Taylor balanced on the railing of her balcony and carefully lit a cigarette. Jude watched as she took a long inhale and then brushed her hair over her shoulder.
"Daria know about the smoking yet?"
"Not yet," Taylor said. "She'll notice soon and then she'll probably start stealing them."
"You need to learn to share."
"Or I'll just find someone who smokes and date them so that I can steal their cigarettes." Taylor held out the pack of cigarettes to Jude but he shook his head. "I know you've smoked before."
"Once when we were, like, fifteen. I nearly hacked up a lung." Jude nodded the neck of his beer bottle toward her. "I'll just stick with this, thanks."
"Isn't it scary, Jude?"
"What?"
"We're adults. We have responsibilities and shit to do."
"We can still hide behind the guise of students," Jude said, laughing. "But we knew it was going to happen."
Taylor took another drag off her cigarette and stared down at the street, eight stories below. She blinked, soft and slow, and her expression became one of nostalgia. "But did we really, though?"
Jude really had no reply to that and so he took a sip of his beer. They sat in silence as Taylor finished off her first cigarette and immediately decided that she wanted a second. Jude watched again as she took her lighter to the tip of the cigarette and it lit easily. Smoke curled from the end and Taylor swished her finger through it.
"Talk to me, Jude."
"About what?"
"About anything."
Jude moved closer to her so that he could rest his head against her shoulder. Her arm curled around him and her hand rested in his hair.
"Are you okay, Taylor?"
"I don't know, Jude. There's something I haven't been allowed to tell you."
"Can you tell me now?"
"You can't tell Daria."
"I only really talk to Daria when I'm with you."
She held out one hand anyway, her pinkie finger extended. Jude hooked their fingers together, sealing the promise. Taylor inhaled from her cigarette and on her exhale, she confessed.
"Daria's pregnant. Six weeks."
Jude lifted his beer bottle to his lips at the news. "Well, she and Thomas have been together since first year, right?"
"He's not the kid type. Daria is very much kids in the future type." Taylor ran her fingers through his hair. "It just has me thinking about it too much. She doesn't know what to do and I have no advice to give her. She's scared to tell Thomas but she's scared to be pregnant but she's scared to have an abortion. She doesn't know what to do."
"I don't think there's an easy answer." Jude turned so that his arms were fully around Taylor's waist and he hugged her tightly. "You know I'm here."
"I know. You're good like that." Taylor finished off her second cigarette, stamping it into her ash tray. "Let's go in, Jude. I have back episodes of Project Runway for us to watch."
"Oh, good, those are my favourite."
Taylor slid off the railing and tucked her hand into Jude's, leading him back into her apartment and over to the couch, where they watched TV late into the night. They cuddled on the couch but talked about nothing deeper than the pros and cons of the TV shows and who should win and why.
"I need to see you more often," Taylor said. "You're the least dramatic person I know."
"Thank you?"
"It's easy to spend time with you. Because I never have to worry about what you're secretly thinking. You're just so open, Jude."
"You're not exactly a mystery, Taylor."
"Other people are. Other people are complicated and dramatic and have a thousand things going on –"
"Like my family."
"But you just … go to school, go to work, and live your life. The most dramatic thing you've done since starting university was develop a crush on Connor."
"I like to think I'm a little more interesting than that," Jude protested. "But I guess I see your point."
"Remember the golden rule of being friends with me."
"You're always right. I know."
Taylor grinned. "Good boy!"
Jude shook his head at her and then he yawned. "Can we go to bed?"
"It is three a.m. I guess I should just be proud that I kept you up this long."
She hopped up off the couch, turning the TV off. Jude followed her into her room, which was a mess of clothing. From the desk to the floor, everything was covered in random articles of clothing.
"Oh, nice bra," Jude commented dryly, seeing the garment hanging from one of the dresser knobs. "Is it new?"
"It's a little disturbing that you know that."
"Maybe if you kept some of your clothing in drawers or in the closet …"
"You would think you, of all people, would be advocating to keep things out of the closet."
Jude rolled his eyes, even as he and Taylor turned their backs on one another to change into pyjamas. "They're hardly comparable things. Some things are supposed to be in the closet."
"And people aren't one of them. I know, Jude. We've both been there."
