"I got my fingers laced together
And I made a little prison
And I'm locking up everyone
Who ever laid a finger on me."
~Lorde, "Yellow Flicker Beat"
Chapter 5: Storm
"Eren… as much as I enjoy you pacing around nervously while I'm trying to work, is there something you want to talk about, by any chance?"
Armin's voice jerked Eren out of his racing thoughts and he paused mid-stride to smile over at his friend guiltily.
"Sorry… It's just I'm still trying to work it all out myself," he explained.
"Well you didn't come down here for no reason so what's up?"
"It's… it's probably nothing. You're right, I should stop bugging you. I'll be going now…"
"Eren," Armin didn't raise his voice but his tone let Eren know he wasn't going anywhere. He put down his wrench to turn and look Eren directly in the eyes. "I know you better than that. What's wrong? Is it one of your dreams?"
"No, not this time."
"Shifter problems?"
Eren smiled grimly. "No."
He dropped his gaze again but he could feel Armin's still boring into him. Suddenly he was regretting having come down here at all. Why talk about it? Talking about it would only make what a terrible person he was more of a reality. But it was too late to hope Armin would let it go now.
"Is it Mikasa?"
There was a jolt from the pit of his stomach as Armin said her name. He continued his refusal to meet his friend's stare but opened his mouth to let out a sigh.
"I think I might be losing my mind."
"Why? Because you have feelings for her?"
"What?! I don't… I mean… It's not like…"
"Eren." That was all Armin said aloud, but every inch of his infuriating smirk finished the thought: you're not fooling anyone.
Eren rolled his eyes. "Okay so maybe it is like that a little. Would you stop smiling like that? It's annoying."
"Sorry! I just never thought I'd see the day Eren Jeager fell in love with anything other than killing Titans."
"No. No, don't do this. You are supposed to be the logical one. You're supposed to be pointing out all the reasons why this is wrong… why I should just forget about it… I don't know, talk me out of it or something!"
"Eren. You and I both know that there is never any talking you out of anything. Besides what is there to talk you out of, exactly? So you like someone, is that really such a bad thing?"
"It is when I shouldn't like her!"
"Why shouldn't you like her?"
"Because! Because… well I haven't known her that long, for one thing…"
"Weirder things have happened."
Armin studied his friend's face intently, but Eren merely stared at the ground in thought, quiet for a second before continuing.
"I can't explain it, but it doesn't feel like I just met her, you know? It feels like… it feels like she always should have been there… somehow…"
"I know you never fully stopped talking about her since that day. Sometimes it was the only thing you'd bring up other than swearing revenge on all the Titans. Maybe that's partly why."
"Maybe… I don't know it feels like more than that."
"Well at any rate, it seems like you've answered for yourself why that reason for not liking her is stupid, next please?"
Eren glared at him. "That was the least bad one though."
"Enlighten me."
Eren glanced over his shoulder wearily at the doorway. He was the only one who ever really came to visit Armin in the lab, and even Hange appeared to have other places to be this morning. It was all quiet.
"There's… her past…"
Armin watched him carefully. "Where was she all this time?"
"If I tell you, you can't tell anyone, got it? The others… if they knew… it might not be good."
"You can trust me, Eren. Always."
Eren took a deep breath and began to describe the hell he'd seen back in the city as Armin's eyes grew bigger and bigger. The putrid conditions, the greedy men, the starving girls.
"I've never seen anything like it, Armin! And I mean, I knew that the situation in the inner circles was getting more corrupt but still… the fact that a place like that existed… They treated those girls like animals! They just tied her up and tossed her in the room! And she was there for ten years…"
Eren's eyes had grown very bright now and his whole body shook. Armin reached out a comforting hand to put on his shoulder.
"You didn't know."
"But I knew she was out there somewhere! I should have looked harder, I should have started looking sooner…"
"You know that wasn't an option. We were only kids Eren. And then there was the whole Wall Maria issue… You really can't blame yourself. You got her back now, that's all that matters. Do you think you only like her because you feel guilty or something?"
"No, I don't think it's like that. I was going to get her out and then send her off to start her own new life in the world, but then I actually saw her there and I just… I don't know. There's something about her, Armin. That place would have broken down any normal person, but it didn't break her. She's got this strength to her that's beyond belief, even in training you can see how she never gives up on anything. I just want to be around her, I want to get to know her better, I… even back when I'd just gotten her out of there I knew I wanted her to stay around," he finished, lamely, his face on fire, determinedly avoiding meeting Armin's eyes.
