"A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans
Then making a wish, he tossed in the sea
Walked to a town that all of us burned
When god left the ground to circle the world."
~Iron & Wine, "Boy With A Coin"
Chapter 7: Heartbeat
Friend or foe?
They hadn't had time to answer the question. Fire had replaced the rain, blood had replaced the rivers, ash had replaced the mountains.
Men of God stood in the streets, screaming at those fleeing around them that it was too late.
And then it all stopped.
And not a soul breathed a word of protest as the giants stretched out their arms as if in an embrace and closed them all in forever.
No one asked the price.
After another day of practice to make sure that the new-and-improved gear was fully functional and to make sure everyone was clear on the plan, the Survey Corps set out the following evening.
Wall Rose only had four gates leading back to what had previously been human territory before the fall of Wall Maria, and each was surrounded by a settlement, ensuring that their escape would be extremely difficult. They'd need to sneak out without being seen by the Military Police or anyone else who might be inclined to report them to the King.
Levi chose the groups they'd be working with according to their various assigned roles in the plan, and thus a very disgruntled Mikasa found herself sneaking between buildings with Eren and Jean at either side.
"Do you see anybody?"
"No, Eren, if I saw anyone, I would tell you."
The words came out harsher than she'd intended them to. Eren fell silent again.
They all wore cloaks in dark and muted colors to hide their Survey Corps uniforms, and a few had even donned wigs to further their disguise: Eren included. He'd been given a blonde wig and every time Mikasa looked at him, a new wave of barely contained laughter bubbled up in her throat. He looked like Armin if Armin spent too much time in the sun and developed a permanent scowl.
However, she kept her laughter contained. She knew the scowl was probably due to much more than having to wear a silly wig. They'd hardly spoken at all since their run-in during testing the day before, the wall between them stretching higher than ever. Eren, meanwhile, was avoiding her eyes like they'd burn him, the pleading she'd seen in them before now replaced by stone, the same stone encasing her own heart. It appeared this was the way to survive out here.
"There goes Levi," Jean murmured, bringing Mikasa's full attention back to the task at hand.
They watched intently from the alley they were hiding in as Erwin and Levi slipped out of the shadows, approaching the gate as inconspicuously as possible. It was a simple plan, really, and yet every hair on Mikasa's arms stood on edge as she watched the gate open for them as they disappeared inside. The plan might be simple, but so much of it depended on variables going exactly as they hoped. One slip up and they might not make it out.
She realized, too late, that as they'd all hung onto Erwin and Levi's every move, she'd drifted awfully close to Eren from behind, her breath lightly brushing his neck and her chest pressing into him. He seemed to become aware of the contact around the same moment, his muscles tensing as he flashed his eyes at her.
"Could you move back? I need some space."
He didn't smile. Mikasa returned his cold tone with one of her own, taking a quick step backwards.
"Oh, now you want space?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Guys!"
Jean's warning came just in time. From the other side of the alley, two dark figures had just turned into view. They wore jackets just like those the Survey Corps wore, though Mikasa knew that theirs must be embellished with the symbol of a horse with a horn protruding from its head instead of the wings. They were with the Military Police.
After a brief second of panic, Eren pulled his hood down lower over his eyes and angled his face to the side strategically. Jean followed suit, leaving Mikasa to meet the police face-to-face when they demanded, "You three! Is everything all right? Why are you sticking around in the alleys so late?"
"I… we…" Mikasa stuttered. She could feel the blank stares of the men boring into her, poised to pounce on the fragile charade the first chance they got.
She could not afford to mess this up.
Words… find the words… any words…
"We're just having a small family disagreement," Mikasa managed finally. "I'm sorry, we were coming back from town for the day, but we'll get inside immediately, sir! We didn't mean to cause a scene!"
There was a moment of agonizing silence as the police regarded Mikasa and her two hooded companions with suspicion. One leaned forward to try and get a better look at Eren's face.
"Open your eyes, son! What was this fight about?"
They should have disguised him better. He was one of the most guarded humans within the walls, surely they'd be able to recognize him the second they saw those unmistakable eyes…
"He can't!" Mikasa cut in as quickly as she could. "He's blind. They're my brothers, they got into a fight over the inheritance, you see. My younger brother feels that the older brother shouldn't get it because he's blind. I'm trying to make them both see reason, but you know how it is."
One of the guards scoffed. "No wonder they won't even face each other. Okay well, just please keep all personal disagreements to the privacy of your own homes and off the streets from now on. Get home."
Hardly daring to believe any of the wild lies had worked, Mikasa took Eren and Jean's arms on either side and began to walk around the corner in the opposite direction from the Military Police.
They'd made it! They'd really-
"Wait!"
The same guard that had almost recognized Eren was now running back at them, his eyes narrowed. "You don't look much like your brothers at all, Miss. In fact I've never seen anyone else around these parts that looks quite like you. Are you sure you're related?"
Mikasa did her very best to cover her nerves with what she hoped was an offended expression.
"I'm… I'm adopted."
For a second, she thought her chance persuasive abilities had finally run dry, but then the guard nodded.
"Of course. I'm sorry ma'am. Have a good rest of the night."
And then the sounds of their sharp boots were echoing away back down the alley from which they'd first come. Slowly, Mikasa, Eren, and Jean each let out a long breath.
"I think they're gone," Mikasa whispered, leaning back against the wall of the dwelling behind her.
