Kitty could not move, or breathe, or think. She could not bear to look at him. How could she withstand the disappointment that would surely show in his manner toward her? And if he had come to tell her that he was engaged to someone else, how much worse would that be!
She started, turned, and was halfway to fleeing out of the room without so much as another glance at him, when he spoke and stopped her still again. "Miss Bennet, please, don't go." His voice was so quiet that she might have missed it if she had not been so keenly attuned to him already.
She stood beside the pianoforte, her heart doing everything within its power to flee her chest entirely. He brushed past the sofa and came close enough to her to touch her arm. Still, she could not look at him. She had to force herself to swallow, which did nothing to relieve the thickness of her throat. "Please, I can't bear it," she managed to say.
Mr. Knott, as gentle as she had ever known a man to be, pulled her over to the couch and somehow contrived to convince her to sit on it. She stared resolutely at his boots. They were scuffed and plain, and dusty from the roads. She started to tremble, and cursed herself for it. Why could she not say anything? Why could she not meet his eye? Why, oh, why had he come?
"Are you all right?" he asked. "What is the matter?"
"How… why… what are you doing here?" The words would not come out right. Nothing came out right. Why could she not stop shaking! She pressed her hands into her stomach. It helped neither her hands nor her stomach return to normal.
"I came to see you. I thought… you said I might, did you not?"
She nodded. She had said that. Why had she said that? She hadn't known then what torment it would be if he came.
"Perhaps you have changed your mind?"
She finally looked into his eyes, startled.
"You have not changed your mind," he said, and smiled a little. "I wish you would tell me what is the matter. You seem terribly unwell. Are you still suffering from Mr. Johns's assault?" His eyes flashed with contempt as he said the name, and Kitty flinched. "I am sorry, Miss Bennet…" He took one of her hands and extracted it from the tangle she held against her stomach. Gently, he pressed it between both of his own and turned a little on the sofa so he faced her better. "I did not come here to distress you. Please forgive me."
When she did not move, he let her hand drop, but he did not move farther away. His persistent gentleness was too much. "Oh, I am a stupid little fool and I have never been sorrier for it than I am in this moment!" She took a deep, shaky breath. "I am utterly, completely ruined, and it is all my fault, and I regret it so bitterly!"
"Kitty, I do not…"
"Mr. Johns!" He could not be so cruel as to expect her to explain it.
"He imposed himself on you. I know how the world views such things, but I saw the look in your eyes when you… when he…" He shook his head, his hand tightening over hers. "I am a clergyman, Miss Bennet, and as such it is my duty to forgive as our Lord does. I have quite forgiven you for whatever small role you played in it."
Somehow his belief in her innocence hurt more. "He did not… I let him do what he did… I thought… oh, I thought he only wanted my pity, and I was so stupid, and so wrong, and all the time I did not even know I was in love with—" She stopped abruptly. She could not tell him how much she loved him. It was too late to do anything about it. She sniffed back her tears and clutched after the handkerchief he offered her.
He didn't say anything, but he took her hand up again, and traced little circles across her knuckles. It was enough to break what little self-control she had left, and she began to cry: great, shuddering, gasping sobs that only made her feel worse about how he must think of her.
Finally, after what seemed to Kitty to be a very long time, but not nearly long enough, she managed to stop crying and merely sniffled a lot instead, and swiped angrily at her face with the handkerchief. "I am so, so, very sorry," she whispered. "It is a very frightening prospect, having ruined one's life before one is even twenty years old. I have not fully adjusted to the idea yet."
"Is your life ruined?" he asked.
She shrugged a little. "I cannot see how it could not be."
"They know nothing." The venom in his voice surprised her, enough that she looked up at him and could finally meet his eyes. "They do not know you the way I know you, or they would never say such things about you. You are not yet twenty? Miss Bennet, your whole life is before you, and you are not bound by the mistakes that you have made no matter how much any of the old ladies of the world might like to screech at you. You made mistakes; well, so does every other living person, and they aren't any better than you are. If they have made you feel like this, I would say they are quite a bit worse."
"But my reputation…"
"Your reputation is a little bit tarnished, I suppose, and you are the object of pity to those few of Lambton who have heard vague rumors, but that is all. Your sister and her husband have already forgiven you, and their concern for you is only that you are well." He hesitated. "Mr. Darcy has awarded me the living, provided that I can help to protect your reputation."
She stiffened. Of course, Mr. Darcy had promised to protect her, and he probably thought that he was doing her a favor in this. But it sounded so dreadful when he put it like that, and she could just imagine the gossip that must be spreading about her, and about how she forced her brother to impose on a clergyman he hardly knew. Her eyes burned uncomfortably, but she was too exhausted to cry again.
He paused and lifted his hand from hers. His fingers traced the line of her chin ever so gently. Kitty closed her eyes, ashamed at herself for how desperately she wished for him to continue. He could not possibly still want to marry her. Could she bear being married to a man who'd agreed to have her only because it secured him a living? She would release him, and allow him to take the living without the smear to his honor that marrying her would bring him. She could sacrifice that for his sake. She had to.
"I told them that I would be honored." Again he paused, and Kitty opened her eyes to stare at him. He was smiling. "I believe Mr. and Mrs. Darcy were expecting this, for they were halfway to bundling me up and sending me out after you that very afternoon. But I was there to accept the living and Colonel Fitzwilliam called us to task."
"I am sure they will give you the living either way. I do not imagine that my brother could be so cruel as to deny it to you, when you are such a worthy candidate."