Jude crawled into Taylor's large bed, settling himself against the wall while she took up her favourite spot – the exact middle.
"You're also uncomplicated about this, which I like. We're totally platonic. Sometimes I feel like I have to constantly be sexual. Like, appealing. Even with people I don't want to sleep with or who I know don't want to sleep with me. I feel like I have to impress people that I don't matter to and that will never matter to me."
"I think we all feel the need to impress sometimes."
Taylor sighed, then she reached over and turned her bedroom light off, leaving them both in darkness.
"Are you sure you're okay, Taylor? Is there something else you're not telling me? You've been a little strange this weekend."
"My thoughts are too heavy for my head."
Jude waited in the darkness for the right response to come to him, but it never did. Next to him, Taylor eventually fell asleep. Though Jude was tired, he stared up at the white ceiling and listening to the cars go by on the always busy street below. Taylor tossed and kicked in her sleep, as she normally did, and Jude shifted his legs out of the way to avoid being bruised. He looked at her and worried about her, but he knew that, unless she confided in him, there was nothing that he could do but make sure that she knew he was listening. He hoped it wasn't serious; he wanted to believe Taylor would tell him if it were.
Taylor turned away from him, but Jude turned onto his side so that he was facing her, and he closed his eyes.
(-.-)
Jude: Just made it to campus
Taylor: Glad the car didn't break down
Jude: I told you. Connor named him Gerald.
Taylor: I'm glad Gerald didn't die.
Taylor: Thank you for coming this weekend. I needed that.
Jude: I'm always here if you need me. Whenever you need to talk. If you need me to drive down more, I will.
Taylor: We'll Skype soon, okay? I'll see you on Halloween.
Jude: See you then.
He locked his car behind him and set across campus to the library. He knew that he was late to meet Connor – there'd been a traffic accident on one of the highways that he'd taken back. He'd been about to do the logical thing and text Connor about the delay when he realized that he did not, in fact, have Connor's number. Jude had checked Facebook, to see if he could send Connor a message that way, but it seemed that Connor didn't have Facebook. He was worried that, due to the forty-five minute time difference, Connor would have left the library and their scheduled study session, but when Jude approached the large building, he immediately spotted Connor, sitting on the library steps. Jude rushed over to him, calling out to him before he actually reached Connor.
Connor looked up and relief drifted across his face.
"I got caught in traffic!" Jude said. "I'm so sorry! You really didn't have to wait."
"What else was I going to do?" Connor said, though his tone was soft, and Jude got the feeling that Connor wasn't really looking for an answer. He looked up at Jude and answered more clearly, "We had plans."
"I hope we still do."
Connor nodded. "I brought my books and my laptop."
"And the study room is all booked!"
They found their way up to the study room and took their seats across from each other. Instead of taking out his books, though, Jude unlocked his phone and brought up the new contact screen. He slid his phone across the table to Connor, who thankfully caught it before it could slide off the lip of the table. He looked at Jude curiously.
"I just thought I should have your number, just in case it happens again. Or vice versa. Or just to text. Or … whatever." Jude clicked his teeth together. Connor was so easy to talk to and Jude constantly worried that he would give himself away. Taylor said that he was open. Perhaps that meant that he was too obvious as well.
Connor didn't seem to notice. His fingers trembled over Jude's phone screen but he carefully filled out his information and handed the phone back to Jude. Jude saved his contact information and then sent a text to Connor.
Jude: Hi.
Connor looked down at his phone screen as it lit up. His eyes swept over the message and then he looked back to Jude. "Hi."
"I've got a confession to make," Jude said, leaning forward.
"What's that?" Connor asked.
He didn't lean toward Jude, but he didn't lean away either. Jude wondered if that meant something. It was clear how Connor disliked people to be close to him.
"I really don't feel like studying."
"Oh. Well, I can go. We can do it when you feel like it." He spoke quickly, tripping over his own words.
"Connor, I was more trying to ask you if you'd be willing to do something different."
"Oh!" Connor's eyes widened.
Jude almost shook his head. Connor really didn't know what he was asking at all. He wondered what kind of circumstances had built the man in front of him, and Jude wanted to know. He wanted to know how Connor's thoughts and what his heart held. He wanted to know him like Jude had never wanted to know another person before. He didn't have any expectations of anything coming from his crush, but he wanted to be Connor's friend. He had some strange conviction that he and Connor were supposed to be in one another's lives.