"Wow, I can't tell if you're a better liar than I thought, or if those guys were just really dumb," Eren admitted, his face breaking into a grin. Mikasa almost grinned back, but the word liar rang in her head, forcing the smile to fall from her face as quickly as it had manifested. She dropped her hold on his arm much more roughly than she dropped Jean's.
"Okay, what is up with you guys?"
Jean stepped away from the other two, facing them with crossed arms and a deathly glower.
"What do you mean?" Eren asked, refusing to look back at him.
"You know what I mean. You both almost just blew this whole thing for us because you couldn't stop arguing for two seconds. You've been acting weird around each other for the past few days and we can all see it. Now, I don't know what happened, but for the time being you both need to suck it up so we can all work together to get out of here. We can't afford another slip up like that last one. The good of humanity rests on it and shit."
With that, he gave them each a firm glare to let them know that the discussion was closed and the terms were non-negotiable, then turned back around to face their view of the gate again.
Mikasa didn't know what to say, but she knew Jean was right. Slowly, hesitantly, she brought her gaze up to meet Eren's, feeling her face color at having to be admonished for such childish behavior. Eren seemed to have reached a similar level of embarrassment; his shoulders deflated pitifully, his blonde wig looking more ridiculous than ever. Mikasa felt a small twinge somewhere beneath the stone inside her but ignored it, keeping it at bay long enough to exchange a small nod with Eren: a silent agreement.
For now, getting past those walls was more important than secrets and hurt feelings.
"Do you guys hear that?" Jean whispered, pointing to the gate.
A tune was floating through the air, a slow mournful tune that sounded like the end of a day that had dealt more than its fair share of grief. A chorus of voices sang it out with a gusto weighted and slurred from alcohol, the words flying from the mouths of those who knew it well, who'd sung it at many an end-of-day campfire before.
"That's the signal," Eren murmured aloud, though they all already knew it.
For a moment, the haunting melody had taken a strange hold on them as it reached out to them through the night air, but now the trance was shattered as two more figures came into view from the shadows to the right of the gate. Ymir, looking around furtively, followed closely by the recently brunette Krista. They each led two horses behind them, walking at a slow pace so the clip-clop of hooves would not carry too far through the night air around the town.
"Do you think they can make it?" Eren asked, his voice hushed again. No one answered. Instead, they all waited with baited breath, eyes glued to the gate.
The song from inside faltered, but this was expected; what really mattered was whatever was about to happen next. The agonizing seconds of silence seemed to stretch endlessly before them, the entire world frozen within. Then, with a collective release of breath, the same song the soldiers had been singing before started up again, filling the night air with relief for those outlaws depending on it in the shadows.
"I think… I think this might actually work!" Eren drank in the scene eagerly, his body shifting forward, waiting for their turn.
"Hold up Jaeger, don't get too excited. There go Armin and Hange."
They both walked into view leading more horses. The more people and horses passed through the gates, the more suspicious the Garrison would get. They were now very heavily depending on Levi and Erwin's abilities to remain convincing and keep them pacified with alcohol and excuses. Mikasa knew she should trust in their leadership, but still she couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong. She glanced behind them to make sure they weren't being watched, but the street behind them remained vacant, any trace of the police they'd encountered before long gone.
After a minute, it became apparent that Armin and Hange seemed to have made it through. Soon came Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner's group, leading the last of the horses, followed a few minutes later by Sasha and Connie, slinking unusually quietly through the shadows.
"We're up," Jean muttered. "Homestretch now, we've almost got this. Keep your head down, Jaeger."
Eren didn't need to be told twice. Mikasa led the way: the shield of unfamiliarity. She might look odd in comparison to everybody else, but she was the only current member of the Survey Corps that the government had never seen. They'd banked on the other members' faces not being recognizable enough, but Levi had stressed that they'd know Eren for sure if they saw him. And he was to be protected at all costs, for whatever reason.
For whatever stupid secret reason no one would tell her.
The walk toward the gate seemed to stretch forever, but finally they reached it, Mikasa watching the iron bars above her, half worried they were about to come crashing down on all of them. But the gate remained open.
Once inside the small space within the wall, the last division between human and Titan territory, the scene was much as Mikasa had expected: the low firelight flickering from the torches in the walls, the strong smell of alcohol surely putting a bleary haze in the eyes of the red-faced Garrison members sitting around a small wooden table off to the side. A loud guffaw of laughter echoed off the stony walls just as Mikasa, Eren, and Jean all entered.
"There's the last of our search party!" Erwin's voice boomed out over the rest. He was sitting with the soldiers like an old friend, Levi leaning against the wall behind them.
"I'm sorry again about the confusion earlier, I hope it's all squared away now. It was good to see all of you again!"
"You too, Erwin!" one of the red-faced men called. "It's been too long. Good to see they're starting to put the Survey Corps to use again!"
"Yes… well, you know, small missions are better than nothing. Hopefully not too much danger in the way this time! We'll only be an hour or two."
"Sure! We'll keep an eye out!"
"Yeah if Bruck can stay standing!"
There was a hearty guffaw of laughter that Erwin took advantage of to shoot a look in Mikasa, Eren, and Jean's direction to keep moving. But they'd stayed still a moment too long.
"Hey!"
Mikasa noticed too late that a man in the corner had been staring intently at Eren and was now getting up for a closer look.
"Erwin, Levi… you said you weren't bringing the kid on this mission…"
"What? The Jaeger kid? Of course not, he's on top containment orders from the King. He was left back at Survey Corps headquarters with a guard, like I said."
