Disclaimer - All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, and the creators of TDI. No profit is being made in the making of the fanfiction. This alternate-universe episode of TDI contains stunts performed by written teens. Please don't try any of this at home. If intelligent life does exist out there, do not be offended with this rather unflattering interpretation; heck, you probably have thought it once or twice too.
The Kobold Necromancer's Notes - As the violence against aliens, and violence committed by them, I have to announce that Izzy has won the poll on who is the deadliest of the TDI characters, absolutely smoking all others. Now it's time for you to vote on who of the new characters is the most deadly.
Warning - There's violence in this challenge, lots of alien and human deaths. I know that's nothing important to any of you, but since people pitch giant fits over sex whenever I write about it, I am going to act like violence is just as bad. Which it friggin' should be.
Chapter 31 - Stardate Thursday, Aliens Eat Free
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(Maclean Stadium, Arena)
Anita sighed and shook her head. "You know, it's really not as much fun to watch these VR challenges. It's just so much more delightful to be in them."
"I dunno, I think the aliens are scary," Katie admitted. "It's also, like, so less stressful now that we don't have to fight."
"Our team is down four, theirs one. I really hope this setback won't cause us a loss."
"Chill, babe," Geoff said to her, offering a smile. "It's all cool, why do you sound so stressed?"
"I just was never good at sitting on the sidelines," Anita admitted, shrugging.
"I know the feeling," Tyler said, rolling his eyes when he saw Chef on the large screens.
Xander, sitting near them, merely chuckled. "Least you four have it easy for your side. You may be losing now, but I doubt that'll last."
"What makes you say that?" Geoff asked.
"Chris obviously has it in for our team. Trust me, we'll lose this if he amps it up."
Anita pat the rebel's shoulder, smiling at him. "Now don't worry, this is going to be a fair fight. You don't have to worry about anything..."
She was distracted when she saw Cody on the big screens, fighting off aliens. She swooned as she watched him fire his laser gun and destroyed the aliens around him. He almost shot Eva, who had been cut off from her group, and then motioned for her to join them. This did not settle well with Anita.
"Oh come on," Anita shouted, rising from her seat and stomping her fist. "Why does she always have to be with him!"
(Janitor's Closet - Night of the bloody beasts.)
Anita - *sulking and crossing her arms* "It's getting infuriating how often Eva is with Cody. If it keeps up like this, I'm going to lose my chance at dating the sexiest techgeek there is!" *She grabs her head in frustration, then calms down and sighs.* "Maybe I should have been more forward when I had time. Next time, I swear I will be!"
Geoff - "All this talk of dating and treachery and what not and so on, it makes me feeling guilty again. Oh why did I vote off Bridgette's stepbrother? It's karma that killed me in the game, dudes, karma!" *He starts crying.*
Xander - *He opens his mouth to speak, then sniffs the air.* "Smells like guilt and shame in here. Anyway, maybe I'm overreacting to this whole bias thing. Chris wouldn't tilt the game that much, would he?"
Chris Maclean - "Hehe, I'm flattered Xander has faith in me, but rebel boy is wrong. Because Joel had something set for the sci-fi challenges, something that is called the B-Movie Setting. You see, you can program it to make things more amusing, or in some cases..."
(The Predators. Team 3 - Alfred, Sakaki, Sebastian)
The shrasher swung it's arm at Sakaki, hitting her in the stomach. She collapsed to the ground like a sack of potatoes (or something else, if you don't like potatoes). Sebastian and Alfred were quick to kill the alien, and all its little friends. That wasn't enough to save the moe girl, however.
"Sakaki," Sebastian cried out as he held her in his arms, flabbergasted at how she was dead. "How... how did that alien kill her? All it did was hit her!"
Alfred ground his teeth, tilting his hat in honor of the fallen girl. "I think Chris Maclean has activated the B-Movie Settings."
"That sounds... cheap."
"And thus, the clichés of B-grade sci-fi movies applies to our game. Joel told me about it, because we both watch bad movies."
"How do bad sci-fi movies explain why Sakaki's dead?" Sebastian asked, gently lying her body on the floor.
"You see, in quite a few bad movies, the alien or monster just hits someone, like a chop or a whack, and people fall down dead. It's their cheap way of showing how the alien is strong."
"All that alien did was hit her stomach with his arm!"
"And that's how people die in bad movies."
Sebastian seethed, tugging at one of his dreadlocks. "You know what, as a philosopher, I have to say about this?"
"No, what dude?"
"Phooey."
Alfred chuckled, and picked up Sakaki's laser gun. Now dual wielding them, he held them up and grinned. "Let's blow away B-movie aliens, for Sakaki."
Sebastian managed to smile and fist-bump his friend. "For Sakaki."
As they slashed and shot more aliens, the philosopher mused, "Say, what do you think the others are dealing with?"
"Beats me, but it's probably just as bad."
(The Troopers. Team 1 - DJ, Mandy, Noah.)
"Is it just me," DJ asked his teammates, "or does that alien have a zipper down his back?"
Noah took note of that, and face-palmed. "Seriously, it does. We're fighting low-budget aliens now?"
"Hey, you can see the strings on that one," Mandy chirped, pointing at an alien that was thrashing like a puppet. She cackled and slashed it to pieces.
A very large alien came around the corner. As large as a man and claws as long as three feet, it was an imposing sight. Well, it would have been, had it not looked very much like...
"Now we're fighting men in rubber suits?" Noah balked, pointing at the alien. He groaned and shot at it. The alien's chest fizzled, and it fell to the ground with a death rattle. "This is getting more and more pathetic."
"This is getting more and more delightful," Mandy exclaimed, cleaving cheesy alien after fake-looking alien. "It's like the B-movie I've always wanted to see, with a kick-ass heroine cleaving up the badly-made aliens!"
DJ looked between his two teammates, wondering how to add to this conversation. Then an alien leapt at him and started gnawing at his chest. He shrieked and started running around in circles. "Get it off, get it off," he wailed.
Mandy instantly came to his side, and swung her laser sword with great accuracy, slicing the alien and not DJ. She examined the damage, and said, "Wow. A vicious creature with claws and teeth attacks your chest, and all it does is rip your shirt a little."
