Disclaimer - All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, and the creators of TDI. No profit is being made in the making of the fanfiction. This alternate-universe episode of TDI contains stunts performed by written teens. Please don't try any of this at home. Anyone trying to steal my characters will be used by Mandy as sacrifices to Cthulhu, buahaha.
The Kobold Necromancer's Notes - So the hybrid wins the vote for the most desired vehicle. My brother would appreciate you all.
I'm glad you all loved the incompetent police officers. It's been asked numerous times if they're based off someone. Truthfully, some of the jokes were "lifted" from MST3K; their names are also puns. The pun behind Officer Christmas will be revealed soon, and Officer Realbox is a word pun if pronounced in a certain way. ("Off-a-cereal-box.")
And also, I know it took a long time, but you all ask way too much when the next chapter is up. Sorry, but I don't have a set time for chapters these days.
And also also, there is a new poll!
Chapter 9 - Laughing Octopus-Izzy
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(Janitor's Closet - To clean up after breakfast.)
Chris Maclean - "We thought you all may want to look into the lives of the contestants, see how they're getting along. Or, hopefully for the sake of ratings and awesomeness, how they're not getting along!"
(Room 1 - Alfred, Anita, Arthur, Belinda)
The four weren't in their room, but in one of the massive bathrooms. They had it all to themselves currently, and were preparing for the new day.
Anita was busy brushing her teeth. Arthur was gargling mouthwash. Belinda was brushing her hair. Alfred was doing some form of morning exercise that looked more like an epileptic fit.
"Another challenge today, hoorah," the hyper teenager cheered. "This one is gonna be awesome, I can tell."
"Wish I had your gusto," Arthur grumbled. "Last challenge, I sat in the back of a semi and was crushed by Owen."
"Least you didn't make any enemies," Anita said, smiling at him.
"No, but I still got the taste in my mouth," he said as he worked on his fourth mouthful of mouthwash. When he sat it out, he added, "Damn it, doesn't that guy know how noxious his own fumes are?"
"I think even if he did," Belinda said as she continued to brush her hair, "he wouldn't be in a position to change."
"Is this another prediction of yours, Belinda?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow.
"No, but I can give you a few, should you want."
"Ooo, that sounds exciting," Anita said, grinning anxiously. "What are they, hon?"
"I predict that half of us will be on one team, the other two on the other," Belinda said as she put down the brush and picked up a comb. "I also predict that today, Chris will bring back an old rivalry."
Arthur blinked at this, looking more interested now. "Gwen and Heather?"
"Courtney and Harold?" Anita asked.
Alfred, who was studying some notes he had written down, looked up and asked, "Lindsay and DJ? If I'm thinking of the right two?"
"No, something else," Belinda said as she combed her hair. "Also, I think it's time for someone to unleash a lot of potential."
"Really, who?" Alfred asked. "Ooo, me, maybe?"
"If you want, but I'm thinking of someone else."
(Janitor's Closet - Me, maybe?)
Arthur - "So how exactly does she do that, I wonder? Be nice to have someone like that for when you want to win the lottery. Plus, she's cute; wonder why she wears a sweater jacket, it'd be much nicer if she wore something with a low neckline, like Jean Gray."
\He grins, then blinks.\ "N-Not that I read the X-Men. Not that I know which one is the psychic... I'm not into that kind of nerdy stuff."
(Room 2 - Beth, Bridgette, Carol, Clive)
"Wake up, it's a bright new shiny day!"
"The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the crowd is cheering!"
"We're gonna have fun! Loads of fun!"
The three girls had linked arms and started dancing, while Clive grabbed his pillow and covered his head with it.
"Just kill me," he groaned. "I'd rather do that than face three morning people. Or just morning."
"Morning depresses you?" Beth asked.
"It's a sign of a whole 'nother day just waiting to bring bad news and let you down."
(Janitor's Closet - Depressing, maybe?)
Beth - "He should really be a bit more happy. Mornings are when the sun come out, and shine love and beauty over everything! Mornings don't have a mean bone in their body!"
(Room 3 - Cody, Colin, Courtney, Crystal)
"Well, this isn't a bad morning," Crystal said as she rearranged her cravat. "I managed to get some real decent sleep for once, eh wot?"
"Yes, um, what eh? Eh... yes," Cody tried to reply, and nervously looked away.
"Today could be a big day for you, young chap," she continued, grinning at him. "If you are on the same team as Eva or Anita, be sure to be a gentleman!"
"Just don't let them distract you from the challenge," Courtney instructed him. "If you blow the challenge when I'm on your team, I won't forgive you."
Cody swallowed and nodded. Desperate to change the conversation, he asked, "So um, where is Colin?"
"Locked in another closet."
"Who did that?"
Courtney's smug smirk and a flip of her hair as she left the room spoke volumes to Cody and Crystal.
(Janitor's Closet - She did it, maybe?)
Cody - "Wow. She suddenly became extremely dangerous." \He grins.\ "That's hot."
(Room 4 - Daisy, DJ, Eva)
DJ awoke under a mass of feathers and torn fabric. The pillow fight that Daisy and Eva had left the room looking as if several, very feathery birds had exploded there last night. DJ coughed, a few feathers fluttering from his mouth.
He surveyed the carnage, estimating how long it would take them to clean this up. Eva and Daisy were asleep in their beds, worn out but with smiles on their snoozing faces. The two had fought a good fight, and were now sleeping off the adrenaline surges.
"Those poor birds," DJ found himself saying aloud as he twirled a feather in his hand.