"Something like what?"
"Well, I don't want to do anything you wouldn't like."
"You're a very considerate person."
"Honestly, I'll tell you what I was thinking, though."
"Honesty is a good policy."
"It's been a long weekend. And I don't know how much you'll like the sound of this, but I was thinking, we would go to my place."
"And do what?"
There was hesitance and alarm in Connor's voice.
"No, no. Like, watch movies, order take out, maybe actually read a chapter or two of the textbook. I'd drive you home as soon as you wanted or there's a bus that goes by me every half an hour for most of the night. You could leave whenever you wanted."
Connor didn't answer right away. He spun his phone in his hands. Jude waited patiently.
"I don't know."
"You don't have to. You always have a choice with me, Connor."
Connor's hands stilled. "You … are a very understanding person."
His voice was so low that Jude almost missed his words.
"In ways you might not expect," Jude commented, and Connor's head flew up in surprise. "But I don't think those are stories that either of us want to tell just yet."
Jude stayed silent while Connor pondered his statement.
"Jude?"
"Yeah?"
"If we went to your house, could we order a pizza?"
"If you wanted to. I'm always in the mood for pizza."
"Then let's go," Connor said, reaching for his bag.
"If you're sure."
"I'm not a liar, Jude."
"I believe you. Come on, Gerald's just in the parking lot. Or did you need something from your room?"
"No. I've got it all."
They walked out the Gerald together. When they got into the car, Connor said a careful hello to Gerald. When Jude turned the key, the car started without a problem; as if it never had a problem starting.
"I think he likes you," Jude said.
Connor placed his hands against the dashboard. "I like him … I mean … he has character."
"That's why I bought him. That, and he was cheap. I didn't have a car my first year of university and so, when summer hit, I decided that I was done not having one and so I splurged eight hundred dollars on him."
"Fancy."
"Worth it. It gets me here to home as often as I want to go. Which isn't as often as it should be, all things considered, but, you know, that's the price, I guess. I still call my moms a lot."
"I talk to my dad every day," Connor revealed.
"Really?"
"Mostly after I finish classes. Other times, depending on his work, then it's before I go to bed for the night. They don't always last very long," Connor mused. "But they make him feel better."
"Do they make you feel better?" Jude asked.
Connor stared at out the window. He traced his finger along the edge of the door, trying to decide on his answer. He looked over at Jude's profile and said, "It's comforting."
"I can see that." Jude reached his hand across the dashboard and turned the radio on softly.
Connor didn't have anything to say and so he faced out the window again. The streets slowly became residential and Connor wondered what he was doing. He liked Jude, certainly; they were friends. He trusted Jude to a degree but he didn't know if he would be all right in this situation. This wasn't something that he had been able to think about in advance and talk about with his father or his therapist. Jude had asked and he had just decided, sitting in the study room, to not follow his terrified logic that would lead him into seclusion. The part of him that was still unguarded and soft, the part of him that still believed that his heart could lead in the right direction, told him to go. And Jude had said that whenever he wanted to go, he could go. That, Connor absolutely believed. He had a choice with Jude – he believed that too.
Jude turned on his blinker and they pulled into a gravel driveway. The house in front of Connor was nondescript – it was two stories, painted yellow. The spot where Jude was parked was a fairly small sliver. On the other side of the house, Connor could see a bigger driveway where there was another car parked.
"My land lady, Melanie's," Jude explained. "She and her six-year-old daughter live upstairs, but I barely see them. It works."
Connor nodded. The two of them got out of a car and followed a stone path down to the basement door. There was a small patio to the left of the door, on which there was a tiny barbeque with a bit of rust around it. There was a small bit of backyard to the house and it was fenced in.
"The yard is shared space," Jude said, fitting his key in the lock. "Like I warned you before, it's small."
"I live in a nano room," Connor reminded him.
Jude shrugged and swung the door open. He flicked a light switch just inside of the door and stepped inside. Connor hesitated on the doorstep for a second. If he asked to go back to campus now, Jude would take him. Connor swallowed. He didn't want to go back to campus. He stepped inside, looking around.
