Chapter 21: the Elf, the Wolf and the Other
Svenya/Maerwynn
The world was a blur of gray and tan as it rushed by me, tearing through birch trees, batting away the branches that tried to catch my clothes and limbs. My feet hurts, bitten by nettles, but I kept running, following the elusive shadow of the flying swan just above the trees, catching glimpses of it above the white limbs that reached imploringly to the graceful shape as it glided forward, unimpeded. One sharp branch caught my mask, but without slowing down I gripped the mask to my face and drove forward.
Just as I thought that I was starting to catch up to the great bird, I tripped over a downed tree. My outstretched hands to break my fall landed in more nettles. Trying to get myself back on my swollen and nearly numb feet, I staggered and looked into the air once more to find no sign of the swan. All was silent and I gasped trying to catch my breath and move toward the direction I had last seen it flying in.
I broke through the line of trees into another clearing and stopped abruptly, seeing a figure standing there, almost as if she were waiting for me. I drew myself up and mentally willed myself to not tremble. There was no way of knowing what this being was or if it portended good or ill.
"You chase the swan." The woman observed this in a bemused tone, her lovely face smiling gently.
"Yes," I answered warily, trying to maintain as much distance between us as possible and still move past her in the direction I desired to continue in.
The woman nodded, "She returns to her island at the border of the Fade. You should be wary and not stray too far out of your way. You will not wish to trespass into the beyond. It is forbidden."
"I am aware," I replied, "but I think she knows of my mother's spirit that has travelled from her body in her dreams. I need to return her to where she belongs."
"Quite commendable," the woman allowed, "but be careful just the same. I am travelling in that direction myself and would be happy to accompany you so that you do not become lost."
I shook my head, "That is unnecessary!" I insisted, knowing it was dangerous to trust anything that was offered here. As benign as she appeared, she could be anyone, anything. Who knew what lay beneath that veneer of calm and generosity?
"Wise girl," she approved, "you were taught well and I can tell that we would have been good friends if the world had moved differently. I will offer you no gifts or favors, I ask nothing in return, I desire nothing from you, I swear by the Maker's mercy."
These words were distinctly disarming. I found myself looking her over most carefully upon her swearing that vow. She appeared to be an elf with auburn hair that was braided and the braid crowned her head neatly. She wore simple breeches and a tunic and carried a bow against her back. She continued to smile slightly as I scrutinized her and waited.
"Are you a spirit?" I finally asked.
She shook her head, "Spirit I am not, I am only a traveller. I received dispensation to travel here but now I must return. It has been an arduous trip."
"Then why help me and delay your return," I questioned, still unsure.
"I can see you clearly," she explained, "though you think you are hiding it behind a mask. There are many possibilities before you, many roads ahead of you. These roads will not only shape your Fate, but the Fates of others, of people you have come to care for."
Thoughts of Rian and Sellose swirled at the edge of my thoughts and she suddenly nodded as if she could see them as well and looked slightly sad, "You are not as guarded as you once were. Things are changing. Be wary, though, those that you care for also have choices to make, choices that you cannot change. All that is certain is that things will move forward."
"Who are you?" I gasped, placing a hand on my mask to reassure myself that it was still there, though I might as well have been stark naked since she seemed able to see everything that held meaning for me. I did not want my fortune told; I just wanted to fulfill my purpose and retreat from this place. This woman frightened me though she was no bigger than I and she seemed to be unthreatening. She knew something and I was not sure that I wanted this knowledge.
"I am someone whose time is over and who watches from a distance what once I was embroiled in, the chaos where you now tread." The words were spoken as if they should make perfect sense, but they jumbled in my ears, teasing something at the edge of my consciousness but not completely coming clear, as if I could see the outline behind a curtain but could discern none of the features.
She shook her head again and gestured to a place beyond us, "It matters not. Go in that direction. The lady flies to her retreat and your mother is her guest, but you will have to withstand the trials between. I am sorry I cannot be of more help to you. Fare thee well, Mae." She then walked purposely to her left, into the forest of birches and disappeared from view, as if melting into the misty shadows.
Refusing to dwell on her a moment longer, I charged forward again into the trees opposite where she had disappeared and pushed back branches. The nettles had made me lame and I could not run as quickly as I had before, the pricks on my fingers ached as well. My arms felt like lead, but I pushed onward.