"Funny… because this young man over here looks a lot like him…"
"Who? No, sir, please, my name is-"
But it was to late. Eren's pleas fell on deaf ears as the man pulled the blonde wig off his head, his real hair standing on edge beneath it from being out of place for so long. He glared fiercely at the man who'd exposed him.
"Erwin…" the other man, the one who they'd called Bruck, spoke again. "What is this mission really about?"
Erwin's face had frozen in tension, his jaw locked. "The good of humanity. Just like everything we do."
"And do you really have permission from the King to leave?"
Silence.
"Bring your people back in, Commander."
"That's not happening," Levi spoke now, stepping forward. "It's been many years since the trial, but I'm assuming you gentlemen remember why such heavy guard rules have been imposed on Jaeger?"
A dozen or so drunken gazes shifted to Eren, who stared them right back down, eyes fully aflame now. Slowly, he raised his fist, his thumb brushing lightly against his lips. The Garrison members' eyes widened, some even shifting backwards and hissing, bracing themselves.
"Ah," Levi intoned quietly, an unfriendly smile curling up the corners of his mouth. "It appears you do remember. Good. It would be a shame if we had to unleash him on you, wouldn't you agree?"
Mikasa was looking back and forth between Eren and the guards wildly, wondering what the hell they were talking about. What did Levi mean? Were they bluffing? Or was this all about whatever Eren's secret really was? What kind of secret could put that kind of fear in the eyes of grown men who far outnumbered them in strength and numbers?
She looked back at Eren, trying with all her might to see something new in him, something she'd missed before. But no matter how hard she looked, all she could see was the boy: the boy with the red scarf running frantically after her. The boy with moonlight on his face as he brushed the dirt off of hers. The boy who wrapped that same red scarf around her under the stars. The only person to run after her through the storm and the rain…
The person who'd told her the truth about everything but himself.
The Garrison members, on the other hand, seemed to be under the impression he was going to explode like a flash of lightning against a tree at any second. It didn't make sense. It didn't add up.
"Fine," Bruck said. "But they'll come after you."
"Will they?" Levi looked unperturbed. "With all those Titans out there? We're the only ones really qualified to fight them, you know. Kind of a mistake alienating the best defense squad in the Kingdom, don't you think?"
"Please. No one's seen a Titan in ten years. They're probably not even out there anymore."
"Really? You think so? Well if you're so sure, follow us out there right now, Bruck. We'd be happy to have another member of the team."
Levi cocked his head at his three juniors and turned to walk out side by side with Erwin. Bruck did not follow, nor did any of the other Garrison members.
"You go out there at your own risk, you know!" the man who'd exposed Eren called out.
It was Erwin who answered this time, turning back only slightly, causing everyone to pause behind him. His face was impassive.
"We always do."
And with tension still tight in the air, Erwin, Levi, Mikasa, Eren, and Jean walked out to the other side of the gate.
They didn't ride for very long that night; just to a safe house set up long ago that wasn't far outside of the walls. According to Levi, venturing too far in the open air while in Titan territory was asking for trouble, so it was best to find shelter while some people slept and others took turns keeping watch.
"Just remember, once we're outside those walls, we'll never really be safe," he'd said.
Mikasa wasn't sure what she'd expected once in Titan territory, but she couldn't help but think to herself that the reveal was slightly anticlimactic. From their tense send-off at the gate to the occasional ruins of human buildings scattered about, illuminated only by the dim moonlight that lit their way… there was no fanfare, no feeling of accomplishment or triumph; just the pounding of horse hooves in the dirt.
"There was a time it was different," Levi said as they dismounted their horses in front of the shelter, and Mikasa glanced over at him, eyebrows raised.
"They used to see us off with crowds and cheers. We road out at first daylight, not in the shadows. Then, everything changed when everyone drank stupid juice."
Mikasa kept staring at him, now beginning to seriously wonder if the Captain could read minds. He shrugged at her wrinkled brow.
"We were all thinking it. You're just the only one who wasn't there."
Then in his typical fashion, he strode away before she could think of any response.
You're just the only one who wasn't there.
For the thousandth time, Mikasa cursed that darkness that had swallowed her life for so long. This was not the way things should be, that much she knew.
There wasn't much room in the old safe house on the edge of Titan territory. Mikasa thought that at one point it must have been a family's house. She wondered if the previous owners had been lucky enough to make it behind the walls when everyone evacuated… or not.
Levi wouldn't let them start a fire so they all settled for eating bread and thin slices of stringy dried meat in the hollow room. The night was warm enough as it was, so they didn't need the extra heat. When they'd finished their meager meal, they all sat together for a while, conversing quietly.
"Do you think they'll come after us?" Jean asked the room at large, drawing a circle in the dirt on the floor next to him with a finger.
"Maybe." Erwin was facing away from everyone else, pouring over an old map he'd spread out over a table. "But I doubt it. They'll be too scared to come after us. Although, if we ever need to get back in, it might be extremely difficult to accomplish."
"So… we might never get to go home again?"
Silence fell over the small circle the squad had formed as they all let the reality of Connie's words sink in. Mikasa glanced around their little group, truly the last people she had in the world now.
The couples had leaned into each other: Sasha and Connie's hands intertwined, Krista's head on Ymir's shoulder. Bertholdt, Reiner, and Annie sat as still and blank as usual. Jean continued determinedly with his feverish dirt drawings, refusing to look up at anyone. Hange stood above the rest, twirling a pen absentmindedly in her fingers, not noticing or not caring when little flecks of black ink left spots on her fingertips. Levi had gotten the faraway look in his eyes of someone who'd seen too many sunsets. Armin sat with his legs curled up and his arms wrapped around them, a protective cage of his own making, staring blankly at the shapes Jean drew on the floor.
