Disclaimer - All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, and the creators of TDI. No profit is being made in the making of the fanfiction. This alternate-universe episode of TDI contains stunts performed by written teens. Please don't try any of this at home. Also, do not spray cheese whiz into your shoes, you'll never get the smell out.

The Kobold Necromancer's Notes - For all those wondering why it's taking so long to write, I have some very good excuses. Honest!

One is that my work hours have really picked up (thank goodness). Two is that I'm working on my novel, something that'll actually get published. Three is that, in my favorite manga, one of the really cool characters was just killed; all manga fans can back me up on how devastating this is.

Chapter 22 - Train Train Train, Train of Fools

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(Maclean Stadium, Cafeteria)

Groucho the Duck was slurping down coffee, driving Chico the Raccoon crazy. After a little while, the mammal finally lost it.

"wud u stawp slurpin ur cawfee?!" he shouted at the duck.

"Sorry, but I cannot help it, I got a bill and all."

"U dun evin haf lips, how r u slurpin?"

Groucho shrugged his wings and slurped down more, finishing his mug. He said to his furry friend, "Well, we sadly missed the train, so what would you like to do today?"

"i has a curious urge 2 be undr da sea, in an octopuses gardun wid u"

The bird raised an eyebrow (which is interesting since ducks don't have them). "That so?"

"or a strahburry feeld, furevah"

(Janitor's Closet - In the shade.)

Groucho the Duck - "Sometimes I wonder about that boy."

Chico the Raccoon - "we wuld be so hapy, u an me!"

Rodney - *taking notes rapidly* "Upon closer study of this train of musical thought, it seems that you cannot be limited to just one song. I asked Harold to compare notes with me after the challenge, and he had an interesting theory."

Harold - "Thanks, Rodney. Well, according to my extensive research which came after, well, a couple hours of looking around, it seems that trains nowadays can cause a chain of events, especially when mixed with music. This phenomenon-"

Rodney - *singing* "Doo-DOO-da-doo-doo!"

Harold - *repeating himself* "Phenomenon-"

Rodney - *singing* "Doo-DOO-da-doo-doo!"

Harold - "It seems that if you get a song stuck in your head on a train, it can link to everyone on it. Scientists are still stumped by this, but what's worse is that it's not limited to singles. If you start on a band or music artist that has a wide selection of well-known songs, the results could be quite overpowering!"

Rodney - *crossing his arms and looking at the camera suspiciously* "Though the study is rather interesting, Harold and I have decided to let it be."

Harold - "Speaking words of wisdom, Rodney and me. Over and out."

Chef Hatchet - "I just don't get kids and their music today."

(Team 1 - Colin, Katie, Justin, Rodney, Crystal, Ezekiel)

"It's time to do something interesting," Katie exclaimed. "Quick, do something interesting, all of you!"

Rodney started to drum a tune on his helmet. Justin posed. Crystal made a shadow puppet on the wall. Ezekiel attempted to stick his tongue into his nostril.

"Eww," Katie remarked when looking at Ezekiel.

"Hey, it's interesting," the prairie boy protested. "Plus, I just want to help put Noah's mind at ease, eh."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Chris put you on this team to torment him over the thought that you'd fall fur someone else. So I want you to go to him afterwards and say hoo' gross and disturbing we all are."

Katie waved her hand and smiled. "You don't need to make up reasons, Ezekiel, I can pretend that myself."

"That's good, because he loves you," Crystal noted. "And you know that can't be bad."

"Yes, he loves you," Justin agreed, "and you know you should be glad."

"Oo-ooooooo~," Rodney crooned, getting a few odd stares.

"This train is weird," Ezekiel said to himself, staring out the window. He continued to stare until a tousle of red hair and a wide grin, upside-down, suddenly appeared in front of him, causing him to jump back.

Izzy's mouth was moving, but the members of Team 1 could not hear her due to the closed window. When Justin went to open the window, he almost knocked Izzy off the train.

"Ack! You evil, male model," Izzy shouted as she clung to the window frame. Ezekiel rushed over to grab her wrists and help pull her in. When she was in the safety of the car, she pat her red hair, which now was windswept in a perfectly horizontal position.

"You all having fun?" she asked them. "I just came by to retrieve my Zeke."

"What?" Katie exclaimed. "But we need him for this challenge!"

"Too bad! Ezekiel needs to be with his lovely girlfriend!"

"Heather?" Justin asked, grimacing. "That's your definition of lovely?"

"Shut face, fancy face," the redhead snapped. "Now c'mon, Zeke!"

