Book 5: Humanity

by Freedom0153

Korra wanted peace after defeating Kuvira. Then life happened. During her Spirit World vacation, an unlikely gift from an old friend caused a great rift between many spirits and humans. Even conflict with the Earth Empire wasn't over, Kuvira's surrender opening a vacuum. To restore balance, Korra needs any allies she can get, finding her growing love for Asami giving Korra peace.

55. Chapter 55: Leaves in the Wind

Chapter 55 : Leaves in the Wind

Staring at the ceiling idly beneath the covers, having just recently woken up and been told where her father was, slightly tired for reasons she couldn't understand after having gotten to bed early the night before, Ursa felt frustrated with something other than her body for once - still ignoring her self-imposed hunger. Remembering how she had tried, tried so hard to remember what her dream was, trying to figure out why her mother couldn't wake her in time to leave, Ursa grew even more frustrated, yelling, "Stupid dream I can't even remember - I wanted to go with dad! Do something, against… him! Do something that matters!"

All her life, she'd brushed up against chances to help people, and had almost always done so, to the best of her ability, even if she felt like it was never enough, she wasn't enough, hoping to find validation by having a much bigger impact - but this opportunity seemed to her by far the most important. Helping her father, the vast majority of the rest of the Republic's military, and the band of misfits against the Earth Empire - even including Equalists, of all people - Ursa felt like she'd missed the chance of a lifetime. The rumors she heard about Jinshu Kuangmai - both official and unofficial, her father Hideki being more in the loop than anyone not in the United Republic Army, much less an officer in it - made her skin crawl.

She had been up close and personal with evil before, from pleading with Amon face-to-mask as a scared twelve-year old girl four years ago, wanting to keep her bending, some part of her thinking with self-disgust, "That's not true - don't you remember? Anything, at all?" Shrugging the errant thought off, remembering her attempt to help back then as just pitiful floundering, she returned to her original train of thought. Evil. From Amon, to - along with the other evacuees under a week ago - watching Kuvira stomp around her home in a giant metal monster from the safety of the mountains, hoping her father wouldn't get hurt and that there would be something left to go home to. Just an ordinary citizen, Ursa had been powerless to do anything but watch… hoping that home would be free when she went back - not under a tyrant's rule. But listening to a tearful Shiro Shinobi announce his likely permanent retirement from radio announcer, wanting to help the great technical minds of the world in any way he could after his family's likely grisly demise, punishment for not committing suicide at Jinshu Kuangmai's sick order and vanishing quietly into the night, then listening to Avatar Korra's press conference the next day, how Jinshu Kuangmai had killed his unnamed inner child seemingly…

At least Amon had wanted equality between benders and nonbenders. But Amon had gone about it in the wrong way, ignoring other inequalities along the way - such as between the rich like his ally Hiroshi Sato, and the poor, like Mako and Bolin. Unalaq had wanted the spirits to return to their world - Ursa liking to think he had been corrupted by Vaatu, not wanting to try and fathom a human selling their soul to such a being willingly, actually aiming to become a Dark Avatar. Zaheer had wanted freedom - and anarchy, willing to kill to get them both, and not caring about the fallout after, or what he did to Avatar Korra. While the Avatar was incapacitated , recovering, Kuvira had wanted to restore stability and order to the Earth Kingdom - only to do it in the most horrible way she could have, the only person of the four to have "pulled a Zuko" partially to Ursa's knowledge. Thinking a little, Ursa realized she wasn't entirely right - Hirsho Sato, while a traitor to Republic City four years ago, had still given his life for Republic City in the end. The others, however… Amon and Unalaq - dead, likely both in the Fog of Lost Souls. Zaheer - the sole unyielding survivor of the superpower that had been the Red Lotus - or so Ursa hoped, media coverage about the mop-up after Zaheer's defeat having seemed… odd and scant to her. At least Zaheer had helped Avatar Korra overcome her block on his attempt on her life in the name of stopping a shared foe, Kuvira. But what she heard, read of Jinshu Kuangmai… there was nothing redeeming about him.

Zuko's name bringing to mind her own namesake, Ursa of the Fire Nation, and Jinshu Kuangmai's possible nature, the first Ursa's brat and wannabe tyrant daughter Azula, Ursa found herself wondering if the citizens of the Earth Kingdom had "deserved" what Kuvira did - a punishment for their… beyond animalistic behavior three years ago. Rioting, looting, killing… Ursa mused out loud, "Azula. I wonder what was her problem - or if she was just evil, like I think Jinshu Kuangmai is. Wanted to have a miniature genocide for a dinner party…" grumbling, "Stupid dream… UGH, I wanted to go help stop him!" adding, "I… I still feel powerless! Not even a leaf in the wind - dust. All these people running the world, or those with exceptional skill and talent, granted gifts like blood-iron bending and wasting them… the world's not fair!" Trying to think of something positive - which was usually not very easy - Ursa was surprised when an answer came quickly, saying, "I'm just glad Avatar Korra and Raava didn't accidentally start the Spirit Civil War back then after the Earth Queen's death," returning to "normal" by thinking glumly, "Jinshu Kuangmai's not the only villain running around - Long Yumao. If Raava had given her little gift back then… I'd probably be dead, or slaving - "

Ursa shook her head, sitting up slightly and looking at two of her favorite objects, saying as she remembered a little bit more about her past, "No - I'd never be a slave! I fought once. I'd rather die…" With pride and a slight smile, she looked at her one-handed yanmaodao sword hanging from the large spiritvine that ran upwards through her room. Or rather, leaning against the vine by the sword's tip, handle and glacier blue and bonfire yellow tassels attached to its end touching the floor - she had tried putting tacks into the vine soon after it had "joined" the family and her middle-class apartment complex a few days after Harmonic Convergence; the bruises on her dark skin from the vine reacting like a living being had taken a week to go away. Some irritating part of her thought, "Those bruises… It'd probably have been worse if I didn't have so much 'shielding' and big bones! If I wasn't me, that thing would have broken my arm!"

Ursa laughed, thinking, "Wish I could just… shut these things up!" Remembering the last time she had tried shutting a part of herself up, except much more justifiably but obsessively, Ursa re-focused, saying, "Then again, maybe not. Don't want a repeat of two years ago," thinking, "At least I came out better for it, and learned not to push my luck." Remembering her earlier derisive thoughts towards the people of the Earth Kingdom and how she thought they needed to be taught a lesson for their rioting and looting, having wondered why they did it in the first place, she remembered something else - her parents and Nana telling her she needed to stop her quest for self-purification a few years ago. After a deep sigh, Ursa finally realized the meaning behind something Nana had told her, when Ursa asked her why she had to learn things herself - "It doesn't matter how many times other people have learned it, sweetie - some things, we just have to learn for ourselves, through pain and suffering. And even after you've learned it, the 'problem' never really goes away. Everyone's set of 'problems' is different - they're a part of what makes each one of us unique."

She'd learned herself that humans were yin and yang; to try and get rid of one half or the other was a fool's errand. She had thought she could crush yin, darkness, like the bug it was after winning "enough", and be done with it for life - but she was wrong, finding some solace when she thought, "Even Raava cannot crush Vaatu." Remembering how Kuvira's transformative experience had been described by Avatar Korra at the press conference, Kuvira shattering her doppler into a million metal shards with "brute force", Ursa found herself hoping Kuvira knew this truth Ursa had learned the hard way - the former dictator was unlikely to be free from struggle yet - and possibly never would be.

Returning to the present, Ursa smiled to see a more palatable representation of yin and yang - instead of a symbol of the inextricably intertwined nature of light and dark, instead as two parts of one whole, complementing one another. Just as the blue and orange yin yang symbol near the handle of her yanmaodao's blade did - reminders of her dual heritage, fire and water, lightning and ice. After one last look at the Fire Nation accurate sword her father had helped her make after the Equalist crisis, wanting to be able to fight even without bending, Ursa said, pushing down some unpleasant memories, "If Raava and Avatar Korra had started it… and lost the Spirit Civil War, back then, when bandits and Kuvira ruled the Earth Kingdom… I'd probably have gone down defending someone," as she looked at the Water Tribe style shield her mother helped her make shortly after her sword. Though, like the sword, the shield was modified from what a "normal" woman warrior of either culture might use - she was taller than the average woman by a good three to four inches, realizing with a smile she was an inch taller than the Avatar, Avatar Korra clocking in at five foot seven. Ursa was… a bit of an Avatar admirer, making it her business to know as much as she could about Avatar Korra and the Avatar in general, having been overjoyed to learn all the Avatar's past lives were back - wondering for a brief second if any of Raava's past human "partners" had been like Ursa. Dancing around thinking it, some part of her said, "You're just plus-sized - and I'm sure an Avatar was too!" grumbling lowly, saying out loud, "Goody-two shoes is almost as annoying as the other one," crying a little in frustration when the same part told her, "If you wouldn't be so negative… your CONSCIENCE wouldn't be annoying!"

Internally knowing her conscience to be right, Ursa pushed the goody-two shoes off - as she almost always did, when it nagged her to be nicer to herself. Thoughts of the Avatar bringing up an old desire, one in direct contradiction to the small messages to accept herself, Ursa still wanted to look like her, suddenly not caring if there had been a "big-boned" Avatar anymore. Ursa sighed, remembering something else she had in common with the Avatar. Even if Ursa was too big, her fat and occasional folds still hid an immense physical strength - along with her bending, strength she had used before to defend the weak, never lashing out at her own bullies.

Some part of her was tempted to get up and play with the two weapons. She smiled slightly, but stopped after she thought dejectedly, "What's the point? People told me I was crazy for wanting them given I'm a firebender - and people running around with spirit weapons doesn't make it any better! The mocking on about her " truly useless" weapons the way back from the refugee camp was especially bad, after Kuvira used her thing, to…"

Looking away from the weapons, Ursa sighed as she imagined a small spirit weapon beam reducing both her sword and metal shield to slag - as the explosion had done very close to home; a few more blocks, and her apartment complex would have been toast, a few minutes of walking and flamejetting around enough to bring her to the crater. Ursa frowned, saying as she thought again of her more unique belongings being useless, "I've been able to stop little bad things from happening - but never anything really big," grumping, "Wish I had all four elements, or a big corporation to do stuff with," saying as a tear rolled down her cheek, "I guess I never really never totally got over my depression. Still feel like I'm just a drop in an endless sea…"

"So negative. Feel like the insignificant gnat you are. Hah… maybe I'm not so down after all. Keep on ignoring that other little voice - you'll never get the body you want if you listen to it."

Ursa's eyes widened, not daring to speak in case her mother, little sister Buniq or Nana were snooping, thinking with concern, "That thought… her. Oh, man… I haven't heard… that in a long time!" Flopping back down onto the bed, noticing on her bedside clock it was still very early in the morning and feeling tired, Ursa reminded herself of something else she had learned before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep. Something she had learned trying to figure out why people were bad at the young age of twelve after her brush with Amon, his hypocritical words and ideology disturbing a powerless twelve-year old, the start of her own relatively mild spiritual journey: "Sometimes, when light is coming, darkness interferes," smiling as she remembered aloud, "The dying gasp."

As she fell asleep, randomly wishing she were normal, thin, a stray thought passed through her mind: "A spiritual journey that started when you were born, started in earnest when you beat your depression - a journey that will continue forever, just like Kuvira's - but so much further along," too tired to protest internally - knowing deep down the "annoying" thought was right anyways. As they usually were - almost like an internal version of her parents and Nana…

Dreaming of what life would be like thin anyways, not questioning the dream's internal logic when it showed her eating as she usually did, the good feelings only heightened when an unseen person said, "I wish I could eat like that! She's always had such a fast metabolism!"

Hoping the hazy dream would never end, Ursa idly noticed her hands and then the rest of her eventually returned to normal size as she ate - though in this strange dream, she didn't feel full. Only pleasure. Ursa felt a deep peace suffuse her being when she heard what she assumed was an older version of herself say from behind her, "You're still beautiful - we're still beautiful. Please. Love yourself."

Deciding to follow the direction, inhibitions not present, the peace intensified as something about the dream shifted, almost feeling real somehow. Ursa REALLY wished the now clear dream would never end. It wasn't the food she liked the most - it was this… sense of peace, contentment, noticing it remained even when she… chose to go do other things? Ursa had never had a dream like this before! It almost seemed like she was in control of her actions! Visiting the table again, sitting down after feeling hungry, she noticed she didn't change any after eating more, eventually feeling full and stopping - not having felt any sense of fullness before while asleep. Ever.

Resting her hands on her stomach, for once not feeling ashamed of it partially blocking her view of the rest of her body, she actually strummed her fingers on her stomach, smiling as she said, "I wish I could feel like this all the time - peace. Contentment." Leaning back, she didn't mind the chair's creaking protest - this feeling…

She recognized it as the feeling she had fleetingly felt while fighting her internal strife, but… so much more at the same time. Love. Except not for others - for herself.

Something that was to her not even a faded memory…

Time passing seemingly without meaning, the dream eventually did end when the extra uneaten cookies in front of her morphed into angular, metallic United Republic of Nations insignias. Shortly after, the partially eaten VarriCake in front of her morphed into a radio. Ursa nonsensically heard her father's voice come through the radio, Hideki's voice saying from a spot that had a second ago been frosting, "Hello, this is Paternal Unit One, over. Uh, hello - you usually find that funny! Ursa, can you hear me? URSA? Are you okay - we never did figure out what was wrong with you - why you wouldn't wake up! I hope Nana was right to say just to let you be…"

By the time her father's voice had finished, Ursa's eyes were open, suppressing an urge to go and look in the mirror and see if the first part of the dream was real when she heard her father's voice ask, "Am I just overreacting? You asleep, Big Bear?" over an actual radio on her bedside. Feeling slightly cranky, the dream's feeling not having carried over to her deep disappointment, Ursa responded "YES" without thinking, apologizing, "Uh - sorry, dad. Didn't mean to yell," adding indignantly, "That's not to say I'm not annoyed. Can't you just call me, I don't know, Strong Bear? You know I hate that nickname! Kids at school called me 'Bear Butt' because of it, and, well… you know." Ursa grumbled when her father laughed, "You know as well as I do it's not about your build, rather about your heart," smiling when his voice continued, "Didn't know you could sleep talk - technically you told me you were asleep earlier. Well, anyways, I'm glad to know you're well enough to be snarky," her ears perking up when he finished, "We're just now leaving United Republic Territory, and should be arriving at the Great Divide in about an hour. Maybe more. Still can't believe our commander in chief President Raiko came with us. Never really struck me as a war leader… Enough about him. You feeling better?"

Ursa finally got up from her bed, reminding herself there weren't any prying eyes in her room to see her without clothes on as she picked up the receiver, saying, "Pretty much." Able to remember her last dream a lot more clearly than the ones earlier, Ursa told her father the basics, still adding at the end, "I'm not telling mom, my little sister Buniq or Nana though! They'd never let me hear the end of it." Ursa admitted with sadness in her voice when she looked down, automatically feeling like a horrible failure just because of her big belly, oversized thighs, and well… everything else: "Not to mention outside of there I don't feel that way yet…" letting out a half laugh, half groan when her father joked, "Then why'd you tell me then? You got my hopes up." Remembering her father might see combat, possibly against people with spirit weapons, Ursa tried to remain strong at first, saying, "Forget my dreams. There anything I can do, dad? I missed the reinforcements leaving," breaking up when her father said, "No, no - don't forget that dream. Hold onto it - build from it. Please. Maybe there is something wrong - normally you'd be obsessing over it, analyzing it," Ursa sniffing as he continued, "Just… be you. I know you're smart - that you know this might be the last time you hear my voice. Just remember - you'll always have me inside."

Sadness still welling up inside her, as well as rage, Ursa said, "O-okay… just… be careful, please!" adding, "I love you!"

Her father returned the sentiment over a loud voice saying, "Hideki, get over here, please! We've got refugees incoming - wait - is that a defector?! What in the name of… holding BLUEPRINTS? Looks like a whole family…" Sounding much more urgent now, the voice continued, "Officer Hideki, your General needs you. I'm sorry, but your daughter can wait!" After a slight protest followed by a long pause, what Ursa now recognized as General Iroh II's voice said, "I know the importance of family - but I need you over here, Officer Hideki. I needn't remind you how you earned your position - humble, like your daughter, except less extreme. You're paid well for a reason, after all. Even the Earth Empire defectors can hardly believe what our new friend brought, Baatar Jr. the only one getting it," the radio falling silent after.

Deciding that her father could handle whatever it was and that more defectors could only be good news, she decided to examine the dream - wondering why she hadn't before. More than the peace that came along with letting go of inhibition, something Ursa knew she couldn't do entirely - she did have a weight issue she needed to keep under some control, after all - Ursa remembered the mature Ursa's words: "You're still beautiful - we're still beautiful. Please. Love yourself." Puzzling over part of it, Ursa asked no one, setting the radio down, " 'We're still beautiful'? Huh? We? What in the blazes is THAT supposed to mean?" Remembering how the dream had been downright bizarre towards the end, Ursa almost able to direct it somehow, realizing she had gotten "full" in the dream at the same point she might have in the real world, she shrugged, saying, "Probably spirit shenanigans. Just like this vine here," frowning as she added, "Spirit shenanigans. Just like Warmwings leaving town a few days ago," smiling again when she realized something, adding, "With the blue lines on her wings, white spots on her fur… she must have been going to fight Long Yumao, just like she said!"

Ursa sighed all the same - even if Warmwings was with the other resident dragonfly bunny spirits helping in the Spirit World… the spirit was still one of her only friends, and she had missed her over the past few days. Some mystery version of herself and her family might be telling her to love herself… But the way she saw it, what she remembered… Aside from her family, Warmwings, a shared family friend Renshi - who was also not with her father right now, being one of the metalbender cops asked to stay in Republic City and uphold the law - and her own personal friend Lee-Lee, most of the world had a… different message for her. That she wasn't enough, different, an outsider, an object of derision. Some had called her what was wrong with Republic City - for two different reasons. The first group much smaller than the others - at least people were open-minded about different cultures here, even if Ursa herself was… unusual looking. Being a firebender, jet black wavy hair and golden eyes and all, along with having the dark skin of someone from the Northern Water Tribe like her mother Panik and her grandmother Nuniq - though everyone in the family called her Nana - would have been enough reason for kids to tease her…

Without her body.

Her body, or rather the fact there was way too much Ursa on it, just sealed her fate on the Republic City schoolyards and classrooms. Now that she was legally an adult, 16, no longer in school didn't help any at all - she still got the assorted nasty calls on the streets. What some called "decadent and disgusting," some people guilt tripping her for "stealing food" during the ongoing crisis in the former Earth Kingdom.

By now having worked herself into a thorough funk, Ursa passed by her sword and shield, grumbling under her breath, "Even training with those has only helped so much," remembering that before the Equalist crisis motivating her to learn to fight without bending four years ago, she had been what her mother called "adorably chubby", Nana swearing up and down that's what she looked like when she was young. Ursa groaned when she remembered Nana's nickname for her, her grandmother thinking "Little Seal" was a compliment. Looking around her room, she spotted a school photo dating shortly before Amon's temporary rule of Republic City. Ursa picked it up, looking at her then relatively heavier form, ignoring the fact that she was smiling in the photo as she said, "Twelve. Just look at me. Two years into puberty, and I had boobs bigger than some of my older classmates - but not in the good way." Remembering a time her Nana had simply called her "My Sad Seal", Ursa looked at a younger photo of herself dating two years prior, saying, "Ten years old, and I was chubbier, trying to eat away depression. Seal, indeed. Wow - I guess I have made some progress," frowning as she rubbed her overly wide hips, saying as she looked at her ten year old self again, "Not that I don't want to lose more - but I don't want to know what I'd look like now if I hadn't started training two years after… that photo."

Still looking at the photo, vaguely remembering there was one photo that fell chronologically in between was missing, Ursa sighed deeply, putting the photo she did have back on her shelf. Not having a clue if her little sister happened to be up at almost 5:30 in the morning, she decided to try and stay quiet - she loved her little sister a lot, probably more than she loved herself, but one of the ways Buniq had of showing concern for "Big Sis Ursa" annoyed her to no end, and was not in the mood for a lecture from Nana or her mother.

