Part V – Boys' Night Out
AN: This story really was supposed to be only four parts. It was meant to end with the Kensi and Kamran period talk. As I was writing that, however, Sam and Deeks wanted some time to commiserate after Kensi schooled them on pads, tampons, and other accoutrements of a woman's menstrual cycle. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to fit with the tone of Part IV, so it looks like they get a longer, more detailed night all to themselves. That's your warning, male (and squeamish) readers. It only gets more graphic from here (although if you read between your fingers, you just might learn something)!
"So how's the boat coming along?" Deeks asked as he set another round of drinks on the four-top in a back corner of a bar. He, Callen, and Beale had found themselves without their usual companions for the evening, and it hadn't been difficult to rope Sam into a boys' night out. "I tried to talk Kensi into living on a boat with me once," he recalled.
"I picture you more in Sam's last abode, Deeks: a trailer on the beach. You know, roll out of bed and straight into the surf," Eric said as he started picking at the label on his IPA.
"Your partner couldn't fit the contents of her desk and locker into Sam's boat, Deeks. Or a trailer, for that matter. Keep dreaming." Callen observed after a pull from his beer.
"Maybe you can convince Kensi to stay on a boat and go sailing for your honeymoon," Sam suggested, sliding his rocks glass across the table and glancing at the amber liquid for a moment before deciding against a sip just now.
"Now there is an idea, Sam-Dog. Which I will be sure to share with my beloved when I get home."
The former SEAL looked uncomfortable. "Don't do me any favors. If she doesn't like it she might send me another article about menstrual cups as payback."
"I'm sorry, did you just say 'menstrual cups?' What the hell is a menstrual cup?" Callen asked. "And another article? Meaning she already sent you one?"
Sam nodded ruefully.
"Do I want to know?" Before Sam could respond, Callen corrected himself, "No, you know what, I don't. Forget I asked. And I'll try to forget you actually said the words menstrual cup."
"Not to pick nits, Callen, but you just said it like, three times. And I'm pretty sure that's the first time Sam's ever actually uttered the term," Deeks said.
"Obviously I'm missing something, so who's going to tell me?" Callen asked.
After a long pause during which Sam and Deeks simply stared into their drinks, Eric said, "It's a bell-shaped cup made of silicone that a woman inserts into her-"
"Not what I meant, Beale," Callen cut him off.
Deeks and Sam exchanged looks, each wordlessly demanding the other explain.
Sam muttered, "Kensi's your fiancée."
"And she was helping your daughter," Deeks countered easily.
"She's also your partner. Which means you're the best person to speak for her."
Deeks couldn't come up with another argument, so he ran his hand through his hair quickly before blowing out a huff of breath. He took another swig of beer and said with a grin, "They're also more environmentally friendly. Kensi's a big fan of hers when we're working and, you know, she's in her lady phase. She hates the telltale outline of tampons in her pocket, especially in the field."
"TMI, man," Callen lamented.
Deeks shrugged, unashamed. "You asked."
"Sam?" Callen turned to his partner for help.
"Kam got her first period a few weeks before she left for Stockdale. Kensi came and brought supplies, talked over some things with her. It was a big help, to both Kamran and me," Sam explained.
"Aww, that's so sweet," Eric said.
"And one of the supplies was a menstrual cup?" Callen was still having some difficulty wrapping his head around the concept.
"Nah, that's like AP level menstrual equipment, apparently," Deeks said, shaking his head and downing the remaining contents one beer before picking up the fresh one. "Right up there next to tampons without applicators, no pun intended."
"Ooh, 'right up there,'" Eric shook his head as he watched Sam grimace.
At Callen's look, which reflected the understanding that he still hadn't gotten the whole story, the detective added, "After her time with Kam, Kensi sat me and Sam down and gave us the full tutorial. For future reference."
"I don't know about you, Deeks, but I could have lived the rest of my life without some of that information," Sam admitted.
"How do you guys not know this stuff already? I mean, Sam, was married for a long time and Deeks has been living with Kensi for more than a year," Callen observed.
"G, I knew what color box of tampons to pick up for Michelle when she asked, and that was more than enough. I never had to pay attention to things like flow, absorbency, and which ones had wings. Michelle knew all that stuff already when we met."
"Wings?" Callen said.
"Those are on pads, not tampons, Sam. They're the little extra sticky pieces that help keep them in place," Deeks reminded him.
"Right," Sam muttered humorlessly. "And flow and absorbency only matter for tampons."
