To Play the Fool
Chapter Thirty-Two
"I don't think I've ever been on a proper picnic before," Jenny said, crossing her legs under her as she sat on a red-and-white checkered blanket. She looked quite relaxed in jeans, a white blouse, and a loose blue wrap around her arms. Her blonde wavy hair was getting tangled in the growing breeze.
Bruce set down a basket and pulled out two paper plates and some plastic cutlery. He was dressed a bit more formally in a gray argyle sweater and khaki pants. "Come to think of it, neither have I."
"The concept is simple. I don't think you can screw it up." She retrieved two chicken salad sandwiches from the basket and place them on the plates while Bruce got out a bottle of apple juice.
"Never underestimate the ingenuity of idiots," he teased.
"You're not an idiot Bruce. Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Put down your own intelligence. Is it a crime to be rich and smart?"
He sat down next to Jenny, leaning back on his elbows and stretching out his long legs. "I don't know. There's this Bruce Wayne that everyone expects me to be. It's just easier to play along since they're going to assume I'm a spoiled, brainless playboy anyway." What he did not say was that it was a disguise just as much as Jenny's collection of costumes were. It was an image perfected over years of practice. At first, it was so people wouldn't see how much he was hurting after his parents' murder. Then it became useful when he had to deflect suspicion from himself.
"Are we talking about the press or your associates?"
"Everyone but you and Alfred, essentially. Don't tell me you never get blonde jokes."
"I've actually amassed quite the collection, but most people who tell me one learn not to tell a second." She took a bite of her sandwich. "I just have never seen the point in being someone I'm not."
"Says the girl with a closet full of disguises," he retorted.
"Okay. There's no point if it's not going to serve a purpose. I can play a ditzy blonde when I want to get information out of someone, but I'm not going to pretend I'm a fool in my day-to-day life. That's why I can't see why you would do it."
The sky was starting to darken, and not just because of the sunset. The clouds were starting to thicken at an alarming rate. "It just gets tiring to correct people that I'm more than likely never going to see again. It's not like I'm hurting anyone, anyway."
"Fair enough." The two of them lapsed into silence as they ate dinner over watching the sun set in the sky. The gray clouds took on rosy purple hues as it dipped lower in the sky.
"Anything new going on in your life?"
"One week panic attack free," she smiled.
"That's great! What about the nightmares? Are those going away too?"
"Not so much. My therapist is trying to wean me off my sleeping pills. Thing is, I can't remember what I'm dreaming about. At this point, I would kill her to get her to renew my prescription. Imogen's annoyed at me because she was just getting used to sleeping again."
"How bad are they?"
She took moment to answer. "Bad enough to wake up Imogen, so I guess I'm screaming. I know I'm grinding my teeth too, so I got a mouth guard thing. I feel bad for her. She's trying to be a good friend and supportive, but I know her patience is really being taxed."
"If you ever need to, you know all you have to do is call me."
"I'm already waking up one person. I don't need to wake you up too."
He waved off her concern. "I'll be awake anyway. Insomniac, remember?"
She rolled her eyes. "Your sleep schedule is wonky is the problem."
"I'm working on resetting it," he assured her. "It's not as easy as it sounds."
"I know. I had a brief period in my freshman year when I slept for ninety minutes a day."
"How did you do that?"
"Strategically placed power naps. It didn't work out with my work schedule."
Thunder rumbled in the distance, and Bruce examined the sky more carefully. "We may have picked a bad day for a picnic. Those clouds are making me nervous."
Jenny frowned at them. "They don't look that bad."
A flash of lightning proved her wrong. Rain started to drizzle lightly on their picnic. "You were saying?"
"Oh, shut up," she growled as they jumped to their feet. Bruce and Jenny scrambled to throw everything into the basket before the rain got worse. By the time they had pulled the blanket over their heads and started running back to the house, it was coming down in buckets.
Alfred stood at the back door with an umbrella in hand, patiently waiting for the two of them to come back. They were giggling as they raced back to the patio. "There are towels in the mudroom," he said when they arrived, "and the kitchen table is available for you to finish your picnic."
"Thanks, Alfred," said Bruce, handing him the basket.
"Actually, I've got to head home," Jenny said, looking at the time. "I've got a massive test tomorrow and I haven't even started to study."
"Really?" Bruce looked somewhat heartbroken.
"I'm sorry. Dinner was wonderful. We should have another picnic when the weather's better."
"Count on it." He walked her to the front door where they shared a quick kiss in parting. Then Alfred gave her an umbrella and she ran to car. Bruce watched her back up and drive away into the pouring rain. When she was out of sight, he closed the door and headed to the Batcave.
