Disclaimer - All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, and the creators of TDI. No profit is being made in the making of the fanfiction. This alternate-universe episode of TDI contains stunts performed by written teens. Please don't try any of this at home. Interviewing losers should also be done by professionals, as you're likely to be smacked.

The Kobold Necromancer's Notes - Hope you all had some good holidays. Just remember that Christmas comes just once a year, so for a few more days, for crying out loud, can we all just get along?

New poll in my profile, and such. There will be a new poll starting the next challenge. And the winners for weapons against the zombie horde are Chain Saw, Anything I Can Get My Hands On, and Katana Blade! Awesomeness.

Chapter 20 - First Five Failures

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(Janitor's Closet - The setup for the buildup!)

Chris Maclean - "Welcome, faithful viewers of Total Drama Battlegrounds! We have a special for you all, something that you all love! I don't know why, personally, but this is what some people like: interviews with those voted off these show! Seriously, why do you want to know what the losers think?

"Well, either way, we have two people to conduct these interviews, and boy, are these two fans the most lucky beings on the planet, because we picked them out of thousands of choices! You see, we had a raffle, because we couldn't get someone else to do it."

Chef Hatchet - "I wanted to do it!!"

Groucho the Duck - \cocking his magnum revolver\ "Discrimination against ducks, I'm telling you!"

Chris Maclean - "So now it's time to announce our first interviews with the losers, not worthy of a title because it's just the losers." \He laughs.\ "Our handsome friend and hyper fan-girl who will be asking the questions are ready on the Bus of Losers!"

(Duncan's Bus of Losers)

The young man was straightening his red shirt and hair, with the kind of precision one would expect from Justin. Muttering a couple words in Spanish under his breath, trying to keep himself calm, he was almost knocked over by the other host and her fluttering, purple ponytail.

"Um, hello there," he said as he addressed the camera. "Welcome to the first interview with the losers of Total Drama Battlegrounds. My name is Alejandro, and-"

A happy squeal cut him off, and he was attacked from behind by the overly excited girl. "I'm on TV," she squealed in joy. "I made it on TDB, and I'm on TV!"

"Yes yes, I'm very happy for you," Alejandro grumbled. "Everyone, I'm your host, and this is my co-host, Kathie."

"Um, it's Sierra, actually," the girl said as she climbed down off of Alejandro.

The handsome boy blinked in surprise, then looked at a note card in his hand. Grumbling to himself, he pulled a pen from his pocket and made a quick correction. "Sorry, Sierra, I don't know how such a mistake could have happened."

"Kind of silly that I'd be called Kathie, that's one letter away from another Total Drama contestant," Sierra said with a happy giggle.

"Indeed, that would cause some confusion. Now then, about our show-"

"People would mistake me for Sadie," she exclaimed, continuing to giggle.

Alejandro stood there, perplexed by this. Sierra continued to giggle nonstop, clutching her bare sides under her yellow halter top. The male host sighed, and corrected his undershirt to get the attention back to him.

"Well anyway, we're here because we won the TDB Host Raffle contest," he explained to the camera. "I myself actually have a connection in TDB, as Justin and I have been doing many model jobs in the past beforehand."

Sierra cheered. "Can you get me an autograph?"

"Later, honey," he said, poking her nose in playfulness; she giggled and leapt in the air. Her breasts jiggled from the motion, and Alejandro found himself slightly distracted; no matter the attitude, he was still a teenaged boy.

"Um, well," he stammered as he looked back at the camera. "It's time for us to interview the losers on Duncan's Boobs of Losers. GAH! I mean Duncan's Bus of Boobers! ACK!"

Sierra tapped her finger on her lips, squinting in confusion. "Is that Spanish you're speaking? You said you were Spanish, and I took a little Spanish last year in high school."

"Come this way, Sierra," Alejandro said suddenly, yanking Sierra to the back of the bus.

(Bus's Bathroom - Our first appearance, woohoo!)

Alejandro - "Here on Duncan's Bus of Losers, we have our own confessional: the bus's bathroom! Here, us two hosts and any ex-contestants who need to vent some hatred can do here! This will be a lot of fun, I can feel it!"

