Disclaimer - All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, and the creators of TDI. No profit is being made in the making of the fanfiction. This alternate-universe episode of TDI contains stunts performed by written teens. Please don't try any of this at home. If intelligent life does exist out there, do not be offended with this rather unflattering interpretation; heck, you probably have thought it once or twice too.
The Kobold Necromancer's Notes - Sorry about the wait. Hope you all like evil aliens being wiped out. I know I cannot wait to do that in Starcraft 2 when it comes out. I am such a Protoss person! Oh, and there's a new poll too.
Warning - There's violence in this challenge, lots of alien and human deaths. I know that's nothing important to any of you, but since people pitch giant fits over sex whenever I write about it, I am going to act like violence is just as bad. Which it friggin' should be.
Chapter 30 - Slimy Creatures from Out-There Space
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(Maclean Stadium, Head Office)
Chris Maclean and Chef Hatchet stood in front of the unbiased, fair, kindhearted producer who scared the utter crap out of the Chris; however, Chef wasn't phased much. The hardened cook was much tougher standing up to someone whose only powers were running a TV show and controlling his almost nonexistent paycheck.
"Ratings are good, Chris, but we are having problems," the producer said as she lit a cigarette. Taking a deep drag from it, she exhaled, then commented, "People are saying the contestants are being too 'nice'."
"Heck, I hate that too," Chris said, a little too quickly. "But what can I do?"
"You're the host, you stupid fool. Stir up the hatred."
Chris nodded, while Chef noted his submissive behavior. "It must be his bigger paycheck at stake," he thought.
"Well, you know, maybe it's the contest in itself," Chris said. "I wanted to make these movie-themed challenges."
"You mean like season two was supposed to be?" the producer asked.
"Yeah, yeah! We wanted to rent this abandoned movie lot, and do the movie themes there! But... that went south, bra."
"And all because of that redneck twerp, right?"
"Right," Chris remarked, frowning and crossing his arms. "Stupid hick, I'll never forgive him for what he did..."
(Flashback. Playa des Losers, Total Drama Island.)
Chris Maclean was grinning at Owen. "The choice is yours, Owen. You can keep your hundred thousand dollars, or compete for one! Million! Dollars!"
Owen looked very tempted, but nervous too. He tapped his fingers together, and muttered, "Aw, gee, I dunno..."
"I woo'dent, eh."
Everyone looked over at Ezekiel, who seemed out of place in his jacket and hat when all the others were wearing their bathing suits. Owen looked over at Ezekiel and asked, "Why not?"
"Well, you have to compete a'geenst all of us, eh," explained the prairie boy. "That means you have a one in twenty-two chance of getting your money back."
"One in twenty-two...," Owen repeated, then he looked confused again. "How bad is that?"
"Let me put it this way," Ezekiel said, patting the big guy's shoulder. "You have twenty-two cupcakes-"
"Mmm, cupcakes."
"And only one tastes of chocolate. The other twenty-one taste of blended cock'rooch."
"Blended cockroaches?" Owen exclaimed, grabbing his face. Horrors of the eating competition came back to him, a time where eating wasn't fun, the worst kind of nightmare for Owen. He shook his head, and turned to Chris. "No no no! The odds are too great! I'm keeping my hundred thousand!"
"But...," Chris obviously wasn't ready for that. "But Owen!"
"Mine," Owen shouted, hugging his briefcase to him. "I'm sticking to the party I promised, and maybe a few more donuts."
"You're so smart," Izzy said to her boyfriend, hugging him around the waist. "Izzy didn't like those odds either."
While Izzy and Owen celebrated by sharing a few kisses, some of the other contestants didn't look so happy. And all the angry glares were directed at Ezekiel.
"You little creep," Eva snarled at him. Ezekiel broke out in a cold sweat at Eva's fierce look. "We could have had a chance at that money!"
"You didn't have to open your big mouth," Courtney shouted.
"Get him," Duncan hollered.
Ezekiel ran off, covering his head as several of the contestants chased after him. Chris Maclean, standing there and looking horrified, didn't register whose fault it was until later that day, when he had to send the contestants home.
"Stupid Ezekiel," Chris snarled. "We could have started something called Total Drama Action, and rented that movie lot! But when they all went home, the lot was scheduled for destruction to create something stupid. I think it's a large dog park now."
"That sounded like a much better idea than going back to that stupid island," the producer said, dabbing out her cigarette in an ashtray. She then added in a very blunt, commanding tone, "Get rid of him."
Chris shrugged, then elbowed Chef. "Sorry buddy, but this here is for top personal onl-"
"Not Chef, you dumbass," the producer barked. "Ezekiel!"
The host of the show blinked, then shrugged. "Okay. I mean, you're the fair, unbiased, kindhearted producer we all love, so I can see if you've decided it, it's fair."
"Right, and after you've got rid of him, get rid of that Christian girl Hannah too."
As the producer lit up another cigarette, Chris was blinking in confusion. "What? She's already been voted off."
"She's being brought back on the show, by Mr. Savage," the producer explained. "Joel, to you."
"Oh, well then, I'll have to make sure it's known that all former contestants are banned."
"No, you can't do that, you moron," the producer shouted. "Duncan keeps coming back, and he's one of the people who get us such high ratings. Don't think I've forgiven you for letting him go so early."
Chris whimpered, while Chef shrugged. "Can't control who the kids vote for, can't rig it since they know who voted for who in the outside world."
"Rig it?" the producer repeated, then glared at Chris. "Did you tell him?"
"No, I didn't! Chef, how'd you know?"
"Know what?" the cook asked, looking confused. "There ain't been rigging in this show, has there?"
"No no, of course not," the producer said, shrugging her slender shoulders. "Forget it, we thought you meant something else. So Chris, do what you can to get Hannah out of the stadium, as well as Ezekiel."
"Don't worry, oh fair and generous producer of the world's greatest show," Chris said, almost bowing.
Chef looked between the two. "Is this why Ezekiel wasn't on the Total Drama Battlegrounds digital flyer?"
"Who cares about that?" the producer snapped. "It's not like that flyer makes a big deal in the long run." [1]
The large cook just scoffed. "What's wrong with that Hannah girl?" he asked. "Unlike Duncan, she ain't causing any problems. Don't see any problems with her."
The producer rolled her eyes. "Christianity is the religion for losers." [2]
Chris glanced to the side, and added, "Well, I'll follow out your orders, sweet and generous miss!"
Chef threw his hands up in frustration as he and Chris left. "But how we gonna get Ezekiel off the show? We don't have any say in this thanks to the rules."
"There are ways," Chris said, rubbing his hands together. "Oh ho, there are ways."
The producer scoffed, dabbing out her second cigarette as she thought about the show. She clicked her nails, and stared at the TV, which was screening the contestants at the cafeteria. Today's challenge was set in mid-afternoon, for the sake of those getting back, and thus breakfast was in the afternoon. She noticed Hannah and Joel sitting together, and seethed.
"I'm not having this," she grumbled. "So long as people act nice to each other, this show is going to lose ratings. Being nice is for losers."
(Maclean Stadium, Cafeteria)
Hannah and Joel, unaware of who was watching them (and let's face it, do we ever know that?), were talking to each other happily. Everyone seemed to be getting along just fine until Chris Maclean and Chef Hatchet entered. Then he had to go and spoil it in the way only Chris could: opening his mouth.