(Janitor's Closet - Fowl play, maybe?)
DJ - "I sometimes wonder what causes girls like those two be so aggressive. Or anyone to be aggressive. Why can't we all just be non-aggressive, it would make the world a far more nicer place to live in!"
Duncan - \wearing a bus driver's hat\ "They seem to be getting along just fine without me. I wonder when Eva will get off the pot and go after Cody."
Chris Maclean - \knocking on the door\ "Duncan? Are you in there? We voted you off, you escape artist you!"
Duncan - "Uh-oh, been caught! Gotta run!"
(Room 5 - Ezekiel, Geoff, Gwen, Hannah)
Gwen woke up and licked her hand, using it to smooth out the stray hairs. With a snort and a smack of her lips, she stood up and stretched.
"Well, time to go make an utter fool of myself," she uttered as she scratched her stomach. "Why did I ever sign up for this show?"
"It's not so bad, eh," Ezekiel, from across the room, said with a smile. "You got a boyfriend 'oot of it, didn't you?"
Gwen raised an eyebrow. "And the most venomous rival I've ever encountered in my life. Oh yeah, you're dating her."
Grabbing her gothic clothes, she left the room and slammed the room rather harshly. Geoff, who had been lying down but not asleep, sat up after the door slam. "Whoa," he commented, "harshness."
"Gwen just needs a little time, is all," Hannah said as she put on her necklace. "To err is human, to forgive is divine."
"That's deep, dudette," Geoff mused. "Who said that?"
"I did, just now."
Hannah and Ezekiel shared a laugh, while Geoff scratched his head. "No seriously," he asked, "who said that?"
(Janitor's Closet - Fowl play, maybe?)
Gwen - \smoothes out her hair again with a lick of spit\ "What can I say? I'm not a morning person."
Geoff - "Gwen needs to chill a little. Maybe I should do some sprucing up of the room, make it more like a party!"
(Room 6 - Harold, Heather, Howard, Izzy)
"I think I'm going to call you Angel Drawers," Izzy said to Heather. "It would make it easier to see you in a positive light."
"Don't call me that!"
"Pussycat?"
"No!"
"Heather Feather?"
"Hell no!"
Heather, carrying her expensive clothing in her arms, stormed out of the room and slammed the door. Izzy blinked, then looked at the two boys. "Was it something I said?"
"I dunno, Baby Cakes," Howard said with a grin.
"Don't call me Baby Cakes," the redhead exclaimed, grabbing some random clothes and walking out of the room with her nose turned up.
"I thought she would be okay with that," Howard said to Harold.
"Beats me, Tiger."
"Don't call me Tiger," Howard shouted, storming out of the room as well.
Harold adjusted his glasses, and smirked to himself. "Can dish it out, but cannot take it, huh?"
(Janitor's Closet - Sugar Booger, maybe?)
Harold - "As someone who has mastered the art of romantic talk, I can tell what types of girls like to be told what. Leshawna loves to hear how big her booty looks in dresses, Gwen would love it if you said she looked like ivory, and Izzy would probably appreciate you saying she was especially eccentric today."
(Room 7 - Jasmine, Joel, Justin, Katie)
"Guys, we really need to discuss the photos," Joel said to his roommates. "They are not only all over the place, but they are multiplying."
"What do you mean?" Katie asked.
"You used to only have Sadie up there, Katie. Now you have Noah all over the place."
"That's distressing me too," Justin says. "I can see his judgmental eyes following me."
"He does have a stern look," Jasmine said. "Noah would make a big villain, a diabolical one too. He certainly has that Igor look."
Joel mentally debated if Jasmine actually meant Shakespeare's villain, or Dr. Frankenstein's assistant. Katie chuckled good-naturedly and waved her hand. "Oh, you two are so silly," she cooed. "I just don't want Noah to get jealous, but it's so hard to get good photos of him, because he hates the camera."
"That explains why he's frowning in most of them," Justin said, poking one of the photos. "He should smile more, considering how close you're clinging to him."
Jasmine chuckled. "Yeah, and in some of these, he's got Sadie hugging him too. Noah sandwich, eh?"
Justin laughed, then flipped his hair. "I think he should smile more, like this, see?" he said as he beamed. Katie and Jasmine swooned, the actress falling to the floor.
(Janitor's Closet - Smile, maybe?)
Katie - "Noah hates the camera, so I didn't have many photos of him when I started off. So now I have a ton more, and ones with Sadie too! Though Justin is right, he should smile more often."
Justin - "My photo collection grows every episode. My agent makes sure to get more from every episode, so I'm aiming for quite a lot. I also got some of Beth, she looks darling on the walls."
Jasmine - "The publicity on this show rocks! I mean, I'm on TV and am showing off my talents! Even if I lose this show, I'll go really far now; those fifty audition tapes were worth it!"
(Room 8 - Leshawna, Lindsay, Mandy, Noah)
"What did I say about painting, white girl?"
"It's only a little!"
"Eww, is that blood?"
"It's blood-red, if you will. It's hard to find real blood, blonde; you go into any store and ask for blood, they think you're a real weirdo!"
Leshawna stood there, her hands on her hips. "Don't change the subject, you voodoo girl!"
"I don't do that," Mandy shouted. "But Hue does."
"Hue what?" Lindsay asked.
"Voodoo."
"Who do?"
"Hue do voodoo!"
"Will you not do that?" Leshawna shouted.
"But who's Hue?" Lindsay asked.
"Hue from school back hoo'm."
"What's Hue got to do with voodoo."
"Voodoo, you boob!"