And then there was Eren.
When Mikasa looked at Eren, he was already looking straight at her. He looked away quickly once she'd caught him, but it was too late. Mikasa looked away too, feeling blood rush to her cheeks and she felt her insides lurch painfully.
"No use worrying about it now, anyway. We have to focus on the mission."
Erwin turned back from his map to face everyone, appearing not to have noticed the somber mood that had fallen over the rest of the group.
"Eren and Krista, why don't you take the first watch. Then you can pass it off to Connie and Mikasa."
Eren and Krista both nodded and stood up obediently to leave.
"Everyone else, get some rest while you can. The further outside the walls we go, the more dangerous things are going to get."
No one argued with Erwin. The tense escape from Wall Rose seemed to have left everyone drained. They laid out their thin blankets over the hard floor to lie down on, Levi sniffing distastefully at the dust that rose up, and everything fell quiet.
Mikasa lay, trying to ignore how uncomfortable the floor was, instead hoping the sounds of the night might lull her to sleep.
The night itself was as unassuming as ever. The soft chirping of crickets mixed with the distant singing of frogs and occasional hoots of owls, making it hard to believe that somewhere in the midst of it all were huge and horrifying creatures: the stuff of nightmares. In fact, if Mikasa closed her eyes, it was almost like she was a child again back at home, the garden outside her window whispering sweetly to her, her parents in the next room, prepared to protect her from any danger…
And then she was walking with them in the garden again.
"Protect it…"
"Remember…"
Protect it how? Remember what?
"Protect him!"
Who?
But the sky was turning red. Mikasa was screaming, her parents were red as the sky, splattered with blood as they'd been the last time she'd seen them, and then they were fading away entirely, no where to be found. Giant shadows appeared in the distance, shrouded in mist, keeping them just out of eyesight despite their looming presence drawing ever nearer.
And then Eren was there: the little boy she'd remembered for so long; red scarf flowing at his neck to match the sky and the blood, and he reached out his hand to her.
"Come with me, Mikasa!"
She reached back for him, but before their fingers could link, one of the shadows was right upon them, rising up behind Eren.
"Look out!" Mikasa cried out.
But instead of being swallowed by the giants the way her parents had been, Eren was growing with them. He rose up, taller and taller, and Mikasa could see he wasn't human anymore. He was something else, something like them, something awful. She was screaming again, trying to run, but unable to move.
Protect him…
Eren woke with a start, cold sweat on his forehead catching the night breeze.
A pair of big blue eyes against the starry sky was the first sight that met him as he regained his bearings, trying to catch his breath.
"Krista? Was I sleeping?"
"Yeah."
"What the hell? We're supposed to be keeping watch together! Why wouldn't you wake me? What if something had happened?"
Krista shrugged.
"Nothing was happening. I would have woken you up if it had. But you looked so tired, I thought you could use some rest. It was kind of mean of them to make you take the first watch anyway, but I'm sure Erwin didn't realize it."
"Oh. Well thanks, I guess. But don't let me do that again, okay?"
Krista looked away, smiling a little. "Okay."
Eren's breath had evened again now, the calm of the night setting in to ease his racing heart.
"What were you dreaming about, if you don't mind me asking?"
Eren shook his head, most of the details having already left him, leaving behind only the final horrible image for him to brood on.
"It's nothing. Just… nothing."
Krista nodded. "You were talking, you know. Not a lot. You just said 'come with me'."
"Oh… yeah?"
"Yeah. Were you dreaming about her?"
"Huh? Dreaming about… her? What? I mean… What do you… Who?"
"Mikasa."
"I… why would I be dreaming about Mikasa?"
Krista gave him a pointed look. "I don't know. You tell me."
Eren sighed his surrender. "When did you get so nosy, anyway?"
"We all care about both of you. We're really happy you brought Mikasa to us, at least most of us are, and we hate to see it go bad so quickly."
"You guys pay that much attention, huh?"
"Of course we do, Eren. We're family, you know."
"Yeah, I know." Eren smiled back at her now. "Look, it's no big deal. It's not like I was dreaming good things about her. Just more reminders of everything I'm doing wrong."
"You mean your Titan abilities?"
"Yeah. It's just overcomplicating everything. I wish I could just be normal, I wish I didn't have this big… stupid… thing hanging over my head all the time. I wish I could just tell her, but Levi doesn't want me to."
"Also you don't really want to."
"Maybe… a little… It's just hard, you know? I don't know how she'll react when I tell her. She'd probably be scared. Any person in their right mind would be."
Krista was quiet for a minute, contemplating his words.
"Maybe. But think about it. Would it really be any worse than the way things are now? Neither of you are happy as it is. At least then, she'd know the truth."
"You're right. I know you're right. It's like I've just got this block up in my head. I'm really scared of her face… if I tell her… what she'll think of me."
"Well right now she thinks you're a liar that she can't trust. This is what I'm trying to tell you, Eren, it's not better."
"Yeah… You're right."
"I know I am."
"It's almost time to change posts anyway. Could you give me a minute to talk to her?"
"Sure, you go in first."
"Thanks."
Eren's heart rate picked up as he opened the door to go back inside, preparing to wake Mikasa, wondering what he'd say. But when the door shut behind him, he realized she was already awake, pale white and sitting straight up in bed, shaking. He was at her side in a matter of seconds.