"Not exactly," Eric jumped in. "Both tampons and pads come in different levels of absorbency, and the trick is to match that to how light or heavy the flow is expected to be on any given day. It can be anywhere from uncomfortable to downright messy if you don't pick the right amount of absorbency. But it is particularly important not to use a tampon that's too absorbent, or keep any tampon in for too long, since that can act as a breeding ground for Staph bacteria and may heighten the risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome."
"This conversation's heading from uncomfortable to downright messy," Callen said.
"How do you know this, Beale? You have something you want to share with the class?" Deeks asked.
"My high school madrigal choir and college a capella group were mostly girls…uh, women. This was not an unusual conversation to have to listen to, especially when several of their periods were in sync."
Deeks gave an exaggerated shudder. "So what's your opinion on plastic versus cardboard applicators?"
"No! No, no, no," Sam cut in. "Men shouldn't have opinions on sanitary napkins and what their applicators are made of."
Deeks laughed. "What are you, Great Grandpa Hanna? You can call them pads. And they don't use applicators, tampons do. You've got to get this straight, brother. See, the tampon looks like this," Deeks started to roll his cocktail napkin into a tube shape. "Beale, you make yours into a pad," he encouraged.
Callen snatched the paper away from the technical operator before he could comply. "We don't need a demonstration, thanks."
"You sure? I bet we can ask any of the nice ladies at that table over there to get us one of each from the dispenser in the women's rest room," Deeks was starting to enjoy the senior agents' discomfort. "Or take Kensi up on her offer to show us up close and in person."
"Ew," Callen said, clearly disturbed.
"Not like that," Deeks said. "That night, she was going to get a couple of pads and tampons from Kam's stockpile for us to get a better idea of what she was talking about. But we declined," the detective tilted his head toward the bigger man, indicating it was really Sam who rejected the suggestion.
Sam, however, was not enjoying himself. "No, this is my little girl we're talking about."
"Little woman is more like it. She's growing up!" Eric's happiness was so sincere it was hard for Sam to be annoyed at him.
"How'd the other thing work out? Did Kam find something that helped?" Deeks asked seriously, attempting to change the subject slightly.
"Which other thing?"
"The cramps," he whispered.
Sam gave a small smile, "We went to the drug store the next day and compared ingredients on all the multi-symptom, maximum strength PMS and menstrual pain relief meds we could find. She texted me last week to tell me that after three cycles, Pamprin works the best, but even that's not enough. Luckily, a heating pad usually takes care of the rest."
"That makes sense," Eric nodded. "Dysmenorrhea is the result of prolonged contractions that help the body shed and expel the uterine lining. Medical research has yet to fully explain it, but the common theory is that heat therapy helps alleviate the pain because it relaxes the muscles of the uterus and increases blood flow."
The men turned to look at their colleague. "Please don't tell us this is what you and Nell discuss when you're alone in your bat cave and off coms," Callen said.
"One of my best friends from the Chorallaries, proud to be MIT's loudest coed a capella group by the way, became an OB-GYN. She comes out here for an annual professional conference and we keep in touch," Eric defended himself.
"Lucky Nell," Callen muttered.
"Anyway Sam, I'm glad to hear Kam's adjusting," Deeks said. "You know, one benefit in the timing of all this was that you didn't have to live with 'Crampy Kamran' for very long. When Kensi's are really bad she's like a totally different person. In my head I named her Krampsi. The moaning, the whining, the grumping around the house; even Monty hides from her. Those single-use heat wraps she uses are supposed to work for up to eight hours, but I can tell the moment we cross over into hour six. Her head may as well spin a complete three-sixty. Heaven help us if we're on a stakeout. Good thing we keep them, and chocolate, stashed pretty much everywhere."
"Yeah, Kam said those heat wraps were a lifesaver after she got to school. I had an entire case of them sent up to her a couple of weeks ago. I'm surprised Kensi didn't tell you; I know Kam told her."
Deeks shook his head, "Kensi doesn't share the specifics of that aspect of Kamran's life with me."
"I'm sure she'll appreciate knowing how you've shared the gory details of hers with us," Callen said.
The detective's eyes grew wide in panic, "You can't tell her I said anything, especially not this week! She'll strangle me with the cord of her heating pad while I sleep. Or stuff my mouth full of non-applicator tampons, tape it shut with a panty liner, and then sit back and watch me slowly suffocate as she eats peanut butter cups."
"I'm guessing it's Kensi's time of the month right now? Or should I say her Aunt Flo is in town, make you guys more comfortable?" Eric asked with a grin.
