A/N: Not a happy chapter.

Chapter 8

Nightmares

Bella's POV

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I'd spent it in overwhelming panic, with the horrifying reality of it slowly sinking in. I called Nummi, desperately hoping she'd somehow tell me a different story—that it was all a mistake, and Kel was fine, but she didn't. Her wretched, heart-broken voice only cemented it further into truth. I cried all night—with Jake, as sweet as he was, beside me—pleading for it not to be happening, but by morning I was numb, and I could no longer deny it.

Emotionally, I was numb, but physically I felt like I was suffocating.

Billy stayed home from work to keep an eye on me, popping his head around the corner of my bedroom door every so often to check in on me. I pretended to be asleep, but when he withdrew and shut the door again, my eyes welled with inevitable tears. Billy had treated me as though I was his own daughter from the moment I'd stepped off the plane at Port Angeles. It touched me so poignantly, and more so now when I needed a parent with every part of my soul.

It was decided on my behalf by Uncle Billy, my father, Rach and Nummi—even their parents—that I wouldn't come back to Australia. Just yet, that is. But even as I was sick with fear over Kel, the very real prospect of going back home had filled me with a debilitating panic. Not because I feared Kel would die, but because I feared seeing Renee, and facing that part of my life again.

At around one pm, I dragged myself down stairs. Billy was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper when I came into the room.

He looked over at me and flashed me a warm, sympathetic smile. "How are you feeling, Bella?"

I shrugged despondently. "I'm fine, I guess."

I was beginning to be plagued by a voice deep within me that told me I needed to go back home—I needed to get to Kel's side.

I let out my breath miserably.

Billy only smiled, his eyes glistening sadly. "Try and be positive, okay?" he replied after a reflective pause.

I nodded numbly. "Any news?"

"Oh, yes. One of your friends ... Naomi?" he paused, raising his eyebrows with uncertainty. I smiled slightly and nodded, and he cleared his throat before continuing. "She called about an hour ago to say that Kellie was still having tests done and that she was still ... hanging on."

I only nodded again, as my heart skipped nervously, suspecting he wanted to use another word for Kel's condition; one that wasn't so sugar coated.

I sat down at the table next to him and exhaled into a long, wavering sigh that was entwined with disbelief. "I can't believe this is happening," I whispered.

Billy put his hand on my shoulder, consolingly. "I'm sorry, Bella. But don't give up hope yet, okay?"

Nodding for the third time, I didn't reply. What was there to say?

Billy insisted on making me breakfast, which only made me more nauseous, before I trudged back upstairs. I had a shower and spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding his overly concerned parental vigil by hiding out in my bedroom and pretending to sleep.

But alone in my room my thoughts only drifted inevitably to Kel, increasing the tsunami of fear and pain—and the guilt. Guilt because I should have been with her. Despite what everyone thought was best for me, I should have been sitting on a plane this very minute on my way back to Australia. I needed to overcome my anxiety over Renee, but I knew pathetically I never would.

Nummi called around three o'clock, and as soon as I heard her voice I burst into tears. Kel was still the same. She was hanging on, and it gave me more reason to feel optimistic. She was tough; she'd get through this.

She had to.

"Nummi, I want to come, really I do—so much..." I paused, unable to finish the sentence. I couldn't find the right words to explain it to her so she'd understand, because there wasn't any.

"Bells, you don't need to be here—so please don't do this to yourself," Nummi said quietly, her tone gentle but firm.

It didn't make me feel any better. "Are you sure you're not mad at me?" I asked timidly.

"Of course I'm not mad at you!" I could picture her rolling her eyes and my heart ached. I missed them so much, and didn't realise how the absence of them had left a huge void in my life.

For the rest of the day, I decided to cling to optimism. Kel might have been in a coma, but she was still alive. I needed hope; it was the only way I could breathe. But the guilt was something else altogether; it was shredding me, and I wasn't able to overcome it.

I found myself longing for Jacob, for his company; for the distraction of him and Nessie; and to be reminded why I had to keep Edward out of my thoughts. They arrived home right as expected, and true to spirit for both of them, they came straight into my room and wrapped their arms around me, simultaneously.

It threatened to inundate me with fresh tears, but determined to stay optimistic, I held them off.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry! Is there any news?" Nessie asked gently.