Ezekiel was a little too surprised to resist, until Izzy started pulling him out the window. Then he was actually resisting, but trying to keep a determined Izzy from her goal was like trying to stop an avalanche by holding your hand up to it.

The redhead carried the prairie boy out of the train, leaving the rest of his team shocked. Crystal recovered first, then said, "Well, what do we do now, chaps?"

Katie, trying to be helpful, fished some chap stick from her pocket and offered it to Crystal, which confused her. The sweet girl tapped her fingers together in thought, then said, "Well, we have to do something... it's just you, me, Rodney, and Justin, really, since Colin's asleep on the floor."

Then her face lit up, and she clasped her hands. "Oh I have an idea! We could have Justin act out some of the scenes from New Moon! I'll be Bella, Justin will be Jacob!"

Crystal looked around nervously. "Um, I don't think that-"

"Oh c'mon, Crystal, you're all about love. The Twilight series is one of the most romantic series ever!"

Crystal was now looking all over the small compartment, as if an out-of-control bug had thoroughly caught her attention. Rodney actually started looking around for it too, confused. "What's Twilight?" he asked.

"It's a love story of a girl who falls in love with a vampire, but also has a werewolf who likes her," Katie explained.

Rodney grimaced, and replied to how most kids (well, most people) would, "Eww."

(Janitor's Closet - Twilight is upon us.)

Katie - *giggling* "Okay, so, like, there's this thing, with, like Twilight, and Sadie is, like, so over that thing too, and it's, like, so, like, cool! I get, like, oh-so-girly whenever Twilight gets mentioned, because I'm, like, so-"

(She goes on like this for, like, quite a while.)

Crystal - "I didn't want to say anything, because I've learned the hard way what happens when you upset the wrong Twilight fan. Although I don't think Katie would start hitting me with one of the books and shouting about how I was saying hearsay. Bloody heck, those fan girls that are at my school can be mean."

Justin - *raising an eyebrow* "Turns out to act like Jacob, you take your shirt off, let a girl rub against you, but don't make any kind of move. I really hope Beth doesn't get into that."

Colin - "I was asleep most of that stupid train ride. Why do I have the words 'paperback writer' stuck in my head, and the thought of books? Really dark books, too!"

(Team 2 - Eva, Cody, Noah, Anita, Sadie, Lindsay)

"It's a thousand pages, give or take a few. I'll be writing more in a week."

Anita beamed at Cody. "Wow, you wrote that much about your experiences on Total Drama?"

"I've been asking a lot of people for comments and such. Writing is a pastime of mine, always been helpful when brainstorming."

Eva, trying desperately to jump in on the conversation, added, "So, um, what's it about, this writing stuff?"

"Oh, it's about my experiences, as well as others. Been kind of harrowing, since most people hate talking about this show when they're on it. But I figured if I make some edited version, I could sell it to those gossip magazines, make some money."

"Ooo, like Star Stalker? Lindsay gushed, her eyes lighting up. "I love that magazine! Could you mention me?"

"And me, me," Sadie chanted, raising her hand. The two girls were practically bouncing up and down in excitement, movement that was quite distracting to Cody, who had to be fascinated with the window to avoid being too distracted.

"Sounds fair, you all can have your two cents."

"Count me out," Noah, on the opposite side alone, grumbled as he stared at the wall. "I can list a great many things I'd rather do to myself than be published in a gossip magazine."

"Like what?" Lindsay asked, curious.

"They are all too painful and gruesome to mention. The creators of the Saw series would be horrified."

Eva chuckled lightly. "Yeah, me too."

Cody looked over at her, and she nervously looked around, trying to find some way to recover from that slip. As she struggled, Lindsay was scooting over to Noah. "So," she said, cocking her head to the side and looking at him softly, "why don't you want to be in Star Stalker magazine?"

"Because they're not a real magazine," he grumbled. "They basically report on other peoples' lives, people who I have no interest or common ground with. What do I care what an actress who never got through high school says on world events?"

Lindsay tapped her fingers together. "Is this because they wrote an article about how you're most likely gay?"

"WHAT?!"

Noah's shout started the others, except Lindsay, who continued. "Yeah, they even had a compatibility table with you and the other TDI guys. They said Duncan and Cody were good matches, but I personally thought that they underscored Tyler."

The egghead was now bashing his head against the side of the wall, grumbling, "Help."

Lindsay bat her eyes as she listened to him chant, and added, "I personally think that you are most cute with Katie, but if you ever break up with her, you should consider asking out Sadie. Or Justin."