It was small, just as Jude warned him. Connor shut the door behind him, taking in the room before him. Just ahead of him, in an alcove on the left wall, was Jude's bed, which had curtains pulled half-shut around it. Two or three feet back from the bed, there was the kitchen. A counter with the sink in it stretched toward the centre of the room, dividing the kitchen space away from the living room area. There were four tall stools tucked under the counter, which, Connor assumed, made up for the lack of a dining room table. Jude had one large couch in the living room part, which was pointed at a semi-dated TV. On the far wall from Connor was a wooden dresser and an overcrowded bookshelf. He spotted one door near the back of the room.
Connor was distracted by an object directly to his right.
"Is this a hat stand?" he asked, reaching out to touch the long, skinny thing.
"Technically, I guess it would be a coat stand," Jude said. "There's no hall closet here for that kind of thing and Moms and I found it when we were hunting around thrift stores in May."
"That's really cool," Connor said.
"I like it, anyway. Um, I keep my takeout menus above the fridge if you want to find something for pizza. I just need to go to the washroom."
He disappeared behind the door.
Connor took his shoes off and placed them next to the sneakers Jude had just taken off. He padded forward along the hardwood and stepped into the kitchen, where the floor became tile. Another wall extended to divide the room a little more, making the kitchen a perfect square. It was a clean space, with several appliances lining the counter tops. Even though Jude had told him to find a pizza menu, Connor still felt like an invader as he opened the cupboard door and pulled down a thick stack of takeout menus. He began to sort through them and was still searching for a pizza place when Jude came back in the kitchen.
"Yeah, they're a bit of a mess, aren't they?" Jude said.
"A bit," Connor agreed.
Jude pulled himself to sit on the counter. "What's that dark blue one? In the middle of the stack?"
Connor pulled it free and there was a brightly printed pizza menu.
"Good guess."
"Or I just pathetically know my takeout menus too well."
Connor felt a smile creep onto his face. "I wasn't going to be the one to say it."
"So, what kind of pizza do you want?" Jude leant forward but, Connor noted, he was careful not to get too close to him.
"I don't have a pizza preference."
"Well, all I get on my pizza are olives, anchovies, and pizza sauce."
Connor faced Jude, feeling his eyebrows creep toward his hairline. Jude laughed.
"You have a pizza preference now, don't you?"
"Yes. One with cheese."
Jude laughed again. Connor liked seeing him laugh; Connor liked knowing that he was the one to make him laugh.
"Well, actually, I like pizza with lots of toppings," Jude said.
"I'm okay with what you want."
"You can tell me what you like, you know. I'm listening to you."
It was so strange to Connor to hear Jude say that. In his head, he knew that he was allowed to have an opinion. When he was with other people, though, he usually found himself deferring to who he was with, believing that their opinion had to be the proper opinion. The only other person he really had this kind of interaction with was Adam and Adam usually took at face value that Connor didn't have an opinion – or he didn't want to push Connor by insisting Connor make a choice.
"I don't really like, um, beef on my pizza."
"Sure. So, if we do a works without the ground beef, does that work for you?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Do we want to get a drink?" Jude asked. "I'm in a root beer mood."
"That sounds good."
Jude smiled. "All right. I'll call. Feel free to sit on the couch or something. Don't feel like you have to stand in my kitchen."
Connor padded over to the dark brown couch and took a seat on the end that was furthest away from the kitchen. It was comfortable, if a little worn. There was a low coffee table in front of the couch, which had an old laptop sitting on the very edge along with a half-finished water bottle. Under both the couch and the table, there was a dark blue rug. Connor wasn't sure what to do with himself as Jude called in the pizza and gave the delivery driver his address. The call didn't take long, though, and Jude flopped down onto the other side of the couch, leaving the middle space fairly unoccupied.
"Should be here in about fifteen. Which is good, because I'm hungry."
"That's not good …"
"One thing I'll say about being with Taylor, though, is that she's such a good cook. I can kind of cook but usually I'm too lazy to do much more than make a sandwich."
"Cooking is …" Connor stopped, then recollected his thoughts. "It's something that makes sense to me. There's no guess work when you're following a recipe."
