meeting, so he was destined to be the center of attention from the second he walked in. He knew it too and was fidgeting, unable to move.
I scanned the room again, this time paying more attention to everyone's faces. Unsurprisingly, only one face looked anything but sympathetic and curious: Al. He looked angry, and I wanted to roll my eyes.
He and Seth hadn't been speaking for two months, and it was reaching the point of ridiculousness. Having heard the fight, I knew it wasn't pointless, but I did think they could have gone ahead and talked it out by now. The fact each of them refused to so much as look at each other was childish. Sometimes I had to remind myself how old they were. It wasn't as if I'd been an epitome of maturity at that point in my own life.
Or like I was one now.
Despite sympathizing with Al being upset, I did think it was stupid of him to be angry at Seth for doing what he felt he needed to do. Especially when I was able to make the assumption that Al had betrayed Seth first. He should have had little influence over Seth's decision to do this.
Of course, I could have been biased as Seth's big sister, but even now, I thought of Al as a little brother of sorts too. I wanted them both to be happy, but I was pissed about what Al seemed to have done to my brother. Even if I was a bit hazy on the details of what had gone down.
Seth didn't make a move to find a seat, preferring to remain standing in front of the entire room. While he did take a few steps away from the door, I couldn't help but think he was giving himself the option to run if he needed it. The door was a form of protection from the rest of us.
He glanced around nervously, and I tried to smile for the brief second his eyes were on me. I couldn't be sure if he caught it or not. His face remained an impassive mask of fear.
With a clearing of Seth's throat, the room became even quieter. Everyone fixed their eyes on him and didn't move. Seth fidgeted some more before he spoke, using the same simple sentence he'd used with those of us who already knew.
"I'm gay."
Again, there was silence after the statement as everyone looked at him. Seth's expression remained the same, waiting for a reaction. I glanced around the room, unsurprised to see that no one appeared surprised.
Just like last time, it was a waiting game to see who would break the silence. Our pack was waiting for someone else to do it, feeling like it was their place. We'd already known after all. Still, Seth was freaking out a little more for every millisecond of silence that passed, and I couldn't stand to let him continue down that road.
I elbowed Emily's shoulder. The motion startled her, and she glanced up at me with wide eyes.
"Are we getting food?" I asked, hoping the question would prompt enough commotion to pull attention away from Seth.
Sure enough, most of the guys began voicing their agreement that they needed food. Emily smiled, but I watched her glance at Seth as if still uncertain it would be proper for her to do anything.
"Of course," she finally said. She'd seen something in Seth's demeanor to prompt her, but he was only staring at the wall looking nervous. "I have some in the kitchen."
More than half the room took that as their cue to rush into the other room. I noticed that most of us left behind belonged to Jake's pack. Seth finally looked away from the spot on the wall and observed who was here. His shoulders relaxed , but I could tell he also glanced back at Al several more times than he did the rest of us.
Al who was still frowning and refusing to look in Seth's direction.
Part of me wanted to get up and slap him on the back of the head for being an idiot, but doing so would only make things worse. We all watched Al as he stood up to go to the kitchen, deliberately taking a longer route to stay away from Seth. I watched him go, catching Jake's, Embry's, and Quil's eyes once Al had disappeared through the doorway. I knew there was a lot each of us wanted to comment on but couldn't.
I moved to sit on the couch cushion that Emily had vacated. Seth moved to sit down, taking the space that was now between me and Jake. He sighed, and I reached out a hand to pat him on the shoulder. It wasn't much, but he smiled at me in appreciation.
"Al needs to get that stick out of his ass," Quil commented after a while.
I shot him a reproachful look. While I was inclined to agree, it didn't feel like a good idea bringing it up. But Seth gave a little choked laugh, which counteracted the growl of anger we heard from the kitchen. A few of the others even laughed from the other room, and I imagined it had to have been because they had heard. I could imagine the glares they were receiving from Al.
Quil shrugged, not regretting the comment. Unsurprising, I doubted Quil had ever taken back anything he'd said in his life.
After a few minutes, Jake got up to get food, clapping Seth on the shoulder with a smile as he went. Quil followed after him, leaving only Seth, Embry, and me in the living room. I could tell from the way Embry was watching Seth that he wanted to say something to him. Sometimes being surrounded by people with supernatural hearing made privacy difficult. Add to that your thoughts being broadcast to everyone on a regular basis unless you developed strict control of them and being a wolf often felt like living in a glass house. One with interior glass walls where those closest to you saw everything, even if the exterior was made of brick to block out the rest of the world.
