"Then again, there is the manner of my fee," he casually mentioned, leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head. My face immediately dropped into my best are-you-kidding-me look.

"You're kidding?" I drawled flatly. He shrugged unhelpfully at me.

"What self-respecting god would save a mortal of no consequence for free?" he pointed out. "Of course, your human currency will be no good to me. What do you have to offer? Why should I care?"

I sighed uglily, hitting my forehead on the countertop. That was exactly what I was thinking. I should've known, in all logic, but I was about as logical as a puppy that isn't walked enough. Finally I looked up, smiling deceptively.

"I've got something," I said breezily. Loki smirked at me because he knew I was bluffing, but the look in his eyes gave away a spark of faith.

"What could you possibly have to interest me?" he scoffed. I raised my eyebrows in a your-loss kind of expression.

"Magic," I purred tantalizingly. "The strongest, most elusive kind. Common as dirt, too. But even for the wisest sages, it often hides under their noses for decades. Centuries, even, depending on the sage."

"What do you know of magic?" he challenged skeptically. "I've been a scholar all my life, which is laughably longer than yours. I know every kind. No such arcane style of your description exists."

"Then turn me in," I offered nonchalantly, leaning back smugly. "If you're not interested, then don't bother covering me up. Go find someone else to teach it to you...maybe Gandalf? Wait, no, he perished fighting a balrog. Who else studied that magic? Twilight? Odin forbid...who knows where she is by now! Last I heard of her she was on a crazy crusade to Vanirheim, said she'd had a breakthrough. No one's seen her since...and that was, oh, how many decades ago?"

"I get it," interrupted Loki testily, glaring at me to let me know that he was not happy with me in the slightest. "I take it you're the only living student of this...mystery magic?"

"Student? I wish," I corrected, rolling my eyes in a secretly sad way. "I don't have a drop of magic in me-except for the werewolf part, of course, but obviously that kind of magic isn't consciously harnessable. But yes, I was close to the late Twilight Sparkle, who was the furthest pioneer in this particular strain of magic. If anyone can teach you, it's me."

Loki narrowed his eyes at me for a long time, trying to penetrate my poker face as deeply as he could before following up on my claim. Well, it wasn't really a con; as you will see, I indeed knew of an 'elusive magic.' But Loki was quite possibly the least qualified person to figure it out...unless I could change him.

That's the stupidest idea I've ever thought, and that's saying something. How could I change a god for the sake of studying a fake magic? Well, not technically god, just hyperadvanced alien race. But same difference: I was conning myself further and further. When the kriff would I be sober enough to quit?

Finally, he nodded at me.

"I believe you," he said blankly.

"Class begins as soon as I get out of this mess," I informed with a slightly nervous smile. I wondered if he noticed my tenseness at lying. "Which would be?"

"...you're asking me?" clarified Loki. I nodded, tilting my head at him as if that was a problem. Now it was his turn to run his are-you-kidding-me face.

"I thought you had a plan!" he hissed. I shrugged sheepishly.

"I'll think of something!" I excused. In all factuality, it was highly unlikely that I would, and he knew that as well as I did.

"Okay, sure," he agreed sarcastically. I could literally see a storm brewing in his expression. "Probably something involving 'unicorns,' and 'fairies,' and all sorts of nonsense that you made up. I can't wait."

"Good, 'cause I'll need your help!" I blurted cheerily. He narrowed his eyes at me again-he tends to do that a lot when he's confused but doesn't want to show it. "And yes, it might involve fairies, if Foaly doesn't have too much on his plate. Unicorns are extinct, by the way-or so I've heard. Anyway, I've got a theory, but I don't know if it's one hundred percent sound. Plus, I'm not smart enough to conjure an equation to express it. Well, equate it. Expressions are totally different. Maybe I could rope Stark into it? Or maybe even Banner...no, definitely Banner. He's got way more experience in this kind of-"

"What the $*# are you thinking?" he interjected, probably confused as anything with my aimless rant. I winked at him. Doubtless he wanted me to continue, but just then, in walked my soon-to-be least favorite person: Director Nick Fury.