35

Lucifer came to me in my dream. "I was wondering when you would fall asleep. You don't seem to keep a regular schedule, my love."

"Leave me, now!" I said stepping away from him.

"Now, now, don't be like that. I'm not here to argue or fight with. I come bearing a gift. I want to give your memories back to you. The ones that I still hold dear to my heart." He said softly.

"I don't want them." I said stepping further away.

We were standing on a grass covered hill overlooking the ocean and it was at sunset. It was gorgeous, but I wanted to wake up.

"You were happy with me. You loved me once. More than anything. It was you who turned me against the humans. It was you who opened my eyes to their weakness and plague on the world. You and I had plans to rule this place, just us. Forever together."

"I don't believe you." I said shaking my head, trying to ignore the pounding in my chest.

He reached a hand out and touched my cheek, I didn't pull away. I actually felt… my body responding to him. "There, how about a little one."

An image flashed in front of me, lying in a bed of white with him in all his glorious beauty. I was even more stunning. His hands grazed down my bare back. I smiled and rolled over our lips meeting in a clash of pure desire.

The image faded, but to the emotions I felt from it.

"He wanted to please me and have me pleased. When he gave me you… I loved you instantly. You loved me, that's all you knew was your love for me." He paused and stepped away from me. "When He took you from me, for going against him and sent you here to live as those that you had hated… My heart was broken. I wanted nothing else than to be with you." He turned back to me. "Then you fell into a strange circumstance that no one had anticipated. You can be with me again. I'll be in Sam… It'll be more comfortable for you. And I can bring Arria back for you, only for you would I do that. I will love her like my own and we can live happily together forever."

"While the world burns? While everyone I ever cared for dies?" I shook my head. "That's not a life I want."

"That's the problem with this human persona of your's… too sentimental for others. Let me show you who you were. Let me show you the love we shared." He stepped closer toward me and stepped back.

"I don't them."

He wrapped an arm around me and cupped my cheek. "They're yours and I'm giving them to you, whether you want it or not. I warn you though, my love. This will hurt… a lot. Please forgive me, but I want you back where you belong." He leaned down and kissed me deeply.

And then a sharp pain flared up my spine and I screamed the dream fading. I grabbed my head as the memories flooded into me. I screamed as the pain made my head feel like it was going to explode.

"Dee!" Dean yelled.

"Pull over!" Sam yelled.

The memories flashed, so much desire. So much love, between Lucifer and I. Pure blinding love that I felt for him, flooded into my body. I screamed as my whole body spasmed. I felt arms dragging me out of the car.

There was too much pain. I could feel warm liquid coming out of my nose, and knew it was blood.

"What the hell is going?!" I heard Dean beside me.

"How the hell should I know? Dee, can you hear me?" I heard Sam.

I couldn't speak through the pain. My body spasmed harder as more images. Lucifer and I had been together for so long. So much love and desire, passion and pure bliss.

And then… me convincing Lucifer that humans were maggots, nothing and needed to be eliminated. A plague on the world. He more or less agreed with me outright, but I had mentioned it first. We had planned on ruling together, forever in our pure blissful love.

The memories slammed into me, bringing with them their emotions. When it finally stopped my head was pounding and I was coughing up blood as my body shuddered and I cried.

I cried for the loss of a true love, a passion so strong it still shuddered through my body. I cried for the rush of feelings I didn't want.

I finished cough up blood as my body shivered. I still cried and Sam wrapped his arms around me and I clung to him… feeling something change. I still felt the energy flowing from him and into me. I still wanted to be in his and Dean's arms, but now… something felt like it was missing. I cried harder.

"Dee, you're kind of freakin' us out, babe." Dean said softly.

"Dean…" Sam said. "Give her a minute. She's not screaming, just…"

"Sam, she was sleeping just fine and then started screaming like she was in the very flames of hell! Then she practically had a seizure twice! And then coughed up blood, forgive me if I'm not calming down!" Dean yelled.