"Well, contestants, we are at our next virtual reality challenge," he said, grinning and posing. He walked over, patting some of the challengers on the shoulder or the head. "We will enjoy watching you all suffer and die, but remember, no pain in the VR! Aren't we generous!"
"That's mostly because Joel made sure we didn't feel pain," Crystal pointed out.
Chris looked over at the inventor mentioned, and saw Hannah sitting next to him. He scowled at her, and said, "Oh, you're here again."
"Yes," Hannah said.
"Don't you know that since you were voted off, you don't get to come around here no more?" Duncan walked by. "Yo, Chris," he said, high-fiving the host.
"Stay cool, dude," he replied, grinning at the punk. Then he looked back at the sly smiles Joel and Hannah were giving him, then scowled again. "What? He's popular."
"You're not exactly being fair, eh," Ezekiel spoke up.
Chris turned on him, a glare stronger than the prairie boy thought was possible. "Don't get me started on you, dude. You've caused me such anguish and suffering, and I'll make sure you pay!"
He flicked off Ezekiel's toque, and walked off with his handsome nose in the air. The prairie boy shook his head in astonishment, and when he tried to pick up his hat, someone else did and handed it to him.
"Don't let him get to you, Zeke," Bridgette said, as she sat down next to him. "He's just bitter over some reason."
"I wonder what it is, eh?" he mused as he put his toque back on. "And why is he mad at me noo', all of a sudden?"
"Who knows? Maybe he was reminded of something, or maybe he's in a bad mood; some people are like that, they just get mad at people for some unexplained reason. Speaking of which..." She drummed her fingers against the table, and looked at him. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of coo'rse, eh."
Bridgette sighed and shook her head. "Geoff has been more distant than ever. I... I know I shouldn't doubt him, but Trent was there. He's acted guilty about Trent for so long.
"Do you... do you think he voted for Trent?" Ezekiel pondered this for a few seconds, tugging on his toque in thought. He finally fessed up by saying, "Bridgette, I have a lot of respect fur Geoff. I think he may have bin a little jealous of the time you spent with him, but I really, really doo't he'd vote off his girlfriend's brother. He's too cool fur that, eh."
She chuckled, shaking her head. "I know, I'm really being silly. It's just that he doesn't want to make out anymore. And if doesn't want to kiss me, I don't know what we're going to do."
Ezekiel raised an eyebrow. "You could always see what Gwen's doing."
Bridgette gaped at him, then laughed and playfully punched his shoulder. "You sly, prairie dog."
He chuckled, and as the two joked, Heather saw it all happen from afar. She couldn't help but feel jealous right now. The queen been knew she couldn't tell Ezekiel he couldn't talk to Bridgette, but she wanted him to herself.
It didn't help that Valerie was grinning wickedly at her.
"Aww, can't have your boyfriend to yourself?" the politician taunted the queen bee. "What a shame. Maybe you should keep him closer."
She extended her hand to wrap around Zachary's shoulder, and he grinned at Heather too. "Yeah, white girl," he added, "she and I got it going on! I wouldn't look at any other girl after that hotter-than-hot cruise!"
Valerie laughed, and Heather snarled and stormed off. The politician then turned to Zachary and whispered, "It was very hot, wasn't it?"
Extremely, you are one freaky chick when alone."
"Don't you know it, and I like how you said you wouldn't want to be with any other girl."
"No problem, babe."
"Now, we need to talk about who we should seduce next, to get on our side."
Nearby, Yoshi was watching them, suspicious of their actions but unable to hear them. Next to him was Izzy, teasing him about the hickey on his neck that Daisy had left.
(Janitor's Closet - No one seduces a closet.)
Ezekiel - "I didn't want to say this in front of Bridgette, but there is a reason I think he's so cool: he managed to get Bridgette to start dating him." *He chuckles, then looks around nervously.* "Um, doo'nt let Heather knoo' I said that. I love her and all, but I still think Bridgette is very sweet."
Heather - *pouting with her arms crossed* "I feel like this is one large soap opera in which I'm playing the character with everyone else flying around me, making me dizzy for how fast things move. I hate it when stuff is out of my control, I miss being the puppet master..."
*She looks guilty when saying this.* "No! No, I promised myself never to do something hideous as hurt someone intentionally for a contest. I owe it to Zekey... don't tell him what I just said, okay?"
Valerie - "So Zachary and I had a very good time together on that cruise, but it's time to go back to business. We need to use sex as a weapon here, and both of us are good enough to seduce a couple simpletons. I have my eye on a few hunks... but don't tell Zachary that I might enjoy this."
Zachary - "I realize now how stupid I was for not noticing just how hot Valerie could be. She wants me to try seducing a couple girls, like maybe Sadie." *He chuckles and shakes his head.* "That won't be as fun, but maybe Sadie's just desperate enough for a boyfriend that she'll dig a brother. But don't tell her I said that, because I don't want her to know what I'm planning."
Chef Hatchet - "Why does everyone who uses this thing ask we don't tell anyone what they said? What's the point of having a confessional if we cannot air the secrets they confessed? Damn it, I have some editing in my close future!"
Carol was resting at a table, more specifically her forehead. She looked like she had fallen asleep, but Crystal rubbing her shoulder was a sign of something else. Xander sat nearby them quietly, looking nonchalant.
Leshawna walked by them, and noticed the unusual scene. "Hey, kids, I didn't see y'all on the cruise much," she asked, "and it's mostly due to you my man and I got on. How was it?"
"Hmm?" Crystal, obviously distracted with Carol, replied. "Oh, um, fine."
Leshawna knew "fine" meant not good, and she looked over at Xander. The rebel returned her glance with a jerk of the thumb towards Carol. The large sister was confused, then asked, "What's wrong? Was Billy not good to you?"
Carol flinched, then threw her head back and let out a howl that startled every thing in the cafeteria (including the nonliving instruments, it was that powerful). "BILLY," she wailed, then slammed her forehead at breakneck speed at the table, causing an reverberation that sent all tray tables on the table into the air and splattering on others.
Leshawna bit her bottom lip, but unfortunately, couldn't resist saying it. "That bad, eh?"
"Billy met an old friend of his that was kind of like," Crystal tried to explain, looking stressed as she did, torn between a love story and a broken heart, "well, his first girlfriend. She moved away when they were young, and she now works at an airport. Big fan of the show, name is Emily."
"Cute too," Xander noted. "Billy politely excused himself from Carol; plus, as it turns out, there was a bit of an age difference."
"Aww," Leshawna said, looking at the sobbing Carol. "There there, hon, there are other fish in the sea."
"I DON'T WANT TO DATE A FISH," Carol hollered, startling the living and not again. "Why do people keep telling me that I should date a fish not that I lost Billy?"
She continued to sob and pound the table, and Crystal rubbed her back more. Leshawna decided now was the best time to find her boyfriend and sit with him instead.
Nearby, Alfred was cleaning one of the airborne meals off his hat as he sat down next to Mandy. "Hello, cutie," he said, grinning at her.
"C'thulhu's servants are not 'cuties,' mortal," she replied, glaring at him. "What do you want? Don't you want to see Izzy?"
"Nah, I wanted to see you."
"And why would that be? Want to make out again or something?"
"I'd love to talk to you."
Mandy blinked, and stared at him, then laughed. "A guy who just wants to talk? Please."
"C'mon, let's chat a little," Alfred drummed his fingers together, then said, "Tell me about your rats."
