Dad: can you call me? Please?
Connor: I'm going to class
Dad: I'm really sorry for last night. I didn't mean to be so angry. Or imply that any part of what happened to you was your fault.
Connor: thanks
Dad: it wasn't your fault
Connor: you were right. I left your house. I stayed where I was and didn't do anything. It's not your fault that you don't know me
Dad: yes it is
Dad: but I don't want this to be a text conversation. Can you please call me when your classes are over today?
Connor: okay
Dad: have a good day
Connor: you too
Connor put his phone in his bag just as Jude dropped into the seat next to him. Jude took one glance at him and asked if he was all right, which Connor had to do a double take at. He didn't think of himself as a person that was easy to read.
"I … I'm fine."
"You look a little down."
"I don't really want talk about it."
"Sure …" Jude was still staring at him. "You know, there's this place I'd like to show you on campus when class is over."
"All right." Connor tried to put enthusiasm in his voice. He wanted to be happy for Jude. He wanted to be the type of person that Jude was, because hanging out with someone like Jude was easy and enjoyable. Connor couldn't see how hanging out with someone like him was anything but draining.
"If we're having lunch today."
"Yes," Connor said quickly. "Yes."
"Good morning!" Kroger called loudly from the front.
Connor looked down at his notebook, happy to have something to lose himself in, even if it was for only about an hour. Taking notes and listening to the lives of people that weren't him was what he needed right now. The movement of his pen kept him focused on the academic world. After two pages of notes, Connor was disappointed when Kroger called the class to a close and wished them a happy rest of their Monday. Connor slowly packed up his notebook and Jude waited patiently.
"I'm sorry. I don't really feel like talking today."
"Do you want to be alone?" Jude asked. "Or do you want me to just talk to you?"
"You wouldn't mind?"
"Not at all! Like I said, there's somewhere that I'd like to show you."
"All right. Let's go."
Connor wondered if Jude could find anything to talk about as they walked across campus. After all, they'd spent a lot of yesterday together. And Jude did a lot of talking anyway. Connor wondered if he'd run out of words. Jude didn't. Instead, he told a story about accidentally finding the place they were going to in his first year and how it had become his study spot because it was very out of the way for most students and so it didn't often get very busy. He managed to tell Connor all of this without giving away where they were actually going. Jude casually led him to a building that was definitely one of the older ones on campus and then they took the stairs down to the basement. Connor would have been nervous, then, if, when they reached the bottom of the stairs, the basement didn't immediately open into a homey café.
"They have the best cookies here. And what's better than a cookie when you're feeling upset?"
Connor honestly had a moment where he felt so overwhelmed by the basic show of decency that Jude had. Jude was compassionate and understanding. There was a lump in Connor's throat as Jude told him to pick any type of cookie that he wanted; this time, it was Jude's treat.
"I'm sure there'll be a time when you repay the favour."
"Chocolate chip, please."
"Why don't you grab a table?" Jude suggested. "I know I said this place was out of the way but it's not a secret and around lunch it can get kind of busy."
Connor hunted out a couple of comfortable chairs with a table between them. He took his lunch out of his bag but he didn't start eating. He waited for Jude to come over. When he did, he was carrying two plates which, in Connor's opinion, looked much too big to hold one cookie each. Jude sat them down on the table and then took his seat. Since Jude was here, Connor didn't feel guilty about taking the lid off of his salad.
"Ah, ah," he said. "Sad day rules."
"S-sad day rules?"
"And a plus side to these cookies begin nearly the size of your face." Jude took his seat and brandished a plastic knife. "Do you mind?"
"Uh. No?"
Jude carefully both of their cookies in half. "One half before actual lunch and one half after. How sad can you really be if you eat dessert first?"
"Does it actually work?"
"Only one way to find out," Jude said. "I just thought of it when I was in line."
"I thought you said it was a rule."
"Rules start somewhere."
Jude lifted half of his cookie and tilted it toward Connor. Connor picked up his half of the cookie and they clicked the edges together, as if they were toasting with glasses. He gently bit into the softness of the cookie and the taste made him feel a bit better. He saw Jude smirk.
"See? It's the perfect thing for a bad day."
"Thank you for bringing me here."
"It's actually bribery. I was going to bring you here no matter what. These cookies always put people in a good mood."
Connor stared. He couldn't tell if Jude were serious or not. It was as if Jude could read it on his face.
