Hey all! So I've struggled with motivation of at kinda] recently so I hope this is worth the wait, I was going for a chapter that WASNT a filler and I do hope that this fits that.
Thank you too everyone who reviewed and continues to review, i promise that it really does help me write! And also to those lovely friends on Twitter (you know who you are lol) for annoying me about updating.
This is also the first time I'm writing completely on my new iPad apologies for mistakes, getting used to the keyboard!
Please review!
Chapter 13 - Seasons of Love
Kelly ducked his head as he moved towards his own office, it had been a big weekend for him, something that he didn't actually mind, he just didn't like having to come into work the next day feeling like crap. But it wasn't until he saw Matt coming his way did he finally realise what what crap looked like.
"What happened to you?" He laughed for a second, noticing that Matt looked like hell, looked like he hadn't slept at all. "Gabby keeping you up all night still huh?" He laughed again, until he saw the sadness in Matt's eyes, the darkness that had fallen over his face. Looking over his best friend, Kelly took in his appearance, the wrinkles on his shirt, his red cheeks, "Matt man, what's going on?"
But Matt didn't say anything, he just looked back at Kelly with a sadness that was interrupted by Boden's voice, "Get ready for role call?" Both the men nodded, following him towards the back room. They gathered as Boden started his address, "Good morning all. Now as each of you know we are coming up to our annual -" but he stopped suddenly realising that he was a paramedic short.
He glanced over at both of his lieutenants, Kelly shrugging and Matt just holding his gaze, telling Boden that he didn't know where she was. It was clear that the others had also noticed that she wasn't in the room either. "As I was saying, we are coming up to the annual charity run - you will all be expected to attend the gala dinner. Now for assignments, Kidd you will be joining ambo for the morning, Dawson has an appointment this morning. That's all, have a good shift."
One by one each left the room, leaving just Matt, Kelly, Boden and Shay. It wasn't until the door closed behind the last person leaving that Boden spoke, "I assume none of you know where Dawson is right now?" The grim look on their faces was enough to tell him all he needed to know. Boden had known something was going on with his paramedic, he had seen her at Molly's the few times he had gone there, he had seen how she was drinking more than it seemed usual but she had always turned up to shift the next day, bright eyed and smile on her face. And the fact that his lieutenant didn't even know where she was concerned him even more.
Looking over to Matt, he watched him for a moment, noticing the dark circles and the look of concern on his own face. "How about you take 81 to fill up on gas. Pretty sure that 1st watch has let it empty again." It was a short nod to Matt who knew exactly what he was asking, Boden was giving him a chance to find Gabby before he called someone else in.
With one last glance towards the others in the room, Matt ducked his head and headed straight for the common room, calling to his men that they were going for a drive.
The drive was silent, Cruz already knowing where he was going, Matt staring out the side window, as he drove. He had no idea what he was going into. He had not idea what he was even going to say to Gabby. All he did know was that he needed to know if she was ok and how he could make it better.
Matt stood silently out the front of their apartment door, he had left last night in a rush, the door closing silently behind him, it was an aggressive silent but silent nonetheless. He honestly didn't know what to expect when he walked in; would the apartment be trashed? Would there be more alcohol bottles around than before he left? Would Gabby be asleep or awake or would she even be there?
He honestly didn't know but at the same time there was a part of him that didn't want to know. Yesterday had been the breaking point for her, it was the time that she finally let herself feel everything that she had been bottling up for a long time. Gabby was strong, maybe the strongest person he had ever met and she was also the sort of person tried to do things on her her, tried to show a brave face because she wanted everyone to know she was able to handle it on her own. But last night had tipped the scales, even before Matt had uttered those three words that he shouldn't have. Gabby had never drank on her own- with him yes, and at Molly's yes. She had been getting drunk with people around her, but never on her own.
He had see the change in her each night, he had watched her fall further and further from herself, but he would always be there to help her back up, to hold her hair back when she was sick or to drive her home when she had had enough. It had worried but him he was always there, looking out for her.
But last night she had let herself drink alone, she had spent the night on the couch with a bottle (or two) of wine. She had let her emotions get take over her and she had finally let it all out. Last night was the dam breaking.
