A/N: Hey everyone~ I managed to get this one done pretty quick XD Hopefully I can kick my muse into gear for the other ones too. Though I am starting college again in three days so I might not write much as I try to get used to it again.

Anyway this story was requested by zulqar95 and I will admit I had a lot of fun writing it XD Hopefully you'll see why Sabo isn't included~

Now, on to The Ultimate Embarrassment For Fifteen Year Old Ace And Curly Dadan! Also known as 'The Talk'.

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.

"Ace. We need to talk."

The young freckled teenager looked over his shoulder with an irritated scowl before looking back to where his brothers were excitedly chattering about the trip up the mountain they had been planning for a while. Luffy had wanted to test his control over inflating himself and his oh so clever plan was to keep hurling himself from the top of the mountain until inflating himself became instinctive once airborne. Sabo and Ace were going along as moral support (and to laugh/fret themselves stupid over Luffy's recklessness).

"Can't it wait Old Hag? Luffy's really excited about this trip and we've already stocked you up on enough meat to last a week."

"It's not that." Dadan coughed, a blush starting to make its way up her cheeks as she noticed the other bandits huddled in the corner waving flags and quietly whispering words of support. She was not cut out for this. Why did Ace even need to know this stuff already?

"There's something important you need to know as you grow up and Magra believes it is high time you knew about it."

Ace blinked in confusion but his intrigue made him set down his travel bag and sit down in front of her. After all, what could Dadan know that was so important? Besides, she had never really cared about his education beforehand. The most she taught him was how to fend for himself. Makino taught him manners and Sabo was still teaching him how to read and write, though he had progressed a long way since he was six. For as long as he could remember Sabo had always been the one teaching him new things so why the heck had Dadan waited fifteen years to teach him about whatever this important thing was?

Dadan coughed into her hand, trying to think of a way to start as Ace's eyes peered curiously at her.

"Well you're fifteen now, a young man. And as I'm sure you've noticed by now your body is changing and growing as you get older."

She coughed again to stall. This really was too embarrassing. Especially with Ace sitting right across from her, head tilted in adorable confusion. Ace on the other hand was wondering where Dadan was going with this. He had noticed his body changing, noticed the marks on his skin from it stretched as he grew, had noticed that there was less of a discernible height difference between Sabo and himself. He had also noticed more...embarrassing...things to think about such as the difference in a part of his anatomy that was situated between his legs. There was a reason they all bathed separately now after all (they had been since Ace and Sabo had become thirteen and these changes had really started to show themselves).

"...you mean like the time Sabo refused to speak for a week because his voice was going all funny?" he asked, remembering how much it had scared Sabo to hear his voice change so much without him actually mimicking anyone.

"Yes exactly like that." Dadan latched on to this example like a dying sailor to a piece of driftwood, glad she wouldn't have to think of her own example to how Ace would change as he grew older.

"Then shouldn't Sabo be here too?" Ace asked, frowning slightly. If the changes that were affecting him needed to be talked about then surely Sabo, who was going through the same changes, would need to hear it as well.

"You can be the one to tell Sabo about this. I'm only cut out to inform one of you." She grumbled. She wasn't even cut out to tell Ace about this for crying out loud. It was times like this when she wished Makino lived with them as well; at least the other woman would have been able to get through this talk with her dignity and composure still intact!

"Why? What's so important that I have to tell Sabo about it but you can't?" Poor Ace was only getting more and more confused, and more and more frustrated with every second she stalled. He was in a hurry after all.

"Listen Ace there are some things you'll start to notice as you grow older. Mainly involving your...your..." Dadan swallowed nervously, hunting around in her head for a less embarrassing term than just outright saying 'your penis'.

"Your family jewels, let's just say that."

Almost at once Ace's face lit up in a fiery blush and he stared in wide-eyed embarrassment at an equally red Dadan. Why the hell was Dadan having a talk about his dick with him? What the hell was supposed to happen to it? Suddenly he was very glad that Sabo wasn't next to him at this moment of time. It would have been unbelievably awkward to have his brother here with him to discuss this.

"W-what the hell Old Hag? W-why is that important?"

"As you get older-" Dadan ploughed on, shutting her eyes and wishing she had about ten bottles of sake to get through this talk with.

"-you may start noticing things that make your family jewels react in certain ways. Whether they be a person's looks or anything thing else that makes them attractive towards you."

Ace stared at her in horror as he tried to press himself into the floor, wanting nothing more than the ground to swallow him up to escape this embarrassing hell.

"Say you really really like someone, and I mean you really like them sometimes you will start to feel uncomfortable down there and you'll see a reaction happen when your...your family jewels start to...to grow and get more uncomfortable or...stand to attention as it were." By this time Dadan had her head in her hands and was physically trying to force the words out of her mouth. She did not want to explain getting an erection to a young man who she helped bathe and change as a baby. This must be karma for being such an awful foster mother during the earlier years of Ace's life and it was now all coming back to bite her in the arse.

Ace on the other hand was staring imploringly at the snickering bandits, wishing that any of them would give him an escape from this humiliation.

"...Now if the person you really like is a woman then some things might lead to another and you might end up having what we call 'sex' with her. You can also have sex with a man but if you have sex with a woman then there is a chance of her getting pregnant and producing a child."

"But I don't want a kid." Ace protested, pulling his face from the floor to look at Dadan like she was insane. Sure the idea of raising a kid might be appealing and sweet but he couldn't curse an innocent child with his blood; couldn't condemn it to the life his father condemned him to.