Noah walked into the room during this conversation. He listened to a couple more sentences, then walked out.
(Janitor's Closet - Voodoo, maybe?)
Leshawna - "That girl ain't right in the head. She paints on the walls, she keeps rats, she keeps her hair in a strange way; it's like she's a homeless person who rants about nonsense."
(Room 9 - Owen, Rodney, Sadie, Sakaki)
"Are you going to eat that?" Owen asked Rodney.
"But Owen, this is my toothpaste," the prodigy child pointed out.
"I'm not picky!"
With those words, he took the tube of toothpaste from Rodney and downed half of it. He walked of the room with foam dripping from his mouth, saying, "Hmmm, minty!"
Rodney made a face while Sadie shook her head. "I suppose he'll want to slurp down your floss too," she remarked.
"You have floss?" Sakaki asked, looking at Rodney.
"Yeah, but it's cinnamon-flavored. I wonder if that'll be okay for Owen."
"I think he's into spicy stuff," Sadie said.
"I think he's into everything edible," Sakaki remarked, giggling.
The three shared a laugh, then Sakaki realized she talking to other people. She blushed bright red, and ran from the room. Sadie and Rodney noticed this, and the young boy gasped.
"She's still in her pajamas," he shouted, then grabbed the change of clothes that Sakaki had prepared. "Wait, Sakaki, you forgot your clothes!"
(Janitor's Closet - Morning fuss, maybe?)
Sadie - "Rodney's wonderful. If I had done that, I know my siblings would have locked the door to prevent me from coming in. That's why Katie and I usually stay at her house, because she doesn't have any siblings around."
Sakaki - \normally dressed now\ "I... I really... I really don't do well when with other people. Though... today was the first day I actually did joke around with other people. But still... I just don't know."
(Room 10 - Sebastian, Trent, Tyler)
Tyler yawned and stepped out of his bed. His foot landed in something squishy, but he paid it no mind. He waded through ankle-high, discarded clothing, and headed for his dresser. "Morning, dudes," he said, throwing clothing on the ground, a few Hawaiian shirts on the floor.
"Morning, comrades," Sebastian said as he got out of bed, kicking a pizza box out of the way. "Might want to hurry up and get dressed, get to the cafeteria before Chef makes it there."
"Right, just one thing," Trent started to ask, rubbing his sleepy eyes. "Which wall has the door?'
"I can't remember," Tyler said, looking around the room. "Stuff is stacked so high. How'd it get so high?"
"I'm living in it, remember?" Sebastian reminded him, then his toe stubbed on something and hissed in pain. "Ack! Oh, Trent? I found your second trophy."
"Oh good, I was looking for that."
(Janitor's Closet - Clean your room, maybe?)
Trent - "Ever since Sandra moved out of the room, the place has been steadily getting worse. And yet, I seem to be perfectly okay with that. I guess since I'd love to work in a garage, fixing motorcycles in my spare time, I am okay with a mess."
Tyler - \looking down at his feet\ "Man, that stuff I stepped in isn't coming off my feet that well. I wonder what the hell it was?"
(Room 11 - Valerie, Xander, Yoshi, Zachary)
"I am not going to tell you again, white boy! Don't leave your whetting stone next to my stuff!"
"And I'm going to tell you for the last time! Do not call me 'white boy', you hear?"
Zachary was wearing shorts and an undershirt, but he almost naked with how flimsy it was. Yoshi was just wearing boxers, ones that were polka-dotted with swords. This is only being mentioned because the argument looked rather ridiculous, despite them being so furious.
Xander, who was also only in his boxers, stepped in-between the two. He put his hands on their shoulders and pushed them apart. "Look dudes, I've been woken up the past couple days with your bickering. Can you let up?"
"Not until he stops putting his whetting stone near my bed!"
"It seems fitting, since you probably wet the bed!"
"That tears it, white boy!"
The warrior and the whiner swung at each other, but with Xander was holding them back. Limbs smacked against their chests as Yoshi and Zachary tried to strike each other. The rebel was enduring their flailing hands.
This continued for a few seconds until they heard a pained whimper. The three half-naked boys looked up at the source, which was Valerie. The political girl, wearing a bright pink nightie, was watching the three boys struggle. She had her hands over her nose, and blood leaked out in-between her finger, dripping down from her nostrils.
(Janitor's Closet - Nosebleed, maybe?)
Valerie - \dabbing her nose with a bloodstained kleenex\ "Thank you, God, for putting me in that room."
Zachary - "I really want to smack Yoshi one hard. I could probably knock him out too! But the problem is that he carries that sword around; plus, Valerie spills enough blood on her own part. Maybe she should get the bottom bunk, if being on the top gives her a nosebleed."
(In the arena of the Maclean Stadium)
"Welcome everyone," Chris shouted towards the large audience, "to Total! Drama! Battlegrounds!"
As the people inside the stadium cheered, the host looked over at Belinda and grinned triumphantly. She merely shrugged and looked away, at something (actually, someone) more interesting.
"It has come to my attention," Chris Maclean said to the forty-two contestants, while the full audience of the stadium watched, "that you all have been making your own meals, not allowing Chef to cook."
"He doesn't cook," Eva shouted, "he ruins!"
"He burns," Sebastian remarked.
"He blows," Carol cackled.
"That doesn't fit the theme," Izzy whispered to her friend. "You need to play the word-association game better."
"We need you all to be eating disgusting food," Chris continued. "It fits the theme of the show."
"What theme is that?" Gwen asked, scowling at the host. "We're in a stadium. If you want to keep up with that, you need to feed us hot dogs, pizza, soda, and beer every day."
