Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters. And I do not intent to gain any kind of retribution for this work of fanfiction.
Summary: Inuyasha overhears Kagome saying she is tired and will go away and take their children with her. Now, he has to think of a plan to remind her of reasons to stay.
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The "L" word
The only sound he could hear was the crazy pace of his own heart throbbing in his ears. He could almost feel the floor moving beneath him.
Over the white noise that seemed to engulf everything around him, Inuyasha could only hear Kagome's words repeating over and over. She had been talking on the phone when he came out of the shower, and in the time, that took him to dry himself and come out of the bathroom he had clearly heard her say "I can't do this anymore! This is too much. I should have run away from it a long time ago. I can't live like this anymore... I'm going to take my child-" she made a little pause before making an agreement noise "Exactly! that's what I'm talking about-" her words had ended abruptly when her eyes found him and with a "I'll call you later!" she ended the call and turned to him as if she had not been talking about running away.
He had tried to go on like he had not heard her as she happily talked about her day and what she had done with the kids before he had come home. She didn't seem to notice how shaken up he felt because she went on with her nightly routine.
He was thankful the kids were already asleep, because smiling naturally to their children would have been something impossible for him that night.
Inuyasha checked the doors and windows as he did every night, taking the time to check on his sons, who were as always contorted in some kind of awkward position as they slept. The oldest, Yuuki, who had just turned five years-old had tucked his legs under himself and his butt was sticking up. It was one of his favorite positions to sleep, that hadn't lost through the years. The youngest, sleeping on the other bed. With the smaller frame of a toddler that was on his way to being a preschooler, he slept on his back with his legs bent and his arms almost making a circle around his head.
Inuyasha fought the need to touch them, knowing that their senses weren't sharp enough to wake up when someone opened the door, but they were ready to jolt awake when touched.
Standing at the entrance, he tried to think about what had happened. Where did it go wrong? Since when did she feel like this? What had he done to Kagome for her not even to fight him about it? What was so bad that she had just given up on them?
He stared at their sons. What did she hate so much from their lives that she just wanted to run away? Guilt started to engulf him. There were so many things that he could have done better. So many things that she deserved better.
He closed the door and walked back to their room. But his hand stopped just before touching the doorknob, finding it impossible to see her and act like everything was alright.
He went back to the living room and sat down, staring at the wall without really seeing anything. His mind kept going back to the question 'what had happened?' Inuyasha had always known Kagome was way out of his league, that they didn't fit together unless they made an effort. And now that he was being honest with himself, the one making the effort was Kagome most of the time. She was the one that put up with his bad temper. The one that made things work when he lost his job right after having Yuuki, the one that tried to make everything bearable and happy. She was the one that had the biggest load on her shoulders, all the time.
His hand was brushing his hair away from his face a little too strong and repeatedly to be soothing. A few strands had been plucked and rested between his fingers when he put his hands in front of his face and froze for a moment. With the kind of life he had given her, the fact that she had tried so hard for so long was a miracle.
But, as the selfish bastard that he was, there was no way he was going to let her go without fighting. She had married him, they had had children together and even if he fucked up two out of three occasions he would still try his hardest to make this that special third time where things went how he wanted them to go.
The question was 'how?'
His mind blanked. If he knew how to be better husband he would have started it a long time ago. His eyes were glued to the wall in front of him, where there was a cute picture of them, each holding one of their kids and smiling at the camera. The burning yet freezing sensation in his stomach only became worse when he realized that if Kagome walked away from their marriage, that meant he would be alone. It meant she would take their pups... he would lose his entire family.
Flashbacks of the weeks after his parent's funeral danced in front of him. Walking inside a deserted home where only the memories and ghosts of his loved ones lived. He swallowed the need to scream at the same time his body became rigid. And the 'NO' was screamed inside his head.
"Do you feel bad?"
Kagome's worried voice made him jump, before freezing in his place with his ears flattened on his skull. He was still stiff in his place when he felt her arms slide around his neck as she gave him a back hug and rested her cheek against his.