No one had ever asked her about her rats. It was rather touching to the cultist, and the pink blush on her face merely made Alfred grin more. From afar, Izzy was silently cheering, but thrashing as if ready to have a seizure. Nearby her, Clive was slumped on the table, trying hard not to think about death that he so wanted.
(Janitor's Closet - A tale of woe, as in 'whoa'!)
Carol - *sobbing* "Ibs nut bair! I wubed B-Billy first... well, I guess I dibn't, but c'mon! Why do the cute, airliner girls get all the hot boys! ARGH!"
Crystal - *looking distraught* "Cor blimey... I really hope Carol gets over this. It was a powerful crush she had... getting all totty over him... but I guess that's the way it shall be. I hope she doesn't find out I gave Billy and Emily some guidance after they hooked up; please don't tell her I did that!"
Chef Hatchet - *face-palms*
Xander - *cleaning his nails with a nail* "Crystal is really upset, almost as much as Carol. So the cruise wasn't so much fun. I mean, I wasn't expecting it to be life-changing or for Crystal to go far with me, she's way too cool of a girl to let some 'bloke' like me do that."
*He chuckles, then bites his nail and spits it out.* "Still, what a letdown. Cannot see how a romantic cruise could be worse."
Harold and Clive - Harold - "Clive buddy, I know you hated the sea, but how long are you going to be lying on the floor in here?"
Clive - "Until the world stops rocking back and forth in a sickening motion."
Harold - "Gosh! That was one of the most fun times I've had with my Chocolate Princess, and I wanna gush about that nonstop! Why must you be so emo about this, it's bringing me down!"
Clive - "That is life, Harold, make no mistake about it..." *He pauses, then gags.* "There's fingernails all over the floor of this place!"
Leshawna - "You all think you've seen romantic? You ain't seen it until you see a boy like Harold buttering you up on a cruise lit by moonlight! That's romance there, boys and girls!"
Mandy - *blushing slightly* "Um, I don't know if cultists are allowed to date. And if they do, do they get a second date, because the first date might involve sacrifice... or is that only if it's a bad date? Aw, friggin' pentagrams, why must love be so complicated?"
Alfred - "There is something very special about Mandy. She's one of those hardcore tough girls who has a sweet side inside here, just that her hardcore shell is a bit different, and kind of fun too! But if I'm allowed to quote one of my favorite songs..."
*He begins to air guitar, jumping up and down, shouting the lyrics more so than singing them.* "Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around... dunh-nuh-NAH-nuh-nuh-nah-nahhh!"
Izzy - *grinning madly* "Spontaneous chaos!"
*She throws a whole armful of ping-pong balls and cackles as they bounce all over the place.* "Behind my madness, there is motive, but it's also just for fun!"
While flirting was going on in some places, fighting was almost certain to occur in other places. Duncan sat down next to Gwen, as Courtney was busy Rodney. The CIT noticed this right away, and became very grumpy; Rodney hid behind the clipboard he was using when he saw her face.
"Gwen," Courtney snapped, "what did I say about sitting with my boyfriend?" The goth girl scowled right back at her. "For your information, he sat down next to m-"
"I said I didn't want you near him!"
"You know what?" Gwen stood up, grabbing her tray of food, "I don't want to have to argue with you; I'll go sit next to someone else, if only not to hear you BMW'ing!"
As she stomped off, Courtney, satisfied, turned back to Rodney. As she mouthed, "BMW?" in confusion, Rodney peeked out over the clipboard.
"You know, Miss Courtney," he managed to bring himself to say, "don't you think you're being a little too harsh?"
"Rodney, if there's one thing you need to learn during contests like these, you cannot trust anyone, and certainly not girls with your boyfriend."
The prodigy child glanced at Gwen, who was sitting with DJ now, but not saying much. "But she's already seeing someone, and we know she loves Trent and misses him."
"And that's what some girls do when they're lonely, they try to fill the missing space with another boy."
"But Gwen's never shown any sign that she's that kind of girl. I just think she wants someone to talk to."
Courtney was ready to counter this with Bridgette and Leshawna, but she saw both were talking to someone else. Everyone Gwen normally hung out with was busy, even DJ was busy feeding a happy raccoon. The CIT shook her head. "Still, Rodney, why my boyfriend?"
"She and Duncan do have things in common. You don't have to worry, Duncan really likes you, even if," Rodney struggled to say the next part, looking sheepishly at Courtney, "even if you kick him sometimes."
Courtney sighed and collapsed her head in her arms on the table. Pounding the surface in frustration, she grumbled, "I don't believe this. Please tell me I'm not having a moral dilemma!"
"My brother Francis usually has those. Solves them by getting a tattoo on his arm."
"I'm not getting a tattoo, Rodney."
"That's a good thing, Francis doesn't have any room for moral dilemmas any more."
As they talked about this subject, the very same thing was going on at another table, with Katie. She watched as Zachary approached her best female friend forever 'n final (they had added another F recently), and the two were talking now. What exactly she didn't know, and she didn't know whether to just watch, or go over there and shove Zachary away.
"You're going to bore holes into them soon, Cutie-Katie," Noah said, glancing up from his book. He didn't normally glance up from his book, so this showed his concern more than anything.
"I warned her he was a creep," Katie said, not stopping her hole boring. "I told her there are better boys here to go after! But... she's always had a soft spot for bad boys... did it have to be a jerk, though?"
"I'm a jerk, and you're dating me."
"You're not a jerk, you're just blunt," she said, looking away from her BFFFF. "I mean, you wouldn't brag to your friends about what we did in private, would you?"
"No, of course not. No one would believe me anyway, they all think I'm-"
"They're just teasing you, Noah. You let them keep doing it by showing agitation."
"Doesn't it bother you that people say your boyfriend is-"
"No, not really," she interrupted him again, as if trying to prevent a certain word from being said. "I mean..." She cuddled up to him and stroked his chest with her fingertips. "I know you're straight, Noah-Boa."
He chuckled, then added, "We gotta think of a new nickname for me."
"I like it, makes me think of a really large snake."
Noah at first didn't get that, then he thought about it, and his mouth dropped. "Why you," he started, faltering between shock and amusement, "when did you get to be dirty?"
"Still a lot to know about me, Noah," Katie said. "I'm not as simple as you may think."
(Janitor's Closet - Now littered with ping-pong balls.)
Noah - *almost tripping on ping-pong balls* "Who put these here? Now then, just when you think you know someone... then again, I never thought I 'knew' Katie completely. Only a fool would believe he knows all there is to know about a woman."
Katie and Sadie - Katie - "Sadie, trust me, Zachary's not a nice guy!"
Sadie - "Can't I just see that for myself? Like, test him?"
Katie - "Sadie, he said he wanted to 'get some' from Valerie."
Sadie - "Maybe he meant cash? Like get some cash for a soda machine, like the one in the cafeteria?"
Katie - *face-palms*
DJ - *petting Chico the Raccoon* "Katie's been asking me a lot of questions about what kind of girls I like, what I think of Sadie, all that stuff. I think I know where's she getting at, but I really couldn't date a girl without my momma's approval."
*He lifts up Chico and smiles.* "What do you think, little guy?"
Chico the Raccoon - "i wudent no bout datingz, i haz not met a nice ladee raccoon yetz"
DJ - *He chuckles and resumes petting him.* "One day, we all will meet a nice lady."