"What's wrong?" he kept his voice hushed, trying not to disturb the others, but the look on her face made him want to cry out to her. She was staring at the opposite wall blankly, like some horrible vision was still replaying itself in her mind's eye, unable to let her go.
"Mikasa!" he raised his whisper a little bit more, but she still didn't seem to hear him. Finally, he tentatively reached out a hand and placed it on her forearm.
"Mikasa!"
She jumped and gasped, color flooding back into her cheeks, her eyes finally meeting his. But instead of relief, more terror flooded their beautiful gray depths, and she recoiled from his touch.
"What's wrong?" he whispered desperately one more time.
"The dream…" her voice was so small, and she continued to look at him with so much terror. "I… you… What are you?"
Eren felt his heart sink all the way to the floor as all of his worst fears were confirmed in that single moment. He hung his head numbly.
"It was just a nightmare. I'm nothing."
And that was just what he felt like as he walked over to a spot in the far corner to try and get some more sleep, listening to Mikasa get up quietly, soon to be joined by Krista and Connie's voices as they changed the watch. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to tell her now.
It wasn't until much, much later that the thought struck him: had he and Mikasa had the same nightmare?
They set out from the safe house at daylight.
Mikasa shook fog from her head and eyes, determined not to let her poor night's sleep get to her. The dream felt so far away now, her terror when she'd woken up, Eren's face swimming before her, unusually pale. She couldn't remember why she'd been so scared of him now, the dream having left her when the rush of fresh hair outside hit her face.
It was probably just her projecting her own worries into her subconscious thoughts while she slept, everything she'd been speculating since the incident at the gate the previous day. She almost went to apologize to Eren, but held back.
She may have overreacted, but he was still keeping things from her.
Mikasa fell into her spot in formation next to Sasha, who gave her the usual glowing smile.
"You okay?" she asked. "You look kind of off."
"Yeah, it's nothing. I'm fine."
"Okay. Chin up! We gotta keep on the lookout for Titans!"
But as far as Mikasa could see, the landscape around them was basically the same as the night before, just bathed in the cloudy gray light of day now. She felt like she should probably feel more of a sense of urgency, of danger, but the empty landscape and bleak sky gave away nothing.
In fact the longer they rode, the more she started to feel like something was wrong. The way everyone had always talked about Titan territory, it definitely felt like they should have seen a Titan by now. But one hour on horseback turned into two and then three, and still they saw nothing. Mikasa began to sneak increasingly frequent glances at her squad members, trying to see if anyone else was showing signs of worry or confusion at their situation, but received no answers from their determined expressions.
What if… She felt her thoughts start to lean dangerously over the edge of a slippery slope.
What if they all really were insane?
What if they really had been banished for a reason?
What if everyone else was right?
What if the Titans were long gone?
She swallowed down a wave of panic, beginning to formulate wild plans in her mind. Where she should go, what she should do…
But finally, Erwin veered off to one side, pulling his horse around to face everyone as they all slowed to a collective stop.
"Please say what I think you're going to say," Levi spoke up, adjusting himself restlessly in his saddle.
"This isn't right!" Eren added from off to his left. "Where the hell are all the Titans?"
Erwin nodded slowly. "I don't know what's going on," he addressed the group at large. "But for now, we keep riding. Take advantage of the quiet the best we can. But remain on guard at all times. We'll try to find another safe area this evening."
"Yes sir!"
Mikasa glanced back over at Sasha again as they began to pick up speed.
"So… I wasn't the only one who noticed?"
Sasha smiled at her, but it wasn't at all her usual smile; this one didn't reach her eyes all the way.
"No, definitely not. I don't know what's going on either. Last time they were swarming us practically the second we were out. Now… I don't know. It's just really weird."
As they rode on through the long stretch of afternoon, stopping only once briefly for food and drink, the general mood of the group grew increasingly strained. Mikasa was partially relieved now that she could tell it wasn't all in her own head, and yet the eerie feeling that was taking hold of everyone else began to set in on her as well, constricting at her chest and clenching at her teeth.
Rather than relax anyone, the general consensus seemed to be that the lack of Titans meant that something was horribly wrong.
As Erwin had instructed, the Survey Corps found a small shaded glen not far from the trail they'd been following to rest once it started to get dark.
Mikasa was told to stand watch first, this time paired with Jean, a match that led to the first hour of the watch being filled with avoided eye contact and awkward silence. She felt like the minutes could not pass fast enough as she watched the moon make its painfully slow journey across the sky. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.
"Thanks, by the way," she said, casting a quick side-glance at Jean.
"For what?"
"For knocking some sense back into Eren and me yesterday. We were being idiots."
"You still are."
Mikasa scowled at him. "What are you talking about?"
Jean rolled his eyes. "If you're not going to say it then I'm not going to say it."
"Okay… well… good."
Mikasa felt her face grow hot and silently vowed to not say anything more until their watch was over. But Jean had other ideas.
"Hey Mikasa… the first time I ever met you in the forest that day, when Eren brought you to us… You kinda got a weird look on your face when I said hi to you. Was that… I mean… why?"
Mikasa continued gazing at the faded horizon line ahead of them in the distance. "It's kind of hard to explain. Actually you were kind of giving me a weird look, I thought."
"Really? What do you mean?"
"The way you were looking at me… It sort of reminded me of where I was, you know, before."
