Yep ok so I am back! Honestly I didn't know if I'd even remember HOW to write! But I want to thank everyone on twitter for reminding me about this, I do promise that I had never forgotten about it, it was always there…just being ignored lol.

So I hope this makes sense, I am trying to move the story along and so there is some times jumps, all around Gabby and Matt. I'm also not 100% on how I've written Matt for this but it kinda felt right I guess, but anyway, please review and let me know what you think :D

Chapter 12 – Carry On

Gabby laughed as she reached out for Matt's hand; the air was cold around them as they left Molly's, a shiver running through her body. "Baby…you're freezing!" Matt laughed as he wrapped his jacket around Gabby's shoulders, watching her snuggle into the jacket. "I'm almost 100% sure this is why you never bring your own jacket when we go out."

The look she gave him back was enough to make his heart burst, it was a shy smile but her eyes shone with teasing. She had almost always forgotten to bring a jacket with her when they went out, mostly because she loved when he would wrap his jacket around her shoulders and pull her into his arms. "I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about Mr. Casey…" She smiled, bringing her body against his.

"Oh really now…" Matt pulled her closer, dropping his lips to hers; he rested against her for a moment, just breathing in her scent. "I can't wait to get you home baby…" he smiled against her lips, feeling her smile back.

"Me either…but I just realised that I left my bag inside…would you mind?" batting her eyelids at Matt, Gabby hoped that Matt would go back in for it, she really didn't want to go back into Molly's, she was enjoying the fresh air.

Rolling his eyes, Matt moved away from Gabby, laughing again at her antics.

Gabby watched him go as she hailed for a cab, neither having driven that night, she knew that it would be the best for both of them. Stuffing her hands into the pocket of his jacket, Gabby tried to warm up, her fingers curling around something that crunched under the movement, drawing her attention, she pulled her hand back from the pocket, straightening whatever it was that had made that sound.

As the item came into focus, it was clear that it was a picture, a picture that caused Gabby's world to stand still, her stomach dropped and it felt like her heart had been ripped in two.

It was a photo of her.

And Matt.

It was a photo of her and Matt in front of their window, Gabby in his arms, while they made out, the dark of their bedroom around them.

She recognised that still shot, it was when he had woken up and found her staring out into the darkness, when he had come to her and held her tightly. Where she had wrapped her legs around his waist as they made out, before moving to the bed, making love for the rest of the night.

Someone taken that photo.

Someone had been watching them.

Someone had put that photo in Matt's pocket, hoping that he would find it.

Gabby's hands shook as she looked down at the picture, a sickness coming over her as she tired to steady herself. She knew who had taken this photo but how was she going to explain this to Matt. She was trying to move on with her life, with Matt but she couldn't do that if he kept coming back.

"Hey sorry, Herman couldn't find it-"

Matt's voice caught her attention, quickly stuffing the picture back into the pocket before Matt could see it. He came to stand behind her, "But we found it in the end." He had noticed her change in demeanour, it was obvious that something had changed over the past 3 minutes but he just wasn't sure what it was.

Placing his hands on her shoulders, "You ok?" Gabby jumped, pulling away from him before pulling the jacket tighter around her body, almost as though she would be protecting herself.

"Oh yeah…just in my own world, Sorry…lets go home. I'm pretty tired to be honest with you." Turning away from him, Matt watched as she reached out her hand to hail for a cab, one stopping almost instantly. He wasn't going to question her now about it, it was late and they were both tired but it was something that he wasn't going to let up.

Once they arrived home, Matt could tell something was different, obviously something was different but he watched Gabby as she moved around the house, closing all the blinds harshly, making sure the windows were locked – and considering they were coming into winter, the windows were always locked.

He watched her move, the one-track mind of her movements, the concentration as she made her way through each room and then straight passed him towards the bedroom. She had barely said a word to him on the way home and hadn't said one since stepping inside. Matt knew that she would tell him when she was ready, that he couldn't force it out of her but the sudden change in her demeanour concerned him.