"Why don't we get back in the car and get a room now? Maybe by then she'll have calmed down enough." Sam said softly.

"Fine! Let's go!" I heard Dean walk away.

Sam's hand went to my cheek and he brushed it tenderly. "Come on, hun. You want me to carry?"

I nodded weakly.

He kissed my head and moved me from his lap as he got to his feet kneeling and lifted me up easily. I had stopped sobbing, but tears were still streaming. I couldn't shake the emotions flowing through me and more than anything I wanted to.

We drove into the nearby town and Dean got out and got us a double room. I walked in myself, Sam keeping his arm around me. I got into the room and Dean closed the door behind us.

"Alright, you gonna tell us what's going on now, babe?" Dean asked, his voice full of concern.

"Do I have to?" I said flatly, staring at the floor as I slipped my boots off.

"Uh, after that terrifying display? Yes, yes you have to tell us what happened!" Dean snapped making me wince slightly. He sighed and sat down beside me. "Babe, I'm sorry. You just really freaked us out back there. We just want to know what happened."

"Lucifer came to my dreams." I replied.

Sam kneeled in front of me, catching my eyes. "What happened?"

"Do your magic thingy and show us." Dean said.

I shook my head, "Not this. Please don't make me show you it."

Sam's brow furrowed in concern. "Why?"

I stood up, "One, I don't want you to see it. Two… I don't know if I can show you it without hurting you."

Sam stood up and grabbed my hand gently, "What don't you want us to see?"

I met his eyes and saw his love, concern, fear… all for me. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "If I show you… I don't want it to change how you feel about me." A tear slipped down my cheek.

Sam wiped it away, "Nothing could do that. Right, Dean?"

Sam stepped away as Dean stood up and wrapped his arms around me. "Never." he whispered.

After a moment I nodded. "Fine… sit down."

They sat on the end of the bed and glanced at each other briefly before looking at me. I stepped forward and started to put my hands out but hesitated. They each gently grabbed a hand and held it to their cheek. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I feared this would be changing us… forever.

I closed my eyes and let the memory flow to them. I showed them everything. I felt my tears warm on my cheeks. When I was done I pulled my hands back and wrapped them around myself.

They opened their eyes and looked at each other. Then they glanced at me, but didn't say anything. The tears came faster and I rushed into the bathroom and locked the door.

I started the shower and undressed. I stood under the water for a while hopping the warm water would make me feel better, but it didn't. I cried harder, feeling… broken.

I crumpled to the bottom of the bath tub. I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my head as the water streamed over me. I wanted it to end. The feelings for Lucifer, the memories that wouldn't go away. The way Sam and Dean had looked at me…

I stayed there under the water, it started to go cold, but I stayed. It got colder, but I didn't care. My body began to shiver and I wasn't sure if it was from the freezing cold water or everything rushing through my body and mind. Maybe, just maybe, if I stayed there long enough the cold water would freeze me and I wouldn't feel anything anymore.

Eventually, Dean knocked on the door. "Babe, come on now open up. You've been in here to over two hours. I know there isn't that much hot water." He knocked harder. "Dee?!"

I didn't move.

I heard the door being kicked open and I jumped slightly, but stayed.

The shower curtain was pulled away and the water was shut off. "Dee!" Dean kneeled down and wrapped a towel around me. "You're freezing! Sam get a blanket."

Sam rushed out and came back with a blanket and tossed it at Dean. He wrapped it around me and lifted me out of the tub and carried me out to a bed where Sam threw back the covers and Dean set me down, sitting by me.

Sam sat on my other side and pulled the blankets around me. I shivered as Dean wrapped his arms tighter around me.

"Nothing's changed, Dee." Sam said softly.

"Nothing," Dean agreed. "I really only got bits and piece, but there's nothing that changed how we feel about you now. We still love you."

