Chapter 32

The past few days had been the same; JJ would get up at the normal time and pretend to go to work. She felt bad for not being honest with Emily. Although in truth Hotch was right, she needed to take some time out for herself. She spent time at home, shopping and walking around the local park. Anything to give her some fresh air, recharge the batteries. She had been trying to work out a plan. A way to get Emily to pull her walls down slightly. Anything would be better than her just sighing and shrugging all the time.

JJ wondered if she pulled down her walls slightly and told Emily things she kept to herself would help bridge the gap, maybe Emily knowing something about JJ that no one else knew would help pull Emily's walls down slightly. She knew it had to be done carefully. She had seen and heard the fear so clearly in her eyes and her voice. There was no longer any life to it. Broken, worn down, like a deep dark void. JJ had tried to push her, but she just couldn't push her too much. She didn't want to add to her pain. She couldn't be the bullish person, pushing her before she was ready.

Again, she turned the key in the door; she couldn't help the slight sigh escaping her lips as she was once again greeted by a cold and dark condo. She flicked the heating on as she made her way into the kitchen, flicking the coffee machine on before removing her shoes, scarf and coat. She pulled the food out ready for her to put in the oven. It would take a good half hour to cook, and it could take that long just to Emily out of bed.

She knocked on the door gently before opening it. "Hey." JJ said softly knowing she'd be awake.

"Hey." There was a hollowness in her voice these days, as though she had nothing inside her.

"This room needs a good clean and some air circulating around as well." JJ said firmly as she made her way over to the bed. "And these sheets need a good wash."

Emily nodded. "Sorry."

JJ gave her a kind smile as she perched herself on the bed. "Don't be." She held out her hand slightly allowing Emily to entwine their fingers. "Come on, dinner will be ready soon." Emily gave her none verbal nod as she moved slightly.

"I want you to eat this time Em," JJ said giving her a pointed look. "Not just pushing your food around the plate."

Emily closed her eyes slightly. "I'll try."

JJ nodded slightly as she tugged on her hand. "Come on."

JJ placed the coffee cup in front of Emily before finishing off the meal; she had plated it up before placing it in front of Emily. Chicken with Mediterranean vegetable's. JJ watched her for a moment before she began to talk.

"Did I ever tell you I had a sister?" JJ asked softly.

"No." Emily said before she looked up so she was looking straight at JJ. "What do you mean had?" Emily asked. Her mind had already jumped to the fact she might be dead, but her brain wasn't fully working anymore.

"She died." JJ paused. "She committed suicide." JJ smiled slightly. "She was my everything; I would have been eleven when she died."

"I'm sorry." Emily said as she looked at her.

"Don't be." She paused. "I know what it is like to lose someone you love, someone that was your everything. I may have only been young when it happened but what I do know is it never goes away it just hurts less as time goes on. You don't forget them, you cherish the memories you have of them." JJ rested her hand on Emily's. "I know it isn't the same as what you're going through, but I just want you to understand I know it gets better; I know the pain will lessen in time."

Emily nodded slightly. "She was so mad when she left."

JJ looked at her for a moment. "Why was she mad?" JJ pushed slightly.

"I always felt I wasn't good enough for her. She deserved so much more than I could offer her."

JJ frowned. "Why on earth do you think that?" JJ asked.

"I was the reason she lost her parents." Emily sighed. "You asked why I knew and know so much about aversion therapy."

JJ nodded slightly. "Em, you don't need to do this if you don't want." JJ said softly as she could see the familiar glistening as tears began to well in her eyes.

"I know." Emily said softly. "When they found out we were 'dating' they didn't just hit the roof they went." Emily shook her head. "I honestly thought at one point they were going to kill me."

"Seriously?" JJ asked slightly taken back.

"Seriously. In their eyes, I had poisoned their baby girl against them. I had made her do these unnatural things." Emily shrugged slightly. "A month after she graduated, they whisked her off to some Christian retreat centre. Every time I asked about her. I was told in no uncertain terms that they had sent her away to be fixed." Emily scoffed slightly. "They made it sound like she was broken, but when she came back she was broken." Emily shook her head slightly as she wiped the stray tear away.

"I don't know how you could do that to your own kid." JJ said softly.

Emily gave a slight smile. "The therapy had done some damage and it took me another two years for her to fully come back to me, two years to fully heal from what they did to her." Emily's voice rose slightly as she spoke.

"You don't need to do this Emily." JJ said softly as she reached out her hand.

"I know." She paused slightly. "But I do need to do this." Emily said slightly firmer than before. "I vowed that day to never let her get hurt again. Never put her in a position where someone could judge her life style again."

"Is that part of the reason?"

Emily nodded not giving JJ chance to finish. "I could cope with the jokes and the teasing about my sexuality, but Stacy had already been through too much and I just couldn't risk her being hurt again." Emily said in more of a whisper.

"You really think we'd judge you like that?" JJ asked slightly hurt by Emily admission.

"At first yes, I didn't know any of you well enough, then as time went on I just didn't know how to drop the bombshell on you." She sighed slightly. "But me trying to protect her." Emily shook her head. "She thought I was ashamed of her. God that was so wrong. But my fear was the reason I kept her hidden away from you all." She scoffed slightly. "And I know you'd have loved her, you all would have."

JJ had moved off her seat wrapping her arm around a now sobbing Emily, her hand ran up and down her back in comfort. "Emily none of what happened was your fault." JJ whispered.

"It is." Emily said in between sobs. "I should have given her a reason not to go."

"Oh Emily, it was work related right?" JJ paused. "The accident?"

Emily nodded as she tried to control herself. However, it only made her break down more. It was as though someone had turned a tap on inside her and she couldn't do anything to control herself.

"How can that be your fault." JJ said softly. "What if the roles were reversed would you want Stacy blaming herself for what happened to you?" JJ said carefully.

Emily tried to calm herself down; she managed to calm herself so she was able to speak. "Got my just deserts though." The comment was out there before she had engaged her brain fully.

"You didn't ask for this Emily." JJ scolded slightly. "What he did to you, what he put you through. No, matter what you had or hadn't done. You didn't and don't deserve to be going through this." The last part came out as a whisper as tears threatened to fall. "There is only one person to blame and that's him." She said in a firm voice.

"Sorry." Emily whispered as she leaned more into JJ. "I am so lost." Emily mumbled slightly as the sobs lessened.

JJ nodded not fully trusting her voice. "How am I meant to deal with this JJ? How am I meant to." She buried her face into the nook of JJ's neck.

"I wish I had the answers Em." JJ said softly as she placed a light kiss on the top of her head. "All I do know is bottling it all up is doing you no good. Hiding away is only going to hurt you more." JJ said softly.

Emily nodded slightly she placed a slight kiss on JJ's collarbone. "Thank you."

JJ frowned slightly. "Why you saying thank you?"

"For being here."

JJ pulled her closer. "You don't need to thank me. I know you'd do the same for me." JJ said honestly.