Disclaimer - All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, and the creators of TDI. No profit is being made in the making of the fanfiction. This alternate-universe episode of TDI contains stunts performed by written teens. Please don't try any of this at home. And if you're wondering where the next joke was in the last challenge's chapters, vampires suck the blood from the joke and I couldn't make a new one in time.
The Kobold Necromancer's Notes - Seems I made more than one reader upset with Hannah's elimination. Just to let you know, she's one of my favorites too; heck, I made her! So yes, I apologize to all her fans. Just please don't hate me, I'm not doing it to be mean.
Seems most of you hate the bad writing of Twilight the most. That's fine by me, though mine's still the glorification of predators being lovers. New poll as well, and this one is really important; you can add your opinion in your comments if you have more to say about it: what do you think about Total Drama Battlegrounds having fanon couples to replace some or all of the canon couples?
Warning - The following challenge contains lots of hormones in usage here! We will be experiencing kissing, hugging, groping, snogging, and loving. We also expect wardrobe malfunctions, boy-on-boy kissing and girl-on-girl kissing, so if this is the kind of stuff that upsets you, we are sorry to say that that is the kind of fan service is what drives the boat today.
Do not try any of this at home... oh, who are we kidding? Do it, just make sure your parents aren't there.
Chapter 27 - Take a Good Hard Look at the FAN SERVICE Boat!
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(Maclean Stadium, Cafeteria)
There was silence in the cafeteria. Normally, thirty-seven teenagers in the same room wouldn't be so quiet, but there was a reason for this, and that reason was mystery.
Few people could understand the results of the last trophy ceremony, and those that did didn't want to draw attention to themselves. So there was quiet talking, so quiet it could be considered whispering. The loudest thing was the glaring between Anita and Eva, who were sitting at each end of Cody. Eva's thoughts of ripping off the bombshell's head with her bare hands, and Anita's thoughts of hanging Eva at the gallows were so fervent, that Cody was getting mental images as a result of such; that disturbed him quite so.
He was starting to get worried when the cafeteria exploded with sound and rage.
The door was thrown open with enough force to embed the door handles into the wall, shattering the plaster that had been put up there the first time this happened. And the person responsible for said first time was also the culprit here.
Yoshi stood in the doorway, heaving and his eyes nearly bulging out in fury. The first thing to notice was that his hair was a mess, slick and stuck in ways not natural, and his topknot was missing. Second was that his fists were just fists, no sword in hand.
"ZACHARY CONTEH," he roared, his face red. "Where are you?! Where is my sword?!?"
The warrior searched the cafeteria until he found the culprit, who was snickering uncontrollably. Yoshi was going to grip his collar and shake him, but he couldn't will his fists to unclench. "Where is it?"
Zachary instead burst out laughing, and Yoshi started to make frustrated noises that implied he just might explode. Geoff, sitting nearby, started to giggle, and when the warrior rounded on him, he saw the party animal pointing at his head.
"Your... your hair, dude," he said, guffawing. Soon, several of the other teenagers were laughing. It would have spread more if the warrior didn't start to give people the evil eye.
"If you all are going to laugh at me because my hair, which was very important to me, has been utterly ruined, you'd better pray I don't find my sword!"
That shut everyone up. The warrior took several breaths, trying to contain himself. It was very difficult, when Zachary was still giggling at him. "Murder's still illegal in Canada," he repeated it to himself mentally. Walking over to an available place and almost falling down into the seat, he groaned as he slammed his forehead against the tabletop.
He felt someone patting his back, and looked to see it was his roommate Xander. "Dude, I know how you feel. My little brother did that to me once, with peanut butter."
"Did you kill him?"
"No, I just let him know how upset I was, and I also threatened him a little. I still love my brother, and it wasn't such a big deal for me."
"Zachary is not related to me, this is glue and not peanut butter, and my topknot was extremely important to me."
"Oh well, you can kill him."
(Janitor's Closet - Now with a sword hidden in here.)
Zachary - *cackling* "Dude, that was hilarious! Did you see the look on his face? Oh man, I love this! Though he'd better not do the same to me, or he'd be a racist jerk."
Valerie - "Man, the more bad boy Zachary gets, the more I want him. But if Yoshi does kill him, I guess I can hit on Xander. He's one sexy man, and I'm sure he knows some things with women." *She wiggles her eyebrows and licks her lips.* "Yum."
Yoshi - *He has his arms crossed, his eyes narrowed.* "I should have known he'd do this. I really should have. But for the life of me, I don't know what do, except to trash his ass in the game."
*He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, wincing horribly when he traces the place where his topknot used to be.* "Baka, baka, baka! What am I do with this ugly hair? I don't even have time to take a shower or get something to remove the glue..."
*Yoshi notices a box of handkerchiefs, and takes one from them. Shrugging, he ties it around the top of his head, the knot in the back, his eyes shadowed over as a result. Then his eye catches something behind the box, and he realizes it's his sword. With a relieved sigh, he smiles and puts it back on his waistband.*
"So happy now. Well, I'd better get out of here, I think someone else wants a shot at this before the challenge starts soon."
Joel sat alone at his table, idly tapping at his cereal with his spoon. He didn't have the energy to lift it to his mouth, he didn't have the spirit to eat. All he could think of was Hannah, and the fact that she was gone over the circumstances that it happened kept him still in shock.
He had never felt like this. Even inventions he had the highest expectations for that failed, that didn't upset him as much as this. Even something blowing up in his face wasn't as upsetting, and not even as painful.
As the inventor continued to replay the trophy ceremony in his mind, a few people approached him. He didn't hear when they said his name, he didn't feel when they poked him, but when one shouted in his ear, he flipped. Literally.
"Owtch," he moaned from the other side of the table, heels over head. "What was that for?"
"Sorry," Sadie exclaimed, covering her mouth. "Sorry, sorry! I was trying to get your attention."
"You're so energetic, Sadie," Katie said, shaking her head. "You gotta remember to control the volume of your voice when talking to boys."
Rodney was helping Joel back on his feet, apologizing many times despite not being the cause of this. "Joel, we know you were feeling upset," the prodigy child said, "and last night, Sadie had Katie over, and they and Sakaki taught me how to sew."
"Sew?"
"Sew. So, we sewed something for you."
Joel was surprised when Rodney held up a circular patch with "Joel" in cursive on it. It looked like a name badge, as if he was an employee at a station. He found a velcro patch on the back, and placed it over his right breast.
"Thanks, guys," he said, smiling.
"He likes it," Katie shrieked in joy, and she and Sadie squealed in delight, causing such high-pitched noise that the sneeze guard at the salad bar shattered, scaring the living daylights out of DJ.
(Janitor's Closet - Now missing a handkerchief, which is hardly worth noticing.)
Katie and Sadie - Sadie - "I so feel sorry for Joel. He and Hannah just started going out, and then she got voted off."
Katie - "I know, it's really a shame. But you know what's more of a shame?"
Sadie - "What's that, Katie?"
Katie - "The fact that you don't have a boyfriend yet! I swear that this season, you're going to have a boyfriend before you leave! Or before I leave!"
Sadie - "Aww, you're so sweet!"
Rodney - "Sewing is so much fun! My mom said that I should try to learn new things when I was here, so I decided to pick this up! And mom..."