Chico the Raccoon - "i lieks to play wid teh ping-pongs fur now"
Anita and Eva had sat down next to Cody, on both sides. The techgeek felt nervous but rather good about having a couple ladies so eager to sit next to him. Both of the girls were smiling at him but when he wasn't looking, they were glaring at each other.
Eva pointed at Anita behind Cody's back, then dragged her finger across her throat. Anita retaliated by sticking her finger in her mouth and miming gagging. Then both went back to looking sweet to Cody.
Cody wasn't fully aware of this hostility, and was trying to ignore the hostile vibes that seemed to be going on behind his back. He was more content on focusing the pleasantries going on in front of him. Eva was being generous with the syrup on his pancakes, although he had to stop her from draining the whole lot.
Anita was sprinkling salt and pepper on his eggs, and getting a little pepper on Eva's face. As the fitness buff winced and sniffed, Anita took the time to talk to Cody. "So, what do you think the challenge will be?"
"Something to do with the virtual reality system. I'm rather excited, I love the ones we've done, and you know how I love technology."
"Oh, how I know," she replied, as Cody gave her his sausages; he had learned that they hadn't met his own nutritional values, but Anita loved them. She smiled gratefully at him, and thanked him by running her fingers across his shoulder. She braved sneaking closer to him, and whispered, her voice almost shaking from anticipation, "You seem a little tense. I'm sure you'll do well."
Cody giggled, sheepish and nervous from a girl touching him. "Well, I've loved tech-stuff all my life, but I've never had my mind in one. You've done a good job both times, you've survived."
Anita blushed slightly. "I might just be a little lucky. Maybe if we're on the same team, I'll keep you alive."
Eva was done sputtering, and heard the last part. She interpreted the last part as a failure to keep Cody alive in the last VR challenge, and was mad now. The fitness buff also trailed her fingers down Cody's shoulders, skipped over to Anita, and yanked down on her hair. The bombshell didn't even have time to cry out as she fell from the table and hit the floor.
"Ow," Anita groaned, rubbing her head. Eva feigned ignorance and smiled at Cody, who was looking at the fallen girl.
"Anita, are you okay?" he asked.
"Just... fell," she muttered. "Gonna go see the nurse, think I got a bump."
She walked off in a daze, rubbing the back of her head. Cody looked over at Eva, who shrugged nonchalantly. Nearby, some of the others had been watching this little fight. Joel was shaking his head, while Hannah drummed her fingers together nervously.
"Why does love always make people act irrationally?" Joel said with a sigh.
Hannah looked at him. "That's something I still don't understand."
(Janitor's Closet - Not wearing leather pants, in case you were wondering.)
Cody - *stumbling around the ping-pong balls* "Whoa, these are an accident waiting to happen. Anyway, I feel kind of bad, I don't want to be egging these two on. Eva's getting really aggressive, and Anita seems to get hurt when she is friendly. Man... I'd ask them for a little space if I didn't love the attention so much."
Eva - "I deal with affection the same way I do everything: through muscles! If you want something, you fight for it, don't you? Therefore, that bimbo is not getting to wriggle up next to Cody when I am next to him!"
Joel - "Look, I know everyone's not alike, we all have our different personalities, but c'mon there, Eva! You don't win points with someone by hurting someone they like! ... Then again, she's not the only one who does that. Man, I think Hannah should tell them about loving your fellow man."
Hannah - "The Lord wants us all to love each other. The creators of a reality TV show want us to hate and rip out each other's eyeballs." *She holds up her Bible.* "Ever since Joel got this back for me, I've been reading it more so. And now, I'm gonna be a rebellious girl and try to make people nicer." *She giggles.*
Izzy - "Okay so, I know I'm focused on Alfred and Mandy, but I'm watching from the sidelines on this whole love triangle with Cody. Since he's seen topless and Eva's my lover in another alternate reality as far as my horoscope has told me for today, I'm actually hoping they hook up. Anita has some charm, but what's she really got on a wild woman like Eva?"
Anita - *She kicks at the ping-pong balls angrily, rubbing the back of her head.* "I should have just lashed out at Eva there, I really should have. I don't know why I gave her a pass for yanking me by my hair off the table!"
*She sulks and crosses her arms.* "Who told her that only she has the right to court Cody? She didn't even care about him at all in the first two seasons? Did she send Cody a Get-Well-Soon card when he was mauled by a bear like I did? Did she even feel sorry for him when Gwen slapped him over a misunderstanding last season? No, she was laughing, I was crying over the suffering he went through!"
*She points at the camera.* "This is the just beginning, Eva, now the gloves come off. If you ever watch the show, I want you to note this is where your downfall starts!"
Chef Hatchet - "Woohoo, I don't have to edit anything! Nothing at all!"
Yoshi - *busting into the closet by kicking down the door, startling Chef* "HIKEEBA!"
Chef Hatchet - *screams like a little girl*
Yoshi - "Oh sorry, I thought you were Zachary." *He waves his hand, then looks down.* "Dude, you wet yourself?" *He walks away disgusted.*
Chef Hatchet - *looking down at himself* "Um... I guess I will have to edit something then. Damn it."
(Maclean Stadium, Arena)
All of the contestants had gathered in the arena, with Duncan and Hannah mixed in with them. Chris politely addressed Duncan, then turned his nose up at Hannah.
"Now what is up with him?" Gwen asked. "He keeps acting hostile to people he was just fine with yesterday."
"I think it's a delayed reaction caused by some kind of reminder," Hannah said. "Some people are like that."
"Oh, I know what you're talking about," Tyler said, nodding at her. "During the last couple seasons, there were usually a couple interns who came up to us and reminded us of things that happened several days or episodes ago. I think it was to bring back some drama that they wanted resurfaced."
"I don't see why they need to bring back old wounds," Leshawna said. "We're all teenagers, we can make drama out of nothing."
"No, that's women," Chris said, jumping in (literally) their conversation and startling them. "Now get in position, maggots, for today, you're going to really get serious!"
"Isn't this another VR challenge?" Justin asked.
"Yes, but we've decided to ramp up the violence! We're going to see you teens being ripped apart!"
He clicked a button on his remote to Vera, and the screen turned on. Footage of a VR simulation saw a VR Billy walking down a VR corridor. A VR alien with many claws and mandibles pounced, and Billy became a bloody, VR mess.
Sakaki whimpered hid behind Sebastian, and he pat her hand comfortingly. Bridgette was shocked and grabbed Geoff's arm; however, it turned out not to be Geoff.
"Ow, Bridgette," Ezekiel groaned, "I cannot feel the tips of my fingers, you're squeezing too hard, eh."
The surfer girl let go and apologized, while Geoff looked slightly jealous of this small interaction, as did Heather. The queen bee wrapped her arms around Ezekiel's other arm, and when he stroked her arm affectionately, she was content.
Chris scoffed. "So, Ezekiel, hogging all the women? How did a misogynist like you get to be popular anyway? You and your stupid hat."
"Now what's his deal?" Heather asked, scowling. "Is he trying to get people mad at you or something?"
"I'd throw you out of a moving airplane if I could!"
"I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that," DJ said, "but it sounds rather negative."
"Really?" Alfred asked. "Sounds like fun, I'd love to try it once."
"If it wasn't out of a plane, I'd agree," Izzy said, nodding a great many times. Then she glared at Chris and added, "If you continue to threaten my Zeke, I'll be putting something sticky in your hair gel!"