Bruce turned off his phone before pulling on his Kevlar-enforced gloves. It had been a while since he had dated an early-bird. It could be problematic if their schedules didn't sync up enough, but at least she wouldn't be wondering what he did every night. Still, knowing Jenny's keen eye for things she wasn't supposed to see, he would have to be even more careful. Dating ditzy women had its advantages, but they could be incredibly boring.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Alfred had said with a stern eye. He hadn't needed an announcement to know Bruce had found someone new. "You and Star only broke up a few weeks ago. The press will think she's just a rebound."
"Jenny's not a rebound," Bruce argued. "She's smart and she's sharp – "
"And she knows your schedule inside and out. You can't pretend to be seeing someone else every night."
"She still has evening classes."
"You're grasping at straws. She's going to figure out what you're doing with your nights. She's clever enough she'll probably find the Batcave on her own."
"Alfred, I'm smart too. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
One week in, and Alfred's fears had been unfounded. As far as he could tell, Jenny didn't suspect a thing, although she was trying her hardest to not be annoyed when he strolled into work several hours late. For now, though, he had other concerns. With one of his untraceable phones, he dialed Tex. From the background noise, it sounded like she was in a bit of a fight judging by how out of breath she was.
"Make it fast," Tex snapped.
"Are you busy?" he asked.
"Not if you count beating the daylights out of a couple would-be rapists as being busy." A man groaned in pain as he hit the ground, then there was the distinct sound of flesh meeting a boot just before another man fell.
"Can you meet me at Dock 27 in fifteen minutes?"
She caught her breath. "Yeah, I'm done here. See you in a bit."
Batman cut off the transmission and started up the Batpod. After turning it to face the mouth of the cave, he gunned the engine and leaped out into the cold, rainy November night. As he sped around the outskirts of Gotham at several miles over the speed limit, icy raindrops hit his face and forced themselves in through the edges of his cowl and down his neck. The results made him much colder, but all the more determined to get to the docks faster.
By the time he made it there, he was effectively soaked. Water had found its way into every opening in his armor. He found some shelter for his Batpod, then reluctantly made his way to a nearby roof to scope out the harbor with a pair of high-powered binoculars. A small ship had come in well after hours, and a group of about twenty men were unloading it. Most of the cargo was in metal barrels which they carted off with hand-trucks and into a couple semi-trucks.
Some of the cargo, however, were just trays of plants covered by cardboard lids. The men were carefully carrying them over to a white windowless van where they were stacked up. A woman in a green trench coat with long red hair was holding an umbrella over her head as she lovingly watered each flat with a plastic watering can.
Tex pulled up to the docks and found a nearby overhang to hide under. It just so happened to be connected to the building Batman was currently on the roof of. He tossed a batarang in her direction to get her attention. She stuck her steel-covered head out into the rain to see him waving her up. After making a show of sighing in despair, she extended her titanium nails and started climbing up the side of the building like a cat. Once she reached the top, she crawled over the edge of the roof and stayed crouched down as she joined him on the west end. The rain hit her helmet and echoed off with an endless flurry of ping!s. "You would pick the coldest night in November for a stakeout," she grumbled.
"I'm not the only one."
"What do we have?"
He gestured to the scene at the docks. "Leaves of Three. They're an environmental group with a shady track record. Among other things, they've taken credit for burning down a ski lodge, attempting to blow up an oil refinery, and murdering a politician who refused to support a bill towards a wildlife preserve. Ironically, they do more damage to the environment trying to get their message across than their targets ever did."
"Environmental Terrorists in Gotham? What's their beef?"
"I haven't quite figured that out. They're smuggling in plants, probably endangered ones, along with an alarming supply of dangerous chemicals." He pointed to the woman in the trench coat. "That woman there, watering the plants, is their leader Poison Ivy. Whatever she has planned for Gotham, it can't be good."
"So, do we beat them up and chase them out of town?" He gave her an odd look and she hung her head sheepishly. "Sorry. Been on a Western binge. What's the plan, Blondie?"
"Hand them over to the police. Like usual. You distract them from the front, I'll disable the vehicles, make sure they can't run off and pick up the ones you miss." He focused on one man in a plastic poncho that slipped carrying a tray of plants. The lid fell off, revealing a plant made of thick green vines with white trumpet shaped flowers. The woman watering the plants suddenly snapped and went off on the man, berating him for his stupidity and clumsiness while tried to pick the flat back up and put it in the van. "Do you recognize those plants?"
He offered her the binoculars, but she politely declined. Her helmet did a good enough job. "They look familiar, but I can't place them."
"Treat them as toxic until we know better. Ready?"
She shivered, then adjusted something inside the wrist of her sleeve. The water hitting her suit started steaming off. "Ready."