*He holds up a shirt that has "My son learned how to sew, and all he made was this lousy t-shirt."* "I made this for you! I'll mail it to you after this challenge!"
Joel - *He sighs, idly tapping the patch that the three made for him.* "I really miss Hannah already. I want to see her again, or at least communicate with her. But for some reason, the phones that she and I have aren't connecting! Why? Where the he... heck! Where the heck is that stupid bus?"
Duncan was actually seated in the cafeteria currently. Gwen noticed this and approached him with her tray in hand. "You're here again?" she asked, raising an amused eyebrow.
"Yeah, I decided to let the others have the keys for a while, hell knows where they are now."
Gwen let out a chuckle. She was trying to be in a better mood ever since yesterday, and realized something. If she was going to get over this horrible mood she had been in since day one of the show, she should try to get over her resentment of some contestants.
Sitting down next to Duncan at the side of the table, she said, "So, I saw you were emotional last trophy ceremony."
"I was not," Duncan snapped, looking away.
"You were so," she teased back, nudging his side with her elbow.
The conversation went uphill from there. Gwen forgot about her grudge against Duncan for his actions in Total Drama Comeback, and soon was talking to him as if he had been a friend for years. Duncan was also enjoying it, and they talked about pets, friends, family, the contest, and the challenges.
Just then, the contestant that was Gwen's second least favorite on the show: Courtney. The CIT saw Gwen talking to her trespassing boyfriend, and tried to keep her professional, well-trained cool. That lasted 0.0248 seconds. [1]
"What are you doing?" Courtney asked them with all the hostility of a jail guard finding someone in orange clothing outside the detention center.
"Um, talking," Duncan replied, raising his pierced eyebrow.
"To her?!"
Gwen bristled, but tried to calm this down. "Yeah, I'm talking to him," the goth girl replied, her voice rising and falling as she wrestled her emotions.
"I don't trust you with my boyfriend. Duncan, why are you talking to her?"
Gwen's patience had lasted 4.684 seconds. [2] "Okay, what's wrong with you today?" she snapped back. "What did I do to you?"
"I've seen the way you're on the show," the CIT replied. "Seriously, you're snappish and rude, then you're suddenly friendly with people. You're just trying to get your... your... your goth girl hooks into my boyfriend!"
The goth girl clenched her teeth, but kept her position to her sarcastic manner, rather than vulgar like she wanted. "Oh right," she responded, "I'm flirting with your boyfriend, who's already been voted off, to get ahead in this show."
Courtney's patience had gone into the negatives, and she shouted, "Get out of here!"
With a violent shove, the CIT pushed the goth girl off her seat and onto the floor. Gwen lay there for a few seconds, staring up at the ceiling and heaving in anger. Nothing that came to her mind was friendly, and she didn't notice the friendly hand reaching down to help her up.
When she did, she sighed and let the person help her up. "Thanks," she replied, almost emotionless as anger and frustration had drained her.
"No problem."
Gwen's eyes bulged, and turned to face the person she thought was her number one least favorite person. "You?" she asked, staring at Heather.
"Yeah, me," Heather replied. "Whatever."
With this strange exchange, the queen bee walked over to her boyfriend and sat down next to her.
(Janitor's Closet - Where cat fights are avoided.)
Gwen - "Look, I know I can be sarcastic and harsh. People even expect it of me, the goth girl." *She sighs and crosses her arms, looking away.* "But getting along with people is much harder than I thought. I be nice to Duncan, his girlfriend knocks me off my seat. I try to be distant and cranky to everyone, and the worst person I've ever known helps me back up."
Heather - "Dating Ezekiel has got me starting to become..." *she shivers slightly* "... a nice girl. Yeah right, me? Nice? Even I cannot picture it. But you know, I really want to be nice for Ezekiel, since he does so much for me, and helping up the person who hates me most seems like a nice step, eh?"
Duncan - "Courtney's rather overprotective of me. Kind of hot, in the sense that I have to get used to not being able to talk to another girl ever again. That might get annoying... say, what'll happen if I introduce her to my mom?" *He cackles at the idea, then face-faults.* "I think they might kill each other!"
Chris entered the cafeteria, looking at everyone with a sly grin. "Hello, contestants of Total Drama Battlegrounds!"
"Hi, Chris," came a few scattered replies.
"Hey, what's with the lack of enthusiasm?" the host demanded to know. "Is this the appreciation I get for what is going to be an awesome challenge for all you boys and girls?"
"Oh crap," many of the boys and girls replied.
"If he thinks it's generous, it's probably really, really bad," Katie explained to Rodney, who looked rather confused.
Chris Maclean cleared his throat, then broke out his old pirate accent. "Yarr! Avast, me scurvy dogs! This voyage of Total Drama Battlegrounds be a two part! Thar first challenge will separate real pirates from wannabes who don't know their peg leg from their hook hand!"
Harold looked baffled. "How could anyone make that mistake?"
"How could anyone talk like that?" Heather grumbled, rolling her eyes at the host.
"I wonder why he's not dressed up this time?" Leshawna commented.
"Yarr, my pirate outfit be in the cleaners, sadly, Chef used them for rags, the filthy sea dog," Chris cursed aloud. "I'll be making him walk the plank later on, yarr!"
Yoshi slammed his forehead against the table. "Make him stop," he wailed. "That's such an insult to pirates everywhere, when you talk!"
"I thought you hated pirates," Xander asked, "since people bring up pirates against samurai, or something."
"Just salty dogs like that landlubber," the warrior said, jerking his thumb at Chris. "I have no problem with them otherwise." He fiddled with his makeshift hat as he spoke.
Chris ignored these comments. "In the main part of this contest, you landlubbers are going to be on ships, so get your sea legs ready! Also, keep these two words in mind: fan service!"
As he left the room with an arrogant swagger, murmurs ran among the contestants. Anita was shaking her head, looking very disgusted. Harold was huffing out his chest with proud anticipation, Ezekiel was tapping his chin in confusion, and Crystal was happily clapping her hands.
(Janitor's Closet - A public service explanation.)
(Mandy, Izzy, and Alfred are all in the janitor's closet together. They look ready to explain something important, so much that they broke the normal protocol for confession broadcasts.)
Alfred cleared his throat and smiled at the camera. "Now, this is a public service explanation for all you people who don't fully understand what the wonder is that is called 'fan service.' So who better than us three?"
Izzy nodded. "That's right, Izzy knows loads of fan service!"
Mandy grinned at the camera. "When you're used to appeasing to Old Gods, mortals are much easier to please."
Alfred tipped up his baseball cap and carried on. "See, fan service is the term for appealing directly to fans with three very basic but very efficient methods. First is sexy goodness!"
He gestured to Izzy, who lifted her top to show off her green bra underneath. With a sassy grin, she swayed her hips before lowering it back again.
"The second is violence!"
He gestured to Mandy, who pulled her sacrificial dagger from its scabbard. Grinning malevolently, she licked her lips before she mimed a stabbing motion, then put the dagger back into its holder.
"The third is just being super cool!"
Alfred taps the side of his cap's lid, then he gives it a skillful push. His hat spun around his head twice before stopping where it started. Izzy and Mandy gave him a light round of applause.
"So you see, these three simple but efficient ways to get your audience cheering are what really get the ratings. Now sometimes, well actually, most of the time, TV shows go overboard with this."