"Is nothing sacred to you teenagers?" Chris muttered, running a hand through his hair. "Now then, about the challenge-"
"Oh, are we actually going to do a challenge?" Noah asked. "I thought you would just continue insulting us so that you could get some screen time for your mug."
Chris fumed as Katie giggled and high-fived her boyfriend. The host glared at the two and said, "You two annoy me almost as much. But now, we are going to discuss the theme for our virtual reality battle...
"VR Battle #3: Aliens on a Spaceship!"
"Alright," Gwen cheered. "I love alien movies!"
"Really?" Courtney said, knuckles on her hips. "That doesn't surprise me, considering you..."
She felt a tapping on her knees, and saw Rodney elbowing her leg gently. Courtney shut her mouth for a second, then sighed and waved her hand. "Nah, never mind."
"Oh, I know what you were going to say," Gwen replied.
(Janitor's Closet Encounters of the Third Kind)
Gwen - "I've loved alien movies ever since I started to think of how intelligent life may be out there. Might be a change of pace from the so-called 'intelligent' life on this planet."
Courtney - "Rodney is insisting I don't speak so harshly. I thought it was just because that he was a kid, but Bridgette agreed with him when I asked! So I guess I should try to be... nice."
*She groans and shakes her head, but then ponders and taps her chin.* "Still... wouldn't hurt to work on my image training. Keeping a straight face when dealing with those of lesser intelligence."
Heather and Ezekiel - Heather - "I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get on Courtney or Gwen's good side, ever."
Ezekiel - "Well, you just got to give them time. Nothing's impossible, eh."
Heather - "How can you be so positive? I mean, you know what I was like, and old habits don't die hard-"
Ezekiel - "Listen, my parents liked you, eh. If they did, and noticed hoo' you've changed, others can notice too."
Heather - "I guess so. But you know, even I have a hard time imagining myself being a 'nice girl.' Heck, I'm sure most of the viewing audience of this show at home doesn't think I could change."
Ezekiel - "Does it really matter what a large groo'p of total strangers you'll never meet think, eh?"
Heather - "It might on Twitter... if I can ever explain to you how that works."
Ezekiel - *He chuckles, then pulls her in for a hug.*
Chris clapped his hands, getting the contestants' attention. "Now, I will describe the challenge. There will be two teams, half of you on one and half on the other. Each team will be on a large spaceship, and each armed with a plasma gun or laser sword. You'll find more weapons around the spaceship.
"Shortly after the VR starts, an alien pod ship will latch onto the ship, and bore a hole into the side. Once sealed and open, aliens will start spewing out. As time increases, two more pods will latch onto the ship, each carrying a dangerous amount of our aliens!"
He pointed up at the screen, where three aliens were being displayed. One was a quadruped with giant mandibles and long claws on each foot. The second one was a biped with long, jagged claws coming from its wrists, razor mandibles as well. The third had six legs and looked like a centaur, with long scythes as arms and an incredible amount of sharp teeth.
"First one is called a Creetle, second one is Shrasher, and third is the Aytaur," Chris explained. "You'll be fighting a ton of these monsters, and on the third pod, the queen alien is there."
Valerie chuckled and looked over at Heather. "Would that be her?" she asked, jerking her thumb at the queen bee. An assortment of chuckles and scowls at Valerie went around.
"Ahaha, nope, but good guess," Chris said. "Now, there's no way you people could kill the queen, but even if you did, that's not how you win. The only way you'll win is if you kill all the aliens on the ship, or escape it and self-destruct the ship."
"What's to stop us from going to the escape pods," DJ asked, "and just flee at the beginning?"
"Coward," Yoshi muttered, shaking his head. "What kind of man runs at the first sign of danger?"
"The kind that sees those freaks going at him," DJ replied, pointing at the aliens on the screen.
Eva sighed and shook her head. "Look, DJ's right. What's stopping us from making a dash for the escape pods?"
"They won't be activated until the third pod has latched onto the ship," Chris said. "Once that third alien pod is releasing aliens onto the ship, the escape capsules and self-destruct will be activated; you cannot even get in the room with the capsules and console for demolition until that third pod is there.
"You can try to all form up in the corridor that leads to said room, but with aliens coming out and spreading around, it's hard for you to all link together. And if you just try to hide, you'll find that a swarm of these aliens are hungry for human flesh. So fight as much as you can, and try to stay alive, because the team with the most survivors wins!"
"Any other variables?" Sebastian asked.
"Would I do that to you all?" Chris asked innocently.
"YES," most of them replied.
"Well, if all the members of a team dies, the other team wins, of course," the host said. "And, like I said, the most survivors wins. If four survivors kill all the aliens on one team, and six escape and destroy the ship on the other, the one with six members wins.
"Now for the teams! The first team is called The Troopers! Members are Beth, Anita, Noah, Eva, Sadie, Cody, Izzy, Geoff, Tyler, Katie, Clive, Mandy, Yoshi, DJ, Carol, Joel, Colin, and Gwen!"
As those called walked over to the left side where Chris was gesturing, Noah was grumbling and muttering, "Uncreative dipstick." [3]
Some of them noticed Chef Hatchet also went and stood with them, though they figured it was because he didn't want to stand near Chris anymore. The host was going on to mention the other team.
"The second team is called The Predators! Members are Leshawna, Valerie, Sakaki, Arthur, Lindsay, Heather, Rodney, Ezekiel, Alfred, Bridgette, Courtney, Justin, Zachary, Harold, Sebastian, Belinda, Crystal, and Xander."
"Oh, I see what you mean," Katie whispered to Noah as she watched the others stand in position. "That was, like, so uncreative."
Now Chris was standing next to the Predators, and he was grinning smugly. "Chef, how is your team going to win this?"
"We're gonna smoke you, pretty boy!"
"Wait a minute," Beth spoke up, waving her hand. "Chef is on our team?"
"Good question! You get a cookie," Chris said, tossing her a cookie. As she ate it (and the audience oddly enough cheered for this), the handsome host continued to say, "You see, in every good alien movie, you have to have a commander, a father to his men! Someone to lead the troops as one or two of you stand out and kick butt!
"Chef Hatchet is going to lead the Troopers, and I, me, Chris Maclean," the host proudly exclaimed with all the modesty he could muster, "me me me, yours truly, am going to lead to Predators!"
This went over the Predators like a balloon made of anvils.
"NO," Leshawna shouted, stomping her foot. "No way, mister!"
"No no no no no no no," Heather chanted, shaking her head.
"That's about as comforting," Sebastian grumbled, "as a car ride with a bear."
Chris acted hurt. "Aw, c'mon, guys. I can be a good captain."
"You make bets on the competition," Courtney shouted.
"You could throw it all to win some cash," Justin said.
"You don't play fair," Bridgette complained, "ever!"
The host rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Look you punks, you have to have a captain, and I'm the only one who can do it!"
"What about Duncan?" Zachary asked, pointing at the punk.
"Or Hannah?" Alfred asked.
"No and no, no ex-contestants," Chris replied, shaking his finger at them. "Face it, I'm your leader."
(Janitor's Closet - Take me to your leader!)
Colin - "I don't mind Chef being our leader. He's big, tough, and it'd take a long time for the aliens to eat him before they moved on."
Beth - "Chef as our leader is rather scary. I wonder if they did bet something, then they probably wouldn't throw the match."