Shaking my head, I replied, barely managing an audible sound, "No, she's still the same."

"But that's good news then?" Nessie replied, raising her brows, her smile remaining gentle.

I nodded, and she fully released me.

I looked over to Jake. He looked exhausted. Like me he hadn't slept a wink, but he still insisted on going to school, even when Uncle Billy had ordered him to bed.

"Oh, Jake, you look buggered!" I exclaimed, feeling terrible.

His bloodshot eyes crinkled in tender amusement. "I'm fine, Bells."

"Yeah, we were going to go to the movies tonight, but I think we might postpone," Nessie said looking at Jake with genuine affection.

Jake turned to her and they shared one of their sloppy, loving gazes.

I only grinned wryly to myself, overwhelmingly grateful for a moment of reprieve.

When Nessie was able to tear her eyes from Jake, she turned back to me, her face suddenly lighting up. "We should all go in a few days, Bells, and Mike said he mentioned it to you already?"

I nodded, forcing myself into half-heartedness, at best, wanting to groan.

"Please consider it, and maybe it will help you get your mind off things," Nessie suggested with sudden enthusiasm, smiling with what I'm sure she thought was the prospect of a riveting night out.

I nodded again, attempting a second smile in return. I didn't really want to give Mike any encouragement, but I was too distracted to really focus on it. "Sure, thanks, Nessie."

Nessie's smile broadened with satisfaction. "Great, Bella. I don't know if I should be telling you this, but I think Mike has a bit of a crush on you."

This time I did groan, barely under my breath, as a surge of added frustration threatened to make it audible.

Nessie quickly added, becoming suddenly uncertain, "It's okay. I think he knows the thing with ... Edward..."

I glanced up at her in surprise, my face immediately flushing. "What thing with Edward?"

I hadn't realised anyone was aware of what was going on with Edward and me, but of course, everyone knew. I felt like cringing. The whole school had definitely heard what he'd told Jake he'd planned on doing with me.

Nessie exchanged a glance with Jake that I didn't quite understand, before turning back to me. "Well, we ... kind of thought you were—"

"There's nothing going on with me and Edward—nothing!" I interjected, insistent.

I'd barely spoken a word to him in a month.

Nessie nodded quickly. "I'm sorry, Bella, we just … " she allowed her voice to trail off, which gave me the impression that she was speaking with hidden innuendos.

I shook my head and cleared my throat softly with quiet resolve. "It's okay, but believe me there's nothing going on between us."

This time when Nessie turned to glance at Jake, I understood the meaning behind their shared look completely.

Scepticism.

I broke her gaze, barely concealing my frustration. I wanted to yell, this is not about Edward! Instead, I took another deliberate breath and allowed myself to calm. "Did you guys tell anyone at school today … a-about what happened?"

They shook their heads simultaneously, and I released my breath in relief. The last thing I wanted to do was answer questions, or explain myself; explain my life—or anything that would lead to Renee.

Alice called me before bed and again her concern threatened to bring me undone. I told her I was feeling unwell, but would be back the next day. I felt guilty lying to her, but I knew she'd be completely wonderful, and I shuddered at the prospect of having her know any more sordid details of my life before Forks.

I decided to keep it to myself—at least until I knew for certain what was happening with Kel.

I slept terribly again. My mind was overflowing, and I was unable to switch it off and fall into a deep sleep; though, the sleep I did manage to get was interrupted by dark, disturbing dreams.

By morning, I looked and felt a complete mess.

I trudged downstairs to a rather rejuvenated Jake, who grinned at me widely before his face instantly fell with concern. "Whoa, Bells! You should stay home again today. You don't look so good."

What I wanted to do was crawl back in bed and go to sleep for the next ten years, but since that wasn't going to happen, I was better off at school. Besides, I wasn't too keen on spending another day alone with nothing but my thoughts.

I shook my head lightly in reply; it was heavy and sluggish. "I'm fine, Jake. The distraction today will do me good. Plus I don't want to hang around all day waiting for news, you know?"

Jake nodded in agreement. "No news is good news, huh?" his voice was tender for a moment.

I smiled at him warmly, before clearing my throat behind a sudden swelling of emotion. I had to hold it together; I had to hold on to hope.

. . .

Alice's face was a perfect mask of concern when she caught up with me before first period. "Oh my goodness! Bella, you should have stayed home again."