There as nothing but silence as he followed her towards the bed, watching as she undressed slowly, careful to hide her body from him but then she just slipped under the covers, pulling them up around her neck, she turned away from him, putting as much distance between them as possible.

Matt sighed before he slipped into bed behind her, knowing that she wanted space but also wanting for her to know that he was there for her no matter what, he pulled her into his arms, breathing in her as he held her close.

Matt watched as Gabby sat by the table, her head in her computer as she typed away. She had been quiet, that was for sure but it had been almost two weeks since he had noticed the change in her demeanour, she had tried to stay away from him, she had flinched one or twice when he had tried to touch her, needless to say - sex was not on the table either. But he wouldn't push her, wouldn't get upset with her, he men her note term than that and it was obvious that something was going on.

He had tried to ask her about it, once during the week, he had wrapped his arms around her waist, pulled her into him. She had resisted for a moment but eventually had relaxing into his touch.

"Hey baby, what's going on? You seem very far away...what's going on in that kind of yours?" He had waited for a moment, a moment with no reply before he had turned her in his arms, making her face him. "Gabby I'm worried, what is going on with you? I am really worried..."

But her reaction wasn't what he had expected. "I'm fine Matt really. Jesus you get grumpy with no sex. Fuck..." She pushed him away, mumbling to herself. It shocked Matt, he had never pressured her into sex and he hadn't even brought the fact that she hadn't been interested over the last week.

"Gabby...I never said anything about sex. I just wanted you to know that I'm worry about you...you haven't been yourself lately, that's all." But all he got in return was another mumble about being busy before she left him standing in their kitchen- confused and even more worried than before.

Deciding that he had enough of being in the dark, matt made his way over to gabby, thinking very carefully over what he was going got say to her. He didn't want to upset her and make her push him away even more but he needed to find out what is going on.

Slowly, he sat by her side at the round table, his hand reaching out even more slowly to close her laptop, giving her time to question his actions and grieving him time to judge her reactions. It was almost as though she knew he was going to do this, she didn't fight him or yell, she didn't tell him to stop or even look surprised.

Once the laptops as closed, Matt reached out for her hand, holding it tightly. "Gabby…please baby. I am worried about you. I know something has changed, something is different and you know that I would never fore you into telling me or push up but I know you can't sleep and I know you're jumpy..."

Matt felt like he was begging her, maybe in part he was begging her but he didn't know what else to do, he didn't know how else to get through to her.

Gabby watched him for a few seconds, she was reading his face, reading his eyes, the pain, the worry, the understanding...she didn't know how long she could keep hiding all of this from him. Nodding a couple of times, Gabby turned her hand in his, gripping his fingers tightly before standing. Confusing him a little, she just gave him a slight smile, one that told him that she would be back.

And after a few minutes Gabby did make her way back to him, her hand grasping something very tightly, whatever it was, she didn't want to give it up just yet. Siting she took her seat again, the same place she had been before matt had sat down.

It took her a few moments before she spoke, swallowing a couple of times before she found her voice. Well not so much her voice her courage. Slowly, she raised her hand and placed what she was holding tightly onto the table, never once looking at Matt, too scared and ashamed of what she was giving him.

"This was left in your jacket pocket the other night at Molly's, I found it when I asked you to go back and get my bag for me…" She couldn't look at him, to afraid of his reaction to what he was looking at.

Silence engulfed them both as Matt took in what was in his hands, the photo of them both, as intimate as they could have gotten and here was a photo of it, from outside the apartment.

Many emotions ran through Matt as he sat there, anger, disgust, fear but none of them would show, he was too shocked. Slowly he looked up at Gabby, taking in her downcast demeanour. But nothing was said between them as he reached out for her hand, taking it gently in his before he gave it a squeeze.

"We will get through this…" the only words coming from his mouth.

And that was the last they had spoken about it. He had tried to get more from her as the days went on, not wanting to push too much too soon but she was stonewalling him. Either ignoring the questions or brushing him off, but he would always watch out for her.

Especially when she started the inevitable downward spiral.