"There is something I wanted to bring up to you. And give you time to decide."
Connor put down the cookie.
"Not a bad thing! There's a small theatre close to campus and on Saturday night they're doing, like, a seventies movie night. I just wanted to know if you'd like to go. You know, hang out with me a bit more."
"Why?"
"'Cause I like spending time with you."
"W-why not invite someone else?"
"Because while there's plenty of people around here that I like, there's no one that I really hang out with outside of work or whatever. I like spending time with you. If you like spending time with me."
"Oh. Yeah. Um …"
"It's not until Saturday night. So you've time to think about it, anyway," Jude said. "I think they're showing three movies, but I know that's a long time to just sit so we can leave after movie one or two or whatever works for us."
"I'll think about," Connor decided.
"That's all I'm asking."
Connor finished off his first half of the cookie and moved on to his sandwich. Jude chewed and simultaneously talked about how Kroger's lecture was actually better due to reading the book ahead of time.
"Not that I'm going to pick up the habit," Jude said. "I can procrastinate on my other classes."
Jude chattered on happily about one of his psychology classes and Connor was more than happy to just listen. He brought up Taylor and said that, over text, she had seemed more subdued than she usually was and he was beginning to worry about her.
"If she doesn't start acting like herself soon, I'll have to text Daria and see if there's something she's not telling me. I know she won't like us talking behind her back but if she won't tell me …" Jude stopped and shrugged. "We should probably head for class now. It's a further walk from here."
Connor agreed and they collected their garbage. Once they were outside and walking, Connor said, "I'm sure she'll be all right."
"Me too. I'd just rather help her, if I can."
Jude was sweet like that. They said goodbye in front of Connor's next class with the promise of lunch on Wednesday. Connor spent the rest of the day dedicated to his notes, not looking forward to when he finished classes. He didn't want to talk to his father. He didn't want to talk about the things that he knew his father would insist on talking about. But Connor would let him talk. Connor would let the discussion happen. He knew better than to say no. He knew better than to try to take some semblance of control. Before Connor knew it, he was standing in his dorm room again. He tried to procrastinate on telling his father that he was home, but he only got as far as flipping out his desk and making a cup of coffee before his brain wouldn't let him do anything else. There was a very loud voice in his head insisting that his father knew what time he got back from class and that his father would be angry that Connor hadn't told him the moment he arrived home.
Connor: I'm home
Dad: Can we Skype now? I'd like to talk to you as face to face as possible.
Connor: whenever you're ready.
In moments, his laptop was ringing at him. Connor answered the call and then he cupped his hands around his warm coffee mug, needing to hold onto something. He stared at his father, though. Adam looked a professional businessman – he was in a black suit with a plain tie; his dark hair, though streaked with grey, was perfectly in place; and his bit of facial hair was well-groomed. The image would have been perfect, were it not for the expression on his face. Connor wondered if his father had ever shown such emotion in the office.
"How was your day?" Adam asked.
"It was … the same. What about you?"
"I've been thinking about you, Connor."
Connor took a careful sip of his coffee. He knew it was rude to not to answer, but he couldn't think of anything halfway intelligent to say.
"I feel terrible."
"No, you don't need to," Connor quickly assured him. "I'm sorry, you're right. It's my fault. I didn't have to do what I did or be who I was. I could have been different."
"You don't need to be different. You never needed to be different. The fault was mine and always has been. If I had understood you … If I had tried … Then you and Le –"
"Don't say it," Connor pleaded. "I don't want to hear it."
"I'm sorry, I should've realized. Thinking it hurts me too. Thinking of what you went through for five years. If I had been a father to you, then none of it would have happened. I wish you still had your mother."
"Me too," Connor admitted. "But you aren't the worst father ever."
"I will always be sorry for not accepting you when you first came out. I'll always be sorry for rejecting you. I had this idea in my head of who you should be and that was unfair to you. That's not how a parent should think. I practically pushed you out the door and into that life. And then I just let you go. And if I hadn't decided to look for you, if I hadn't gone to see you in December …"
Adam's voice stopped abruptly, and Connor studied his father's expression. He had only ever seen Adam cry once and though he looked agonized now, Connor didn't see any tears reflected in his eyes. Connor was glad for that. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if Adam cried.
"If you hadn't come to see me in December then I wouldn't be sitting here."