"You don't feel warmer than usual," she mentioned with worry in her voice.
Inuyasha didn't know what to do at that moment. It was something he was used to receiving. Her constant caresses and warm touch. The kind of attention she had always given him, and that in recent times he knew, beyond doubt, that he had never reciprocated in the way that was appropriate. In the way she deserved.
She had been always been the one that gave everything she had to make others happy, to make others feel loved. And she never asked for anything in return, she never even thought about getting something in return. But it was different when it came from a life partner, right? She was not supposed to have to ask for something in return, he was supposed to be able to appreciate it and give the same back.
Even with Kagome still touching his cheek with hers, he found himself feeling farther away than ever before. Feeling like she was there but really wasn't. The guilt started to change into something ugly when her angry words repeated inside his head. Something that he was not used to feel anymore started to burn in his gut. How much of that kind and sweet actions towards him were faked? How much of those little daily things were not coming from her heart and were aimed only to maintain a facade?
His train of thought stopped cold when her small hand cupped his cheek and softly pulled his face towards her. Her eyes were full with worry just as her voice had been, too strong to be fake. She scanned his face over and over, as she always did when there was something she didn't understand about him. When her eyes found his again, his heart skipped a beat and even if he was angry and disappointed with their situation, there was no way that he could stop his usual reactions. Being under her stare filled him with a smushy and stupidly soft emotion that existed only when she was around, and only existed because of her. And this time was not the exception.
The butterflies in his belly were not welcomed but they refused to die, and their stupid dance only intensified when she rested her forehead against his.
"What's wrong?" she whispered again.
Taking her hand and pulling it away from his face, feeling the warmth disappear and her brow knit, was the second most difficult thing he had ever done. The most difficult had been smiling to her as normally as he usually did and tell her "Just need to think about something. Everything is alright," with a voice that didn't betray his conflicted emotion.
The silence after his words was deafening in his ears as she scanned his face again, no doubt feeling something was off, but after a short nod with a tight-lipped smile, she slid her hand away from his and stroked one of his ears as she retreated.
"I'll be in bed, if you want to talk about it."
He heard her walk back to their room and close the door. Only then Inuyasha let out a sigh as his shoulders slumped. Feeling more lost now that she wasn't there.
Ideas started to bounce inside his head. He could pretend he didn't know what she was planning, just walk to their room and hold her as he always did.
He could go to their room and ask for an explanation and fight to make her understand how much she meant for him.
He could tell her how he was never going to let her leave, that he would never let go of her or the kids. That he would fight with claws and fangs for them, for his family.
His claws started to scratch his scalp nervously again before he jolted from the couch and started to walk in circles around it when the thoughts started to become crazy even in his ears. He needed to find a way to convince her that their love and family deserved to be fought for.
His golden eyes swept around the living room trying to find something that could help him in his new mission, and then he saw it. His biggest romantic gesture. It had always made him feel uncomfortable because it was not him, but it had made her so happy that she had framed his lame excuse of love proof.
It was a small yellow post-it that read "I want us to be together forever" in the middle of the paper and in the lower right corner, with even messier and smaller handwriting it said "You know I do too... I always had."
There was no way to confuse the heat that had suddenly invaded his cheeks and neck. It was lame and stupid, but above all it was so fucking half-assed that he felt even more undeserving of Kagome. Even after all these years he was still unable to say the "L" word out loud when she was awake.
If he was being completely honest with himself, he had tried to say it numerous times, but it always ended up with him saying something stupid and inappropriate, sometimes hurtful. For months after they married, every time she told him she loved him, he had tried to say it back but sentences like "I l-like... ramen!" or "I do... l-laundry!" ended up being blurted at her. Luckily, she found them funny but that didn't make him feel less stupid. After that he had stopped trying to say the word and limited himself kissing her after she said it to him, or when she stared into his eyes with her bright ones, he had managed to say, "I do, too" a couple of times.