\He laughs proudly, and gives a very handsome smile to the camera. All women with hormones should consider looking away for a minute, lest you fall in and loose yourself.\

Sierra - "Woohoo! I am so happy to be here!" \She's leaping up and down in joy.\ "I love Total Drama, and I tried so hard to get in! They didn't let me in Total Drama Battlegrounds, which is actually cool, because this way, I can meet all the people of TD and not have to compete!"

Groucho and Chico the Animals - Groucho - "Now remember, we're here for recon, not to get in any trouble!"

Chico - "haha! im en ur buss bathrum, wastin al teh teepee"

Groucho - \He face-palms with his wing.\

"So, Alejandro," Sierra turned to her co-host, "who will be our first interviewee?"

"I think, my fine friend, that we should interview the one who runs the bus," he said, approaching the front. "Duncan!"

The punk, at the wheel, barely looked at Alejandro, but when his eyes fell on Sierra, more specifically her purple hair, he was distracted from the road. "Whoa, hello there," he said, grinning slyly now. "Didn't get a good look at you when you came on, but I recognized the purple!"

Sierra burst into giggles, as Alejandro rolled his eyes. "So Duncan," he said, smiling for the camera first, "do you enjoy this bus gig more than being on the show?"

"I don't know, to be honest," Duncan admitted, shrugging his shoulders. "Sure, it's cool having a section of the show to myself and constant appearances, but this show isn't like the last two! It's half-virtual reality, half-races!"

"They had to fight zombies last time," Sierra pointed out. "That didn't look like much fun."

"Are you kidding? I'm a bit of a zombie movie fan, I love gore," the punk exclaimed. "My princess is out there, kicking cans left and right, and I'm stuck driving a bus!"

"You have three girls on this bus too," said Alejandro.

"True, dude, and it looks like one more."

Duncan winked at Sierra, and her tan face became a dark red in a second. She started to quiver, then let out a happy scream that startled everyone on the bus. "DUNCAN WINKED AT ME! ME!!!"

She ran down the middle of the bus, leaping and whooping in delight, cackling like a fan ready to burst with joy. Alejandro straightened out his hair, trying to make sure he looked his best, then turned to Duncan.

"So how do you feel that Harold gets to stay while you go?" he asked.

Duncan almost flinched. Alejandro's voice had become very sly and serious, like if he really wanted to know, and wanted to encourage Duncan to do something. It unnerved the punk, not to mention the question...

"Well," Duncan grumbled, gripping the steering wheel tighter, "I don't like being voted off, I don't like how people act like I'm responsible for what happened last season, and I certainly don't like him!"

He punched the steering well, and sighed. "At least Courtney is fine."

"Is she?"

Duncan looked at Alejandro again, thrown off by this comment. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Well, you got voted off because of what happened last season, so she might too. But that might be best for you."

"And what does that comment mean, pretty boy?"

"Well, as you know, Izzy and Owen have broken up. Aren't you worried more couples might break up this season too?"

"Courtney wouldn't break up with me!"

"Except that she barely recognizes your relationship, true?"

Duncan seethed and gripped the steering wheel hard.

(Bus's Bathroom - Hi, mom! Hi, dad!)

Alejandro - \with a sly smirk\ "It's simple, ready. Chris wanted me to ask the hard questions, the ones that would really get emotions going. Make Duncan question Courtney's faithfulness, that kind of stuff. So long as that purple haired ditz isn't around, or if she's just as vapid as I know she is, I can really get this bus rocking, and earn a big fat paycheck!"

Sierra - \panting in excitement\ "Oh man... he winked at me! I think I'm gonna faint..." \She waves her hand in front of her face.\ "I hope someone out there has a brown paper bag or something, I'm breathing kind of fast!"

Groucho and Chico the Animals - Groucho - "Hmm, that Sierra girl seems to have fighting rage."

Chico - "wut? she iz nut fyting"

Groucho - "Well then, it's more like a 'fangas'-"

Chico - \cutting him off suddenly\ "did u see Alejandro's butt? boy, that iz tyght en hiz jeanz, must dryv da gurls crayzee!"