Chris Maclean - "We were going to throw the match. It'd be very easy for me to get everyone else killed, and then frame a certain sequel-ruining, toque-wearing twerp. But no! My plans just had to be ruined by him... again!"
The Predators were desperately thinking of who could replace Chris Maclean. Then Ezekiel saw some action out of the corner of his eye, and looked around. Groucho the Duck was chasing after Fuzzy Wuzzums the Bear, shooting at him with a paint ball gun.
"Sneak into MY picnic basket, will ya?" the duck was quacking angrily at the bear, who covered the back of his head as he retreated. "I had a nice picnic planned for today, and you ate all my sandwiches! You're lucky you didn't eat the grenades I had in there too!"
As the bear ran away from his fowl attacker, Ezekiel hurried over and pointed at Groucho. "He's perfect!"
"Him?" was the startled reply from others, including Chris.
"Me?" Groucho replied, shouldering his paint ball gun. "Me what?"
Ezekiel picked up the duck and ran over to test his luck with his choice. "He could lead us, eh! He's got combat experience, good with guns-"
"It's a duck," Chris spat, annoyed by this.
"He's perfect," Arthur exclaimed, clapping his hands. He pat the fowl on the head and added, "This duck kicks ass!"
"I agree," Harold said, saluting the confused duck. "I saw his mad combat skills last season, I think he will be a fine leader."
Chris stomped his foot. "I'm not being replaced by some dumb duck I could have for breakfast!"
The fowl pointed his paint ball gun right in the host's face, and Chris grew very aware of how a bruise on his handsome mug would look. "Um, fine, whatever. It's just as well, that duck is an assured way for you to lose."
"So you were planning on losing on purpose," Crystal shouted.
"That's not very nice," Rodney said, shaking his head.
"So the Predators get a duck to help them," Chris announced, not bothering to hide his annoyance, "and the Troopers get Chef Hatchet to help them win! Guess who the victor will be!"
(Janitor's Closet - Duck captains in the 21st century!)
Arthur - "I have no idea why Chris wanted to throw a match, but that doesn't matter! We have Groucho the Duck on our side, and they just have that big pansy!"
Belinda - "Chris Maclean might have been aiming to eliminate someone specifically, but that doesn't mean his plans are foiled completely. We could still lose, that person could still be eliminated. It all depends what our new leader is capable of. What do you think?" *She holds up Groucho the Duck, who salutes the camera and quacks.*
Groucho the Duck - "No duck ever won a war by dying for his team, he did it by making cold-blooded, son of the queen alien die for his war!"
Chef Hatchet paced back and forth in front of the Troopers, barking out orders. "When we get on that ship, we will be in six groups of three, with me alone! Completely random, so we don't get the choice of which maggot is with which worm! We'll meet up, and we'll kill every alien we see. No exceptions, I'm not abandoning the ship!"
"Yes sir," some barked in reply. Others, like Yoshi, Gwen, and Noah, didn't want to bother.
Yoshi was busy straightening the cloth he had over his ruined hair. Gwen was just busy recalling every fight scene from every alien action movie she had seen. Noah was busy reading a book on fighting off aliens (yes, they make books like that).
Groucho the Duck was pacing back and forth as well, but he hadn't given any orders. When asked, he said, "You soldiers trained yourselves to think on your own. Watch your backs, never leave a man or woman behind, and don't die fighting. Live fighting."
The contestants were all given time to talk, but then they were sent over to the giant, virtual reality machine. They all sat down, strapped in, and were dialed up.
(The Predators)
Leshawna, Rodney, and Zachary were patrolling down a corridor on the far west side of the ship. Zachary was already whining, but the other two didn't really listen.
"This is Leshawna, from Team 1," Leshawna said into her walkie-talkie, ones powerful enough to reach all ends of the spaceship. "Predators aboard the Battlecruiser, sound off."
"Team 2 with Valerie, Ezekiel, and Harold reporting in," Valerie said, clenching her plasma gun.
"Team 3 with Sebastian, Sakaki, and Alfred reporting in," Sebastian acknowledged.
"Team 4 with Arthur, Belinda, and Bridgette ready," Arthur reported.
"Team 5 with Courtney, Crystal, and Lindsay are here," Courtney said.
"And Team 6 with Heather, Justin, and Xander at the ready," Heather listed off.
"Excellent," Leshawna said. "We're all ready in case of an attack."
As she spoke to their teammates, Rodney saw a man wearing a red shirt walking by them. "Excuse me, mister," he called out to the man, "but where is the Battlecruiser headed?"
"We're off to the planet of Maclean," the man said to him, seemingly proud.
"Oh boy," Zachary groaned, shaking his head. "Is that the real name... whoever you are?"
"Yes, and my name is Ted."
"Well Ted-"
"Ted Deadman."
The three Predators exchanged nervous glances. "Is that true?" Rodney asked. "Your name is Ted Deadman?"
"Yes. That woman over there," Ted pointed at a passing woman. "That's Leslie Deadman. My cousin Greg Deadman is at the mess hall. I think most of us here are Deadmen."
Leshawna nervously straightened her collar. "My, how comforting. Where's the captain?"
"Oh, Captain Wurdoomed is at the front of the ship, leading us to the haven of planet Maclean-"
"No no, our captain," Leshawna declared. "He didn't use his walkie-talkie."
Meanwhile, Groucho the Duck was busy quacking into a walkie-talkie. "Damn it, work! Work! Oh, I think I broke this damn thing!"
The entire ship shook, and one of the ensigns looked down at the duck in horror. "You broke the whole ship?"
"No no, I didn't do that! It must be..."
From far off, the duck could hear startled cries and questions in confusion. Alarms started to blare, and the duck lifted up his plasma gun. The ensigns ran around in a panic.
Heather's group was closest to where the pod had latched onto the ship. The room the wall was part of sealed off, and she could hear the ensigns inside screaming to be let out. Despite their efforts, Justin and Xander couldn't get the door to open.
"No good, it sealed itself," Xander muttered. "You know, we were just in there."
"That could have been us," Justin mumbled. "Wow, we would have been dead men."
The screaming inside paused as some chilling hisses that weren't like anything the humans had heard, then the screaming intensified. Sounds of unimportant extras being ripped apart could be heard, and Heather winced.
Loud pounding at the door followed, and claws started to rip through the doors. Justin and Xander started shooting through the open holes, and purple, alien blood spilt through.
"That's great," Heather exclaimed. "Just keep shooting, and they'll never get through-"
She had spoke too soon, as the doors were completely demolished. Justin and Heather jumped to one side, Xander to the other. So many of the aliens poured through, they stumbled over each other.
Heather turned on her laser sword, and started cleaving into them, but Justin pulled her back. "Get back, there's too many," the male model exclaimed.
"I'm not scared of them," Heather declared. "I won't back down! Xander, where are you?"
"I'm here," the rebel cried from the other side of the swarm, firing into it. "Look, Heather, let's retreat for now, or we'll be-"
He stopped when an aytaur alien drove its scythe-like arm into Xander's chest. He didn't feel pain, just his body seizing up. "Aw, damn," he coughed. "Looks like I'm first to go."
"No," Heather shouted. "No no, this cannot be! We can't lose someone this early."
"Sorry, sweetheart," Xander called as he stumbled backwards and fell down, losing all his energy. "Just... get out of here!"