"Okay… so once again I'm failing to see the problem here…"
"Well isn't that selfish? She didn't need to be dragged into all of this! She's been through enough as it is!"
"Eren. Let me ask you something. Did you force her to come here?"
"No! Of course not."
"Okay. So she came to the Survey Corps of her own free will and said she wanted to join of her own choice."
"Yes, but-"
"No buts! You might have the world on your shoulders but that doesn't mean everything that ever happens is your fault!"
"Speaking of that, she doesn't even know my secret yet. Not the dreams… not the shifting… none of it. Add that to the list."
"She'll find out eventually! It's not your fault, Levi just thought it was best to not tell her yet, you know that! We have to make sure she's one hundred percent trustworthy."
"It still doesn't change that I'm lying to her. After all that she just comes here to have people lie to her some more. Nice."
"You'll tell her! You just can't tell her right now."
Eren hung his head, feeling the truth he'd been trying to ignore sink through his chest like a lead weight. He couldn't look up at Armin as he finally choked out in a small voice, "I don't know if I want to."
Armin was silent, contemplating his answer.
"Makes sense," he said finally. "It's a big secret to tell. But you know you have to, right?"
"Yeah…"
"Even if we don't tell her, she's going to find out eventually just being on the squad."
"Yeah…"
"You don't sound convinced."
"What if she's scared of me, Armin?"
"Then she'd be smart!"
Armin grinned and gave Eren a light punch on the arm to show he was joking but Eren couldn't bring himself to laugh. His stomach was churning uncomfortably at the thought of Mikasa's face if he tried to tell her. She'd looked so much happier since they'd arrived at headquarters, and the mere thought of ripping that away from her absolutely shattered him.
"Hey, Eren," Armin had grown serious again, his attempt at lightheartedness failed. "Don't worry about it so much, okay? Everything will work itself out. If she feels the same way about you, she won't let this get in the way."
"Thanks," Eren got up, keeping his head bowed as he stood to leave the laboratory. "But I don't know if she can ever feel the same way about me."
Under the faint glow of the early morning sun, the stomping of hooves in the dirt announced the return of Commander Erwin to his troops. Perfectly polished boots raised small clouds of dust around them as he dismounted his white horse swiftly in the stables, securing the horse there safely and turning around.
"You know, you really aren't as sneaky as you think."
For a moment it appeared that he was only talking to the shadows, but then the slight form of Captain Levi shifted to make himself known, allowing the sun from the window to illuminate his face.
"I wasn't really trying to be sneaky, I just wanted to catch you before you go inside."
"Is it that important?"
"We've got a new recruit."
Erwin raised his eyebrows imperiously. "Oh?"
"A girl from the Shiganshina district. Named Mikasa Ackerman."
He let the information fall through the air between them like it might explode.
"Ackerman?"
"That's what she says."
"I thought you were the last since Kenny died."
"I thought so too."
"Are you sure she's telling the truth?"
"Her parents were killed before the Wall Maria fell and she was kidnapped by sex traffickers. She's been locked up in some whore house in the inner circle ever since. Jaeger saw it himself, he got her out. I don't think she knows anything about the family history. There's no way she would even know to lie about it."
"Hold on… Jaeger left?"
Levi rolled his eyes at the ceiling in clear exasperation. "Yeah."
"Get that kid under control, Captain."
"You know just as well as I do how impossible of an order that is to follow."
Erwin shook his head but let the matter drop, other matters at hand in far more need of attention.
"So you're not the last Ackerman. Any idea who her father was?"
"No, I've been waiting for the right moment to talk to her. I'm still not sure how much she can be trusted. Her parents might not have filled her in on the history, but she might be withholding other information."
A slight smirk crept its way across Erwin's face as Levi spoke, succeeding in causing Levi's glare to increase in intensity.
"What?"
"You're being too paranoid."
"What?! You know we have to be cautious about everything, especially these days…"
"It sounds like that girl has been through hell. The last thing she'd worry about is trying to intentionally withhold information from the Survey Corps. At this point, I think the only way we can learn more is by talking to her."
Levi nodded stiffly. "Fine. I'll talk to her as soon as I get the chance. But you've got to let her on the squad officially first. She's been training for three days for your evaluation."
"Very well," Erwin said with a nod, beginning to head for the castle, Levi at his side. "Let's see what she's got."