Groucho - "I'm a duck, why would I look at a human's butt!?"

Sandra was looking at it, because she had the hormones of the right species. Alejandro's jeans were tight, showing off his features very well. The popular girl licked her lips as she studied Alejandro from behind, batting her eyes. She had picked a target.

Currently, Alejandro and Duncan were still talking, and now on lighter terms. Duncan laughed at a joke the host told, and smirked in delight. "Haven't heard a good PG-13 rated joke since we had to drop off Daisy at the hospital, dude."

"We are going to swing by there to interview her last, right?"

"Of course, even if I have to use the emergency lane," Duncan said, grinning wickedly. "Then again, I don't know if they'd believe there is a bus full of emergencies."

"Well, Owen is on board, we could all be dying of inhaling toxic fumes."

As they chuckled, a buzzing noise caught their attention. The buzzing became louder until the two couldn't ignore it anymore, and looked back into the bus to see what it was.

Sierra and Jasmine were talking, and by talking we mean words were coming out so fast that we'd need Matrix-styled slow-motion in order to understand them. It was getting to the point that the others' ears were starting to hurt.

"Hey Kathie," Alejandro exclaimed, hurrying over to his co-host.

"Sierra, hon," she corrected him, giving him a smile before turning back to Jasmine. "You wouldn't believe how much Jasmine has learned about the contestants!"

"Well, I knew Leshawna practically all my life, and I'm really good at reading people," Jasmine bragged. "See, as an actress, I've developed a good sense of character study."

Alejandro raised an eyebrow at this when Sierra nodded a great many times. The actress continued to say, "I also talked to Katie a lot when we were in the same room, and thus I learned all about Sadie and Noah."

"There was also you and Howard hanging out a lot," Sierra mentioned, nudging her.

Jasmine waved her hand, smiling lightheartedly. "Oh, we're just friends, he just wanted some advice on courting Belinda."

"You think it'll work out between them?"

"Hard to say, I wasn't there long enough to give a lot of advice, but I bet he can do well. He's handsome and smooth, just needs to know not to put on an act, be completely himself."

Alejandro listened to all this, drumming his fingers on his arms. "Really? You support relationships and such?"

"Of course!"

"I thought you hated Harold dating Leshawna?"

Jasmine looked like someone had struck her, then snarled. "I hate that boy! What nerve does he have to think he's good enough for Leshawna?"

She threw her hands up in frustration, and Sierra inched away from her fury. "C'mon, back me up here! Is Harold right for Leshawna? What do they have in common?"

"I think you're right, chica," Alejandro commented, smiling at her. "I always thought they were a mismatched pair."

"Thank you, handsome man!"

"Alejandro."

"Yeah, it'll take forever for me to memorize that," Jasmine admitted. "My point is, I hope they break up like Owen and Izzy!"

Loud crying came from the back, as one of those in the broken relationship overheard this. Sierra looked between the sobbing Owen and the outspoken Jasmine, and swallowed her fears to speak up. "You know, when watching the show, I always thought Harold and Leshawna were kind of cute-"

"WHAT?!" Jasmine and Alejandro exclaimed, startling Sierra so bad that she fell out of her chair.

(Bus's Bathroom - Three cameos already! Hollywood, here we come!)

Sierra - \nervously poking her fingers together\ "Okay, I am a huge supporter of all the official pairings, I think they're all so cute. Though I have written fanfiction of fanon couples, you know, the ones who aren't hooked up. I think that's why they picked me for this job, because I'm such an obsessed fan..." \She grins and sticks out her chest proudly.\ "And I am not ashamed to admit it!"

Alejandro - "Sierra is making this job too easy. She's not going to get the ratings if she's nice and chatty, but I will. Sure, I don't always need to be wicked, but it's almost a force of habit. My good looks have given me a permanent pass to people being slightly irked with me, so I can really stir the drama up!

"You know, Justin used to be like this, until he got himself a girlfriend. Shame, really."