Looking back at the photos for some reason, Ursa's eyes wandered back and forth in time, her eyes settling on the most recent photo showing her celebrating the end of school and, at the time - she thought - bullies with her close friend Lee-Lee. Smiling at the irony, she picked up the photo, saying, " 'Bear Butt' and 'Lee the Lanky'… totally different, but so much alike." Ursa was fairly overweight to be charitable, what many called obese, the ruder girls pointing out she was far away from just overweight. Obese. Just thinking the word made Ursa cringe, remembering it was something her classmates had always made sure to point out was a "new class" of weight invented just for "Republic City richkid fatasses" like herself by doctors. Doctors unfamiliar with the "full range" of Water Tribe body builds or even their historybooks of other nations, according to her grandmother - who her own mother sometimes reminded Ursa she was a lot alike, "Water Tribe" body build and all. Looking back at her ten-year old self, she smiled sourly, saying, "Sorry, Nana, mom - 'they' were definitely right about that one. That wasn't healthy," giving a photo of her grandmother a quick look, idly wondering to herself how someone who was heavier than herself had lived to 75 - old enough to have seen Sozin's Comet, though just as a baby. Nana did remember seeing some of Firelord Ozai's use of Sozin's Comet as a little girl decades ago when her parents brought her from the Northern Water Tribe - Wulong Forest's still charred remains, the scattered wreckage of the airship fleet intended to burn the Earth Kingdom to the ground…

Pretty sure she'd hear Nana's voice start babbling about "natural Water Tribe insulation" in her head if she looked at her picture any longer, Ursa looked back at her own picture - her celebratory, definitely not romantic night on the town with Lee-Lee. She smirked, saying bitterly, "Mix the two of us, you'd have someone normal - too bad we never worked out." Lee-Lee was an extremely wiry nonbender technophile who, while he did have a hidden physical strength just like Ursa, never defended himself against bullying in school, even though he was taller than normal. Again, much like her - but yet, totally different. He was currently just a little shorter than one of his two idols, Tenzin, and Ursa wasn't sure if Lee-Lee was done growing just yet either. Or herself, for that matter - though the only growth aside from more fat she'd likely get was in her legs, mumbling, "Yeah - like that'd help all the me up here," gesturing to her upper body, some crude part of her thinking, "At least the weight makes my bust big." Ursa smiled slightly as she said out loud, "Well, bigger," remembering Nana had once commented she hadn't looked as good as Ursa did in her youth there. Thoughts of Water Tribe bringing someone else to mind, Ursa remembered that Lee-Lee's other idol was Varrick, even though he had met the magnate once and he hadn't given Lee-Lee the time of day for one of her lanky friend's many ideas. It was a stark contrast to the time he met Tenzin, who had told Lee-Lee he thought the younger boy had the heart of an airbender after hearing a little about his schoolyard days. Long after the new airbenders came around, of course - Lee-Lee not having gotten anything, Ursa half wondering if it was "because" of something. She had been very sad when he didn't get anything, much more an airbender at heart than that madman Zaheer… Thinking of such things, she remembered that even Tenzin's wife Pema had not gotten anything, saying, "Guess the Universe isn't just unfair to 'little people' like me and Lee-Lee," some nasty part of her thinking, "You - little? Hah! Lee-Lee's the skinny one."

Ursa sighed, remembering that she and Lee-Lee were friends - nothing more. They had met when she was a year younger than her "heaviest" - which Ursa now remembered with a frown was the product of her first brush with depression. Lasted a whole year, maybe more, as far as she could remember… Looking at the photo again, she felt disgusted with herself. A lone tear ran down her cheek, crying as another joined it, "Maybe Buniq is right… I was just ten, trying to fill something… I am being my own bully," feeling a little fleeting bit of what she had felt in her dream as she did so. The self-love… Looking away from the photo, Ursa smiled when she saw how happy both she and Lee-Lee looked in the photo, remembering how they met.

When she was nine, already having put herself physically in between bullies and their prey, she was just starting to master the finer points of firebending, including lightning generation under her father's tutelage. Lee-Lee was being bullied by someone twice his age who had escaped his special remedial section, one of the Republic City school system's "holdbacks" - students with behavioral problems, or who couldn't - in some cases, wouldn't - answer what two plus two was correctly. The bully, an 18-year old defiant muscular earthbending and metalbending hunk of anger named Xin Fu after what he claimed was his "awesome" ancestor, was getting exceptionally rough with Lee-Lee, even the schoolyard monitor and security unable to break him off. At that point, Ursa hadn't tried zapping someone with lightning - yet. She had known she wasn't a match for the towering delinquent physically - but she had something he didn't. Lightning.

Remembering what her defense of Lee-Lee had earned her, even though the hypocritical schoolyard monitor had been yelling for help, Ursa looked at her framed first detention paper with a smile, chuckling, "I didn't get any more papers after that - not that I stopped doing it, though," saying with a grin, "I was just a lot smarter about it." Vaguely remembering something else she had earned, something Ursa did not have framed, she returned to the present - or rather, thinking about the past. Xin Fu twitching slightly for a whole twenty minutes before recovering had earned her something she didn't know she'd need later - a degree of respect. After another bully "stuck his finger in an electrical socket trying to fish out a yuan stuffed in it" after the next time another "weakling" was being roughed up, nobody threatened herself, Lee-Lee or any other outcasts physically when she was around…

Remembering what kind of hurt still came through, emotional hurt lingering far longer than any bruise, Ursa sighed, doing a double-take after the thought, "Long Yumao. Maybe humanity does deserve enslavement… or some of them, anyways," drifted through her mind, reminding herself internally, "I cannot control what I think - all I can control is what I do."

Looking at the photo of her and Lee-Lee having the first drinks of their lives in celebration again, she frowned, saying, "And I certainly can't control what others do, or don't do. Sometimes, I can't even control myself," laughing bitterly, "Though, big as I might be, not as bad as I have heard Admiral Zhao was. Rather overeat than burn everything. Hotheaded idiot…" She had first started dating Lee-Lee when she was fourteen and him the same age, after overcoming what she hoped were the last of her personal Dark Spirits, but she had eventually broken up with him on as good as terms as possible, their last date a bit over six months ago. Really, they were both to blame, when she was honest. Even scheduling, one out of three dates, he'd decline because he was either close to the ever-elusive breakthrough on his tinkering, or wanted to eat somewhere else to try and bulk up, somewhere Ursa and even the rest of her family had declared off-limits to themselves, her father joining out of solidarity - a buffet. One out of three dates she'd decline because she either felt like she was thiiiiiis close to coming up with a foolproof diet and exercise regimen, or was feeling particularly self-conscious that night for whatever reason, her mother chalking it up to nervousness and the hormones of puberty. Lee-Lee had been most annoyed when she komodo chickened out because she was afraid of what people would think of her; she had been most annoyed when he was clueless and suggested going to a buffet.

That still left a third of their dates, though. The dates they had gone on were good, but at a year and a half, it was obvious they were just meant to be friends. Both his and her mother and father claimed at the time they both needed to work out their own issues before finding romantic love. Remembering one of her other idol's mishaps with love, Ursa found herself doubting this, saying, "Asami Sato wasn't 'over' her problem when she talked to Avatar Korra!"

Looking at her family and memorial pictures, Ursa found her eyes caught by her earliest photos - her first, second and third birthday photos especially. She had never really paid them much mind - just something her Nana had insisted be in every room, along with pictures of Ursa's younger sister, Buniq. Looking at what she thought was a picture of a three-year old Buniq, Ursa oohed and awed, finding her little sister's pudginess cute and adorable - unlike her little sister's water splashing harassment and unconnected tattle-telling whenever she overheard Ursa "being her own meanie".

Looking at the picture again, Ursa noticed something was off about Buniq's hair and possibly the color of her eyes as well. Ursa wasn't sure at all why Buniq's eyes looked light, or why her black hair flowed like Ursa's own and not straight like Buniq's. Her sister Buniq Water Tribe through and through, bending in line with appearance, Ursa was confused to see the symbol for Fire behind her sister.

Ursa's eyes darted down - nearly fainting when she saw a metal plaque on the bottom of the frame that read, "Our first child, Ursa, age three - our world. May good things come your way."

Feeling a sensation she had hoped she'd never feel again, a familiar electricity gripped Ursa's forehead, the nasty thought, "NO… Ignore that! Both of you - err, us, fat freaks!" skittering through her mind, accompanied by the same pain she had felt two years ago - also, four years before that when breaking out of her depression...

Knowing she'd accomplish nothing by worrying anyone - for now - Ursa screamed internally, "I MIGHT NOT LOVE MYSELF, BUT NOBODY CALLS MY LITTLE SISTER FAT!" feeling chilled when she got an actual response, though only as a concept, again much like years ago: "Goood."

Looking back and forth between her own toddler picture and Buniq's, Ursa broke down crying, feeling faint, thinking, "I… I've let them…" her thoughts cut off by a painful surge.

Blinking her eyes open, feeling a strong peace, Ursa felt confused when she heard something out of the edge of her vision hissed, "All I wanted gone - so little. My master says it worked on Korra - why not you?!" feeling as though something vile had crawled back into her a split second later. Some memory returning, as well as memory of something that felt completely bonkers as well, Ursa grasped at straws, successfully catching something: her theory about a "dark half" you could interact with was not a theory. She knew this much from the press conferences. What she hadn't known… the Avatar herself had dealt with something similar too, besides the recent stuff with Dark Korra! Except… her memory had been wiped? A while ago…? Glimpsing a little more, remembering her own past fights, Ursa actually laughed, saying, "Whatever happened to Avatar Korra, it seemed like a first for her… I've dealt with this kind of crap before. Go bother someone else," feeling like a fool when she remembered it was her dark half - and could bother no one else.

Still smiling, glad to not hear any patter of feet, Ursa stood up from the floor. Trying to remember what she wanted to say, she clenched her fists in anger, breathing heavily after something passed through her mind that came off as some kind of small gloating. Small, but still gloating. Looking at the floor, seeing both her and her sister's three-year old picture lying face-down, Ursa picked them up, saying, "No, no! Don't be broken - well… at least there's more of them," noticing with a smile that neither one was damaged. Looking back and forth between the two, Ursa smiled slightly, saying, "We look a lot alike," actually intending to stand in front of the mirror to just look at her body - not judge it.

She wanted to know better what her sister might look like someday, after all.

Feeling the pain return with a vengeance, Ursa gritted her teeth, thinking, "Need Avatar Korra's help again - if she has time for me. Restored my bending four years ago - maybe she can help here," something that wasn't fully her yet very familiar continuing, "If she has time for just some random person like me…" Walking over to the mirror in her room, she stubbed her toe on something close to it, grumbling, "Mrrgmfrrfmming square hard thing!" once she recognized what she had hit her foot on - the scale. Her second-most hated foe behind her… annoying half.

Remembering she had been subsisting on refugee food for a little over a week and a half, having only returned to Republic City three to four days ago, busying herself with firebending and sword and shield training, Ursa stepped on it. Not out of wanting to beat herself up - more out of curiosity, reminding herself, "Muscle weighs more than fat". Looking ahead at the wall, she rolled her eyes slightly at her weight log, chuckling more out of laughter than bitterness, "I guess it is sort of pathetic - my height's not changed from 5 foot eight, obviously - didn't bother recording that after my first period recently. I did have a long run, growing up and out, but… I'm probably done now with the up. Unless I'm really lucky, no more growth up for me, maybe in the legs a bit… but the other part? My weight's not changed from between 265, 270 pounds for almost a - "

"Hear say 'pounds'… Big sis? You being meanie you? AGAIN? Bad! Tell Nana!"

For once, Ursa could answer he little sister Buniq truthfully, saying, "No, I'm not," finding it a strain to speak normally when she said, ignoring a pain surge in her head, "I'm just laughing at how stupid it was of me to record all this for so long." Getting nothing but silence, Ursa said more simply, "Laughing at weight chart," managing a weak, pained smile when Buniq said happily, "Okay!"

Hearing the door creak slightly, knowing her little sister had likely just entered the room, Ursa made to shoo her out, instead turning to her and asking, "You're up awfully early. Is momma up?" Buniq shaking her head, her little sister said, "No, momma not up. Not Nana either. Woke up, not know why," looking sad as she finished, "Had dream Big Sis Ursa have trouble," Ursa beginning to lose her composure between the pain and what Buniq asked next, saying innocently, "Big sis look in mirror. Even stand on bad thing. Thing that tell you you 'too big'. That mean you… think you pretty? Like body?" Buniq's eyes lit up when she added, "Like what momma and Nana. Do you say. Say we both pretty?"

Not knowing the answer herself, Ursa stepped off the scale, hugging her little sister as she said, "I think you're beautiful. Myself…I don't know," Buniq seeming to understand when she said, "People were mean to me for a long time. I may have made a start. But to answer your question - I don't know yet."

Remembering from past experience the Ursa that was kneeling in her room hugging her little sister, the one living and breathing on earth, was as much her soul's dark half as the light half, yin and yang, Ursa only able to push it more one way than the other with her actions, Ursa arrived at a paradox. Feeling the fury of the electrical storm fade from her mind at the same time feeling an immense peace temporarily, Ursa felt she had managed to "appease" both halves of her at once - by being realistic in her assessments. Ursa said, still upsetting Buniq slightly, "I think I know the answer now. Little sister - I used to HATE my body, and according to our parents, be too hard on myself and not appreciate what good I've done. Not love me. Now, I just really dislike my body, and when I'm honest, the other is the same," tearing up as she finished, "Even the love part. I don't know why… Don't look sad, little sis. I have made a big advance. My mind's more open now, and I think I might be entering a new stage of growth."

Remembering what had inspired much of it, Ursa smiled broadly, saying, "Believe it or not, little sister, you were sort of the one who helped me. I was looking at what I thought was your most recent picture, saying it was cute, adorable - only to realize it was my picture," Buniq now smiling broadly, frowning slightly when Ursa finished, accentuating what she said with a deep hug, "It made me realize we're a lot alike - and I hope someday I'll love myself as much as I love you," sniffling slightly - remembering that what Ursa thought was her more mature self told her the exact same thing in the bizarre dream earlier.

Buniq crossed her pudgy arms after shoving Ursa away, Ursa sighing when Buniq said confidently, envying her innocence, "No - you need listen Nana, momma, dada! Love self! No understand not like self. You like me self. Love me. Why not like you self? I never not like self! Ever! World not change me! I change WORLD!" Ursa felt tempted to tell Buniq, "You'll understand when you grow up and meet more people - they really can be quite nasty, and even the Avatar has trouble changing things," instead smiling, saying as a tear rolled down her cheek, "I love you with all my heart, little sister - I hope you're right," ending up adding mournfully, "For your sake… I want you to be right." Buniq cocked her head to the side, asking, " 'Want' me be right - not me be right. Mean… I wrong?" Ursa said as Buniq looked ready to cry, trying to deflect her, "Look at this spirit vine here in the middle of my room. Remember Warmwings, before she left?" Ursa continued after Buniq nodded, saying, "Warmwings. Yaaaay!" Ursa saying, "We have Avatar Korra and the world changing her to thank for Warmwings. If Unalaq had never been bad, Avatar Korra changing her mind about the Spirit Portals, then there'd be no spirit buddies," feeling motherly, adding as she saw she had Buniq's undivided attention, "I'm afraid, little sister, not all change is good. As anyone grows up - even Avatar Korra, from what I've heard - you get these little bits and pieces of good and bad advice, good and bad people, good and bad everything. When you're young, you soak it up without a 'filter' - and if your environment is bad, sometimes in just a few ways but strongly so, you'll end up torn and wounded like I am, and… have to work through things that aren't your fault."

By now Buniq was crying, Ursa said gently, "You remember big sis bad time at all?" Buniq shook her head, saying, "No. Do remember mom and dad and Nana. Saying you had hard time. Come out better." When Buniq asked, "It true what they say. What you said. That without bad time. You not as good as person?" Ursa nodded and smiled, saying "Yes." Buniq seemed happier, saying without appreciating the irony, "Bad time can make better future. Maybe need bad time," Ursa pretty sure Buniq would get one whether she liked it or not, if she really was going to look so much like Ursa, aside from her straight hair and blue irises. Ursa hoped Buniq wouldn't have as fully bad time as she herself had - she wouldn't wish crushing depression on Jinshu Kuangmai…

Seeing more life than usual in her little sister's eyes, Ursa asked her to leave her room, surprised when she did so readily, thinking, "So cute… wish she'd start wearing clothes though. Wonder when she's going to stop running around like that," chuckling out loud, "My parents wonder the same thing about me." Ursa rolled her eyes as if talking to her mother, talking out loud, "My room - my business. Middle of the night in the hall or kitchen - whatever," chuckling slightly as she remembered aloud, "Shared hallway, running around near the elevator? Totally inappropriate," glad Buniq had stopped that, at least, Ursa blushing slightly to remember she really was a lot like her sister, having finally listened to mom and dad about that at the same age Buniq had - three.

All this thinking about the time before school and carefree childhood cheering up Ursa a bit, Ursa locked her door, initially tempted to throw on something and raid the fridge - all this emotion had drained her. And she was hungry, after all…

Crossing her arms over her breasts, looking down at the floor, Ursa had a weird sense of déjà vu, remembering another midnight "crisis" years before - and similar feeling of being drained. While Ursa had recently started another diet, even before the refugee camp, she still never deprived herself too bad, for once ignoring the stray thought of, "If you deprived yourself more, you'd lose!" - having been out dreaming and struggling with difficult things, she was hungry. Plus, they said milk was good to go to sleep on - and she had "used up" whatever extra rest she felt after waking up, hoping she'd get some sleep that was just as good as earlier soon. That dream...

Having initially intended to just go look at herself in the mirror, check and see if there was any more light in her eyes, she decided to give into temptation, quickly rummaging through her drawers, satisfied with just a large shirt and underwear, thinking, "Bra - pfft. Only women in the house right now anyways." Before leaving, Ursa turned out the lights in her room - she could make her own if needed, hoping Buniq had turned everything else off after going back to bed, Big Sis Ursa helped as best as the tyke could.

Finding herself in relative dark, Ursa snuck to the fridge, slowly creaking the door open. Looking around, she thought, "Good - nobody touched 'my' stuff tonight." Looking at her section, having subsisted on refugee food for over a week, temptation grew again - milk, VarriCake… two things she hadn't seen for a while.

Deciding if she was going to be "bad" she was going to enjoy it, Ursa spent a few minutes snacking, slowly eating her food in the darkness surrounding her after closing the fridge door, trying to savor every bite. Every drink of milk. After so long away from home, milk and VarriCake made her feel very good - not shushing herself as she might have normally done while eating, finishing her first VarriCake with a low, "Mmmm - so sweet…" licking her lips after without shame or guilt. Anything to reproduce that feeling in the dream earlier… A feeling she had managed to reproduce in a comparatively little bit, but even that small amount made her sigh in… contentment? The welcome sensation lingered a little once she finished the first cake, even strengthening as she ate more, thinking of nothing else but what she was doing - the sensations that filled her mouth, and mind…

Ursa was surprised she only felt full after finishing her allotment of milk and VarriCake, even having eating her leftovers from dinner the previous night as the last thing. Figuring her father might be gone for a while and still feeling hungry, at least now that she was looking at the VarriCake, she took one of his as well, wanting the last thing she tasted to be the cake, not "real food". Eating the extra VarriCake slowly, licking her lips after each bite and again allowing herself to make sounds of contentment and enjoyment, Ursa felt a peace - that peace seeming familiar, beyond the earlier feelings, or that of the dream… almost like one she hadn't felt since she was a child.

Immensely satisfied, Ursa thought as she shut the fridge door, licking her lips and fingers, not wanting incriminating VarriCake on her sheets, "Wow - that was good. I really was hungry. I guess I must have had a harder time earlier than I thought I did… and I never thought I'd manage to feel… that, out here," the feeling dimming by the time she had finished speaking - though she wasn't in the least bit tempted to get more, feeling pleasantly full. Thinking about what she had eaten, she remembered she hadn't really eaten much the previous night either - thus, the leftovers. And, likely, her hunger…

"All that hurt, the brain lightning… That was hard, little seal. You needed the food - and you never ate the other stuff in the first place. And food is always good after stress. Who knows - you might need the rest later. Food's cheap - you aren't. You work harder than you think, Ursa!"

Half-thinking in the early morning hours that Nana had actually talked to her, Ursa returned to her room as quickly as she could stay silent, laughing, "Yeesh - guess I do need some more rest," finding it more funny than anything. Finally realizing she had thought what "Nana" responded to, Ursa remembered what her father had told her before she said goodbye earlier, saying, "Guess I have everyone who loves me inside me to help me - even if they're 'not dead yet'." After taking her clothes off, Ursa approached her mirror, smiling as she thought, "The Avatar's past lives… Avatar Korra's not the only one with inside help. I guess if I need to 'call' on someone, just try thinking like them - or just simply listen while meditating," eager to look at her face.

Hopefully see more light in her eyes.

This time more mindful of the scale, she was tempted for a moment to see what she weighed, saying, "Nah - I literally just pigged out. The reading wouldn't be accurate," initially smiling when she didn't think anything negative.

The taste of sugar still in her mouth, a part of her thought, "That was really good… It seemed all I had to do to enjoy myself was feel no shame. Maybe I could do with just a little more - for… personal advancement!" Ursa sighed in resignation as she said, remembering someone a lot like her from school's endless hunger, the stuffing during lunch, "Trying to love myself or not… that's EXACTLY why I need to watch what I eat still!" pretty sure it was the temporary absence of shame that had made everything taste and feel so good - or perhaps that absence, just by itself… Ursa had heard other people were tempted to do things she'd never dream of doing - abusing others, physically and verbally, using others as a sink for frustrations. Remembering the Nana quote she had thought of earlier, she realized with a certain chill that for some people, things that were basic to her were their own equivalent of her and weight, food.