Justin managed to pull Heather out of her shock as they ran over, and the aliens swarmed over Xander's body as they continued to hunt for more humans.
...
Pretty soon, they were crawling in almost every corridor. Sakaki hid behind Sebastian as he and Alfred dispatched of them, leaving purple, bloody messes. "That's not natural," she squeaked.
"I know, but it's fun," Alfred cheered, punting an alien's disembodied head.
...
"Ewwwww," Lindsay screamed when purple blood spurted on her when she stabbed an alien with her laser sword. "Ewww ewww ewww!"
Courtney hissed angrily as she shot at an alien sneaking through the vents. "Lindsay, shut up!"
"Stop being so rude, I have icky, alien blood all over me," the blonde whined.
"Now stop complaining," the CIT snapped. "We need to fight and stay alive-"
A creetle alien leapt in the air at here. She screamed and held her hands up as defense, but it wasn't needed as the alien dissolved in a plasma blast. Alien blood splattered all over Courtney.
"Damn right you need to stay alive," Groucho the Duck said as he walked up from behind them. "I appreciate your efforts, Private Courtney, you're a fighting example of our troops."
Courtney blinked as alien blood ran down her face and front. She screamed and wiped it off herself desperately. "Ewww ewww ewwww," she wailed, as Lindsay helped her try to wipe off the blood.
"Or not," Groucho muttered, shaking his head.
Crystal rolled her eyes. "Bloody hell, this war is a gruesome thing. Everyone must be horrified."
...
Arthur was cackling as he blew away aliens. "Yeah, that's right," he shouted, "I cannot get enough make muck of aliens on this muck of a spaceship!"
Bridgette gagged when one of them erupted in front of her, splattering her with purple blood. Belinda handed her a handkerchief, but it wasn't nearly enough.
"This is so gross," Bridgette muttered as she dabbed at her eyes. "So we have to keep doing this until we kill every last one?"
"Afraid so," Belinda said. "And I hate to say it, but I have a bad feeling about this..."
(Janitor's Closet - Will boldly go where no closet has gone before.)
Chris Maclean - "When I was denied the chance to lead, I decided to give Team Predators a little surprise: every alien pod has about a million aliens in them! Each!" *He cackles notoriously.*
Justin - "Why is it every alien out there in fiction always is... really, really ugly? Can't we get some really good-looking aliens for once? And ones that don't want to eat our brains either."
Sakaki - "I prefer friendly, little aliens... like ET."
Bridgette - "I... hate to admit it, but sometimes I have a lot of fun shooting at things. Harold taught me how to paint ball in the first season, and it's grown on me... is that wrong?"
Sebastian - "If there is intelligent life out there, let us hope they're not bloodthirsty like that. People might make it into a reality TV show."
Lindsay - "Those aliens got blood in my hair! It made me want to wear one of those space helmets, but then people couldn't see my face. Did the astronauts who went up ever think about that, that no one would recognize them on the moon?"
(The Troopers)
Anita juggled her walkie-talkie in her hand as she looked around the room. The door had said 'Armory' but there was nothing to be found in here. Katie and Geoff were searching around too, sometimes in places the other had just looked.
After a couple minutes, the walkie-talkie spat out a gob of static, followed by laughter. "Haha, you guys," Mandy's voice could be hear amid her cackles. "The ensigns on this ship are called Cannonfodder!"
"That's... not good," Eva replied.
"But predictable," said Gwen.
"Will you maggots stop playing around?" Chef bellowed, startling all those who were holding a walkie-talkie. "Sound off NOW, worms!"
"Cranky jerk," Mandy grumbled. "This is Team 1 of Mandy, DJ, and Noah."
"Team 2 of Carol, Tyler, and Sadie at the ready," Carol said.
"Team 3 of Eva, Izzy, and Beth, ready to fight," barked Eva.
"Team 4 of Yoshi, Clive, and Cody, reporting in," said Yoshi.
"Team 5 of Anita, Geoff, and Katie, all good," reported Anita.
"Team 6 of Gwen, Joel, and unfortunately Colin," said Gwen.
"Now get cracking, maggots," Chef Hatchet snapped.
Carol's stammer could be heard next. "But there aren't any aliens around yet-"
"I SAID GET CRACKING! SO CRACK SOMETHING!"
"Yes, Master Chief," Carol whimpered, then the others heard her sobbing loudly. "No wonder Billy didn't want me, I don't crack well enough."
Sadie could be heard trying to comfort her as Anita shook her head. "That Chef Hatchet is one bombastic bully," she muttered. "He doesn't really give orders so much as yell at us."
"You think we can still win?" Katie asked her.
"Of course we can. The aliens won't know what hit them when they board this shi-"
The whole ship shook with a terrible impact, but stronger in the room they were in; it threw them right off their feet. Anita struggled to stand up when she saw claws ripping the wall, the wall that protected them from outer space's cruel vacuums.
She froze in mid-stance when those claws ripped apart the metal walls, and then retracted. Aliens poured through, looking around as they exited from the maw of the pod that had secured itself to the side of the ship.
"Run," Katie whimpered, and promptly ran into the door. It had sealed shut, and nothing she could do would open it. "Why won't Mr. Door let us run?" she shrieked, pounding on the door.
"Breach in hull detected," the console for the door (hey, it's sci-fi, everything talks) chirped. "Door will not open until clearance is given."
"That doesn't even make sense," Geoff hollered. "Why would a door not open from the inside if there was a breach? Obviously someone inside wants to escape the breach?"
"Damn sci-fi B-movie flaws," Anita growled, staring down an alien that was staring at her chest. "Well, there's only one thing to do."
"Cry?" Katie whimpered.
"Party?" Geoff asked.
"Both," Anita said, raising her plasma gun at the alien leering at her. "And go down fighting."
When perverted alien became goo, all the aliens charged forward. The three went down screaming, and outside, Team 3 could hear their final cries.
"That's so horrible," Beth whimpered. "I mean, I know they're not feeling pain and they're not really dead and it's all just a game, but-"
"But that's part of what makes it so much fun," Eva said, grinning as she turned on her laser sword. "Let them come, I'll kill every last one of them."
"Excellent choice of words," Izzy cheered, "my muscular momma!"
"I told you to never, ever call me that again."
"And when do I ever listen to anyone?"
"That's not very polite, Izzy," Beth chastised her.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening," Izzy chirped, smiling innocently. "What did you say?"
Beth sulked for a second, but it was only a second as the aliens were clawing violently at the door, breaking through it. Eva stabbed one through the hole it made, then began lunging at every alien that dared poke through.
"She'll kill them all before they even get out of the room," Beth cheered.
Of course, everyone knows what happens when you speak too soon in scenarios like this. The door actually started to bulge, and the chatter of the aliens behind it was deafening. Nothing was striking or clawing the door, it just seemed to have a great force pushing against it.
Izzy was grinning like the mad woman she was. "There's too many," she explained to a confused Beth. "There's so many in there, it's like trying to fill a water balloon with too much syrup. Eventually, something's going to burst."
"There's going to be that many aliens?"
"And more. Chris probably spiked the amount that will come forth from each pod as a way to spite us."
"That's... that's really not good."
"You have a way with understatements," Eva said, managing a smile for her friend.
The door burst, flung across the hall and into the wall, and the aliens poured out like water. Eva was on one side, Izzy and Beth on the other, but the aliens were too confused and trying to get untangled.