"3, 2, 1!" Gabby laughed loudly as she downed another shot, Molly's had been busy, not busy enough that it required her to behind the bar and so she had taken up refuge on the other side, same as she had done many nights beforehand. Matt just watching on as she flung her head back, drinking down another shot, her 4th – no 5th shot of the night.

Was he concerned?

Absolutely.

Would he say something?

Not just yet.

He knew she had things going on, that she was trying to cope with whatever it was that she had going on but he also knew that there was a time when he was in her position, drinking to get drunk, not caring about the world around as long as there was alcohol.

He had been the one to push everyone away when he was at his lowest point, not wanting help from anyone, even telling Kelly that he didn't need him. And at the time, he wanted to believe it. After everything that Hallie had done and everything he went through, Matt felt like he deserved to give up a little, that he didn't owe the world anything when the world didn't help him out.

He remembered the days that he would wake up so hung over that he honestly couldn't move. The days that he would be sick from drinking so much and then he remembered the day that Gabby had found him, passed out on his couch.

Gabby had been there for him when he had needed it the most, she had tried to help him out, tried to be by his side when he didn't want her there but in the end she was always there. And he had pushed her away with such force that he still, to this day, wondered how and why she had stayed around.

And right now, the roles were reversed, Gabby had told him that she didn't need any help; that she was fine and that she was coping on her own. Of course he knew differently but he would always be there, just at the side, watching her to make sure she wasn't hurting herself or doing anything she would really regret. He was in her shadow, letting her deal as best she knew how for as long as she needed before reaching out to him. He knew that if he pushed her, she would shut down forever.

"Hey man…you gonna let her keep doing this to herself? It's been what…2 weeks where she has come in drinking like this?" Kelly and Herman had taken up residence by his side, both just as much concerned about Gabby as Matt was. Kelly knowing that there was something more happening but Gabby had pushed him away as well. Telling him at one point in no uncertain terms that she was an adult and could take care of herself.

Matt sighed, he knew Kelly was right but the last time he had tried to get Gabby to slow down, she had laughed, pushed him away and gotten something else from behind the bar. And so he promised himself that he would always just be there to watch over her. "Yeah I know man, but you said it yourself…she tried to work through things herself because she reaches out. I'm not going to push her. I tired that – didn't work. So I'll just be here, waiting and making sure she doesn't do anything too stupid…And it's been three weeks…"

Kelly sighed but nodded, wanting to ask Matt more about it but he wouldn't say anything in front of Herman. Luckily Herman had been pulled away from them, customers needing a drink. "What's really going on? You seem too calm to be letting her go like this. What do you know?" He was testing Matt, wondering how much Gabby had told him.

Matt waited for a moment, not sure how Kelly would react to what he was going to say but he also knew that Kelly had known Gabby before she came to the fire house, he had helped her out in the past. Turning to his friend, Matt sighed, "Jason is back."

That was all he needed to say to get the reaction he was expecting from Kelly. Matt bringing his drink up to his lips, "It's ok, I know you knew. I figured you did. Gabby hasn't told me but she started acting really strange one week after we left Molly's and then she gave me this that same week…" Matt pulled out the photo that Jason had stuffed in his pocket that night, the one that Gabby had found. Under the bar he showed Kelly, not wanting to bring to much attention to what was going on.

"What the hell?" Kelly was becoming furious, he had no idea that he was taking photos of her, of them. "Why the hell do you have that?" He was also confused as to why Matt was carrying it around with him.

Matt shrugged, "I guess its because I tried to bring it up a few weeks ago again and she almost tore me a new one. I carry it around to remind myself why I am watching out for her and making sure she does explode while giving her the belief that she can. You and I both know there would be no reason for me to force her into telling me, she would kick my ass and send me packing and then where would I be?"

Kelly knew he was right but that still didn't meant he liked how this was going. Jason was back and Matt had a photo of them together. They both knew that was not the end of it all but they also knew that they would both be watching over Gabby to make sure she was always safe. When the time was right, Matt would approach Gabby about what he had found.