This show of her good opinion of him elicited a broad grin which spread across his face in a wondering way that Kitty felt was perhaps the handsomest thing she had ever seen. He was such a good man, such a kind man, such a wonderful friend and she determined right then and there that she would go live with Lizzy at Pemberley as soon as she could, so that she could always be near him. The scandal at Lambton was nothing if it meant that she could maintain this precious friendship. Even if she had ruined all chance at it becoming anything more than a precious friendship, Kitty knew that she could not deny herself this, too. Her life would be bearable after all. They could go on walks together and she would hear him preach every Sunday. That had to be acceptable.
"I am glad that you approve of his choice," Mr. Knott said. "Do you think you should like it there?"
"Pemberley is a beautiful house, and I would be happy to go back to Derbyshire," she said, wondering how he had guessed at her thoughts.
The agitation from that long ago day in the ruins of the monastery reappeared in his manner, and he dropped his hand to her side. The other hand still clutched hers, though, and Kitty did not wish to take it back. A wild, mad little hope fluttered up from the ruins of her twisted stomach, and she fought to smash it down. She could not ruin his life by marrying him.
"Miss Bennet, I…" He stopped, coughed, and tried again. And failed again. He threw up his hands, finally dropping hers, and Kitty pushed it back against her stomach. "I am such a coward!" he finally managed to say, and stood up and started pacing the room.
Kitty stood as well, though she did not know how she could help him. "You are not a coward," she said.
"But I am! Miss Bennet, do you know, I have been longing to speak to you for months; I have regretted not saying to you what was on my heart so long ago, when I last took my leave of you, and yet when I am here, and you are before me at last, all the pretty speeches and declarations that I had thought up for this very moment have fled me entirely." He shook his head and laughed a little, a bitter sound which Kitty had never heard from him before. "I am entirely undone and I have no idea how to proceed. Please; you cannot mistake my meaning, my intent, only I am too lost to know how say it."
She was trembling again and she felt her share of his terror, but she could not let him leave her again without knowing; if there was some small hope; if she could have the desire of her heart after all… "Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Knott, that you love me?" she said in a very small whisper.
"Love you! Good God, Catherine Bennet, if I loved you any more I think I would die of it."
Though she had begun to hope, hearing it was an entirely different matter. Suddenly the tears that had abandoned her before returned in full force.
He came to her side in an instant, apologizing for everything, and through her tears and the hysterics she could feel threatening her at the back of her mind, she forced herself to respond. "Do not apologize; never apologize; for heaven's sake, Mr. Knott, you have nothing to be sorry for!" She managed to push him away and composed herself a little, but her overwhelming emotions were fighting to take control again and none of them knew which should be first. "Please, don't be sorry. I am not angry or sad or distressed over that, it is only that I thought…" She took a deep, shuddering breath. "I thought there was no chance of you loving me after everything I had done. I thought it must be impossible. I am only overcome with my own relief." She still had his handkercheif, and she swiped at her face with it in a rather unladylike manner. "I did not know my feelings the last time; I would not have been able to answer you the way you wished, had you been able to say it then. But I know now that a world in which I do not have your friendship, at least, is a word in which I do not wish to live."
"You have my heart entirely," he said, still standing a few paces away from her. "Whether or not you want it, it is yours."
"But I do want it! Only I should not take it."
"Why not?"
"Because it would destroy your living! Think, Mr. Knott! If you and I were to marry, and to go back to Watercress Hill, where I am suspected to be, if not known to be, a loose woman of no morals, how could they respect you? How could they treat you as a congregation should when you have married a woman that they cannot respect? How could I do that to you?" She shook her head. "What frightens me most is that there was a time when I would have done it without thinking of it, and in the process I very probably would have ruined your happiness forever. I know better now and I will not make that mistake."
"Kitty…" He took a step forward, but she shook her head again.
"I have decided that, when I am of age and can make my home where I choose, I will ask to live with the Darcys at Pemberley. I could be your friend, Mr. Knott. That would not be so very improper, would it? We could go on our long walks together like we used to, and it would not be improper for a ruined woman to seek the counsel of the rector, would it?"
His ears started to turn red. "It would be miserably improper for a man to maintain a friendship of that sort with a woman he loves and never marry her," he said, his voice quiet and severe. "And I will have no part of it."
Kitty sank back onto the sofa behind her. The entire world was once again bleak and colorless, and so much the worse for the brief moments of hope that had illuminated it. "Then, there is no hope for us. I shall remain at Longbourn forever."
"There is every hope for us if you will stop being so foolish and agree to marry me!"
"I can't! You haven't asked me!" she said, and the absurdity of it all hit her at once and she giggled.
He raised both eyebrows and came and stood before her. "Very well, since you insist on mistaking my meaning, I will be plain. Miss Catherine Bennet, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife, no matter what a couple of stupid old women in Watercress, or Lambton, or Meryton, or anywhere else stupid old women can be found, might say about it?"
Kitty still did not know if she would be able to bear it, if she was the reason that the world did not respect him. She hesitated, toying with the fringe on the pillow beside her. In front of her, Mr. Knott still stood, and she could hear his breathing grow harsher as he waited for her answer. She finally looked up at him, and took a deep breath. "Yes," she whispered.
Never fear, there are still a couple more chapters to wrap up the loose ends. I'm excited to hear what you think of Mr. Knott's actual proposal, though! He had a heck of a time actually saying the words, poor guy.