The color drained from Jean's face. He turned to look at her fully now. "Seriously? Oh man, I'm so sorry, I swear I didn't mean to…"
"It's fine. What were you thinking, though, if you don't mind me asking?"
A touch of color crept into Jean's cheeks, but he kept facing Mikasa, eyes bright.
"You kind of reminded me of someone I used to know. But it's fine, I realized pretty quickly you're not like him at all. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."
Mikasa nodded, letting silence fall for a minute before testing the waters gingerly.
"Who was he?"
"Doesn't matter," Jean shook his head. "He's been gone for a long time now."
"I'm sorry."
She looked back up, sort of wishing she hadn't pushed the matter, when a slight movement on the horizon distracted her completely.
"What's that?"
"What's what? Oh shit."
The shape was getting bigger now, and moving quickly.
"Everybody up!" Jean shouted, heading the few paces over to where everyone else was sleeping. "We've got company! Titan on the move!"
Levi was one of the first up, closely followed by Eren, Erwin, and Hange.
"Titan?" Levi asked. "Just one?"
"As far as I can see. But it's moving fast."
Levi's swords were already out of their sheaths, ready for battle.
"It's odd that there's only one. Perhaps a deviant? Keep your eyes out for more, people, don't forget their usual patterns!" Hange was barking orders now. "And try not to slice this one up too much, if you can. I haven't had a specimen to observe in a long time."
The woman's eyes caught a sort of manic glint unlike anything Mikasa had seen in them yet, glasses flashing dangerously. The shape in the distance grew bigger now, the details of its features becoming increasingly visible, and despite her training and the warnings from the others, Mikasa still felt herself cringe at the sight of her first Titan.
It must have been seven meters tall at least. Its features were almost human, and yet so plainly simultaneously monstrous that the contrast was jarring. Its face was twisted and contorted, its run uneven, its arms flailing awkwardly at its sides. It was clearly coming for them, though it didn't seem to actually see them. Mikasa reached for her swords without even thinking about it. Just looking at it made her want to cut it down, to get rid of its mocking soulless leer for good.
But when it was within a few feet, Levi sprang first before anyone else could move. Mikasa had to admit, it was mesmerizing to watch him in action. He used his gear seamlessly, like it was an extension of his very being, as he propelled himself towards the Titan's neck with catlike grace. His movements were so fast it was hard for Mikasa's eyes to catch them all; one moment he'd be in one position, the next a different entirely, dodging the Titan's reaching arms as it fought clumsily to brush him off or grab him. And then he was upon the neck, his swords flashing in the light of the moon, as he reached out to deliver the decisive deathblow. The Titan fell with a resounding crash, the leer never quite leaving its face as it hit the ground with Levi sliding off its head and landing neatly in front of everyone.
His expression never once changed.
"Couldn't save any action for the rest of us?" Eren asked, unable to hide a slight scowl.
"There was only one. Why waste time?" Levi examined a fleck of dirt on his shirt with distaste. He strode away for the blankets still lying on the ground a few feet away, calling over his shoulder, "It's all yours, Zoe!"
Most of the others started to head back to bed too, Erwin instructing them to switch watch duty. But Mikasa stayed by Hange for a while longer, listening as she muttered out loud, probably more to herself than anyone else. Mikasa wasn't even sure if Hange was aware she was still there after awhile.
"So strange… why out on its own like this… And it didn't even cry out for back-up…"
Hange fell upon the spot Levi had cut at the neck, examining his clean and precise work.
"Nothing unusual about the fatality point either… But something was definitely off about this one, even for a deviant… What could cause this kind of behavior… Think Zoe, think, what was different…"
"Um… Ms. Hange? What do you mean?"
Hange looked up, blinking at Mikasa in confusion for a second before responding. "Don't you worry about it Ackerman, I'll figure it out eventually. Get some sleep, you've been up for too long."
Mikasa hesitated for a second longer, wanting to ask more, held by the Titan's grotesque face: still staring at her even in death. Eventually, she conceded and headed back for her blanket, past where Ymir and Bertholdt had taken up the new watch post, to try and put the horrible image out of her mind long enough to get some rest. But even when she finally felt herself drift off, lulled by the noises of the night that was peaceful once more, she could still feel that lifeless smile searing into her, taunting her even in the dark.
The next day remained relatively uneventful; no more Titan attacks after the one the previous night. However, this news did little to set Eren at ease. In fact, it did just the opposite.
The light of day should be attracting them by now, bringing them swarming with desire for human consumption. It had been a long four years, but he hadn't forgotten the way things had been before. This now… this silence… it wasn't right. It wasn't natural. He couldn't shake the feeling that something horrible was waiting around every bend; that the longer the silence stretched out, the louder the explosion would be once it was broken.
Somewhat to Hange's disappointment, they'd had to move on from their old camp. Levi finally managed to convince her that she'd done all the research on the dead Titan that she possibly could. They'd entered a forest area now, no longer with the advantage of being able to see the Titans coming from far away, but now with the advantage of tree cover. In the old days, the forests had been the ideal places to travel in Titan territory, because the tree cover offered extra protection and the perfect anchoring opportunity when using 3-D gear. But Eren was starting to wonder how many of the old rules still applied.
Yet at the same time, a small part of him that he usually tried to ignore welcomed the distraction. He felt like his old self again; out and on the hunt for Titans, worrying only about where they were, what they were going to do next, how he would kill as many of them as he could. After the events from the previous night it was really just better if he didn't think about anything else.