"Yeah, like," Izzy rambled, "can you say 'Baywatch'? Honestly, fan service to me would've been a shark eating those women."
"Ooo, me too," Mandy cheered. "Our minds are so much alike, my mortal friend Izzy."
"Heck, I would've dressed up as a shark just to scare them out of their minds. It's always fun to scar someone for life!"
Alfred nodded in agreement. "Now then, we will be on boats, as Mr. Maclean said, and there is a problem. As we are teens with no scripts or martial arts training-"
"Speak for yourself, my American friend," said Izzy with an impish grin.
"Well, how about training to make fights look good for filming without actually hurting anyone?"
"No, where would the fun in that be?"
"Exactly the problem with doing violence fan service live, so we have to do a good combination of sex, love, and coolness!"
Izzy nodded a great many times, while Mandy scoffed and looked away to the side, staring at the mouthwash stains on the wall. Alfred chuckled and continued.
"See, we are expecting a little bit of Love Boat here, with couples or just hormone-driven teenagers going at it, so we want to give an explanation on four basic types of hotness," Alfred explained, wiggling his eyebrows. "Because, you see, some of you people don't know your canon and fanon from your shippings and pairings!
"The first thing to take into consideration is the willing and eager couple, which would be something like this."
He turns to face Izzy, who is giving him a sexy come-hither look. Alfred takes her in his arms and starts making out with her; she wraps her arms and one of her legs around him as they suck face for a few seconds, then part.
"That," Alfred said, his face slightly flushed as he pointed at a grinning Izzy, "is the hot and ready kind, the kind we see in Bridgette and Geoff, so I'm told. We expect at least one couple who haven't kissed yet to go at it like this on this challenge."
"Yarr, the sea does funny things to wenches and scurvy dogs," Izzy said, her pirate accent far better than Chris'. "Just being out in the middle of the big blue gives you the sense of loneliness, and the hot desire to get it on!"
"Exactly! Now, the second kind of couple is the kind in denial, and that's the key word! Now, the couple will probably be something like this."
Alfred turns to Mandy, and taps her shoulder. When she turned around to see him, he took her in his arms and started to kiss her. Mandy struggled at first, hitting his shoulders and letting out protesting sounds, but eventually caved in and started kissing him back, wrapping herself around him.
After a few seconds of this, with Izzy happily watching and clapping approvingly. When they broke apart, Mandy looked a little upset it was over.
"Now that is what we like to call denial denied no longer," Alfred said, now very flushed in the face. "We expect maybe one or two couples to do this, and that makes great fan service!"
"Indeed," Izzy exclaimed, pumping her fists. "Fans love this shipping and romance, it's some of the best service ever! But then we go into the area of homosexuality, but only fleeting!"
"Yes, as most of us are proved heterosexual, we have to get into doing it just for the kicks," Alfred said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Of course, that doesn't stop our fans from wondering, so why don't we give you yaoi-obsessed fangirls and yuri-crazed fanbois something? It's your day, so to speak!"
Izzy nodded, jumping up and down in excitement. "Izzy is a bit of a yaoi-obsessed fangirl, she must confess! In case you don't speak Japanese, that means boy-boy love! And yuri means girl-girl love!"
Mandy scoffed and looked away. Izzy gave her friend a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, and said, "Now some of us, like Mandy, don't appreciate it, because they deal with people who insist they are what they aren't. Noah would be another case, but Izzy is still wondering about him, to be honest."
"Right," Alfred said. "Me too, actually, still got his place in the closet, he does. But enough on the egghead, we need to get to live demonstrations!"
"For fun," Izzy cheered. "Since there are two girls here, let's start with yuri fan service!"
The redhead walked over to her platinum-topped friend, and turned her around, very similar to what Alfred did. The cultist wasn't even sure what was going on, as she had been tuning this out. Soon, her friend had her in her arms, and was making out with her heavily.
Mandy protested again, with muffled sounds and pounding fists, but eventually she caved in once again and sank into Izzy's smooching. Alfred had the most pleased grin on his face as this carried on, and he applauded when they stopped.
"So you see," Izzy said, just as flushed in the face as Alfred now (Mandy more so), "from our test case Alfred here, boys love this stuff. And girls love the boy-boy service, and said test case is eager to provide!"
"What can I say, I'm a gonzo," he said with an impish grin. "When you love high dives, explosions and other fun things, what's kissing another boy a couple times?"
"But who are we going to get to do this?" Mandy asked.
Izzy grinned wickedly, and opened the door. In stumbled Howard, who fell in ear-first. The redheaded, wild girl cackled and said as she closed the door again, "Our naughty boy here has been listening in on our hot subject for some time, so he volunteers!"
"For... what?" Howard stammered. "Not the last subject you were talking about!?"
"Yaoi it up, boy, we got your newest boyfriend!"
The following was a little too tricky for the camera to follow. Howard became like a cat being forced to take a bath, and was fervently struggling with Izzy, Alfred, and Howard. Arms were flailing, legs were kicking, and protests were screaming. The janitor's closet was full of cries of, "No no no," "C'mon, just one kiss?" and "Why don't you wanna kiss me, that hurts!"
This carried on until something struck the camera, and static was all the camera could pick up, finishing this public service explanation.
(Maclean Stadium, Arena)
The host was glaring at the thirty-seven contestants, arms crossed and brow furrowed. "Okay, I'm only going to ask this once more," he said, "who broke the janitor closet camera?"
No one spoke up to take blame, and the stadium audience was all laughs and giggles. Izzy was whistling rather loudly, and it wasn't helping her in the eyes of the host that the song she whistled was "Wanted Dead or Alive."
"Well, since no one is going to fess up," Chris Maclean said, lifting his nose at the contestants, "I have to say I actually know who did it. So, for this challenge, I forbid Izzy, Mandy, Alfred, and Howard from being on the same team."
"Aw, come on," Izzy angrily protested.
"Jerk," Mandy shouted. "Mortal jerk!"
"This stinks," Alfred grumbled.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Howard praised the host.
"Now that we've killed time," Chris said, all smiles again and in full host mode, "I have to announce that this challenge is called Race #4: The Fan Service Boat Ride! And it's a glorious two part!"
"Haven't had one of those in a long time," Gwen said to Leshawna. "And most of the time, wasn't the first part of the challenge useless and pointless?"
"Yep," Leshawna replied, rolling her eyes. "That man needs a good smack upside the head."
Chris tut-tutted them. "Now ladies, don't be so harsh. I have good reason for the first part this time."
"Yeah," Courtney snapped, frowning at the goth girl. "Why don't you try listening, Gwen?"
CIT and Goth Lady glared at each other, and Heather watched from a distance. "Wow," she said to Ezekiel. "It's like watching a flashback or something."
Chris loved the strife, but he wanted screen time more. "Now see, the first part is going to be complete free-for-all among you. And the top seven in this contest will be the leaders of the seven teams in this challenge!"
"So, what good is that?" Noah asked. "Being a leader doesn't change anything except blame in these multiple team challenges?"
"Normally, yes. But what if the leaders get to choose who is on their team?"
"Well. That's different."
"Glad you agree," Chris said. "And it's especially handy here, because the second part of your challenge will be the seven teams on seven boats, and the boats are powered by..."
He took a deep breath, and lifted his hands as he sang out the words, "FAN SERVI-IIIIIICE!"