Finally looking at herself in the mirror, Ursa smiled slightly - she could see a little more fire in her eyes, but not much, wishing intently she could have seen her eyes after her fridge raid - or in the earlier dream. Still, she'd take what she could get - still finding herself wishing she was skinnier, patting her stomach and saying with a little regret, "If I had listened to Nana, eaten everything last night… there'd be at least one less VarriCake swimming around in here. My 'ocean of chi'… Maybe I should have just eaten the leftovers, left the milk and VarriCake alone." From experience while dieting, she knew her stomach would protest for more food, even if she didn't need anymore - she swore her stomach had a mind of its own. Some sort of set level… Patting it again, still frowning, unhappy that her stomach curved as steeply as it did into her belly button, though she did enjoy the full feeling the lingered, she remembered something else to do with the stomach.

It was said to be the location of the Fire Chakra - which dealt with willpower, and was blocked by shame.

Ursa turned to the side, rubbing her forehead slightly before saying, "I know I've tried before, meditating on that… but forget blocked chakras," saying as she looked at her big butt, turned slightly to see her wide hips, sighed to see her ample thighs, "My body's blocking things just fine by itself - like the view behind it!" To Ursa, the Fire Chakra was contradictory - she needed willpower… to overcome the source of her shame! The will to do an actual, long-term diet plan - to shrink herself! Completely counter to what she had just done - giving in to food, even if it felt good, feeling no shame temporarily - the submission to her urges totally opposite of willpower! The Water Chakra was equally annoying - she had thought Lee-Lee was her only shot at ever feeling anything down there without… self-assistance, yet she felt guilty at times doing that, trying to get pleasure all by herself - both pleasure and guilt the things associated with the chakra! At least the drawback of the Water Chakra made sense to her - if people were satisfied with pleasing themselves, so to speak… where would more people come from? And her experience with Lee-Lee made her think the pleasure of sex was closely linked with the other person anyways - no good loving relationship with the other person, she might as well be messing with herself.

Tiring of any spiritual thought, this thinking about "self-service" bringing other thoughts to her mind, Ursa returned to looking at her body, blushing slightly as she remembered idly that Lee-Lee might not have truly been her only chance at love and sex. She had felt aroused around him - usually when he got his strong arms all the way around her, hugging her after a hard day at school together. One memorable time was the whole reason they had started dating - Ursa having for a second felt she had a connection with him deeper than friendship, after he had consoled her after a particularly bad day two years ago. The light kiss… momentary bliss.

But she may or may not have been attracted to just boys - she wasn't sure.

She had actually felt a little bit of the same while hugging a slightly older, much skinnier girl she had helped with something she couldn't remember. That wasn't even mentioning how some of her female sketches ended up with… outsized features, much like the muscles and other things on similar idle drawings she sometimes did for fun and not any particular reason. Some ended up so lewd she… looked at them for a bit, then burned them, not sure what her parents thought about such things. Looking at her body again, remembering how much she got harassed when she was normal, Ursa said, re-assuring herself, "Hug and drawings or not, just… curious at most," laughing, "Don't think I'll ever be taking up President Raiko's recent decree, marrying a woman." Ursa said, as she looked at her contradictorily dark skin for being a firebender, "Hah, imagine it - curious-looking, fat, AND bisexual? That's THREE strikes!" Thinking about what some of her teachers had said about bullying being against the rules and her own troubles, Ursa sighed, saying, "Just because it's legal, or illegal, doesn't mean people will accept it, or not do it," adding, "Some adults… I thought I was done with children when I graduated… I guess not."

Looking in the mirror again, she realized she had been talking out loud - hopeful Buniq hadn't heard her. Deciding to give herself a once-over one more time before going back to bed to sleep, likely for a long time, Ursa chose a slightly different route - try and find things a guy… or girl might find attractive. Look at the positive - not the negative, crying slightly when she thought automatically, "Positive space - got plenty of that." Taking a deep breath, thinking, "That's exactly why I need this - finding fault constantly," she felt better - but also worse, as though she had just upset something very old, ingrained - and powerful…

Re-focusing, looking at herself, two body areas immediately came to mind - one more romantic, one more lust. Knowing she could get "lust" any time she wanted, she looked at her face, making a point to speak out loud, "My golden irises, almond eyes. My father's - I have very pretty eyes, lashes as thick as my legs," adding with pride, "Even without makeup - ever." Ursa did not buy into such things, having never gotten why other girls smeared various goops on their face, least of all some of the colors she had seen lately. Green mascara? People didn't have green skin - plants did! What, did they want to look like the new Great Banyan tree or something?

Feeling a bit tired, Ursa shut up her internal dialogue, saying, "I guess there is one thing Water Tribe about my face, aside from my skin color - what Nana calls a 'seal nose'," Ursa preferring to call it what everyone else did - a button nose, Ursa musing, "Only thing on me that's fairly small. Lips - plump and full, just like me," plump reminding her of her accursed chubby cheeks, double chin, thick neck - she even had hints of folding there! Remembering she was supposed to be trying to be positive, she took a wavy strand of jet black hair, saying with a smile, "Aside from skin color, I guess I share something else with the 'power couple' of Republic City - the other half, that is. Nana is right; my hair does look a lot like Asami Sato's." Ursa blushed slightly when she remembered one of her accurate drawings of Asami Sato would have ended up in the… incinerated "bin", were it not the only picture aside from Bolin's that her mother had caught, Panik utterly baffled as to why her daughter wanted to destroy "works of art". Hazarding a glance to where they were stored in her room inside picture frames, Ursa smiled, saying as she looked down, her belly obstructing her view, "Hmmm… milk's good for sleep, and sometimes, so is 'that', 'appreciating the artwork'," adding bitterly, "Can't see down there without craning, but… whatever."

Yawning, Ursa looked at her biggest assets, feeling good when she cradled one large, "ample" breast, saying with a smile, "I want to lose weight - but not there. That fat's good fat. Just sixteen… I'm probably not even done filling out," saying as her hand wandered to the most sensitive part of her breast, heart rate elevated slightly by now, "Ahhh - wonder… if I could please someone with just these lovely big things, ignoring the rest."

Her hand stopped moving, falling flat by her side - Ursa no longer quite so pleased, thinking of "the rest". The rest mainly being her stomach, which started curving down in its arc right below her breasts, only interrupted in its curve by a slight indent for her bellybutton, Ursa frowning slightly, not sure the last time she had seen it directly. The other main "rest" of her she wished wasn't there was her infamous big butt, not needing to look at it to remember it. At all. Ursa didn't care if some people liked that kind of thing - she wanted her "Bear Butt" gone! Looking in the mirror, she saw other things she wished she couldn't, these unable to "hide" like her rear from the front on. Ursa poked what some moron had decided to call "love handles" attaching themselves to her body like unwanted remora-eels hitching a ride on a shark whale, wondering internally, " 'Love handles'… There are really people that like this?"

By now having forgotten her original intention, Ursa put her hands on her hips, imagining herself making them smaller by pressing on them, saying, " 'Battleship hips'…. Ugh," remembering another tease from school she despised only slightly less than "Bear Butt", frowning when she remember a more recent military-related insult. "Colossus thighs"… something "clever" another refugee who was much younger than her had called her in the camp, Ursa saying bitterly, "I saw that thing from afar before it went into the city… it had relatively skinnier legs than I did!" Looking again to the mirror, at her stomach - the way she saw it, she didn't really have a midriff, just an expanse of fat - and her thighs, legs, breasts, chubby arms, pudgy hands, the whole oversized package, she smiled slightly, remembering some other big kids that were worse off than she was, saying, "It may be big, but at least it does 'go together', 'flow' from one bodypart to the next like water. At least everything's in proportion," remembering a few of her classmates who had been worse off than she was. One by far…

One person had always elicited sympathy in her, but Ursa didn't dare say anything to her, even re-assuring, unsure what the other Water Tribe heritage girl thought of her, having sworn she got jealous looks from Karpok at times. Or maybe Ursa had just misinterpreted Karpok's facial expressions, the other girl always seeming hungry, snacking on something… Ursa idly wondered if Karpok's looks meant anything more than jealousy, having heard the poor girl moan about how she wanted someone, anyone, even mentioning Ursa's dates with Lee-Lee with audible bitterness - then usually waddling off to start eating something before Ursa could respond. The cruelly accurately named Karpok - "hungry" - was not proportionate like Ursa was. While Ursa didn't like how much of her there was, at least she wasn't like Karpok - big, but without the increased bust size to "offset" the rest of her body, Ursa having wondered if a Dark Spirit played a cruel trick on Karpok, distorting her body. Everything Karpok lacked in the chest went to Karpok's stomach, butt, extra-wide hips and especially big thighs and calves, and then some, making her a literally bigger target than Ursa, even without Karpok being bigger than she was. Smiling bitterly, though not for her sake, Ursa just now realized Karpok had never moved on from the "food as constant salve" stage as Ursa had, Karpok having had a bad home life as well from the few times she made idle conversation with the girl, now that she thought about it.

Looking at herself with a changed slant, appreciating the good things she did have a bit more, especially family, Ursa smiled, saying, "It could always be worse," admitting something she'd never say around Nana, lest Ursa never hear the end of it, putting her hands on her thighs briefly: "For what I am, big… I guess I am pretty good looking." The good feeling vanished quickly when a part of her thought, "I should have seen it earlier - helped Karpok. Something about her that I ignored, too - never thought about it, really. Didn't want to. I wonder where she is now…," saying out loud with a grimace, "That was one opportunity to do good I never took. Ugh - failure. Not her - me. I should have talked to her. I was just too afraid to do anything." Ursa wasn't sure why she never said anything - was it just the awkwardness of being something someone else wanted to be, maybe not wanting to make herself be an even bigger target by associating with the admittedly messy Karpok… or even the way she now remembered Karpok looking at her with desire inexplicable just by envy alone?

Remembering there were at least three million people in Republic City, probably more, soon to be much larger if the evacuation succeeded, Ursa felt sad, figuring her prospect of ever finding and talking to Karpok bleak. Looking back at the mirror, scorning herself for a reason other than the usual one, Ursa said, "Should have… Wherever you are - I hope you find happiness," feeling better to send out well-wishing than mope about the past - things she couldn't change.

Beginning to feel tired, thoughts of Karpok bringing to mind the fact that Ursa wasn't the only one who wished she looked like someone else, having once heard her wish she had Ursa's body, Ursa closed her eyes, imagining who she wanted to look like as bare as she currently was: Asami Sato. Trying to imagine herself, if she ever managed to lose the hundred-thirty some pounds she'd need to, to be a normal weight, the image didn't shift much, aside from now having golden eyes like her own father, her mother's button nose, no makeup at all, and her little sister's and her own dark skin.

Looking at the product of her imagination, Ursa felt torn - part of her believing the only way she'd ever be happy long-term was to look like that; the other part of her believing the only way she'd ever be happy was to buck the world's opinion, and accept herself the way she was, right now, as beautiful. To do what she had done on impulse earlier - just be, and not think, or judge. Enjoy as she had before - not examine and critique, as she had just finished doing. Be present and enjoy things as they came - like food, or a better than normal day. She had stopped eating earlier, after all - and her stomach had felt almost totally full, but in a good way...

Remembering something her Nana had told her many times, Ursa wondered if the old, aged waterbender was right - that true beauty lay within, not manifesting itself by way of someone's body, but by what they did - their actions.

No sooner had she thought this than a shrouded, slightly taller figure joined her skinny image's side, Ursa unable to tell if it was heavy or thin, saying as the representation of herself returned to normal, "Beauty is only skin deep. Character pervades every ounce, every pound of your being. It is what is inside a person that forms the basis of any relationship - be it the various forms of love and hate that exist in the world," Ursa feeling an urge to go lay down and sleep when the voice finished, the image of herself smiling as broadly as Ursa was now, "The Universe judges people based on their actions - not what they look like, or what they say without backing up words with action. It is the doing that is most important - and most appreciated, even if… we do not currently appreciate it enough. And, as you did earlier, showing willpower by blocking shame temporarily so you could enjoy what you were doing, sometimes, it is the things we do not do that are most important. Not everyone gets to do as great of things as the Avatar - not everyone is asked to do great things. All the Universe asks is that you do what is 'asked' of you. And you know Avatar Aang's story - not all those who are asked to do great things want to."

Again - this "we". But… different this time, somehow.

This shrouded figure might have been done, but Ursa wasn't.

Apparently, the shrouded figure could somehow read her thoughts, Ursa surprised when it said, "I am you. 'Half' of you. But not the other half that you have fought before - and will fight again. I am the half you have been fighting for." Wondering what this half of her looked like, she heard a deep belly-laugh, hardly able to believe her "eyes" when what must have been her light half revealed itself, the visage of her actually looking not only older, but actually a bit heavier than her, despite being a little taller in the legs. What must have been her light half said with a frown after Ursa wondered how much "she" weighed, wished it looked like her earlier modified self-image, "In the dark earlier, at the fridge, you saw better than you ever have on the sunniest day. You felt what you felt in the dream - concerned only with current pleasure, not future pounds. This obsession with body and weight blinds you. I could have appeared any weight, any age I wanted… I had hoped you would see me, this motherly figure - and see the mother you've shown yourself to be many times, despite not having had kids yet," Ursa feeling like she was being lectured by a motherly version of herself when her light half said, "Internal beauty, even internal age, also known as spiritual advancement - they are what is most important. Not appearances," her light half beginning to shimmer as it said, "Maybe you need a reminder you're not big in only one way - and that you're 'bigger' in the more important ways than you realize," sounding a bit annoyed for part of its final words, "Wise beyond your years… even if you do insist on being your own meanie. Sleep - and I will help open your eyes."

The representation of her light half and older self now gone, Ursa opened her eyes, seeing a bit more fire in her eyes than she had before this experience. Worried she might lose or forget the experience, already having trouble recollecting just how much weight her possible future, apparently mother self had gained relative to now based off her brief glimpse, Ursa was baffled to hear something intone, Love is never truly lost. Ursa was not entirely sure if it was the woman's voice from the earlier dream, or her own, slightly more mature voice from this… thing just now. Remembering her desire to talk to Avatar Korra if at all possible about her less savory experience since waking up at whateveroclock in the morning and the fact the Avatar might be able to take the experience from her, based on what she knew about this infobending Avatar Korra had perfected, Ursa walked away from the mirror - having a gut feeling she'd be seeing the Avatar.

Slipping under the covers, Ursa put her hand on her pleasantly full stomach, laughing in a moment of no self-consciousness, just as she had been earlier, "And with a gut this big - it's usually right!" Ursa felt at peace as she turned out the light, closing her eyes, hoping she'd have another wonderful dream like earlier.

Feeling like she was falling asleep relatively quickly, Ursa didn't know what to expect, her thoughts wandering as sleep took her, holding herself tight. Her own bed… after well over a week, closer to a week and a half, of sleeping on a cot, her only reminders of home her family and the two objects she had chosen to bring, her soft bed felt luxurious, mumbling, "Tired… might sleep till twelve tomorrow. Especially if I have a dream like that again. Mmmmn…" Still not asleep, Ursa thought of the reason she had chosen sword and shield over anything else - a reason she hadn't really liked to think of much.

To her, the sword she and her father had made, even re-made as she had grown taller than her twelve-year old self when she first wanted it and physical training, was one of her two reminders of her dual heritage and life in Republic City. Even if she found some of the people that lived there vile, hated what they had said to her… she still loved her city, having lived through some of its most turbulent times, not really knowing of any place else she'd rather live. Loved it enough to put the United Republic of Nations symbol on her shield's center, the other reminder - her "extra large and wide" Water Tribe style shield fashioned from metal, Ursa able to lift it easily with her… beefy arms. A shield whose unique central large shield and smaller flanking two shields emblazoned with the symbols for Water and Fire she had designed herself… and when the evacuation came, she couldn't think of anything else she wanted to bring.

In case they had become mementos of an extinct way of life, had Kuvira won - and she nearly did, were it not for Hiroshi Sato's sacrifice… the poor man hadn't even had a proper funeral yet, his remains just recently… collected from the smashed hummingbird mechasuit he had used to help save the city along with his only daughter. Seeing a flaw in one of her idols, Ursa wondered what kind of daughter would put off her father's funeral, not really caring about all these rumors of ever-demanding crisis she had heard.

Finally drifting off to sleep, she found herself in a familiar "place" - standing in front of the same table she had sat at before, food and all, fondly remembering leaning back contentedly, wishing the feelings of self-love would never end.

Feeling an odd disconnect, the table in front of her shifted to a mirror, the dream seemingly taking on a fantastical element as she heard her own voice in the far distance saying things she couldn't discern. At first more concerned with trying to decipher what… "her" voice was saying, Ursa only ended up noticing something was off about it before finally looking in the mirror, gasping at what she saw, failing to remind herself this was a dream.

She… she looked NORMAL!

Hardly able to believe her eyes, Ursa waved her hands right above the skin of her small stomach, wondering if she'd run into flab at the last minute, all this some sort of cruel trick. Elated when she didn't, she ran her hands over her body, just to see if the rest of her had changed, crying happily when she found that she didn't have any fat or flab on her - vaguely confused to find she didn't have any muscle tone either. She didn't like that at all! Trying to lift a nearby rock she normally would have been able to heft without a problem, Ursa couldn't, crossing her arms and saying, still enjoying the fact she could see most of herself, "Where's the inner strength?"

Feeling an odd sensation run through her being, something told Ursa to try lifting the rock again, finding herself able to chuck it much as herself or Avatar Korra might have been able to without earthbending, hearing her own voice say from behind her, "This is nice, isn't it?"

Turning around, Ursa saw a similarly skinny double of herself, finding herself nodding and saying, "Sure is! Just what is this place, anyways?" the double smiling broadly when she asked, "This wonderful body… Know any way to make it permanent?" The other her walking a little closer, Ursa feeling a little disquieted at first, the ill ease vanished when her double spoke again, saying, "This is just a 'new' place Raava's changing nature has created, used only a few times before recently - the 'inner dream world'. It has been your host before. But not all inner dream worlds are dreams…" As if sizing up her reaction, or rather, lack thereof, her double smiled, saying, "Hmmm - strange. Would have thought… No matter," her double grinning broadly as began playing with shapely but attractive hips and legs, moving on to her - no, their - shared impressive upper and lower assets. When her butt was skinny… Ursa actually thought she had a nice one!

Ursa swearing the doppler's eyes flashed a slight color for a brief moment, it said, "I can see you're impressed with what I have to offer, looking at me like that… having done much the same with your new body earlier by touch," walking closer still after saying, "Raava can sense a lot more now than she could before - has seen your life. She and one of her past incarnations, human partners, know of a spirit who can give people new faces." Pausing dramatically, her doppler ran a finger over Ursa's body, feeling happy that there was less of her as her twin did so, Ursa saying with a contented sigh, "It's… like I actually lost the half of me I think I need to to be happy for longer than five minutes!"

Her doppler nodded, hardly able to believe her ears when it said, "Raava has let me in on a little secret - following the strengthening of ties between Spirit and Physical worlds… the Mother of Faces… can now grant new BODIES." Ursa's mouth agape, her doppler nodded sagely, saying, "It's hard to believe, I know - Raava told me herself. Raava believes you have suffered enough, and are deserving of a new life. Free from fat."

Half-remembering something about Avatar Korra, Ursa asked, "That sounds great! But… can I talk to Avatar Korra first? Or Kuvira?" remembering more as she continued, over a building sense of unease, her doppler not looking pleased, "If Raava really wants to vouch for me, get me this body outside of here with the Mother of Face's help - who I already knew about, by the way… I want to talk to them first. I've got a lot of experience fighting - internally. Maybe Avatar Korra can help me - maybe I can even help Kuvira. I know - one transformative experience isn't enough. Where there's one, there's usually more."

Ursa noticed the doppler's face momentarily showed a terrified expression - as though reminded of something unpleasant, Ursa getting the vague impression it may have already happened.

Ursa hadn't thought this doppler was bad, but her… gut was telling her something was off, saying as she felt more herself somehow, pointing a pudgy finger at the still-skinny double, "Yeah - I remember more now. Heard some vaguely familiar voice earlier, in the real world. It talked about… 'All I wanted gone - so little. My master says it worked on Korra - why not you?!'. Managed to snatch information from it as something returned to me," Ursa's doppler looking positively livid by now.