"You know, Deeks, I'm not sure I've ever really noticed an appreciable difference in Kensi when she must have her period. I mean, I've guessed at times, but probably only because I'm a trained observer."
"Good. Let's keep it that way, yeah? Kens tries really hard to make sure you guys don't see her as weaker because she's a woman when she's all crampy and cranky."
"She won't hear it from me, Deeks," Sam assured him. "And hopefully all of that gets better once you have a kid."
"That happens?" Deeks perked up.
"It did for Michelle. Your description of Kensalino reminded me of the early days of our marriage, but the worst of it disappeared after she had Aiden."
Deeks looked at Eric. "Is that true? Does this hell stop after women give birth?"
Eric frowned, "Not necessarily. For some women it gets better, for some it gets worse, and for some there's no change. And there's no way to know in advance which might happen. Sorry."
"I can't imagine it being any worse some months, so let's just keep this little gem from Kensi too, okay? We're finally on the same page about having little mutant assassins one day."
"Ah, so that's why Kensi wanted you to know about this stuff too," Callen said.
"I did say 'for future reference,'" Deeks acknowledged. "You know, so I'm prepared for when Princess Sunshine Deeks and Mama Sugar Bear Blye-Deeks start fighting over the last piece of candy in the house."
Callen snorted, "Now there's an image. A bit of advice, Daddy Deeks? Run the other way."
"Come on, Kensi eats junk food all month long. That's just an excuse for her to eat more," Sam said.
"Actually, those cravings may be real," Eric said. "And probably the result of lower progesterone and estrogen levels causing a drop in blood sugar. Combine that with less serotonin and the fact that the body uses sugars and carbs to make that feel-good hormone, and bang, you have the perfect storm for craving sweets during the peri-menstrual and menstrual phases. Of course, there have been other findings that suggest the craving of sweets and fats is a learned behavior with chocolate as a reward or indulgence for the additional stress menses puts on their bodies and emotions. But you won't hear me telling Kensi that. Or Nell, for that matter."
"You can get those same results by eating more protein and complex carbohydrates," Sam said. "And I plan to share that with Kam next time she's home. You should let Kensi and Nell know," he encouraged Deeks and Eric.
"Yeah, no. Because I value my life," Deeks said. He tipped his bottle toward Eric in a toast of solidarity.
"You guys are whipped," Callen said.
"No, we just possess an appropriate amount of respect for the women in our lives who are strong and smart enough to kill us and hide our bodies without leaving any evidence," Deeks countered. "And considering Anna fits neatly into those categories too, I hope you were paying attention tonight, Callen."
"Anna doesn't have these problems," Callen said smugly.
"Oh, ho, ho, my friend, just wait until you start living together, or spending multiple consecutive days and nights with each other," Deeks chuckled. You will be amazed at the 'issues' you will suddenly find yourself dealing with on a daily basis. The least of them, if you're lucky, is having to run to the store in the middle of the night to pick up pads or tampons."
"The man speaks the truth, G. Just make sure you get the right absorbency," Sam winked.
"Yeah, well," Callen polished off his beer. "Partner, you have my permission to shoot me if I'm ever actively involved with a conversation like this in the future. Besides, now that Anna's about to start with ATF, any possibility of cohabitation is off the table, so I won't be needing guidance in this particular area from Beale and you other ladies."
"Uh huh," Deeks wasn't buying it. "You could have left at any time, you know."
"Speaking of, why aren't you with Anna tonight?" Sam asked.
Callen shrugged. "She wanted to study tonight, refresh her memory of physics and chemistry before her ATF training begins."
Eric and Deeks exchanged a look and broke into laughter.
"What?" Callen asked.
"Our lady birds stayed late at the mission tonight because Kensi's been teaching Nell Krav Maga," Deeks explained. "You know, so they can kick our asses even better. While Anna's brushing up on science that may help her dispose of evidence."
"And here we sit comparing notes about menses," Eric pointed out.
Sam held back a snort and lifted his drink. Thinking of Michelle and Kamran as well as Kensi, Nell, and Anna, he said, "To the mighty women who've blessed our lives."
"Hear! Hear!" everyone agreed.
AN2: Thanks to Phnxgirl for helping me find a work-around for Eric being the one who knows all about menstrual cycles and other "female" matters. I originally wrote him as having four sisters, one of whom was a gynecologist. Because, you know, we knew basically nothing about Eric's family until Mountebank (9x05), when he announced that he had no sisters. Thanks for nothing, PTB!