Both of them turned towards Gabby, an inner anger still building in Matt. He wanted to yell and scream and break something at the thought that someone was following Gabby or at least taking her picture. He also wanted to yell and scream that she wouldn't do anything about it but he was glad she had told him about it, it meant that he was now able to keep her safe while letting her think she was losing it.

Coughing.

Coughing is what brought Matt back from his sleep, the harsh light from the bathroom blinding him as he tried to open his eyes. That's when he realised that Gabby was no in bed with him, that her side of the bed was cold which told him that she had been out for a while. Groaning, he rolled over and padded his way into the bathroom where he found Gabby, hunched over the toilet where she threw up again.

He could tell she had been there a while; she was cold from sitting against the tiles, her forehead covered in sweat as her body revolted against itself. Leaning over, Matt placed his hands against the side of her face, pulling back the hair that was there, feeling just how sweat drenched she was.

Sighing deeply, Matt could do nothing but rub her back and let her continue, whispering to her quietly as she cried in pain as her body hurt. "Oh Gabby…" He hated seeing her do this to herself, he hated that she was fighting back the pain from what had been happening around with alcohol. He knew she was stronger than that, he knew she was stronger but obviously she was cracking just a little bit.

Eventually they sat back, Gabby tired and feeling horrible from being sick and Matt just tired. Too many times had he woken up to this scene or to the sound of the shower running in the middle of the night. "Baby…I think we need to talk to Antonio or at least Ruzek…you can't keep doing this to yourself and I know that you won't feel better if we don't start being proactive about Jason. I know you want to move on from all of this…please let me help you do that…"

But all he received in return was the silent tears that fell down her cheeks and the heartbreaking sobs of a woman who was fighting a losing battle to keep her walls up.

Matt stepped out of the bedroom, he had woken up once again to an empty cold bed, something that had been happening more often than not over the last month. As he padded down the cold hallway he could hear a sound coming from the rest of house; it wasn't loud but he could hear it. And he knew exactly what that noise was...he'd heard it a few times before, once very recently when he had heard Gabby with Kelly.

And he hated that sound.

It was heartbreaking to hear Gabby crying, to hear the pain she was in but also see how hard she fought to push it aside and pretend like she was ok. She had been putting a brace face in front of the rest of the firehouse but she had let it down in front of Kelly and Antonio, they had both told him to be there for her but so far she hadn't cracked in front of him.

With the others, it was short freak out, a bit of hysterical crying, there was a bit of screaming and then she was ok. She would straighten her back, take a deep breath and move on. Antonio said it was her way of coping, that she had always been like that but to be sure to be around because usually those outbursts were the calm before the storm and he knew that the storm was coming.

And the storm was just about to touch down.

He had woken to the sound of silence and cries.

Moving quietly into the living room, he found Gabby sitting on the floor in front of the couch, her back resting against it, legs crossed. There was a bottle of wine lying empty on the coffee table on its side and the glass in her hands was well on it's way go being empty, her shaking hands holding it tightly. Matt knew that she hadn't opened that bottle earlier in the night – the last bottle they had opened had been a bottle of white – not red.

Her head was resting to the side against the seat of the couch, her long dark hair cascading over her face like curtains, her eyes closed and her cheeks tear stained; she looked like she was about to explode, he could see that her heart was going to explode like the Fourth of July.

"Gabs?" He tired softly not to startle her; she wasn't asleep, that he could tell, the rapid movement of her chest told him that she was still awake. He knew she had heard him; her hand had waved around her head as though it was an invitation into the room, into her room.

Moving close to her, he could smell the rich grape of the wine, it was clear that she had drunk the whole bottle and he knew what red wine did to her, he knew how drunk she got on red wine but he also knew that she didn't drink red unless something was going on, whether it was a bad day on shift or just having a bad day with the memories of what had happened in her past but it was never more than a glass and never not with Matt by her side, sharing a drink and a laugh.

Then she chuckled, a deep, dry chuckle, it was something Matt wasn't expecting, something that was completely out of place in the scene around him. Rolling her head to the middle of the couch Gabby opened her eyes, looking towards her boyfriend, her eyes narrowing as she took him in, almost as thought she didn't see him at all or as though she was looking right through him.