Looking at her own body, for once glad to see her stomach poking out from beneath her large bosom, Ursa pointed a finger at what she was pretty sure was a foe now, saying, "Saw that Avatar Korra suffered some sort of memory wipe - that was the other reason I wanted to talk to her!" Looking at the doppler's expression, seeing it was one of pure hatred, Ursa laughed, saying as she pointed to her own body, "Nice try, but not close. At all. I think you wanted to do the same by getting me to accept whatever 'deal' you had for me - tempt me, hit me where I'm weakest," saying with more conviction than she thought she had on the subject, "Probably wanted to wipe my mind of everything else, too. Especially the dream, and how a raid on the fridge can actually feel good, without shame shame shame hanging over my head. All you have to offer, ever had to offer, lies - I'll keep my body," adding when she saw the doppler shift slightly, "And my sanity. Now, skinny lying bit-, you can just go and fu -"

Ursa stopped mid-sentence, noticing she was now looking up slightly, the doppler saying in a voice she recognized fully now, as one that she had heard during two separate struggles years ago, her dark half saying, "Go on. Talk to me dirty, angry - I like it like that. Heap all the insults, abuse you like - make me stronger," Ursa seeing vaguely familiar figures materialize from circling fog coming from the doppler. Seeing the faces of many of her tormentors, including more infamous ones like Amon, even Hiroshi Sato, Ursa listened as her doppler said, now possessing red lines outlining where Ursa thought its skeleton might have been, "Scratch that. I've got a little help. Sort of - damn Avatar Korra, and…! No - not another word to you," saying anyways, "That you shouldn't hear, that is. Foolish girl… look out around me. Behind you. See the hate, the judging stares… so many people have wronged you, yet you've never struck back, only defending others, in Amon's grasp the only time you wanted to act truly aggressively without qualifications," adding with a sharp, predatorily toothy smile, "Let's see you not hit back now. Nobody knows what happens when someone 'dies' in the inner dream world… yet. Let's find out."

Ursa felt ice run through her veins when her doppler grew larger after she scowled at it, the doppler yelling, "Attack!"

Time passing without meaning, Ursa had expected the onslaught to be purely physical, finding her doppler was the only one who did anything but speak - the speech hurting more than anything the doppler did. Ursa found her physical foe grew stronger only when Ursa did anything other than try to bring the fight to an end. Eventually unable to stand the taunting of one of her worst bullies, Ursa ignored her doppler and lashed out physically at the visage, yelling obscenities, finishing as she punched the skinny mouthy bi-, "Shut up, Sadluyok! I thought I was done with you a year ago when you moved!"

Her doppler cackled loudly as Ursa felt herself getting weaker as she grappled with her tormentor, the doppler proclaiming proudly, "No - you'll never be done with them. I'LL NEVER be done with them. Until you've had your revenge - you've seen them around the city, done nothing. Sadluyok, skinny, your antithesis - not thrown a single insult at her. Not given them what they deserve," Ursa finding herself giving into a temptation she knew was worse than any VarriCake binge… a part of herself feeling good to see bruises show up on her old tormentor's bony face, dark half outside her technically or not. Maybe it never could leave… Ursa wasn't sure, but she swore she could feel pain in her face - the same spots where she had injured this image of Sadluyok.

Ursa feeling a sharp poke in the center of her back, she spun around, feeling a metal blade cut her as her doppler yelled, "YES - keep fighting that bully. Sadluyok. Punch her good. 'Shoot back'. Slice into her, like this blade just did. She is me, us - all of us." Giving in to the urge to hit again, Ursa heard her doppler laugh with a slightly distorted voice, "YES. Keep on - make her feel the pain she gave to you! UNDERSTAND what it is to be a part of the endless cycle of violence." It began howling triumphantly after Ursa gave Sadluyok a hateful glare following a particularly nasty insult, saying proudly, "To hate me is to give me breath, to fight me is to give me strength. Now prepare to face oblivion!"

Turning to see her doppler, ignoring a weak physical hit from Sadluyok, Ursa's eyes widened, seeing her doppler holding Ursa's sword with two hands, symbol for Fire and Water together as one replaced by strange runes and a red and black yin yang symbol. Her doppler said, before she brought down the sick mockery of Ursa's own sword in what Ursa knew was a fatal frontal arc, "Hah - always wanted to say that, my master - appropriately quoted. Especially after what you've done to ME over the years - you were supposed to be dead! Now, prepare to lose some weight, fatty - your head!"

Remembering something the doppler had said, Ursa dodged as best she could, finding her flesh stopped the partial connection from being "fatal", saying, "Wait - no. This is all a dream," noticing the tormentors, both images and doppler froze when she said, "I'm not fighting back. I won't be part of your 'Dark Avatar' cycle of hate - dishing out what I've taken, become someone else's bully." Observing her doppler's terrified expression, Ursa said, "Forget punches, bending, spirit weapons, an explosion like the one that almost destroyed my home. They'd do nothing but make you stronger. You've got a different weakness. You… you wiped something from me earlier. Now I know what it was - and thanks to your arrogance, so much more." Giving the same bully she had been pummeling a few moments before an unexpected hug, the image vanished into gold and yellow flecks much as Unalaq's fusion with Vaatu had in reality, the same being Ursa now knew had little "servants" inside everyone, having before only thought she was fighting something confined to within herself.

Other images still frozen, Ursa said, walking over to that of Amon, "These aren't their souls - their dark halves. They're just representations of the hurt I carry around inside from them - instead of dismissing their hurtful words, actions, as the confused, anger-driven, or misguided things they are… I've let them take root. Make myself my own bully," yelling over her doppler's screaming, shrinking, morphing closer to bony wraith than human, some red bones narrowly avoiding poking through the skin, "Forgive them - the hurt goes away. Love them back while they're trying to hurt someone - maybe change someone's life." Ursa did just that retroactively for Amon, remembering what had been released and made known about his own sad childhood, Ursa vaguely reminded of Karpok's struggles with family - more bloodbending, less food and what Ursa hoped wasn't one of the worst kinds of abuse in Karpok's case, now that she thought of Karpok... She was surprised when the image of Amon spoke before disintegrating, saying, "Little brave bender girl… I have already moved on, to better things," wondering if these images did have connections to the real people after all. Just like she had a piece of her own family inside her… Remembering someone from earlier who had harassed her, Xin Fu, who had struck her as particularly twisted, Ursa said, her doppler now practically skin and pulsing red bones, the red light shining through dark skin like a sick glow lamp, "Others… I don't want to know what their problem was; to truly understand, I'd have to be like YOU."

Ursa smiled broadly to see her sword had shed its sick engravings - rune writing and foul yin yang symbol gone. It was hers now - but she wasn't going to use it.

The doppler by now sniveling, stolen and now cleansed three foot sword about as tall as the pathetic being, Ursa didn't feel mad - she felt sad, saying, " 'Deprive yourself more'… skin and bones. You're just the most extreme way I could deal with my problems. Suicide by diet…" Given its earlier temptation of her, Ursa was baffled when it shifted, looking to be three or more times the weight of her three-year old baby picture. Ursa was sure even Nana would have been worried if she had been half its weight at its apparent age of three, saying through grotesquely puffy cheeks, "Not… not the only way. You did earlier - just not eat long enough. To feel happy LONGER time. Eat enough times. Food… taste so good. Forget the bad…" the doppler's eyes flashing an unnaturally bright gold, saying, "DEVOUR! LIKE VAATU! Mmmmffg…" and crying slightly after.

Ursa remembering this thing in front of her was as much a part of herself as her light half, she kneeled over, crying herself to see the young doppler try to waddle away, managing to catch it and pick it up, finding it was still resisting her. Finally wrestling getting it under control, it let out a low sigh when she hugged it tightly, asking, "Were you listening to me earlier?"

The doppler nodded, looking pained as it said, Ursa not sure why she found it cute like her little sister once the odd red glow abated, a vague unease about it persisting in her gut nonetheless, "Yeah. Remember. Also remember work for Vaatu suck. Both us know I can't go away entirely. But… I wanna try," Ursa frowning and saying, "No - don't want to go away. I've felt like wanting to go away at times. It's no good," Ursa grumbling slightly when her doppler chortled, "Yeah, know - was part behind that! Not just puberty and family history on father side!" Ursa sighed, wishing that had been one of the many things she hadn't inherited from her father, saying, "Whatever - I'm stronger than you," admitting, "I guess I do have a lot of willpower. Anyways… You were trying to get me - the sum of light and dark - to go 'insane'. Go backwards," smiling as she said, "For bad people, 'going insane' is going good - just look at what we've heard Kuvira went through. For 'you' - go back, is going forwards."

Her doppler appeared to mull it over, finally saying through puffed cheeks, smiling slightly, Ursa reminded of an actual seal vaguely, though still more of a leopard seal than one of the meeker shelled ones, "Like this. Wish could go 100-0, good bad. Part me will stick around - part you can never get rid of. Rest…" Her doppler paused, looking like it wasn't supposed to say, Ursa smiling, not entirely surprised by what it managed to say, "Rest of power I had… from you! Whole Ursa's flaws… So… You beat lot of me. But me… I want go 'insane'!" Ursa laughed when it added, before vanishing into her chest, "Hmm… like fat better than skin and bone actually. Vaatu wrong there. Do what did earlier. But more. Feed us good. Lots tasty things!" Agreeing internally, wondering if she could replicate her earlier experience at the fridge when she was done, Ursa nodded her head - swearing she could hear something inside her laughing with glee when she decided she might try and find out.

Just as it had said, part of her dark half remained outside - larger than what Ursa would have liked, the skinny four-year old with red-glowing bones under her skin saying from in front of her, "You might have made the first blow against that problem… holding old hurts inside you. But you aren't done yet," it cackling, "Not if you listen to that bad side - eat 'lots of tasty things'! Fatty," gloating, "Which I'm sure people will still call you. Especially if you raid the fridge like you did tonight. And want to, again." Her doppler was proven right when Ursa looked at herself - finding she disliked what she saw just a little bit less, confused when the doppler said, "Reaching out… What you tried to do… guess it runs in the 'family', though she was a lot more successful," smiling slightly when it said, running off, "Damn romantic love helping! Still has some in her, though. Nobody's perfect - least of all you. See you later, lard-butt."

Love. Ursa had a bit of an out - maybe someone liking her as she was would really help after all…

Finally looking around, Ursa saw the mirror turned table from earlier was a table again, the one her doppler must have manipulated into being a mirror, trying to trick her. Feeling exhausted from the pseudo-fight, above all, the emotional stuff, AGAIN, Ursa was glad to see it was spread with a fairly large amount of food. Recognizing the figure standing nearby as her light half, Ursa laughed when it said, "Don't worry - eating in here won't make you bigger in the real world, not even in here, unless… reasons," listening as she made her way over to the same chair as before, "Anything is possible in here - your other half was right about that much." Wondering about what her inner skinny brat had said before vanishing aloud, saying, "Wish I could have been as successful as this mystery person," her light half smiled, saying, "You'd do well to remember not everyone is the same," continuing cryptically, "The person she was talking about is of only very distant blood relation to you, Fire Nation heritage in her veins, though bending is not, and had to deal with her own sorrows, overcome them her own way. Both internally, physically, and in a spiritual realm sense." Her light half surprised her by saying, " 'She' was referring to Asami Sato," Ursa laughing weakly, "Yeah - I'm sixteen, and she's twenty two. I might be mature… but there's still a big age difference there," her light half nodding when she said, "A lot of growing left to do," laughing hysterically when Ursa said, "My other idol. I may like Avatar Korra a lot… but the younger one was a bit of a hot-headed idiot!" adding bitterly, remembering something from her past, "I wish she would have come!"

Light half gesturing to the table, it said, "The past is past, Ursa - it ended up turning out fine in the end. But, here - focus on the now. Food for the spirit," for some reason reminding Ursa, "Remember - anything is possible in here, and when you wake up, you'll remember - but you won't be back here until tomorrow night most likely," light half laughing when Ursa asserted, "I - what? I'm sleeping till twelve! After all that… I'll have plenty of time in here." It sighed, Ursa somehow getting the impression her wish wasn't to be, her light half saying, "Make use of the time you have," tearing up as it said, "I… I'm sorry you didn't have more help. I hadn't expected her to pull a trick so early. I would've - " Ursa shrugged, saying, "Shhh. You're the good me - don't need to make excuses. It's fine - it turned out all right," Ursa's eyes widening when her light half said urgently, looking at Ursa's body, "Quick - eat something. I hope this works…" adding with a smile, "Try and enjoy the food as much as possible. Just like you did in the physical world earlier - you did good, Ursa."

Feeling where her light half had been looking, Ursa's eyes widened, feeling wet warmth on her fingers, a large gash from the earlier fight tracing along her neck - her slight dodge and insulation having spared her from bleeding out of her jugular, her dark half having apparently tried to lop her head off after all. Heart beginning to race slightly as some sort of pain block was lifted, she took a deep breath, remembering that in the physical world, it was easy to bleed out from increased circulation. Finally following her light half's instructions without thinking, Ursa ate - now realizing what a big portion of the food might be for.

Healing the wounds. Ursa wished food could have really done the same in the physical world… with emotional ones.

Nothing happening at first, Ursa "tried" again, finding she was able to force herself to enjoy the food much more easily over any internal objections she might have had in the physical world, even finding herself enjoying one of her favorite combinations - ice cream and cookies - without any guilt at all by the time she got to dessert. She felt much as she had earlier, but… there was a weird contradiction of a sort. Guilt and shameless eating had been easier to do in here, fully able to see her pudgy hands yet still enjoying herself - but the experience in the dark earlier had felt… more genuine, that was the word she was looking for. While this one felt... like someone was holding her hand to help. Remembering the reason she needed to eat, in this weird blend of fantasy, dream, and by her best guess Spirit World, she felt her neck, grumbling slightly when she found the wound hadn't healed, her attempt to see if one on her back had gone a failure as well. Or perhaps it had healed, and that was the reason she felt no blood.

Digging into a second round with gusto, now feeling much the same as she had in the real world, eating with a purpose and savoring the pleasure, checking her neck periodically, she paused when she finally felt the gash was gone. Not really feeling full in any way, remembering something her light half had advised her about the nature of this "inner dream world" and realizing the fantasy of food without calories had come true, Ursa's eyes widened, saying as she grabbed a plate of fried lobster crab, "Eat and eat, but… I'm not any bigger! Do what I did earlier with the fridge ten times over… I think I get what you were saying earlier!"

Hearing her light half's more mature voice say "Duh" derisively, time passed without meaning as Ursa made the most of the place she was in, eventually stopping, saying after finishing a VarriCake, "Wow. I don't feel drained emotionally anymore… Great," finishing, "I shouldn't eat any more than that - if I go too far overboard, all I'll want to do is sleep, living in the land of endless calorie-free food. And blur the line between here and reality when I wake up." Her light half nodded, Ursa smiling when it said, "Good - you show more sense about this place than the Avatar did," continuing and answering Ursa's unasked question, "Let's just say you stopped well away from where she did," it muttering, "Wanting to go out and live in a fantasy city, one that might not even come to pass… sheesh."

Remembering her light half had promised to help open her eyes somehow, Ursa stood up, stopping when a mirror appeared on the floor nearby, asking with a raised brow, "Just which half are you, again?" Her light half laughed, saying, "Ha ha - very funny. Before you go over there, I want you to do me a favor - feel your own body. Try doing some firebending, fighting moves - that too. See what you think." Ursa did so, noticing her body felt off slightly. But not by much. While her bending didn't feel any different, not surprised to see no blue fire, she found any physical fighting moves to be a bit more difficult, feeling more out of breath than unusual while "training" - but nothing she couldn't fix with one of her least favorite exercise types, cardiovascular. But she'd rather do running than be out of breath when she needed it most… Finishing training with some shield slams on a crumbly rock bust of her dark half, Ursa found it crumpled easily if she put her weight behind the strike - more than usual. Ursa even tried one move she sometimes loved, sometimes hated - using her bulk plus her firebending to jet up and crash into other targets, noticing they were more damaged than normal, that the impact felt… softer?

Wondering what the point of all this was, Ursa looked at her light half, the being pointing at the mirror and a set of scales near the floor mirror and itself, saying, "Stay - for now," saying after stepping on the scale and looking down, " 'I' am 300 pounds," Ursa giving her light half a funny look when it gestured towards her, getting the impression it wanted her on the scale facing the floor mirror - now.

Ursa did so, eyes widening and feeling betrayed when the scale read 300 for her as well. Looking in the mirror, seeing her light half beside her, her ears flushed when it said, "You were able to do what you needed to do just fine with the extra 'mom' weight - my weight - and didn't really feel or notice it too much until now," Ursa listening to the explanation: "I just wanted to show you that as long as you've got the fight in you and don't go too overboard on eating, or neglecting exercise… you can still do what you want to physically, even if you get a bit bigger. Even using food to try and soothe emotional pain or wounds - when you actually need it, like you have done in the past. There's no reason to worry as much and… harshly as you do about your weight," Ursa still skeptical. Looking at her light half, she simply stated, "I'd have to see it to believe it - in the real world. And given I still want to be smaller, not bigger, like you think being a mom will doom me to," finishing, "Don't see what this has to do with opening my eyes."

Her light half nodded, sighing, "You certainly still do not see. Enough on 'our' personal image issues…" Ursa nodding in the affirmative when her light half offered, "You've heard of Kuvira's partial 'life review' by now, I assume," continuing when Ursa nodded her head, "You remember your life through a skewed lens - do not see the good you have done, do not remember why you made certain decisions. Most of all - do not appreciate the hardships you have been through, dismissing them as paltry. Given your response to my attempt on body, and 'fighting the fear of fat'…It's obvious you'll need some… outside help with your other biggest problem, but I am uniquely equipped to help you with your own life," saying with a broad smile, "Given you've shown me a lot more than your other side during your life. Much more light than dark." Ursa felt creeped out when it added, pinching both their stomachs at the same time, a stomach Ursa hoped she wouldn't retain or ever have, "Shown light to everyone but yourself," nodding slightly when it said, "You wouldn't call your little sister Buniq fat or ugly - even if she had a body much heavier than this one," crying slightly when it finished, "Just like you'll never understand your dark half, I'll never understand the whole Ursa not loving herself. You've let your former tormentors steal something very important from you - self-love."

The truth hurting, this particular one more than anything her dark half had done, knowing it to be true, at this point Ursa found herself eyeing the table, noticing a lot of tasty-looking food was still on it, saying, "Doesn't have any calories…" continuing as she looked at the food with desire, "I feel down. I need support - just like you said! Maybe lots of tasty things will help!" walking over as she said, ignoring a part of her that thought this was totally unnecessary, "It's… like a buffet!" Remembering she might feel bad when she woke up, what she had decided she might try earlier once she woke up, Ursa added, now rubbing her stomach without self-consciousness, "A lot of that's in the fridge, and I might need some comfort food for real…Maybe even some after I wake up… I'll still be just me, after all," her light half reprimanding her, "In here, this has no calories… out there, it does. Earlier, you needed the vast majority of what you ate - having skimped the night before, and… accustomed your body to your unique feeding schedule, fridge raids and all. One you could do changing, but I'm not going to be picky about small things. Just BIG ones. Like what you did earlier, one extra VarriCake past full won't hurt - as long as you maintain self-control overall. Eat anything past that after we're done here for real, especially in the same portions… that's where even Nana would be rightfully concerned. You have experienced nothing tonight as bad as you have in the past - you even came out stronger. You do not need a crutch right now. Are you sure? And why do you want this? What hole are you trying to fill? Why do you think you need the crutch again?"

Ursa nodded, saying after she recalled just how wonderful the earlier experience really was now, "More food - I'm very sure. More than anything, I want to feel what I felt earlier at the fridge again… very close to the first dream. You know, feel the self-love and contentment you think are so important. And weren't you telling me food was good a bit ago?" ignoring its response of, "Yeah - but tons of it, only in here - and not often, lest you lose touch with reality!" willfully.

Ursa had chosen to ignore the most poignant questions completely - the why something she wasn't entirely sure of herself, sure her smug light half knew.

All of the food suddenly gone, feeling some sort of physical change, followed by feeling a mindset shift that made her think there was nothing different about her body, Ursa felt depressed, deserving of lots of pity, insignificant, hungry - and that food was her only solution. She found walking to the table was more difficult now, set on getting to the table no matter what, ignoring a nagging thought to fight against something, instead hoping more food would appear. Ursa smiled broadly when it did, yelling happily as she saw just how large and rich a spread had appeared, "Buffet!" Ursa ignored her light half saying, as though a mother to a child, "I had hoped you'd resist that call - listened to the nagging thought. Prepare for some tough love, if this is really how you need to learn this… Maybe you'll be willing to talk about the why after."

Sitting down in a large, heavily reinforced chair, Ursa thought of all she had been through, looking at what was up to eat. What she could consume for contentment. Everything she could have wished for was there - the choicest steaks, whole platters of VarriCake, an actual giant birthday cake she wasn't sure why it had the characters for 450 on it, a similarly heaping helping of ice cream, many different types of fried foods, rich-looking salads, many gallons of milk and what was labeled as sweet tea - even an assortment of traditional Water Tribe and Fire Nation food! Smiling broadly in anticipation, Ursa found herself starting to dig into the feast in front of her automatically after she remembered her earlier terror, feelings of insignificance, savoring the taste of the food, losing herself. Ursa even began feeling a certain animalistic bliss and contentment as she ate, ate, ate everything that within her reach, a small odd feeling building…

She stopped momentarily, seeing a problem as she raised a komodo chicken leg to her mouth, saying before biting in, "The food's not close enough!" Savoring the taste of grease and sweet glaze as she bit down on the leg, Ursa held it in her mouth as she tugged on the tablecloth greedily with her now-freed hands. Food now within reach, she felt something dribbling down her chin, finding herself not caring - food was at hand again. Finishing the leg, Ursa resumed eating, saying with a mouth full, "This is awesome!" letting out a low grumble when she heard someone say, "Not entirely - you know that. You can stop before it gets worse," Ursa choosing to ignore the warning - feeling the odd feeling from before grow when she did so.