Maybe if he tried to say it to her. If he managed to finally get the words that he had thought for years finally out of his mouth, she would find a reason to work things out.
His heart started to drum inside his chest as he walked to their room as fast as he could but being careful enough not to wake up the kids. He was going to figure out what to say in front of her, knowing that if he tried to rehearse the words he would choke up before being in her presence. The door that he had never thought noisy was now making what he thought was the loudest screech ever. He stopped, and his eyes shot to the form under the covers in his bed. Only after he convinced himself he had not woken her up, he stepped inside and slowly closed the door behind him.
Every step he took closer to the bed made his heart beat a little faster, a little stronger. When his knee touched the bed and sat on it, he realized his hands were shaking.
Inuyasha had been actively trying to keep his mind blank until that moment, just willing his body to walk to her. Deliberately keeping away from his mind the possibility of fucking things up even worse and losing her for good.
Now she was curled up on her side, towards him, with her hand tucked under her face. Slowly, he stretched his hand towards her, stopping an inch away from her shoulder to take a big deep breath that could hopefully lessen his trembles.
He must have taken too long with his hand hovering around her face, or maybe she had felt him around as she sometimes did and spooked him every time, because now she was staring at him with sleepy eyes.
"Inuyasha..."
She blinked a couple of times and stared at his face for a moment before she started to sit, with frown in her face.
"Ka-" instead of the of her name, the only thing that came out of his lips sounded like a croak.
She tilted her head to the side and a couple of locks fell from the loose bun she always put her hair in to sleep. The one that he loved to get rid of as soon as he joined her in their bed, but this time he didn't feel confident enough to pull at the scrunchy, and only stared at her hoping his face didn't tell her too much about how he felt.
Inuyasha cleared his throat and tried again. "Kagome..."
He was proud of having been able to at least utter her name, but those worried eyes of hers were not helping, so he did what was the best at this moment: he looked down avoiding her eyes. He cleared his throat, again, and tried to infuse as much strength as he could in his voice.
"K-K-Fuck! We need to talk!" he shouted, still looking down. He was able to see how Kagome gave a little jump, and he continued with a lower voice but faster pace. "I need to tell you something."
The next thing he knew, she had scooted closer and had her small hand on his jaw, trying to pull his face up. He tried resisting the pull but with a soft whispered "...please," he was soft putty in her hands, and now he was staring at her worried and increasingly scared eyes.
"Inuyasha... what's wrong?"
Instead of answering he made a negative sound in his throat, and she tried again.
"Is something wrong at work?"
Before he had time to answer, she was speaking again.
"Is that Jakotsu saying shit about you again? Is he harassing you again? Tell me if something is happening at work! If there is some-"
She had started to become angry and instinctively, he responded to it.
"He is not doing anything to me, you stupid woman!"
Kagome arched a brow and narrowed her eyes. "Who are you calling stupid, dogboy?"
"You!" as soon as that word left his lips he knew he had fucked up.
Now Kagome was glaring at him, and even if that kind of stare made him feel slightly less nervous and words came to him easier, it was not the kind of mood he wanted to set before saying his piece.
And certainly, it didn't help to show Kagome why he was a good life partner.
"Inuyasha..." she said with that calm, slow tone she used right before she told him to fuck off with nicer words.
Now he didn't know how to defuse the situation. She was the one in charge of fixing the things he messed up! How was he supposed to make things right without blurting something stupid? The only thing he could think of saying was 'shut the fuck up, woman!' and that would only made her even angrier.
His eyes drifted around the room frantically, stopping at his right and without losing a second he tried the idea that, at that very second, seemed like the perfect way to silence her for enough time for him to start. He took his pillow and threw it at her face. It was completely effective... for a couple of seconds. After that, she let out an outraged shriek.
And threw the pillow back to him.
"I swear, Inuyasha! Sometimes I dunno what to do with you."
He heard her grunted words with the pillow still against his face and decided it was the best arrangement he will get.