She swore under her breath, her eyes never leaving his before she stood suddenly, the glass tipping onto its side, the small contents of the wine dripping down the side, staining the cream carpet at her feet.

"Jesus fucking Christ Matt!" She exploded. Her hands at her side, fists clenching tightly. "Stop looking at me like this is a fucking shock! Don't look at me like you have never seen me drunk and don't look at me like I'm some sort of sinner for drinking! I'm not perfect or you're fucking shining star!"

Matt watched Gabby closely for a second, a look of confusion crossing his face, his brow furrowing in confusion. He was shocked, not so much at her outburst, considering he had expected it but at what she had said; why would she think he thought that of her. Raising his hands slowly, Matt all but backed up, showing that he was giving her space. His reply was soft, barely above a whisper, "Yes I know...I never said you were..."

They stared each other down for a moment, Gabby almost challenging him to come towards her, challenging him to say something more.

Suddenly Gabby made a rush towards the kitchen, Matt not sure what she was looking for – he hoped she wasn't going to find more alcohol. He was also just a quick as her, Matt followed her towards the kitchen, barely a step behind her he reached out for her arm, stopping her in her tracks.

Quickly he had her against the fridge, their bodies pressed against each other tightly, letting him look down at her. His hands were gripping her wrists, not letting her move, but holding her close as she tried to pull against him, her body rocking against his to try and push him off. "I know! I know! I never said you are...but I care about you and I'm really worried baby..." he let her wrists go a little, brushing one hand against her cheek.

She had stopped trying to fight against him but she wouldn't look at him, her head was down, anger and alcohol still coursing through her. "I've never been through hell like you have but I know you can't look back..."

But she scoffed, rolling her eyes, this time she pushed against his chest, trying to push him away. "If I shouldn't look back, why the fuck won't you touch me anymore? It's because of my past you won't touch me!" She pushed against his chest again, harder this time, as much force as she could mister, trying to push him away.

Matt held his spot, his hands against the fridge, locking her in place, he wasn't going to let her push him away that easily, "That has nothing to do with it Gabby and you know that. Gabby…hey Gabby!" Finally, she looked at him, her lips tight still, "I'm worried about you. Over the last month, you haven't been yourself. I know that you are not coping with Jason being back but you won't let me help you; I'm not stupid all right. And I've tried…I've tried to let you go and do your own thing, I've tried to be there for you if and when you need it but Jesus Gabby, stop pushing me away! I'm just trying to help you."

But there wasn't much more that he could say to her, the whole bottle of wine was really starting to get to her, she was starting to sway on feet. Matt lowered his voice, trying to gauge what her next reaction would be. But when nothing came, he tried another approach. Letting his mouth open once or twice, Matt spoke softly, "...I love you..."

Gabby's eyes widened, her breathing deep and chesty. I love you. What the hell was he thinking? That now was the right time to tell her that he loved her?

When she was drunk.

And angry.

Boy was he wrong.

There was silence, painful, echoing silence for what felt like forever. Matt could almost hear his heart beating in his chest as he waited for some sort of reply for Gabby. He wanted to believe that her reaction would be positive, that there would be some happiness from her but the blank stare that he was getting from her was painful to say the least.

Gabby looked as though she was seeing him for the first time – their first time, when there was no love between them. She looked shocked and angry and confused. He then saw the realisation in what he had said coming to her face. Her whole face softened for a moment as the words sunk in but then hardened once again.

"Love? You love me? Jesus Matt!"

Love? How the hell did he think that tell her that was a good idea? Why would he even think that that was something she wanted or needed to hear? She suddenly felt like a wave had come over her and in a quick movement, Gabby had pushed Matt away from her, her hands against his chest, the forcefulness of the pressure against his chest sent Matt back a few steps, enough room for Gabby to move out from under him.

What he was greeted with then was rage that he hadn't ever experienced from her, rage that echoed throughout the walls of their home. The next thing was the wine glass that came crashing by his head, glass shattering around him.

So what do you think? Please…don't yell at me lol Any love?