The good feelings weakening when she stopped for a minute to drag more food closer, Ursa found herself grumbling before stuffing another VarriCake in her mouth, "Thought you said fridge raid was good! Even you - looking at me. Judging. Thought I was done with all that…! World's so unfair… food doesn't judge me, make me feel insignificant," adding after licking her lips, not wanting to waste any of the sweet cake, "It just tastes good." Judging the taste, she was horrified to notice that the sweet treat didn't taste as the first ones had, deciding to make up for it by eating more of them. Moving on to another favorite dish, Ursa found the same thing was true - making the same decision to eat more, crying slightly as she yelled after finishing what fried lobster crab was in front of her, "HEY! That one -the same thing, but I could taste it slipping from first bite to last! No fair. Good taste - GET BACK HERE!" Ursa heard a voice sigh, "Life is not fair," responding hotly, "Don't you judge me!" eyes widening when it interjected, "Some judgement is good, Ursa - do not criminals have to be sentenced? Do people not have to feel the effects of their own actions?"

Thinking of judgment, other, much more distant experiences flooding into her mind, finding herself commiserating with Karpok deeply, remembering now how the girl had seemed to maintain her figure, almost like a shield against something, Ursa continued to devour food. Her mind slipping, the fridge raid a happy, wonderful memory by now, not sure how she had gotten such pleasure from so little food before, the only sensations she felt were taste, the conditional bliss and contentment, and a very slowly filling physical hole in her stomach, saying with a mouth partially full, "Shure jusht a few more VarriCakes, I'll feel all better."

When this turned out to not be true after eating many more, she felt despondent - digging in harder to compensate, feeling the same momentary, elusive bliss she had felt since sitting down while devouring what was in front of her, overlaid with a deep sense of shame she had ignored until now, shame growing bigger than the bliss and contentment. Hearing herself, the sounds of unchecked gluttony finally starting to register, she banged the table and said, by now having forgot anything but where she was, feeling in some sort of a trance, "More food! Sure I can find happiness on another plate… or ten! Just… MORE!"

Feeling another shift of the mind take place, Ursa felt even more sorry for herself than she had before, the odd feeling from before greatly magnified. Ursa now saw the food in front of her as her only friend in the whole world. Embracing it accordingly, Ursa began her "task" - taking great gusto in her eating.

Even after clearing the table three to four times, perhaps five, maybe more, finding eating itself became harder as she continued mindlessly, Ursa stopped for a moment, trying to savor the fullness, the taste. Trying to see if she could feel what she had earlier, what she could distantly remember before, her miniscule little snack. While she did feel somewhat happy, feeling like she had partially fed an endless desire, her body wanted more, at the edges of her mind realizing her hands were a lot bigger than normal, her body itself, set back from the table slightly. Ignoring an odd large, dark brown shape in front of her pushing up against the table, caring only that the feeling wasn't the same as what she remembered from before blurrily, she ate one more course, crying after the feelings of contentment and happiness again faded away all too rapidly after she had stopped eating, "Happiness, contentment… Why… won't you stay? Stay like the food and fullness in my tummy? Everything I feel while eating… it goes away when I stop. WHY?!"

Saying, "I just need to eat constantly - that's it!", Ursa didn't remember her speech to sound so… fat?

Still not caring, ignoring the odd sick feeling that had grown as she ate, Ursa tried pinning down what else she felt as she just had one more serving of everything - finding herself wishing for and getting things she had only heard of, her family having denied her such wonderful things such as massive milkshakes, huge sugary doughy treats by the dozens, salty-looking fried animals, whole platters of spicy komodo chicken…

Ursa began eating, having started to drool just looking at everything, valiantly trying to see if extremes of sweet, salt, spice or fat would satisfy her. Nothing helping in the long run, her taste buds and stomach requiring quantity and not quality now, Ursa continued - not even sure how much she had just eaten…

Or even was eating, knowing only that if she stopped, so did the pleasure.

Pausing for breath, full intending on continuing, Ursa felt like she had never before, her stomach feeling impossibly full - finding herself wishing the table would regenerate the food again, as it had before. Finishing her current course, feeling far beyond full, practically bursting, Ursa finally felt the happiness and contentment stay for a good while after picking out the best bits of what had appeared again and eating them happily, for some reason knowing she'd need to do everything all over to get them later. Another lengthy orgy of food. One she'd partake in gladly, for as long as she needed to, the earlier sick feeling seeming right now somehow - chasing what she felt after eating so much. Contentment.

Now feeling like she had caught her breath, she resumed once the good feelings faded - actively trying to block out the unpleasant by focusing on her eating alone, taste by now seeming secondary. Even so, the underlying sense of wrongness, shame, sickness turned "right" she was trying to ignore so hard persisted, being this full and eating more - the part opposite of her that would have been content had she been… skinny? The same part that would have felt temporarily content after ending a similar binge not by sitting, but by forcing herself to throw up, as she had done only a couple of times - thinking she had done her body good to purify it of her excess?

Putting down a candied fried meat, Ursa closed her eyes for a moment. Ursa saw herself standing in darkness, hearing herself say, "Mmmm - so good…" a stark contrast to what she felt now. Relatively little pleasure - and a whole lot more hunger, feeling as though something other than her stomach were asking for food.

Ignoring a voice that yelled, "Don't think - more food! You can take it - and you should! You deserve it, poor thing!" Ursa wondered who was asking for the food - seeing a depressed twelve-year old version of herself appear, noticing it was much larger than any twelve-year old Ursa she knew. She half wondered if it weighed over two hundred pounds, confused when it smiled weakly, saying with a little pride, "Just hit 300 a while ago," frowning again after, saying, "Only Karpok thinks that's good - jealous. Lee-Lee's such a nag. Can't wait until I'm out of school," looking depressed again. Ursa wondering why it was sad, the little Ursa spoke, saying, "I don't like school - except for Karpok and Lee-Lee, all the kids are mean to me," Ursa feeling horror when it continued, "And so is something inside me - but it says I can't talk or tell anyone about it. Sort of like what Karpok told me once - except hers isn't inside. Mine's two years old - don't know how old hers is. Just know I'm bigger than her now."

Crying, the little Ursa finished, "I… The thing inside. I don't know what to do about it. The pain… it's too much! I… I'm going to go hang out with Karpok now - she said she managed to get some really good stuff again. Food - I can taste it now. I really wanna go, get my fair share - keep my lead on her. Only thing I can do well… Can't wait. Bye…"

This thoughtfulness partially peeling back the mental shift, Ursa said "NO!" out loud after a part of her wished for more, more, more food, to quell a depression she knew she didn't have, unlike the Ursa who had spoken to her - apparently, never sought help from family, only food, even taking a sick purpose from her gluttony. Struggling very hard to get up from her chair, managing to puff once she was up, "Endless hunger, and… devouring all that yummy food… the partial trance… of eating, eating… mindframe shifts… sick feeling turning 'right'… that I feel is very wrong… now, no, know is wrong… in my gut… what happened? Not talking… I didn't do that!" Not getting an immediate answer, seeing the partially full table again, Ursa felt weak when she saw the desserts re-appear, shaking her head, feeling a jiggle after doing so, asking in mild panic, "What… happened!" vowing, "Not another bite! No!"

She finally heard her light half speak again, her eyes widening when it said, "Remember when you stopped eating earlier while healing, despite the food not having calories then? You didn't this time. Didn't do what you just did - took that next bite. The other dark side to your relationship with food happened. The DEVOUR side. That was when you first sat down. I remember you feeling like you wanted to commiserate with Karpok while eating, after the little teaching shift… you did the rest, by ignoring me. Trying to chase the wind - your earlier, GENUINE experience at the fridge. If you act like you have in the real world, you'll never know that feeling again - the pleasure of satisfying a genuine physical hunger, not an emotional one. An emotional hunger the one you seemed to have before starting eating your many courses. The sad self you saw - what would have caused you to go down that path in real life, what you might have become, embracing food instead of family. And, if next time you don't reach out to others for help like you have in the past, or decide to push the envelope, make a habit of two raids on the fridge a night… you may still do so in the future. And you still haven't looked at a big part of the why, aside from stress…"

Wondering about the sick feeling that had turned right, Ursa cried a little when her light half explained, "That sick feeling turned right is denial of reality, living in a dream land all the time, as that young you partially did. Avoiding that unreality the reason you wisely stopped eating earlier while your 'physical' wounds healed when you had had enough. Enough - just like at the fridge, unlike at the table of endless dishes, drink and treats. Eating such things in excess… You saw yourself. Some people embrace it as they get bigger and bigger, well away from even reasonably healthy levels - taking a certain pride in their excess. I talked of being blind in regards to weight earlier - on one end of the extremes are those who are anorexic and think they are fine, the other - I'll let you see you for yourself for how that looks," Ursa's only consolation from the whole thing when her light half finished, "You talked of the sickness turned 'right' that you see as very wrong now, that you have stopped and actually thought. This is a very good thing - it gives me hope you will not do this for real, or embrace the sickness, as Karpok may have, like the Karpok that other twelve-year old you interacted with did. Sick competition…"

Ursa having felt an inexorable pull downwards to the ground the whole time, she began crying slightly when her light half proclaimed, "The table will be a mirror again soon - and away from you, so you can see. Tough love… Take a good look at what 'lots of tasty things' for ANY reason will do to you - and why you shied away from Karpok. The feeling of despair, worthlessness and self-centered injustice you felt, that led you to eat, eat, eat… There was a reason you stayed away from Karpok - not everyone who is sympathetic is a good person to be around, especially if they share a weakness with you. Many times, people with similar sorrows will… feed off one another, no pun intended. They both end up worse off than if they had never met. Like that alternative you. Now… why don't you take a good look at what you did to yourself. Not any shifts, sicknesses, anything else - you. And hope you never see the same Ursa looking back at you in the mirror - at that weight, you might not have very long to 'eat more tasty things'… only time to lose weight, or die early."

Ursa looked down, at the table turned mirror, screaming in horror to see her own flesh - to see what she had wrought upon herself by giving up her constant fight with weight. She had seen what unreality with her eating habits might do to her in the form of her dark half's skeletal appearance - and could see in front of her what the "other" dark half of her relationship with food would do to her if she gave in.

Gone was the old, proportioned - attractive, even - Ursa, barely able to recognize herself for all the fat and flesh. Her whole body, especially her face and front, breasts and gargantuan stomach alike - covered with dribs and drabs of food, having acted like an animal in her quest to fill an emotional hole with food, embraced the sickness. Her sight - literally obstructed slightly by her own fat, side-views problematic without turning her head, sure she wouldn't have been able to see much without the mirror's assistance. Her face - feeling like it existed only to eat yet more food, her cheeks jiggling slightly as she managed to move her head, feeling skin touching skin where it shouldn't have as she did, a roll of fat behind her head as big as her actual body's love handles forming when she leaned her back backwards. Her chin - hardly a chin, just an expanse of fat that merged with her neck. Her arms - a bit difficult to move, more like a healthy person's thighs, though infinitely more jiggly, elbows practically as invisible as her belly button was normally. Over her massive upper arms, her elbow was a chore to catch a glimpse of, underarms folded and jiggling when she touched them. Her gigantic, sagging breasts - blocking a good portion of her stomach from view, her chest heaving as she breathed, her whole body gleaming from the exertion of standing up, Ursa feeling like she'd need to rest for five minute before doing anything else. Forget being unable to touch her toes without bending over past "normal" - now… she couldn't even touch her crotch, a massive stomach taking over everything, jutting out from her body like a fleshy shelf… drooping outward slightly, feeling like it wanted more food, getting the sense the massive thing could take it! She even had a second shelf of fat coming from beneath her chest, looking for all the world like the worst-placed, partial biggest lovehandles she'd ever seen. No - more like a second stomach, her other stomach fanning out as well, like part of a fatty "flower". Ursa grimaced to feel the fold "leading" to her completely invisible bellybutton that started at her side, not sure what was "love handle", just a roll of fat, or her hips. Worst of all, her butt - many times its normal size, the only bodypart that Ursa now felt comfortable supporting her, her feet screaming. Trying to walk using thighs and legs that would have shamed a camelephant, oddly hanging fat rolls distorting her normally semi-toned legs into pillars of weak, soft-looking flesh, standing up from a chair - both physical acts as gargantuan a chore as her body was colossal now, the only thing she wanted was to eat constantly…

Wanting out of this body, away from the horrible feelings, especially the sickness of unreality, desperately, Ursa felt self-awareness and her own, normal viewpoint fully replace the odd, self-piteous mindset that had settled over her like a shroud earlier and brought on her seemingly supernatural binge, not really wanting to know her "weight". Ursa remembered more clearly now her thoughts and actions before ending up like… this. How she had felt and what she had said while mindlessly gorging herself, trying to chase her woes away with food, drowning her persistent feelings of not mattering with tasty things that grew gradually less tasty. Ursa knew it was a simulation of what might happen, should she embrace the other way of the dark half - the one that had "entered" her. The glutton, vainly trying as she had tried to eat away her woes rather than facing them. Or just the plain glutton, overeating and taking delight in it, as the sickness seemed to - demanded more, to be as full as she was now ALL the time, perhaps fuller, seeing her form as desireable or some kind of achievement - not an indicator of imminent death. Ursa felt the same sickening sense of slight contentment layered with a shame and sense of worthlessness many times worse than she had ever felt as she slowly quoted that… thing, patting her massive, now-fully jiggling body, "Guess this is what… I would be if… I ate ate and ate… without end. Like I just did. Embraced the fat. Fed it. And wanted more… I don't know if you… heard her earlier, switching from… skin and bones to… a ball of fat, like… this, saying, 'Feed us good… Lots tasty things!'... before vanishing back inside…" crying slightly, tears having difficulty rolling down her grotesque cheeks.

Not sure why she was still stuck, she tried walking, quickly falling over pitifully. Waving jiggling arms, Ursa whined, "What in the… put me back! … This is horrible!... Tough love or not!" panting as she tried to get up, "Hopeless… helpless! Truly useless!" Finally managing to get back up, not sure how much time had passed, completely winded and exhausted, Ursa chose to sit back down on her butt, idly examining her massive body - one that wanted more food. Her light half said sadly, "It is up to you how soon you leave that body - and I hope you'll have a newfound appreciation for your own. That sickness you feel, a form of unreality as dangerous as the one you once pursued, trying to shatter your dark half forever, the seemingly endless hunger, the demanding and temporary nature of what pleasure you did derive from your food- remember it well. When I first simulated your desire, when you decided to walk over to that table, have an unneeded 'snack' later in the real world, you were 'merely' 450 pounds, as written on that cake I wish I had never seen appear. A weight dangerous by itself, before you doubled it - no, more- in your misery and unchecked devouring of food. I'm all for you accepting your body the way it is in reality, even the way it could be, a mere 35 or so pounds heavier… but 'you' clock in at over 900 pounds right now. Unhealthy, no, deadly - something you wouldn't accept if you love yourself. As you have seen, you're barely functional - not far off from bedridden, given how you prefer to sit, and the panting. The only thing you want to do, eat more food and sleep - like an enormous adult baby. Like it or not, weight is something you'll still need to balance on a knife's edge," Ursa panting slightly in frustration when her light half admitted, wondering if she'd ever find balance after what it said, "Just as too little body weight can be dangerous and too much can be as well, danger depending on how extreme… You suffer from too little self-love… but too much is just as dangerous. Either one could lead you to where you 'are' now. Too little self-love, you eat your way to where you are to try and heal an emotional hole. Too much self-love, you eat your way to where you are to try and gain, satisfy the sickness, thinking there is NOTHING wrong with your weight - not caring what others say about your health. You have to remain real."

Pretty sure the swelling urge to eat a whole table's worth of cookies and ice cream and a "garnish" of a few steaks was a part of the "simulation", perhaps even two tables now that she thought of such things, old mindset creeping back as the emotional pain increased, Ursa nodded as best she could when her light half said, "It doesn't matter if the bad place is being extremely morbidly obese and an imminent danger to your own health, being the dictator of the Earth Empire, or being an abused, malformed schoolyard bully. Over 900 pounds and gaining towards a half ton - you've told your body 'I need endless food to be happy!' The urge you feel - there, always. Easily added to, too - eating because you feel down about your weight, as we know Karpok did most certainly, you, from time to time. Dictator - you've told yourself 'I need power and adoration to be happy!' The urge tells them more is never enough - just like the cookies and ice cream, quality meat… except people's lives and freedom are at stake. Schoolyard bully - 'I need to spread my suffering around!' The urge tells them… I have no clue. You stopped hitting Sadluyok earlier - your only chance to find out the why behind the endless cycle of hatred 'wasted'. A why we don't want to know either - likely, there is none. Other people's self-worth and image are at stake - something we both know can be more insidious and longer-lasting than any empire. All these things told to the self - lies in the end. Every different kind of badness, bad place has its own things keeping those in them chained," Ursa's pudgy lips forming a smile when it continued, "You - WE - have broken free of plenty of chains before," frowning from sadness when it finished, Ursa thinking of Karpok, "Others… not so much." Ursa let out a deep belly laugh when her light half continued, jiggles reverberating in her stomach, her everything, the jiggling making Ursa feel sicker than she had ever before as her light half qualified, "Though, in the grand scheme of things, seeking to re-unite cookies, ice cream, steak and Ursa into one Kingdom-sized stomach and expand onward to defeat the Depression Empire is infinitely better than what Kuvira did. Like I said - hurting no one but yourself."

Thinking more, the odd mindset Ursa hoped she would never have in the real world fading as she faced her problems instead of running - or rather, in this body, waddling at best - Ursa panted, "But… even she turned… around. If I ever… got here… I could too. Even if I had… to clap my puffy hands… together for exercise," finishing, "The food… tasting it, but pleasure not… lingering, unless I utterly… gorged myself. My earlier fridge raid a… happy memory, one… an example of extreme restraint, compared… to this. Nothing but the worst… excess would register… make me happy. No amount of food would… in long run. Just like … Karpok. Eating myself to…. happiness is just as… bad as dieting myself… to happiness," Ursa aware that some few "heretic" doctors said yo-yo dieting was actually worse than being overweight. Thinking about what her light half had said about hurting people, Ursa added, accentuating by attempting to lift her stomach, barely succeeding despite being seated on the ground, "Hurting… oh, that's heavy… myself is just… as bad as hurting… others," adding with a few tears, "This certainly feels… awful, just like being… my own meanie, but… a lot worse. Extreme weight on my… body, and in my heart. Because the meanie… still there, not loving… myself, except… I'm even worse off… than in reality," crying as she pushed her ludicrous body to stand up, barely succeeding, "Forget stopping even a… small bully. In this body… boy, if you can… call it that, I'd… be worthless in a… fight. Couldn't help anyone… like this, aside from kind… words, and even then, I… don't think I'd be around for very… long."

Her light half nodded, saying, "This too shall end - remember how I asked you to 'train' earlier?" Figuring what her light half wanted, Ursa nodded, saying, "Yes," attempting to do what she had before, finding even bending with her arms to be exhausting, much less moving from where she stood to fight with sword and shield - or even dodge an attack. Jetting around using her hands and feet - Ursa was pretty sure blue Avatar State flamejets wouldn't have been enough. Just basic firebending forms made her sweat profusely - feel like she had just tried to wrestle a Colossus, finding her old inner physical strength was gone as well. Panting heavily after trying to use her sword on a rock, her arm's range of movement greatly limited, not even connecting with it, having tried and failed to lift her shield earlier, Ursa closed her eyes, thinking about something else as she caught her breath.

The unanswered question - on her mattering or not. Dust or a leaf in the wind in a world dominated by others - not even able to help her father and the reinforcements tonight!

Deciding to put it off, Ursa envisioned herself giving in to her stomach's demands, her vision eating more as it embraced the sickness of unreality as her plain fat twelve-year old self had - growing at an alarming rate. Not one to want to watch herself swell up even more, Ursa proclaimed, Ursa in the vision still gaining, EATING above all else, "There is nothing… for me there, on that… path - I couldn't help… others like this… and I would be miserable," adding as the gargantuan Ursa in her vision stopped eating after crying heavily, returning to her normal body size, "Worst of all… I would only just… barely be able to… help myself…" surprised to find herself adding, "Even if I am… not the Avatar… I do matter. To my family… and I would not… want to leave them… before my time."

The table full of food turned to ash by the Ursa in her vision with blue fire, Ursa opened her eyes, seeing her light half disintegrate into a million golden pieces. At first Ursa panicked, by now vaguely used to what she certainly hoped was a temporary body, the earlier, the tall 300 pound model her light half had favored a fashion star by comparison with this behemoth. Ursa mustered all her might to yell, waving and puffing, "Wait - don't go… where are you…" getting her answer when the shimmering cloud descended on her, feeling herself shrink, tears running down her cheeks for multiple reasons.