Last night when he had left, it wasn't because he was walking out on her, it wasn't because he wanted to leave, he left because he needed space and wanted to give Gabby space as well. It was the first time one of her outburst was directed at him, granted he had probably encouraged it by saying I love you, but he knew they would both need some space.
The minute he had closed the door behind him last night, he had realised just how far down the rabbit hole Gabby had gone, he could see glimpses of her trying to push herself back up but he knew that the constant reminder that he was out there and possible taking photos of just following her was pushing her back down that hole just a little further.
He had also meant it last night when he had said it and he knew that that was what scared her the most, that he had said it and meant it.
He loved her, he didn't want to hide it anymore, not from her or the world but it was new and different and scary. For them both, not just for her. He had also probably said it at the worst time imaginable but he honestly through that it might have helped her just a little.
Sighing, he glanced back to truck and ambo behind him, both wanting to make sure Gabby was ok when she didn't turn up for work that morning, also so they could take her to the firehouse when she was ready. Pushing open the front door, Matt took a deep breath, steadying himself for what he might see.
The apartment was quiet, it was still only 8.45am so that's not a surprise but it was still, almost as though no one was there. Moving further into the living room, Matt noticed that there was another opened bottle of wine on the coffee table-but the still full glass told him that it hadn't been drunk.
As he moved further into their apartment, he could hear every creek of his boots on the wooden floor boards, each step making him wondering if Gabby would hear him or how she would react to see him standing there after he walked out last night.
That's when he noticed Gabby, curled up on the couch, her hands clutched to her chest, dry tear stains down her cheeks. She she fallen asleep on the couch after he had left, no doubt the alcohol taking over. Reaching for the open bottle and the glass, he moved them towards the kitchen, his boots crunching over the shattered glass from last night, the wine stain having dried, he made a mental note that he would have to clean that when he got back from shift.
Moving back towards the living room, Matt sat against the coffee table, hands on his lap as he took all of Gabby in, she looked so small and lost, very different from the angry woman he saw a last night but this was how she coped, Antonio and Kelly had told him as much.
"Gabby..." Touching her cheek gently, Matt watched as her face scrunched up, unsure of what was going on. "Come on baby..." He was trying to sooth her awake, not to frighten her. That's when he reached down to her hands, holding onto her tightly clasped hands, he noticed what she was holding.
He had given her a bracelet one day when they had started dating, it was something he had seen one day and instantly thought of her, she had loved it, wearing it everywhere or always having it in her bag when she was on shift. It was then he realised that she might have thought he wasn't coming back when he had walked out.
"You came back..." Gabby's voice caught his attention and his eyes flashed up to meet hers, a very unsure look on her face, she has said exactly what he had been thinking and part of that scared him. She really did believe that he wasn't going to come back. But Matt smiled gently, letting her know that it would be OK, that he would always come back.
"We were worried when you didn't come in this morning..." he watched her look over his shoulder at the clock behind him, her eyes narrowing as if she couldn't understand what time it was but then her eyes fell for the clock to him once more, taking in his turn out gear, the sudden realisation that it was after start of shift and she was still at home.
Matt helped Gabby sit up slowly, her head spinning as she tried to right herself before slowly standing, swaying on her feet a little but she kept Matt at a distance, not wanting to have to rely on him for help. Blinking she looked around, her eyes falling on the shattered glass on the floor, the red stain on the wall and ground. It all came back to her - the late night argument with Matt, his I love you and her throwing the wine glass at him. She hated that she had done that, hated that she had taken her anger out on him but she also couldn't believe he had told her that he loved her.
Did she love him? She honestly could have said absolutely but last night was not the place and considering what she had been through recently, it really wasn't the right time to say it. Part of her was angry again, at herself, at him, at everything. So instead of saying anything, Gabby pushed herself past him, making her way towards the bedroom.
Sighing, Matt rubbed the back of his neck, he hated when she did this, pushed him way, tried to work through everything on her own. He really did wish that she would let him help her. Step by step he followed her back to the bedroom where he found her dressing slowly, peeling off layer after layer of her worn clothing before searching for her uniform.