"I… m-m-made… L-lucifer… turn on humans. It was me who s-s-said it first. It was m-m-my idea." I said through chattering teeth from being so cold.

"But that's not who you are now." Sam said. "Even Lucifer said you've changed."

"Do you feel that way now?" Dean asked.

I shook my head, "N-n-no! Of course, n-n-not."

"Then it doesn't matter what you said centuries ago. That's not who you are now." Sam said softly.

"Maybe one of us should run and get something warm for her to drink." Dean said.

"Good idea. I'll be, uh, back. I'll get some food too." Sam got up and left

Dean rubbed my shoulders trying to warm me up faster. Then he stood up and pulled his shirt over his head and kicked his shoes off. He got under the covers with me and into the blankets wrapped around me, pulling my naked body towards his bare chest.

He winced from my coldness, but held me tightly against him. I knew what he was doing had nothing to do with sexual desire, just a desire to warm me up faster. I wrapped one arm around him and rested my head against his chest.

"Nothing is ever going to change how I feel about you, babe, ever. Got that?" He moved slightly to meet my eyes.

I nodded and he brought his lips to mine. The rush of energy in his kiss warmed me greatly. I deepened the kiss and he wasn't expecting it, but he welcomed it, his hands pressing against my back harder. I felt the rush of desire and lifted my leg over his side, his hand trailing down my leg.

Then he pulled away slightly, "Hold that thought, love." He rolled over and grabbed his phone and started texting.

I assumed he was texting Sam, telling him to take his time coming back. He set his phone down and rolled back over to me. "Now, where were we?" He smirked.

I wrapped my hand around his neck and pulled him back to my lips. This time I was the one kissing him desperately; clinging to every ounce of emotion he inflicted in me that I could.

I wanted to chase away the memories of Lucifer. I wanted to eradicate them and fill my mind with only Dean and Sam.

Dean moved between my legs, his pants gone. I grabbed his hips and pulled them toward me. He entered me hard and strong. I moaned in pleasure.

Flashes of Lucifer and I danced behind my eyes, somehow adding to the pleasure I felt. Every hard thrust of Dean's hips ignited even more desire with every flash of Lucier and I.

I pushed Dean onto his back and straddled him, moving my hips hard. Dean moaned loudly in delight, his hands gripping my hips. He sat up wrapping his arms around me and kissing me deeply.

Dean rolled me onto my back and thrust hard and deep. I moaned even louder, gripping the sheets under me. I moved my hands to his back, my nails digging into him as he thrust harder. Our moans almost echoing through the room.

With a final hard thrust our bodies shudder together in delight. We were slightly gasping for air as he laid on his back. Flashes of Lucifer filled my mind as I rolled, facing my back to Dean, my head still resting on his arm. He wrapped his other arm around me and kissed my shoulder as he pulled me to him closer.

I was grateful that he couldn't see the few tears that I shed in guilt for enjoying those memories in the moment.

"I love you, Dee." He whispered softly to me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I love you too."

"Hmm, that was… unbelievable, babe. You're amazing." He sighed happily. "Nice way to warm you up, too." He chuckled lightly.

We stayed like that for a while and then he got up to get dressed. My clean clothes were in the car, which Sam had taken. Dean sent him a text saying it was safe to come back.

I stayed where I was, staring blankly at the wall… silently hating myself for everything I could think of that I had done wrong in every life, and for everything I enjoyed about the memories of Lucifer.

When Sam returned with the food and coffee for me at my request. Dean slipped out and got me clothes. I wrapped a blanket around me and went into the bathroom to get dressed. I slipped the tank top on and the underwear leaving everything else for later when we would leave.

Sat back down on the bed, Sam handing me the coffee and sitting beside me as Dean sat at the table and ate. I was still slightly cold, but not from the cold shower, I had a blanket wrapped around my shoulders and was leaning against Sam, his arm around me.