I reached the edge of the woods and found a vast beach. A large wolf, the size of a horse, lay upon the ground as if resting, but upon my approach it got to its feet and lowered its head. Inwardly I wished I had Rian's sword again with its comforting weight upon my back. Aside from its size, the wolf seemed to be watching me with a gleam of intelligence in its eyes.
I edged to my right and tried to gauge how far the water was beyond the beast when I suddenly heard a voice emanating from its body, "I am not a mindless beast, my girl. It is rude not to at least address me before taking your leave of me."
"I will not converse with demons." I insisted nervously.
"I am not a demon," the voice reassured with a soft chuckle, "I am an old entity that has been drawn to this place in search of something. What brings you here?"
"That is none of your concern," I whispered, tensing my legs to bolt.
The wolf seemed to make a sound that was a cross between a "woof" and a sigh. It sat back on its haunches and cocked its head to one side, the eyes glowed green in a gray face, "Pity."
"Excuse me?" this was not what I had anticipated. I was prepared for an uneventful travel. I was no mage and therefore beneath the interest of most Fade spirits. Since I had crossed over I had come across two different entities, both claiming to not be demons. While the woman seemed innocent enough, this one was not some random spirit. Something about it felt old, very old. At the same time I could sense nothing negative in its manner: no rage, no anger, no desire, and no lust. What I sensed was…curiosity?
"I baffle you then," he barked with laughter, greatly amused, "that pleases me for you baffle me as well. I have seen none like you in a very long time, my girl."
"I am not your girl," I spat back, feeling slightly irked at its familiarity. There is only one who I would have allowed to address me as such but….
The wolf got up on all fours again and seemed to bow slightly, "I apologize, and I intended no offense. I would normally offer a gift to show my goodwill, but I can already tell that you will not accept such things. It will be safer for you to avoid exceptions to such a standard rule of safety here. You travel to the island of the Black Swan. There is something else that lies in wait for you on the path to reach your destination. I have felt it, though I am unsure of what it is. It is a perversion of a spirit here. Not a demon, but just as harmful. It is an amalgam of both the Fade and your world. It is an unfortunate collision of the two. Tread carefully."
"Who are you?" I asked before I thought better of the question.
"I have had many names and those that knew me best were trapped between two places. I am not benign, but I mean you no harm. You have reminded me of a better time and for that I thank you. Now go before I forget my current good will." The wolf seemed to smile with that, showing a mouth full of white gleaming teeth and I immediately began walking again, every hair on the nape of my neck standing at attention. As I quickly put distance between the two of us, I could still feel its enigmatic eyes on me with interest and dared not give it a second glance.
I walked, my feet sore on what felt like a pebbled beach, but there was no edge of water in sight. It might have been a desert, except the air felt moist with rising mist that would occasionally swirl by in heavy patches. My body continued to feel heavy, but I dared not stop for I feared I would be unable to get up again. To perk up my flagging spirits, I tried to recall Rian's smile and the sound of Sellose's laughter. I even tried to conjure up in my mind the image of Ser Lion's imposing frown, his disapproving eyes as he glowered at me over crossed arms. If he were here he would not allow such indolence. He would be growling at me to keep walking and not lag back. Even I growled at myself, imitating his tone, "Trudge, woman, trudge! Your knights are not here to carry you. You must carry yourself."
"But they are here!" came a voice out of nowhere.
I jumped, startled from my reverie and spun around trying to see what had spoken. The mist was empty and I was alone.
"Hello?"
Nothing answered; there wasn't even the hint of breath. I shivered slightly. A disembodied voice frightened me more than the hulking wolf I had left somewhere behind me. The mist was even more oppressive then and I was frightened that I was walking in circles instead of moving forward. It all looked the same. It all felt the same. It was a large canvas of mist and I was in the midst of it.
"What if I were to take them?" the voice suddenly came again, "Give them to me. What are they to you? You barely know them. Give me the burden you carry. It is such a heavy thing."
"No," I stated firmly, still scanning the mist for a figure or source of the voice.
The voice laughed, "It would be easy if you just surrendered. Even if you do not give them to me, I will have them. I can take what I want."