"Gabby baby...you can't go on like this..please, I need you to stop and listen to me..." he reached out his hands, trying to stop her movements, trying to get her attention. But Gabby pulled her hands away, her fingers continuing to button her pants.
No matter what he did, he couldn't stop her movements until he stood in front of her, his hands on her shoulders where he stopped her movements. "Please stop." He didn't want to be forceful with her but he needed her to stop what she was doing.
This was when Gabby spoke, her eyes narrowing at him. "You left Matt, you walked away. You told me that you loved me and then you left. Don't you dare stand there and tell me that I need to stop ok." She was mad, he can't just come back into her apartment and expect everything to be ok after he had just walked out on her.
"I didn't leave you Gabby, I needed space and honestly so did you. God Gabby you threw a glass at me!" He moved away from her, his own frustration coming out. Groaning he sat on the side of their unused bed. "I didn't want to leave last night Gabby but you made it clear that you didn't want me around last night and I didn't want to push you."
All he heard was Gabby pulling her shirt over her head, the rustling of her hair and the huff that came as she grabbed her jacket, "Tell me again how you love me. That will just make it all better." And then she was gone. Leaving Matt on his own one again, the front door slamming closed as she left.
The fire house was quiet when they all returned, Gabby had been dragged into Boden's office, given a earful about being on time and then she had taken her spot back on ambo as if nothing had happened. But it was clear to everyone that something had happened between her and Matt, it was just that no one was willing to say anything.
Gabby had hold herself up in the back of the ambo, taking inventory and just generally ignoring the world around her. Matt had decided to do the same - he had shut himself way in his office, using the time to go through his reports and finish up anything he hadn't already. That was until Kelly decided to make his presence knowing.
"You wanna talk about it?" Before Matt could tell him to leave, Kelly had already taken a seat on Matt's bed, watching until Matt had actually turned to face him.
Glancing over at the photo of himself and Gabby, Matt wasn't really sure what to say. Kelly had known Gabby for a very long time, Kelly knew her better than he did. "Just struggling man really. Gabby is struggling, I'm struggling. We got into it last night - late - and I ended up here...sleeping on my cot when I should have been at home with my girlfriend." Matt knew he shouldn't have left, but he had honestly needed space after Gabby had thrown that glass at him. She had never taken her anger out on him.
Kelly sighed as he watched Matt, he knew it was hard, Gabby had been through a lot and he knew how hard it had been for her the first time, he could see how hard it was for her this time as well. "Look man, I'm not going to pretend to give you any relationship advice coz well you know me better than that..." he snorted a little laugh when he saw the look that Matt had given him before continuing, "I just think that after the shit you went through will Hallie and the shit that Gabby went through before all this, you both deserve something good and you are each other's something good. Talk to her, argue with her, god even right with her, but don't ignore each other until what you could have had and should have had disappears coz you're both too angry and stubborn to even talk about it."
With that Kelly stood from the bed, leaving Matt alone with his thoughts, trying to also work out how Kelly Severide actually was capable of giving good relationship advice.
Matt looked around as he took in where he was, the place was dark, not very well lit but also because it was small, nothing like Molly's. It didn't take him long to find who he was looking for, the dark haired man sitting at the bar, his back to the door. Slowly Matt made his way over to his side, not wanting to bring too much attention to the situation from the few other people that were in the bar at midday.
He took the seat next to the man, a beer already placed in front of him, nodding his thanks to the bartender. They all sat in silence for a few moments, nothing being last between the two me, both knowing the other but neither saying a word. An that was getting to Matt, this man - who had been taking photos of him and Gabby, who had been taunting her for months now was jut sitting beside him, drinking a beer and chewing his gum. And as long as the silence stretched between them, the angrier Matt got.
Downing the last of the beer in front of him, the soft sound of the TV running in the background, Matt thought for a moment, he could walk away but he has never really been the sort of person to walk away from a situation. And so with the silence stretched between them both, the bar tender just walking back and forward, clean and washing, no attention paid to the two men sitting at his bar. Matt felt the anger rising, his words catching painfully in his throat.
Instead the sound of a breaking glass suddenly echoed through the quiet bar.
It happened in a blur-the stool underneath Jason was kicked away with a loud crash, those who were in the bar looking up in shock at the sound. Matt's hand then wrapped around the back of the his neck, pushing him forward, his head slamming into the bar top, his glass shattering against the ground as it flew off the bar top.