Not far away from where the Commander and Captain were conspiring, two girls were laying in the middle of a meadow, neglecting their assigned daily chore of gathering firewood. The freckled brunette leaned back on one hand while the petite blonde lay with her head in the other girl's lap, holding the hand she wasn't leaning on and tracing circles in it with her delicate fingers.
"What if it's true?" she murmured absentmindedly, seemingly continuing a conversation they'd been having for much longer, though they hadn't spoken since they'd arrived.
"What's true?"
"What the old man said. About me being a princess."
The freckled girl's eyes followed the circles her girlfriend was tracing over her palm as she contemplated her answer. "You know I've always thought you were different, Krista. You shine brighter than any of us, especially when you're being the real you."
Krista blushed and sat up to give the other girl two kisses: a soft peck right on the nose and another, soft and lingering on her lips.
"Well thank you, Ymir, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm royalty."
"I'm serious! What made you bring this up anyway? I thought we agreed that old geezer was just nuts?"
"I don't know," Krista picked up a blade of grass now to pick at thoughtfully as her mind recycled all the same recollections yet again. "Ever since that day in the marketplace I've been starting to remember things. Only I don't know if I'm just dreaming them up because I want it to be true, or if I'm remembering real things that I'd chosen to forget until now."
"Like what?"
"It's hard to explain… Things my mother said… Things that didn't make sense at the time… And there's a girl."
"A girl?!" There was a slight note of alarm in Ymir's voice. Krista giggled.
"Nothing like that. Just someone… I feel like I knew… but if I knew her that well, how could I have forgotten her?"
Ymir watched her carefully but Krista's gaze was far off into the distance, miles away from either of them, her brow wrinkled in concentration as she fought for some scrap of the memories from her past that were so fragmented.
"And if I were royalty, why did I have to grow up the way I did? I didn't live in the palace with the King. I didn't have people doting on me every second… I just had that woman. And they killed her anyway. Why would they have killed someone who gave birth to royalty?"
A shadow that escaped Krista's notice crossed Ymir's face very briefly before it was replaced by set determination. She put a thumb and forefinger gently under Krista's chin and turned her so they were looking directly into each others' eyes.
"Don't think about her, okay?"
Krista gave another little giggle that infiltrated straight to Ymir's heart, as always. She was helpless to her yearning as she caught her girlfriend's lips in a fierce kiss, pouring her love into her, wanting to singlehandedly chase away those years of worthlessness she'd faced when they'd hidden her away.
If only she knew…
Ymir wanted nothing more than to tell her everything, to say the words she knew would lift the burden straight from her fragile shoulders, and yet she couldn't. The time wasn't right. She had to be completely ready.
And… of course telling her would require revealing the one thing Ymir wasn't ready to reveal yet.
Krista broke their kiss gently and murmured, "We should probably start getting that firewood now."
Ymir nodded and stood up quickly, holding out her hands for Krista to grab so she could pull her up as well.
"Yeah. And that new girl's being evaluated today, remember? We should probably go watch."
"That's another thing…" Krista bent down, beginning to gather up a few sticks in her arms as Ymir paused in reaching for her own to glance back at her. "That Mikasa… I feel like I've seen her somewhere before."
This news really did startle Ymir.
"R-Really? But how could that be possible?"
"No idea," Krista crooned vaguely. "It's probably nothing."
"Yeah…" Ymir finally broke her own trance to continue with their chore, trying to act like Krista's words hadn't fazed her at all. "Probably nothing…"
Mikasa tried to remain calm that morning but from the moment she woke up she could feel a persistent knot in her stomach that seemed like it was there to stay. Logically she knew the feeling was silly; that she had been doing quite well in training with Eren, but that knowledge alone didn't seem to help. She dressed absentmindedly, thinking she'd go down to the mess hall for breakfast next, but then halfway down the stairs she realized that her appetite had deserted her. Sitting around waiting for the evaluation to begin wasn't going to do her any good at this point. So instead of going to join the cluster of voices she heard floating from down the hall, Mikasa turned the other way once she'd reached the bottom of the stairs and slipped out the front doors of the castle, heading for the training area.
The cool mid-morning air outside grasped lightly at her hair, sending it drifting lazily around her face and playing with the ends of her scarf. She breathed it in deeply, trying to let it relax her, and it worked a little; on the surface her limbs began to loosen up, but she could still feel the knot at her core reminding her that she couldn't let her guard down until she'd landed on two feet at the end of that evaluation course.