"No, I'm fine," I replied with a hoarse voice, smiling at her to emphasise it, but she only flashed me a dubious look.

I walked from class to class struggling with the turmoil of it and becoming more and more panicked. I don't know how I expected I could keep it from my thoughts. It was always at the front of my mind; a terrible reality that threatened to crush me. All it did was draw more attention to me. Alice's focus was never far from me.

And so was Edward's.

No longer was I scowling at him from the other side of the halls, and when my eyes met his as we passed, his concern was as blatant as Alice's.

"Bella?" Alice whispered to me during English.

I turned to her; her eyes were searching mine. I looked away quickly. Her gaze was cracking my resolve the longer I held it.

"Yeah?" I answered softly after a moment.

"What happened? I know something's going on. You can tell me, you know that, huh?" The timbre of her voice was so gentle that it tore at my heart.

I only nodded, but didn't offer a reply. Instead, I inhaled back the tears that were threatening and turned away.

She released her breath but didn't say another word.

It was so hard to focus with the level of anguish that faced me, and I started questioning why I was hiding it from her. But I quickly reminded myself that Alice would then expect me to return to Australia; what was I supposed to say to her then? That the very idea of the abusive, alcoholic mother I left behind, placed more fear in my heart than the prospect of losing my closest friend? I would have to explain Renee, I would be forced to have people know about her.

I remained quiet, holding desperately to the hope that Kel would be fine, and I'd never have to face the reality of losing her or returning home.

I wasn't ready to face it, but if it came to it—I just needed time to process it.

Alice was never close to being convinced, so after the first several times, I stopped worrying whether she believed me or not.

...

I seriously considered skipping Biology. Edward's up and down behaviour was just the thing that could push me over the edge. But when I took my chair beside him, he quite openly stared at me, and continued to until I turned to him in exasperation.

"What are you staring at, Edward?" I demanded, feeling my face burn.

He was flustered for a moment, before he replied, his voice soft, "You … you don't look very well, Bella. Are you all right?"

I closed my eyes feeling myself physically waver before I snapped them open, instantly annoyed at myself. "I was sick yesterday, I'm fine now," I replied flatly, looking away from him quickly. I didn't want to look at him and succumb to that bloody pull he evoked in me.

I heard him exhale deliberately through his nose, and knew he was bloody smiling at me. It irritated me—and more so because a large part of me wasn't. If that even made sense.

But then Edward and I didn't make sense.

"You don't look fine, Bella." His tone was tender—amused.

Nothing about this was amusing!

I turned to him squarely. "Why are you even talking to me, Edward? I thought you were pretending I didn't exist again these days."

Again, he paused, his mouth parting slightly, looking jarred. I waited, my eyebrows raised in irritation. I felt like a bloody yo-yo; up, down, up, down, over and over!

"A-Alice told me I should give you a bit of time, Bella. I didn't realise I was being rude. I was just giving you space." Behind the intensity of his gaze, his eyes were serious, and this time it was me who was lost for words.

That was the reason why he was acting the way he had been?

Before I could stop them, my eyes welled with tears. I hastily turned my head, facing away from him and impatiently wiped them away.

"What were you giving me space from, Edward?" I asked, after I was certain I was in control of myself.

When there was no answer, I turned my head to peek at him. His cheeks were flushed and he was opening and closing his mouth evidently lost for words.

And despite myself—despite the horrifying events of the past two days—a small smile twitched at my lips.

His eyes darted to mine. He caught my smile and returned it—tenfold—all askew, and charming; and arrogant; and cocky!

And I was suddenly angry, and as it came through my expression, his smile faded.

"Can you please just leave me the fuck alone!" I burst, barely a whisper, barely in control of my emotions, and sounding wholly like my mother.

I whipped my head back to the front of the class, pressing my lips together, and bunching my forehead heavily to stop the tears, but still, Edward kept his gaze on me for the entire lesson. It was becoming tangible, and trying to fight it, on top of what was happening with Kel, was exhausting.

I had to keep my thought process simple. Ignore Edward, don't think of Renee, and try and get through another day.

Of Kel surviving.

I escaped Bio before Edward could catch up to me, and headed to sixth period, grateful for the chill of the wind as it momentarily soothed the ache in my chest. When I reached the gym, I yanked open the double doors and stepped inside.