However, Eren's exhausting vigilance was not rewarded by the time the end of the third day rolled around. Save for that one Titan the first night, there were no more to be seen for miles and miles. He became so focused on the lack of Titans that for a while, he almost forgot where exactly where they were going, and what might wait at the end, until they stopped to camp out that night.
Eren broke off on his own without saying anything to anyone about it, knowing that if he did, Levi would make him take someone else with him. He tried to convince himself that he was going to scope out the terrain for the others, make sure there weren't any traps lying around, but the truth was for a moment, he just wanted to be alone.
He headed up a hill, hoping for a break in the trees that might give him an overhead glimpse of what lay ahead of them; maybe if he got high enough, he could even spot Shiganshina. They were getting so close to it now. But when he finally managed to find a break in the trees, any view he might have had was obstructed by overgrowth of trees and plants that had grown wild in the absence of humans for so long. He searched the horizon, trying to find more clear spots, but without much more luck until finally he spotted it: nestled up in the hills, just barely visible through the trees. The roof of a house.
They were getting so close.
The thought that that his old hometown might be less than a day's ride away caused Eren's heart to beat painfully. Of course, he knew he had to get back there. He had to find the answers that were in the basement. But he also remembered what had happened there last, everything that had pushed him to this point now, and if he was fully honest with himself, he wasn't sure if he was ready to face it again yet.
"Hey."
A soft voice behind Eren caused him to give a violent start and spin around.
"Annie! Don't do that."
"You shouldn't have gone off alone like this."
"I'm fine."
"The Captain wasn't happy."
"Who cares?"
He was trying not to look at her, but she kept inching forward, getting closer and closer to him. He hadn't exactly spoken to her much since their last "meeting"… but then again she hadn't been seeking him out either. He thought they'd sort of silently mutually agreed it was over. But there she was, standing before him again, much too close now.
"Oh well… I guess it's just us out here now…"
He could feel her hot breath against his lips.
"Annie…"
"It's been awhile, hasn't it?"
"Annie…"
"Don't you kind of miss it a little? Face it, once she finds out your secret, she's going to run like hell, and you know it. But I already know. And here I am, right in front of you."
Eren didn't ask which "she" Annie meant. He let her words sink in, their eyes locked together, and for a moment, he believed her.
But only for a moment.
"No."
Their lips had barely brushed, but Eren put his hands on Annie's shoulders and moved her back gently, walking around her and moving a safe few steps back.
"Not anymore, Annie." Eren let his arms drop from her shoulders. "I'm sorry."
Whatever he expected her to do, it wasn't what she did next. The creeping seductive glance fell away from her face completely, leaving only a cruel derisiveness. Her lip curled, her eyes hardened.
"You really are an idiot, Jaeger."
Eren felt like an ice cube had slipped down the back of his shirt. His hair stood on end.
"I'm sick of this," Annie continued. "We tried it the easy way, but maybe I've been going about everything incorrectly this whole time."
"Annie, what the hell are you talking about?"
He watched as Annie held up a small silver ring on her finger. She always wore it, but it had never been very noticeable now. Now, she clicked it, revealing a sharp blade, poised and ready for her to slice her own thumb open with.
"What the fuck…?"
But slowly, the truth was starting to dawn on Eren.
"It was you!"
Annie's smile was truly terrifying now.
"Took you long enough. Now don't fight, it'll make this a lot easier."
Then a lot of things happened within the same couple of seconds. Annie reached out to deal a blow to Eren's head that might have knocked him out, while simultaneously cutting her own thumb. But before her fist could connect with him, a rock flew out from the trees behind them, hitting Annie's arm out of the way, preventing it from making contact. Mikasa emerged not a second later.
"Eren! What's going on? What is she-"
"Mikasa get out of here!"
But it was too late. Lightning was erupting from the clouds, straight down with an earth-shattering crack to hit Annie. She grew taller and taller in the flash of light…
Mikasa let out a cry of horror as the unbelievable sight filled her eyes.
"Eren, what…?"
But Eren was staring at her, wishing every fiber of his being that it didn't have to be like this. It was his own fault though, and he knew it. He was about to lose her once and for all. There would be no going back.
"I'm sorry, Mikasa. I need you to get back, get as far away as you can!"
"What? Why-"
But Eren was staring at his hand, gathering his thoughts, making sure he didn't screw this up as he had so many times before. This time at least, he knew exactly what he was transforming for.
Protect everyone.
But most of all, her.
He bit his thumb, and everything went red.
Once again, a massive bolt of lightning racked the sky, but this time it went straight for Eren.
Mikasa felt like her insides had frozen as she watched Eren grow just as Annie had, taller and taller, until he rose well above the trees. When the dust cleared, the two faced off, monsters now, larger than life, the very creatures they'd vowed to fight for the sake of humanity. Mikasa opened her mouth, but no sound came out.
It was Eren who took the first swing, and Mikasa realized why he'd told her to get back. She was suddenly on the edge of a very large, very dangerous battlefield and in danger of getting crushed any second. But she couldn't bring herself to run away.
How?
How was this possible? What did it mean? Had he done this before, or was the change permanent? Would she ever get to see him again?
But Annie was taking a swing back at Eren to counter his, and Eren was falling backwards, and Mikasa realized that she had to move. Her legs finally found their life and she ran, just barely dodging Eren's falling form. However, he wasn't down for long despite the resounding crash that rocked the ground when he hit it. He got back up, parrying Annie's next blow, sending a well-aimed punch of his own that sent her falling back this time.