She found one of the training dummies that had been set up outside to practice marksmanship and hand-to-hand combat with, and began throwing a few warm-up punches at it. Once she felt her limbs start to loosen more with the continued movement, her strikes grew stronger and faster, each blow finally beginning to unravel the ball of stress within her. She let herself get lost in the exercise, the therapeutic power behind each precise strike, the satisfaction of feeling her own strength rushing through her veins.
Mikasa became so engrossed in her workout that she lost track of the world. She didn't notice as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky. She didn't notice as dark clouds began to roll in ominously in the distance. And she didn't notice as someone approached her carefully from the direction of the castle.
"Hey."
Jumping about three feet in the air and letting out an embarrassing squawk of surprise, Mikasa rounded on the newcomer and aimed a wild swing at him that had originally been meant for the training dummy. Luckily, Eren ducked just in time.
"Whoa!" he laughed, throwing his hands up on either sides of his head in surrender. He was holding a hunk of bread in one of them. "I come in peace!"
Mikasa blinked, slowly coming out of her endorphin-induced trance. "Eren?"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you. I just noticed you didn't come to breakfast, and I thought you might want something to eat by now. Don't want to face Erwin on an empty stomach!" he held out the bread sheepishly.
Mikasa took a few more deep breath and realized that as she hadn't noticed the hours passing by, she also hadn't noticed the gnawing sensation growing in her stomach the longer she'd burned off her nerves. She reached out to accept the bread gratefully.
"Thank you."
"You okay?"
"Yeah," she managed a small closed-mouth smile at him as she chewed and swallowed a bite of bread. "I've just been a kind of nervous this morning, honestly."
Eren nodded. "Yeah, I don't blame you. But seriously, you just keep going like you have in practice and you'll be fine. I know it."
Mikasa nodded but felt the knot in her stomach already beginning to come back the longer she remained stationary. The next bite she took of bread was considerably smaller.
"I need to sit down," she said finally.
"Sure… do you want me to leave you alone? I'd understand if-"
"Please stay."
She walked over and slumped back against the trunk of a nearby tree, sinking down to the forest floor, her legs sprawled out in front of her. Eren followed suit, falling next to her in a similar fashion. The moments passed in silence as Mikasa finished bite after bite of bread, but when it was gone, her hands kept twitching restlessly. She was worried if she opened her mouth to speak to Eren any more the fuel he'd just given her would come back up of its own accord, and that was the last thing she wanted, so instead she screwed up her courage, reached out, and took his hand.
Eren tensed at the sudden contact and glanced over at her in surprise, but when he saw the look on her face he smiled at her comfortingly and relaxed, giving her hand a slight squeeze. Mikasa could feel her heart rate begin to even out at his warm touch, her breathing beginning to come more easily. The returning knot loosened its hold on her insides again as well. They sat there in comfortable silence for a long time after that. Part of Mikasa wished she could freeze time in that moment, but of course the ongoing march of the universe had its own ideas.
After a while, Eren tilted his head to the side to look over at her.
"Mikasa, I-"
"Jaeger! Ackerman!"
Whatever Eren was about to say was lost on his lips as he and Mikasa both jumped to their feet like they'd been stuck with hot pokers. Mikasa dropped Eren's hand instantaneously, snapping into the salute Eren had taught her a few days ago as she turned to face the unmistakable voice of Captain Levi. He was headed over from the direction of headquarters, flanked by the entire rest of the squad and a new man: tall and intimidating, every step he took radiating with authority.
"That's the Commander," Eren hissed to her under his breath, and Mikasa stood up even taller, raising her chin to meet Erwin's eyes as he approached.
"Ackerman, I presume?" he asked her, his expression stony.
Mikasa inclined her chin a few inches but did not break eye contact with the Commander. "Yes, Sir."
"We've been looking for you this morning."
"My apologies, Commander. I needed to clear my head a bit before the evaluation."
Erwin nodded. "Will you be ready to start soon? It looks like a storm is on the way. We should finish before it hits."
"Yes, Sir."
"Good."
Erwin turned to address the rest of the troops. "Please clear a space. The evaluation is about to begin. I'd like to examine your hand-to-hand combat skills first."
Mikasa's heart lurched. This was the part she'd been the most worried about.
