13

I opened my eyes and stood before my guardian. "What happened?" I asked.

"You nearly got yourself killed. Thankfully, Lucifer has always had a soft spot for you, my dear. You are very weak though, and injured."

"Why didn't he kill me?"

"Maybe because Lucifer believes that if you were to choose him, he would gain unbelievable powers. He doesn't realize that this isn't really a choice for you. It is your fate."

"But Sam's his vessel." I added.

She eyed me, "Well, then that does play an interesting part." Her eyes narrowed at me, "You cannot let that happen."

"I won't."

"Good. Now, you need to return to the living. You must heal and rest. I would suggest you begin to find acceptance. There will come a time when your life… and theirs hang on your decision and acceptance."

"Yeah, I get that. Thanks. You wanna get me back now."

"It will hurt when you wake up. The darkness as seeped into you, you must rid it. And I'm sure you know how. Good luck."

Everything faded.

I woke up gasping, pain flaring making me gasp harder. Dean had his arms around me. "Thank God! Dee, we thought we lost you."

I screamed in pain as he held me tighter.

He pulled away, "Sorry, love. What hurts?"

"Everything!" I said, finally seeing that we were in the impala and on the road. Sam was driving. I was in the middle.

I couldn't move my right arm, it was dislocated and on fire. I turned to Dean, "My shoulder, it's…"

Dean nodded, "Are you sure?"

I put his hand on my shoulder, knowing that he knew how to relocate it. I nodded.

"This is gonna hurt." Dean said.

I eyed him, "Can't hurt worse than I already do."

He took a deep breath and adjusted my arm and his hands to do it properly. "One, two…"

A pop sounded and a flare of pain blinded my vision and threatened to make me pass out. I gasped for breath as I leaned back and the pain in my shoulder eased slightly.

Dean took my other arm in his hand. the bandage was oozing with blood. "We need to tend to this now. Sam pull over."

Sam nodded and pulled off the road.

"How long have I been out?" I asked.

"A few hours." Dean replied. "We got out outta there as quick as we could. you weren't breathing, but… I hoped that it was like before." his eyes softened and gave me a hint of the pain he had felt when I worried I wouldn't wake up.

"I'm fine, mostly." I said with a smile.

He cupped my cheek and brought his lips to mine gently.

"I'm sorry." I said softly afterward.

"For what?" Sam asked. "The Colt wouldn't have killed him. He knew that. I don't know why we didn't."

"I know something that will, but I don't know how to find it." I said as Dean opened the door and paused to look at me.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

I held my bleeding arm up, "Can we tend to this while I talk?"

They nodded and we all got out. Dean grabbed the first aid kit I carried that was well stocked from the trunk. I sat down on a boulder a few feet away from the car. Dean opened the first aid kit and laid it on the ground as he went to unwrap my arm.

"Lucifer said something about me facing him without my dagger and how I shouldn't have done that. I think he knows that my dagger can, at the very least, harm him." I said, wincing as Dean tried to carefully remove the bandages.

"What dagger?" Dean asked softly.

"The vision that Castiel showed me about my past. I had a dagger. He also said that it had always been my weapon of choice. I think that dagger is mine, an extension of me."

"Like the revolver working against the hellhounds?" Sam asked.

I nodded, "Yeah." I screamed as Dean pulled the remaining bandage off.

Sam kneeled down and looked at my arm, "That doesn't look good, Dee. We should get you to the hospital."

I shook my head, "No, I'll be fine until we get to Bobby's, I know what I have to do. But I don't know where to begin looking for the dagger."

Dean held a bottle of peroxide over the gaping wounds. "This is gonna hurt like hell, babe."

Sam offered me his hand to hold in my other hand and I took it. I braced for the pain, but I wasn't ready. I leaned into Sam as he wrapped his other arm around my shoulders and kept me from ripping my arm from Dean's grasp as he cleaned the wound.

I clenched my teeth and tried to stifle my screams from the intense pain that made my arm feel like I was holding it over flames.

I was shaking from the pain when Dean was done with the peroxide. "Alright, worst part's over. Let's get this wrapped up and get back to Bobby's." Dean said softly as he kissed the tips of my fingers lightly.

"So, if we find the dagger we have a weapon."

"Yeah, but I don't think that the dagger will work until I've accepted my powers fully." my voice was shaky and quiet.

"Then we need to figure out how to get your powers unlocked and find the dagger." Dean said finishing up wrapping the wound tightly.