"You wouldn't have been in the hospital room either," Adam said.
"I might be actually dead by now," Connor replied. "The hospital room was a lot better than where I was before. Even with the … the … everything."
He ghosted his hand along his abdomen, though it was out of frame and Adam couldn't see it.
"I know you don't like talking about this with me and I hope things are going better with your therapist." Adam paused, but it took Connor a moment to pick up on the cue.
"Oh, oh, yeah. She says that I'm doing really well. That, um, there's some stuff that I keep too inside but that she's happy with my progress."
"I'm happy to hear that too. I know you probably don't want to talk about this kind of thing with me but I want you to know that I'm here to listen to you now. I'm going to do better than I did."
"I know. You've said."
"But you don't trust me?" Adam asked flatly.
"I don't think I really trust anyone. It's not because you're you. I know that if I need you then you'll be there now. It's just bringing myself to rely on that."
"It was a long five years apart," Adam agreed. "We've got a long time ahead of us to figure it out, though."
Connor nodded. "Do you feel better now?"
Adam sighed. "This wasn't a conversation to make me feel better."
"Then what was it?"
Adam seemed at a loss to explain. He stared at Connor for a moment and then he said, "Can we talk about Jude for a moment?"
Connor felt a flare of annoyance that Adam wasn't going to try to explain what the conversation was supposed to be to him. He hated not understanding something. When he understood the world, when people told him what things meant and what they expected of him, it was easier to navigate. When he knew what people wanted to hear, it was easier to tell them just that. It made the world a lot more tolerable to navigate. He hated the feeling of not being told. Being confused and on edge had been his way of life for so long that now those feelings made him physically sick. But he didn't push the issue. He couldn't. Adam had made it clear that it was time to move on and that was a rule that Connor could follow.
"We can talk about whatever you want."
"I just worry that you're feeling vulnerable and that he's taking advantage of it, whether or not he's doing it on purpose is something else entirely. I don't want to see this … friendship … move too quickly."
"I don't … understand," Connor said.
"What part?"
"It's only a friendship. And … and … if I were different, if I weren't me, then you wouldn't say that, would you? I met a friend. We study together. We watched a movie at his apartment once. I've known him for nearly three weeks now."
"You're not someone else," Adam pointed out. "You're you. And I have to worry about you because of that."
"I'm sorry to make you worry. I don't mean to. I'm sorry."
"Oh, Connor, it's all right. I'm your father and I'm finally doing that job. I'd just like to stay updated on your life. I know that not staying here was the best choice for you and I know you say you're doing well there. I want that for you. I just want to be a part of your life now that you have the chance to have a real life again."
"We talk every day. Do you want more than that? I can do more and be better and –"
"No, Connor, no. You're doing just fine with the way that things are. I just want to make sure you're actually talking to me."
"I'm telling you as much as I'm able."
"That's all I ask. I have some more work to do, if there's nothing else you want to talk about."
"No. Oh, maybe."
Adam paused. He readjusted himself in his large desk chair and waited for Connor to continue.
"Jude asked me to go to the movies on Saturday."
"Like a date?" Adam asked.
Connor was quickly shaking his head. "No. Just as friends."
"Are you asking my permission?"
Connor's breath caught. He hadn't thought of that. "Do I need to?"
"No, of course not. You're an adult. Even if you weren't, I forfeited my right to police you when you were fifteen. I'm just here to give you advice when you want it and help you in the right direction. I want us to be able to be friends."
"It would be all right to go to the movies with him, wouldn't it, Dad? You said I was vulnerable. You said that this friendship might be moving too fast. I don't want to make more mistakes. I'm scared."
"You're smart. You know what's right and you know what you're doing. If Jude is your friend and someone you're able to trust, even a little, then it's not wrong to spend time with him. I'd like you to make more than one friend, but I know that's not exactly in your control. I think it's good that he's getting you out of your room. You spend too much time alone."
"I'm still enjoying being alone," Connor said. "And learning to be okay with being alone."
"You know what's best for you. Maybe talk it over with Dr. Scott on Thursday if you're still unsure."
Connor nodded. "Thanks. I'll let you get back to work now."
"Bye, Connor. I love you."
"You too, Dad."
Connor hung up the Skype call. He stared blankly at his generic desktop photo and then did his best to push everything out of his mind. He had homework to do.
The chapter's title is after the song Falling In love In A Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~