Erwin motioned her forward and she obeyed, walking to the center of the clearing where everyone else had lined up in a sort-of semicircle to create a large open space in the middle. She looked around all of their faces, most of which were unreadable, until she got to Armin. She couldn't help but break into a tiny smile as he beamed at her and flashed a double thumbs up in her direction.
"Annie," Erwin's voice rang out, and Mikasa started a little. "Why don't you come and be her sparring partner?"
Mikasa blinked. "But… But Sir, I've been training the past few days with Eren."
"All the more reason for you to face someone you haven't fought yet. How well can you adapt, Mikasa?"
Mikasa swallowed, trying to calm her racing heart as Annie Leonhardt stepped out of the line-up to face her. The other girl remained as disarmingly impassive as ever, even as she began to sink into her fighting stance. Erwin stepped back, getting ready to give the order for them to begin, and Mikasa dropped to her fighting stance as well, trying to keep her head clear. In the split second before Erwin could yell "go," she chanced a glance over at Eren, who'd long since moved to the side to stand next to Armin. He didn't smile, but determination burned in his eyes as he met hers, confidence exuding from the nod he sent her way. One single nod. But that was all she needed.
"Go!"
It was Annie who took the first swing. The blow came more quickly than Mikasa had expected, and she just barely managed to dodge out of the way, only to be met again on the other side by another blow that connected with her cheek. She jumped back, trying to shake it off as she glared into Annie's cold eyes, preparing to fire her own attack. But when she launched forward, the blonde met her every move, blocking each strike with expert precision, like she knew everything Mikasa was going to try milliseconds before she could even make the shot. Then she'd swiped her leg underneath Mikasa's moving feet and had knocked her flat on her back, winded, still trying to comprehend what exactly had just happened. It had all been too fast.
On the sidelines, Eren took an inadvertent step forward, his fists clenched, but Armin placed a hand on his shoulder, reminding him wordlessly that they couldn't interfere.
Back on the ground, as reality finally sank in, humiliation came with it. Part of Mikasa didn't want to sit up and face the rest of the group at all, but then Erwin's voice was booming out over the clearing.
"Go again!"
Annie appeared above her in her line of vision, offering a hand out to help pull her up, which Mikasa accepted. The two girls faced each other again, Mikasa's brain racing this time.
She was getting another chance. Erwin was giving her another chance. But Annie's fighting style was completely different than Eren's, it was plain now. She wasn't as upfront, much quicker on her feet and harder to predict. She was much less offensive and chose instead to play the defense, turning it to her advantage when possible. Now the question was how to adjust with that new knowledge in mind.
This time, Mikasa tried striking first, letting fly a barrage of attacks Annie's way, trying to look for a weak point. But once again, it was Annie who found hers first, sending a well-aimed punch right at her gut, winding Mikasa and forcing her to her knees. In that moment, Mikasa looked up and saw a glimmer of triumph in Annie's eyes as she raised her foot to send another finishing blow her way, and that was when Mikasa stopped thinking.
She stopped analyzing, stopped trying to predict every upcoming move, and let something else take over her entirely. The rush of anger at the thought of being beaten again sent adrenaline coursing through her and she rolled out of the way of Annie's flying foot, causing it to land harmlessly in the dirt as Annie's head whipped around, trying to follow her rapidly increased movements.
But Mikasa was faster now. She'd surrendered to some part of herself she hadn't even known existed, and suddenly it was like she'd zoned in on the battlefield like an eagle scouting its prey from above. She didn't need to predict Annie's actions anymore, her body told her what to do as each moment came.
Dodge and punch and duck and swing.
Elbow, knee.
Grab her arm.
Shift their weight across your own body while you focus in on your center of gravity so you don't strain yourself.
Annie soared over her shoulder and landed with a sickening thud.
Get it?
Got it.
It took Mikasa another few seconds to come out of her newfound fighting mode, but when she did the first thing she realized was that people were clapping. She looked over to the side and saw most of the squad in an absolute frenzy.
Reiner and Bertholdt remained still and impassive, but Connie had jumped on Sasha's back and was swinging an arm around his head, whooping wildly as Sasha danced around beneath him, cheering. Jean was clapping his hands over his head furiously, his face somewhat slack with awe. Hanji was grinning and doing a funny dance that sort of looked like she had to go to the bathroom. But then again, maybe she did. Krista and Ymir had at least maintained their composure, but were both clapping far more enthusiastically than Mikasa would have expected for people who had yet to acknowledge her existence to her face. Armin was fist pumping the air whooping and hollering almost as loud as Connie, his eyes alight. And right next to him…
Eren stood stock still.