DJ looked down at his torn shirt, and sighed. "Mama will kill me if she finds out I ruined this shirt."
"Not real, DJ. But speaking of real, have you thought about who you're going to date in this season?"
The gentle giant stared at the cultist, who stared at him with her hands on her hips. Noah, nearby, rolled his eyes as he finished off the rest of the aliens, and checked the nearby rooms for supplies.
"I... I hadn't thought of it," he admitted to her.
"Now come on," Mandy said with a dismissive wave of her hand, "all you mortals need to hook up, and the big teddy bear needs a girl to cuddle. How about Izzy?"
DJ shivered at the thought of going out with Izzy. "Um, I don't think she and I would be very good together-"
"Oh come on, she's my friend! She's a lot like me, and thus I think-"
Mandy stopped when she heard an alien chattering behind her. She turned and roared, then chased after the frightened predator, shrieking, "Get back here, you! I'll rip your intestines out and wear them on my head!"
DJ winced, watching the cultist girl disappear around the corner. He looked around helplessly as Noah emerged from one of the rooms, sighing in disbelief.
"Man, this stupid spaceship is devoid of good supplies," Noah muttered. "We gotta find the armory, because these laser pistols and a sword aren't going to be enough in the long run."
He looked over at DJ, frowning. "And it doesn't help that you haven't so much as fired your gun yet, DJ."
"Sorry man, but I cannot work myself up that kind of aggression-"
"You're going to have to if you want to survive this," Noah snapped. "Now where's Mandy... ah, there you are," he said as she came back around the corner. "Let's hunt for the armory, and... what is that on your head!"
(Janitor's Closet - Monster A-Going Going.)
Sebastian - "The fight was pretty grisly once the aliens started getting B-movie powers. Sakaki seemed alright after the whole challenge was over, though."
Sakaki - *looking down and mumbling softly* "I didn't watch it, it was really gross."
Mandy - *impishly sticking out her tongue* "Yeah, I'm happy to call Izzy my friend. She's cool in so many ways, and I'd love to help her hook up. I know people say she 'killed C'thulhu' last season, but that was an octopus, people! An octopus nicknamed after the Old God, and thus, she didn't kill the Old God himself!"
DJ - "There's got to be a normal girl somewhere in this contest that's not taken."
Chris Maclean - "No, DJ, there really isn't."
Noah - "I have to say, the alien challenge, when it started to get B-movie, it felt lame at first. Then it actually got to be quite fun, then it became lame when Mandy started 'torturing' the aliens by cutting the strings, unzipping their backs, and pushing them over and calling them names."
"It's like someone cloned Izzy, removed the color in her hair, and made her slightly more sadistic. Those two deserve matching straight jackets, with BFF on the back: Biggest Freaks Forever."
(The Predators. Team 4 - Arthur, Belinda, Bridgette.)
Arthur dove into a room, avoiding the long claws of a large alien that were lashing out at him. When the creature tried to squeeze in, he shot a couple lasers into its head. Quickly gathering his surroundings, he saw several dead crew mates, one holding a large gun with glowing double-barrels.
Out in the hallway, Bridgette and Belinda were fighting off the incoming swarm. The clairvoyant was making it look easy, because she had a tendency to swing her sword or hold right where an alien would try to attack her.
"How do you do that?" Bridgette asked, watching in awe as Belinda polished off a few more aliens.
"It's easy to predict where the simple-minded are going to attack," Belinda said, smiling at her. "Think of it as to how a teenaged boy tries to court a girl."
"Awkwardly, eyes on the chest, and only one thing on his mind?"
The two shared a laugh, then Belinda held her sword up behind her for a leaping alien to impale itself on. The clairvoyant nodded, and said, "Yes, these aliens seem to attack the same way."
A large growl alerted their attention, and they turned to see a grub-like alien the size of a car crawling towards them. Bridgette shot at it with her laser gun, but the beast merely growled in irritation.
Arthur came out of the room with his plasma shotgun, took aim, and blew a hole in the side of the car-sized alien the size of a car door. The alien thrashed about, and it's head knocked Arthur back in the room.
Belinda rushed over to help him with the giant grub alien, then Bridgette's scream startled her. She turned to see an alien pulling her up into the air duct above. "Oh, not this cliché," she shouted, rushing over to grab her friend and pull down. "Air ducts are not big enough for anything big to fit in them."
Bridgette would have agreed, but was in too much of a panic. She reached up and shot with her laser gun, and scored a grazing hit. This seemed to infuriate the air duct alien, and it grew in strength. With an incredible yank, it pulled Bridgette out of Belinda's arms and into the duct with it. The clairvoyant looked around, trying to think of what to do, as the ceiling was too far up for her to stab up into, even if she jumped.
She could hear Bridgette's death rattle up in the air vent, and saw the injured grub alien lurching at her. Silently cursing her inability to help either of her friends, she retreated with the large alien after her.
(Team 2 - Ezekiel, Harold, Valerie.)
Valerie swallowed at the sight of all the aliens coming down the hallway. "There's too many of them," she said to her partners.
"Yes," Harold said, grinning as he held his laser sword like if it was a katana blade, "which makes it the greatest challenge ever."
"Stop acting like it's a game," Valerie shouted, taking several steps back.
"Technically," Ezekiel mused, "it really is-"
"Oh shut up, Home School! You're the reason they're so aggressive! You saw how they tore up the useless extras!"
"Spraying chocolate sauce everywhere, eh. I didn't get that..."
"In B-movies before color, they used chocolate sauce in place of fake blood," Harold said. "Learned that at film camp-"
"Quit droning on like nerds," Valerie shouted, "and kill those drones!"
She pointed at the approaching horde of aliens, and Harold nodded. The nerd took a combat stance, and when the aliens were close, he leapt into the fray, swinging and cleaving. Ezekiel shot at the aliens with accuracy, while Valerie just shot blindly. She almost hit Harold, but luckily, he deflected it with the laser sword and killed another alien.
The aliens continued to swarm, and Valerie felt panic overtake her. She sprinted off, startling Ezekiel. "Wait, Valerie," he called out. "We have to protect Harold from the-"
He was cut off when a rampaging alien came from the swarm attacking Harold, and picked up the prairie boy in its charge. Running down the hallway, it crashed into a wall. The slobbering alien grinned at its captive, and raised its large claw to impale him.