"The anti-me?!" Noah exclaimed.

Anita made a negative noise and shook her head. "Naw, I always thought he'd be nice with Gwen. Or Trent."

Noah was slamming his head against the wall harder now, Anita giggling while Eva smirked.

(Janitor's Closet - Noah needs somebody, not just anybody.)

Anita - "I know it was kind of mean, but it's so much fun to tease Noah. You try teasing Cody, he just gives you that cute, goofy grin and dismisses it. We all know that adorable horn dog is straight." *She giggles more.* "Oh, I'm so mean."

Eva - "I could care less if Noah is straight or gay. Could you ever see me paired up with him? You think I wanna hold his hand?"

Sadie - "If Katie did break up with Noah, I think I would like to hold his hand! Katie always tells me how much she wants to hold his hand!"

Cody - "I guess it's only fair that the girls get to tease us guys about what other guys we can be paired with. You can take a little yaoi-obsessed fan girl, but just a little, you want them to still want to kiss them more." *He winks and points at the camera, clicking his tongue.*

Noah - "Gossip magazines, talking about my love life, watching those two girls try to get more of Cody's attention. I'll tell you something, and I think you'll understand: the nausea makes me wanna hold a barf bag. Or a bucket."

(Team 3 - DJ, Izzy, Mandy, Alfred, Xander, Sebastian)

"Aw, my Izzy, why did you leave me?" Alfred said sadly, staring out the window. "We were having a good time talking to."

"You had to mention Ezekiel, and that seized the idea," Mandy remarked. "And it's really a shame, you guys are getting to be a little boring."

"I is not the boring," he protested before opening the window and dangled out of it again. "Hey guys, did you know," his shouting barely heard from the outside now, "that the sides of this train are filthy?"

"Shameful," Xander said with a roll of his eyes and a smirk. "But I doubt your train criticism is making you more alluring in Izzy's eyes."

Sebastian corrected his glasses. "Really? On my humble opinion, I think most of us guys here wouldn't really stand a chance anyway."

"What do you mean?" DJ asked him.

Sebastian tapped Mandy on her shoulder. "Excuse me, Mandy, but what do you believe to be the highest priority of mankind?"

"Convenient graveyards, because they're all gonna die."

"What guideline should every being try to follow?"

"Try not to be a tempting sacrifice."

"If you were trapped on an island and only one item, what would it be?"

"A book of ancient spells so that I could prevent the Old Gods from consuming me while the rest of the world dies pitifully."

Sebastian smiled and turned back to DJ. "And there you go."

Alfred, who had popped back in to hear all this, looked at Mandy and asked, "What's your favorite color?"

"Dark green."

"Ooo, good choice. Any particular reason?"

"Matches my snake's skin."

She reached down into her top, then pulled out a rather long snake. "Devour here loves to coil around my stomach, and I thought it would be all right to bring him on this ride-"

Mandy's explanation for another of her weird pets was interrupted when DJ let out a high-pitched scream and scrambled back. In his haste to make room between him and the reptile, he knocked Xander over. The rebel fell backwards, his feet flying up in the air and catching Alfred under his chin. The gonzo thus fell right into Mandy, and not comfortably either. Devour was thrown from her hands and hit DJ in the face.

Needless to say, it got worse from there.

(Janitor's Closet - OMG, ohmahGaw, snake was in her BRA!) [1]

Mandy - *reading the message next to the camera* " 'How many pets?' Well, I have my rats, Devour the snake, a ferret, a chameleon, and the raccoon who lives around my house is practically mind, since he sometimes come into my room at night to sleep in my bed."

DJ - "She's almost like a lady Dr. Doolittle, except she carries a satanic blade and wants all of Earth to die." *He shivers.* "Very not cool, dude."

Xander - "Alfred seems determined to impress those two very wild girls. Well, if he lives, I say kudos to him."

Alfred - "I'm gonna get me a girlfriend, and all I gotta do is... act naturally!" *He winks at the camera and pumps his fists in the air.* "I love this show!"

Sebastian - "Most people would think it'd be silly to get dizzy with Miss Izzy, or well adore Mandy, but hey dude, don't make it sound bad if he loves her."

*He blinks, then looks around.* "Okay, something really weird is going on, and I blame the train."

(Team 4 - Geoff, Trent, Sakaki, Heather, Valerie)

Sakaki wondered if there was any way to hide under the seat cushions, or up in the luggage rack. Anywhere would be better than here, even the top of the train (which, coincidentally, was where Izzy and Ezekiel were walking)!