"Maybe I should hire you as my personal chef, then," Jude joked. "If you're good at it."
"Sometimes, I like to think so."
"If you ever decide you want a job, let me know first, okay?"
"Okay," Connor agreed.
He smiled, feeling the warmth of a moment of happiness overtake him. He had a friend to share jokes with. Spending time with Jude wasn't tense and demanding. Connor didn't feel like he had to be on his toes, desperate to get it right. The simplicity of Jude was intoxicating.
"Let's see if we can pick a movie. Usually it takes me forever to decide upon something. Are you in the mood for anything?"
"W-what about something funny?"
"Comedies are always good. I like the way you think."
There was so much in the simple statement that made Connor happy. Jude liked the way he thought. The way he thought was enough for Jude.
"Stop me if you see anything you like," Jude said, picking up his remote and bringing up movies on his T.V. screen.
Connor sat quietly, not saying a word, even as Jude flipped his way through the movies. They eventually looped back around to the beginning of the comedies section. Connor didn't have to turn his head to know that Jude was looking at him.
"What about stand-up comedy?" Jude asked. "There's usually a few good stand-up comedians to watch."
"Okay."
Connor leant against the arm of the couch. He could feel a certain kind of awkwardness creeping in. He wondered if Jude was getting tired of him yet. He wondered if Jude was regretting asking him over.
"What do you think of John Mulaney?" Jude asked, pausing at a comedy special. "Taylor really likes him."
"We can try it."
Connor could still feel Jude looking at him.
"Are you okay, Connor?"
"Yeah. I just feel … weird."
"Good weird or bad weird?" Jude asked.
"I'm not sure. I don't think it's bad."
"So long as we have that."
Jude was smiling at him again. Connor knew that smiles couldn't always be trusted. He wanted to believe in Jude's.
There was a knock at the door and Connor stood up. Jude watched as Connor slowly crossed the room to pay for the pizza, and then Jude realized that he should probably grab plates. He hated cleaning, though he also hated living in filth, and so if he could keep crumbs off his floor, he'd certainly do so. He got plates and glasses while Connor paid, half-listening to the slow conversation that he was having with the delivery man. Connor kept his words short and to the point, speaking in a voice so quiet that Jude missed most of what he said.
When Jude turned around to go back to the couch, he saw the large gap that existed between Connor and the other man. Jude's heart tugged. He understood pain and he understood abuse, but he didn't understand what Connor's brokenness was. He sat down on the couch, placing the plates and glasses at opposite ends. Jude made sure to school his features into a neutral mask for when Connor turned around, the pizza and root beer in his hands.
He put it carefully down on the table and Jude reached for the root beer immediately, pouring himself a glass, then he reached for Connor's.
"Thank you."
"Now, let's eat!"
Connor smiled, although whether it was at Jude's enthusiasm or at some thought that Jude wasn't privy to, Jude couldn't say. Connor flipped open the pizza box while Jude pressed play on the remote. While the TV slowly loaded the comedy special, Jude reached for a pizza slice with one hand and his root beer with the other. Instead of grabbing pizza, though, his fingers brushed along the back of Connor's hand. His skin was smooth and soft for the half-second that Jude touched it, and then Connor pulled away quickly. Jude realized that it was the first time that he'd actually touched Connor's skin.
"I'm sorry. I should've been paying more attention."
"No, no, it was my fault. I shouldn't have been in your way. I …" Connor's voice petered out, almost as if he'd been expecting to be cut off.
"Your pizza, you were there first. It's okay, Connor. Go ahead."
Connor glanced at the pizza and then back at Jude. "I really … I can't. Please. Just take the first slice."
Jude didn't want to push his new friend. He could recognize that Connor's limits were being pushed just by being here and he didn't want to make Connor upset. He wanted Connor to feel comfortable with him, if only because Jude was a little selfish in wanting to spend more time with the other boy. He took the first slice and put it on his plate. Connor then reached forward, his hands shaking violently, and took the second slice.
"Thank you," Connor whispered.
"I want you to feel comfortable. So, thank you for telling me how to do that."
Connor didn't have a response, but Jude watched as his expression became less anxious and more relaxed. By the time they had eaten their fill of pizza and the comedy special was over, Connor was smiling again. He'd even laughed a time or two. When the end credits began, Connor turned to Jude.