As their eyes met, the final remnants of Mikasa's strange haze melted away and all her senses came rushing back, except now it was like she was hyper-aware of everything: the blood rushing to her cheeks, the soaring feeling in her stomach, the buzzing around her brain.
Because Eren Jaeger was looking at her like he'd just jumped brazenly over the edge of a seaside cliff and become frozen in the breathtaking moments before he hit the water below.
"Congratulations! You just passed round one," Erwin called out.
Mikasa gave herself a mental shake.
"Thank you, Captain," she turned to him and saluted, then turned to reach out a hand to help Annie up.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
If she was angry about her defeat, Annie was doing an amazing job of hiding it. She merely gave Mikasa a nod of concession and walked back over to stand next to Reiner and Bertholdt again.
"All right, let's see how you do with the maneuvering gear," Erwin announced, but by now all the tension was gone from the afternoon. The hard part was over, and Mikasa felt light as air.
She carried this feeling with her as she flew from tree to tree using the gear, making sure to show off her skills as much as possible to the spot where the group was stationed below. Erwin also asked her to demonstrate her marksmanship with the swords on one of the dummy "Titans" in the woods, which she did vehemently.
By the time the first thunderclap sounded in the sky signaling the end of her evaluation, she landed triumphantly to more praise from the rest of the squad. Even Erwin and Levi looked impressed by now. Though neither cracked a full smile, the severity in their expressions had softened considerably, and Erwin was nodding his approval.
"You're clearly a naturally skilled warrior, Miss Ackerman. Welcome to the squad."
Mikasa felt her eyes go wide as his words took effect and she snapped back to a salute, unable to stop a wide smile from spreading across her face.
"Thank you, Commander! I'm eager to join the Survey Corps. I won't let you down."
The onlookers burst into one last round of applause and were just starting to greet their new official comrade, Eren in the lead, when Reiner's low growl cut through the revelry.
"So that's it? We're just letting anyone on the squad now?"
Instantaneously, everyone fell silent and turned to stare at him.
"I mean, I know we've sunk pretty low the past few years, but now we're letting in whores from the inner circle? Yeah, that's where Jaeger found her, you know. Some whore house. I wasn't aware the Corps was a charity case now."
Mikasa felt the elation sucked from her like water draining from a tub, and suddenly the world was spinning for a whole new reason.
Everyone had turned back from Reiner to face her, varying degrees of shock on each prying face. All she saw was horror, all she felt was judgement, and when she finally met Eren's eyes again she was overwhelmed by the sickening feeling of her heart dropping as a likely explanation planted itself venomously in the back of her mind.
It was too much.
She felt herself stumbling back, a pounding noise filling her head and tears threatening to spill from her eyes, until the urge to bolt overwhelmed her and she turned and fled to the forest blindly. She paid no attention to the first raindrops that were finally released from the clouds that had been looming over them all afternoon. She paid no attention to the paths of the forest or landmarks of any kind. She didn't care where she went, as long as it was anywhere else.
And she paid no attention to the voice she heard calling her name from somewhere behind her.
"Mikasa!" Eren was shouting after her retreating form as it disappeared amongst the trees. "Mikasa, wait!"
Reiner scoffed. "Let her go, Jaeger. She doesn't belong with us anyway."
Eren rounded on the the other man, blood roaring in his ears as rage propelled him forward. His knuckles connected satisfyingly with Reiner's jaw, sending his head jerking backwards with a sickening cracking noise as he fell back a few steps before catching himself. For a second, all he could do was blink at Eren dumbly.
"How dare you?" Eren hissed, his body trembling as he seethed in fury. "What the HELL did she ever do to you?"
Reiner had seemed to get his bearings back now and let out a low growl, starting towards Eren menacingly, but two sets of hands grabbed him around the arms to pull him back. It appeared Annie and Bertholdt were the first two to finally break out of the stunned silence that had taken hold of everyone else.
"Keep it together, Reiner."
"He's not worth it."
Reiner continued to fume in their arms, possibly contemplating how exactly to break free, but the loudest clap of thunder yet ripped through the tension in the clearing like a battering ram, jolting Eren to his senses. He surveyed the sky above, feeling raindrops start to hit his face, and realized that this was not the place he needed to be right now.
Before anyone could stop him, he was racing off through the trees too.
He had a feeling he knew where to find her.