But no, she was stuck in the room with an increasingly hostile, verbal disagreement between Heather and Valerie, and a conversation between Geoff and Trent that just seemed to get more and more awkward.

"What do you mean her favorite color is red?" Geoff exclaimed to Trent with surprise. "I always thought it was blue, like the ocean and her hoodie!"

"No, it's because of sunsets. She's watched them since she was a child after a long day of surfing," Trent explained, smiling. "A cherry red is truly her favorite color."

To everyone else, Trent was just telling things about his new sister-in-law, and it seemed perfectly fine. To Geoff, he was bragging that he knew so much more about Bridgette, no matter how much he tried to convince himself. So far, he had been wrong about his girlfriend's birthday, her favorite movie and TV show, what gum flavor she preferred, her favorite music artist, and what her mother's name was.

Even Sakaki was getting a one-up on Geoff unintentionally. "She's terrified to be alone in the woods," she pointed out. "Remember the phobia challenge?"

"I was too busy being chased by a hail cloud," Geoff remarked, glaring at Trent briefly, surprising the musician.

Meanwhile, Valerie and Heather were exchanging rather biting comments.

"You bite."

"You totally eat."

"You munch it big time."

"You chew everything up."

"Pig!"

"Cow!"

Trent clapped his hands loudly. "Well, who's hungry?" he exclaimed nervously.

"Just shut up, Trent," Heather snapped. "This woman," she thrust a finger accusingly at Valerie, "is conspiring to get me voted off."

"Oh, if the kettle ever called the pot black," Valerie hummed, drumming her fingers on her arm, "but I'll have you know, I have many allies already, whilst you have none. Even Trent here would vote for who I want instead of you."

"Trent this, Trent that," Geoff exclaimed, covering his ears. "Dude, all I ever hear these days is Trent!"

Valerie scoffed and waved her hand. "Of course, it's only expected that people hate you, Heather. But I think what would make you really mad is if we voted off your new boyfriend, hu-"

The political girl never finished the threat, as Heather had launched herself at her, wrestling her to the ground. "Don't you dare," she shrieked, "threaten my boyfriend!"

Geoff and Trent shrunk up in their respective corners, and Sakaki hid behind Trent.

(Janitor's Closet - Got a good reason for hiding from the fight now.)

Geoff - "All I ever about is Trent from Bridgette, and everyone else. Eight days a week, it's about Trent! Is he trying to make himself better than me, trying to make me love my girl? He's making a point of it..."

Sakaki - "How come I never get paired up with nice, calm, quiet people? Like, say..." *she ponders for a second, then sighs* "There really isn't anyone quiet in this show besides me, is there?"

Heather - *still slightly ruffled* "I know people hate me, I can really live with that. I've lived with it ever since the day I became popular at school, it comes with the job. But what I won't have is Ezekiel's chances ruined because he's with me!"

Valerie - "She is so going down! I'm getting everyone to vote her off next chance I get! I know I have Trent's support at the least, as well as Zachary."

Trent - "I really don't want to vote for whoever Valerie wants, because not only are alliances bad things, but she seems, if possible worse than Heather. The ballad of Heather and Valerie, you know that ain't easy, you know how hard this'll be?" *He drums his fingers on his chin.*

(Team 5 - Joel, Carol, Clive, Arthur, Bridgette)

"You know, I love talking to you on the phone," Joel said, "and I usually hate phone conversations."

Hannah giggled on the other side. "Then why do you have such an incredible phone, mister?"

"The gizmos and such that can be on it. Like that iPhone I gave you? I downloaded a ton of games and such on it, you should do it if your roommates there get a little bit too distressing."

A high-pitched yelp from Courtney on Hannah's end made Joel flinch slightly. "What was that?" he asked.

"Oh, um, the others are punishing Courtney. Right now, Leshawna's snapping her bra, and she practically stretched it across the room."

"Yipes. So I guess they're leaving you alone now?"

"Yep, how about you?"

Joel looked up to see Carol, Arthur, Bridgette, and Clive all staring at him and his phone. He could practically see their ears twitching, trying to pick up the entirety of the phone conversation. The inventor sighed and said, "Oh, they're keeping themselves busy too."

Arthur glanced over at Clive and joked, "Do I detect a hint of resentment in his voice?"

"Who wouldn't resent us, and every person on the planet?" Clive grumbled. "Every person on this planet is out to get you, so you should resent other people when they try to infiltrate your personal space?"

Arthur groaned and shook his head. "But you're listening in too."