"Hey!" he started with a shout.
It was impossible to see her reaction but at least she went quiet.
"I want to tell you something..."
There was a pause charged with possibilities, that ended when Kagome's shaky voice said, "You're scaring me..."
Maybe it was something in his voice that alerted her, maybe it was the fact he was holding his pillow as a tangible barrier between them not letting them see the expressions on the other's face, or maybe it was the way his claws had started to rip the fabric of the pillow.
Inuyasha closed his eyes and reminded himself why this was important, to avoid running away or following his usual route and fight for something stupid again.
"I-I want you to know that... that I'm-I'm happy..."
She whispered his name in the form of a question and Inuyasha ignored it, too focused on how to continue.
"And-and I like to think you're happy too..."
Kagome started to move again at the same time she assured him with, "I am, Inuyasha."
He shook his head furiously knowing that was at least not entirely true. In the back of his mind he registered that his phone was ringing in his nightstand, but he didn't pay attention to it.
His body was tense and he could hear his jaw crack every time he opened his mouth, but there were still many things he wanted, he needed to tell her.
"Bu-but I know that sometimes being with me is ...not...not easy... that being around me is too, way too much difficult... because I am an asshole on my better days, and sometimes. No. Most of the time I leave you the difficult part here. But I want you to know that-"
He didn't notice that his ideas started to come out in complete sentences and his stutter slowly disappeared.
"-I know how hard you try to make everything work. The shit-ton of things that you fix for me and the kids. How you always give us your best... and-and." He started to choke again.
"I've always known that you're too good for me, and I've always known that at some point you'd realize that and just-and just leave..." His voice had started to become deeper and understanding what he was saying had become difficult.
Inuyasha gulped, hoping that in that moment she would say something that could convince him that she wasn't thinking about leaving him. But only silence could be heard, his ears swiveled around trying to find any sound. There was only her fast breathing, and that didn't tell him anything.
He was scowling as he forced the last words he wanted to tell her.
"S-since I've met you, I've discovered many things about myself... I've experienced great things beside you. You have given me so much that I feel like a failure for not even being able to say how much you mean to me."
"Inuyasha..." His name had been said in such a low whisper that he couldn't catch what was behind it. Was it a 'stop', a 'it makes no difference', a 'I don't care'? Far from making him feel calm, it made his nervousness even more urgent.
"I told myself that you knew. I told myself that doing what I could do for you was enough... but I know it is not. That I have only been half-assing it. But I NEED you to know that I-I..."
Suddenly he felt that everything was in slow motion, that even his crazy paced heartbeat had been reduced to a half-dead rhythm, but with a drum-like intensity. The significance of what he was about to do hit him again. In the decade they have been a couple, he had never, not even once said the "L" word...
"K-kagome... I-I l-love... our family."
Inuyasha heard something that vaguely resembled a groan and he panicked. Being completely lost in what to say or what to do if Kagome didn't like what he was saying, feeling his bile rise up, he ended up shouting the words angrily.
"I fucking love you, alright!" and he finished by throwing the pillow to her, needing to escape that place.
If she caught it or if he hit her right in the face, Inuyasha didn't care. He just turned away from her and tried to jump from the bed, only to be stopped by her. She had caught his wrist with one of her hands.
For a moment he debated between pulling his arm free and turning around and facing her. He chose the latter; if he walked away now, it could only make him feel worse wondering what she was.
The half demon stared at his wife, who was kneeling on the bed, hugging the pillow to her chest with one hand and holding his arm with the other. Her face was red and she was silently crying. He never knew what to do when Kagome cried, he always gave her stuff to distract her until she stopped crying... or he tried to make her angry... this time he didn't do either of those. He just stood there, with one foot on the ground but half sitting on the bed, watching her cry.
"Inuyasha," she said again, between sobs.
He wondered if that was the preamble to a heartfelt explanation of why it was not working, or if- his train of thought stopped cold when she launched herself to him. And together they fell to the floor.