A loud blast echoed throughout the hallways, and the alien lost most of its head and back. Falling down on Ezekiel, the prairie boy cried out as the corpse hit him. Arthur, after blowing the smoke away from the barrels of his plasma shotgun, removed the corpse and helped Ezekiel up. "Hey, prairie boy, what are you doing on your own?"
"Got separated," he managed to stammer out. "Valerie ran, Harold fighting the aliens."
Ezekiel led Arthur to where Harold was fighting the aliens, only he wasn't there anymore. Just all kinds of alien corpses littering the ground. In their search for Harold, they found Valerie's body, slashed up by the aliens.
"Oh, what a shame," Arthur remarked, rolling his eyes. "Pink girl didn't make through the alien invasion."
"These challenges are a lot moo'r terrifying than they normally are," Ezekiel said as he picked up Valerie's gun near her body. "Some people just doo'nt react well to realistic monsters coming at them."
"You're too generous, but Home School, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."
Aliens started to swarm at them, screaming for blood. Arthur blasted with his plasma shotgun, Ezekiel using two laser guns, and the aliens were becoming one awful mess. As they shot, Arthur picked the conversation up again.
"So listen, we all know that Chris is aiming for you to get eliminated, right?"
"Yeah, he's being a dickweed, but nothing I can do a'boot it, eh."
"Actually, if we lose, why don't you and I make a pact to make sure someone else goes?"
Ezekiel bit his lip as more aliens bit the dust. "Well, about alliances, I really-"
"Dude, I feel the same, only I know it's because of your girlfriend. Myself, it's for perfectly selfish reasons. I want to stay in the game."
Arthur chuckled as he blasted another alien's head off. Ezekiel looked at him and asked, "You really like being in the contest, eh?"
"Are you kidding? I'm fighting aliens on a spaceship with a futuristic shotgun," he exclaimed, cackling. "This is the coolest day of my life! I want to stay in this contest as long as I can!"
(The Troopers. Team 4 - Cody, Clive, Eva, Yoshi.)
Cody was struggling with an aytaur alien that had pinned him down. Eva ripped it off of him, then literally ripped the alien apart. With her bare hands.
"No one tries to kill my friend while I'm around," Eva said, wiping the purple blood off and then helping Cody off.
"Thank you, beautiful," he said as he stood. She blushed slightly, and scratched the back of her head; she forgot she was still holding her laser sword in that hand, and accidentally lopped off her ponytail.
"Argh," she remarked, trying to cover the damage with her free hand. Cody cocked his head to the side and clicked his tongue.
"Say, that doesn't look so bad," he mused, smiling at her.
As they exchanged looks, Yoshi turned to them in mid-swing. "Will you two stop exchanging fond looks? We've got aliens to kill!"
Eva and Cody didn't seem to hear, and Yoshi looked at Clive, who was brooding in a corner, tapping his laser gun against his temple. The warrior snarled and exclaimed, "Do I have to do everything myself?" He charged into the horde of aliens, slashing and slicing and making a real mess. As the carnage continued, Cody and Eva continued their conversation.
"No, I'm not joking, I think it looks good short!"
"I've never had it short in my life. Got enough people making fun of me for being tough, don't want them to call me butch or anything like that."
"That's just guys who don't like a girl who can be tough on their own. Me, I love a girl able to do that."
He grinned, and before things could get better, a warbling growl from the other hallway startled them both. A giant grub alien was inching towards them, hideous maw open. Cody's shots at it didn't slow it down, and Eva wasn't too keen on getting close to it.
Then Clive stood up, and took careful aim. He shot the alien's eyes, then into its mouth. As the blind grub alien with a sizzling epiglottis writhed in pain, the emo boy walked up and placed the barrel of his laser gun to what could have been the grub's forehead, and blew its brains (though not much of them) out.
Clive wiped alien grub brains off his gun, and looked at Eva and Cody. "Well, someone had to do it."
Eva scoffed. "Fine, emo boy. Go help Yoshi."
The emo looked down the other hallway, and what looked like a giant purple blob walked towards them. It wasn't until the blob raised a blobby arm up to its blobby eyes to wipe away its own blobbiness that Clive saw a very angry pair of asian eyes.
"In fighting, or cleaning up?" Clive asked, raising one of his eyebrows.
"If we find the showers, I need it real bad," Yoshi commented as he shook his head to get the blob out of his ears. "And a cold one for the couple in forming there, if they cannot pay attention!"
(Team 2 - Carol, Chef Hatchet, Sadie.)
The three were shooting at aliens that came from the hallways, and also from a ripped-open gap in the air duct. Though Carol was an excellent shot and Sadie wasn't doing bad, they apparently weren't doing good enough for Chef.
"You call that shooting? I know flying geese that crap with better aim!"
"These aliens aren't going to kill themselves, why not just throw yourselves at them?"
"Is that all you two got? You two shoot like girls!"
Carol glared at Chef for that last remark. "We are girls, Chef-"
"Don't talk back to me, soldier!"
Carol "eep"ed and nodded, thinking how she might be thrown at the aliens like Tyler had been. As the aliens continued to swarm, someone ran into Sadie's back, knocking her over. Sadie struggled, but stopped when she realized the one who ran into her was now looking for her glasses.
"Sorry," Beth stammered, retrieving her seeing device and putting it back on her face. "I got lost, and-"
"No excuses, you pathetic excuse of a soldier," Chef barked, right in Beth's face. The farm girl whimpered in fear, then hung her head in shame. "Now where's Crazy Girl?"
"Izzy? Um, we got separated after we were attacked-"
"You let Crazy Girl out of your sight? You truly are useless, you short... useless shortie!"
Beth flinched, continuing to stare down in shame. She sniffed, and Sadie pat her back. "Chef," she said as she comforted Beth, "is it necessary to be so mean?"
"Shut it, fat soldier," Chef barked, then turned to Carol. "And you, shorter than shortie, keep shooting!"
"The aliens are all dead!"
"That's no excuse!"
Sadie groaned and shook her head, which Chef saw. "I saw you groan and shake your head," he shouted. "Now you shape up or shove off! No wonder your tropes and idioms are all about how you three are lazy!"