"I think the beer part we can do without," Courtney said, earning an angry glance from Gwen.
Chris tapped his chin, then sighed. "Well, no matter. Guess you're out of a job, Chef Baby."
"Don't call me Chef Baby," Hatchet shouted, then stormed off, grumbling angrily to himself.
"Well campers," Chris Maclean said, "you all might remember how we mentioned a virtual reality system in this competition?"
"Yeah," Cody cheered. "Are we going to do it?"
"That sounds really exciting," Anita gushed. "What will the first VR challenge?"
"Is it gonna be ninjas?" Howard asked, clapping his hands. "Race cars? Spies?"
"How about if we all have mutant powers and fight?" Arthur asked, punching his palm. "Like something from X-Men, we all have unique powers!"
A few contestants looked at him in confusion. He swallowed and added, "Not... that I watch those movies, or read the books. I'm no nerd."
"There is a little nerd in all of us," Belinda said, batting her bangs.
"Nope, we're not doing any of that," Chris Maclean said. "Because the virtual reality machine... is on the fritz."
A very large machine was raised from underneath the arena floor. It was an enormous contraption, complete with fifty chairs around it. A large computer console was on the corner, and four large television screens were on every side at the top. White smoke was lightly billowing from various parts of the machine.
"Vera," Joel screamed, gripping his hair. "In the name of Colossus and the Headhunters, what did you do to her?!"
"I don't know," Chris said with a casual shrug.
"You were playing around with it, weren't you?" the young inventor wailed.
"Um, no I wasn't."
"Yes, you were," Belinda said.
"No, I wasn't!"
"Yeah, you were," Chef Hatchet grumbled.
"Okay, fine, maybe a little."
"I think his ego overloaded the computer system," Harold whispered to Bridgette and Leshawna.
"No matter, no matter," Chris said. "We have a back-up challenge ready for this. If you all will give us a round of applause for the challenge we call, Total Drama Gear: Paintballs of the Popular!"
The audience went wild. Harold cheered loudly and began leaping up and down. Cody clicked his tongue and pointed at Chris approvingly. Xander nodded and cracked his knuckles.
(Janitor's Closet - Major rip-off, maybe?)
Xander - "I like this. Everyone knows that Snake is the man."
\He pantomimes taking a drag from a cigarette.\ "Anyone who can be that badass when the majority of the time he crawls on the ground is an inspiration."
"Let me explain the rules," Chris said, while holding up a bright blue paintball gun, "to Total Drama Gear: Paintballs of the Popular. You may call it TD Gear for short. The forty-two of you will be divided into two large groups, twenty-one on each. The object of the game is to eliminate all the members of the opposing team.
"Joel, can you stand up here for a bit?"
The young inventor grumbled as he moved through the teenagers. "First you break Vera, then you make me the demonstration?" he muttered under his breath, then asked aloud, "Shouldn't I be fixing her?"
"Later, later," Chris said, waving his hand. "Now, Joel and Chef Hatchet are gonna be wearing special suits. Gentlemen?"
The two of them were quick to put on the suits, which looked like body armor that covered their bodies, except their heads and palms. Joel's was bright blue, as were the goggles he put on. Chef's were dark green.
"In TD Gear, your objective is to shoot your opponent's with paintballs. Be sure to hit their armor, like this," Chris instructed the teammates.
He proceeded to shoot Joel multiple times, the inventor crying out with each shot. "Ow! Ow, what the hey?!"
"Now, eventually," the host said, "if a suit takes too much paint on it, it will activate the 'defeated' mode. Basically, your suit will become too heavy, and you'll have to sit or lie down. Also, your paintball gun will deactivate, so you cannot shoot people any more."
Chef Hatchet looked over at the teens. "Don't think that you tough ones there are strong enough to endure the weight. Each suit will make on the approximate weight to keep you down. Joel took all the precautions to make sure none of you were hurt, which I think is playing it too nice."
"Well, I am participating in this challenge," Joel said. "Didn't want to crush myself."
"Now, the game is over when all the members from one team have been defeated or knocked out. Yes, you can knock someone out to win this contest, but we don't recommend it."
"Because of possible concussions?" Rodney asked.
"Because of possible abuse?" Hannah asked.
"Because of possible aggression?" DJ asked.
"No," Chris remarked, shaking his head. "Because of people possibly waking up during the middle of the competition, and complicating things."
(Janitor's Closet - Lack of compassion, maybe?)
Hannah - \sarcastic\ "My, how humane."
Sebastian - \deadpan\ "Wow, how compassionate."
Clive - \brooding\ "What a dickweed."
"So the trick is to knock out and/or defeat all of your opponents before the time is over," Chris instructed them, "like this!"
He shot Joel several more times, until the suit let out a few beeps. The young inventor grunted as the suit weighted him down, and he fell to his knees. He groaned as landed on his side.
"Oh dear," Hannah declared, and hurried over to his side. "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he grunted. "These are the fruits of my labor, after all."
"I guess it's true then," Anita said, startling to giggle, "your children do weigh you down."
"I'd laugh if I wasn't so humiliated," the inventor remarked.
"Now, first, let us raise the Crazed Maze," Chris said, holding up a small remote and pushing a couple buttons on it.
The ground rumbled as the arena floor shifted open, and a large maze of high walls rose up. They couldn't see how complex it was from the outside, but a foreboding sense made all of the competitors quiver a little. In the middle was a raised platform, a pole in the center with wires connecting it to the two sides of the stadium top, one of them the announcer's booth (how that happened since the labyrinth was under the arena floor is beyond everyone's guess).