The audience went more wild than the contestants had ever seen before. Izzy and Alfred exchanged knowing grins as many of the others just looked around. Anita looked upset and away, trying to stand near Cody to relieve her tension.
"Now, we have cameras set on all seven boats, and those cameras are going to be online, not on the TV, except of course when we edit this for select moments. This is an important detail, because this is a live episode online!"
Geoff scratched his head. "So, like, people are gonna watch seven movies online at the same time? That sounds rather hard, man."
"No, no, my dear party animal," Chris said, shaking his finger. "See, they're only allowed to watch one movie at a time. And the more people watching, the faster your boat goes! People viewing equals more knots!"
"Not what?" Lindsay asked.
"Knots, Lindsay."
"Not me?"
"No, knots! As in the way a ship's speed is measured, knots!"
"Their speed is not measured?"
Chris face-palmed. "Remind me why I try to explain this to her. Anyway! Your job is to make interesting your round-trip cruise on your boat, which is a simple round-trip from the dock, a measured distance out to sea, and then back again. And it's going to take a lot of FAN SERVI-IIIIIIIICE to get that boat going!"
Belinda was smiling at this, looking rather amused. "So how are people going to know what's going on the other boats if they're only allowed to watch one boat at a time? I'm guessing you're going to have some chat boxes going on?"
"That's exactly what is going to happen," the host said with a nod.
"Oh wow, you're so clever," Howard gushed as he beamed at Belinda.
"It's like you're psychic," Lindsay added.
Chris cleared his throat; this was getting to be a habit for him. "Now on our web cam web site for this fan service has fifty chat rooms that allow you to communicate with a great many people, and they can watch any of the seven videos. So if something really good is happening, the people can tell you about it, and you can switch videos."
Xander raised an eyebrow. "So, we have to be rather spontaneous for these fifty chat rooms of fans expecting us to practically strip or something?"
"Exactly!"
The rebel grinned. "Well hot damn, this sounds fun! Better than that train ride!"
"That's what we decided to improve on."
"Fifty chat rooms?" Beth said aloud. "That seems like a rather lot."
"You guys have no idea how popular you guys can really be, and we have been amping this up all over. Seven cameras of wild teenagers! Oh, and we picked fifty chat rooms for a reason."
"Why's that?"
"Each chat room is named after one member of our grand show," the host said. "Each one of the forty-four contestants, moi, Chef, the bear, the raccoon, the duck, and our latest intern, Billy."
"Who?" several asked, and the host pointed at someone standing nearby.
A young man stood at a console near the podium, looking rather confused. His blond hair and loose-fitting shirt ruffled in the wind, which carried the sound of his name to his ears. Turning in confusion, he called out, "Did you call me, Mr. Maclean?"
"No, intern, get back to work."
Billy rolled his eyes and looked at the clipboard in his hands, but before he could actually go back to work like requested, a delighted scream startled everyone.
"Oh my God," Carol exclaimed, jumping up and down, then pointing at Billy. "He's so hot!"
"He is pretty cute," Lindsay added, giggling.
"Me?" Billy asked, turning around and blushing slightly. "You girls talking about me?"
"Can he be on my team?" Carol asked Chris Maclean. "Please oh please oh please!"
"No," Chris snapped. "He's just an intern. They normally don't last the first three days they work on this show."
"Excuse me," Billy said, looking a little miffed, "I'm still here."
"Interns don't have feelings," the host said, waving his hand. "Now stop hogging the limelight, and get the first part of the challenge started."
"I'm trying, but I cannot get the pool to rise up."
Chris rolled his eyes. "And interns don't have brains either. Joel! Can you help out?"
The inventor wasn't listening, he had barely been paying attention to any of what the host had said. He stood there, idly tapping the name tag his friends had made, and sighed several times.
"Joel! Joel Joel Joel," Chris chanted, waving his hands. "Hey, Rolly-Joely!" He sang. "Jo'ellllll \ Jo'el!" He shouted. "Joooooooooel!"
"He's been like that for some time," Crystal said, sadly looking at him. "His heart has been wounded so."
"So what?" Colin said, rolling his eyes. "His girlfriend was a boring, preachy jerk."
"If ever there was an example of the kettle calling the pot black," Yoshi grumbled, crossing his arms.
"Now what does that expression mean?" Zachary snapped.
"And why are you wearing that ugly thing on your head?" Chris asked Yoshi, raising an eyebrow at the handkerchief on his head.
The warrior glared at the host, and the effect of the shadow over his eyes gave him a rather menacing look; it made Mr. Maclean back off. "Um, whatever suits you," he stammered. "But seriously, we need Joel to raise the pool for the first challenge."
Crystal had to shake Joel's shoulder gently, then led him over to where the console that Billy was working on. When the inventor started to work on the console, Crystal looked at the intern and smiled. "You know, you don't have to worry about danger, good chap. Every challenge is us having a common ride or being in some virtual reality challenge."
"That's comforting."
"Say, I'm a matchmaker. Do you have a girlfriend, or just going totty?"
"Um," Billy stammered, trying to think of what that last part meant, "I'm single."
Crystal grinned. "Jolly good! Now, how old are you?"
"He's single?!" Carol exclaimed, jumping onto Crystal's back and grinned anxiously right in Billy's face. "Did I hear that right?"
Before this awkward situation became even more awkward, the gears underneath the stadium floor began to turn. Said floor opened up, and a gigantic pool with well-decorated shores rose up. Small islands, lighthouses, a couple large and aquatic creatures floated about, and a treasure chest could be seen on an island.
This huge pool also had an excellent collection of boats, armed with cannons on all sides. They came in all different kinds of colors, sails, and mastiffs.
"The first part of this challenge," Chris Maclean announced, "is what we call the Pirate Wars! Thanks to Joel, we have toy boats armed with very explosive cannons!"
"Wait, he made them?" Valerie asked, frowning. "How is that fair? He knows everything to them!"
"Well, that doesn't stop his ship from being blown sky high," Chris said. "This challenge, every single one of you mans a ship with a remote control. With cannons on each one, plenty of speed, and pirate mischief, your job is to survive and sink, or blow up, your opponents!"
"And the last seven standing become leaders?" Eva asked, looking anxious.
"Yep! And of course, order counts here too! First place gets to pick someone first, second second, and so on to seventh, then repeat back to first. The first and seventh captains will have one extra crew mate, for a little balance."
"Sweet," Xander said, clapping his hands excitedly. "So when do we get to blow some ships up?"
"Right now, pick your remote," Chris said, motioning to the remotes strewn about the sides of the lake. It took a while for each person to find a remote of their choice, or just random picking.
"Ooo, they have such cute names," Beth gushed.
"Very cool," Tyler said with a grin.