"Stay the hell away from Gabby. Do you hear me you son of a bitch, you come near Gabby one more time and I will bury you." Jason struggled against Matt"s hold, the hand on the back of his neck pushing him painfully into the wooden top. Matt's full weight against him.
But Jason was able to get out of his grip, pushing Matt backwards, he swung, a fist connecting with the side of Matt's fa ebullient not before Matt was able to land his own punch, sending Jason back again the bar top before crashing to the ground.
As the dust settled from the punch thrown, the rest of the people in the bar settling also, Matt leaned over and reached for Jason, his hands clasping tightly around Jason's shirt, "Understand me when I tell you this - Gabby is not your property, she is not someone who you can break and she is not someone who will break. Stay away from her." With one last shove backwards into the bar, Matt turned on his heels, leaving Jason in a mess on the floor.
"If I can't break her, how come she has been drinking herself drunk the last few weeks? And how come I saw you leave the apartment one night after midnight. I heard the yelling - it sounded awfully upsetting..." Jason laughed as he stood again, brushing himself off, not paying enough attention to have seen Matt turn one again, a fist swinging in his direction - sending him to the ground once again, this time, darkness taking him over.
As Matt left the bar, the shocked and nervous bartender called out to him, "I'm gonna call the cops" but Matt just kept on his way, shrugging as the bar door closed behind him.
Kelly had come over to spend some time with Gabby after everything had happened, Matt had told her that he was going out and they were both still on iffy terms after their fight the week before. Gabby was really starting to feel the pain of what had happened and what she had said and done the problem now was that she was fighting against herself to try and get her life back in order. She had spent so long being angry with everything that she had lost sight of what she did have and what was around her.
The first thing he noticed was that Matt wasn't there, the apartment was quiet except for the TV which was on low, Gabby curled up on the couch with a blanket as he walked in the door. He had told her that he was going to come over to watch the game - something he figured Matt would be around for, giving him time to watch them both and try to get a better idea of what was going on.
But when it was just her on the couch, he knew he really needed to find out what was going on. Lucky for him, after everything that Gabby had been through, he has always been able to get her to open up. He hoped tonight would be the same. "Hey kid." He took the seat next to her on the couch, Gabby instantly turning into his side, the brotherly love taking over as they just fell into silence, the TV the only source of sound.
They had been watching TV for almost an hour until Kelly looked at the time, it was almost 10 and Matt still wasn't home yet. He had glanced over at Gabby a few times since he had taken the seat next to her, each time her hands were either playing with the necklace around her neck or the bracelet around her wrist. Both of which were things that were given to her by Matt.
"Are you gonna tell me about it?" Kelly watched as Gabby played with the blanket around her legs, she and Kelly had known each other long enough that she expected him to ask, but Gabby was really hoping that he would just leave well enough alone. "Come on Gabs, what's going on?"
Gabby shrugged, not really knowing what to tell Kelly but also because the she would have to actually tell someone else what had happened that night. "He ah...he told me he loved me." She glanced up at Kelly, wondering if he already knew or what he would think. "Matt...he came to me and told me that he loved me."
Kelly nodded, he had expected Matt to have fallen in love with Gabby, just like Gabby had fallen in love with Matt, but there was something else going on. "I ah...I had been been drinking and Matt had woken up...God! I don't really know what happened next, I remember him telling me that he loved me and that in return I threw a wine glass at him." She shrugged again, "like I said, I don't really remember what happened but I just...I remember the look in his eyes. He looked so hurt. And then he just left..."
Kelly watched as Gabby wiped away a tear that had fallen down her cheek. "We haven't really talked about it and it's different between us now." But Kelly couldn't say anything, he just pulled Gabby into his side, letting her had fall onto his shoulder, silence falling over them both.
Sighing Kelly forced her to look at him, "You do know that he does love you though. We can all see it." But this caused Gabby to push herself away from him, standing up suddenly. She was angry with Matt and herself about of this, she didn't need Kelly jumping in as well.
"Oh come on! He says he loves me when I'm drunk and angry and terrified. Why the hell would he do that?"