To be freed from the fleshy prison, pretty sure she wouldn't go looking for Karpok now - not after that. Karpok could solve her own problems - Ursa might even make things worse for both of them! Also, to have made some sort of further progress on the weight issue, where she thought she couldn't - though in an unexpected direction. Ursa had worried she might forget some of her dreams; she was very sure she'd never forget that. She was pretty sure the image of herself at over 900 pounds, the helplessness she felt - it would stay with her forever, hoping the experience wouldn't end up serving as fuel for the other half of her body problem - her desire to get thin…

But most of all… she loved the words she heard as her light half returned, cherishing every moment as the voice said as flecks re-united with Ursa, "As far as working through your issues, loving yourself, putting in the effort, 'me' talking and telling you things, aside from things about others… there was no light half - only you and your conscience. I am the true you - the you you have chosen, through much hardship. The sum of the good and bad within you, Ursa - linked to everyone else on our planet," Ursa nodding and closing her eyes after the voice said, "It took you appearing as an outside force to accept what you have known to be true all along - the next step is to do it without the help of a spirit doppler. You make a wonderful big sister - and I am sure you'll make a wonderful mother someday. Before then… you have some things to watch. To help no one but yourself - you more than matter, Ursa. You forget a lot of what you have done - and people you think powerful and influential are just as much dust and leaves on the wind as you are, influenced by things beyond their control. It is simply the nature of the world - but just because random things blow you around doesn't mean you don't matter. You could have let depression bowl you over - but you didn't."

Ursa still not sure how what she had done in her life was so great, or how Avatar Korra could possibly be as much a leaf in the wind as she was, she saw an image of her light half shake its head, sighing, "It is great that you are still here - not dead by your own hand, or on your way in the real world towards your earlier weight. I can sense you still don't truly appreciate much… Perhaps you should have stayed at your previous weight of… 953 pounds." Ursa's eyes widened to hear exactly how heavy she had been wondering why she'd been told the information, knowing at that weight the hundred and thirty she wanted to lose for real would have been chump change, listening to the response: "When you were there, you could have done nothing - except lose weight with a lot of hard work, keep eating to stay where you were and miserable without recognizing it, or - blech - try and 'go outward and onward' to set a weight record, trying to gain outside recognition for your 'achievements' that way. Making a spectacle out of yourself. As the Ursa in that vision might have decided to do, graduating beyond 'competing' with Karpok. Like that, you couldn't have been truly useful to anyone. Even kind words from someone so out of balance wouldn't do much, people rightfully questioning the words given their source."

By this point Ursa was looking down at the floor, looking up with a slight smile when her light half continued, "True happiness does not come from outside you - it comes from within, by accepting reality the way it is. Regardless, I'll say something on 'mattering' - given your obsession with it. To a large extent, how much you matter and how much good - or bad - you can do is up to you and how much willpower you display; the rest is up to random chance and other's actions. You just have never looked at yourself with neutral eyes - always judging. I am done doing your job - for now. Goodbye."

The voice fading, Ursa wasn't entirely sure what was next, still finding herself wherever… here was, nothing having changed, aside from being back in her own body.

Standing around for a short time, Ursa found herself looking into the still-present mirror. Feeling emotion well up within her, seeing her own body more as an old friend than curse after having directly experienced what some part of her insisted on calling an alternate, seen a 300-pound twelve year old self more obsessed with food than Karpok was but still hurting, Ursa waited a few seconds - expecting to hear her more mature voice speak. Remembering some of its last words, she realized she needed to speak to herself much as it had, saying in her best attempt at loving herself, "I'm…" ending up crying, words flowing, "I'm just doing the best I can. Even if something happened, catastrophic - like the fall of Republic City - I would just be trying my best then, even if I ended up 'needing' to temporarily drown sorrow with food," remembering that while it had been futile in the short run… eating like that had given her temporary good feelings, finishing, "Eating to fill a hole… I've done it before - when I was ten, wrestling with the endless void of depression. I remember now - it got me through those dark days, until I had the maturity and knowledge to get myself out of that hole. And I'd do it again. I'd rather gain, gain, gain to live and see another day and lose after, than… give in to darkness completely, ending my story before it has finished. Or embracing the fat fully - euch, I can't even speak of that one anymore… practically suicide by food. Life, turned to death…"

Not entirely sure why talk of suicide seemed fresh somehow, herself having been badgermoled over and over by something within to take her own life to end her sorrows long ago, Ursa began crying again. Remembering further temptation at the age of fourteen, that time to slip further into obsession over cleansing herself, living in her own world, Ursa said, smiling defiantly as she imagined spitting at her skin and bones dark half, "Suicide. Insanity. The ULTIMATE UNREALITIES. Never - I'd rather live the rest of my days as a near half-ton human camelephant obsessed with food or a skinny spirit of a girl than let that part of me win." Ursa found herself not minding her arms' thickness as she raised it, shouting, "Better 'Camelephant Ursa' than 'Dead Ursa'. Whatever it takes to be alive. TO LIFE - no matter how hard it can be!"

The object of her derision actually appearing in the glass temporarily, Ursa smiled to see her doppler look absolutely livid, bones easily visible through its skin as they glowed red-hot in hatred, frustration and fury. It couldn't even speak properly, speaking in a tongue Ursa recognized from earlier, characters appearing on the screen that said, "My temptation of you… only made you stronger. I have failed… yet again! Were it that I could reach out from this pane - shatter your soul into a million shards! Extinguish you forever!" the surface beginning to boil after another incoherent, hate-filled string of speech Ursa couldn't understand.

The doppler looking miserable, part of Ursa was tempted to pile on much as she might have two years ago. Resisting the urge, sure it was a worse one to give in to than to gorge herself to the size she "was" before, that giving in would taint her soul rather than her body, Ursa instead frowned sadly when the doppler screeched, apparently upset she had decided to leave it alone. Walk away - not poke the poisonous snake as she had before.

The mirror shattering into seemingly endless shards, Ursa felt tempted to move, stopping when that issue she didn't want to talk about any further than she had already came back into her mind, Ursa saying with disgust, "Great - so I've done all this WONDERFUL stuff 'tonight', but aside from my family, Warmwings, Lee-Lee and my dad's friend Renshi… who's going to care? I'm just another out of millions in Republic City alone," whining, "My one big chance to go do something - cheated from me, because I was dreaming - like I am right now!"

A most unpleasant sensation coming over her, Ursa saw something leave her, her light self looking extremely angry and hurt once it had materialized in front of her, saying as it cried a little, "Do you not listen? If not to me, at least to your dark half!" Ursa cocked her head, saying, "Huh? What do you mean?" Ursa's eyes widened when she heard a replay of earlier from some unknown place, hearing her dark half scream as though from a high-quality recording, part stressed, "Especially after what you've done to ME over the years - you were supposed to be dead!" Remembering her earlier near decapitation, wondering just how real this place was, Ursa began to cry. Part of her wanting a hug, a glass of milk and a single cookie, she shook her head, saying, "No - no food," utterly baffled when her light half produced what she wanted from thin air, listening as it said, "She almost did get you - I did break the fact you were wounded to you gently for a reason, after all. Here - take this. And use it. Show that you meant what you said earlier about 'camelephant Ursa,' more appropriately, food for necessary comfort - it has no calories anyways."

Taking the glass and plate, sitting down, Ursa felt relieved when she felt her normal-sized bottom against the floor, having half expect to swell back to her earlier size as a result of failing this small "test". Ursa looked down at her cup when her light half sniffed a little, saying, "Wh - no. Swelling you to almost half a ton, for accepting three cookies and a glass of milk? That's just… cruel! I wouldn't ever do that to you - the first part was to teach you a lesson, and you did the rest. Not me." Pausing momentarily, her light half continued, Ursa too busy listening to bother with even the milk, "Look - I know you have an intense interest in the world. Know about Raava, Vaatu, Long Yumao, Jinshu Kuangmai - everything that's been released about them, you've snapped up. Both out of curiosity, and concern. And you also wonder why you matter."

Ursa nodded her head, saying, "Yes - I do. Aside from mattering to my family, Lee-Lee, and Renshi, and just a stubborn will to live, partially out of spite of what was in my way at times more than anything else… I didn't really have any reason to resist the depression. I'm not one of the big movers and shakers - not that I expect to be, being all of sixteen. But I still feel insignificant - small, as before a Colossus." Her light half sighed, saying with a frown as Ursa drank the milk, savoring how it soothed her more than anything else, "I guess all my talk earlier did nothing. You were remarkably strong during the evacuation of Republic City, being in the refugee camps - but I think seeing a huge spirit energy fueled fireball nearly engulf your home and much around it has had a much bigger effect on you than you think. You'd do well to remember that, until recently, the Avatar herself was just as helpless against the platinum monstrosity - only able to get inside it and do what she needed to do after the sacrifice made by Hiroshi Sato. "

Ursa still sighed nonetheless, finding herself wishing for and getting a cold lemonade to drink instead, saying after a refreshing sip, "I don't see how that's supposed to make me feel better," adding with a raised brow, "And just what do you mean, 'until recently'? What, they come up with a superweapon of their own or something?" Her lighter half gave her a stern glare, saying, "If you would be nearly as observant as the similarities between you and others, how you're better off than they are even in some ways, how they are as much at the whims of chance and others as you, as you were of minor slips of the tongue, you'd be a lot better off." Her light half the one who had not answered a question still, it sighed slightly, saying, "Sorry - don't know if I have clearance for that," Ursa immediately saying, "Wh - so you do have a link to all that!" Ursa not speaking after another glare - getting the message when her light half said with a final air, "Maybe if you talk about what we need to - you mattering, other people's lives compared to yours, see if you can get this dust and leaves in the wind out of your head once and for all - I'll tell you even the tiniest bit. We both know you're loyal to Republic City - not about to go telling Jinshu Kuangmai how to kill and conquer better."

Smiling slightly, not entirely sure if she was the manipulator or manipulatee, her light half laughed, saying, "Neither. Raava started the Spirit Civil War on accident - but she's stuck with it, for every person on the planet, from Avatar Korra to Jinshu Kuangmai. Including me, you, your whole family, apartment block - the whole planet. There's no unnecessary tricks or deception involved - want that, shoo me away - talk to that skinny bit- who tried to kill you with your own sword." Ursa simply nodding, she took another drink of lemonade as her light half asked, "Since you have an obvious block on seeing yourself as mattering - something the re-experiencing of your life later should help with, the whole reason I'm helping you with that - I want you to try and use that big shared brains of ours. Think about how your life compares to the people who make you feel insignificant, even though they'd be appalled to hear such things. See things through a new lens. See if you can see leaves and dust blowing through the wind - and not thinking their existence is meaningless just because the wind can move them from the course they'd prefer to take."

Finishing the glass, Ursa felt slightly goofy for some reason, pretending she was playing with Buniq, saying as she held the glass up to her eye, looking through the bottom, "You mean a lens like this?" Her light half chuckling slightly, Ursa knew it was time to think and be serious when it hinted, "A sister - and normal family life. A loving home. One of your blessings. I want you to think on this important subject - compare yourself to others. Leave the other part about dust in the wind for last - as the solution to what I ask you to do now will need resolution."

Thinking first of Avatar Korra, Ursa ventured, "I've read and heard all sorts of things about how Avatar Aang requested Avatar Korra's… unique childhood experience with the White Lotus," continuing with more confidence, "Found at the age of four… Avatar Korra's life has been practically nothing but being the Avatar, the Universe throwing her a dirty shot when she thought she was going to have easy going from here on out after beating Kuvira. The balance she's supposed to maintain… disrupted by Raava's unasked for gifts inciting ungrateful spirits to revolt. The Earth Empire - not dead just because its leader surrendered, a new, much worse monster ruling it." Her light half nodded, saying, "While it is good to see the famous and powerful as people just like you, feel sympathy for them… try thinking about the White Lotus' effects on her more personally, the Avatar as a person - less on the now."

Trying again, remembering she needed to compare herself with Avatar Korra, something finally clicked in her brain, connecting unseen dots. Actually starting to cry, Ursa said, "I went to school with all the other kids - she was raised at the South Pole inside a White Lotus compound, away from her mom and dad a lot. I might not be special like she is, the Avatar - but I have something she never had, never will have. A normal childhood - as far as I know, still the Avatar first… Korra second." Thinking about what such an environment might do to someone's self-esteem and self-image, Ursa again saw her idol in a different light, considering Avatar Korra's… initially clueless arrival and subsequent actions in Republic City, saying, "For me, at the age of twelve, when the Avatar first came to my home, I already had my identity - Ursa, the big kid who does as much as she can when she can, picked on because of her size - but also a survivor, having gotten through horrible depression. Korra … she came here with one identity - being the Avatar. Aside from fighting, until relatively recently, after her changes following her uncle's defeat… she didn't know about much else," remembering how the press release after Harmonic Convergence had shown how… easily manipulated Korra had been by Unalaq. Ursa was pretty sure experience with a schoolyard bully twice Korra's age tricking her would have helped with that. To say nothing of regular contact with her parents…

For the first time in her life, Ursa didn't find herself wishing to be Avatar Korra - she could handle her own life, but wasn't sure how she'd handle Avatar Korra's…

Hazily remembering a quote her grandmother had told her when Ursa was struggling with depression, Ursa said, to her light half's great pleasure, "Just because you're powerful or famous doesn't mean you're not a person - with their own problems. I remember poor Avatar Aang - waking up after a hundred years to a world at war, just twelve and facing up against a world superpower - the same age I was when Amon attacked Republic City… I guess Avatar Korra was similarly jilted - by his protective orders, no less, then had the things that defined her taken from her by a charismatic idiot, tricked by her uncle, poisoned by a madman who wanted her dead just because she was the Avatar - defeated Kuvira, only for more threats to pop up. And people expect her to use her power to solve it all… But Avatar Korra turned out okay anyways. We're all given what we need to deal with our problems - and given I'm still here, I've dealt with mine fairly well." At the last two words, her light half frowned slightly, saying, "While that is very good progress - 'fairly well' is a massive understatement. You mentioned you being twelve when Amon attacked - but didn't mention how you acted, instead focusing on Aang's struggles. What would he think of what you did?"

Ursa felt torn - part of her remembering only that she had failed helping her father, the other, remembering that they had tried. Deciding to remember the truth, that they had tried and failed anyways but not regretted it, Ursa gave her light half a smile, saying, "I bet he'd think it was pretty cool."

Her light half smiled broadly, part of Ursa feeling a bit scared, another part, defiant when her light half said, "Good. You would do well to remember your actions back then more - maybe actually display what you earned on your person. Not to show off - but to remind yourself of the past, and that given Republic City is both the home to a -for now - walled off Spirit Portal and possibly the strongest nation opposing Jinshu Kuangmai, that you may need to act again. Not in the far future - soon."

Ursa nodded, remembering everything that was likely happening as she slept - her father, his direct commander General Iroh, Commander Raionhato having recently resigned due to… differences of opinion of a man Ursa was still puzzled had chosen to leave - President Raiko. Along with citizens who had been awake at the time, Earth Empire defectors inspired by a woman Ursa only knew by her name and former position - "Chief Containment Officer" Jasmine - and Equalists brought out of hiding by a desire to make sure the still-alive Earth Empire wouldn't be triumphant this time, all of the unlikely allies were heading to the heart of the Earth Empire…

To help the Avatar evacuate Omashu, and prevent the prison camp Jasmine was likely holed up in right now from being snuffed out by Jinshu Kuangmai.

Remembering her history of the Hundred Year's war, Ursa's eyes widened - realizing for the first time in full force that even the Avatar needed help. Then as now, formerly ordinary citizens had risen to the call to help Avatar Aang defeat the Fire Nation, no one person by themselves capable of doing it all by themselves.

Thinking about both Avatar Korra and her predecessor Avatar Aang, his predecessor Avatar Roku, his predecessor Avatar Kyoshi, her predecessor Avatar Kuruk, his predecessor Avatar Yangchen… and the man turned Avatar who had started it all, Avatar Wan, Ursa ignored her light half when it said, "Good, good - that's a major breakthrough."

What she had done for herself and Avatar Korra, trying to think about her experiences as Ursa knew them - she wanted to do with everyone else, now remembering the fact that there had been conflict ever since Avatar Wan's time. According to the stories that circulated after Harmonic Convergence, his last breath had been on a battlefield, having failed to win some long-forgotten fight.

Ursa was surprised when her light half stepped closer, asking, "And just what do you hope to gain from this?" Ursa shrugged, saying, "I don't know," her light half frowned slightly, saying, "I can see what you cannot - the likely path your thoughts may take." After a slight pause, it nodded, saying, "Perhaps it will be most impactful your way - not mine. Go ahead - but keep in mind that while the life review, being in the past, will not take real time, this will - being in a dream."

Not really caring about time, planning on sleeping until 12:00 PM in the afternoon anyways, Ursa thought about Avatar Aang's life, saying, "Four years ago, I saw my city come under attack by madmen. Three years ago, the world nearly ended - Avatar Aang's granddaughter Jinora helping his successor see the light within and win. Shortly after that, I just read about the happenings and subsequent chaos in the Earth Kingdom, Avatar Korra's poisoning, Kuvira's rise to power. And literally just over a week ago, that former tyrant attacked my home - though few were hurt, even if the physical heart of the city was lost." Finally getting to her realization, Ursa began crying, saying simply, "When I got back, everyone I knew and loved was still there. When Avatar Aang woke up from slumber inside his ball of ice… he came back to nothing, his people 100 years dead," exhaling before saying, "Coming back to nothing but skeletons - I would rather be myself than Avatar Aang."

Ursa was surprised to hear light clapping, hearing her light half say, "That… wasn't what I expected," cursing heartily when Ursa said, "He was powerless to stop what happened - only able to pick up the ashes, his people long scattered to the wind, like leaves…" Her light half crossed its arms, saying, "I'll just listen - not judge."

Ursa moving on to Avatar Roku, the last Avatar of her element, she found she didn't have very much to say that was personal, thinking out loud, "Avatar Roku was friends with the man who masterminded the Air Nomad Genocide in his youth and later - sparing his friend out of memory of the past, only to be betrayed by his old friend Firelord Sozin in his old age, when Avatar Roku - partially by stubbornness, partially by random chance - perished on his home island fighting a volcano… his old friend refusing to save him," Ursa starting to feel depressed when she finished, "I may have only one good friend, Lee-Lee - but one good friend is worth more than a thousand fakes. Avatar Roku had the chance to keep things in control - punished and not rewarded for his trust, unable to control what his lifelong friend did -or rather, did not do. Betrayed by my best friend - I would rather be myself the Avatar Roku."

Noticing her light half kept its promise, not speaking, Ursa moved on to Avatar Kyoshi, saying, "Avatar Kyoshi lived during another time of turmoil - doing nothing to stop Chin The Conqueror until he showed up at her doorstep, unlike Avatar Korra, who tried stopping Kuvira the 'Great Uniter' when she had literally just had poisonous mercury removed from her veins entirely. Avatar Kyoshi lived to over 200 years old - likely seeing two or more sets of friends die before she did. One of her greatest legacies, the Kyoshi Warriors, stayed true to her vision long after death - while the Dai Li did not." Ursa seeing such a long life as a curse and not a blessing, preferring to grow old and die with someone than love them, outlive them, and go further on, she said, "I would rather be myself than Avatar Kyoshi, not see my legacy ruined - and would rather have Avatar Korra as my Avatar than her. I can only hope that the spirits that have flocked to Avatar Korra's side, Raava's side - like Warmwings - do not betray humanity as the Dai Li betrayed Avatar Kyoshi's vision for them. Both Avatar Korra and Avatar Kyoshi are, or were, powerless to stop either event."

By now used to the silence, Ursa wiped a tear from her face, saying simply, "Avatar Kuruk didn't do his job - and lost his loved one's face as punishment, Ummi's face now belonging to one of his elemental successor's foes, Koh the Face Stealer," adding, "A spirit which once helped Avatar Aang indirectly - and now serves at humanity's wild-card foe's side, Long Yumao." Taking a deep breath, imagining herself trying to keep her own face, Ursa said in a monotone, "I would rather be myself than Avatar Kuruk, and keep my own face and those of the ones I love," remaining stony still as emotion welled up within her, saying in the same monotone voice, suppressing tears, "And I hope that everyone else who runs into that spirit can keep their face as well - though I do not have much faith, unsure why Avatar Kuruk did not simply kill Koh the Face Stealer."

Seeing something strange appear in the distance, she watched as a small monkey came into view. Keeping her face expressionless, she watched as it approached her - not reacting when she saw that its face was blank after dramatic chatter from it. Ursa saw a jet of blue fire lash out at the faceless monkey, hearing her light half say, "I was going to laugh and say good performance, Ursa - until this guy showed up! Hope it's just a performance… Shoo - go on now, get! Go spy on someone else!"

The faceless monkey let out a low whine after another blue fireball, running off into the distance after letting out a loud simian, "AhAAAAH!" and vanishing from sight. Ursa felt relieved, her light half saying, "It appears someone has an interest in you - though I am not wholly sure why." Trying to think about what she knew about Koh, Ursa said, "I've read about all the Avatar's lives I could get my hands on - all seven of them. Koh helping Avatar Aang, knowing about Admiral Zhao's plans… he seemed to have the ability to see beyond the Spirit World even when the portals were still closed. You mentioned guessing what I might talk about, and Koh's supposed to be old - maybe… he can actually see a bit of the future now? Or what someone might do, just like Admiral Zhao intending to kill Tui?"