Though Mikasa hadn't started out with any destination in mind as she ran, her feet apparently had plans of their own because by the time she'd started to regain her senses, she found herself at Eren's creek. She also found that the rain was starting to pick up in intensity, splattering across her and sinking through her clothes to her skin and sending chills through her, but she didn't care.
She didn't care about the lightning overhead. Or the thunder.
The reality of her situation was finally catching up with her though she'd tried so hard to outrun it, and she found herself sinking to her knees on the side of the creek, forgotten 3-D maneuvering gear clunking around her as she hit the dirt and peered into the clear water before her.
The reflection looking back at her was distorted by the increasing number of raindrops falling all around, but she could somewhat make it out. Her pale, pallid visage. Her dead eyes. Her inky black hair hanging limply and beginning to stick to her face and neck the wetter it got. She thought she'd come so far, that she could start over with the Survey Corps, but now she knew that she'd been wrong to ever dare dream. That place was never going to let her go, no matter how far she got from it, it was always going to come back to haunt her. With a cry, she threw an angry fist fruitlessly at the creek's surface, letting it splash up around her.
By now the water from the creek met with the rain to make sure she was completely drenched, but she didn't care. Let it fall. Let it soak her to the skin. Let it wash every last trace of her away for all she cared. She closed her eyes and tilted her face up to the sky, welcoming the numbing siege from above.
And that was the position she was still in when she heard a single set of footsteps approaching her from behind.
He didn't say anything for a long time as he joined her at the water's edge, and though Mikasa was acutely aware of his presence next to her, she did not open her eyes.
"I'm sorry," he murmured finally, his voice hoarse. "I'm so sorry, Mikasa, I-"
"Eren… did you tell Reiner?" her eyes remained closed as she cut him off. She wasn't ready to face him yet. She wasn't ready to look into those pleading eyes and everything they used to mean to her.
"No! No, I swear I didn't."
Mikasa finally blinked her eyes open to look over at him accusingly.
"But…" and now it was Eren's turn to look away as he spoke. "But, I told Armin. And I think Reiner might have overheard."
Mikasa nodded slowly. There was another strike of lightning overhead. Another clap of thunder. She turned her face towards the sky again.
"I see."
"Mikasa…"
"I think I'd like to be left alone now, Eren."
She refused to look at him anymore, but she could sense his hesitation to leave.
"But… the storm…"
"I'll be fine."
"Are you sure…?"
"Leave me alone!" she heard the words rip from her throat like someone else had shouted them, but had no desire to take them back now. She closed her eyes again and listened to the rustling next to her as he stood up and trudged away through the trees.
It wasn't until Mikasa was sure his footsteps had faded away completely into the distance that she finally let herself break.
She let the salt of her tears fall with the rain and let out a strangled cry of frustration. The hurt throbbing inside her chest had finally reached unbearable levels. Never had she felt so trapped in her own body. Trapped by her own past. Trapped by her own existence. She clutched at her hair, cursing the way it was clinging all over, sticking to her uncomfortably, much too long, untouched by shears of any kind since she'd been taken into that hell of an existence so many years ago. The last shred left to remind her of everything she was trying to cast away.
The last…
The very last…
Mikasa froze.
She brought a handful of the raven hair she'd been gripping and brought it slowly around to eye-level, a feverish idea beginning to take shape. Before she could re-think it, before she could regret the choice at all, she'd drawn one of the swords from the gear still hanging around her waist. She gathered all of her hair into one fist and in a single swift swipe of the shining blade, her entire head suddenly felt lighter and the bundle of black she'd been gripping was in front of her, severed at the ends.
Slowly, her breathing began to even out and the tears stopped falling after that. For reasons she could not explain, the longer she stared at the dead, soaking wet locks of hair in her hand, the more the pain in her chest began to recede.
She could, and would, keep going, no matter what. She was here for a reason, a reason bigger than a boy and bigger than petty disagreements with comrades. No matter what Reiner said, deep down she knew that she was finally exactly where she needed to be. And no one was going to chase her away.
Before Mikasa turned to finally make her way back to headquarters, she leaned over the the creek one more time and let the sliced bundle of hair drop into the water, watching as the rain took hold to wash it all away downstream until there wasn't a single strand left anymore.
A/N: You had to know it wasn't all going to be a walk in the park, right?
If you read, thank you so much.
If you review, thank you extra.
Hope to see you all next chapter! I'll get it up as soon as I can. x)