"Our what?" Beth repeated.
"Well, actually they don't say that, but they should!"
(Janitor's Closet - Attack of the the Alien Creatures.)
Chris Maclean - "Perhaps I should explain. Television tropes and idioms are the labels we use for things we see a lot in television, or movies, or the like. Like Handsome Host, like this show has." *He grins, and his teeth shine.* "Our show has a lot of them, including for yours truly and all my glorious features. Oh, and the contestants too."
Belinda - "Ah, tropes and idioms. The ultimate attempt to make sure nothing is original anymore."
Sadie - "What's a trope again?"
*The screen next to the confessional cam's displays a description like Chris had said, and she reads it.* "Ohhhh, that makes sense. Well, that's rather interesting, I wonder what Katie's says."
Harold - "Oh, I know all about these kinds of things. See, Leshawna is my Tsundere, how could she resist in the end how my awesome skills are taken Up To Eleven?"
*Superimposed on the screen as he talks is "WTH IS HE SAYING?"*
"See, Leshawna may have been intimidated that this might have been a Harem Story for me, that I might have come off as a Mary Sue, but I have my flaws, my Berserk Button or two. My love for Leshawna is deep and pure, and my lust for her makes me a Chivalrous Pervert." *He grins and wiggles his eyebrows.* "Especially when she's Gainaxing."
Tyler - "I haven't heard about this kind of stuff. What tropes am I under?"
*The screen shows what tropes have been labeled. Tyler reads his, and gets mad.*
Tyler - "Oh, that's real nice! Jerks!"
Eva - *snarling* "I should have expected something that unflattering, and it's still pissing me off..."
Cody - *grinning* "Why thank you, I am a Chivalrous Pervert."
Valerie - *reads hers, and immediately gets furious* "What? How DARE you!"
Katie - "What do they mean, I'm 'Ambiguously Brown'? Don't they know my ethnic group? I'm-" *She is suddenly cut off.*
Arthur - *After reading his, he throws his fists into the air and bellows.* "I AM NOT A PREDICTABLE STEREOTYPE!"
Clive - "I am."
(The Predators. Team 1 - Leshawna, Rodney, Zachary.)
"Stupid racist aliens," Zachary shouted as he continued to shoot at the aliens. "They keep trying to kill the black people first."
"It's just us and the kid," Leshawna snapped, swinging her sword at the approaching aliens. Even the ones that were powerful chargers were hacked in two by her mighty swings.
"Well, actually," Rodney said, straightening his helmet as he took aim at aliens crawling on the ceiling, "since these aliens are trying to kill all humans, they are racist. They hate the human race."
"Don't try to reason with him, sugar," Leshawna muttered to the prodigy child, "he just wants to complain."
Rodney looked confused by this. "But why? We're in a virtual reality world, and the aliens are barely sentient-"
"It's just his nature. Concentrate on shooting the aliens."
Rodney nodded, and took aim. Then the whole spaceship shook, throwing everyone off their feet, claws, hooves, or whatever alien appendage the aliens had.
Leshawna growled as she picked herself up. "Great, the second pod must have connected to the ship! But where? And how many more aliens are coming from the first one?"
"Are those all rhetorical?" Rodney asked, confused. "Because sometimes, people ask them, but I'm not sure if they want them answered or not-"
"It was rhetorical, kid," Zachary shouted, and punched down on Rodney's head. He hurt his hand on the helmet, and cried out in pain. "Ow! You did that on purpose, you racist kid!"
"Oh no you didn't," Leshawna declared, grabbing Zachary's shirt and yanking him over to look him. "Look, you little twerp, we've got enough problems with the aliens and panicking extras and lack of firepower, we don't need you smacking our teammates around."
She smacked him, and added, "Now get back to fighting."
"Yes, ma'am!"
Zachary went back to shooting the aliens, who had also recovered too. Rodney tried shooting, and then something snatched him from behind. Leshawna and Zachary didn't even have time to react as the creature jumped back into the air duct.
"Waaaaaaaaugh," Rodney wailed. "Where are you taking me? And why are the air ducts so big on this ship?"
The alien continued to drag him, and then posed to strike when it had traveled far enough. Then the ship lurched again, and the alien lost its grasp. Its claw stabbed through the air duct, and accidentally tore through the panel, causing both to fall through. The alien hit its head, and Rodney bounced off it too. "Ow," the prodigy remarked, stumbling to get back on his feet.
The alien shook off its shock, then turned and hissed at the boy. He fumbled for his gun, and realized he had accidentally let go of it up in the duct. Rodney took a couple steps back, and prepared for the inevitable.
It wasn't inevitable, though. A laser blast to the back of the head blew the alien's noggin apart, spraying Rodney with that purple blood. The prodigy blinked, and looked up.
"Hey kid, what happened to you?" Justin asked.
Heather squat down next to Rodney, patting his helmet. "Good thing we came around, you would have been a bite-sized snack."
"Gee, way to comfort him," Justin snapped at Heather, who glared back at him.
"Oh don't fight," Rodney exclaimed, shaking his head. "We need to work together, now that the second pod has attached to the ship!"
Heather nodded. "You're right, kid. I mean, Rodney. Now let's get back to alien killing."
"But... I lost my weapon."
"Then stick close, and warn us if there's any aliens coming at us."
One of those aliens that looked like a man in a big, rubber suit came around the corner, and lumbered towards them, arms raised. Heather leapt at it, slicing off its limbs and then stabbing it through its rubber suit chest.
"Wow," Rodney marveled.
"Wow indeed," Justin remarked. "When did she become a sword master, eh?"
(Team 5 - Courtney, Crystal, Groucho, Lindsay)
"So, I have something I want to ask you, Harpo."
"Groucho. What is it, Admiral Lindsay Herhotness?"
"How did you learn to talk?"
The duck stared at her, puzzled. "What do you mean? You talk, don't you?"
"Oh, you're right," Lindsay replied, giggling. She corrected her naval officer hat and added, "I guess that was a silly question!"
"Why on Earth are you calling her that too?" Courtney snapped at the duck. "All we did was visit the locker room, and she put on that uniform! She's not an admiral, and even if she was, admirals are for the Navy-"
"Blimey, no need for such fury," Crystal said, patting her shoulder. "It's the future, hon, things are just different now."