Once the guys had fallen asleep I got up and brought out my laptop and sat at the desk, replying to emails. Having the board of directors meant I had less emails to reply to regarding the foundation. I had a few from Marcus about the bar and hotel and how well they were all doing as well as informing me that he and Kelsey were together and thinking about moving in together.

I replied to it with congratulations and my best wishes for them. Then I closed my laptop and curled my knees to my chest on the seat as I stared at nothing. The memories kept playing, but I refused to fall asleep. I feared that Lucifer would come to me again and I didn't want him to. I was afraid of what I would feel and do or say. I didn't trust myself with him and that made me shiver with fear.

I could feel my love for Lucifer. The desire that flared for him with the memories. I didn't want it, I truly wholeheartedly didn't want any of it… but I couldn't stop feeling all of it. I could swear I could feel his arms around me and the worst part was that I found myself yearning to be in his arms. I felt like I was losing my grasp on everything.

Sam woke up, "Dee, hun, what are you doing up? You need to get some sleep."

"I'm fine. Can't sleep." I lied. "I was just checking my email. Go back to sleep, Sam."

"Dee… I've known you long enough to know when something's bothering you." He said softly as he moved on the bed.

"I'm fine, really." Another lie. I was nowhere near fine, but I couldn't tell either of them what I was feeling.

I felt the chair move as Sam pulled it toward him on the edge of the bed and turned it to face him. "No you're not. And that's alright, hun. You just got hit with something really big, it's okay to need some time to sort it out." He kissed the back of one of my hands, his hands gently on my legs. "We're here for you, just know that. Don't shut us out, Dee." His eyes softened. "You've been our rock for so long. You've held us together. Let us do the same for you, please."

Tears welled in my eyes and fell over my cheeks. He gently brushed them away then took my hand gently, "Come on." He stood up and moved to lean against the headboard and patted the bed between his legs.

I sat down and leaned back against him, he wrapped his arms around me. One hand stroking my hair gently. I didn't sleep, neither did he. He just held me.

Dean got up and took a shower and we all got ready to leave. I got the jeans on and the bra and the over shirt. I sat on the end of the bed and put my boots on. Sam had left to get some coffee.

We were ready by the time he got back and got in the impala and hit the road. We all sat up front.

I was quiet, tired, and still refused to sleep.

Dean's hand slid to my thigh and he tapped it gently and lifted his arm. I leaned against him and he wrapped his arm around me.

My phone dinged from the glove box and Sam reached for it and handed it to me. I had set up my phone to send me news articles with specific key terms. I pulled up the article and scanned through it sitting up.

"I think I found Pestilence." I said softly handing Sam my phone.

Dean phone rang and he answered. "Yeah, that's what Dee just said, too." he snickered as he glanced at me. "No, something on her phone. Doesn't matter, we're headed there." He nodded as Bobby spoke. "Got it." He hung up. "Looks like we're headed out west again."

"Yeah," Sam said as he read through the article. "But it's swine flu. Doesn't that seem a bit… low scale for a Horseman?"

"It's gotta be him, though." I took my phone back and brought up another article about crying statues. "That's certainly not normal." I said handing it back to him.

"Alright, statues crying blood… that's not normal." Sam nodded. "Okay then. So, we stay on the road till we get there then?"

"That's the plan. We gotta catch him." Dean said. "Then we're down to one more ring to get."

"That's one more step closer to trapping Lucifer in his cage." Sam added.

His words literally stung me. I made sure not to show it though. I steeled myself. I didn't want Lucifer to take of the world. I didn't want people to die.

And yet… I didn't want Lucifer trapped forever. I couldn't fight it. I was losing my mind with battling emotions and thoughts. I had to lock my emotions away, I had to steel myself for what I had to do. I had to focus on something… anything else…

Sam fell asleep, having spent most of the time at the hotel holding me and not sleeping. I still refused to sleep. I stared out the front window, reading signs, counting, reading license plates.