Coach Clapp took one look at me and sent me to the nurse. I willingly went; it kept me away from Alice's constant scrutiny. I felt terrible that I had to avoid her, but this denial I was in was the only way I was able to deal with what was happening. If Kel died, I would have to go back to Australia. If I went back to Australia I would have to face Kel dying—and my mother.

There was no way around it.

Billy gave Mrs Cope permission for me to come home from school early again, and as I pulled into the driveway at home, he was already waiting for me.

I hopped out of the Jeep and smiled at him shamefully.

He sighed, put his hands on his hips, bowing his head for a moment, shaking it. "How much sleep did you get last night, Bella?"

Shrugging sheepishly, I confessed, "A little bit."

"Why didn't you just stay at home again and get some rest," he asked putting his hand on my back and ushering me inside out of the cold.

"I'd rather be at school. It's distracting," I mumbled a reply without meeting his eyes.

He pulled my coat from my shoulders and hung it up. But I barely moved; my attention had caught the sight of the answering machine, flashing with a single message. Billy surveyed my hesitation, before walking over and hitting play, giving me an encouraging smile as he did.

It was Rach.

Again, there was no change with Kel. I sighed deeply out of relief, before a nagging anxiety set in over why she wasn't improving. I knew the longer she didn't improve, the less her chances were of coming out of it. It was going to make it harder for me to convince myself that she was going to be fine, and even harder to continue to pretend I was.

I stood there staring at the machine in quiet consternation, chewing my fingernails, when Billy placed a hand on my shoulder. "Try not to worry so much, Bella. She isn't getting worse. It may take a while before she recovers fully."

I nodded and expelled my breath. He was right; I was thinking ahead of myself.

He had to be right...

I headed for the stairs deciding I definitely needed to buy a mobile phone and enter the twenty-first century. I needed to be able to reach Rach and Nummi—not to mention Billy. I didn't want him missing any more work on my account any more. I didn't want to disrupt his life—I didn't want to be any more of an inconvenience.

I trudged upstairs, the ache in my chest swelling and ebbing like a wave.

Hope.

Fear.

Hope.

Fear...

...

The next day Alice's new plan where I was concerned was to cheer me up. As much as I appreciated it, it was always doomed to fail. All my energy went into my denial, staving off the pessimism, and keeping myself from crumbling beneath the fear; I didn't have a spare scrap of emotion for anything else.

Edward too seemed to be everywhere I looked; gazing at me with so much intensity that my whole train of thought vanished the moment our eyes caught. He made me question what I thought I knew—what I thought I felt. It only made me angry and frustrated with myself, then relieved that in focusing on him, it took my focus off Kel.

I was falling apart.

"You seem to be happier today," Alice commented during lunch.

I nodded and shrugged. "I'm okay, Alice. Really. I'm just a bit—a bit tired," I stammered, feeling so rotten for continuously lying to her. But, it was only half a lie this time; I still wasn't sleeping.

"Bella, are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" she asked gently.

I sighed. She was so persistent.

I didn't want to have to keep telling her how fine I was; I didn't want to have to keep lying to her, but I wasn't ready yet, and time was running out.

"Bella?" she asked when I didn't answer, breaking into my thoughts.

I snapped my head up and looked over to her. "Sorry, Alice, what were you saying?"

She smiled at me and sighed softly. "Never mind."

I returned her smile, apologetically. "Sorry, Alice I..." I left the sentence unspoken.

What could I say? That despite all my efforts to convince myself otherwise, I was going near crazy with worry over my closest friend, but the idea of going back to Australia was just as equally debilitating? Not to mention the frustrating fact that her brother had some kind of power over me that I couldn't even begin to comprehend.

Tomorrow. I'd tell her about it tomorrow...

Biology was pretty much as it had been the day before; with Edward's distracting gaze constantly on me. He said hello when I sat beside him and removed his sweater not long after. He didn't ask me if I was okay, even though I was sure he wanted to several times. He tried to engage me in conversation, but I wouldn't budge. I continued to ignore him as best as I could, because I knew focusing on him, instead of Kel, made me feel better for the moment, before it only made things worse.

At the end of the day Alice walked with me to the parking lot, but she wasn't her usual, cheerful self. She was quiet and distracted, and as much as it made me feel rotten, I had to admit, I preferred it to her constant scrutiny. I was aware of how horribly I was treating her, but I was too ashamed; too ashamed of myself, my past, and my mother.