Courtney seethed, then shook her head. "Okay then, fine. Just be on your guard, with that second pod attached to the ship, we need to pick up the pace-"
An alien dove from the air duct, pouncing the CIT and pinning her to the ground. Lindsay and Groucho were knocked away by the impact, and the creetle snarled, trying to slash her.
"Now how can an alien fit in the air duct?" Courtney complained as she dodged the swipes at her face by squirming around. "Why would they make them that big? That design flaw is just bad-"
"Shut up," the alien barked.
"What? You aliens talk!"
"Why not? The duck talks!"
The alien raised its claw, and then was shot through the head with a laser shot. It crumpled and fell off of Courtney, who scrambled to her feet. Crystal helped her up, and added, "Sorry I didn't blast the git sooner, but his chin wag startled me."
"Me too. I cannot believe they're talking now! This could get troublesome."
Groucho snarled, and reached under his wing. "Better start using these babies," he said as he held a futuristic grenade.
"Hey, you can't use those," Courtney snapped. "You'll blow a hole through the ship and get us all sucked into space!"
"No I won't, these cannot puncture the hull of the ship."
"And how do you know that?"
"I helped design the ship with the captain."
Lindsay ooo'ed in awe as Courtney's jaw dropped in disbelief. "That's so cool," the blonde chirped. "How do you know the captain?"
"He was a duck too. Captain Quacktrap Wurdoomed was leading this ship, and it was going to be an all-duck crew. That's why the air ducts are bigger, so ducks can get through the duct."
Lindsay burst into laughter. "The air duck! I get it!"
She fell down laughing, earning glances from the others. Groucho continued over her laughter. "Anyway, our dear captain didn't get a duck crew, and now he's dead. I fight on in his honor, and thus, I'll bring every one of these aliens down."
"Down," Lindsay exclaimed, grinning ear to ear. "The duck's bringing down! I got that too!"
She laughed again, and Courtney shook her head. "This is the dumbest sci-fi styled movie I've ever heard of."
"There's been dumber," Groucho remarked. "Now, who wants a grenade?"
"I do, I do," Crystal cheered.
(Janitor's Closet - CIT of Space.)
Courtney - *fuming and crossing her arms* "A duck crew? Large air ducts? Admirals in outer space? What could be dumber than any of that? Honestly."
Admiral Lindsay Herhotness - "I figured the title was worthy of that adorable outfit I found. Beth told me she thought it was great too."
Rodney - "It's kind of sad how no matter how bad things get, people on teams still fight amongst each other. Oh why can't we all just get along?"
Zachary - "That Leshawna chick sure was bossy with me! I'll bet she's racist! ... Oh wait, no."
Leshawna - "Why exactly do sci-fi movies have to have swarms of aliens that only kill things? There's nothing logical about that." *She pauses when she realizes what she said.* "Yeah, Harold got me on Star Trek, what of it? He's a lovable nerd."
Justin - "If there is intelligent life out there, I hope it's not as ugly as the aliens we fought... wait, I feel like I've talked about this. Man, I gotta stop talking about beauty and such, Beth told me I go on about that..." *He stammers and looks around, then picks up a ping-pong ball.* "You know, someone should try to spruce up this closet."
Bridgette - *She looks at a large mirror that has been placed on the wall of the closet. She seems puzzled, and straightens her bangs.* "You know, I don't want to jinx it, but this mirror in here is an accident waiting to happen."
(The Troopers. Team 5 - Colin, Gwen, Joel.)
Joel leveled his plasma shotgun, and opened fire at the giant alien grub that was crawling at his team. After a couple shots, the beast was destroyed. The inventor sighed, and shook his head. "Man, that's the third one we've come across."
Gwen chuckled. "We've slaughtered each one. It's like an alien-killing paradise for me, inventor boy."
"Thank you, goth gal."
"Of course, it would be better if Colin would stop feeding crew mates to the giant alien grubs!"
Joel and Gwen both glared at Colin, who whistled innocently. "I was trying to make it so full that it wouldn't want to eat us. Forgive me for trying to save us."
"Least he's not team killing," Gwen whispered to Joel. "Good idea giving him your gun when you found that shotgun, he seems happy to hold as many lethal weapons as possible."
Joel nodded, and then the spaceship shook violently like when the first pod attached to the ship. The inventor managed to catch himself, and Gwen in the process. Colin was thrown off his feet and hit his head against the wall.
"Ow," he remarked.
Joel sighed as he steadied himself, allowing Gwen to steady herself. "That must mean the second pod has attached itself to our ship. And judging from the large amount of aliens we've fought alone, Chris has set the amount of aliens to each pod to an incredible amount."
"There's no way he set it to infinite, is there?" Gwen asked.
"No, I disabled that, that's for experts. But I didn't think of how high he could set it," the inventor admitted. He slapped his forehead and muttered, "For the love of a Wurwulf, I've doomed us."
"Now don't blame yourself. I'd much rather be doing this than something actually dangerous that Chris could think up. You joining the show was one of the best things I could think of."
"Wow, such kind words. I am flattered," he said, bowing slightly. "When did you get to be so nice? Pardon me for saying, but you haven't been too happy this season."
"Yeah, I can't really say why, but I feel the need to be nicer when he's around," she explained, jerking her thumb at the woozy Colin.
The ship echoed with fierce cries and howls of alien monsters. Gwen powered up her laser sword, and Joel cocked his plasma shotgun. "I'm gonna blend up those no-good aliens, and serve them for breakfast," Gwen snarled, then grinned. "Oh, I've always wanted to say that."
"Is that the exact quote?"
"I may have given it my own twist."
"Is anyone going to ask if I'm okay?" Colin asked, rubbing the back of his head.
"No," the two replied.
(The Troopers, Izzy.)
The redhead slowly approached the door of the room where the first pod had attached. She glanced in, seeing aliens mulling about as they guarded the first pod's entrance. Izzy also saw the bodies of Geoff, Katie, and Anita. This made her mad.
"Oh no no no," she snarled, holding up her weapon. "No one rips apart my friends, not even me. That task is only for one of my bear friends, should it be one of my friends I don't like, which would make them not really my friends, but I digress with myself. Time for me to stampede on the alien breed!"