I closed my eyes and took a breath, concentrating on the sound of the voice. It did not sound like a single voice, but a shifting mishmash of tones, like a whole group of people took turns, each person saying a different word in each phrase and then stringing them together, like something rehearsed. The words flowed like water, flowing from somewhere.
"You can't have them. I won't let you take them." I spat back.
"Silly girl," the patchwork phrasing chided, "I already have a hold on them. One quick tug and they will be gone. If I pull there…."
As if signaled by the words, I could feel Sellose's face fade slightly in my mind, and I panicked with the influence I could feel a tugging at his image, at my thoughts of him. Mentally I threw myself at my concept of him and embraced it, wrapping myself around it. I immersed myself into everything I could recall of him: the glint of his eyes, his laughter, the way he shrieked that one time he awoke us in the camp, the shy, uncertain way he held my hands when I coaxed him to dance with me in the darkness across the pine needles. I gritted my teeth and snarled, "Let go!"
The voice laughed mockingly again, "Fine, what about the Red Knight? What about Ser Lion? I can settle for one of them."
"No!" I bellowed, clutching my thoughts of them to me like a blanket.
"Little fool, you cannot stop me," the phrases became sing-song in their tone and pitch. It was toying with me.
"Nothing can be taken that you do not surrender," another voice rose up within my own ears. I could have sworn that it was Sellose's voice. I could almost see him standing before me and saying those words, but I could not recall when those words had been spoken. All I knew for certain was that they were his. He had spoken them to me and he meant it.
I took a steadying breath and stated, beating back the panic, "You cannot have what they have given me. You cannot take what I do not hand you. They are anchored here. Go ahead and pull all you want. They will not budge and I will not be manipulated by you."
There was an audible hiss and I suddenly felt something jerk within my mind, but the images of my knights did not waver. They remained set and settled. In fact, I think the image of Sellose crossed his arms and sat down, as if daring the entity to move him against his inclination. I could swear that I could see him grinning at me with that, "See, I told you so," gleam in his eyes.
All of a sudden I was knocked backwards, as if something rammed into me and struck me in the gut. I gasped for air, winded by the blow and my eyes went wide as I looked up at my assailant. Staring down at me was a face I had not seen in many years. It was a face I had been quite familiar with since I had seen it many times in my memory.
I gazed into the face of a younger me, sans scars. The visage snarled down at me, trying to claw at my face and neck as I fended it off, gripping its wrists. The thing screeched, "Mine, mine, mine…" I just managed to push her off and roll away, scrambling back to my feet, but when I looked for the entity again, it had disappeared.
One sleeve of the dress had been ripped away in the attack and there was another gash at the neckline causing the dress to gap slightly in front. I tentatively touched my mask again, trying to discern if I was still me in the midst of all the confusion. The mask was the one thing I felt sure of in all of this.
"I hate you," something howled to my right. I heard something tread heavily, as if circling me, stalking me. I could still see nothing. "You have what I want. It has been teasing me from a distance, but no more!"
I could not withstand another attack, but I had no means to defend myself. Rifling through my memory I tried to recall what Bruna had said about being attacked in the Fade. There were so many stories swimming in my head, so many thoughts roiling as I tried to grasp at something that would help. It was like a floundering in my mind as something struck me squarely in the shoulder, once again knocking me to the ground as my side blossomed with exploding pain. At the same time, the sudden jolt caused something to surge forth in my memory and words came to my lips,
"Sharp tongue, quick voice,
Come to my fingers now,
Guard my life, guard my soul,
Come fulfill your vow
You made to my people
So very long ago
And taught us your song
As only the mountain can know.
Come blade of the dreamer,
Come the visionary dart,
Be my protector now
As I travel this world apart."
As if coming to my call I found a pair of blades in my hands. They were not the long sword that I had become accustomed to wielding over the past month, but they bestowed a sense of rightness as they rested in my fingers. I got to my feet again and looked about me, listening carefully. My ear caught the rasp of labored breathing.
"You think your little song will save you," the patchwork voice snarled, too angry to maintain itself. All the voices were erratic, talking at different pitches and tones. "You cannot stand against me. I am equal parts of your world and this world."