We stopped to get gas and got an energy drink. Something I had never had before simply because I knew how bad they were for you, but I needed something to keep me awake. It was one of those small shot ones. I downed it and purchased a few more shoving them in my bag for later.

I traded on driving, making it appear that I was sleeping in the back, even though I just stared at the back of the seat. I was still quiet. Spoke when I was asked questions, but stayed quiet, locked in my confusing thoughts, threatening to drive me crazy.

It took us two days to drive to the first known outbreak. Dean and Sam did the investigating. I stayed at the car.

While they left in their FBI suits I sat on the hood of the car and practiced trying to make my daggers multiply more than just double. It took awhile, but by the time the guys returned I had fifteen daggers spinning around me.

I spun them in the air and slammed them all into the ground, making them absorb each other until I had one. I slipped off the hood and made it disappear, the energy absorbing back into me.

"Damn! You've been practicing!" Dean said.

"Nothing better to do." I replied.

"So, not much here. Let's hit the next town." Sam said.

I got in and they followed.

Three towns later and we still hadn't found Pestilence. But we knew he had been there. Four days of no sleep and counting. I was running on fumes.

Dean called Bobby on the road from Nevada, putting him on speaker phone. "Let me guess… another steamin'-hot pile of swine flu." Bobby said.

"Doesn't make any sense, Bobby. Pestilence touched down here. I'm sure of it." Sam replied.

I was in the back seat, trying not to fall asleep.

"But why is he dealing them soft serve like swine flu when he's got the croatoan virus up his sleeve? I-I-I don't get it." Dean said.

"Doesn't matter what the sick son of a bitch is doing. What matters is this is the fourth town he's hit- that we know of- and we're still eating his dust. Did you get anything? We got even a snowball at a probably next target? What does Dee think?" Bobby asked.

"Uh, Dee's… There's no pattern we can see." Sam replied.

I didn't have anything. There really wasn't any pattern.

"Okay. Hold on. Well, far as I can tell, he's still heading East. So… Head East, I guess." Bobby said.

"East?" Sam and Dean said together. "Bobby, we're in West Nevada. East is practically all there is." Dean added.

"Yeah, well, you better get drivin'." Bobby said.

Then beside me was Crowley. 'Say… I've got an idea."

I materialized a dagger and Sam and I both stabbed toward him, but only hit the seat as Dean screeched to a stop.

"Did you get him?" Dean asked with a grunt.

"He's gone." Sam replied.

Crowley appeared beside the car. "Fancy a fag and a chat? You're upset. We should discuss it. Not here, but-" He started walking away and we got out and followed after him.

"You want to talk? After what you did to us?" Sam said angrily.

"After what I- what i did to you?! I gave you the colt!" Crowley replied.

"Yeah, and you knew it wouldn't work against the devil!" Sam yelled.

"I never!" Crowley replied.

I spun my dagger in my hand and Crowley eyed me nervously.

"You set us up. We lost people on that suicide run- Good people!" Sam yelled.

"Who you take on the ride is your own business! Look, everything is still the same. W-we're all still in this together." Crowley said.

I multiplied my daggers.

"Sure we are." Sam said as he lunged the demon killing blade toward Crowley but he teleported.

I spun my daggers around me and aimed them were Crowley ended up. "Call your dogs off- please." Crowley said to Dean.

"Give me one good reason." Dean said as I surrounded Crowley with my daggers.

"I can give you pestilence." Crowley said.

I pulled my daggers back a little. "What do you know about pestilence?" I asked.

"I know how to get him. That's got your interest, doesn't it?" Crowley asked.

"Are you actually listening to this?" Sam asked.

I slowly brought my daggers closer.

"Sam." Dean said then turned to me. "Dee."

"Are you friggin' nuts?!" Sam said then turned to me. "Just end it."

"Shut up for a second, Sam! Dee, hold off." Dean said.

I pulled them back a little.