Izzy stepped in the doorway, grinning wickedly. The aliens all glared at her, and bared their fangs, claws, and tails. The redhead didn't back down, not even when a large rubber suit alien stepped from the pod.
"You are too late, human," he snarled with an alien accent. "With the second attachment of our pod, we are adapting. We speak your language now, and soon, we will rip apart you and your little friends."
"My little friends? Well, funny you should mention that," Izzy said, her grin widening, "because I just happened to bring one of my little friends with me."
She pulled the weapon she had been hiding from sight up at her shoulder. It looked like a gataling gun big enough for antiaircraft purposes. The aliens squeaked in horror, and Izzy cackled.
"Well, alien freaks," she said, pointing the giant, plasma gatling gun at them, "you wanted to meet my little friends? Then say hello to my freaking big, huge friend!"
She let loose a rapid-fire firing of rapid plasma fires at the aliens. The aliens were torn apart, and the pod started to suffer some serious hits. Izzy cackled like the wild woman she was, and continued her assault. Aliens that tried to come out were chopped up.
"So how long until that pod dies, or detaches, or whatever happens when I shoot it?" Izzy asked rhetorically.
(Janitor's Closet - It Conquered Some of the Ship.)
Joel - "Vera was something I was working on during the break between seasons. After some help, we got the whole thing ready for the season. Maintenance is rather tricky, as there are few people who know how it works besides me. And they'd charge an arm and a leg, since Vera is like the most intricate computer ever made."
Gwen - *She sighs and shakes her head.* "I know, I know, I know I've been cranky this season. Hell, I still am, and no I'm not saying why, it's personal. But killing aliens does help my mood."
*She heaves out another sigh, and then looks at the mirror.* "Wow... I do look kind of scary when I'm mad." *She grins.* "Awesome."
Colin - "I just like to kill stuff, and this VR stuff really helps me! Why, I can destroy stuff and get away with it!" *He points at the mirror.* "Why I'd get in trouble if I broke stuff like this in real life... wait, no I wouldn't!"
*He picks up the mirror and throws it down on the ground, shattering it.* "And I don't believe in that bad luck crap either."
Chris Maclean - *He looks down at the glass shards all over, and shakes his head.* "Now why would anyone want to destroy something that gives you such a beautiful picture? For me, at least."
(The Predators. Team 3 - Alfred, Sebastian.)
The two teenaged boys walked down the hallway, keeping an eye out for any places the aliens might pop out. Alfred was also searching in every room, though he wasn't entirely focused.
"Alfred, we don't need to search the lady's shower room again," Sebastian chided him.
"Well, last time, we found a lot of the extra crew mates!"
The philosopher nodded. "Look, they said the armory was this way, so we need to get armed. That second pod is on the ship, you know."
Alfred stopped, looking around. Sebastian stopped too, looking at his friend. "What's wrong? Do you hear something?"
"No, I was just looking for who we were narrating for," he said, then grinned. "Sorry, I just felt we were acting a little silly."
Sebastian chuckled. "Yes, we do tend to speak out loud a little too often during these things. We should focus on-"
The ship shook again with a thunderous boom. Alfred was pitched into a room, Sebastian against the wall in the hallway. "Oh, are you kidding me?" the philosopher exclaimed. "We just had the second pod attach to the ship! Is the third one already-"
Then he was interrupted again, when the hull of the ship was torn away. He wouldn't be interrupted again, as the vacuum caused by the hole sucked him right out into space. The doors in the hallway sealed, and Alfred pounded on the one in his room.
"Hey, Sebastian," he called out. "Sebastian, what's happening out there? Why did you keep talking and then suddenly stop like if something bad happened?"
Alfred pounded on the door more, then realized it was kind of silly to uselessly pound at an electronically-sealed, futuristic door. He pressed his ear to it and whimpered, "Please answer me."
All he could hear was the rushing of air out the opening, as well as a few extras being sucked out. Then he heard some strange sounds, like an alien pod attaching itself to the hole it had caused in the hull. Alfred bit his bottom lip, and then heard the chattering of aliens.
"So did you hear that the Bardakers are going to win this year?" one asked.
"I just hope I set my LuVi to record Sex and the Hive, it's a new episode this week," another said.
"Can someone help me with my iBoard?" a third alien said. "It's not changing screens."
"Say, did you see the way that human with dreadlocks flew out in space? That was hilarious!"
Alfred seethed, and clenched his fists. He looked around the room for supplies, but only saw a door leading out the other way. He exited, and ran into another of the teams.
"Hey, American boy," Heather said, as Rodney ran up and hugged him around the waist. "Where's your team?"
"All dead," Alfred muttered, patting the prodigy's head. "Third pod's attached to the ship, they're in the adjacent hallway."
"Holy crap," Justin muttered. "Man, if even you sound upset, this may be really bad."
"Oh really?" Heather snapped, glaring at the hunk. "Three pods on the ship, and we've already been fighting endless waves."
"Maybe we should abandon ship now?" Rodney asked.
Alfred's face lit up. "He's right! Let's get off this rusty space-bucket! That's why he's the prodigy and we're not."
Heather sighed, shaking her head. "Look guys, we need to find some way to alert the others, let them know we're going to escape. We cannot let anyone behind."
The others all stared at her, and she blinked in surprise. "Um, what?"
"Just who are you, and what have you done with the Heather we all knew?" Justin asked.
"Ezekiel really changed you, wow," Rodney said in admiration.
Before the flustered Heather could protest, the door that Alfred just came through vibrated from a massive blow. The four flinched, and watched in horror as a giant scythe-like claw punctured through the door, and then ripped it apart.
"All for running like the wind?" Alfred motioned, and the others all exclaimed, "AYE!"
They beat a hasty retreat, but not all made it. Once the door was torn down, aliens of all kinds raced through. Justin was tackled by an aytaur alien, and the aliens swarmed and took him apart. Heather managed to seal a hallway door behind them while they were busy with this horrid deed, and this one would take longer to slash through.
(The Troopers, all over.)
Leshawna and Zachary were swarmed by a ton of aliens, all chattering and growling for blood. The large sister was not about to give hers, and they backed off when they realized she, with that sword, was a real killer queen, dynamite with a laser beam (from the laser gun). The reason she had a laser sword and laser gun was that Zachary was too busy whining, like always, and was pounded down by a rubber suit alien.