"At least that's done," I said, trying to prompt Seth into saying something. The two huge words of his admission were the only ones he'd spoken since entering the house.
"Yeah," he muttered. It sounded like he was in a state of disbelief.
"How does it feel?" Embry asked.
Seth shrugged before coming up with a better answer. "Right now it feels the same, which is what's weird, I think. Nothing feels different even though it was supposed to be earth shattering. Or at least earth shifting. But it doesn't feel like that. It's kind of… disappointing in a weird way."
"Makes sense to me," Embry said. "Stuff you have to build yourself up for is almost always less overwhelming than you'd thought it would be."
Seth nodded, but it was hard to tell how much of Embry's words he'd taken in. He looked like he was zoned out. "Yeah, I guess," he said absentmindedly.
"I'm going to find food," I announced, getting to my feet.
Embry announced that he'd go with me, but Seth remained in his place. I glanced back at my brother when I reached the doorway, wishing he would come join everyone else. There was no reason to stay isolated, and I felt bad for leaving him behind when he still looked so out of sorts. I almost made a move to go back towards him, but Embry put a hand on my arm and shook his head.
I understood why it might be best to let Seth decide for himself if he wanted people around, even if it felt wrong. That was the only reason I headed Embry's advice with nothing more than a frown. I offered Embry a nod and turned back around, going into the kitchen and leaving Seth on his own.
When Al slipped out of the kitchen ten minutes later, I was the only one to notice. No one appeared to hear the front door closing behind them soon after either.
June 26th, 2008
Despite Seth's confused mood the day of his biggest coming out, he was cheerful in the days that followed. I wasn't sure how much came from the reality sinking in and how much of it came from what had happened between him and Al later that day.
All I knew for sure was that Seth and Al were on speaking terms again. In fact, they had reverted right back to how they'd been months ago. I was seeing for myself what Moses had meant when he said they rarely talked to each other.
While the hostility was gone, they weren't friendly. They weren't anything. The others had accepted that things were normal again and let it go. I, on the other hand, was suspicious as fuck. Possibly because I knew more. Something was going on that they weren't telling anyone.
What I had overheard didn't fit into this rarely speaking to each other nonsense. I didn't care how natural it appeared to the other guys.
Summer break meant spending time around the house trying to occupy yourself, and Seth and I were no exceptions. I was seeing my brother a lot more now than I did throughout the school year, and I was starting to think I needed to use that time for quality sibling bonding. It was the only method I could think of to dig for more information.
I could use the excuse that this was because I cared about Seth all I wanted, and I did. But the truth of the matter was that I was also curious. There was a mystery here, and my mind was itching to discover what the truth was. At least I was trying to go about it as discreetly as possible.
Seth was occupied with some TV show. It looked like a sitcom, but I wasn't concerned with it. My mind was too focused on other things to pay attention. Even though I was sitting in the living room with him, my mind was off in space coming up with a way to broach the topic of Al that would feel natural. At a commercial break, I went for it.
"So, things between you and Al have gotten better."
There was immediately a pink twinge to Seth's cheeks. His eyes remained on the TV as he offered me a shrug.
"Yeah, I guess."
"You guess?"
He didn't answer for a moment, letting a commercial for toilet paper be the only noise in the room.
"It is better. And mostly normal."
"But not entirely normal," I said, adding on the most logical conclusion to Seth's words.
Seth began chewing on his lip. "Not entirely normal, no."
I'd already guessed as much, but this was still a revelation of sorts. It was obvious they were trying to appear fine, and as far as everyone else was concerned, they were.
Seth sighed, and I had a hunch that I was about to get closer to figuring this all out.
"Do you know what made me finally accept the fact that I was gay?"
I hadn't been expecting that question, but I already had an answer at my fingertips. I'd seen enough to have some idea.
"Turning into a giant wolf and suddenly having access to guys' heads?"
"No," Seth replied immediately, sounding annoyed. "Well, yeah, kind of. But it's more complicated than that. It was partially being in the guys' heads, but it was being in Al's head more than anyone else's. He had already accepted the fact that he was bi, even though he wasn't out. Like, he was just comfortable with it and everything. That was incredible to me."