The Swashbucklers and Their Ships [3]
--
Alfred - Greedy Shark
Anita - Lightning Deity
Arthur - Cola Cyborg
Belinda - Deviled Kick
Beth - Bladed Giraffe
Bridgette - Royal Duck
Carol - Toxin Warden
Clive - Glutton King
Cody - Robotic Paws
Colin - Murderous Lava
Courtney - Masked Elephant
Crystal - War Shield
DJ - Shooting King
Eva - Cool Wallbreaker
Ezekiel - Swan Sacrifice
Geoff - Honking Bignose
Gwen - Clouds Chaser
Harold - Saltwater Karate
Heather - Outlaw Archeologist
Howard - Father Earthquake
Izzy - Legendary Flames
Joel - Miracle Reindeer
Justin - Gorgeous Stone
Katie - Wandering Ice
Leshawna - Golden Weather
Lindsay - Forgetful Swamp
Mandy - Zombie Shadows
Noah - Pigeon Leopard
Rodney - Octopus Grill
Sadie - Rebel Angel
Sakaki - Triple Katana
Sebastian - Musical Skeleton
Tyler - Strongest Blade
Valerie - Darkness Traitor
Xander - Rubber Monkey
Yoshi - Crimson Inspiration
Zachary - Sandy Warlord
--
(Janitor's Closet - The Salty Sea Locker!)
Carol - "I really didn't care about the boat fight, as interesting as that was. All I wanted was to be on a boat ride alone with that handsome intern!"
DJ - *nervously* "No no, no no, a pirate's life's not for me!"
Eva - "I really do appreciate Joel's handiness, and his ability to make stuff that's violently cool. Absolute genius, and I'm sure I'm better than Anita when it comes to stuff like this!"
Anita - *giggling* "The boat challenge was much like a video game's mini-challenge. It was just so much fun, I really wanted to do it more. Joel should make it a Wii game, I'd buy it!"
Harold - "This is so very awesome! And my skills as a cannonier from my days in the Possum Scouts will really come in handy! Yes, we got to fire cannons in the Possum Scouts; sadly, I have yet to have a confirmed enemy ship sinking, but I have..." *he snickers a whole lot* "High-sea hopes!" *He mimes a rim shot.*
Colin - "Blowing stuff up is always fun, I could get into this first part of the challenge. The second part sounds boring, to be honest. Why would I want to act like some You Tube moron?"
Arthur - "You know, this is the kind of challenge I could really get into. Chance at leadership, explosions, fan service. Yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" *He chuckles, then stops himself.* "You know, I'll bet someone, anyone has made some reference to that. You can cut it, I'd hate to look like a dork."
(Maclean Stadium, Arena Lake)
The contestants were given a few minutes to get the "feel" of their boats, with the cannons turned off. Some, like Harold and Cody, were absolute naturals. Lindsay was trying to figure out what the pretty buttons did. Anita went to Rodney to help him out on what was obviously a complex challenge, and ended up getting tips from him.
"Is everybody ready for some pirating carnage?" Chris exclaimed.
The audience sure were, they roared and screamed in delight. A good deal of the contestants were also pumped and cheering. Sakaki and DJ just shivered in fear.
"Then we are releasing the boats, so pillage yar hearts out, scurvy dogs and wenches!"
The thirty-seven boats came barreling out, cannons a'blazing. Two boats were utterly destroyed in the first five seconds.
Harold and Cody looked at the smoldering remains of their ships. They blinked in astonishment, then the truth dawned on them hard.
"Aw, drat it all," Cody exclaimed, slumping in defeat.
"GOSH," Harold shouted as he fell backwards. He stared up at the sky and muttered, "Scurvy idiots!"
Pretty soon after the first two casualties, cannonballs were shooting all over, ships were swerving, and cunning tactics were being held. A couple lighthouses were destroyed, small villages were razed, but the carnage continued.
Chris and Chef were cheering and clapping, Groucho the Duck was excitedly quacking, and Chico the Raccoon was waving a sword around.
Leshawna was trying to shake Noah, but eventually the egghead caught her ship against the shore. A couple well-aimed cannon blasts later, her ship was sunk. "Aw, dang it," she exclaimed, throwing her remote down. "Thanks a lot, Noah!"
"No problem, ma'am," he replied with a cynical smile as he carried on.
Katie and Sadie hadn't joined the fighting yet. They were too busy admiring some details.
"I think your ship is the cutest, Sadie," Katie cooed.
"No way! Your ship is cuter," Sadie replied.
"No, yours is cuter!"
Both of their cute ships were blown into splinters and fire, and the two girls flinched in surprise. Then they both burst into tears and clung to each other as Arthur's boat sped by. "Haha, take that," he cackled. "My ship is far more super than yours!"
Howard and Carol were in a fervent face-off. "You cannot beat me," Howard cried out. "No one is stopping me from having Belinda on my team for this challenge!"
"I want Billy," Carol shrieked back at him.
The two continued to fire cannonballs until they couldn't any more. They both looked at the ruins of their ships, and cried out in unison, "Aw, what the f-"
Colin cackled as he fired his cannons at Clive, annihilating the emo's ship. "Suck on that, cry baby," the bully shouted. Clive sighed and set his remote down, having suspected this.
Lindsay was staring at her remote, staring at the letters near the buttons. "Okay, I think I got it now," she said, looking at the ship close to her. "Now, it's time to sink the, uh, land blubber! Ha ha ha!"
She started pushing buttons and moving the joysticks, but the boat wasn't moving. "Hey, Taylor," she said to her boyfriend, who stood next to her, "my ship won't go!"
Tyler looked at her sadly, and said, "Lindsay love, your ship was sunk about a minute ago."
Lindsay let out an angstful wail, which was very distracting to Tyler. He managed to avoid three attackers, swerving out of lethal cannon fire. Crystal, who had been shooting at him, was blown away by Izzy's attack.
Eva was hunting down Anita, glaring fiercely at her rival. The bombshell glared right back, and then her boat was suddenly destroyed; however, this was not done by Eva.
"Hey," Anita cried out, glaring at Zachary, "this was a personal duel."
"All's fair in love and war, sucker," Zachary shouted, laughing.
A bright red boat spun around to the side of Zachary's boat, and blew the whiner's ship to pieces. He immediately started calling foul and unfair, swearing and cursing. Anita was laughing at her destroyer's downfall, and cheered on her avenger.
Yoshi grinned, his eyes narrowed as he sped his boat across the lake. "How many times have I got to tell you, Zachary?" he said. "Take a last look around while you're alive, I'm an indestructible master of war!"
DJ screamed in terror as his boat was utterly blown away. Bridgette winced when her ship slowly sank into the depths. Mandy let out a loud curse when her vehicle caught fire and burned away.
"These pirate wars are brutal," Leshawna said to her boyfriend, who still lay on the ground in defeat. "Listen to the bloodthirsty cries of these swashbucklers!"
"Eeeeeek," Sakaki screamed. "Stop chasing me, you meanie!"
"Yar, I'm not gonna be nice to you," exclaimed Rodney
"Taste iron, you stupid heads," roared Beth.
"You fight like a dairy farmer," shouted Izzy.
Leshawna shook her head. "It does such terrible things to the soul."
Beth continued her battle cries until her ship was destroyed from the side. Startled, she heard Colin laughing. "Suck that, pig girl!"
Justin was furious, especially when Beth looked saddened by the insult. The male model chased after the bully, but it resulted in his boat being blown up in the pursuit.
"Oh come on, man," he shouted at Noah, who laughed at destroying his Anti-Me's destruction.
Colin was continuing to blow away boats. Rodney and Eva both went down in flames, the former letting out a sad cry and the latter spewing a violent curse. The bully continued to laugh until he heard someone shout, "ONI GIRI!"
Three shots of cannonballs were fired, and Colin's boat was obliterated. Many cries of delight came from the contestants and the audience, and the bully started crying victim too. All of it made Yoshi's grin even more wide.