Batman fought a twinge of jealousy for the temperature regulation in her suit, and shot a grappling cable at a crane overshadowing the dock in question. "On my mark, come in from the south." Tex saluted him as the cable carried him away. The water weighed down his cape, dragging him down when he tried to climb on top of the crane.
Tex had a slightly more subtle entrance. The criminals of Gotham had come to learn to look up, not at ground level which was exactly where she was coming from. Her head turned from side to side, surveying the scene through the crate she was hiding behind. Then she held up a hand, showing two fingers, then three. She counted twenty-three men.
Batman took out five specially designed batarangs from his belt. These were slightly bigger than his usual ones, black, and held a bit of thermite. He threw them at the trucks' engines, two for each of the semis and one for the white van. When they hit, they let off a bang and started melting straight through the engines and into the ground.
Tex took this as his signal, and ran in. She launched herself into one of the gunmen protecting the shipment, knocking him into two others and prompting a confused flurry of gunfire. Most of the bullets seemed to miss her as she darted around their guns. Tex grabbed one man's shotgun, aimed it towards the tires of a semi while kicking behind her to knock another man's handgun out, then threw him over her back, breaking his gun in the process. Bullets glanced off the top of her head as she spun around and punched the next shooter in his kidneys.
While Tex was handling the gunfire, Batman climbed down into the crane's control compartment. The cold made it difficult to hold on, but the extra grip in his gloves kept him alive. Once inside, Batman turned on the machine and raised the load it had been carrying. A massive crate was pulled into the air, then carried over the heads of the smugglers before being deposited in the path leading to the dock's exit. The smugglers were now sealed in by two walls, the water, and Tex.
Despite her skill, Tex was starting to get overwhelmed by gunmen. They were slowly forming a circle around her. Instead of letting them run away, Poison Ivy was having a few of the smugglers pull the plants out of the van and set them in a trailer while the others found firearms with which to take care of Tex. Batman climbed out of the crane and rappelled down to join the fight.
"It's just Batman's kid sister," one of the shooters encouraged. "She's no big deal."
Batman descended on the circle, taking out one of the smugglers on his way down. He immediately moved on to the next gun, twisting it out of the man's hand and knocking a few teeth out of his grin.
"Oh, look," Tex said sweetly, kicking a man in the stomach. "It's her big brother."
Batman dodged the bullets aimed haphazardly at him, his cape taking several of the shots, while Tex parroted his movements and took down anyone trying to approach him from behind. He snapped the wrist of a hand holding a revolver, swept the feet out from a man with a tommy gun (oldschool, he noted), and punched the lights out of a man who tried to hit him over the head with a wrench.
Tex did not have the benefit of a massive cape to disguise her figure, so she had to dance around the guns. Her moves were a bit more light and fluid than her partner's, but with kicks that knocked guns out of slippery hands and darting hands that crushed the barrels, she was keeping up. She threw an elbow into a throat on her right, ground someone's foot into the asphalt with her heel, and kneed another man in the groin, bringing them all down within a matter of seconds.
Out of the corner of his eye, Batman saw Poison Ivy trying to get away. She had a secondary vehicle hidden in the shadows. Her men had hooked up the trailer to her pickup and she was currently closing and locking up the back so her plants didn't fall out. The number of gunmen still left standing had diminished significantly. "Tex, she's running," said Batman.
She nodded as she brought a knee up into one man's skull. "Go get her, boss."
He threw a man over his shoulder and started running for the truck. Poison Ivy saw him coming, so she jumped inside the truck and started the engine. Batman readied a couple thermite batarangs, but she managed to put the truck and gear and drive directly towards him. He managed to leap into air and grab hold of the hood, but dropped his batarangs in the process. The truck swerved back and forth. It would have been difficult to hold on in the first place, but the rain was making it nearly impossible. Holding on with one hand, he took a set of brass knuckles off his belt and began to punch the windshield. The first blow cracked the glass, and Poison Ivy jerked the truck to the left in surprise. On the second blow, Batman's fist made it through.
The woman panicked, grabbed a small crossbow sitting on the passenger seat, and pointed it out the window. Batman didn't even see the dart when it was fired, just felt a burning in his shoulder, forcing him to let go of the hood of the truck and tumble off onto the wet asphalt. He rolled out of the way of the truck's tires before it sped away from the scene of the crime.
The burning spread from his shoulder to the rest of his torso before fading into a sense of numbness. He tried moving his arm, but found that his shoulder was nearly completely paralyzed. The rest of his body was starting to follow suit.
"Batman, are you okay?" Tex ran to his side and turned him over onto his back. The first thing she noticed was a small dart stuck in his shoulder, which she pulled out and examined.