"But how did you know? The rest of us had hints, sure, but we didn't get anything out of him."
The color in Seth's cheeks darkened. "We were patrolling one day, just the two of us. I let a thought slip on accident. I know that wasn't the only time. I think I did it with all the guys at least once, but I was mortified. But then Al decided to show me his own thoughts about boys to make me feel better. So then we both knew about each other. It wasn't until then that I started thinking about it more on my own. Before then I kind of repressed it, tried to make myself like girls like I saw the other guys liked girls in their heads. It never worked, but I tried really, really hard."
It went quiet for a moment, and I couldn't bring myself to break it. When Seth spoke again, his voice was a whisper.
"Seeing that he had the same thoughts as me and wasn't weirded out by it or anything, it helped. It was the first time I thought that I could be gay and things could still be okay. The first time that I thought 'gay' and 'misery' weren't synonyms."
"You never thought that before?" I asked, surprised that my voice was almost as quiet as Seth's.
Seth's expression remained somber. "Not really. It was confusing. On one hand, I knew it didn't have to be that way, but on the other, it was impossible to see it any other way. We don't exactly live in an area of great gay acceptance, Leah. And I'm a werewolf, and the guys are always dropping their clothes in front of each other without thinking about it. Not to mention that we can all read each other's thoughts. It made sense that they would react badly. It seemed idiotic to think they wouldn't."
"It's not any different from having a straight girl in the pack."
"But, Leah, they do all kind of did freak out about you. At first they did at least."
It was quiet for a second as I thought back to my first months in the pack.
"Okay. Yeah, true. But the point is that they got over it. Surely you thought enough of them to think they'd get over your sexuality too."
Seth shrugged again, taking a deep breath before continuing. "It was hard to see that far in the future. The initial reaction scared me more than anything else. It was the only thing I thought about.
"The only way I could imagine being out was if I somehow escaped La Push, but that was impossible. And you know I've always wanted to stay in La Push my entire life. I started feeling like it was a choice between my sexuality or my hometown, and I didn't know what to do."
Tears pricked behind my eyes, and I did my best to blink them away. This was the most open Seth had been with me about what he'd been going through during his "grouch days" as I'd come to call them. We were still at the beginnings of Seth being able to talk openly about being gay. I considered the fact that he was saying so much now to be a huge achievement.
I stood up from the chair I sat in and moved to sit by Seth on the couch instead. I leaned into him, letting our shoulders press into each other. It felt like the right level of intimacy for us, not too awkward but still enough to convey our feelings.
"You don't feel that way anymore, do you?"
I could tell it was something Seth had to consider before he could answer me.
"Not really. By now most of the town has heard about it, and it's not as bad as I expected. Of course, that could be because they're scared of the guys if they do anything cruel to me."
"Or scared of you," I pointed out. I think sometimes even Seth forgot he was part of the pack too and therefore also intimidating to those outside of it. At least until they carried on a conversation with him.
"Maybe," Seth allowed with a shrug. "That doesn't make me feel any better."
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, trying to come up with an idea that could cheer Seth up. Nothing sounded plausible. This was something he would have to overcome by himself and only by himself. I felt confident he would pull it off too, sooner rather than later.
"You'll be happy," I told him, leaning over to rest my head on his shoulder. "Both you and Al. I know you will be."
I had to believe that because no one I knew was more deserving of happiness than Seth. If he didn't get it, then there was no hope that I would.
Seth made a noise, letting me know he'd heard me, but I could tell he was skeptical of the sentiment. A part of him still believed he was doomed to be miserable, even if he was working hard on not feeling that way.
Al wasn't helping. I was sure both Al and Seth were feeling worse off because of their conflict with each other, but they'd have to work it out for themselves. I hoped that happened sooner rather than later.
We were silent for quite a while after that. I tried to pretend my attention was on the television, but when another commercial break happened, I couldn't help but speak up again.
"Would you hate me if I asked exactly what your feelings for Al are?"