Dean gathered the first aid supplies and put them back in the trunk. Sam helped me to my feet, but the ground around me felt like it shifted and my vision spun. I fell against Sam and he lifted me up in his arms.

Dean came around and opened the door and motioned for Sam to get me into the back seat. I managed to climb into the seat and Dean sat beside me as Sam drove.

I leaned against Dean, feeling a semblance of the energy flowing faintly through me with his closeness. I fell asleep against as we were all silent.

I woke up as we pulled into Bobby's yard, sitting in the backseat by myself. We all got out and headed inside.

The mood was solemn as we sat in the kitchen and downed shots of whiskey in silence. We hadn't won, but we hadn't lost our lives. Yet we had lost two lives in the process.

I downed another shot, my fourth, and looked at my bandage, already bloody.

"Let's go change your bandage, Dee." Dean finally said, standing up and taking my hand in his.

We went upstairs to the bedroom and he laid the first aid kit on the bed. He re-wrapped my wound and put the supplies away and threw away the bloody bandages. "Dee, you're losing a lot of blood from that wound. We should take you to the hospital."

"Dean, I don't need a hospital." I said softly as he sat back down beside me on the bed.

"Then what do you need, Dee?"

I moved closer to him and wrapped an arm around his neck, "I need you. That's all I need." I replied softly.

He searched my eyes for a moment, his fingers trailing down my cheek, leaving a trail of sensations. His lips met mine softly and then intensified into a hunger.

Our clothes were quickly removed. Every touch, every kiss, sent a surge of energy through me, chasing the darkness away and filling me with a renewed energy. I let the energy well inside me, flowing through my veins freely. I let them pulse through me and through Dean.

His hands trailed over every curve of my body, making sure I was whole. His hips moved against me igniting me from within.

I quivered against him as he rolled off and held me against him. I got up and decided to take a shower. I was in the bathroom, wearing one of Dean's flannel shirts over my bare body, unbuttoned, only underwear underneath.

Something told me to remove the bandage and I did. There was no more blood, no more seeping wound. The wound was closed and healing.

"Dean!" I yelled.

I heard the footsteps up the stairs as he had been downstairs. He flew the door open, "Dee? What's wrong?"

I held my arm out to him. He took my arm and turned it gently, his eyes wide in awe. Sam was behind him.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked softly.

Dean moved aside so that Sam could see my now almost fully healed arm. they both stared at it intently.

"How's that possible?" Sam asked softly.

Dean looked at me, "I think I'm beginning to learn not to ask that question."

"I told you I didn't need a hospital." I said softly. Remember that my guardian had told me I could heal myself with the energy flow. I might not have my full use of whatever powers I had in me, but I could still use the energy flow that I needed to at least heal.

"You knew that you would just magically heal like that?" Sam asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Wait, are you saying that what we… it… heals you?" Dean asked with a cocky smirk.

I nodded and blushed slightly. Then they both realized what I was wearing and Sam quickly excused himself back down stairs.

Dean closed the door and stayed in the bathroom with me, "You know, I always knew I was good in bed."

I rolled my eyes, "Like it's just all you."

His arms wrapped around me and pulled me toward him. "No, it's all you, babe. Always has been." He kissed my temple and held me for a few moments. "Alright, shower. Meet us downstairs."

I nodded. I showered quickly and changed into a clean pair of jeans and a tank top with a black blouse that I put on and tied around the ends at my waist.

Downstairs in the livingroom Bobby motioned me toward him.

"Let me see that arm." I held my arm out to him. "This was bleeding just an hour ago. How's it healed?"

"That's what we're trying to tell you Bobby." Sam said. "Dee's… she's special. Has abilities and is a warrior. That's what Castiel said about her."

"What are you, girl?" Bobby asked eyeing me.

I shrugged, "I haven't figured that out yet."

Bobby let my arm go. "And what's this about a dagger that could possibly kill Lucifer? Don't you think we could've used that information before you all went running to your deaths!" he hollered.

"I didn't know! And it's not like I know where to find the dagger! Or even have all my abilities to even get the dagger to work for me!"

Bobby glared, "Well, you better get to work on yourself, girl! This isn't a game!"

I furrowed my brows, "Don't you think I know that?! If you think I'm some stupid girl who only thinks of this as a game, then you don't know me at all."

"I really don't, girl. That's what I'm tryin' to get at here! None of us do! You prance around in this pretty little body, yet you don't even know who you are yourself. Because let me tell you something, I've never seen someone heal that fast with either dark powers or angelic powers. You tell me, which one are you?"