"It's a paralytic toxin," he said through clenched teeth.
"It looks like your armor took most of the dose." She heard sirens start blaring half a mile down the road. "That's our cue to leave." Using whatever muscle movement he had left, Batman tried to stand while Tex lifted him with an arm over her shoulders. Then, borrowing his grappling gun, she shot a cable at a nearby roof. Batman wrapped his arms around her shoulders and she carried to two of them up and over the roof.
Tex laid Batman down under a solar panel to shield him from the rain, propping his head up on the ledge, then crouched down low enough that only her eyes were seen over the edge of the roof. From the growing sound of sirens and yelling, he could almost tell what was happening down below. "What's going on?"
"The Cavalry's arrived, and most everyone is getting arrested. I've got an anti-toxin back home, but I can't leave you to go get it."
"Because of the police?"
She turned down the volume on her helmet and laid down in the gravel next to him. He could feel the heat emanating from her suit. "Whatever she poisoned you with is a muscle relaxant. If it's anything like the toxin from a blue-ringed octopus which I am mildly familiar with, it could paralyze your lungs and you'll stop breathing. Then I'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth and CPR until it wears off. I'm kind of hoping that it won't get that far."
He took a mental stock of what parts of his body he could move and which places were numb. "It seems to have stopped spreading. I'll just wait for it to wear off. You can go home."
Tex looked back over the roof to check on how the arrests were going. A HASMAT team had moved in and was starting to inspect and confiscate the drums of chemicals. "I've got time. So … what do you talk about on a stakeout?"
"You don't," he growled. "Don't make unnecessary noise while the police are still around."
"The way I see it ..." She picked up his left arm and let it drop to prove a point. "There's not a whole lot you can do to stop me."
"I had a new radio I was going to give you," he threatened.
In response, Tex shut her mouth with a hmph! Then she turned back to watch the Leaves of Three be taken away.
A few hours into the arrest and investigation, the police were starting to thin out and leave. "Weird thing happened," Tex murmured. "My sister, that terrifying woman who hit you in the head, has a boyfriend."
"Who?" Batman said innocuously, testing the strength of his fist. The feeling had returned to his right hand and he could lift it through sheer force of will.
"I can't say. Jenny doesn't want me talking about it."
"He must be high profile, then. And probably her boss."
She glared at him for a moment. "For the record, I never said his name."
"Are you worried?"
"Nope. I'm happy for her. She's been loads happier, like no one annoys her anymore, like the Hatter never kidnapped her, like I never went missing. I've been trying to make her that happy, but this guy comes in and sweeps her off her feet. I wish I knew him better. I mean, we did get locked up in a cave together, but I was unconscious for most of that. Then I've never managed to be around when he's visiting."
"What do you think about him?"
"He's a really nice guy. Not sure if there's a bad bone in his body. He was brave enough to stay calm and help me out back in the cave. Plus apparently he's loaded. Who knew?"
"You didn't know that Bruce Wayne was a billionaire?" Batman said incredulously.
She shrugged. "Can't say I care that much about local celebrities. I move every couple months, so there's never been a point. He's human, just like the rest of us."
"Don't you have anyone?"
Tex took a deep breath and sighed. "You are the only friend I've had in three and a half years, and you don't even like me. Did you know that?"
"You know plenty of people," he scoffed. Then he hastily added, "And we're not friends."
She ignored him. "You are the only partner I have ever had who hasn't tried to kill me, which I appreciate more than you know. I like people. I like to make friends. I don't push them away or anything. If everything was right and proper, the two of us would be acquaintances. You'd probably have saved me once, I would have said, 'Thanks,' and we would have been on our merry ways."
"What went wrong?"
"I disappeared for two weeks. Stuff happened. I lost an ear. I got new hands. I'm pretty sure that I should have died, but I didn't. That's what I'm worried about. I think I'm living on stolen time and everyone I meet can feel there's something wrong with me."
"It's not that." He gathered enough strength to push himself up into a sitting position. "There are millions of people who have escaped death, and they deserve to be alive as much as the next person."
Tex pulled her knees up to her chest. "Do you feel it too?" she asked quietly.
He nodded. "We were created from chaos to help bring the world to order. Our tools and methods are not normal. We have seen things that are not human. Of course we're outcasts."
"And if we reform Gotham? What then? Will there be a place for us?"
"You already know the answer to that. It's the reason you're forced to move on from place to place. You do what good you can, and then you're not needed or wanted. With our methods, we can't live in the havens we build. I knew that right from the beginning."
"Then why do you do this?"
"Because when I needed someone, there was no one. It's not going to happen again."