"You all are going to snoop through here, and you're going to wipe out the opponent's team," Chris Maclean declared. "Now, we're going to announce the teams! And it's gonna be reprisal of one of my favorite competitions from last season!
"That's right, ladies and gentlemen and those who aren't either, we are bringing back nerds versus popular kids!"
The audience went wild (they seem really easy to please) as a lot of the competitors looked at each other. The new contestants all began to wonder who they'd be part of.
"Okay, the freaks and geeks are going to be in bright blue, and the popular kids are in dark green," Chris said, "nerds to the left, popular kids to the right. Old cast members from last season, you remember what side you were on, right? So go to the side you were!"
The twenty-one veterans divided up, with Ezekiel and Heather, and Gwen and Trent having to part ways. The only one confused was Owen, who looked between the two teams.
"Err, I wasn't on the show anymore when it came down to that," he admitted. "Which side am I on, Chris?"
"You're on the freaks and geeks, of course, my good Owen!"
"Yahoo," Owen pumped his fist into the air, and headed over to the nerd team. He picked up Noah and Eva, squeezing them in a tight hug. "Hello, fellow freaks."
"Don't call me that," Noah growled.
"Never call me that," Eva added.
"And now for the new people," Chris said, pulling a couple note cards from his pocket. "Some of these are really obvious. Anita and Arthur, you're both on the popular team. Clive and Alfred, you're on the nerds."
Anita and Clive went to their respective sides, but Arthur and Alfred didn't; both seemed really confused.
"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked, crossing his arms. "I'm not popular."
"I am," Alfred said, raising his hand as if in class. "I'm one of popular kids at school!"
Chris laughed and waved his hand. "Yeah right, Alfred. C'mon you two, get to your sides."
Arthur grumbled and headed over to his side. Alfred blinked a couple times, then bounded over to the nerds with a big smile on his face; he had no complaints.
"Next for the popular kids are Hannah, Rodney, Valerie, and Daisy. The nerds get Belinda, Mandy, Howard, and Sakaki. Next is..."
He would have continued, but his cell phone started to ring. After he answered it, saying a few short answers, he sighed and hung up. "Okay, a quick change has to be made. Howard, you're with the popular kids, and Hannah is with the freaks."
A few people let out protests, the loudest of them Mandy's. "You evil rotten has-been and nameless person over the phone," she shouted. "How dare you put Hannah with a bunch of freaks like us?!"
"Hey now," Noah protested.
"I'm okay with it," Hannah said, patting the cultist's shoulder.
(Janitor's Closet - Sign of protest, maybe?)
Mandy - \furious\ "What in the hells was that? Did someone higher up in the Total Drama company protest to Hannah being with the popular kids? How dare they! Her God will smite them, I hope!"
Howard - "Awesome! I get to be with the popular people! Maybe if Belinda had been on my team, I could have made my move. Guess my only way of approaching her will be shooting her.
Daisy - \upset\ "Man, that Chris. What a dickweed."
"Continuing on our teams," Chris said, looking down at his card, "we are going to put Colin, Joel, and Carol on the nerds team. On the popular team will be Crystal, Jasmine, Sebastian, and Xander."
"Yeehaw," Jasmine cheered as she glomped Leshawna. "We're teammates, at long last."
"Oh joy," her friend replied, not as enthused.
Only two members remained: Zachary and Yoshi. Both noted that each team only needed one more member. Chris noticed the two staring each other down as well, and grinned; this would be excellent drama.
"Well then, it's time to announce which of you two will be a nerd, and which will be a popular one," the host said. "And the nerd will be... Yoshi!"
"What?!" the warrior exclaimed.
"Ha! Take that, white boy," Zachary said as he walked over to the popular kids.
Yoshi stood where he was, gnashing his teeth and clenching his fists, trembling with fury.
(Janitor's Closet - Anger issues, maybe?)
Noah - "I wish people would stop acting like being a nerd is a bad thing. We invent stuff! If it wasn't for us, you wouldn't have your fancy phones or cars... you wouldn't even have this!" \He taps the camera lens, leaving a smudge on the glass.\
Bridgette - "I wish Chris wouldn't cause this kind of strife. I know I'm on the popular team, but I don't like that kind of labeling. I think everyone is cool in their own way, and you know, a good deal of my friends are on the nerdy team."
Yoshi - "What the hell was up with that? Zachary with the popular kids and I'm a nerd? He's a punk, with tattoos and long hair, and enough whine to deserve a block of aged cheese. Is this some kind of affirmative action crap or something? Jeez!"
\He sighs, then scoffs.\ "What a dickweed."
"Now that we have the two teams decided, we're going to pick a leader for each side," Chris said. His grin became even more sadistic, and he added, "For the nerds, why not have Yoshi be the leader? Since he hates being on the team so much!"
Yoshi groaned, then shook his head. "Ugh, fine. Whatever."
"You sure you're up for this?" Beth asked him. "Leadership is a hard thing."
"If I can be a warrior, I can be a warlord," he said, now grinning wickedly. "I'll lead this team, and we'll crush that collection of wannabe popular brats!"
The nerds all burst into loud cheers, pumping their fists into the air and shouting taunts at the other team.
"So who's gonna lead the popular kids?" Mandy asked, punching her palm. "We'll carve his or her heart out, and burn it in honor of the Old Gods!"
"As leader, I forbid any heart carving," Yoshi muttered.