"I have nothing else better to do."

Bridgette sighed and shook her head. "We should really be more considerate of Joel and Hannah, guys. Maybe we shouldn't listen in on their cell phone conversation-"

"Oh my," Hannah exclaimed from the other end. "Now Gwen's giving Courtney a wet-willie!"

Bridgette almost fell out of her seat with the amount of leaning forward she did to get a better hearing of the conversation. Carol shrugged and sat back in her seat.

"Not exactly a cell phone conversation worth listening in," she muttered. "If any American agents are listening in, they're going to be solely disappointed."

"Dude, America wouldn't be listening in on teenagers in Canada," Arthur replied. "Anyway, we're Canada, what harm could we do to them?"

"That's what makes us so dangerous," Carol said with an impish grin. "We're the ones we least expect. That's why I want to join the Canadian army, because when we take over the world, I want to be on the front-line when we stomp on our enemies!"

The others might have replied before someone knocked on the window. Izzy was hanging upside-down and looking in, giving everyone in the compartment a scare.

"What's going on in there, Joel?" Hannah asked her friend.

"Izzy's knocking at the window, I think she wants to come in," Joel blurted out, gaping at the redhead.

The psycho girl's mouth was moving, but even though it looked that she was shouting, they couldn't hear her. What she was saying was, "Okay, I'm fairly certain Heather is in there! Now go in there and be with your woman, my Zeke!"

The window was yanked open from the outside (don't ask us how she did that), and Ezekiel was thrown in. With a yelp of surprise from the sudden actions, the prairie boy landed on the girl that Izzy aimed at, knocking them to the ground. The redhead had targeted all this from her upside-down, hazy look into the room.

Rather needless to say, this resulted in a very awkward situation.

Ezekiel stared down at Bridgette as he collected his bearings, and quickly realized how intimate this could be perceived. Struggling to get up, he hadn't expected Carol to jump in shouting, "Surprise Canadian Attack on American Infiltrator!"

Clive launched himself at Carol to stop her two-fisted attack, knocking them onto Ezekiel. Bridgette cried out as the weight of three people collapsed on her, pressing her rather closely to her prairie friend.

As the four struggled, Izzy crawled in the room, and took note of the situation. "Oops," she muttered. "Heather must be in the room next to us."

Joel stared at all this with wide eyes, then cleared his throat and said to Hannah, "Just a couple infiltrators starting a twister game, Hannah, nothing really."

(Janitor's Closet - Everybody's trying to tackle my baby.)

Arthur - "Yesterday, insanity seemed so far away, now it seems it's here to say!" *He groans and covers his face with one hand.* "Izzy actually climbed onto the train and threw Ezekiel in? Who plans that kind of stuff?"

Clive - "Yesterday, all my troubles were right here with me, now it seems they'll fester up and bloom today."

Carol - "Yesterday... actually, yesterday was when we were fighting zombies, right? Well, that was fine! All you need is killing zombies and a good train ride!" *She smiles as if that is perfectly understandable.*

Bridgette - "A lot of people tease me about my relationship with Ezekiel, even when they know I'm with Geoff. Zeke's a sweetheart, but he doesn't know as much about me as Geoff does." *She giggles innocently.*

Izzy and Ezekiel - Ezekiel - "So you're not going to tell Heather you threw me on top of Bridgette, eh?"

Izzy - "Only if you don't tell everyone what terrible aim I have!" *She tickles at his sides, causing him to flinch.* "Don't you worry, with a little help from your friends, you'll be able to twist and shout with your girlfriend!"

Ezekiel - *blushing* "Um, I'm not sure I want to knoo' what you mean when you say that, eh." *He scratches the back of his head as she cackles and grins.*

(Team 6 - Gwen, Tyler, Hannah, Courtney, Leshawna)

"No, don't you dare," Courtney shrieked as she swatted at Gwen's hands. "I'll sue, I'll ruin you! I'll... ahahahahaaaa! Ha ha ha ha! Don't! Wha ha ha ha ha!"

The goth girl's were fiercely tickling the underside of Courtney's feet, and the CIT was thrashing in Leshawna's firm hold. Unable to free herself, she continued to bounce and try to kick her feet, laughing hysterically.

"I wonder if they use this on terrorists too," Tyler said above Courtney's laughter. "Seems effective."

The tickle torture continued as Hannah shrunk up in her corner, trying to communicate with Joel. He was wondering what Courtney was so happy about, and she was trying to explain without directly looking at the scene.