I ignored the glares Jacob and Edward shared before climbing into the Jeep, telling Jake sternly to follow me.

"Bella, we've decided to go to the movies tomorrow night. Do you still want to come?" Nessie asked, breaking the comfort of the silence I was enjoying into our trip home.

No.

"Okay, sure, Nessie. I'm sure it'll be... fun." I lied, not bothering to attempt any enthusiasm.

She and Jacob shared a cynical look that I didn't miss from my rear view mirror, but I ignored it. My only thoughts at that moment were filled with my newly formed afternoon routine; get home, check the answering machine to make sure Kel was still alive, lock myself in my room and try to distract myself, try not to think about Edward, or my mother—or my past; let the anger and fear consume me; cry in the shower; throw up; think about confiding in Alice; and fall asleep.

There was a message from Rach. She left no real details, just asking me to call her back. I grabbed the phone clumsily and dialled her number with my heart lodging in my throat. She answered it after the first ring, and the despondency in her tone had increased. I held my breath and waited for her to continue.

"Bells, she's still the same... but..." she paused.

My hand subconsciously ran up to my forehead; I grabbed a fistful of my hair as fear suddenly wrapped itself around my heart and squeezed.

"But what, Rach? Just tell me, please!" I spoke anxiously, on the verge of tears.

Jake was beside me instantly. He put his arm over my shoulder protectively, but I was barely aware of him. I was suddenly feeling very helpless and insignificant, that everything around me seemed so huge and I was drowning.

"Bella, they're saying we should expect the worst," Rach finally spoke with a numbing resignation to her tone.

"Why?" I whispered.

"The tests ... the tests aren't very positive, but her parents are still getting a second opinion. I dunno..." She sighed deeply, miserably, her voice wavering as it trailed off.

I nodded numbly, stupidly, feeling suddenly faint.

"'Kay, thanks, Rach," I mumbled, my voice devoid of emotion.

Hanging the phone up without another word, I turned to walk upstairs.

Jake reached out and caught me in his mammoth grip. "Bells, you okay? What happened?" he asked, his eyes deepening with sudden concern.

"Nothing, Jake. Let me go. I need to lie down," I replied, weakly.

I needed to lie down before I fell down. The room was beginning to spin and my knees felt like they were about to buckle beneath me.

Jake insisted on helping me up to my room. Then he and Nessie fussed over me until I was tired of insisting that I was fine and came close to chucking a hissy fit. I had no more tears to shed, so I just lay on my bed, numb with that dreadful ache shredding my heart to pieces, and never feeling so alone in my entire life.

I went downstairs at 5:30 pm to start dinner, only to discover that Billy was already home and had bought pizza.

"You hungry, Bella?" he asked me, with a warm, empathetic smile.

I wasn't. In fact, the thought of eating made me want to throw up, but I forced myself to join him and Jake, and ate a slice of pizza mechanically. I stayed and chatted for an acceptable amount of time, before retiring back upstairs, but Billy was no more convinced that I was handling it okay, than Alice was.

It was irrelevant though.

I'd had a shower and was drying my hair in my room, when there was a polite knock on my door.

"Come in, Uncle Billy," I called; my voice was flat and emotionless, despite my attempts to make it sound otherwise.

Even though he had asked me to call him just Billy, I was never able to do it. Besides, I enjoyed calling him 'Uncle Billy'. It was comforting that I could associate him as my family—now that I had family.

He came in with a cup of hot chocolate and placed it on my bedside table with an awkward grin.

"Sleep well, Bella," he said gently, planting a kiss on the top of my head before leaving again.

I took the hot chocolate and curled up with it in the old rocking chair by the window as I listened to the steady sound of the rain outside. It wasn't soothing anymore; in fact, ironically it was the complete opposite. All the Forks rain now screamed at me that I wasn't in Australia, where I needed to be; that I was far from it.

I sipped my hot chocolate slowly, with tears running down my cheeks soundlessly. Not long after, I was hit by an incredible wave of exhaustion. I crawled under the covers and slept a dreamless sleep until the alarm woke me twelve hours later.

A/N: It's not easy writing this sort of thing, to get myself into the mind of Bella and how she thinks. But if it sucks and is unconvincing, I don't mind if you tell me so.