Seth immediately froze. I lifted my head up from his shoulder to look at his face, and he was staring down at me in fear. On one hand, I felt a little like I was intruding. It was hard to say what my perception of their relationship would be if I hadn't overheard what they'd said to each other. But I was starting to think I would have picked up on something anyway if I'd bothered to be perceptive. In fact, over the past several days, I'd started to think that Embry suspected what I did as well, although he never tried to discuss Seth and Al with me. And since the younger wolves were around Al all day at school, I was wondering if they'd considered it too.
"Why?" he asked, voice wavering. "Why are you asking?"
I shrugged in a way that I hoped looked casual. I was still hoping that we could pretend I was only suggesting something I'd considered on a whim.
"Different reasons. You're both the only members of the pack who aren't straight. I guess that alone could lead to feelings, not that you should date someone just because they like boys, obviously, but it'd be natural for a crush to happen."
Seth moved away from me enough for it to be noticeable. We were still close, but our arms were no longer pressing against each other like they had been before.
"I'm not going to like someone just because they're the only boy around who likes boys."
I kept myself from sighing or showing any sort of exasperation. It was reasonable that Seth would immediately get defensive like this considering. I didn't have it in me to blame him.
"That's not what I meant. I don't think you like Al just because he likes guys. I think you like Al, and it happens to be a nice bonus that he also likes guys."
For a minute, I wasn't sure if Seth was going to respond. He was watching the TV and chewing on the inside of his cheek intently. Several different emotions flickered across his face as he thought about Al.
"I do like him," Seth finally admitted. His voice was once again like a whisper. "And I do think it started off being for no other reason except that he liked boys. That was nice, obviously, but I didn't want to like someone just because of that, so I tried to stop. But then we kept talking, and he was the only one I knew who felt what I felt and was struggling with it too. And that was nice. Really nice. After a while, I realized I still liked him, and this time it was because I could relate to him.
"But I still feel like I might like him because he's my only option in La Push, and I don't want that. I don't want to like someone just because all the other guys around me are straight. That's not how that should work."
That wasn't the conflict I had been expecting Seth to reveal.
"Is that what you two were fighting over then?" I asked, hoping it was an innocent enough question and one that would lead me to the truth. Our conversation so far felt like it had only created more dots, and all of them still needed connecting.
"No," Seth told me, letting out a large sigh. "That wasn't what we fought over."
He didn't give me any more information, so I chanced elbowing him, hoping that it would prompt more. It worked.
"Starting off, I think we both wanted to relate to the other too much. I didn't realize it, but I expected his situation to be exactly like mine with no differences. But we aren't the same. I came out to everyone, and Al wasn't ready yet. Our situations started off the same, but we were ready for different things at different times. Now I definitely think I was right. I can't start up a relationship with the first boy I know who likes boys. I need more than that."
It wasn't the entire story, but it felt like enough of it. I could guess a lot of the surrounding details with what I had now.
"You don't just have your sexuality," I pointed out. "You're also both wolves, for whatever that's worth. That's already bonded your lives together."
"Oh, great," Seth responded flatly. "We're both queer and turn into giant wolves. The greatest basis for a relationship ever."
"Hey," I protested. "Relationships have started over shallower things. It's as decent of a start as 'look, an attractive person.' If great relationships can come out of that, great relationships can come out of being mythical creatures together."
Seth didn't argue. Instead, his words took a turn that I hadn't been expecting. Seth's words became amused instead of disheartened.
"It makes sense that you'd think two people being wolves would be a good start to a relationship."
I wasn't sure what he was hinting at, but I didn't like the tone of his voice. I got the impression I was being mocked for something that I couldn't figure out.
My clueless expression must have been obvious to Seth too because his expression changed from joking to confusion.
"Wait. Do you not know what I'm talking about?"
"I don't have a clue," I admitted.
It wasn't until after Seth had continued that I realized I should have tried shifting the path of this conversation earlier.
"Have you or have you not developed feelings for a certain Embry Call?"
The way Seth said it sounded certain, like he knew without a doubt that I liked Embry and he just wanted me to say it out loud. I was genuinely confused.
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Seth. Embry and I are friends, yeah, but what the hell do you mean, 'do I like him'?"
Seth stared at me in shock for a few seconds before his face shifted to an expression that appeared to be pity.
"Wow." He drew out the word for emphasis. "You're in some deep pit of denial, Leah. The biggest pit I've ever seen. I can't believe you went through all that shit about Al with me when you can't admit that you have a crush on someone."