Tears came to Courtney's eyes from the strain, but it wasn't enough for the vengeful trio. Gwen reached up and started tickling Courtney's sides, a very sensitive place for some. Unfortunately for the CIT, her sides were particularly vulnerable to this kind of tickling. She shrieked and thrashed, but Leshawna wasn't letting go.

Hannah tried to talk to Joel during this, but eventually Courtney's garbled combination of hysterical laughter and pleads for a halt made it too hard to concentrate. "Could you please be less noisy as you torture her?" she asked politely. "I'm on the phone here."

"Sorry, sugar," Leshawna apologized, letting go of Courtney. The CIT struggled and stepped away from the two girls.

"You both," she panted, trying to straighten out her clothes and hair, "are so dead. My lawyer will soup your plants! I mean, he'll pants the suit off of you! This suit-law..."

She tried to continue before Gwen waved her hand and asked loudly, "We're done with you, you manipulative witch. What's next?"

"Oh I know," Tyler exclaimed from behind Courtney. "When my sisters and I used to rough house!"

The athlete reached into the back of Courtney's pants, gripped her underwear, and yanked up. The high-pitched shriek from the CIT caused a crack in the train compartment's window.

"Whoa, sounds like someone's got a career as a warning siren," Gwen cackled, pointing and laughing at their victim. Leshawna covered her mouth to stop from laughing.

"I'm gonna...," Courtney tried to say, but was biting her bottom lip too hard to say anything.

Hannah sighed as she looked away from this. "No, someone isn't trying to kill a squeak toy," she explained to Joel, "these three are just giving Courtney a wedgie."

"All at the same time?" Joel asked in shock. "My, that's gotta hurt."

"And I gotta say, lacy black underwear isn't really Courtney's kind," Hannah added. "Heaven knows why she's wearing something like that."

(Janitor's Closet - Dizzy Miss Wedgie!)

Courtney - "Not that it's anyone's business about my underwear color, but Duncan and I have a secret date tonight! I cannot believe those three, of all the immature... poopy-heads out there! P.S., I'm suing them!"

Gwen - "I truly think Courtney needs a lot more humiliation than what we provided. She's got such a big ego and a sharp mouth, you wanna smack her hard to knock at least some of that attitude out!"

Leshawna - "Yeah, maybe we were a little too harsh on Courtney, though I know my girlfriend Gwen disagrees. Truth be told, since I had to raise my siblings, I had to paddle them when they were really wrecking themselves. But I didn't want to do that to Courtney, that'd be all over the internet in minutes!"

Tyler - "I think I can forgive Courtney now. She should be flattered, we couldn't keep our hands off of her!" *He laughs, slaps his knee, loses balance and falls onto to the floor.*

Joel and Hannah - Joel - "I'm glad that you enjoy your new phone, but I'm sorry if I distracted you from your team and your goal to win."

Hannah - "Aw, you were much more fun than watching a rather sad torture session."

Joel - *He pumps his fists into the air.* "By the Walrus Kookookachoo, score one for me!"

(Team 7 - Beth, Yoshi, Harold, Howard, Belinda, Zachary)

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are they there yet?"

"No."

"Are they there yet?"

"N-... wait, what?"

Yoshi looked at Beth, who had been chanting the usual phrase and suddenly changed it to something else, with questioning eyes. The farm girl pointed at Belinda and Howard, him getting closer millimeter by millimeter.

"I wage 9.69 millimeters more before she has to scoot away from him again," Harold said, tapping his glasses to give himself a cool look. Beth looked at him with marvel, then the sudden shift of body and clothes diverted her attention back to Belinda and Howard. She had shifted, just as Harold had predicted.

"Like clockwork," the nerd said with a grin. "A true guy just how close a girl wants you to be with her after a certain amount of relationship has been pertained."

"Wow," Beth exclaimed, clapping her hands. "I didn't get any of that, but it sounded so cool."

"Maybe the white girl wants a real man?" Zachary asked, tapping his chest with his finger. "She's totally my type."

"How so?" Yoshi grumbled, looking away.

"She's hot."

The warrior rolled his eyes and looked out the window. "Whatever. None of this is helping us win the contest."

Harold snapped his fingers in realization. "That's right! Here, I think I got another magic trick up my sleeve."

"No no no," Yoshi pleaded as Harold began to reach up his sleeve. "Please Harold."

"I'm actually with white boy here," Zachary replied, jerking his thumb back at Yoshi. "No magic tricks, other white boy."

"I swear to God, you call me 'white boy' one more time..."