Duncan - "I really don't get that Alejandro guy. It's almost like he's provoking me, but he is right. Princess, you'd better not fool around with any other guys while I'm gone, because next time I come back, I want you to recognize our relationship!"

Jasmine - \reading a Shakespeare play\ "I'm doing a little reviewing, because it turns out my Shakespeare was a little rusty. Now I feel so stupid, I was quoting him all wrong! Even Harold gets 'To be or not to be,' and if it were up to me, he wouldn't be being."

"So Owen," Sierra said as she sat down next to the large teenager, "I know you're very upset and all-"

Owen was downing a bag of chips, flecks of them spraying all over the place. Sierra tried to ignore the ones landing on her, but soon she was inching away from him. "Um," she said, giggling nervously, "can you give us your words on the breakup, please?"

"Izzy," Owen wailed. "Oh why? Why did you break up with me-eeeeeee?"

"Well honey," Sierra said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "you see, Izzy was concerned about your manners and such. You're a nice guy, you just really have to watch what you do around a girl-"

"Could be she likes another guy," Alejandro, standing nearby, added.

Owen gasped, saliva-coated chips falling from his open mouth. "She... she does?"

"Did break up with you very soon into the game, maybe she has a thing for one of the new guys," he explained, shrugging his shoulders. "Could also be that one guy she's friends with."

"Ezekiel?"

"Oh c'mon on now," Sierra said to Alejandro in a gently chastising manner, "Ezekiel and Izzy are friends, and what's more, he's taken-"

Owen let out a heartbroken howl, gripping a startled Sierra's hands in his grief. "Izzy wants Ezekiel and not me-eeeeeeee!"

He blubbered some more, whimpering, then brought his hand in and started sucking on a thumb. Only it wasn't his own.

"Um, Owen sweetie?" Sierra asked, her voice a little shaky with how weird it felt for the blubbering Owen to be sucking on her thumb. "Can I have my... um... please... oh dear."

As she tried to handle the very odd situation, Alejandro approached Sandra, who immediately when into her "hello, baby" attitude she had perfected in high school.

"So handsome, nice to see a real man around here," she said, coyly playing with one of her red bangs. "Between the wailing fat boy back there and the criminal driving a bus, I've been starved, you know?"

"Must have been hell for you," Alejandro said, taking the seat next to her and adopting his sly smile for her. She grinned right back to show her appreciation.

"I suppose you're going to ask me how I feel about being voted off first?"

"If that's okay with you."

"It's obvious, they were intimidated by me, and not just those losers who voted me off," she explained. "See, I figured some of the others, like that skank Anita, encouraged the others to vote for me. Why would an emo vote for a popular girl unless he was asked to?"

"I'm afraid I don't know much about emos."

"They're like the opposite of popularity, so they would look upon their opposites with jealousy and respect," Sandra said as she stuck some gum in her mouth. "See, that's what popularity is about, and girls like Heather have forgotten that."

"So you think Heather has forgotten who she is?"

"She, like, so has. If I was still there, I'd get her off that dork Ezekiel, get her back into that incredible schemer that she was, and we would have rocked this contest."

Alejandro nodded, stroking his chin. "You're quite the clever girl, Sandra."

"Thank you, handsome. But don't worry, you haven't seen the last of me in that contest."

"What do you mean?"

"Duncan and I have snuck back on, remember? So I'm gonna go back the next time I can, and then I'm going to have a talk with some of the contestants. Even if I cannot win, this show will still be mine."

She grinned a grin of pure evil, and Alejandro gave her an approving smile. "Well, I cannot wait to see you work your magic, Sandra."

"Will someone help me get Owen off my thumb?" Sierra wailed in desperation.

(Bus's Bathroom - And we already got hot gossip!)

Alejandro - "Too easy, way too easy. Duncan's suspicious of his woman, Sandra's scheming again, Jasmine is furious over Harold, and Owen is crying like a baby. Can I get this drama flowing or what?"