"Because it's the truth..." the voice that returned to her was not that of Kelly, neither of them having heard him come back through the door as they talked. Gabby glanced up to find Matt standing by the doorway, Kelly with his back to him but they could all tell that something had changed in the air of the apartment.
Silence took over the three of them as Gabby and Matt just watched each other, trying to decide what to say or do next. Kelly felt it was the best time to leave and so with a quick nod to Matt he was out the door, not wanting to over stay.
It felt like forever that they stood there, waiting for the other to make a move, not wanting to be the first to give. But gabby realised that Matt had been the first to give when he had told her that he loved her. Sighing, she dropped her head and moved to lean against the table. "Matt..." but she couldn't find the words.
Dropping his bag by the front door, Matt sighed also. He knew that Gabby was struggling but he never saw her as weak, he would never think that of her, he just didn't know how to actually help her. "I said it because it's the truth Gabby. Did I pick the right time to tell you? Obviously my but it's the truth. I love you." He tried to move closer to her, thankful that she didn't retreat from him.
But instead of going to her side, Matt took a seat at the round table in the dinning area, hoping that maybe she would follow and sit opposite him. She didn't but she did watch him, knowing that they would have to talk. It had been over a week since all this had happened and they knew they needed to sit down together.
"When I told you that I loved you Gabby, it wasn't because you were upset or I thought it was what you wanted to hear, I told you that I loved you because I thought it might help you to know that I do love you. For everything that comes with that, everything you have been through, I love you more and more each day."
But still Gabby said nothing, just watching him, gauging what might come next.
But when Matt didn't speak again, Gabby thought she would take a small chance. Slowly she came to sit opposite him at the table, her hands in her lap, her eyes fixed on the table itself. "I'm sorry I threw the glass at you. Honestly I don't even remember pouring that glass. But I guess that's the point huh. I don't remember much of what has been happening, nights at Molly's, here." She wanted to reach out for him, wanting to touch his hand but she though better of it.
Instead she continued to speak, "I remember the days I begged you to stop drinking, the days that I told you that you deserved better and that you were hurting yourself with what you were doing. I guess I should learn to take my own advice huh." She distinctly remember the day she turned up at Matt's apartment where she had found him passed out on the couch from drinking the night before.
He had done the same to her just over a week ago.
My how the tables had turned.
"I want to be the strong person you say that I am Matt, but it's hard. Jason ruined my life, I never thought I'd get that part of me back again and then I came here, I get a job at 51 and I met you. I got my life back Matt. Parts of it that had nothing to do with him, parts that he had never touched before and then he turns up again."
As she spoke, Matt reached out for her, his hand engulfing her own. They both knew that this conversation wasn't the fix all but it was what they needed.
"You are strong Gabby, we both know you are. No one thinks less of you right now with what you are going through. I know it's rough for you right now but it will get better. You have 51 and Kelly and Shay...and me. We are here for you however you need us, you know that. But...baby...you are scaring me, worrying me with what you've been doing recently. The amount that you are drinking. I just you to safe and I want to make sure that you aren't going to inadvertently hurt yourself."
Gabby nodded, it was hard hearing Matt talk like this but she was an adult and they were in a relationship - she would do her best to take what he was saying.
After a few moments of silence, Gabby let her fingers run over the top of his hand, noticing the harsh broken skin that she found there. Furrowing her eyebrows together, she took a closer look, trying to remember if this was something that he had gotten on shift. But Matt spoke, not hiding anything from her. "I found Jason at a bar this afternoon. I got angry..." their eyes met, a softness coming over her before she sighed.
"Matt...I don't need you to fight my battles for me." It did upset her a little that he had gone after Jason, only because she didn't want him to get hurt and she really didn't trust Jason to not try something just to get back at her.
But Matt shook his head, "I'm not fighting your battles Gabby, you and I both know you don't need a knight in shining armour, but the guy doesn't get to take photos of us and not get what's coming to him." Matt raised his eyebrow at Gabby.
This was true, she couldn't argue with him about that, he was also standing up for himself.
Turning their hands over, Gabby let her fingers entwine with his. "So...where do we go from here?"
It's taken a while but there it is! Please review!