"But you are of neither…" I stated hollowly, a moment of realization dawning, "that is why you hate me. I can walk in both worlds and still have a place. You have nothing. You are alone."
There was a shriek as something charged out of the mist at me again, but I moved too quickly, with a slash and a rolling dodge I moved out of the way as the entity screeched by. It stopped suddenly and turned around in a perfect circle that resembled nothing I had ever seen before. Though it tried to mimic me in its form, there were muscles somewhere under the limbs that moved in strange symmetry. My former visage narrowed its eyes at me and its mouth twisted in a strange grimace before the face wavered slightly with a blue light. The form glowed from a dim light within, and its hand reached down to a gash on what should have been its ribs. Seeping through its fingers, instead of blood, was a glowing blue liquid.
"I hate you." It hissed again before crouching to leap at me, but something barreled out from its left, a dark shadow pounced on it, pinning it to the ground. A set of glowing green eyes glanced up at me out of a gray face as one paw held the struggling entity to the ground.
"That was entertaining, my girl," the wolf stated, "but I am becoming bored with this one sided display. You have better things to do, I am sure."
My mouth went dry and I started to back away as the great wolf turned its attention back to the trapped form on the ground, "and I think I would like to have a discussion with you."
I turned on my heel, feeling the blades evaporate from my fingers now that they were no longer needed. I began to walk briskly. This was the second time I had walked away from the wolf and somewhere in the cold pit of my stomach I sensed that the wolf would not allow me to walk away a third time.
The mist began to thin away as I made out the sound of rushing water. Squinting my eyes, I continued to move forward, trying to make out what lay ahead. I found myself at the edge of a river or a lake of sorts, but the water was anything but calm. Choppy waves lapped at the shore, though there was no wind and the sky was calm. I gazed out and made out the outline of an island and figure was seated on the edge of it, her feet dangling in the water, with a head of dark black hair bent over to look down into the water. I knew instantly who it was.
I screamed at my mother, calling her by her name to get her attention, and waved my arms frantically. As if dazed, she slowly looked up and peered at me absently before raising a single hand in greeting. She said nothing, she seemed confused, startled. There was no indication that she knew who I was or why I was there.
Unable to contain myself, I threw myself in the water and began to reach my arms into sure strokes in order to reach her. My feet and hands were stinging since they had not completely recovered from the abuse sustained from the nettles. Within moments my muscles started to ache and cramp, but I kept driving myself forward. My mother was within reach on the opposite shore and I was determined to get to her. Gasping to keep my head above water with every pulling stroke, my mouth filled with water a number of times, but it did not taste of the usual brackishness of pond water, but had an aftertaste of black licorice. It made me gag slightly with the unexpectedness of the flavor.
Every time I looked up it felt like I had come no closer, but still I struggled forward through the water. The waves became choppier, slapping my face. At one point I realized that my mask had come loose and had been swept away, but I didn't care. All I wanted was my mother. It was that latent longing of childhood for the arms of someone to hold you and in that instant a hand grasped me by the risk and pulled me out of the water. Gentle hands stroked my hair and I allowed myself to be held, breathing deeply the distinct scent of mountain laurel and white soap that I had almost forgotten in the intervening years.
Drawing back I looked into my mother's face and in that same moment realization dawned on it as she breathed my name, "Mae?"
"Mother," I felt the tears well up and I gripped her to me, leaning my face into her shoulder. She still knew me.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, pulling me back, disbelief etched across her features.
I sat up a little and explained, "You have been gone for a long time. We have been worried about you, Murchad and me. I came to fetch you and bring you back."
"How did you manage to get here?" she questioned, "I had been expecting Bruna, or even…" she did not finish what she had begun to say, as if she thought better of it.
"It has not been an easy trip," I explained, "I have had to overcome some obstacles. Bruna taught me how to do this a long time ago, but I had never tried it myself. I could not leave you here, though."
"Why?" she asked, stunned.
"Mother, I am so sorry," I began, "The last night I saw you I said such horrible things. I should never have left you here. I should have brought you and Murchad with me as well. I was so angry, I was not thinking. Please forgive me, Mother."
She kissed me on the forehead and held me close, "There is nothing to forgive, Mae. You were everything that I wanted you to be and more. You did what I could not. How could I be angry with you?"