Her light half looked uncomfortable, admitting, "I wouldn't normally say anything, but… that chittering spy got in here somehow, so I feel like I need to. That… goes along with something Avatar Korra got earlier - Koh telling her a riddle he stumbled upon about the future, vaguely like Iroh's 'prophecies' she's mentioned semi-publically - but a whole lot denser."

Ursa had wanted to be relevant, matter, do something important - but felt nervous and confused nonetheless, saying, "So… that means he thinks I might do something? Koh? Long Yumao?" Her light half shrugged, saying, "Who knows - even the riddle Avatar Korra got was really unclear. 'For every yin, there is a yang, even between different kinds of darkness. Reciprocity is coming' - whatever that means."

Without context, Ursa had no idea what to make of it either, returning to what she had been doing before the… curious visitor, saying, "Anyways. Avatar Yangchen - she made an agreement with a hostile spirit named Old Iron long ago, and helped Avatar Aang a few times," admitting, "Aside from the fact that Avatar Aang sent Old Iron back to the sea after people violated the agreement she set up with him - into United Republic of Nations waters, now that I think about it - I don't know much about her, aside from the fact that the rebel leader in Omashu is named after her - and that she was willing to kill to preserve peace when necessary, where Avatar Aang was reluctant." Trying to think of something, Ursa simply shrugged, saying, "I don't know - I guess the whole thing with Old Iron popping up later, mad at humans for breaking an Avatar's word - it's like both Avatar Kyoshi's Dai Li ending up corrupt, and what happened recently, Avatar Korra - no, Raava - making a bunch of spirits mad. Avatar Yangchen couldn't stop Old Iron from coming back - now that I think about it, she tried - blocked from talking to him soon enough by some dumb decision Avatar Aang made, totally out of her control."

About to do her "I'd rather be myself" part, Ursa stopped when her light half smiled slightly, saying, "And you said you didn't know much about Avatar Yangchen," Ursa feeling like it was fishing for something. Ursa smiled slightly, saying, "I do know a lot, I guess, and can recall it well," continuing after her light half made motions for her to continue, "I don't have much to say about rather not being Avatar Yangchen - she seems like a good Avatar to me, from what I know - but I do know I'd rather be myself, 'overeducated smarty pants', than not even knowing who Amon was when he attacked Republic City, like I imagine some of my oh so pretty and 'shapely' classmates might have, were school not canceled."

Her lighter half smiled broadly, saying, "That's the kind of thing I'm looking for," snorting slightly when Ursa interjected, "Better a big gut and big brain than an air gut and air brain," saying as she moved on to what she knew of Avatar Wan's life, "Wan. The first Avatar - not a whole ton was released about him aside from how the world once was, his decision to close the portals, Raava versus Vaatu, but I got the distinct impression by what was said, or rather, not said, that he didn't really have many humans friends," Ursa crying a little as she remembered more, "His old friends, who didn't like the human status quo in his old home… ending up fighting his spirit friends, and the people losing their lives after the spirit he accidentally released, Vaatu, did something to his spirit friends. Made them give in to hate and rage, despite his pleading…"

Remembering what she had said earlier about Wan's dying breath, Ursa started crying harder, saying, "Wh- different spirit now, same thing in a way. It's like we've come full circle - bad humans causing problems, while a hateful spirit's running amok, feeding off their bad behavior and discord just like Vaatu fed. Long Yumao - not Vaatu powerful. But with Sudden Death - just not quite yet… all that spirit needs to do is catch Raava off guard while she's not in her host, teapot exposed - maybe even with Koh's help. Like the monkey that snuck 'in here' somehow… one of them spirits the teapot and Vaatu away, the now much weaker spirit Vaatu loses - the end. Ten thousand years, nothing's changed," finally sitting down, sighing, "After how many Avatars - thing still aren't fixed," alarming her light half when she said dejectedly, "Raava becoming more 'human-y' - maybe even that's dust in the wind, irrelevant. Ten thousand years of trying to restore balance - never accomplished. Meaningless…"

Feeling a familiar despair begin to creep into her, thinking as she did from time to time that nothing mattered, much more often her own insignificance, having thought of how even the Avatar's actions hadn't changed anything in ten thousand year's worth of incarnations, Ursa looked up - smiling slightly to see a vaguely familiar form approaching. Seeing it as a dragonfly bunny spirit while it was still distant, she asked, "Warmwings? Is that you?" not having remembered her cute friend to be quite that… big.

Having seen a bit more of the spirit, Ursa's eyes widened to see its form. The spirit was massive, Ursa pretty sure it could have tossed her near half-ton self around like a rag doll if it wanted, looking more like a Vaatu-corrupted dragonfly bunny spirit than her friend, not sure if the spirit was closing in on her for a hug or to kill her.

Looking closer, Ursa breathed a sigh of relief to see Warmwing had different shades of blue covering most of her intimidating form, wings, eyes, face and rings around its feet glowing a bright white. She watched in horror when Warmwings still came at her full tilt anyways, changing direction at the last moment in a flutter of the spirit's twin wings, coming in behind her.

Feeling a strong hit from a large, strong paw in the middle of her back, Ursa felt outraged, betrayed - and yet, not hurt. Almost as though she had been helped slightly, somehow…

Looking up and around, Ursa heard her friend trill for the first time since she had run off - bracing herself for more strikes accordingly. As Ursa felt more jabs on her back, more as deluxe love taps than the strong strikes that they were, she was puzzled when her lighter half said, "Again, how long this takes and how well it sticks is up to you - though this thing your spirit friend wants to dislodge is far more dangerous than the unreality of 'gorge-id' obesity."

Still not having a clue what was going on, why a spirit so powerful would stop fighting Long Yumao's adherents for this, the strikes stopped, hearing Warmwings trill sadly before her light half said, "I was afraid of this. Worse than the outcome I had guessed at earlier… Here - maybe you need it spelled out for you," adding, "I was wrong earlier - the Avatar had a relatively simple unreality to overcome - which she did almost all on her own. You… have been carrying it around inside you for years. Probably predating your depression, even. And, in many ways, living it. Not in here - in the real world."

Some part of Ursa screaming that what she had been told was a lie, she listened intently as her light half explained, Warmwings now a normal size and nuzzling her face with concern, "While I was glad to hear you say you'd rather be yourself than anyone else seven times, even if you never openly said it about the current Avatar… thinking even the Avatar as pointless is far beyond my worse fears for 'you' when you started thinking." Pausing for a moment, walking over to her, it said after gently brushing Warmwings aside and touching Ursa's stomach and then her head, "The first thing I touched - your stomach, home of the Fire Chakra. Home of the unrealities of both bulimia - which you have only dabbled with, thankfully, never reaching anorexia - and of gorging yourself to fill your problems as you did earlier in this dream - but comparatively, never in the real world, the extra weight you gained eating to help you through depression paltry by comparison."

Again poking her head, as though something was inside it that might reach out and attack, her light half continued, "This - your head, the throat connected to it, the brain and mind within the skull which rests atop your throat and spine - is the home of more chakras and unrealities than any other place in the body. Three of the most important as well - each more important than the last for achieving long-term spiritual enlightenment. AND happiness." Touching again as it spoke, Ursa's light half continued, saying things she knew were true but hadn't wanted to face, "The throat - the Sound Chakra - physically the source of speech, the truths and lies you tell others - and for you, most of all, the lies you tell yourself within. So often… The forehead - the Light Chakra - behind it where you store much of yourself," Ursa getting the impression she had just been given a slight reward in the form of knowledge when her light half continued, "Your actions, thoughts, deeds, everything changing and shaping the vital connections within that you have already felt as pulsing lightning."

Thinking about how people stopped functioning when hit with electricity, Ursa chuckled weakly and guiltily as her light half admonished her, "Now is not the time to think, least of all about such paltry things as that - now is the time to listen. You cannot listen while you are thinking." Taking a deep breath, repeating a few times to clear her mind of all thought, Ursa listened as her light half continued, "Your brain is capable of seeing great insights - and perpetuating great illusions. The human mind's superiority over other animals is a curse and a blessing - a rabbit could never master the use of metal, but does not have to worry about the world around it being really as it is. The rabbit sees through innocent eyes - no filters in place, much like your little sister Buniq. A human can master fire and agriculture, then metal - and war, one of the ultimate pinnacles of illusion run rampant. Man can see through thousands of filters - many of them leading to bad things, such as seeing your own life through a greying filter. Not seeing the color and vibrancy that is there." Pausing for a moment, Ursa sick to her stomach to hear Warmwings trill sadly, yet not in the least tempted to eat and eat somehow, Ursa listened as her light half apparently finished, "War - one of the ultimate illusions. The kind of war you wage on yourself without realizing it. In the words of a wise woman you love dearly, 'being your own meanie'. You have plenty of other illusions as well - particularly one that pertains to the wind."

Simply being for a short time, Ursa finally picked up on the fact that her light half had ignored a chakra, saying over its frustrated groan, "You said there were three - you only talked about two. What about the final one? Oh quit grumbling - I know where it is too, and what it deals with. The Thought Chakra - dealing with pure cosmic energy, blocked by earthly attachments. What kind of unreality's there?"

Ursa realizing that technically one should be able to unlock that chakra by suicide, the body the most basic earthly attachment she could think of, she began crying in horror, listening as her light half said, looking conflicted, "Good - use that big mind of yours to think, gain insight - into the fact that not all that is taught is true or makes sense. Into that illusions can be passed on as insight. To answer your question - thinking that you need to detach yourself from earthly concerns is one in of itself. The Avatar, meant to be a balancing force in the world, cannot sit atop a mountaintop and just think to be effective. The Avatar needs to be invested in the world - be attached. It is his or her job to help balance it, after all." Ursa nodded, saying, "Yeah - duh," her light half laughing slightly, continuing, "You know a lot of Aang's life - his visit with Guru Pathik. He was willing to 'give up' Katara in the catacombs beneath Ba Sing Se - but would have called the man crazy had he suggested killing himself to unlock the final chakra." Ursa had considered the whole thing crazy herself - having wondered what kind of merger between supreme being of light and order and a human would require giving up love to go into and out of the Avatar State at will, love a feeling Ursa was sure was a better way to connect to pure cosmic energy than severing your connection to the world, as Avatar Aang had ended up doing temporarily. To her knowledge, the only people nuts enough to have done it for longer than Avatar Aang being "Guru" Laghima and Zaheer, when they entered the void…

Ursa wondering if doing such a thing meant thinking nothing mattered permanently. Tantamount to suicide, but remaining living… feeling nothing but void, all the time.

And having done so deliberately - not with the "assistance" of depression.

Thinking a bit more, Ursa wondered if she'd ever unlock her chakras, whatever that might have done for her, not being the Avatar - pretty sure that if she were Avatar Korra she'd rather love Asami Sato and never enter the Avatar State again, rather than give up the thing that made life worth living and be able to glow it up as much as she liked.

Ursa's eyes widened when her light half smiled, saying, "What Guru Pathik told Aang to do is not the only way to clear the seventh chakra - letting go of your earthly attachments, or as Zaheer did, 'entering the void', are all just the same basic way to connect to the universe - and nothing else. The other two ways, however, are more 'palatable' - strengthening your connection to the universe by living and loving in it, focusing on why you want to continue living is one way, romantic attachment one of the strongest whys. The other… I'll let you sleuth that one out."

Having trouble following her light half's logic, Ursa laughed when Warmwings trilled in confusion, hearing it is, "I dunno - it's part of you! You should know! Just tell it to spill the beans!"

Thinking over it for a short time, trying to see how it might fit in with life, everyone around, everything mattering, Ursa guessed, feeling more and more confident as she went on, "Well, they might not care about chakras while they're doing it - but I know plenty of people, past and current, who connected to the world in a different way. Living in it and passionately hating others, focusing on what they wanted, wanted to continue to grow. Their power, influence… having an intimate relationship with hate. Trying to shape the world in their image."

Her light half smiled, saying, "Good," continuing after poking her forehead, "Now, use that big brain of yours to think some more - see if you can pierce the illusion that still hinders you."

Thinking of one thing from both light and dark perspectives - the final chakra - Ursa realized she had chosen to examine all good people's lives earlier - not cast a judgmental eye on people like Ozai, Amon, Unalaq, Zaheer, the old Kuvira…

Realizing the whole reason Warmwings had come, what she had been trying to knock out of her, Ursa said after thinking through her words for a moment, smiling broadly, "Firelord Ozai - he literally had the world at his fingertips, fate not having been kind to his enemies. One lucky hit of a rock to Aang's back later, the tables were reversed - rather than being 'Phoenix King', he ended up living out the rest of his days in a jail cell while his rebellious son ruled the nation Ozai once ruled, thoroughly undoing all Ozai's work. His daughter, Azula - lost control at just the wrong moment, finally paying a heavy toll for her previous madness - actual insanity, run off into woods years later, never to be seen again." Thinking about the next enemy, she continued, "Just like Amon, they couldn't keep up the charades they needed forever, or the power - Avatar Aang stripping Ozai's power, Amon's lies stripping his own once exposed as the fraud he was, Azula's own mind ultimately broken by losing control of her two close friends. Amon had executed an almost perfect plan, was even partially right, benders in the city having too much power compared to the nonbenders - never counting on his brother spilling the dark secret he had guarded tightly to Avatar Korra. He counted on his sick ability to defeat the Avatar and take her bending without anyone seeing the incriminating evidence, make her nothing in her own eyes most likely - ending up being defeated after trying to take Mako's bending backfired and she managed to do something she thought she could never do, bending air."

Seeing her light half smiling like it had just figured out how to break both Long Yumao and Jinshu Kuangmai's power with a single word, Ursa said it out loud, saying, "Love. The wild card - from the time of Wan, until now. Ozai had Iroh turning Zuko - Amon had to deal with Asami Sato betraying her father out of a different kind of love, friendship. Unalaq hadn't counted on that while scheming - Kya keeping her niece Jinora alive even after she had been tossed into the Fog of Lost Souls, and Jinora deciding to stay in the Spirit World and help find Raava - likely not caring if she died in the process, selflessly caring only about helping the world. In the end, dissipated with his own spirit-calming technique," still adding, "In the end, both he and Amon got what they wanted - but only partially. My home changed forever for the better, twice - after the change to true democracy, and the spirit portals staying open after Avatar Korra decided her uncle was right. Avatar Wan's decision was right for his time - but not for ours, unable to stop Avatar Korra."

Feeling good, yet sick somehow at the same time, Ursa gave Warmwings a hug, the dragonfly bunny spirit trilling happily as Ursa felt its soft fur. The next part would be easier in a way, Ursa saying, "Zaheer had assembled a team of three extremely talented, motivated and gifted people - but ended up being foiled by both the new Air Nation's teamwork and Avatar Korra's driving will to live, not restrained by the platinum chains that bound her. The poison - removed from Korra before Zaheer's very eyes, his life's work for nothing after Suyin took out what she could. His only lasting legacies - the Earth Queen's fitting demise, the chaos that followed - and was extinguished by order when Kuvira made her way around the shattered nation. Ironically, his only further contribution was to help the woman he poisoned get over what happened so she could defeat the old Kuvira."

Ursa had intended to continue, talking about her realization that the famous and infamous alike were as much dust and leaves as she was, subject to things even they couldn't control - finding that random chance more often favored the good than the bad, good people not having to maintain illusions, lies, and control and overbearing connection with those under them to be effective.

But Ursa felt like something within her wanted out - wanted out now.

Remembering how Warmwings had been trying to get her to cough up something, Ursa gave speech a go, surprised when she managed to get to the present day with great effort, saying, "Kuvira had counted on fear to help her keep control, just like Azula did - failing when both Bolin and Varrick, even the initially traitorous-seeming Zhu Li decided to listen to their consciences instead of her. Her machine was flawless - except it had one problem. She could control the machine - but she couldn't control Baatar Jr., rather killing him to take out everyone around him… with the massive weapon he had helped his engaged to design and perfect. A weapon whose workings he spilled to his estranged mother… Going into Republic City, Kuvira had never dreamed she'd end up kneeling before the Avatar after being spared from death by her own weapon - or end up… GACK! End up alongside the Avatar facing off against a man she found while being the 'Great Uniter' - and finally… UGH, yeesh, almost done… finding what she really needed. Family and peace. All someone can really ask for - and need, all the 'mattering' in the world not mattering… if you're unhappy. Which all things considered I have no reason to be - and… am going to work towards being happy instead. Not based on artificial goals, desires - dealing with my problems. Like I've… done before."

By now feeling something moving within her, Ursa was curious to see what this "unreality" associated with not mattering looked like - and above all, get it out of her, for the love of Raava! Ursa knew she mattered to her family, her little sister - and, that, in a way, it didn't really matter beyond that, given even the powerful were subject to chance and the whims of fate!

Feeling a coughing fit coming on, Ursa found herself saying, "Warmwings, back, please! ACK!" automatically - noticing with curiosity that her light half came over as well, producing what looked like a big cylindrical fishtank with blue and white metal ends. Her light half said, "Close your eyes - you DON'T want to see this," explaining after Ursa did so, feeling many quick strikes on her back, "Since a young age, outside your family, people have picked on you - made you feel less, like you do not matter. Six years ago, something horrible happened to you - depression. Starting three years ago, most intense two years ago, you gazed into the void - went chasing snakes. It's too soon for you to see what Warmwings and your breakthrough just now is trying to dislodge," Ursa crying after her light half admitted, feeling something leaving her mouth, "You struggled and fought against most of the depression - but not all of it. Being your own bully isn't the only thing you didn't question - this unreality of things not mattering has worked itself into every aspect of your life, and Warmwings may not be able to remove it all. Only time will. After this thing is out and in here, barring something unexpected happening or being done by you, just as earlier with the sense of peace and contentment… your sense of self-worth and importance will be at its highest and most balanced for a long time."

Part of her tempted to open her eyes, see the thing she could feel leaving her, knowing it must be massive given how long her light half had gone on talking, Ursa resisted. Ursa found herself thinking of her mom, dad, Buniq, Lee-Lee, Renshi, all the people she'd ever met and helped instead, seeing a brief flash of a much more recent event she hadn't really considered big until now, screaming internally, "I WANT TO SEE MY LIFE AGAIN - SEE HOW MUCH I'VE MATTERED! I never appreciated it before…" crying out loud, "I want to be reborn - like Kuvira was! I already live - I want to FEEL IT!"

Hearing her light half gasp in surprise, Ursa opened her eyes - seeing she had done so too soon, saying as she generated electricity, her light half looking frantic, "I was chasing nothing two years ago - but I know something bad when I see it!" Wishing for sword, shield, and protection, seeing a large blue and white form out of the corner of her eyes, Ursa said, taking in the ashen version of itself, "The endless hunger earlier… to matter, feed with food instead of power. Food just as easily power… like Kuvira the orphan did… it looks like someone tore a hole in your stomach, your mouth!" saying after she felt an odd sucking from the doppler's face and void eyes, "Endless quest for validation… so THIS is what it looks like!"

Hearing Warmwings trill, hearing it as, "Forget sealing it away - it looks bad! Kill it! Nobody needs that in them!" Ursa saw her light half smile slightly, saying as it produced two oddly familiar blue streams of fire around the thing, "Seal it away - so you can see what you can do to it later, after the life review. You will likely be stronger then than you are now. Keep in mind, this is largely symbolic - you'll still have to struggle after this formative moment," her light half looking vaguely surprised when Ursa said as it sealed the thing away, "That's fine with me - I've done just fine up until now without this whatever the blazes dream world, and remember how the stuff in the real world felt more genuine. The dream contentment and peace… big, but not real, like what I felt at the fridge," her light half looking very proud when she finished, "You talked about reality versus unreality - this dream's halfway in between, so I'm not stopping until I've dealt with it 'outside' - as I've always done."

The containment device now filled with a dark, ever-shifting gas that seemed to have volume and substance, especially given how every so often a hand would form, banging against the wall in vain, her light half said, to Ursa's surprise, "While I admire the sentiment, the work ethic… from what I've managed to gather, this inner dream world's meant to make things easier, have a lasting effect outside. Your dark half was right about some things - this place, a creation of Raava." Still a bit suspicious, wondering if this was another test - temptation like that her skinny dark half had tried to pull off earlier, except with false promise of a cleansed mind for little work rather than new body for no effort, Ursa laughed when her light half sighed with irritation, saying, "No - I - WE don't work like that," admitting with a smile, "Though, it is always good to question," finishing as it patted the contained unreality, "Especially considering the 'size' of this thing. And, to be truthful - 'we' are not entirely sure how well the experiences carry over just yet, so you'd still be wise to keep your work ethic."

Smiling broadly, her light half said, as though remembering something, "Before your… more recent unfortunate decision to gorge yourself, earlier you showed very good control while healing your wounds, and then some. That, along with getting this thing out much more than I expected - I don't think you'll have problems with this unreality we're in, having dealt with it yourself before." Ursa felt… proud? blushing slightly as she said, "Thank you," glad to see her light half nod when she asked, pointing to the container, "We done with this thing for now, or what? I wanna move on!"

