Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter
A/N: Review! Review! Review!
To want and not to have.
To want and not to have.
She sighed rubbing her hands over her eyes. Virginia Woolf was an odd companion to have at the moment, but she'd been trying, to no avail, to forget and ignore the lump that had permanently lodged in her chest. She threw her legs over the side of her bed and stumbled out of her room.
The holidays hadn't ended fast enough. Every time her mother had smiled and talked of some holiday tradition, she'd felt her stomach churn. How could anyone be happy, how could she be happy, when her thoughts were consumed in…in… She forced the thoughts away as she made her way through the castle. She turned into the room and closed her eyes in preparation. She sighed, seemingly calmed, before opening her eyes to gaze at the familiar statue that guarded the staircase that led up to the Headmaster's office.
Dumbledore had asked to see her. Seeing as she was alone, she assumed it had nothing to do with Head duties. Draco would be here otherwise.
She mumbled the password and walked up to the winding staircase.
Her Headmaster was admiring an odd trinket on his desk when she finally wondered into the room. "Ah Miss Granger, please sit."
She wrung her hands together, but reluctantly sat. Dumbledore's eyes glinted with their familiar amusement, and unwittingly, she began to relax.
"Sir, if this is about the final plans and events scheduled for the term, I feel that it would be best to wait until Draco has returned." She finally said.
Dumbledore smiled, and shook his head.
"No, Miss Grange, this is not about your Head duties." She frowned. "But it does pertain to young Mr. Malfoy."
She stilled.
He seemed thoughtful as he continued. "I see you've guessed what I am about to say. Yes, Miss Granger I am aware of the changes in Draco's situation as well as those he chooses to confide in."
"Headmaster." Her vision blurred as tears immediately pooled in her eyes.
He held up his hand to cut her off.
"I am old my dear, and one finds that with age the normal pleasantries and small words of comfort are easily set aside so that the conversations that still must be had can occur. I must speak plainly now Miss Granger. I fear I do not have much more time to do so."
"Headmaster. I…I understand." She finally said. He nodded, having expected her response.
Dumbledore sighed, gingerly lifting his robe that had hidden his other hand until now. She gasped at the darkened skin. A cursed limb. It had to be. She'd read books on it, but nothing could have prepared her for the look of the flesh in person.
"Severus has told me that it is quite irreversible and has assured me that, when the time comes, he will insure I receive a quick and painless death rather than succumb to the natural course of this curse."
Her breath hitched at that same word again. Death. Out loud it became powerful and inevitable. Hopeless.
"But Headmaster, surely something can be done. Voldemort desires your death, we cannot…" She halted mid-sentence. Could that be… She turned to Dumbledore and watched the amused sadness dance about in his blue eyes. She was right then. This was the task. This is what Draco had been carrying with him since the beginning.
He will insure I receive a quick and painless death rather than succumb to the natural course of this curse
"So Professor Snape has agreed to take the burden of the act." She struggled at the last word, unable to meet her Headmaster's kind eyes.
"Ah Severus." He said bemused, "A braver man than he allows others to believe."
Hermione silently thought of another Slytherin, who emboldened that very contradiction.
A dark cloud settled on Dumbledore's face. "Though, I find that despite the wand which will inevitably cast the spell, any parties involved are meant to suffer the same punishment." He continued, sadness marring his features. "I must emphasize the importance of keeping Mr. Malfoy's allegiance a secret despite the trials that will be brought by it."
She found herself nodding. "Of course Headmaster, but I…" she bit her lip, "It just seems wrong that no one will know of all that he is willing to lose in order to aid our side."
He smiled slightly. "Yes, rather a shame that some's bravery must remain within the shadows, but I sense it is not everyone's understanding that you long for Miss Granger."
She clasped her hands together, her earlier nervousness manifesting again.
"Harry and Ron. I…I don't know if I can keep this secret from them."
"You do not need my permission for what you choose to do with your knowledge Miss Granger, though I advise that should you choose to tell Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, you wait until the most appropriate time to do so." He looked thoughtfully passed her.
"I fear that the war that looms in the distance will not end as quickly as I would hope. The danger increases with time. I implore you Miss Granger to weigh each decision before you make it."
Her response was automatic.
"I already am."
The smile in her Headmaster's eyes was blinding. His pride overwhelmed her. A lone tear escaped down her face. She rubbed it away before turning back to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry Headmaster, but your death." Her voice broke.
"Do not cry for my fate Miss Granger. I have lived, I have failed, and I have loved. I pity those who have not done all three."
She nodded her response. Her throat unable to manage more than a few short burst of air running through it.
He gave her one last sad smile.
"I think that will be all Miss Granger."
She left, numb after her meeting with Dumbledore and immediately fell into her bed. She must have tossed and turned for hours, but eventually her exhaustion forced her into sleep.
The next morning McGonagall had met with her about her actual Head duties, but at that point she wasn't sure she cared about them at all. She forced herself to keep busy, hoping to avoid losing herself in her thoughts. She even planned her exam revision schedule, though each action was hollow. She sighed, absently running her hand through Crookshanks' fur.
"Oh Crooks." She murmured. She stood and wondered toward the Common Room. At least her familiar was with her now to offer some semblance of comfort. Her mind wandered as she walked slowly down the short hallway.
Should she have told Draco that she was bringing Crooks back with her?
The feline in question wondered out of her grasp and darted out of her room. She heard rustling, and with a frown, she followed her cat's path. She'd just reached the Common Room, when she heard a distinctly human sniff. Her speed increased, and the room came into view.
Draco was glancing down to where Crookshanks had wrapped himself around his legs. His hand covered his mouth and nose, though his eyes immediately left Crooks to settle on her. "He seems to like you." She said after neither one of them moved to speak.