Xander sunk Belinda's boat during all this chaos. "Sorry, sweetheart," he called out.
"Oh, no problem, it's just a free-for-all."
Izzy was cackling madly as she shot at random, managing to blow up Valerie's ship. The politician threw her remote down and said a very unpolitical word. Alfred managed to blow Ezekiel's ship out of the water, then Courtney finished him off.
"That's what you get for messing with me," Courtney shouted at Alfred as she drove over his ship's remains.
"But, I never messed with you in the first place," a confused Alfred replied.
Geoff snarled as he swerved, avoiding Arthur's shots. The party animal turned his ship around, shared a battle glare with his opponent, and then the two ships sped forward, aggressively shooting cannonballs at each other. The iron balls never hit, but the ships did. A crunch of wood and metal followed, and the two crushed ships sunk. Arthur sighed, but Geoff thought it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen.
Yoshi stared down Noah's boat, the egghead matching him in skill here. Noah was not going down without a fight, but he wasn't a true warrior at heart like the Japanese teenager. With a careful well-aimed shots, Yoshi blew Noah's boat to pieces, but suffered a hit that hindered his ship greatly.
Sebastian swooped in for the kill, but Gwen blew his ship away in a surprise attack. Heather shot at Gwen, but the goth girl was too quick for her. Tyler was trying to avoid major fights, but Joel had recovered from his funk long enough to destroy the jock's ship.
"And we're down to eight pirates," Chris Maclean announced on the overhead. "After one more elimination, we're down to our seven captains.
Eight glances were exchanged: determined Yoshi, scared Sakaki, stubborn Courtney, eager Izzy, grim Gwen, depressed Joel, delighted Xander, and aggressive Heather. They all knew what to do, but with hearts racing and pulses pounding, violent charges weren't on their minds.
Except Izzy, of course. "Die, die, die," she chanted, her boat chasing after Sakaki. The moe girl shrieked and her boat hauled rudder with Izzy racing after her.
Xander and Heather were facing off, Gwen and Courtney were already shooting at each other, Yoshi was in hot pursuit of Joel. The inventor was getting over his funk rather quickly, and noticed the injury in Yoshi's ship.
"Sorry, buddy," he said, making a skillful turn and flanking the warrior. With a couple precise shots, the warrior was sunk.
Yoshi swore in Japanese, then smiled. "Well done, my friend," he said, scratching the back of his head underneath the handkerchief, "well done."
"Now see, that's what I'm talking about," Valerie shouted, glaring at Joel and Chris. "He made these stupid things, so of course he's gonna beat us all-"
A boat was blown out of the water, literally. Joel even caught the husk of his ship as Izzy cackled, still chasing Sakaki. The inventor looked over at Valerie and raised an eyebrow. "You were saying?" he asked, smiling slightly.
"Six people left," Chris announced, "and Joel is captain number seven! Who will be sixth?"
Heather was, Xander was an excellent shot. The queen bee cursed, but let out a relieved sigh. "Making my own team sounds perfect," she said to herself, looking at Ezekiel from afar and smiling.
Izzy was in such hot pursuit of Sakaki, and her wild nature got the best of her. She failed to make a turn properly, and her boat crashed on land, skidded through a village, popped out of the course and hit Anita in the leg. Izzy winced as Anita hobbled around, rubbing her shin and wincing in pain.
"Sorry," she called out.
"This wouldn't happen if this were a video game," Anita said, wincing as she rubbed what was going to be a bruise later on. "Well, maybe with the Wii."
Gwen was in a major fight with Courtney, and the two girls weren't giving an inch; however, one was more willing to fight dirty. The CIT and the goth girl were standing next to each other, and soon Courtney gave Gwen a violent elbowing.
While Gwen tried to pick herself up for the second time this day, Courtney blew her ship to pieces. Leshawna was furious, and was shouting, "That was interference! Isn't that against the rules?"
" 'Rules'?" Chris repeated, grinning.
The sister face-palmed, then helped lift Gwen up, and then hold her back. Courtney looked at the struggling goth girl, and snapped, "That'll teach you. Don't flirt with my boyfriend, Weird Goth Girl!"
"Hey, only I get to call her that," Heather cried out. Shaking her head, she said, "What's her deal?"
Leshawna glanced at Heather, and grumbled, "Oh, like you have the right to talk, Ms. Prim!"
Heather stuck her nose up in the air and walked off. Courtney scoffed and turned back to the like, only to see her boat was a destroyed mess. She sputtered, then saw her destroyer.
"Sorry," Xander replied. "You should have kept your eye on the boat."
He turned to see the last boat standing, which was Sakaki's. "Sorry to you too," he said to her. "I hate to destroy such a cute girl's boat, but you're the only thing in my way."
Sakaki let out a high-pitched squeak, and then panicked. Pressing every button on the remote, she shrieked, "I'm not cute!"
Amid her screams, cannonballs whizzed and roared, explosions rocked the lake, and a ship burned and died. When it was over, she stood there, panting and whimpering.
Xander looked at the charred remains of his boat, his eyes wide. Then he laughed and said, "Now that was one of the most awesome and adorable things I've seen!"
"Not... adorable," Sakaki panted, and then fainted.
As Sebastian helped comfort her and fan air on her face, Chris chuckled before making the announcement. "Well folks, with the most unexpected result I've ever seen, we have our winners:
"Team 1, Sakaki is leader. Team 2, Xander! Team 3, Courtney! Team 4, Gwen! Team 5, Izzy! Team 6, Heather! Team 7, Joel!"
(The Salty Sea Locker - Formally a Janitor's Closet.)
Izzy - "Leading soldiers into the field of fan service sounds like so much fun! But even if I cannot have Alfred and Mandy on my team, Izzy has plans!" *She cackles, wiggling her fingers impishly.* "Lots of plans! Plans so good, even Izzy is scared of her own plans. But she is not, because she is Izzy, and Izzy fears nothing! Except flying, but Izzy is on a boat, she on a boat!"
Xander - "Leading a group sure is a new experience for me, but it's rather cool. Back home, there's a rumor that I have a motorcycle gang, but that's silly. A true rebel does things on his own." *He grins as he has an afterthought.* "Unless he wants a super cute, British beauty at his side!"
Sakaki - "I... I don't know about this. I've never led before at anything... I don't even guide conversations!" *She whimpers, and hides in the closet, though there isn't much room.*
Courtney - "Okay, I know some people are thinking I'm being too..." *she makes quotes with her fingers* "... 'harsh' with Gwen. But look at it from my side! She's never shown any interest in Duncan before today, none at all. And now with her boyfriend gone and being so cranky, she's suddenly keen on my boyfriend! You cannot tell me that's just coincidence!"
(Maclean Stadium, Arena)
"Okay, so here we go," Chris said, standing in front of the seven captains. "We are going to choose the teams, and it's all up to the captains! Sakaki, you're first! And try not to faint before you make your choice."
Sakaki was shivering already. Everyone's eyes on her was so unnerving, she did feel ready to faint. With a shaking finger, she pointed at Sebastian and muttered his name. The collection of "awws" and "ooos" was her tipping point, and she was on the ground again.
Sebastian walked over to revive her as Chris shook his head. "Maybe a moe wasn't the best choice for such a public show. Oh well. Xander, you're next!"
Xander clicked his tongue. "Crystal, of course."