Yoshi's fists were trembling and, without his sword and losing his temper, he was starting to look seriously dangerous. The warrior didn't have enough time to say more as Harold pulled something that was on fire out of his sleeve.

"This time it worked," Harold exclaimed happily. "I have conjured fire without flint and tinder because I... am an enchanter!"

Beth clapped a great deal, while most of the others gave polite applause. Belinda added, "Oh, and your sleeve is on fire."

Harold looked down to see that, indeed, his clothes had caught fire. Beth and Zachary cried out in fear, but the nerd held up his hands calmly.

"No problem, the best course of action is, naturally, to stop, drop, and roll," he explained. Proceeding to do so, he rolled on the floor to put out his sleeve fire. In the process, the floor of their room caught fire.

"Waugh," Howard exclaimed, jumping up to stamp on the fire. "Stupid, cheap train floors!"

Zachary took to spitting on the fire to put it out. "What?" he said to the odd looks he was getting. "It's cool to put fires out with your spit, you look cool."

"Ewww," Beth groaned.

Yoshi rolled his eyes and stomped on one last fire. This heavy stomp on the weakened floor caused it to cave in, and he fell through. Wedged in the broken floor at the waist, he could almost feel the rush of the rail tracks millimeters from his feet.

Then someone had to ask it.

"You okay, dude?" Howard asked, staring at the suspended teenager in the floor.

Yoshi gave him a very unbalanced stare as Belinda came over to start pulling him up.

(Janitor's Closet - Help!)

Yoshi - "And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. A day in the life of being on a reality show, which I was foolish enough to sign up for. I signed up for combat and rivalry and sportsmanship, and instead I'm stuck halfway through a train, quite literally, with people not sensible enough to pull me out!"

Zachary - *laughing and slapping his knee* "That stupid swordsman, what a hoser! In spite of all the danger, he still just rolls his eyes whenever anyone says anything to him."

Beth - *rolling her eyes* " 'You okay, dude?' Sheesh, Howard, you could have pulled him out of the hole first before asking him his current condition. Silly boys."

Howard - "Man, that train ride was awesome! I got to talk to Belinda the entire time, and she was so friendly and direct with me. There's hope, people, there's hope, not like the night before! I wonder what she'd say if she knew I was gonna try asking her out next chance I get."

Belinda - *shaking her finger at the camera* "Mean Mr. Mustard." [2]

(Maclean Stadium, Camera Room)

Chris Maclean, doting host he is, was sitting back in a chair, eating popcorn as he watched the screens in front of him. Chef Hatchet seemed to be actually studying them, as Duncan spied from behind.

"That creep Tyler is picking on Courtney," Duncan snarled, pointing at the screen where said picking was going on. "I'll get him for that!"

"Leshawna and Gwen are doing it too," Chris commented with a mouthful of popcorn.

"Man, I don't mind watching other girls getting their hands on my princess,"

"Damn it, Duncan, this is a family show, so shut the hell up with the dirty talk, you douche bag," the host grumbled.

Duncan raised an eyebrow (or at least part of his unibrow) at this, but Chef Hatchet waved as if to fan it away. "He's been bitter ever since one of his better jokes was censored when the joke was sent over to America."

"Shouldn't mail jokes to America then, keep 'em to yourself," Duncan cracked. "So how you deciding who wins?"

"Simple. There are two of us, Chef and myself, we split the amount of choices between us."

"But there's seven teams, and you said there were two losers. You cannot divide five by two."

"You can't?" Chef asked, looking surprised. He started counting on his fingers as Chris shrugged.

"I'm host, I get the larger amount of choices, so four for me."

Chef, still counting on his digits, realized those digits didn't sound fair. He began arguing with Chris, eventually taking the very mature route of grabbing handfuls of the host's popcorn and stuffing his face with it. Mr. Maclean pansy-slapped at him to get him to stop, then eventually dunked the bucket on Chef's head and crossed his arms in a huff.

Duncan rolled his eyes, and took a rolling glance at each team. Team 1 had Justin with his shirt off, reciting Jacob's lines from New Moon, with Katie forcing Crystal to be a very nervous and unsteady Bella (which is how most girls who realized a nice guy is a werewolf would be).

Team 2 had Lindsay chatting Noah up about the gossip magazine, with the bookworm pacing up and down the room chatting, "Lalala, I can't hear you," and the blonde wasn't taking that hint. Cody was trying to talk to Eva and Anita, but Noah's loud protest for silence was making it hard.