"Tell Taylor she has good taste in comedians."
"Taylor thinks she has good taste in everything."
Jude tucked his legs up on the couch and faced Connor. Connor angled his body into him.
"What are you thinking?"
Connor hesitated. "You're going to laugh at me."
"I won't. I promise."
"I was thinking about how it's Sunday night and I haven't done any of Kroger's readings yet."
"We can start. It's not too late."
"I thought you weren't in a studying mood."
"Play, then work. That's my philosophy, anyway. Besides, now I've eaten. Who could focus on an empty stomach?"
"I guess I see your point."
"That's all I'm asking for. Let's hit the books."
Connor retrieved his books and his laptop and then he and Jude set up on the couch, slowly turning to more stories about the ancient Greek gods and goddesses. They read in silence, sometimes comparing notes and asking the other questions. Where Connor was meticulous in his studying, Jude was a little more chaotic about it.
"Were the ancient Greeks running out of names?" Jude asked.
"What?"
"Well, they use the same names a couple of times but not to mean the same people. Without decent context, how do you know who's who?"
"Most of the name doubles are just minor figures," Connor murmured.
"I'm just saying that it's annoying to read." Jude shrugged and snapped his book shut. "At least we're not expected to read forty thousand chapters a week for this class."
"I … I don't think that's expected for any class."
"Sometimes it feels like it." Jude sighed and stretched his arms above his head.
On the coffee table, Connor's phone began to buzz and light up. Jude could clearly read the contact name: Dad.
"Excuse me," Connor murmured and reached for it.
Jude collected their dirty plates and glasses and went into the kitchen. He'd like to say that he was a decent enough person that he wasn't purposefully eavesdropping on Connor with his father – it was just that his apartment was small and sound carried well and, really, it was human nature to listen to conversations. Truthfully, he was just so curious about Connor that he was intentionally trying to catch every word.
"Hi, Dad … No, I'm not home … I, um, Jude and I, um, decided to study at h-his apartment. We ... No, Dad. We bought pizza and watched a comedy too … Yes, Dad. Like that … Soon … Um, yeah. N-no matter when … You too, Dad … No, it's not like that. I understand why. Bye."
Even though Jude knew Connor hand hung up the phone, he still made himself look busy in and around the kitchen. From the corner of his eye, he watched Connor carefully pack up his bag and then walk slowly to the mouth of the kitchen.
"Jude?"
"Yeah?" He turned to face Connor.
"W-would it be okay if I went home now?"
It hurt Jude that Connor felt like he had to ask. It killed him to think that Connor had probably been told 'no' to that question before. He tried to make his response upbeat, but also casual, like he wasn't trying too hard to make Connor feel at ease. It was a very hard line for Jude to make logical sense of, let alone actually walk. "I told you – you're free to come and go as you please. Do you want to check the bus time or do you want me to drive you?"
"Oh, I, um. If it's not too much trouble," Connor said, staring at the floor the entire time, "I'd like a drive. I really don't like the bus."
"I don't blame you there," Jude said. "Come on, jet's go."
He grabbed his keys and shoved his feet in his well-beaten sneakers. Connor seemed in a rush to get his shoes on and be waiting by the door for when Jude seemed ready to leave. Jude waited until they were in the car to speak again.
"I hope my apartment wasn't too scary."
"Not as scary as I thought it would be," Connor admitted. His voice was one of someone lost in thought when he mused, "I think I want to find you scarier than you are."
"That's good, I guess."
Connor let out a gasp and faced Jude in the confines of the car. "Not that I find you scary! At all! Jude, you're nice and it's not like you scare me! I know being scary isn't good and I never meant to say that you're bad –"
"Connor, it's all right. I think I know what you meant. I'm not mad."
"Oh."
Jude took his eyes off the road to glance at Connor, who was sitting ramrod straight in his seat now, his eyes staring directly ahead. He laced his fingers in his lap. Jude refocused on the well-lit road ahead of him.
"I'm happy you don't think I'm a scary person," Jude added.
"I like being your friend, Jude," Connor confessed. "I'm just not … good … with … anything."
"I think you're good at being a friend."
"You barely know me."