The contestants and audience were full of "ooos" and "ohhs" all over again, and Crystal was as red as a cherry. The rebel smirked at this attention. "Come on," he said to her. "You knew I'd want to have someone with brains, beauty, and an accent that I cannot get enough of."
She blushed even more, but shook it off. When Crystal was properly by his side, Chris motioned towards Courtney. "Your turn, CIT."
The brunette overachiever looked at all the available choices, and something came to mind. "I need to know what Heather's up to," she thought, rubbing her chin in thought, "before she hurts my chances in this season. If she is planning something dastardly, like she did with Cody in TDC, then I have to ask someone who would know best."
"I pick Ezekiel," she said.
"What?" Ezekiel exclaimed, looking more startled than most, but certainly not Heather.
"Hey, wait just one damn minute," was what she had to say-"
"No arguments, we want to hurry to the boat rides," Chris Maclean said. He pointed at Ezekiel, and said, "Go to your new mistress!"
The prairie boy very much resented that choice of words, but he went over to Courtney, albeit grudgingly. "I sure hope yoo'r not trying to do this to aggravate my girlfriend, eh."
"I need to talk to you, away from her, it's nothing but that."
"Next is Gwen," Chris said, snapping his fingers.
The goth girl shrugged, and said, "Leshawna, of course." She high-fived her friend.
"Izzy is next, and remember, no picking Alfred, Mandy, or Howard!"
The redhead snapped her fingers, then scanned the group. Keeping her thoughts on fan service, she got an idea. She grinned and pointed at Cody. "I want him!"
Anita and Eva were both startled, but there was nothing they could do about it. Cody, more confused than them but secretly a little delighted (he remembered what happened last time he was left at sea with her).
"Heather, your turn."
Without her boyfriend to chose, and rather bitter about it, the queen bee scanned the crowd. "I don't trust most of these people, I cannot see who I want to be with," she thought, then shook her head. "Wait, you're trying to be nice for Ezekiel. So the best choice... would be his best friend, and actually get along with him."
"I choose Tyler."
Tyler looked startled, but not so much as his girlfriend. "Now wait a minute," Lindsay shouted, "I don't trust Helga with Taylor! She's gonna try something mean like she always does-"
"Don't care about feelings, we must move on," Chris exclaimed. "Joel, you're the last captain, go!"
Joel shrugged, looking around, and thought about something similar to Heather's. "Might as well make friends with Hannah's friends," he muttered to himself, then said aloud, "I choose Mandy."
"What?" Chris exclaimed. "Hey wait a minute, you crazy kids, I'm not having any hooliganism on my ships! Cultists and inventors should not mix-"
"Stop acting so emotional, Chris Maclean," Leshawna said to him, grinning and shaking a finger at the host. "Let's carry on and stop chatting."
The host frowned and seethed, then cleared his throat. "Sakaki, your turn again."
"She's still out-cold," Sebastian called out, waving his hand over her face.
"Aw, c'mon! Well then, you pick for her, Seb!"
Sebastian looked surprised for a second, then pulled on one of his dreadlocks in thought. "Well, Sakaki's roommate, Sadie."
Sadie cheered and hurried over. "Aw, thank you, Sakaki."
"She's still unconscious," said Sebastian.
"It's okay, gratitude can still be heard when someone's out of it."
Chris shook his head. "Yeah, really shouldn't have picked a moe. Well then, let's carry on then, shall we?"
Xander nodded. "Yoshi," he said, earning a smile and a high-five from his roommate and friend.
"Rodney," Courtney said pleasantly. The prodigy beamed and hurried over.
"Bridgette," said Gwen.
"Noah," exclaimed Izzy.
"Wait one damn minute," Noah shouted. "You picked Cody and then me? I know what you're thinking-"
"Stop complaining and get over here, uke!" [4]
(The Salty Sea Locker - Izzy's devious, ain't she?)
Noah - *furious* "I'm so sick of shots at my sexuality. My siblings haven't given me any break on that, my schoolmates haven't, even when I started dating Katie! Why can't people just get over that lame joke? And I am SO not the uke!"
Cody - *chuckling* "Well, everyone knows I'm straight, including a few rather splendid girls. And hey, if people think Noah's the uke, that's just fine." *He cackles.*
Heather rolled her eyes at Noah walking over to Izzy in the most sulking, pouty manner she'd seen (subconsciously, she knew she had done it many times, but she hadn't really seen herself do it). "I pick Zachary next."
Joel raised an eyebrow at this, then shrugged. "I pick Beth."
Sakaki was still unconscious. "She picks Katie," Sebastian said for her.
"I pick, oh what the heck, Valerie," Xander said with a shrug. When Crystal looked at her curiously, he replied, "She has been acting really strange, I wanna see if I can get to the bottom of it."
"Lindsay," Courtney said, pointing at the blond. "She may be dumb and careless, but she's practically walking fan service."
Gwen looked at Bridgette, who had been looking at Geoff anxiously since her own pick. "I want you to promise me," the goth girl said to his friend, "that if I pick him, you two will not make out the entire time." Bridgette nodded, and Gwen shrugged. "Okay then, I pick Geoff."
"I pick my raven haired counterpart, Eva," Izzy said. Eva noticed Cody was on her team and grinned triumphantly. Anita gasped, but kept herself together, telling herself that she could wait until the next time around...
"I pick Anita," Heather said. She had been thinking about fan service, like Courtney, and hadn't been paying much attention to the love triangle. Anita gasped again, and tried to protest, but realized how hopeless it was; she kept a good loser attitude, and wordlessly headed over to Heather's team.
"Well then, I pick Justin to complete the couple," said Joel, patting the anxious Beth on the shoulder.
"And here comes the last cycle," Chris announced. "Be careful with your last choice, as the first and last team get the choice of the last two picks."
Sebastian scanned the remaining people, then decided on who Sakaki would want most: someone quiet and pleasant would be best. "I... well, Sakaki's team picks Belinda."
"Thank you," the clairvoyant said.
"I pick Carol," Xander said, getting a cheer from the enthusiast.
"DJ," Courtney said.
"Alfred, I guess," said Gwen with a shrug.
"Oh, I'll be wild and pick Arthur," Izzy said.
"I'll pick Clive," Heather said, rolling her eyes. "Might as well."
"I'm going to pick Harold, then," Joel said.
Chris nodded in acknowledgment at this. "Well then, we have two last choices. Sakaki's team, who do you want: Howard or Colin?"
"Howard," all the members of Sakaki's team (except their unconscious leader) exclaimed at the same time. Howard wasn't upset about being second-to-last at all, he was on Belinda's team.
"And that means team seven gets Colin," the host said happily.
Joel's knuckles cracked when his fists clenched, but he managed to calm himself down. "Oh well," he muttered. "Least we'll know who to vote off if we lose."
Colin snorted, but said nothing else.
"Now you all have one hour to get whatever you want for this boat ride, as it will be, at the slowest speed, ten hours long," Chris Maclean explained. "More details will be given at the harbor, so prepare your best."
(The Salty Sea Locker - Teams are set, let 'er rip!)
