Guilt's Call

Tomoyo sat with her legs spread in a W on her floor, an empty bottle of wine forgotten in the corner. She turned her head, searching for the glass she had put down somewhere. She lightly hiccupped. Her stomach protested and she closed her eyes. Tears trickled down her cheeks and once she realized she was crying, they couldn't be stopped. Her best friend was no longer her friend anymore. Sakura would surely hate her now, because she had made another horrible mistake. It was the alcohol and guilt that lead her to call Syaoron.

First he didn't believe her, thinking she was drunk and telling him an amusing joke. He said it was so unlike her to make up something that ridiculous, even commenting on how mischievous he knew she could be. But the call continued, and it continued, and only after three hours of crying and yelling did she realize that he had hung up on her early in the call. Perhaps they had lost connection, but now she had the phone lying on the floor nearby, next to a wine glass and wet spot on the floor.

She didn't drink red wine, it put her to sleep to easily. The white wine she had chosen though did the job and put her on the verge of senselessness. She could feel the cold chills of blacking out creeping in her body. Tears ran further down her eyes. No longer did her stomach hurt, now replaced with a hunger for more.

Could she even make a proper sentence now? She'd slur and be unlady like, her mother would be so disappointed in her. She needed to drink water, maybe eat something, or she'd be terribly sick the next day. Her body didn't want to move, it stayed glued to the floor.

The phone rang, and she reached for it. Her arms were long enough to pick the device up, but her body still refrained from moving. Mustering her strength, she pushed herself, crawling on her hands and knees to the cell. The world spun and her head swam under the alcohol's intoxication. "Dwunk... Ah'm drunk."

"Tomoyo, is this why Syaoron knows? You're drunk!" Never had Sakura yelled at Tomoyo filled with so much anger.

No, it could only be hatred. Sakura hated her now. The four words repeated in Tomoyo's mind, over and over again. For a few minutes she didn't even comprehend what Sakura was saying.

"…do such a horrible thing! I-I can't talk straight, I can't think straight, I can't see straight, I'm so mad. Syaoron and Meiling are on a plane right now and they'll—"

Tomoyo hit the end call button, imaging the horrible things that Syaoron might do to her. She had kissed Sakura in places that had only been in her dreams to kiss. Only when she slipped Sakura's pants off did it explode. The memory of Sakura screaming and telling her to leave burned into her mind. Tomoyo could vividly imagine the painful shaking that racked her body as she dressed herself and ran home.

It had been three days sense, and now everything was coming apart. Her mother was out of country on business, but she would soon be home. Tomoyo's call ensued Syaoron and even Meiling coming back to Japan. She could sober herself up by tomorrow, and demand her bodyguards keep her friends away. No, they weren't her friends anymore. They would come to one way or another, with magic even, to give her the punishment she deserved.

The fifteen year old bent over and covered her face, shoulders shaking with each sob. Surely no one would hear her crying, not now in this small time frame she had left. It all happened because of her feelings for Sakura.

Love was a terrible feeling. If not fed it festered and ate the heart away over time. And when given just a taste, through her first truly impsulve act in her life, it did not sit back satisfied and suppressed like she had hoped. No, even now she could feel the love for Sakura all those years turning into a black hatred towards herself. Anger washed through her, the alcohol and desperation bringing terrible acts to mind. It broke her more, sending her towards an edge she'd never thought she'd ever think of in her life.

The pain needed to stop, and it needed to stop now.

Heartbroken, Tomoyo stood up and walked to her desk. What could she use, what could she use to hurt herself? A letter opener, that would do, right? Picking the intricate opener up from her desk she stared at it, wondering what it would be like to end these horrible feelings? Pushed to the back of the desk, but lying out in the opening to see every day and possibly pick up to read, were piles of letters between her and Sakura.

Letters held a certain intimacy, and they grew into the habit of mailing each other. It was silly, with their cell phones and ability to see each other every day, they started to mail one another letters. The conversations were long and often discussed things Tomoyo couldn't see herself speaking of out loud. Was it these letters that allowed her feelings to grow into the monster they had become?

She walked to her bed, and stared at the letter opening. Occasionally she'd place it to her wrist, wondering if she could do it. What would her friends and family say? Would they be angry with her, or cry over her even after the terrible thing she did. There would be no more happiness in her life ever again. Was there a point in continuing to live?

Her head swam and she fell, her thin body bouncing a little on the mattress before resting in place. The letter opener fell to the floor, and all her worries were washed away into drunken nightmares.

Not sure if y'all realizd this or not, but I ain't pre-reading stuff. It's all raw one hundred percent first draft. I'd like to know what you think so far.