"Then you must be a good friend if I can tell already," Jude countered. He pulled into the parking lot next to Connor's dorm. He turned to look at Connor, wanting to say something else, but he had no idea what to say.
Connor seemed equally as hesitant to get out the car. "I … I did like spending time at your apartment, Jude. Thank you for understanding."
"Friendships should be safe places."
"… Yeah," Connor agreed.
Connor touched the door handle and then pulled his hand back. The realization hit Jude instantly.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay," Connor said, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't known how to say goodbye or goodnight or how to excuse himself from the car. He wasn't trying to escape but he knew that sitting in the car for too long was a strange thing to do. "See you tomorrow."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight. Get home safely."
"I'll let you know."
Connor let himself out of the passenger side, carefully collecting his bag. He made the short trek into his dorm building. After swiping his key and getting in the front door, he turned to see Jude pull out of the parking lot. Connor couldn't move until he saw Jude's car disappear completely. He knew that if he'd turned his back and went to his room, Jude couldn't have possibly have known which room was his. Jude couldn't glean any information from Connor walking further inside of the building, but Connor's legs had locked him in place until he knew that he was alone and that he wasn't being watched as he ascended the stairs to his room. He could have taken the elevator but, heading up to the eleventh floor, he was less likely to find company if he was on the stairs. He made it to his room without seeing another person. After completing his rituals of checking all of the windows and door, he called his father.
"I'm home now, Dad."
"Safely?"
"Yes. I'm okay."
Adam anxiously demanded more details about how Connor had ended up at Jude's.
"He didn't pressure me, Dad. Not at all. I felt like I had a choice. Jude isn't … Jude is his own person. Not like … anyone else."
"I worry about you."
"I know." Connor put his phone on speaker and slowly began to put his pyjamas on. He turned his back on his phone, the creeping feeling that he didn't want to complete this conversation overtaking him.
"You've made mistakes with judgement in the past, Connor, and look at what happened to you! Look at what it did to you! You need to be careful with who you place your trust in."
Connor felt sick anger in his chest. Had he been face to face with his father, he probably would have shut down. Instead, Connor quietly said, "I don't trust you."
"Connor –"
"You're all I have. But I don't trust you." Connor closed his eyes.
"But you trust this boy Jude?"
"I trust him not to hurt me. But that's not the same as trusting someone. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I talk to you and I follow your rules and my therapist is optimistic. I'm doing all that I can do right now!"
"I recognize that."
"Do you?"
"I'm doing all I can!" Adam responded. "January, Connor, that's when you came home! I've only known you for nine months!"
"That's not my fault!"
"You ran away! You left my house! I dragged you back kicking and screaming once before and you see how well that worked out! Like hell it's my fault."
Connor felt his face start to crumble. No, keep it in. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. He tried to school his features down, knowing that emotions weren't encouraged. The only place that Connor had been allowed to feel was in the safety of his mother's arms. He didn't remember that now. The vice arms of another were too strong in his mind. Connor swallowed and choked out a reply.
"I'm home now. Goodnight, Dad."
"Goodnight, Connor. I love you."
Connor had heard that before and that voice overshadowed Adam's for a moment.
"You too," he said. "Bye."
He hung up the phone and, not even sitting on his bed, he just sat on the floor. He took deep gasping breaths, trying to shove everything down into the darkest parts of him where he could not touch it. His therapist was trying to get him to work through everything that had happened, to open it up and free it from himself, but Connor couldn't do that at all yet. He just shoved his memories down further and further, even as he was losing himself in a barrage of things that he couldn't forget, even if he tried. He had one hand grasping at his torso, knowing what was beneath the grey shirt he slept in.
His phone buzzed once on the counter and Connor almost jumped out of his skin. He knew who the text wouldn't be from – it had been years since he'd had that number – but his hands were still trembling as he focused on the screen.
Jude: made it home. Goodnight.
Connor: goodnight.
He plugged his phone into the charger and made himself go to bed. He laid there in the darkness, trembling and sick, for far too long, but he knew that he could do nothing else. He pulled his blankets tightly around himself and told himself to just go to sleep. It would all be brighter in the morning. He didn't believe the lie. He'd told it to himself many times before and it always got darker.
The chapter's title is after the song Locked Out by Megan & Liz. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~