I met his eyes, "Neither." I said and walked outside.

"Dammit, Bobby!" I heard Dean behind me as he talked to Bobby.

I went around back and found my practice daggers in their box on the makeshift table. I took them out and started throwing them. Eventually, my vision blurred as tears fell over my cheeks. I let the daggers fall from my hands as my shoulders shook.

I felt arms around me, but they weren't Dean's. It was Sam. I turned into him and cried. He just held me, didn't say anything, was just there.

I wrapped my arms around his torso and rested my head on his chest. He had one arm around my back and his other hand was tangled in my hair.

I sighed into him as the tears stopped. I could feel the flow of his energy into me and it was strangely comforting. And more than that it was building into a desire I hadn't felt toward Sam… ever before.

I found myself longing to kiss him and that terrified me more than anything else.

"You told me that if we survived you would tell me." He finally said softly.

I pulled away slightly and looked at him, he brushed the tears from my cheeks tenderly, then his hands slipped back into his pockets as he looked at me waiting.

"Sam…" I looked down.

"Dee, you said yourself, even if we find the dagger, it's useless without you embracing these abilities. What is it that you have to accept that you aren't willing to?"

I couldn't find my voice. I reached into his front inside pocket knowing he usually kept a little notebook and pen in there. I pulled them out, he eyed me curiously.

I drew the broken heart in three pieces that I had been shown. Labeling the middle as me and one on each side Sam and Dean. I pressed the notebook and pen to his chest. He covered them with his hand.

"That's what we all have to accept." I said softly and walked away.

I headed around front, Sam on my heels. "Dee, what does this mean? I don't…"

I turned and faced him, "Look at it, Sam. That's how my power works. That's the only way I gain whatever abilities I have."

"But you're with Dean…"

I scoffed, "Yeah, now you see the problem. It takes both of you. You each have something unique that I need to be whole. Like you each bring something different to the table."

"But that's…"

"Crazy? Yeah I know." I turned to walk away, but he took my hand and pulled me back toward him.

My other hand landed on his chest and he looked at me with true longing burning in his gaze. My breath caught in my throat as I found myself eyeing his lips. My heart pounded in my chest as he pulled me closer. His other hand brushed my cheek, sending overwhelming sensations through me.

I closed my eyes as he brought his lips to mine. So softly and filled with such yearning that it stole my very breath. My body responded naturally to him, my lips parting slightly as he deepened the kiss.

I gathered my senses and pulled away. I ran in through the back door grabbed Aphrodite's keys where I knew Bobby kept them and ran out the front door.

"Dee?" Dean hollered after me.

I didn't stop. I got in my car and felt the rush of adrenaline at the roar of her engine. I reversed then shifted into drive and left for some air. I parked where Dean and I had the night he came back for me at Bobby's.

I looked out over the cliff's edge as I cut the engine. I got out and sat on the hood of the car, warmed from the engine, but not too hot.

I crossed my legs and sat there. How could I just kiss Sam? I was with Dean. I couldn't be the one between two brothers. I was destroying everything I had and yet… when I had kissed Sam, I had felt a small sense of being whole… for the first time ever.

I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them as I laid my head down and cried in utter confusion.

It wasn't long before I heard the familiar sound of the impala's engine as it pulled along side my car. the engine turned off, but I didn't look up.

I heard footsteps around the gravel and then felt Dean's hand on my head as he brushed through my hair. His other hand rubbed along my shin. "You can't run from this, love." He said softly.

I didn't respond. I just turned my head to look at him and he brushed the hair from my face gently and caressed my cheek.

"I- I just need some time." I finally said.

"You want me to stay with you?" he smiled softly

I shook my head, "Not this time. I just need to be alone."

He looked slightly pained, but smiled and kissed my cheek. "I'll be at Bobby's."

I nodded and he walked away. I watched as he drove the impala away. I wiped the stray tears from my cheeks and noticed out of the corner of my eye that the wound was gone, completely. Not even a scar left behind.

I ran my hands through my hair in frustration as tears poured down my cheeks. Emotions battling inside me in an intense war that threatened to crush me from the inside out. My heart felt like it was almost breaking from the flow of sensations.

I gasped for air as I slid from the hood and to the gravel. I picked up a rock and threw it over the cliff as hard as I could and screamed at the top of my lungs.