"Alright, Beth girl, they're sitting ducks," Izzy said to the startled farm girl. "Let loose a mighty battle cry, something like... ahem...
"DEVIANT ART SUCKS!" [4]
All three girls took to fighting the aliens that struggled to get organized in their not-at-all organized alien swarm manner. They scrambled around the three girls even, but failed to attack from behind, most likely still disoriented or even afraid of Izzy and Eva.
...
"Die," Mandy shouted, stabbing an alien through the face with her laser sword. "Good! You did as you asked!"
"Do you really need to talk down to them too?" Noah asked, rolling his eyes as he shot at the approaching aliens. "I mean, seriously, they're not that bright to begin with."
"Speaking of not-too-bright, when is the big teddy bear going to realize he's twice your size?"
Noah looked around to see DJ was still hiding behind him. "I'll never understand," the bookworm muttered, "how you got into sports with that attitude."
"I'd very much like my mom now," DJ whimpered.
"Why would you want her here, it's not exactly the place where she'd be safe," Mandy replied, slicing another alien in half.
"Oh, you don't know my mom."
...
Sadie screamed as an alien lunged for her, only to be blasted away by Carol. Tyler let out a cheer, and pumped his fist. "Excellent shot, Carol!"
"Thank you, handsome," she replied, high-fiving the jock. "I'm so killing all of them, for... for BILLY!"
Carol fell down to her knees, sobbing and punching the floor. "Why why why? Why couldn't I have worked at an airport or something?"
Sadie and Tyler exchanged looks, and tried to think of what to do, especially when more aliens started to come at them. Then a bunch of plasma shots came from behind them, and all of the aliens were reduced to goo.
They looked around to see Chef Hatchet holding a really big gun, a gatling plasma gun. Steam came from the barrels as he glared at the teenagers. "How dare you all freeze up? And you, short girl-"
"DON'T CALL ME SHORT!"
"Stop your blubbering, and stand up! We are soldiers, fighting warriors, the deadliest of them all."
Sadie bit her bottom lip, Tyler scratched the back of his head, and Carol wiped tears from her eyes. They did not look like warriors to Chef, so he decided to motivate them.
"What you need is your adrenaline pumping, a near-death experience," Chef roared. He pointed at some more aliens coming at them. "Charge at them!"
"That's really no necessary," Tyler spoke up. "Considering how many there are, and-"
"I SAID," Chef shouted as he picked up Tyler, "charge them!" He threw the jock into the fray.
Tyler, screaming as he flew through the air, crashed into an alien headfirst. He accidentally let go of his laser sword, and in his stunned state, the aliens swarmed him and ripped him apart.
As Sadie and Carol watched in horror, Chef saluted in pride. "That's how you win a war," he exclaimed. "You charge into the fray, and fight the enemy head-on!"
(Maclean Stadium, Arena)
Tyler gasped as the VR system released him. Grumbling in frustration, he stomped away from the machine. "That stupid cook, what a bogus way to go."
"I'll say," Xander said, shaking his head and patting him on the back. "But don't worry, your team is gonna win."
"Oh come on, we have that big, stupid fool on our side."
"Yeah, but guess what I found out," the rebel said. "Chris has programmed more aliens for my team."
"Why would he do that?"
"Beats me."
Tyler shook his head and walked off. Nearby, Duncan and Hannah were watching the fights on the large screens. The punk was cackling with laughter over the aliens' deaths. "This is great," he exclaimed. "Better than any other alien movie I've watched! And the coolest part is, I know all the actors!"
Hannah chuckled. "Sure is an exciting spectacle."
"Hey, wanna take bets on who is going to die next?"
"That's not in my nature, sorry."
"I think Lindsay will die next. Girls who are all bod and no brain don't last long."
Something hit him up the back of the head, and that something was Hannah's hand. When the punk looked at her in astonishment, she shook a finger at him and said, "That was not appropriate."
Duncan rubbed the sore spot. "Dang... why are girls insisting on hitting me so often?"
"Maybe if you were a little more polite?"
(Janitor's Closet - I'm taking bets!)
Duncan - "Dang... I don't know what's wrong with me, but after that Christian chick slapped me upside the head... I started thinking how hot she really was! Don't let Courtney hear that, please."
Chef Hatchet - "ARGH! Why must they keep calling for edits?"
Tyler - "Well, our team is dead. Totally screwed because of that stupid cook. Dang man, we could have rocked the challenge! But you know... things still seem worse for the other team."
Geoff - "Man... eliminated so quickly! Katie was fine about it, but Anita looked a little upset. All I know is that our team is doomed, the Troopers stand no chance."
Chris Maclean - "Man, I'll do everything I can to make sure the Predators lose, and that Ezekiel gets voted off."
Tyler - *popping up behind Chris and startling the heck out of him* "I KNEW IT! I won't let you!"
*He tackles Chris, who trips on the ping-pong balls, and the closet is trashed in their struggle.*
Rodney - "To any aliens watching us from afar and upset at our callous interpretation of extraterrestrial life, our sincere apologizes." *He chuckles and waves at the camera.* "And if you do exist, you're welcome to land in Canada! We're friendly and a really nice country, just please bunch up because it's a little cold."
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Which team of space-exploring survivors will make it through this challenge: the Troopers or the Predators?
Will Chris' plan work? Will it not? So how much involvement is that host really allowed?
And do you believe that aliens exist? If they do, would they be smart enough to contact us, or smarter and avoid the human race?
The Troopers (Led by Chef):
Team 1 - Mandy, DJ, Noah
Team 2 - Sadie, Carol
Team 3 - Beth, Eva, Izzy
Team 4 - Clive, Cody, Yoshi
Team 6 - Gwen, Colin, Joel
Dead - Katie, Anita, Geoff, Tyler.
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The Predators (Led by Groucho):
Team 1 - Leshawna, Rodney, Zachary
Team 2 - Valerie, Ezekiel, Harold
Team 3 - Sakaki, Alfred, Sebastian
Team 4 - Arthur, Bridgette, Belinda
Team 5 - Lindsay, Courtney, Crystal
Team 6 - Heather, Justin.
Dead - Xander.
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Janitor Closet's Decorations to Date - Mystery Science Theater 3000 Poster on the wall, Noah's Old Cot, Throw Pillows tossed about, crowbar imbedded in the left wall, elbow-shaped dent in right wall, ping-pong balls scattered all over the floor.
[1] - So why isn't Ezekiel in the Total Drama World Tour flyer yet, HMMM?
[2] - The "Christianity is the religion for losers" was something along the lines of something once said by Ted Turner, who has a large influence in American TV. I figured if that's the kind of person who makes the calls, someone who puts teenagers through torture for entertainment would be just as bad.
[3] - Noah rolled his eyes. "Could the teams be more obvious? Everyone on Team Troopers has a name that's five letters or less."
Katie nodded. "Oh yeah, and everyone on Team Predators has a name six letters or longer! Kind of funny how it didn't work when Chris wanted to lead, his name wouldn't fit with five letters, but Groucho does!"
[4] - Deviant Art permanently banned my account and a friend of mine for something we did in a few exchanged of posts. I think that kind of tolerance is hypocritical, since Deviant Art allows some of the most horrid things I've ever seen, and I don't mean bad art. Anyone who linked stuff to my DA profile, by the way, will need to see my new profile, which is also named KoboldNecromancer. Sound familiar?
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Next Up - More aliens, more pods, more wonderful carnage!