"Shut up, the both of you! Look… I swear…" Crowley said as my dagger narrowed on him again. "I thought the colt would work. It's an honest mistake. It's all part of the learning process. But nothing's changed. I still want the devil dead. Well… one thing's changed. Now the devil knows that I want him dead. Which, by the way, makes me the most buggered son in all of creation."

"Holy crap. We don't care." Dean replied.

"They burnt down my house! They ate my tailor! Two months under a rock, like a bloody salamander! Every demon on hell and earth's got eyes out for me! And yet… Here I am… Last place I should be- in the road, talking to Sam and Dean Winchester with the one person in this world the devil wants more than me wants me dead, under a spotlight!" The light above Crowley exploded. "So come with me. Please. Do you want the horsemen rings or not? Yes, I know all about that. Shall we?"

I let the daggers circle up and absorb each other until the one was left and I brought it to my hand. A moment later we were standing in an abandoned house. I was drained. Not of power… just beyond tired.

Crowley sighed, "Here we are- My life on the lam. How the mighty have fallen. Single-pane glass. Used contraception in the fireplace. the water damage alone-"

"My heart's bleeding for you. Now, how do you know about the rings?" Dean asked.

"Well, now… I've been keeping a close eye on you lot." Crowley said.

"We got hex bags. We're hidden from demons." Sam replied.

"All but one. That night you broke into my house, our first date, my valet hid a tracking device in your car. A magical coin that easily trumps your little bag o' bones. It allows me to hear things, too- and the things I've heard." Crowley chuckled. "So, you want to cram the devil back in the box? Cunning scheme. I want in."

"You said you could get us pestilence." Dean said.

"Well, now… I don't know where pestilence is… per se. But I do know the demon who does. He's what you might call the horseman's stable boy. He handles their itineraries, their personal needs. He's who you want- believe me. He'll tell us where Sneezy's at."

"Well, how do we get him to spill? Rip out his toenails?" Dean asked.

Sam was eyeing me occasionally.

"No. Nuts at his pay grade don't crack. We bring him here, then I sell him." Crowley replied.

"Sell him?" Sam said turning back to Crowley.

"Please. I've sold sin to saints for centuries. Think I can't close one little demon?"

"Alright, so where's this demon of yours?" Dean asked.

"Why are we even listening to him, Dean? This is totally insane." Sam said.

"I don't disagree." Dean said.

"One big happy family, are we, then? Fantastic!"

"You ready to go?" Dean asked Crowley.

"Yes. Yes. I am. Sam, keep the home fires burning. And tend to your girl there." Crowley said.

"What are you talking about?" Dean asked.

"Sam and Dee aren't coming." Crowley said.

"And why the hell not?" I asked.

"Because I don't like you." He said to Sam. "I don't trust you." He said to me. "Oh, yes, and you both keep trying to kill me. And besides, look at you. You haven't slept in days. How many has it been now? Three? Four? You're running on fumes, darling."

Dean and Sam both turned to me. "Dee? Why haven't you been sleeping?" Dean asked.

I swallowed hard, "I'm fine." I said flatly.

"Sure you are darling, now. What's it gonna be?" Crowley asked Dean. No one said anything. "Gentleman… Dee, Enjoy your last few sunsets."

"Wait. I'll go." He turned to Sam. "What can I say? I believe the guy. Make sure she gets some sleep." He said pointing at me.

I joined Sam at the window as we watched Crowley and Dean drive off in the impala.

"How long, Dee?" Sam asked softly.

"What?"

"I found your energy drinks in your bag. How long?"

"Four days." I finally said.

He turned toward me, "Why?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. The last time I fell asleep, Lucifer came to me and filled my head with things I'd rather forget! Excuses me if I'm a bit afraid to fall asleep again."

"You can't just not sleep, Dee." He brushed my cheek. "Come on let's find a decent bed to get you some sleep in."

I finally followed him and he found a bed. I laid down. He sat with me until I fell asleep. Which took only mere minutes and like I feared, Lucifer came to me.