Inuyasha instinctively hugged her as they fell. He hit the nightstand with his back and a few things fell to the ground around them, but he could only focus on Kagome.
His wife was on top of him with her face buried against his chest and her arms circling him tightly as she cried. Inuyasha's arms were also around her and he tried rubbing small, soft circles on her back. She tightened her hold on him and started to calm down.
Inuyasha waited for her to speak, and she did after taking several long and trembling breaths. Her still reddened and misty eyes were on his face, and even if it was obvious that some of the fluids on her face were not tears, she looked beautiful to him.
She started with a croaked "Inuyasha, th-that was-" before a jerking breath stopped her.
Kagome smiled at him as she rode the trembling aftermath of the ugly crying, and that managed to soothe him slightly.
"I don't-I've never-I didn't" she tried to start, finding impossible to continue the sentence, and it became ever more complicated when tears started to roll down her face again.
"I'm so stupid!" She complained before going back to push her face against his chest, but this time she rested her cheek on it. Inuyasha could feel her warm breaths against his skin and hoped she wasn't able to hear his crazy heart.
"You have no idea how much this means to me..." she whispered, "It is an incredible gift... hearing you say that... thank you!"
Then she raised her head and showed him a frown, broke the hug and put her hands around his face with a serious look on hers.
"But even if I really liked it... I knew how you felt even if you hadn't said the words. I know it for the little things you do every day, for me and the kids... and I love our family and I love you, too."
She smiled and moved herself closer to give him a short kiss. Inuyasha wasn't sure if she had wanted the kiss to be short and sweet or his shocked and unresponsive lips made her move back faster than expected.
"What's wrong?" she asked after a couple of seconds.
Inuyasha shook his head, but he was certain the look on his face told her there WAS a problem.
"Tell me," she pressured and waited until he started to talk.
"I heard you on the phone," he said as if that could explain everything.
"... and?" the confusion was obvious on her face and tone.
"I said. I heard you. On. The phone." The accusation in his tone was clear in his ears.
"I really don't know what you mean by that, Inuyasha".
"You said some things about being tired of how things were and wanting to run away with the kids..."
Kagome started to stand up at the same time she was looking at him as if he had slapped her.
"Alright." Her tone was once again the steely calm that came just before the storm. "You're implying I was talking to Sango about how unhappy I am and that I was going to leave you? And before you even answer that-" she raised her hand and pointed an accusing finger at him. "Also know that you are accusing me of not even fighting for this family! You think that I would just give up without saying anything and just run away!"
His ears were flattened on his head as she shouted at him. And now that he thought about it, it didn't really sound like the Kagome he knew, but...
"I know what I heard..." he pressed.
Kagome gasped and walked even farther. "Do you?"
His ears perked at the pained sound in her voice and another little crack in his reasoning appeared... but he had heard her talk about leaving with the kids.
"You said you couldn't take it anymore! You said that you were gonna take the kids away! I. Heard. You!"
Kagome walked to the other side of the room, where her small vanity was, she pulled the chair with slow and somehow tired movements and sat, facing away from him. It was the second chance she had to set him straight and tell him what she had been talking about if he was indeed wrong, but once again, she remained silent.
Without turning to him she rubbed her eyes and asked, "You heard me saying I was leaving YOU?"
"I-I..."
Inuyasha tried to think about the exact words that she had said through the phone and realized she hadn't said his name but her words had no other explanation, SHE had given no other explanation.
"...did?" he finished, but the questioning tone was clear for both of them.
She rested her elbows on her legs and sigh. "Sometimes..." she started, with her face towards the floor. "I wish I could be angry at how you imply that what we have can be so easily broken. I wish I could start shouting and throwing things like when we fight for stupid reasons... but-" Kagome had started to cry again and her throat had closed with a sob "but- it just makes me so fucking sad... Sad that you could even consider the possibility of that."
She turned to him at that moment and the look in her face broke his heart. She looked so tired and hollow. "Sad that even after all this time, you still doubt my feelings... that you somehow feel that what I feel for you is not real... or not enough."