Belinda - "I know Howard is excited to be on my team again. Well, I think it's time to decide if I want to try dating him. That enough suspense for you, faithful viewers like you?" *She raises an eyebrow at the camera.*
Crystal - *She is humming the theme from "The Love Boat," as she draws something in a journal.* "Soon will be making another run... well, well! I think I got a little bit of effort in front of me. Maybe Carol and Xander will be a good couple, or I could find out more about Carol so her crush on Billy might work!" *She giggles and shows the doodle she's been doing: a heart with an arrow through it.*
Lindsay - "I don't like how Helga has my boyfriend on her team. But there's nothing I can do and for the cruise, I got a couple new bikinis I want to try out! They should look great on a ship's deck, huh?"
Justin - "I believe I can get my team to win. Want to know why?" *He holds up a pair of trunks.* "Look out ladies, I got me some short shorts! And... wait a minute, I don't think these are mine."
Tyler - *He is looking at a pair of "trunks" in his hands.* "Um, I don't think these are mine... but if fan service is what they want, maybe this would be best."
Bridgette - "I really want to talk to Geoff more about... things. I'm worried about him, he's been so shaky and nervous around me. Maybe he'll finally talk about what's bothering him."
Geoff - *nervously* "Maybe if I make out with Bridgette and such all the way, she won't get around to asking me what's bothering me. Because if she looks at me with those gorgeous, soft, green eyes..." *he whimpers* "... I won't be able to hold any secrets from her!"
(Harbor Docks)
Chris Maclean looked at the thirty-seven contestants in front of him, most of them holding duffle bags and backpacks. "Well, I see you all have some changes of clothes, as well as whatever weird things teenagers may have that I cannot mention in front of young people like you."
This caused a lot of peculiar exchanges of looks. It didn't matter, because Chef Hatchet, dressed as a sailor, walked up front. "Alright, sailors," he shouted. "Get with your teams in front of the boat that's numbered after your team!"
The thirty-six teenagers and one eight-year old hurried to stand in front of their ships. Chris paced back and forth.
"Now, the rules are simple: there are none! If you think about getting naked, there will be that weird, glitchy look over your body edited on before it is broadcasted on the world wide web!"
Zachary snapped his fingers as he glanced at Anita; she glared back at him. "I really don't like this team," she thought. "This creep, deceptive Heather, Clive's so depressing, Eva's with Cody and I'm not... but at least Tyler's really cute."
"The boats will be on an autopilot, but there will be a man on each boat, in the captain's room, in case of emergency. Please don't bother them, you are to rely on yourselves for fan service. As said before, it'll take ten hours normally for you to get from here and back again. So your fan service attitude is what it takes for you to get back sooner."
"That's right, maggots," Chef added, quite needlessly.
"The first team to get back wins a cruise on that lovely cruise company that was all the rage last season," Chris said. "Every member is allowed to pick any of the contestants, on their team or not, to join them on a sexy cruise ride! How's that for motivation, all you young lovers?"
Joel immediately perked up, but then looked a little bit distraught as he wondered if that was appropriate for his gentle girlfriend. Xander glanced at Crystal, Lindsay jumped up and down and clapped, Noah looked over at Katie and waved at her.
"Stop that, your love is Cody for this ride," Izzy scolded him.
Howard, Harold, and Geoff looked the most anxious. Courtney simply scoffed and waved her hand. "You used that twice last season. Can't you be original?"
"Well, then you won't like this," Chris said. "As per usual, the last two teams are going to have to vote someone off. And the leaders of the two teams do not get immunity."
The seven leaders all gave little nods. Gwen shot a side-glare at Courtney, who returned it. Sakaki shivered, Heather contemplated her teammates, and Izzy simply giggled.
"You are allowed to do anything for fan service, but please, do not leave the boat. We don't have safety crews out there to pull your young butts out of the water."
"Why didn't you hire any?" Harold asked.
"You all can blame Mandy for that."
"Huh? Me?!" the cultist gasped. "WHY?"
"Because you bit me last trophy ceremony, on the hair, and the cost of my stylist and hair gel to make up for it, we couldn't afford an eighth boat. So, needless to say, it's all your fault, Mandy."
Needless to say, not one of the thirty-seven contestants blamed Mandy at all.
"So those are the rules! At ten o'clock, you all depart, and begin your FAN SERVI-IIIIICE! Hope you're all ready to be as shameless!"
(Janitor's Closet - Tired of being called "Salty Sea Locker" already.)
Leshawna - "Did I mention I get a little sea sick?"
Sebastian - "I really do get sea sick if on a boat for a long time."
Ezekiel - "I really do not do well with boat rides. I knoo' I was on those floating cabins, but I had Bridgette and Izzy and Cody with me, the cabins were rather stable, and my fear of Cthulhu were dominating my sea sickness."
Clive - "I do about as well on a boat as I do on life: miserable and awful." *His pale face is starting to get a little green thinking about it.* "Why did I sign up for this show?"
Groucho the Duck - "Hmmm. Boats. Looks like it's time for me to get back to my duck roots and take to the Navy!" *He holds up a depth charge.* "FOR GLORY AND BREAD CRUMBS!"
Chico the Raccoon - "yeah, count mee owt on dis won, i iz not beeg-tyme wahter luvr"
Chris Maclean - "This challenge is just for you, our noble watchers! Heck, I'd be out there without a shirt for the sake of fan service, but I'm afraid the young ladies couldn't take it." *He chuckles, then shakes his head.* "So, as a way of saying sorry and a little fun to hold you during our short break, here's something I know you all wanted to see!"
Chef Hatchet - *He is dressed up as Sailor Moon, pigtailed wig and all, and doesn't look very happy.* "I really hate that man. And my life. And my job. And this skirt, it's riding up my-"
Billy the Intern - "I got a bad feeling about this job..."
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So which of these seven teams is going to appease the web audience the most? Which ones are going to let down their adoring fans?
Are these going to be Love Boats? Any going down like the Titanic? Who's most pleased to be on a boat, because they're on a boat?
And just how inappropriate are these fame-crazed teenagers going to get? How much sexy stuff, violent stuff, and cool stuff are we going to be seeing?
Team 1 - Sakaki (L), Sebastian, Sadie, Katie, Belinda, Howard.
Team 2 - Xander (L), Crystal, Yoshi, Valerie, Carol.
Team 3 - Courtney (L), Ezekiel, Rodney, Lindsay, DJ.
Team 4 - Gwen (L), Leshawna, Bridgette, Geoff, Alfred.
Team 5 - Izzy (L), Cody, Noah, Eva, Arthur.
Team 6 - Heather (L), Tyler, Zachary, Anita, Clive.
Team 7 - Joel (L), Mandy, Beth, Justin, Harold, Colin.
[1] - Courtney's patience lasted 0.0248 seconds. Two-four-eight are the buttons you have to press on a cell phone to write out CIT.
[2] - Gwen lost her patience in 4.684 seconds. Four-six-eight-four are the buttons you press to write out GOTH.
[3] - If you're wondering what the names of the boats in the first part of the challenge mean (as in, who they stand for), check out my Deviant Art profile. I'm known as ComedyMagmar there. And you might be able to guess, the names of the pirate ships have something to do with One Piece, because I. Like. One Piece. Hell, shouldn't Yoshi's new look be any indication? *wink wink*
[4] - The "uke" is the passive or submissive guy in a yaoi relationship. Noah would not want to called an uke for two very big, obvious reasons. Unless, of course, he's in a completely different fanfiction than this one.
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Next Up - FAN SERVI-IIIIIIIICE!