Giving a moment of silence to her fallen teammate, Leshawna headed off, wondering what to do now that the third pod was obviously on the ship, and the aliens didn't seem any less less.
Ezekiel and Arthur were also fending off a ton of aliens, Arthur enjoying every minute of it. Whenever he asked Ezekiel if he was, the prairie boy would only express his concern for someone who wasn't with them. He had mentioned his girlfriend, Rodney, Bridgette, and Harold. When he wondered aloud if Izzy was alright, Arthur was starting to wonder if he was alright.
"You do know it's all fake, right?" he asked, quirking one of his sharp eyebrows at the prairie boy.
Belinda was alone, fighting off alien swarm after swarm. Scratches and bites covered her body, and she was glad she couldn't feel pain, but it was tiresome and slowing her down. When the third pod attached, she hurried into a nearby room and sealed the door.
The aliens that tore it down immediately wished they hadn't, as a laser whip lashed out and cut aliens into two pieces (or three, if they were struck again when they fell apart). Belinda stepped out, holding the handle of her weapon that acted like a lashing sword of laser.
"You know what I see in your future?" she asked them, grinning wickedly, her blue eyes flashing mischievously. "A whole lotta hurt."
Groucho's team was very quickly divided when the third pod attached. A huge swarm attacked them in an intersection of the hallways, and they accidentally all went different ways. Admiral Lindsay Herhotness ran down the left, Crystal the right, Courtney back the way they came, and Groucho hopped into the air duct.
"Aw damn, I forgot they weren't ducks," the leader cursed. He hurried through the ducts to try and find his teammates, and heard Courtney's death scream. The horrible echo rang in the duck's ears (yes, they have them), and he quietly mourned the loss of a soldier.
"I'm quickly failing as a leader," he said to himself as he opened a panel in the air duct and dropped a grenade in the swarm of aliens that took Courtney's life. "I am sure Chef is doing better, he is more experienced than I." He hurried off to find someone still alive as the aliens were obliterated into alien dust by the grenade.
(Janitor's Closet - Less Than 12 To The Moon.)
Heather - "The more I fought in that alien VR, the more I became repulsed. I mean, that spaceship was poorly placed, it's like feather heads designed it!"
Ezekiel - "I knoo' no one can get hurt in the VR, but I doo'nt knoo'... so many bad things happen on this shoo', it's almost like it's planned."
*He shifts his feet, and crunches a shard of glass. He looks down, sees the shattered mirror, and gasps.* "Oh God, that explains it!"
Alfred - *He lifts his foot to see the glass shards himself.* "Oh, are we supposed to break stuff in here? I thought Canadian closets were strange before, but here goes!"
Crystal - *She enters, and sees a rather horrendous sight: smashed plates, broken ugly vase, a crushed coffee machine, and a baseball bat leaning against the side of the wall.* "Oh bloody hell! What are they doing to this poor closet? How can one confess in such a dog's dinner? What shambles, it's all sixes and sevens! Oh, messes really drive me bonkers."
Groucho the Duck - "When that third pod attached itself to the ship, I really thought I lost the game. I wonder how Chef was doing, he can be such a fine commander. Really crappy cook, though."
(The Troopers. Team 2 - Beth, Carol, Chef Hatchet, Sadie.)
"You scum! You foolish fool! You lout, you imbecile!"
Beth was on the ground, crying helplessly as Chef Hatchet continued to berate her. Carol and Sadie were both standing, watching, absolutely horrified.
"What exactly did she do?" Sadie asked Carol.
"Um, I dunno," the enthusiast replied. She drummed her fingers against the handle of her gun, looking nervously down the corridor. "I don't think she's actually said anything."
"Maybe he'll throw her at the aliens?"
"What aliens?" Carol grumbled. "We haven't seen any aliens for a while now. How many aliens could there be if we see more panicking extras than aliens?"
Chef Hatchet just continued to shout and spew insults at poor Beth. Carol sighed and tapped her foot against the side of the wall. "Is something actually going to happen?"
The ship lurched horribly, and Carol gripped the side of the wall. "Oh dear," she muttered, "I jinxed it, didn't I?"
"Idiot shortie," Chef exclaimed. "No wonder Billy didn't want you."
Carol fell down to her knees like Beth, sobbing miserably. "Billy," she wailed, punching the floor. "Why? Why why why?"
Sadie winced as the ship shook one more time, and she held her breath. "Aliens are gonna be all over this place soon," she whimpered. "Now that the third pod has attached, and we have no way of winning this, we have to abandon ship."
Chef stomped up to Sadie, and shouted a stream of rather unnecessary insults right in her face. She almost fell down crying, but resisted. Chef completed his tirade by saying, "A Hatchet never abandons his ship! We win this ship back, or we go down fighting!"
Sadie had always been the BFFFF to think with her head, and right now, her head was telling her that Chef was nuts, looney, an overly aggressive cross dresser who had some serious issues. "There's gonna be an unbelievable amount of aliens swarming us!"
"Then we'll kill them!"
"Oh, how? You going to throw us one by one at them and hope they retreat at your human sling attack?"
As the two argued, the third pod started to spew aliens out, finding many of the extras and tearing them apart. The survivors had two pods still spewing aliens, while Izzy was still trying to finish off the first one.
"This is starting to get boring," Izzy complained, as she sat cross-legged in the doorway, her trigger finger cramped on the plasma gatling gun. "Is this thing supposed to be indestructible?"
She yawned, and looked in the pod. Sure enough, aliens were still trying to come out, still getting chopped up by her endless assault. The redhead grumbled more to herself, and said, "You know, I never knew endless slaughter of gooey aliens could get boring. Maybe that's how the viewers are feeling too?"
Izzy looked around for cameras, even though she had never seen one in a VR challenge yet. Then she saw something coming along the corridor: a huge swarm of fresh aliens.
"So that explains the distress call from the first pod," the alien in front said as it looked at Izzy. "Well, time to die, human, you and all your little friends."
The redhead groaned, and pointed the gatling gun at the new swarm, muttering, "Yeah yeah, say hello to my little friend too, whatever and what not."