He hated himself for doing that to her, for making her feel so unappreciated. It was exactly the reason why he had come up with the brilliant idea of saying the "L" word. And now she was feeling exactly the way he had dreaded she would. The need to comfort her and tell her he was the one damaged and not her, was so overwhelming that he didn't even register the moment he had started talking.
"It's not you! I don't doubt you... I know you will give your all. But... but... what if even all your l-lo-feelings... it's not enough to put up with me..." he motioned his whole body. "With how fucked up I am!"
Tears were still trailing down her face when she walked back to where he was half sitting in the floor, and kneeled beside him. She stretched her hand and cupped his cheek.
"You have always been you to me. I have always known how and WHO you are... And I've loved you knowing how-" she made a face "'fucked up' you are..." she took a long breath and took her hand away.
She gave him a soft, sad, smile and poked him kind of hard in the middle of his forehead. "But you need to have faith in me too..." she stood up and took a couple of steps back. "If you think I'm not gonna tell you when you start to be more of a dick than usual of when I'm getting tired of something you do... You are wrong, dogboy."
She crossed her arms and glared at him. "Now what do you have to say about it?"
Inuyasha felt smaller than usual under her sad and kind of angry eyes, and he felt the strange need to whine.
"I-I..." He averted his eyes, "I am an idiot..."
From the corner of his eye he could see her nod.
"Go on," she ordered with the same tone she used with the kids when they left their clothes on the floor.
He had fucked up, there was no way to deny it.
"I should've known that is not what you would do..." he said slowly.
"Yeah, you should have." Now she was pouting.
Inuyasha stood up and walked close to her slowly. "But just because I said... it... in one of my moronically-stupid moments-" Kagome chuckled at that.
She had been the one to give a name to those moments of self-doubt and loathing that happened to him from time to time.
He felt brave enough to put his hands on her waist and slowly pull her closer, and she did not offer resistance, even if she still look at him suspiciously.
"Even if I said it during one of those, it doesn't change why I said those lame things."
Kagome hit him on the shoulder playfully and said, "It was not lame... wish I could have seen your face during the confession, though."
Inuyasha felt the heat return to his cheeks and he just dipped his head into the crook of her neck, avoiding her curious eyes. Kagome's hands slid up on his back and held him close, the stayed that way for a while, until Inuyasha heard a not-very-soft whisper on the other side of their door.
"I told you they weren't fighting!"
They both chuckled and separated, Inuyasha went to fix the bed at the same time Kagome opened their door and glared at their two boys.
"Go to bed," was all she said to make the kids take a step back from the door. The toddler was looking at her with a scared face as his older brother pulled him to their room.
With a softer voice she told them goodnight and they smiled back in their fast retreat. She walked them to their room and tucked them in. Inuyasha looked at their bed and saw his phone light blinking and remembered it had rang a while ago. He took it and read the message Sango had sent him.
'Kagome is having a really bad time with Yuuki's teacher, the woman is taking advantage of Kagome's place in the PTA and calls her for stupid reasons everyday... Please convince her not to change schools, I don't want to be alone there!'
Inuyasha wanted to hit himself, he was truly an idiot. He forwarded the message to Kagome adding, "I'm a moronic-stupid idiot."
When she returned to the room and smiled at him as she closed the door, Inuyasha was able to take a deep breath again, trusting that they would be alright.
"I really do," were the last words he told her that night, with his head buried on the crook of her neck.
The end.
N/A:
Hi! This story came to be because I think that Inuyasha's inferiority complex is something that will not be cured just by being with Kagome. It will certainly become easier for him to accept that good things can happen to him, but from time to time that hideous voice in his head telling him how Kagome is completely out of his league. And they have to work through that.
Also this is my entry for Inuvember 2017's Day 13: Inuyasha and Kagome in tumblr.
I hope this is of your liking. Thank you so much for reading!
Love,
Nanna.