Now temporarily out of harm's way as their fight moved further from her, Mikasa found herself mesmerized as she watched them. For such giant beings, they moved with such grace. Eren's skills with hand-to-hand combat were always top-form, but now magnified tenfold it was obvious how much of a threat he was. Though, Annie seemed to evenly match him at every turn.
The longer Mikasa watched the Titans, the more obvious it became that they were definitely still Eren and Annie, but she couldn't tell how much of their consciousness they'd each transferred with them during the transformation. Was any shred of their humanity still left in them? If Mikasa went to look in Eren's eyes, literally blazing now, what would she see?
"Mikasa!"
The rest of the Corps was running through the trees, swords drawn and gear at the ready.
"What happened?" Levi asked, reaching her first.
"I… I don't know… Annie was just… and then she… and then Eren…"
"That's her, that's the female Titan!" Hange was crying out. "You're telling me it was Annie?"
"I saw her transform into that… thing, if that's what you mean," Mikasa confirmed.
"Should we help, Captain?" Jean was watching Eren and Annie's fight apprehensively. "We should capture her for questioning, not kill her."
"It's still too dangerous right now," Erwin stepped in, also surveying the fight. "Eren seems to have this under control."
But no sooner had he said this than the fight took a turn for the worse. Annie knocked Eren back particularly hard, causing him to let out a bone-rattling roar of rage as he lunged back at her for his revenge. But in his moment of anger, Annie swiped a foot out around Eren's lower leg, just as she'd done to Mikasa when they'd sparred back at headquarters so many days ago, causing him to trip and fall back, landing with the worst crash yet. This time, he didn't move.
"Eren."
Mikasa felt his name slip from her lips like a prayer.
"Eren… get up."
But he didn't.
Annie was bending over him now, sending another blow at his head that sent it cracking sickeningly backwards. His Titan form collapsed face forward onto the ground. Annie began to reach out for the area around the back of his neck.
"No!"
It took a moment for Mikasa to realize that savage yell had ripped from her own throat.
"Mikasa wait!"
But she ignored everyone's protests, rage propelling her forward at what felt like an unnatural speed. She drew her swords and sent the wires of her gear flying, anchoring straight onto Annie's body, and sending Mikasa flying straight at her. Annie was temporarily distracted from Eren as she realized what was going on. She reached out to grab Mikasa, causing her to have to change course mid-flight, which she did without even blinking an eye. She continued to dodge all of Annie's attempts to fight her off, her brain focused on only one thing: the neck. Get her neck.
And then she saw her chance.
Mikasa held her blade high, ready to bring it down for the final blow, ready to put an end to the fight, sure that her strike would hit true. But Annie was still one step ahead. She brought her hand to her neck, and before Mikasa's eyes, it turned to a hardened crystal substance. Mikasa tried to slice at that instead, but the crystal was unlike anything she'd had ever seen. Her blade didn't even leave a scratch.
Out of the corner of her eye, Mikasa saw Annie's other hand coming at her too late. The wind was knocked out of her as she was sent flying off of Annie's back through the air, scrambling to try and reach her gear in time to break the fall. But she was saved when someone else caught her by the arm instead. Armin, in his own gear, grabbed her from midair to set her safely on the ground.
"Mikasa, are you okay?"
"I…"
Mikasa turned back to face the battlefield wildly. The rest of the Corps had followed her into the fray and were now all doing their best to cut past Annie's crystal to no avail. Still, it was also apparent that they weren't going to let her get anywhere near Eren anymore. Recognizing defeat, Annie turned to race off, every footstep shaking the forest floor until her head was a pinprick moving through the trees in the distance.
"Eren."
As her head started to clear, the knowledge that his Titan form had been still for a very long time now started to set in as well. Her feet began to move as if on their own, guiding her back to him as fast as they could.
"Eren!"
As she approached, the dust around the fallen Titan body dispersed to reveal a hole at the weakness area at the back of its neck. She could see movement there, a form starting to shift amidst the tendrils and veins that had held the giant together. A back… shoulders… a head rising up, breaking free of the disgusting pink insides that had attached it there. He pulled away, his face falling back, catching the light, his eyes closed, looking almost as angelic as he had that day so long ago when she'd seen him sleeping.
Eren.
She couldn't let herself relax, couldn't let herself start to believe he was really okay yet as she ran up to him and caught him in her arms before he fell forward again. Even with his weight on her, solid and real, she didn't let herself let out the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding until she'd pressed an ear against his chest and heard it: his heartbeat.
For a few seconds, she froze like that, listening to the steady thump, thump, thump, letting it vibrate through her too, easing her fear with each beat. Then she looked back up at him again, still unconscious but his face so beautiful. Real. Alive. She felt the stone that had constricted her heart for so long finally shatter, leaving her with all of the emotions she'd been fighting to keep at bay for so long.
And then the tears came.
A/N: I am so incredibly sorry for how long it took me to post this chapter. I was in the process of moving to a new country and starting a new job. On the bright side, it's my longest chapter yet, so hopefully that makes up for it a little? I promise the wait for the next chapter will not be as long. I'm settling into my new life now~
Special note: In case anybody was wondering, the signal song that Erwin and Levi get the rest of the guards to sing is "So ist es immer" from the SnK OVA by genius composer Hiroyuki Sawano.
Warning: The romance kicks into high gear next chapter! So if that's what you're here for, get excited. If that's not what you're here for, then you're in the wrong place. x)
Thank you so much for reading! And thanks extra for reviewing!