Recalling a promise her light half had made about letting her see something if Ursa put the work in on herself, Ursa remembering her mother telling her that work was love made visible, Ursa's eyes widened to the size of saucers when her light half smiled. It began speaking after a borderline unbelievable image appeared to its side, the being inside the cylinder shying away from the image, light half saying, "I am sure you remember the other part of Raava's gift to humanity - what Varrick called 'tuber-vines'. Hooked up to these weapons custom-designed and created with Kuvira's help for Avatar Korra, they are capable of producing plasma. Though I won't tell you how - knowing you, with your varied interests, you'd probably try to figure out how it works." Ursa guilty as charged, her light half finished as Ursa studied the strange, half sword, half fistweapon vambraces, noticing a four-elements theme as it spoke, "Far from being outdated and useless, melee weapons married to technology are a key part of war again - rather like the days of Avatar Aang. You're not the only one with melee weapons now, Ursa - I don't need to tell you why this weapon is… important."

Ursa said, "Plasma - cut platinum on any new Colossus Jinshu Kuangmai makes," anyways, Ursa smiled slightly even after the twin-bladed contraption vanished following a display of its plasma capabilities, her light half saying, "Try not to spread it around too much - just… make sure you're practicing with sword and shield like you were at the refugee camp. Also - a lot has happened in here tonight. PLEASE don't overwhelm your mother - get it all together first. Maybe drawings! Which reminds me… I believe we have a shared past to view. Warmwings will be going now - she's got a battle to fight. Goodbye - from both of us."

After a last nuzzle from Warmwings, Ursa said, "I'm ready," her spirit friend vanishing after. Her light half jumped into Ursa much as she had heard Avatar Aang might jump into Avatar Korra after popping out unasked for ever since the Restoration of Avatar Korra's past lives, all Ursa could think about for a while was how cool the weapon had looked - vaguely disappointed she couldn't share, especially after having seen how the plasma danced on the blade's edges. Remembering her own father had a habit of training with and keeping an older two-handed sword he said was a family heirloom, hand-crafted by Master Piandao, deceased member of the Order of the White Lotus, she decided to just ask her father for a sparring match when he returned - not going to say why, unless she was told otherwise. Ursa figured her father would enjoy it more without the explanation anyways - see it as just daughter-father bonding time instead, likely sorely needed after the fighting he was likely to see. Possibly involving spirit weapons…

She was glad to have seen a friendly spirit weapon herself - having had a hard time believing official claims that the establishment condoned their use now, after Avatar Korra had ignored one of President's Raiko's best ideas. Fighting fire with fire, spirit weapon with spirit weapon, Ursa never to know what a Varrick, Zhu Li and Asami Sato designed superweapon would have done to Kuvira's Colossus. The caution had turned out to have been misplaced in light of the Spirit Civil War - war with spirits the most likely ramification for having used spirit weapons against Kuvira.

Avatar Korra's beseechment for help from the spirits had turned out to have been carried out with a future foe as the spirit's spoke…spirit anyways, Ursa wondering if the refusal was all part of Long Yumao's plans. Plans she realized with a small dry horror might include her, given the unwanted simian guest earlier.

Turning around and walking off, not a thought about insignificance in her mind, feeling an immense peace as she did so, Ursa found herself in an endless black expanse she had only heard of, chuckling with glee to see something she had only heard of in press releases before. Her yin yang sphere was white, almost through and through, the only problem she could see with it was some sort of obstructing haze around it - as though the light within were blocked by something.

Stepping closer, wondering if she could see what the haze was, it vanished from her perception - though the sphere still was the same slightly greyed white. Spotting something on its surface, she stepped closer, starting a laughing fit when she saw it was the remains of a VarriCake. Remembering wherever she was food had no caloric value, only taste, she stepped forward, remembering her earlier trials, a part of her thinking, "Almost a thousand pounds. So fat before… Food has no calories - except when it doesn't." The thought itself seeming warbled somehow, remembering the importance of symbology, Kuvira's other half being made of pure metal, Jinshu Kuangmai's self that he acted as the same, she reached out, picking up the remains of the VarriCake.

Bringing it closer to her mouth, some part of her pleading no, not the same part that had felt horror to be deadly heavy, yet not seeming like her dark half, Ursa remembered all her failed "diets" over the years. All the temptation to eat just one VarriCake for desert with her partially eaten dinner, denying herself - then eating much more than what she had denied herself of later in the middle of the night, along with her leftovers… just as she had done before going to sleep.

Eating it, finding herself satisfied, she thought defiantly, "No more 'dieting' - just self-control. More enjoying food that I need - less guilt and shame. Mom, Nana, dad, even my little sister Buniq - they're right about my 'diets'," now glad the diets had never been serious. Remembering warnings her mother had given her about denying her body and especially her brain of what it needed while growing, she added, "Nothing but 'damage control' until I'm older," knowing that while her body might have stopped growing up in any major way, her mind was likely still maturing, growing.

Ursa nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard an unexpected, vaguely familiar voice say, "Maturing and growing so well," getting the feeling it was benevolent. The voice not speaking any further, Ursa was less surprised to see her taller - not fatter - light self appear, laughing when it said, "Good job - I hope for 'both' our sakes you can break from the cycle of phony diets, but still remain control," slightly confused when it said, "I can see what you cannot - I am sure you will do just fine, and not balloon to 'Camelephant Ursa'," finding herself skeptical when it said, seemingly reminding her, "You have a lot more willpower than you think."

Ursa shook her head, saying, "Wh - no, I ate too much from the fridge before going to bed! Even if it was good, and… felt right," Ursa's eyes widenening when her light half laughed hysterically, slapping its stomach as it said, "Wh - the mirror? Telling your dark self to go screw off - then RESISTING the urge to poke it with a stick? Working on feeling like you matter? You've got a LOT more willpower than you think - where it matters the most." Remembering something about even Avatar Korra having gone "too far" with this inner dream world somehow, Ursa nodded, admitting, "Yeah… I guess I do," finishing, "Can we do that life review… thing? See if that unclouds my yin yang sphere?" Her double nodded, saying sagely, "You could uncloud it right now, if you tried, shifted your mindset enough," finishing, "Though, just like earlier with 'Camelephant Ursa' - your nickname, not mine, I might add - and the unreality of not mattering, a bit of help never hurts," adding as an apparent afterthought, "Keep in mind it will be just as hard at points as your 'Glutton Warning' was earlier - though for very different reasons."

As soon as Ursa nodded, saying, "I can handle it - I lived through my life once before after all," the character of the space she was in shifted as her light half vanished, now hearing it only as a voice that intoned, I will not allow you to get hurt, sliced by a sword… decapitated… I am sorry for my earlier failure.

Feeling an urge to reach out and touch the yin yang sphere, Ursa did so, saying, "White…" realizing from what details had been released about Kuvira's first experience the former dictator's orb had also been obscured - though much more than Ursa's own. At first, Kuvira had seen only blinding light as pitch dark - Ursa saw her white yin yang sphere immediately.

Finally making contact with its surface, she heard a vaguely familiar voice intone, Of course - she had the suffering of millions staining her soul. Your "sins" are paltry in comparison. The voice was now silent, replaced by some of her earliest memories.

Experiencing her early life, though infinitely more clearly than she could have remembered it by herself, Ursa took in all the love and affection she had been shown as a young, unexposed child all over again - realizing she really did treat her little sister Buniq much as her own family had treated Ursa when she was "little". Feeling a wave of experiences, good things, joy and light, though not from her own perspective, she heard her light half intone, What you give to your sister - here. Unconditional love, Ursa feeling sad she did not feel capable of giving herself the same.

In time - though, just as with everything else, how long you stayed at near a half ton caused by unchecked self-pity and willpower weakness earlier included… the time it takes is up to you, no one else. Though, you did move through the mattering part quicker than expected at the end…

Vision moving from what her little sister thought of Ursa, how she had already given out in the near present what she had received before going to school, the vision shifted to the experiences of an older Ursa. Ursa knew from the press conference that Kuvira had claimed her life review and struggle was overwhelming, but found herself overwhelmed in a different, much more pleasant way as she felt all her actions during school's effects on others condensed and laid out before her rapidly yet thoroughly, her light half intoning, From a young age, even when you yourself were under internal duress, you stood up for the weak. It continued after the "replay" slowed down significantly where Ursa helped Lee-Lee against Xin Fu, Ursa having forgotten it wasn't the first time she had defended someone with her bending and how scared she had felt at the time yet risking incurring Xin Fu's wrath anyways, Ursa - why don't you watch, experience the rest all by yourself, the most important parts of your life, at the speed and level you need, feeling comforted when it seemingly finished, I will still be here for you, of course - but if you experience it, think of the positive yourself - it will be more effective.

While Ursa had always remembered her first time generating lightning, she had never experienced the whole situation from different people's perspectives, finding new appreciation of her actions - the appreciation feeling stronger for her other earlier efforts. Ursa wondered who really held power in Republic City, feeling the metalbender cop officer's frustration. Not frustration he'd been saved by a nine-year old girl - but that that girl had been given a detention for her actions, much less something she had not caught back then - the media cover-up of the whole affair almost costing police officer's lives. Given what she saw next, it was apparently at Councilman Tarrlok's behest, not wanting to possibly start riots over a mere "nonbender schoolboy" and Xin Fu's bullying, or how the police department had been "embarrassed" by a nine-year old girl, Ursa never having saw it that way. Perspective shifting to said schoolyard watchman and then her old principal briefly, she still didn't understand politics - though Ursa finally understood why she had been given a detention.

The lightning she had generated to knock out Xin Fu could have just as easily hit one of the police officers and their metal uniforms, Xin Fu not the only one who had almost hurt someone badly…

Feeling a bit down, not sure why that part had been stressed, she pondered it for a moment, the image of Xin Fu in platinum handcuffs and being hauled away still visible as she thought, "Maybe… to show that I do have self-control, willpower, restraint - and pretty good aim to boot." Baffled to see the image replaced by one of her drawings, Ursa having always been told she had a talent, not thinking herself anything special, she smiled, eyes still closed as her light half intoned, Art requires a delicate touch - something you bring to your artwork, bending, and beyond. Image vanished, replaced by Ursa hugging Lee-Lee tightly in the aftermath, Ursa felt the feelings Lee-Lee did. Savoring them, as well as her own, her happiness not yet clouded by depression, Ursa laughed weakly when she heard her light half intone, That is one thing you will find hard - and will be stronger than even this was, her stomach sinking in horror when it finished, Everything so far has been a relative gloss-over - this will not. Something you will be re-living directly, Ursa pretty sure why too…

Remembering how hard that first experience had been, having an inkling why this part might have been picked out, Ursa thought, "Can we just… skip the feelings, go to me 'self-medicating'? I'm assuming that's the main poi - " surprised when she felt alien sensations interrupt her, hearing only, The pain as well - though not at full force. Unreality of life not mattering out of you - hopefully for good - or not, you do not appreciate your own struggles, and can never hope to find peace without appreciating where you are more fully.

The last thing Ursa managed to do rubbing her aching head, eyes wide shut by an immense force, the alien feeling gradually became more, more familiar, her last thought, "Wait… I know… what I called 'The Unnamed Feeling'…" not even able to feel the pit in her stomach. Ursa finally felt a shift to a far more dreadful feeling than anything associated with her distantly remembered "Glutton Warning" and "Camelephant Ursa" occur, fading memory of being a human Colossus seeming like happy bygone days as The Unnamed Feeling took hold.

Lifting her head up, looking at her family around her, Ursa didn't respond when her father looked at her directly, not sure why he was so concerned with someone as meaningless as her, shying away from his touch when he reached out, asking, "Ursa, my life - no, our whole family's life… what's wrong? Ever since school let out, you haven't been the same, eating more than usual… and school and your tenth birthday are coming up. But nothing out of you - not the least bit of excitement." Not responding, Ursa felt the shroud over her temporarily lessen in weight when her father picked her up, though she resisted being swooped up at first, her father saying as he hugged her tight, "You talked to us before - finally told us something didn't feel right, a few weeks ago," crying as he was now, her father continuing, "Ursa - I know what it's been like, since this darkness started for you. Even though it's only been a… nevermind. I know - even five minutes of that feels like an eternity. As I've reminded you, been there, even - as my own father did, and my grandmother before him, and beyond. I know what you're going through," saying uncomfortably, "My father fought - but in her old age, my grandmother did not. Ursa, I know you're a fighter - please. Speak. Tell us if anything else is wrong. For me. For all of us."

Feeling willing to listen, ignoring a fairly new sensation - that of lightning in her head, causing her pain whenever she "deviated" from the path it "wanted" her to follow - Ursa said with a sullen voice, "I'll try." Intending to say something about the odd pain, Ursa tried to speak again - finding this strange pain intensified, from mild-mannered thunderstorm to the electrical ragings of a violent typhoon, barely refraining from screaming.

Trying to speak again, seeing her father's concern, she failed, hearing a voice she had only once before yell, "DO NOT - SILENCE! OR PAIN, UNIMAGINABLE!"

Tears streaking down her face, Ursa was at first tempted to comply, but remembered what her father had said - calling her a fighter…

Smiling slightly, painfully, getting another new side-affect, part of her face seemingly under another's control, this part thoroughly displeased, Ursa thought strongly, "I'd rather feel pain for TEN THOUSAND YEARS than feel this - nothing!" Immediately feeling retribution, pain unimaginable ending up being just barely tolerable, Ursa managed to struggle out what was troubling her, her father's face sinking further and further, even with the basic version she had been able to struggle out - the thoughts about ending her life that had dragged her down, what she had been down about when he asked, then this… other, likely recurring thing.

Looking crushed, as though he knew something he would never tell, her father Hideki simply asked, "Is… is there anything we can do to support you… aside from the obvious - loving you, talking every day, like we have?" Lowering his guard slightly, her father admitted, "The symptoms you describe, the intensity, that… accursed urge… it sounds somewhere between what my father told me about his own experience, and my own my experience - and that of your great-grandmother." Even her "irritatingly" cheerful mother and over-accepting Nana crying by now, her father hugged her tighter, saying, "It runs in the family - back to the Fire Nation, even. I would give these golden 'noble's eyes', even my bending, to free you and your children from the curse... In her latter days, your royal namesake tried to come up with an herbal concoction to help cure or alleviate what you call 'The Unnamed Feeling', others, 'just' call depression…" admitting through tears, "For all of her herbal and medicinal knowledge, she found nothing. I simply had to live through it - self-medicating with alcohol… as you may be doing with food." By now her mother looking a bit uncomfortable, Ursa wondering in horror what she'd look like at school, knowing her father was right. Her father said, mother looking slightly better as he spoke, "It wasn't until I started dating your mother Panik when I was 25 that I ever really felt like I could stop, in control as I am today by the time you were born two years later," frowning slightly after saying, "Given you're all of nine going on ten, just now starting to change physically… I don't think that kind of 'medication' can help you. I don't know what simple thing might help, aside from what we've already given you - love and affection, the extra food," looking uneasy to ask, "Aside from what I think you've been doing subconsciously… Do you know anything?"

Ursa didn't know what was more painful - the accursed feeling in her head… or the fact she didn't know what would help her. Aside from what her father had already mentioned.

Remembering one thing she liked, no, loved, never judging her, just like her family, except she could exert Councilman-like control over something where in reality she had control over nothing except what she did, Ursa managed to struggle out, "My birthday… dad, I need all the drawing supplies I can get," adding involuntarily, as though something within her had spoken without approval, "Maybe… maybe a big cake too, plenty of ice cream. And a really nice dinner before." Thinking of getting everything out of herself through drawing, Ursa managed to crack a half-hearted joke, saying, "The food… maybe helping Lee-Lee gain that weight he wants so bad will help," half tempted to yell at Nana in anger, frustration and embarassment when she said, "It would help if you admit what you've already stumbled upon - do not shroud your intentions with false words. Own them. Poor hurt child… if you need more 'medicine' than drawing, don't be afraid to experiment. And admit to what you've already done - there is no shame in using a crutch the spirits gave you, our shared love for the good-tasting things in life. Pleasure is one of the greatest reasons to keep on living… Maybe you are as you are for a reason… to help you endure. Science doesn't know a lot of things - but people do. My son-in-law's former taste for sake, other things - something to get him through to better days. Your father managed to stop that, then master it," her father sobbing when Nana finished, "Big birthday cake, whatever it may be, even after… Whatever it takes - coping habits can be changed. Being dead can't."

Ursa nodded grimly, knowing Nana was right.

The room in front of her shifting, at first Ursa panicked, brought back to reality temporarily as the image paused on her partially successfully venting her frustration and depression through art. Looking at what she was drawing, what she now remembered calling "The Universal Tormentor", she was shocked to see what she had forgotten, likely thrown away - a humanoid figure that strongly reminded her of what Unalaq's fusion with Vaatu had looked like, except… skinnier, sharper looking. More… human-y?

Feeling as though something immensely powerful had taken temporary interest in her, at first Ursa panicked again, thinking, "If you're not nice… just fu -"

Do not worry - continue.

Looking at the figure again, Ursa saw it was male, had black skin with red lines that strongly reminded her of Vaatu, the fouls spirit's form even emblazoned on its chest, much as it had been on Unalaq… There was something off about it though. While it did have "tentacles", not unlike what the media had dubbed "UnaVaatu" had, it only had two - above the arms, like sickening bladed wings, what appeared to be red and black metal extending from their length to form false feathers. The skin had a hidelike appearance as well, unlike anything Ursa had seen from afar during Harmonic Convergence, and the thing had ridiculous wiry hair on its head, almost appearing like it was wearing red and black barbed wire. There were barbs of the same nature at key points on its skin - as though it were meant to fight.

Wondering if this was taking any "real" time, not wanting to waste her time with looking at an old childhood doodle, Ursa heard the same voice intone, It may be no doodle. Ursa's own internal journey continued before she could question who or what had spoken to her, only getting the reassurance time was no issue, feeling a shift like before take place…

Looking at her latest drawing, not having a clue if it was real or not, some long forgotten spirit, Ursa felt better anyways to have drawn it - what she thought an evil being might look like. Still feeling down, she smiled weakly, walking over to the fridge, taking out some "medicine". Settling back down with she wasn't entirely sure how many VarriCakes, Ursa indulged herself, food aside from drawing one of her few comforts. Feeling slightly full but still sad, she managed a weak laugh, saying as she got up, "Can't believe I forgot the milk!" After drinking a few glasses, the milk having been lonely without VarriCake, Ursa sat down and leaned back, looking at her drawing and savoring what she had ate - feeling something close to better, able to appreciate the lingering taste of sugar in her mouth.

Ursa smiled an actual smile - being able to appreciate something after it was "gone"… that was a big milestone.

Feeling another disconnect, Ursa watched herself over what something told her was slightly under a year in a montage of drawing, eating, gain - gain in more ways than the visible, Ursa realized, growth not only upward and outward as she applied her favorite salve vigorously, but inward growth as well. This perspective let her see what she hadn't before, perhaps willfully ignored or distorted - to a big extent, whether she liked it or not, Nana was right. Ursa's curse with food was also her crutch - to help with her other, more deadly curse of depression. Should she - love forbid - ever indulge in its ultimate form, there would be no tomorrow, while Camelephant Ursa would at least live to see a reduced lifetime... Ursa remembered her own mother's talk at times of how much her father appreciated fine sakes, liqueurs in small amounts. The sped-up images stopping when Ursa had her eleven-year old pictures taken, now remembering with shame that she had burned the one in her room, having been bigger than she was at ten, Ursa only cared now that she could see some hope in her eyes.

She was more than existing, as she had during her initial depression - she was alive, vibrant, finally making the personal progress that had led her to shed her sweet "candy cane" crutch in time - and her pencil crutch to a large degree, she remembered now, recalling her mother and father's great annoyance at the latter change.

Seeing an image of herself at ten join the heavier eleven-year old full of hope, all Ursa cared about now was the fact that she had been sad, depressed - and won, where her great-grandmother on her father's side hadn't, thinking, "Better confined to bed, overfed than dead," imagining herself at her current weight hugging "Camelephant Ursa", wanting to tell the other Ursa that everything was going to be okay - not that she was an overweight shame without hope, better alive than dead.

Ursa wasn't entirely sure, but she swore she saw another figure present in the distance in what she thought was just her mind's eye - a skinny girl with eerie red light visible from beneath her skin. Hearing the figure let out a hateful hiss as she looked at it closer, Ursa imagined herself saying, "I'd hug you too," - finding the medium-sized Ursa in her vision actually spoke the same words.

The figure warped and twisted after Ursa imagined hugging it, the figure screeching as its skin let out more red light in the shape of its barely covered bones, "What - no - stay back! Get… AWAY! JUST LIKE HER!" Ursa felt vaguely sad to see it run off in terror out of sight, yelling about needing to retreat when she thought, "I don't understand you - in any sense of the word."

Nonetheless, Ursa felt a permeating peace - as though she had just taken a key turn on the twisting, winding road that was her life. Not only that - but that both her road and life mattered.

She was a survivor - and she hoped to enjoy her life fully.