Hi! It's me, Elle. It's meeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Sorry, I'm in a weird mood right now. So, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is: I've got a definite plan worked out in my head for the Faba part of this story. The bad news is: I don't really have a plan for the Elphie part. But hopefully, that'll get worked out.

Warning: This chapter has some strong language in it, but this is Elphie's WTF moment, so yeah.

Also, shameless plug: Go check out my new story that I'll be alternating with this one. It's called Monkey Business, and it's about Chistery!

Disclaimer: Nope. Not Wicked. Not If/Then.

Chapter 13

Elphie

Oh, great. Another phone call. "HELLO, THIS IS ELPHABA THROPP, GRAND VIZIER. HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU?"

The voice on the other end was just the opposite of hers: timid and unsure. "Hello, Madam Vizier. My name is, um, Tyana Bfeeson. I-I live in Munchkinland, well, of course I live in Munchkinland, and … um … I was just wondering when His Ozness is going to help with our water shortage. Do you know?"

Elphie sighed; she got questions like this all the time. "I'LL LET HIS OZNESS KNOW OF YOUR CONCERNS. HE IS WORKING ON IT, I PROMISE." Ugh. She hated Oscar's wretched telephone. If only she didn't have to lie …

"Th-thank you, Madam Vizier."

"YOU'RE WELCOME. HAVE A NICE DAY!" She slammed the phone down. "And don't ever call again." Elphie looked at the clock. 3:30, she might as well close up shop. She packed her bag and went to the throne room through the exclusive back entrance so she wouldn't have to deal with Oscar's ridiculous head machine. She knocked once.

"Entrez!" Oscar said jovially in that strange French language from his world.

"Hey, Oscar," Elphie breathed, coming in. "I'm heading out for the day. See you on Monday."

He grinned. "Alright. See ya!"

She turned to leave, but then a thought struck her. "I keep getting calls about the draught in Munchkinland. We should really do something about that."

"Madam Morrible is working on a spell to fix it, don't fret. In the meantime, we could try relocating some Animals onto the farms to give the Munchkins some cheap labor."

"No!" Elphie blushed, remembering herself. "I-I mean, I'll think about it. Good night, Oscar."

"Elphie?" She turned back once more. "About the public park. I have the plans for you to review and assess for building time. Here." Oscar handed her a manila envelope. "I'd like your assessment by Monday."

"Of course," she replied, stuffing the envelope into her already overflowing bag. "I'll see you then." She finally closed her bag with a grunt.

"Until then. And Elphie?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't yell into the telephone. The speaker provides enough amplification for the other person to hear you. I could hear you all the way from down here!" He gave her a fatherly smile. She grinned back despite herself.

"Sorry. I'll try to be quieter. It's just … your telephone is very strange."

He winked. "Strange but wonderful! Right?"

She rolled her eyes. "Bye, Oscar." She had a smile on her face for a while after she departed the Palace.

Elphie had conflicting feelings about Oscar Diggs, the supposed Wonderful Wizard of Oz. True, he had tricked her horribly when they first met, but now that she was working for him, he was nothing but kind to her. He was the loving father she never had; he treated her like her own father treated Nessa. She guessed that this was why she could see past the injustices that he was inflicting on the Animals. She wasn't proud of that, and Lukas had told her just the previous week over coffee, "You can't run from this, Elphie. You may be a hotshot government official now, but I'm still your friend. Right? And what about the Monkey who just brewed our coffee? Or the Boar who works in your apartment building? There ain't no 'I' in Oz, pretty Emerald. We're all in this together. We all connect." In her heart, she knew he was right.

Elphie entered her apartment on the west side of the city, threw down her bag, yanked the bobby pins out of her hair, and collapsed on the sofa. TLIF, she thought. Thank Lurline it's Friday. She contemplated going over to see Glinda, but then she remembered that Glinda had a date. With a lawyer named Milla. Glinda's coming out had been a shock to the whole nation since she was a public figure, but it had progressed gay rights in Oz. Same sex marriage was now legal in Gilikin. If only the same were true for Animal rights …

There was a knock on her apartment door. Ugh. Do I have to answer that? But, Elphie forced herself to stand up and walk to the door. When she opened it, she was a little surprised to see Boq. "Well, look who it is!" she exclaimed happily. "I haven't seen you since graduation! Come in! How've you been? How's my sister?"

His formal answer surprised her more than his initial appearance had. "Madam Governor would like me to give you this letter concerning the draught to give to His Ozness."

Bewildered, Elphie took the letter. "Why, Boq, is everything alright?"

"Everything is fine, Madam Vizier. Have a nice day." He turned to leave, but she ran after him.

"Boq, wait!" Elphie grabbed his arm. "I know what this is about. I know how it feels to not have someone love you back."

"No, you don't," he snapped. "You have your little soldier boy. He loves you to shreds!"

She started to get angry. "My 'little soldier boy' hasn't contacted me in over two months! He used to write every day! So, he's either forgotten about me, or he's …" What happened next was unexplainable to Elphie. But before she could stop herself, she leaned down and kissed Boq. And she felt him kiss her back. The urge came completely out of nowhere, and the whole time, all she could think was, What the fuck?!

"Wow," Boq said after they broke apart. "I didn't know you felt that way, Elphie."

"I don't. I-I mean, I'm sorry." Then she realized she had a much more serious problem. "Oh, sweet Oz, Nessa! Shit, what did I just do?!"

"Nessarose and I aren't together anymore," Boq said curtly. "And I didn't think you were the type to go around kissing men for no reason." He left before she could say anything else.

Desperate, Elphie called Lukas, this time trying to be quieter on the phone. She needed someone to vent to, about Boq, about the plans for the park … There were segregated bathrooms! What was the purpose of that?! And why had she kissed Boq, of all people? Maybe she was so deprived of love that she sprung at any chance she got. Oz, was she really that desperate? While she waited for Lukas, she fixed herself a drink.

"Are you okay?" Lukas asked when he arrived. "You seemed kind of tense on the phone. What's up?"

"Quickified Notes version?" Elphie asked rhetorically. "I'm exhausted, the plans for the so called public park have segregated bathrooms, Fiyero could be dead, and … I just kissed Boq."

"Oh. Did … Boq … like the fact that you kissed him?"

"No! He's still gaga over Glinda! And I didn't even like that fact that I kissed him! I have no idea why I kissed him!"

Lukas was thoughtful. "Well, maybe this ties into your being worried for Fiyero. You can't kiss him, so you transfer that urge onto any available man."

"Oh, great. I miss Fiyero so I'm gonna start randomly kissing people." She unfolded the plan to show him. "But look at this. There's the men's bathroom, and there's the women's bathroom right next to it, and then waaaaay over here … is the bathroom for Animals. Not even split up into genders."

"Yeah, that's bullshit," Lukas agreed. "Hey, you know the Resistance staged a protest awhile back?"

Elphie nodded.

"Why didn't you come and back us up? You could've helped us! And we could've helped you."

She sighed guiltily. "I know. But after my little … outburst when I first met Oscar, I have to stay on his good side now."

"I know. And hey," Lukas said as he turned to leave, "if you're missing Fiyero, know that I really do love you, and would be willing to give you a shoulder to cry on."

The door closed loudly behind him, and Elphie could not resist uttering aloud, "What the fuck?!"

There it is! The WTF chapter!

Thanks for reading!

Cheers,

Elle Dottore