Sierra - \wiping off her thumb with paper towels\ "Eww, that Owen. I don't mean to sound mean, but it's not wonder Izzy broke up with him! ... Wait, that was mean, I'm sorry Owen! See, if he were a guy I liked, I wouldn't mind him sucking on my thumb. Like if it were..." \She blushes and grins shyly.\ "Hee hee... Cody."

Sandra - \snapping her gum\ "Some say the real show is run behind the camera. If so, then I'm going to be making this show all mine."

Owen - "Whenever I get upset, I eat. Or suck my thumb. Or eat while sucking my thumb, and then injure my thumb and get upset over that. Misery is a vicious cycle.

"But man, that Sierra girl is really nice, and I love that purple hair that reminds me of taffy! Do you think she's seeing anyone?"

The Duncan Bus of Losers arrived at the hospital, though it took a little while for them to find a parking space. When they arrived, no one noticed Groucho the Duck or Chico the Raccoon scurry in undetected.

Upon arriving in Daisy's room, the lacrosse player was busy watching TV. Her leg was suspended slightly, a few signatures already on it. She looked around at her guests, and raised a curious eyebrow.

"Hello, and...," she said, looking between Alejandro and Sierra in the small crowd, "who are you?"

"Hi, I'm Alejandro, and this is Kathie," the handsome teenager introduced them.

Sierra was too excited to care about the wrong introduction, and had already hurried over to Daisy's bed. "OMG," she exclaimed each letter. "I've been waiting to meet you for, like, forever, Daisy! I'm so excited, I'm gonna puke... or scream!"

Luckily, she chose the latter, and let a shriek of joy that rattled Daisy's eardrums. As she covered her ears, Duncan approached her injured leg. He pulled out his switchblade, and said, "Hey Daisy, doing okay here?"

"Yeah, I am," she replied, looking at Alejandro, who was now flirting with her nurse. "People here are nice, and all, but I... um..."

Duncan was now studying her cast, and started carving into it lightly. "Um, what are you doing, crazy boy?" she asked, getting nervous.

"Just carving my name in your cast for good luck."

"Can't you just sign it?!"

"Nah, this way is more special. Don't worry, I haven't hurt anyone doing this yet. Well, once, but..."

As he continued to carve his name into her cast, making her shrink up in fear, she heard the TV changing channels. Sandra had nabbed the remote and was flipping through channels. "You don't mind if I watch one of my shows? No? Thanks," she requested, all of it in one breath. "I've missed so many of them, and I need to see what's been happening in my absence."

Daisy face-palmed, then heard the sound of someone eating nearby. She peered between two fingers to see Owen was eating her dinner. He saw her looking at him, and muttered between bites, "Sorry, I eat when I'm upset! Izzy broke up with me, you know."

She had no way of replying, because she'd have to shout over Jasmine's nonstop talking. The actress was gabbing on about the show Sandra had settled on, commenting on all the gossip she'd heard about the performers, and herself. "See, if I were Brittany in that show, I'd try to add a little more joy in being her, because you see, although she's sad, there are good sides to this kind of misery, and since I'm normally a happy person too, it'd be easy for me..."

Groucho and Chico came running into the room, the duck chasing the raccoon. Chico had his little arms full of band-aids and gauze. "lolz, im in yur hospitalz," he exclaimed proudly, "steelin yur healy tings!"

"You cannot steal from medical buildings, you dishonorable raccoon," Groucho quacked furiously. "Didn't you ever watch MASH?"

Daisy's eye began to twitch. In about two minutes, her room was full with a screaming fangirl, a gabbing actress, a young man distracting her nurse, a criminal carving his name and now a skull into her leg cast, a loud duck and a raccoon in a chase, a guy eating her dinner, and a show she hated being watched by a girl she couldn't stand. Her fingers curled, wanting her lacrosse stick with her very much right now.

Alejandro, leaving the blushing and giggling nurse, walked over to Daisy. "Hello, Daisy," he said. "So, can we interview you now-"

"GET OUT OF MY HOSPITAL ROOM!!!"

Thus concludes our first interviews with the losers! Wait until the next five losers are voted off for our second episode!

Next Up - Race (?) #3: Train of Brain Pain.