"Well, of the twenty-one people in the popular team, consisting of Tyler, DJ, Geoff, Rodney, Xander, Howard, Bridgette, Courtney, Justin, Valerie, Daisy, Jasmine, Trent, Heather, Lindsay, Crystal, Anita, Zachary, Leshawna, Sebastian, and Arthur, I can only think of one person who should lead..."
"It's got to be me," Courtney said, crossing her arms. "I'm a CIT, the most capable of leading."
"Oh no you don't," Leshawna declared, shaking a finger at Courtney. "You ain't leading, I should!"
"Yeah right," Heather spat out. "You lead? I don't trust that. I'm the one with strategy!"
"You've got to be kidding me, you?" Valerie exclaimed. "You're about as trustful as an injured snake. If anyone's got leading experience, it's me!"
"This is all very pointless to debate," Lindsay said, waving her hand. "Because I've obviously got the brains to lead this, right Trevor?" she asked her boyfriend.
"Like hell," Jasmine said. "You two are just gonna make out! I'm the best for leader around here!"
"Will you all stop pointlessly debating over this?" Chris Maclean exclaimed. "I already have your leader picked! And it is going to be...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"Rodney!"
"What?" Leshawna and Heather asked.
"What?" Courtney and Valerie exclaimed.
"Me?" Rodney squeaked.
"Yes, you," Chris said, clapping his hands. "This is gonna be awesome!"
Rodney let out a nervous chuckle that sounded like someone desperately trying not to scream.
(Janitor's Closet - Pressure, maybe?)
Lindsay - "Well, that was unexpected. Little Rocky got to be leader."
Courtney - "The... kid? I don't approve that much, but how can I stay mad? It wasn't even his choice. Besides, maybe with this kind of experience, he might become a CIT at his age! After all, he's a high school student!"
Rodney - \nervously fretting\ "Well, I am the president of a couple clubs at my school, but I don't know if I have enough experience to lead troops into battle! What do I do if someone gets hurt? Do I have to write home if someone becomes M.I.A?"
Heather - "He let us argue when he already had a decision made? What a dickweed."
"You all will have to go change into your new suits, and I'm sure you'll want your privacy," Chris Maclean said. "Head on over to the changing rooms, and no peeking in on the other gender?"
"We can peek?" Howard asked, earning a slap on the back of his head from Courtney.
"Wow, is it really that easy?" Daisy asked, earning a slap on the back of her head from Leshawna.
The forty-one contestants did as Chris instructed (Joel was still lying on the ground). Some contestants had to change into different clothing, so that the battle armor would not chaff or scratch them.
"So do you think the armor recognizes friendly fire?" Trent asked aloud as he put on his armor.
"Probably not," Geoff said. "Guess that means you just gotta be more careful when shooting, eh?"
"Like hell," Colin said, cracking his knuckles. "There are a few wimpy teammates that I wouldn't mind shooting in the back of the head. And since there is no armor there, there are no consequences, right?"
"Not unless you want to be shot in the face as a restitution," Noah grumbled.
"A 'prostitution'?" Colin repeated wrongly, then scoffed. "What the hell is that word you just used?"
"Retaliation," said Cody.
"Retribution," said Justin.
"Revenge," said Rodney.
Colin snarled at the little kid. "Remind me to shoot you in the face when this competition starts."
Rodney let out a whimper and hid behind Xander, who was putting on his gloves. The rebel cracked his knuckles threateningly at Colin.
"You just try that, buster," he said with a snarl. "I just might break every bone in your body."
(Janitor's Closet - Dangerous, maybe?)
Colin - "Sheesh, what is it with people always defending the kid? He's not their kid, he's practically our enemy since this is a contest! People here are stupid."
Alfred - "I actually am quite popular at my high school. Guess they love a gonzo American more there than here. Still, I like people of all kinds, and the people here rock. Especially some really cute girls!"
Owen - \He proudly thumps his armor.\ "I am now an official member of the nerds! I regretted not being able to participate except to be an intern! Now, I'm giving it my all as a participant!" \He farts.\
The girls were getting prepared as well. Anita seemed to be anxious to wear the armor.
"Finally, something to cover me up besides this skimpy top," she said to Crystal, as the romantic helped her lace up the armor from behind.
"I still cannot believe they made you wear that tiny top for the sake of ratings," the British girl said.
"Probably the same people who swapped Hannah with Howard," Mandy grumbled. "I wonder if it's some producer's doing."
"Without a doubt," Eva grumbled. "Those morons act like they know everything."
"You know one or two then?" Carol asked as she slipped on her gloves.
"My mom dated one at one point," Eva said. "What an arrogant ass he was. He left with a broken arm at the end of the relationship."
"Was that your mom's doing, or yours?" Katie asked.
"Mine."
"Yay," she and Sadie cheered, hugging Eva. "We love you being on our team! You're going to crush them!"
"Errr, thanks," the fitness buff muttered, squashed between the two excited girls.
As the girls continued to chat, Mandy struggled with her suit. "I cannot get this damned thing on!"
"Here, let me help, hon," Hannah said. "Here, let me lace you from behind."
Mandy let out a sigh, then waited as Hannah did as she suggested. "Aren't you angry," the cultist girl asked her friend, "that they swapped you so abruptly?"
"I don't consider being with the nerds to be an insult," she said. "Also, it gives me a chance to be your teammates again."
"Well... gee, don't you want your God to smite them or something?"
"God doesn't smite His children, Mandy. He loves them, despite their faults."
"He should smite the dickweeds, though." "He stays neutral, because if He stepped in and interfered with our lives, we would not be free."