At her voice, Crooks detangled himself from Draco and disappeared back into her room. He sighed at the cat's disappearance, and removed his hand.
"You're not allergic are you?" She said.
"I shouldn't be." He murmured, picking imaginary pieces of lint of his clothes, "But it seems all the stress is finally starting to destroy what's left of my immune system, and my core isn't compensating for my body's malfunctioning."
She racked her eyes over him, and grimaced at how much more weight he'd managed to lose. He gave her a weak smile when she finally drew her eyes up to meet his. "I have immune strengthening potion." She blurted out.
He tensed, before the weak smile spread across his face again.
"Course you do."
She motioned for him to follow her to the kitchen, where she grabbed a vial from her storage. He took it without protest, downing the contents in a single gulp. She watched as his eyes widened in realization.
"I've had this before, haven't I?" There was a thin trace of amusement in his voice.
"When I visited you in the infirmary after the dance."
He nodded to himself. "Very Slytherin of you." He teased setting the vial down on the counter.
"I'm learning from the best."
He pursed his lips, before a wryly grin stretched across his face.
I've been worried. Merlin, so worried.
She wanted to scream it.
"Granger."
His expression was softer.
I know.
She let out a breath.
He motioned for her to follow them back into their Common Room. He settled on the couch and stretched his legs. "Finally." He said, stretching his arms above him. She glanced at the patch of skin peeking from his sleeve. She took his arm, and when he didn't protest, she rolled up his sleeve.
The scars still ran along his arms, but the inflammation had gone down considerably. She traced the healing skin slowly, marveling at how much it had improved.
"It looks a lot better." She murmured.
He took his arm back.
"You should be angry with me, not wondering about if it's healed."
She bit her tongue. His eyes seemed distant, lost in his thoughts. "Do you want me to be?"
"At least it would make sense." He snapped.
"Well I am." She moved closer to him. He dropped his head, his fringe covering his face.
"I am." She continued, "I'm furious."
His shoulders dropped.
"But not at you."
He tensed, and she moved even closer.
"Not when you were threatened into it." She said taking his hand.
"I had a choice. I could have stunned my mother and ran before all of this. Never looked back." He said, finally raising his head.
"And let your father die?" she pressed. This conversation had to happen sooner or later. The air had to be cleared between them.
"You wouldn't have done it." His eyes widened, "You wouldn't have let him brand you like a farm animal."
"If he had my mother." She whispered, "I would do anything."
He met her gaze, leaning closer so that their foreheads could touch. He was circling in despair, and that was a dangerous thing. He couldn't lose himself. She wouldn't allow it. It almost made her wish for the confident arrogant Malfoy, who thought himself king of the world…that he could do whatever he wanted.
"You're fighting him in the way you can." She pressed.
"In the shadows." He let out a breath before widening the gap between them.
"Better than nothing." She said, threading her fingers through his. He nodded, and relaxed back against the couch.
She smiled. "There. Enough of that." She slowly let go of his hand, mourning the feel of his fingers when they finally separated.
He nodded, clearing his throat. After a moment of silence, he spoke again. "How was your holiday?" he asked, politely.
Her brow rose, and he smirked.
"Just trying to ah steer the conversation away from that."
She smiled and shook her head. "Well as good as to be expected. I just couldn't really get into it this year. Everything about that we know, and then the attack at King's Cross."
Draco grimaced. She was about to quickly try to explain when he turned away from her and sneezed twice into his hand. He groaned and looked at his hand with distaste.
"Bloody gross." He muttered heading back to the Common Bathroom. She cocked her head.
My core isn't compensating for my body's malfunctioning.
She felt her curiosity roar to life as her inquisitive nature immediately began connecting dots and formulating new questions.
"So why isn't your core…Wait your magical core? That can compensate for body malfunctions? I mean how does that work; magically and biologically? I mean. Wow." She said, suddenly latching on to the subject change. In truth, she'd never heard of any of this. It was actually quite fascinating.
"I'm so happy to entertain." He called out. She laughed, climbing up onto the couch and leaning over to look down the hall.
"So why is that?" she asked again.
"Probably all the magic I've been doing and being exposed to." He said, rubbing his face, "How long before the potion kicks in?" He walked back into the Common Room.
She chewed her lip. "Well, overnight."
He groaned. "So, I'll be miserable until morning."
"Well, I have muggle medicine." She suggested. He moved his hand from his face. His brow rose.
"So you don't have to be completely miserable." She continued. She bit her tongue, waiting for him to respond.
He stood still for a moment before he nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose.
She smiled and jumped off the couch and went into the kitchen, with Draco at her heels. She shuffled through a drawer before pulling out a silver foil and popped two tablets out. He looked at them for a moment, biting his lip.
With a sigh, he summoned a glass and popped the two tablets into his mouth.
"No quips about how I might be poisoning you?" she teased when he made a face as he swallowed.
He shrugged. "You've had enough opportunities already." He took another sip from the glass before setting it down.
She folded her arms. "So you trust me."
He looked up at her before quickly looking away. "More than I should."
She stepped closer.
"I mean; I'm still waiting for the day Potter jumps me on the way to Arithmancy to drag me away for justice."
She rested her hand on his arm. "I wouldn't let him."
"Never say never." He said bitterly, rubbing his face.
She ran a hand through her hair. "Are you going to tell me and let me help now?"
He made an unhappy noise and moved away from her. He moved to step out of the kitchen, but she held out her arm to stop him. She let her hand rest on his chest, and the sheer familiarity was enough to stop Draco in his tracks.
Down to Death.
It's a whisper between them.
She swallowed hard as he remained rigid against her fingertips.
"Hermione." He licked his lips, "You can't help me. You can't." he took a breath. "If we were caught."
She shook her head. "No. No I can't." She pursed her lips, "But I can help you plan."