The tears came faster and I fell to my knees and cried until my body was left shivering in the chilling night air. That's how long I sat there and cried. The sun had set and the stars filled the sky all while I stayed kneeling in the gravel and cried.

The tears stopped and I wiped my cheeks. I had to make a decision. I would either refuse to accept what was so blatantly in my fate and risk my life and those of Sam and Dean, or I would accept it… and hope we didn't all destroy each other in the process.

Seemed like either way, we either destroyed each other or we would all accept it. Could I really ask them to accept this? Would they accept this? Could I fully accept it myself?

Castiel had said that I had to save myself from myself. Or was I willing to sacrifice myself to keep Sam and Dean from having to accept any of it?

I got to my feet, a bit shaky. I managed to get behind the wheel and waited for my nerves to calm down.

Once I stopped shaking I started the engine and headed back to Bobby's. I pulled in along the impala. When I got out, Sam was standing on the front porch, hands in pockets.

"Bobby sent Dean to bed, he was falling asleep in the living room waiting for you to return." He said softly as he walked toward me.

I took a deep breath, feeling the absolution of a decision made, without me fully aware of making it.

"Look." I said holding my arm out to him.

He looked down and then quickly back up to my eyes. He trailed his fingers over where there should, at least, be scars. I closed my eyes and bit my lower lip as his fingers ignited the desire inside. This time, I embraced it, nervously.

"How?" He asked in awe.

"You." I said barely audible. Knowing that his energy had finished the healing process.

I saw him swallow hard as he looked at me. I brought my hand to his cheek, letting the stream of energy flow between us. He closed his eyes and covered my hand with his.

"Do you feel it?" I asked softly after a few moments.

He opened his eyes and looked at me, "Kinda hard miss." he said almost breathlessly.

"I need to figure this out. This is what we have to accept. I don't know if we all can."

I slid my hand from his cheek to his chest, over his heart, feeling his heart pound just as erratically as my own.

"What happens if we don't all accept it?" Sam asked with concern.

"Then I destroy myself."

Sam's brows furrowed, "What do you mean?"

"I'll die. I can't… survive without both of you."

"And us?" He meant him and Dean, and I knew that.

"I don't know."

"Dee?" Dean came out of the house and I walked past Sam toward him. He wrapped me in his arms and held me.

Sam walked past us and into the house. Dean held me for a while longer and then pulled away.

"How long do we have for us to accept… whatever it is?" He asked.

"Not long." I said without thinking. It was something I felt inside me, like a clock counting down my time.

"Then you need to tell me what this is that we need to accept." He said sternly.

"Dean, it's not that easy…"

"Bullshit!" He walked away a couple of steps and then turned to face me. "You can't tell me that you haven't figured out what it is! I can see it in your eyes! You know, but you're not willing to tell me. Why?"

Tears welled in my eyes, "Dean…"

His hands grabbed my arms, not too roughly. "Dee, you have to tell me!"

I heard the door open. "Dean, let her go." Sam said and stepped forward, handing him the notebook I had drawn the heart in.

Dean let me go and took the book and looked at it, "What the hell does this mean?"

Sam stuck his hands in his pockets.

Dean turned to me, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wasn't strong enough for this. I felt a strange siphon of my energy, like it was literally being pulled from me.

Dean eyed me, then Sam. "Have you two…?"

I shook my head.

"No, Dean. Nothing like that. She told me this earlier. It's why she left." Sam added softly.

"This? This is what we all have to accept?" Dean asked us angrily.

"It's not like it's a choice for her Dean." Sam added.

I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling strangely weakened. And weakening by the minute.

"Is this supposed to be a joke?" Dean yelled, "Because it's not funny!"

"Do you see us laughing?" Sam asked. "Do you love her, Dean?"

"Of course I do. It's why I'm not willing to accept this!" Dean yelled, tossing the book aside and storming off inside the house.

My vision blurred and I felt wossey.

Sam turned to look at me his face changing from sincerity to pure concern. "Dee?"

I felt a warm liquid over my lip and brought my hand up and wiped away blood. My knees buckled.

"Dee!" Sam hollered as he caught me before I fell back off the porch. He cradled me in his arms.

"I… told you I would destroy myself…" My eyes closed and felt my heart slow.

"Dee!" Sam cupped my cheek and tapped it lightly, "Dee, you're not dying on us. Not yet! Please, Dee. Stay with me…"

"Sam? Dee?" I heard Dean's voice.

I couldn't move, I could barely breath. And then… my heart stopped.