"Come," I smiled, "we are going back now. You are going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright. I know how to get you back now."
She paused and looked at me mournfully, "You should not have come here, Mae."
This was not what I had been expecting, "What?"
"What would you be bringing me back for?" she asked, "I would be returning to your father. At least here I have some peace."
"Mother, your body will die!" I explained, as if speaking to a child who did not grasp the graveness of the situation.
"I know," she agreed, "but is that such a bad thing? To pass away in this place means that I merely go across the final border. I would be reunited with the Maker, with my family."
"I am your family too!" I exploded, "Murchad is your family! Do we not count anymore?"
She placed a tend hand on my cheek, "That is not what I am saying. If I return now, then I return to unremitting bondage. You have been able to escape it, but I cannot. I have been mired in the prison too long."
"So that is all, you just give up?" I demanded, "You could never stand up to father. Now you get to hide here until you die. Why did I even come here? Why did I risk everything for this?" I pulled away from her and got to my feet, beginning to pace the turf by the water.
"Be at peace, Mae." My mother pleaded with an imploring in her green eyes as she looked up at me.
The bombast issued forth from my lips, "I have lost everything. I travelled for weeks to get here. I broke Uncle Trian's heart because I had to come and completely disobeyed his wishes. My friend Rian came with me, risking his commander's wrath, so that he could ensure my safety. Now you sit there and tell me that I should not have bothered?"
"I am not as strong as you are, Mae," the soft murmur came.
I sank to my knees before her, "Then I will be strong enough for the both of us."
Her brow furrowed and I continued, "You and Murchad can come with me. I have friends that can help us. We can start over in Denerim. Once we get out of the Cauldron it will be harder for father to track us."
"Mae, he would find us." She said this, but seemed unsure.
"He did not find me when I left. If I did it once I know we could do it. You would not have to do this alone. We can be a family. We can be like the stories. We can have a happy ending." I insisted, grabbing her hand and holding it in both of mine.
"There are no happy endings, Mae," Mother countered dejectedly.
"We will have a happy ending if we make one!" the conviction of the words seemed to move her slightly, I could see it in her eyes; "I promise that we will live free from Father."
In that moment I felt a distinct tremor, as if something shifted with that vow and the startled look on my Mother's face communicated that she felt it too. One did not dare make idle promises in the Fade. There were things there that had the power to hold you to them.
I helped Mother to her feet, though we were both a little shaky, and we turned to the water. We had to swim back to the opposite shore and make our way back inland if we wanted to return from the Fade. Though I had been exhausted moments before, I suddenly felt renewed and lowered myself eagerly back into the water. My mother followed me gingerly, cautiously treading a moment before we set off.
At one moment, when we were halfway to the other side I glanced back and saw on the island shore the figure of a woman in a black cloak. She seemed to realize that I had seen her and made a gesture of farewell and benediction. In another instant the figure was replaced with a swan taking wing into the air and flying back into a dense mist on the far side of the island.
The journey back was not as eventful as the journey to the island had been. A sense of calm pervaded my being and I felt no fear. The only vague concern I had was of meeting the wolf again, but he made no appearances. Though my feet and hands ached, I felt lighter in a way.
The world became hazy around me and I suddenly felt as though I were rising to the surface of the water, as if I had been swimming the whole time and I had to come up for air. I could suddenly smell smokiness of the fire in the grate and I could feel the press of the mattress and coverlets against my back. The comforting warmth of the graven swan still rested against my palm. As my eyes fluttered open I heard the sudden gasp of Rian's voice as he said, "Svenya."
Then I heard laughter, harsh, grating, and I turned my head to see Rian being forcibly held back by two large, armed men. I caught the figure of Murchad struggling against the grip of another man at the other side of the room. My own mother gasped and moaned slightly as she regained consciousness, seeing the unwelcome sight that had met my own eyes.
I finally focused on the figure towering at the foot of the bed, casting a shadow over the two of us. The man grinned at me with a mouth full of barred teeth and coal black hair. He had broad shoulders and a hooked nose like Father. The eyes were also like Father's, complete with the cruel, yellow gleam. The man finally greeted me with a menacing tone that belied the words on his tongue, "Welcome home, little sister."
I shivered as recognition washed over me. "Fendril," I breathed.