More aliens were obliterated, and none were getting closer to her. Then the aliens coming from the pod came swarming at her, and she had to point her very big gun at them. Realizing one really big gun wasn't going to be enough now, she started to back up, and forced the ones coming from the pod to come out and get turned to alien goo with the new ones coming down the corridor.
Izzy rolled her eyes, and said, "This is starting to get rather tedious. Can't you get in your pods and leave?"
No answer except angry cries came, and then she heard them from behind her. The three hives were now approaching here, two from the front and one from behind. She grinned and said, "Aha! Now this'll get interesting! I'll just fend off from the front with this plasma gatling gun, and from behind, I'll defend with..."
She reached into her pocket and pulled out her other deadly weapon. "... This spoon!"
The aliens attacking from behind didn't stop, except for one who screamed, "Look out, guys, she's got a spoon!"
"And I know how to use it too!"
Eventually, the aliens managed to scramble towards her, but not without sustaining heavy losses from the plasma gatling gun and the spoon. Izzy went down cackling.
(The Troopers, all over.)
Now that the third pod was on the ship, the contestants of the Troopers were scrambling to find out two things: where the bridge was so they could announce they had to abandon ship, and where the escape pods were. Unfortunately, Chef Hatchet was not for either, and the aliens finally descended upon his team.
Seeing the unbelievably large amount of aliens coming at them, Sadie decided retreat was the best tactic, but she couldn't go alone. Dropping her gun, she hoisted Carol over her shoulder and ran out of there, leaving a roaring, shooting Chef and a sobbing, broken down Beth. Eventually, after killing many aliens single-handedly, Chef retreated to find a better fighting point, ditching Beth. She was decimated by the approaching swarm.
Mandy had found herself a laser dagger, and was now dual-wielding it with her laser sword, making an awful mess. Noah and DJ had to keep a good distance to avoid being slashed themselves. While the bookworm tried to lead them to the bridge to announce the escape plan, DJ was attacked by an ambush squad of aliens, and did not survive the encounter. This unnerved Noah, mostly because it was just him alone with the cultist girl now.
Gwen, Colin, and Joel were actually having an easier time, as Joel knew the layout of the ships. Though the design was always random by a great many factors, the escape pod hanger had to be on the edge of the ship somewhere. Colin was hesitant to run away, but Gwen motivated him in the way you motivate the cranky guy on the lifeboat to shut up ("Shut up, and we won't kick you off.")
Yoshi had his hands full with aliens swarming all over, especially since Eva wasn't doing much. Oh sure, she was killing any that dared got close to her and Cody, but that was it; she seemed far too interested in improving her relationship with the techgeek than defending the ship.
Luckily, Clive had developed a kind of passion for this thing.
"Outta my way, alien dirt bags," Clive shouted, shooting at the approaching dirt bags with pinpoint accuracy. "I'm getting off this lousy ship, and I'm not letting a bunch of drooling, Zerg-wannabes stop me!"
Yoshi raised an eyebrow at this. "Never expected to see you so riled."
"I'm sick of zombies, vampires, and aliens trying to bite my head off," he replied, glancing at the warrior. "I can take humans because it's normal for them, but I've had it with fantasy monsters chewing me out! Life is hard enough without everything fictional trying to eat me!"
Yoshi grinned. "Alright then, Clive. Shall we?"
"We shall."
Both let out furious roars and charged at the alien swarm, shooting and slicing and kicking. The aliens, who were normally collected and fervent in their bloodlust, lost it at this point.
"Run," some of them were shouting. "We pissed off the emo, and he's got a samurai!"
(Janitor's Closet - Teenagers in Outer Space.)
Yoshi - "I have to hand it to Clive..." *He pauses, then looks down at the floor and groans in disgust at the mess.* "Anyway, about Clive, there's a lot of fury pent up in that guy, I guess that's what happens when you feel the world is against you for a while."
Carol - "I took it hard when Chef made fun of me, but not as hard as Beth. She really need some comfort, so I arranged her some."
Beth and Justin - *She is clinging to him sniffing, and he's rubbing her back.*
Justin - "There, there. That cook is just full of spite."
Beth - *sniffs, nodding* "At least he doesn't cook anymore. Maybe that's why he's so mad."
Izzy - *She surveys the incredible mess that the closet is in, and then grins.* "Unexpected organization!"
Chef Hatchet - *He looks around to see the ping-pong balls, the broken mirror, and all the smashed items placed on the shelves.* "A mess is still a mess, even if it's put up."
Izzy - *She springs up from Noah's old coat, brandishing the baseball bat kept in the closet.* "Don't ruin it, or you'll be Chef 'Regret'! I put feng shui into it!"
Chef Hatchet - "ACK! Crazy girl's got a baseball bat!"
...
...
...
So now who will win: the previous handicapped Troopers, or the all-but-scattered Predators?
Who can escape the doomed spaceships? Will any of the extras made it?
As we are asking these questions, five more extras bit it. Is that just cruel? Shouldn't all life be sacred, even nameless extras in a virtual reality world? Wait, never mind, that's silly, that's not life, just ignore us, we're having a hard day.
The Troopers (Led by Chef):
Team 1 - Mandy and Noah.
Team 2 - Sadie and Carol.
Team 3 - Clive, Cody, Yoshi, and Eva.
Team 4 - Gwen, Colin, and Joel.
Alone - Chef Hatchet.
Dead - Katie, Anita, Geoff, Tyler, Izzy, Beth, DJ.
...
The Predators (Led by Groucho):
Team 1 - Ezekiel and Arthur.
Team 2 - Heather, Alfred, and Rodney.
Alone - Harold, Belinda, Leshawna, Lindsay, Crystal, and Groucho T. Duck.
Dead - Xander, Sakaki, Bridgette, Valerie, Sebastian, Justin, Zachary, Courtney.
...
Janitor Closet's Decorations to Date - Mystery Science Theater 3000 Poster on the wall, Noah's Old Cot with baseball bat next to it, Throw Pillows tossed about, crowbar imbedded in the left wall, elbow-shaped dent in right wall. On the shelves are ping-pong balls, a broken mirror, smashed plates, a broken ugly vase, a crushed coffee machine.
...
Next Up - Escaping the spaceship, and a complex trophy ceremony!