Mandy sighed. This went against everything she believed in with her religion, but she couldn't get upset at her friend, for this wasn't offensive, just different.
"Here hon, you gotta... oop," Hannah said as she tried to tie up the armor, but her hands slipped and she found herself hugging Mandy around the stomach for support. "Doh, here, I..."
"Ow, ow, my hair's caught in your armor," Mandy whimpered. "Don't pull back!"
"It's okay, it's okay, I can easily free it-"
"Oh. My. God. What are you two doing?"
Hannah and Mandy froze when they saw Jasmine and most of the other girls staring at them. The Christian girl had her arms around the cultist's stomach, and Mandy's head was leaning back against Hannah's shoulder. Both girls realized how awkward it must have looked, and their faces turned pink.
"Um, hello," Hannah said, grinning sheepishly, unable to think of anything else to say.
"This totally isn't what it looks like," Mandy muttered. "Although she is kind of comfortable, minus the fact that my hair is caught."
(Janitor's Closet - Awkward, maybe? ... No, no it is.)
Daisy - \She chuckles a couple times before talking.\ "Just like a couple of my lacrosse teammates back home. Man, those two are cute together."
Carol - "What on Earth are those two up to? Did they forget we were there? Hehe, what hormone machines!"
Anita - "Rather unusual place to start a relationship, but still, if that's what they prefer."
Crystal - "Hmm... Religionshipping? Saviorshipping?"
All Four - "Umm, wait? Aren't we reading too much into this? Probably."
(Back at the the Arena)
"Okay, you all can discuss battle strategies now," Chris said, once all of the contestants came out changed and ready. "Just be sure to be on your best, because one team is already down a member."
"Wait, what?" Hannah said, trying to brush off her embarrassment. "Which team?"
"The nerds," the host said matter-of-factly, pointing at Joel. "He's already been downed."
"But... but... you shot him, eh," Ezekiel shouted.
"You're the one who weighted him down," Eva roared.
"Isn't it illegal for the host to interfere with the game?" Izzy remarked.
"Rules? What are those?" Chris said, grinning happily. "It's all good."
"No, it's not," the Nerd team roared.
"He'll be happy. He gets to fix Vera now!"
"Why do you call it Vera anyway?" Chef Hatchet asked Joel as the the cook helped unlace and remove Joel's weighted armor.
"Virtual Reality, VR," Joel said as he stood up and shrugged his shoulders. "Anyway, I'll be off fixing it. Good luck, guys!"
As Chef Hatchet watched Joel walk away, something clicked. "Hey, wait just a damn minute, Chris," he hollered. "We had a bet going on! I put money on the nerds, and you took one out before the competition started?"
"Yeah, sorry about that," Chris said, his grin becoming more and more desirable to punch. "I guess since nerds are the underdogs, they'll come up and win like last time.
"Oh no, wait! They didn't," the host cackled, slapping his knee.
(Janitor's Closet - Unfair, maybe?)
Chef Hatchet - "A month and a half's pay went into that bet, and now he's disqualifying people on my team before it even starts?"
Eva - "I know Chris loves to bend the rules to his will, but this! This is worse than cheating, and I HATE cheaters!"
Izzy - "Okay, like, I know my skills from my days of sniping and spying like a professional will come in real handy here, but seriously. Taking out a member of our team like that?"
Joel - "So you're telling me that the host can not only bet on the teams participating in the game, but also can tilt the odds in favor of who he put money on?"
All Four - "What a dickweed!!"
(The Popular Kids)
"I really don't belong here," Arthur grumbled as he sat down in one of the chairs. "But whatever. What's the plan, fearless leader?"
"Huh? Me?" Rodney asked, looking surprised.
"You were picked, so fire away."
Rodney whimpered, then cleared his throat. "Um... well, hello everyone. My name is Rodney, and... and I'll be your leader today."
"Hi, Rodney," a good deal of the contestants said.
"Do we have a strategy, Rodney?" DJ asked. "Like, how we're going to flank them and such?"
"Could I go with Tyler, please?" Lindsay requested. "He and I work very well together, Robby."
"You just make out together," Leshawna pointed out.
"No, that's what Bertha and Greg do. See?"
She pointed at Geoff and Bridgette, who were indeed making out. Some of the contestants winced, while Crystal cheered and clapped a little.
"We can't have people dating each other go together," Heather snapped. "You people can't get sentimental during a competition like this?"
"I don't recall," Tyler snarled at her, "asking for your opinion!"
"I'm the only one here who can see what needs to be done!" "You're not our leader, though," Sebastian said, correcting his glasses. "Rodney is."
"Are you all seriously going to let a child lead us into combat?" Heather spat out. "Look, he may be smart and all, but he's not a strategist!"
"You don't know that, Heather," said Courtney. "Why don't you let him at least try?"
"What?" the queen bee said, surprised at Courtney lecturing her. "You really have faith in the kid?"
"Why not?" Courtney said, patting Rodney's head. "He could do fine."
"Yeah, little buddy," Geoff exclaimed, breaking his wet kissing from Bridgette. "We got spirit, say it!"
"... Spirit," Rodney whimpered, pumping his little fist in the air like Geoff was.
"Say we got drive!"
"Actually, you should say, 'we have to drive'!"
"Say it, dude!"
"Eep! Um... drive?"
"Yeah, baby," Geoff exclaimed, leaping in the air in excitement. "This little dude's gonna lead us to victory!"