"Well then if you have sex with a woman make sure you're protected and she is too. You can wear something called a 'condom' which I'm going to make someone else explain to you because I don't even want to be doing this whilst a woman can take a pill to prevent a child from being formed in her womb."

"Why can't she just take the pill and be done with it?"

"Because it's not just her responsibility." Dadan snapped, frowning a little at the reluctant confusing and curiosity in Ace's eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that when you make a child it requires something from the man called sperm which, through sex, travels into the woman's womb and into the tubes connected to her ovaries in the hopes of finding an egg and fertilising it. Sometimes this doesn't happen and sometimes it does and it's impossible to tell right away. A condom prevents sperm from entering a woman's body but they can sometimes be flimsy and break which is why is a man wears one and a woman takes the pill it reduces the chance of a baby almost completely."

"So the guy is responsible as well is what you're saying?"

"Yes."

"Okay, can I go now? I need to go drown myself." Ace pleaded, face burning in mortification as he inched towards the door.

"Oh don't be so dramatic."Dadan grumbled, though she was very close to shooting herself for letting Magra talk her into this. "You still don't know how to have sex and you don't know anything about the dangers or how to have sex with a guy-"

"I'll ask if I want to know." Ace shouted, clapping his hands to his ears and bolting for the door, not wanting to stay another minute to listen to such an embarrassing topic.

"What's the matter with you?" Sabo asked as Ace rushed down to meet them, face burning and looking like he was about to be sick.

"N-nothing." Ace squeaked, mind flashing back to Dadan telling him he'd have to be the one to tell Sabo about all of that. Fat chance in hell of that happening. Ace didn't think he could stand talking to Sabo about sex and body stuff; Sabo's curiosity would most likely mean asking questions that Ace didn't know the answer to and would most likely make him even more embarrassed than before.

"Ace looks like he's going to puke." Luffy pointed out helpfully, watching his big brother with wide, concerned eyes.

"He does." Sabo agreed, reaching forward to check his temperature only for his eyes to widen in surprise as Ace pulled away from him in a panic.

Ace backed away from his brothers, stuffing his hands in his shorts and his mind raced with what Dadan had just told him. He did not want anything happening to his dick around his brothers. After all he liked the both of them more than anyone else and Dadan said that his dick would 'stand to attention' around people he really liked. But so far he wasn't feeling uncomfortable down there, just uncomfortable embarrassment everywhere else.

"Maybe we should go see Dadan and Magra?" Luffy suggested, thinking all Ace needed was some medicine. Neither of them expected the high pitched scream Ace emitted as he raced away from them towards the mountain.

"You'll never take me alive! I'm never going back there; Never!"

"Ace what's wrong? If you're sick you need medicine!"

"Ace slow down! We can't keep up!"

Both his younger brothers tore after him in worried concern, wondering dazedly what could have happened to Ace to get him to scream like that.

A/N: Ahh poor Ace, so confused and embarrassed~ Hope you liked this incredibly awkward little story and that you look forward to the next story: Mama Marco's Daycare! R&R~

Thewibblywobblywolf- Well I should be back for a while when I'm not in lessons/ writing so hopefully there's no need to worry~ Though sorry about my latest spree of messages :p I'm glad I managed to surprise you :) I love their relationship so much because they obviously care a lot abou each other no matter how much they try and hide it. I always loved the idea of Ace writing to Dadan for advice though he'd try really hard to make it sound like he wasn't asking for her advice at all. But yes, autocorrect was messing around a bit but I think I've managed to sort it out. And I hope you liked this awkward mess of a story, it was a lot of fun to write XD

YaoiChick1- No, it didn't quite work out for him did it? Sabo and Ace will write to Luffy and not only relay their on thoughts but also the thoughts of the whole family as they will be the only ones able to get their letters to him until he gets a den den mushi; then they're going to call him to complain/brag. After the Episode of Sabo I think everyone needs a bit of cheering up (something a friend of mine has not yet figured out) so I hope this chapter did that for you XD

DMCP- Not for British English there isn't. Compiling only has another L if it's the American spelling. Don't know why but there you go~ But yes; they're all being adorable little shits and not telling their mothers the extent of the trouble they get into~ Luffy never remembered so it's unlikely that there'll be a collection of Luffy letters (he mainly sends back pictures whenever Ace or Sabo are sending a letter).

Ukeobsessed- I edited the credit so now it says your proper username. Sorry about that. But I'm glad you liked it~ Sabo was the one to actually remember to write and it was Makino who asked them to so they just started using that as a routine and Ace was saddled with writing to Dadan (though he really doesn't mind it~) Dadan has been with him since he was a baby so I always thought he'd want to at least let her know about his decision if not ask for her advice on it. Poor Garp :'( but he does know they love him (or at least, he has an idea that they do). But yes, Luffy must embarrass them some way after all the embarrassing things those two do to him XD I'm glad you liked it so much; thank you for suggesting it!

MissJenca- Happy it made you giggle XD The last letter was the hardest to write so I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for being so patient with me and I really am sorry that I'm going to be slow on updates for a while longer.

Mad Y u e- If you do then good luck getting through the badly written first chapters XD I'm glad you liked it though and I hope you like this too~

AnAngelandHisHunter- Thank you very much; I'm glad you liked it~