"I don't have a crush on anyone! And I'm not lying."
Seth nodded. "I know you're not lying to me. I can tell that you think you're saying the truth, but you're not. It's apparently yourself that you're lying to."
I was annoyed by now. For some reason, Seth's words had me beyond angry. Even though I knew it wasn't a rational response, I felt like I had little control over it.
"You know," Seth continued. I should have been happy that he appeared more thoughtful than upset, but it was hard to remind myself how worried I'd been minutes ago. "Now I wonder if you're only concerned about me because it distracts you from all the repressing you've been up to lately."
"I don't like Embry fucking Call, Seth. There's no repressing."
Seth was close to laughter, and I felt close to slapping him in the face. But Seth and I were the only sets of siblings I knew who had never been violent with each other, and I wasn't going to break that streak now. It wouldn't solve anything, and Seth would do that wounded thing he did so well, the one that would make me feel guilty for days.
"Leah, have you ever stopped to wonder why it's Embry you spend so much time around?"
"I don't spend that much more time around him than any of the other guys."
I ran through all the time I spent with Embry, trying to understand. Sure, I'd dragged him along to Oregon with me, but that had been a one time thing. And sure I felt a tad bit closer to Embry than any of the other guys, but why did that have to be romantic?
I continued, "Why can't a guy and a girl be friends without everyone thinking there's something between them?"
"They can," Seth said. He still had an annoyingly amused grin on his face. "You're friends with Jake and Quil for example. Embry's different."
"Can't a girl be a bit closer with one of her guy friends without it being romantic?"
Seth shrugged. "Yeah, but that just doesn't happen to be you and Embry. You can pull the 'guy and girl just being friends' argument all you want, but sometimes there is more between two friends. This is one of those times."
I didn't know how to stress to Seth that it wasn't. I didn't have romantic feelings for Embry. I didn't have romantic feelings for anyone at the moment. I still didn't think a relationship was in the cards for me anytime soon. The only way I could think of to stress that to Seth was giving him a firsthand look into my thoughts, but that was a bad idea. Not only did it scare me off by being too personal, but any of the other guys could phase while we were doing it. The last thing I needed was Embry stumbling into it and seeing me stress how much I didn't like him like that.
Not that I thought it would hurt him or anything. I didn't believe for a second that Embry liked me either. Seth was crazy. But that didn't mean I wanted to live through that moment.
"I'll make you a deal," Seth said. "If you ever decide you want to talk to me about how you have feelings for Embry, then I'll open up more about Al too. Or whatever's going on with me in the love, lust, whatever arena by the time you sort your shit out. Until then, I'm not telling you anything about my feelings."
"And if I never develop these feelings that you're so sure I already have?"
Seth shrugged, standing up from the couch. "If I think you don't like him anymore, then I'll consider the deal void. Until then…"
I wanted to fight back. I wanted to tell Seth that he was wrong, that I didn't have feelings for Embry, so his deal was already void. Shouldn't he trust my own interpretation of my feelings over his? If he thought I had feelings for Embry now when I didn't, what would be enough to convince him? Me marrying someone else?
At this rate, I would never know what was going on in Seth's love life. Not that I wanted to know everything. I wasn't a snoop. But getting some information here or there would be nice.
But I didn't argue. I knew Seth well enough to know it was a losing battle. Whatever the truth, Seth was convinced he was right, and Seth rarely backed down when he believed he was right. He wouldn't talk to me about his feelings until he was personally convinced I didn't like Embry, and I had no idea when that would be.
That next weekend, I debated not going out to watch the sunrise. Spending less time with Embry was the only plausible way I could think of to convince Seth of the truth. In the end though, I hadn't been able to stop myself. At first I told myself it was because of the sunrise. I enjoyed it, looked forward to it each week. Why lose that because my brother thought he was an expert on my feelings?
Eventually though, I'd had to admit to myself that I went at least partially because of Embry too. I enjoyed spending time with him. I'd never doubted that much. I'd never doubted that I was the closest to him out of all the members of the pack. That much had become obvious over the last year.
None of that meant I had a crush on him. I didn't have a crush on anyone.
If Seth's words led me to think about dating Embry, that was only because Seth had stuck the suggestion into my head in the first place. It would have happened if he'd said the same thing about any of the other guys too. It didn't mean anything.