After another whimper, Rodney fastened the chin strap to his helmet (which he was wearing under his equipment helmet). "Well, we need to split people into teams. I think we should have a couple of three-man teams, and one individual on his or her own."
"If we're calling teams," Daisy said, "I want to be with Bridgette!"
The lacrosse player grabbed said surfer's arm and pulled her close. Bridgette was startled at first, as was Geoff. "Well, can I go with those two?" the party animal asked.
"No, Geoff, we cannot have couples go together," Courtney scolded him.
"Aw, c'mon, Courtney," he whined. "I'm sure that Bridgette and I can focus on the game instead of each other."
"No, I said no, and I meant no," she snapped. Bridgette was looking between her and Rodney, and the CIT remembered her place. "Um, if that's okay with you, Rodney?"
"Um, sure," he stammered. "So one team will be Daisy and Bridgette. I think Geoff should be Trent. Heather, you can be with Sebastian."
Heather looked over at Sebastian, hesitant at being with the newcomer. The philosopher noted her with a glance, and shrugged.
"Arthur and Valerie, I think you two should be together," Rodney said.
"Oh God, not the pink one," Arthur grumbled. "You are a cruel sergeant, Rodney."
"Shut up," Valerie growled. "Rodney, I'd rather be with Zachary-"
"I'd rather be with a real brother or a sister," Zachary snapped.
Rodney looked around. "Um, I didn't know you had a sibling."
"No, kid, I want to be with someone like me. Not a white boy or someone else who'll push me into the line of fire."
"Um," Rodney did a quick visual of the remaining contestants. "Would DJ be okay?"
"Fine, whatever. Though he is a chicken."
"I'm not sure I want him as my partner," DJ muttered to Geoff, who nodded in agreement.
Rodney scanned the remaining members of his team. "Leshawna, you and Jasmine know each other, right?"
"Sadly, yes," she said, while Jasmine clapped happily.
"Why don't you two work together? Oh, and take Tyler with you," the prodigy child suggested. "I'm sure he will be good at paintballing!"
"That's right," Tyler cocked his paintball gun. "I've gone paintballing before, and I have excellent sniper skills! I rock at this sport!"
He accidentally pulled the trigger of his gun, and shot himself under his chin. As he groaned in pain, Lindsay tried to comfort him.
"Um, Lindsay," Rodney said over the noise that was Tyler cursing, "would Crystal be an okay partner?"
"Sure, but which one is she?" Lindsay asked, looking at some of the girls. She asked, "Her?" while pointing at Courtney, Bridgette, Jasmine, and Arthur (the last one shouted, "Hey!" in reply).
"No, that's me," Crystal said, waving at Lindsay.
"Oh, the Australian girl."
"I'm British actually, but there you are," she replied with a chuckle. "Bob's your uncle and all that."
"No, my uncle's name is Bill, I'm pretty sure."
Rodney let the two discuss family matters as he faced the others. "Xander, Anita, you two seem to do well together. Would that be okay?"
"Sure thing, hon," Anita said to him, putting a hand on Xander's shoulder. "We're just fine together."
Xander grinned at Rodney and pointing at him approvingly. The boy was confused by this, but carried on. "Courtney, Justin, can you two guard me, please?"
"Sure thing, sweetheart," Courtney said, patting his shoulder. Justin grinned, flipping his hair.
"If any mean girl tries to shoot you, I'll wow them with my looks," the male model assured him.
"How does that work?" Rodney asked, concerned.
To avoid what would probably be a very awkward conversation, Howard spoke up. "Wait, does that mean I'm alone?"
"Yes, is that okay?"
"Well, I kind of wanted to be with a couple girls, ya know?"
"Why?"
"Um," Howard stammered when Rodney cocked his head in confusion, "n-never mind. I'll just snipe people, shoot them in a corner! Yeah, I'll get 'em all good that way!"
"You're going to camp?" Tyler asked, scoffing. "What a noob."
"IT'S A LEGITIMATE STRATEGY," Howard, Zachary, Daisy, and Arthur hollered indignantly.
(Janitor's Closet - Enough, maybe?)
Chris Maclean - "I'm sure you all would like to see what the nerds are planning, but we're running out of time here. Next up, we'll show you all what the nerds have planned, and the start TD Gear!"
Belinda - "See that? All my predictions came true. And since I'm the nerd team, I'm going to say that..." \she pulls her paintball out from behind her and points it at the camera\ "... that I predict that the popular kids are going down, for the sake of having Chris Maclean lose his bet."
Ezekiel - "My friends on the nerd team tell me this is based off a spy video game, something with loads of shooting and explosives, eh. Guess that's why a certain bird was listening in on us."
Groucho the Duck - \quacking with English subtitles, holding a large paintball gun\ "My nickname in my regiment was Solid Duck. I eat snakes for breakfast!"
--
--
--
So what are the nerds planning, and what groups will they form? Can they overcome such an early loss?
How will Rodney and Yoshi measure up as leaders? Which campers will be fair shots?
And is camping a legitimate strategy?
Nerds - Alfred, Clive, Belinda, Ezekiel, Harold, Katie, Mandy, Hannah, Sakaki, Sadie, Eva, Cody, Colin, Yoshi, Noah, Owen, Izzy, Gwen, Beth, Joel, Carol.
Popular Kids - Tyler, DJ, Geoff, Rodney, Xander, Howard, Bridgette, Courtney, Justin, Valerie, Daisy, Jasmine, Trent, Heather, Lindsay, Crystal, Anita, Zachary, Leshawna, Sebastian, Arthur.
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Next - The nerds plan, and the shooting begins! Time to get your gear on!