Team 3 was a natural disaster, consisting of flailing limbs, pained cries and frantic screams, and crashing bodies. Mandy was desperately trying to keep her snake Devour safe (he was actually the calmest of the bunch) as Xander's foot accidentally caught her in the gut, and a panicking DJ jumped on Alfred, who crashed into Sebastian and all three into the wall.

Team 4 had Heather and Valerie still wrestling, both looking rather furious. Sakaki still hid behind Trent, who tried not to look at the cat fight; however, every time he looked away, Geoff's sulky, angry stare met him, and he looked away.

Team 5 had Ezekiel and Izzy struggling to get him off of Bridgette, but Carol was not making it easy with her continued attacks (Anti-Spy Tackle, Sure-Hit Don't-Touch-Me Slap, Get Off the Surfer You're Taken Mr. Prairie Boy). Clive was wailing about how life was just like this, while Joel had to cover his free ear to talk to Hannah ("I don't know why they're still struggling over there, but by the Village of the Giants, I ain't going over there!")

Team 6 was now giving Courtney a vicious noogie. Hannah was trying hard to ignore this, but the continuous threats of lawsuits from the CIT were making it hard to. Every time the religious girl wanted to step in to stop, Courtney would start using some rather coarse language, and Hannah decided to let the punishment continue. After all, maybe getting an Indian rub would teach her not to use those kinds of words. [3]

Team 7 was now struggling to pull Yoshi out of the hole, Belinda and Harold using all of their strength. The situation was getting worse as the floor had collapsed around Beth, and the farm girl was now stuck in the middle of the floor too; Howard made sure to ask her if she was all right before helping pull her up from certain death.

Duncan sighed as he watched the teams compete, as Chef Hatchet took the popcorn bucket from his head and starting Chris with it. The host pelted his co-host with his snack food, while the only one interested in the actual contest was someone who had already been kicked off it.

"Man, this is one insane train," Duncan commented. "Makes you wonder which teams could possibly lose when there is this much chaos."

"Oh, I already picked three," Chris muttered, somewhat distracted by his fight with Chef.

"I picked two that deserve to win too," Chef retaliated, jamming the bucket onto Chris's head.

(Janitor's Closet - Sgt. Hatchet's Lonely Choice Club Band!)

Chris Maclean - *with the popcorn bucket still on his head* "Tell me why... I still keep that big oaf as my co-host. I should hire someone else, and that, from what I've heard, every former judge of American Idol has quit..."

Duncan - "Courtney really should be able to defend herself. If she's so tough, I should ask her if she wants our date tonight to be in the road. No one will be watching..." *He grins and wiggles his fingers mischievously.*

Chef Hatchet - *brushing popcorn off him* "We all live in a mellow, sub-par scene, compared to a real combat zone. Rather be onboard a yellow submarine, though I don't know why."

Lindsay - *thoroughly confused* "Ever since that silly challenge on the train, I've had this weird desire to say things I wouldn't normally say while here in the confessional... place. Harold and Rodney said they'd explain it to me, but they lost me after..."

*She stops, then looks around, trying to remember where she got lost.* "Um..." *she looks at the camera, then extends her hand and smiles at it* "Lend me your comb, Mr. Camera, I need to look good for TV!"

--

--

--

So who did Chris Maclean pick to win? Who did Chef Hatchet pick to win?

Which two teams are the losing ones, and who is going to be voted off of them?

And I don't know why you say good-bye, I say hello. And I feel fine, do you?

[1] - "OMG, ohmahGaw, snake was in her BRA!" is sung to the tune of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Dah. Whatever that song is supposed to be, either.

[2] - "Mean Mr. Mustard" is really the name of a Beatles song. I swear I'm not making that up, and if you're wondering, "Why would Belinda say that," it's because she just wants to mention a song no one else would.

[3] - For all the Courtney fans, yes Courtney would swear something awful if provoked. Don't believe me? Look at her audition tape.

--

Team 1 - Katie, Ezekiel, Justin, Rodney, Colin, Crystal

Team 2 - Noah, Lindsay, Sadie, Eva, Anita, Cody

Team 3 - Izzy, Mandy, DJ, Xander, Sebastian, Alfred

Team 4 - Geoff, Trent, Heather, Valerie, Sakaki

Team 5 - Bridgette, Joel, Clive, Carol, Arthur

Team 6 - Hannah, Courtney, Gwen, Leshawna, Tyler

Team 7 - Belinda, Howard, Zachary, Yoshi, Beth, Harold

--

Next Up - With the next voting ceremony comes the beginning of a sinister plan...