Connor carefully cracked open the window of his nano room. With the room so small, it could easily get hot and stuffy just by him sitting in it, but it got worse when he showered or used the oven. Today, he was using the oven. It was just a tiny thing built into his tiny kitchen and he had to be careful about the dishes that he bought, as some of them wouldn't fit. Connor checked on the temperature of his oven, but it wasn't done preheating. He picked up his mixing bowl again, but promptly had to put it down to answer the phone.
"Hi, Dad."
"Hey, Connor. Where are you?"
"I'm in my room. Why?"
"Oh. I just thought that you might be studying with Jude, that's all. Don't you usually on Sundays?"
"He's not off work until seven tonight," Connor said. He put his phone on speaker, sat it on the edge of his desk, and picked up his mixing bowl again, taking a fork to it. He'd already had the beaters in it, but he needed to do something with his hands while he waited for the oven to preheat.
"Are you still going to study with him?"
"Yes. He's going to pick me up. We're going to go to his apartment."
"You don't mind being there with him late?"
"It's not late. And Jude doesn't worry me. Not like that. I trust him. I'm even able to sit next to him. I don't feel like I'm going crazy. Dad, I … I held his hand. More than once."
Adam went silent. Connor was glad that the oven beeped, signalling that it was at the right temperature, so that he didn't have to sit there and listen to his father say nothing. Connor poured his batter into the two small round pans on his desk. One, he put into the oven, promptly starting his phone timer. The other, he wedged into the fridge, fitting it in even with the bowl that was taking up most of the space.
"What are you doing?" Adam asked.
"Baking a cake. What are you doing?"
"I'm just at home. Connor, do you like this boy?"
"He's my friend, Dad."
"That's not what I meant and you know that. Do you like this boy?"
"Dad, it hasn't even been a year since … him."
"I know that. But it's all right to like Jude, you know?"
"You said something different last week." Connor began to fill his small sink. Dirty dishes weren't to be left around.
"I know. Last week, though, I was wrong. And accusatory. You're an adult. You went through something bad. Everyone heals at different rates. I like to think that you're making really good progress with Dr. Scott and that she'll be able to help you. I just … I don't want you to be afraid of what you want."
"No matter who it is, it will be a boy. Are you going to be okay with that this time?"
"Yes," Adam said.
There was no hesitation in his voice and Connor couldn't describe the emotion that welled up in him from that. He could only hope that Adam meant it.
"You're my son. I love you. I won't make my earlier mistakes. It will take a while for you to trust that, I know. I'll be patient. It doesn't matter to me that you're gay. I don't want you to be afraid of a relationship. I don't know how you feel about Jude – if he's just a friend then he's just a friend – but if you feel something more for him, that's okay too. I want what's going to make you happy."
"You sound a little like Dr. Scott."
"Well," Adam mused, "You did say she was smart."
"About Jude, though. It wouldn't be fair for me to like him. It wouldn't be fair for me to be in a relationship with him. Sometimes I feel guilty for even being his friend because I know how hard it is to even be friends with me."
"You deserve happiness. I'm not saying push yourself. I'm not saying you have to date someone. That wouldn't be fair of me either. What I'm saying is … don't get in your own way. I'm here if you need me."
"Thank you."
Connor checked on his first cake. It was perfectly cooked and he slid it out of the oven, promptly putting his second one in.
"Is there anything that you want to talk about? Anything new that you need to tell me?"
"No. You know everything." Connor looked at his phone. "Dad?"
"What?"
"Since you asked about my dating life, can I ask about yours?"
Adam laughed. "I've dated two women since your mother. The first was for two weeks. The second was for six months. I haven't met anyone."
"You've tried?"
"Yes and no. I've never ignored a possibility but I don't always feel like trying to seek out a relationship."
"I understand."
"I hope you know that you can ask me things. Whatever you want. We need to get to know each other too."
"I … I was just wondering if you met someone," Connor admitted. "If that's why you wanted me to find someone too."
"You were wondering if I had other motivations than your best interests."
"This week you sound different than last week and I'm just trying to make sense of it and figure things out," Connor said in a rush. "I don't know what to do when you keep changing your mind and saying different things and I just don't know."
Connor was more than aware that his voice was high and whiny near the end, but his focus was on trying to clamp down on the tears and the lump in his throat. He shouldn't be losing it like this! He should be able to keep it all tamped down and inside so that he could be whoever he was needed to be. That was what he'd been taught. That was what he knew. It was better to be nothing than to get in trouble for being something.
"I'm sorry for being so inconsistent. I know it doesn't help you. I want you to be able to make the choices that are going to keep you safe and make you happy. You can trust that with all you're able."
"Okay, Dad. I'll try."
"I'm going to go, if that's all right," Adam said. "I need to go grocery shopping. I hope you have a good study session later."
"Me too."
"Text me when you're in for the night, okay?"
Connor agreed.
"I love you."
"You too."
Connor watched the call screen blink off and he turned to the last of his dishes, arranging them in the drying rack that took up more space than it was worth, sometimes. It was a sacrifice that Connor had to make to be in a nano room and he'd rather deal with the small space than the risk of having a roommate. He spent most of the afternoon doting on his cake. Because of the small size of his cake pans, it ended up being two layers, which meant that he could slather icing between the two layers, which was the point. Jude liked lots of icing.
Connor transferred the cake into the only container that he had that was big enough to hold the awkward shape. It was good timing; just moments after he'd done so, Jude texted him that he had just left work. Connor packed up his back pack, picked up his cake, locked his door behind him, and was waiting outside for Jude when he saw Gerald pull into the parking lot. Connor smiled at the sight of the old black car. It had come a comforting sight. Jude had barely parked when Connor was pulling the passenger side door open.
"Hey!" Jude said.
"You're wearing your work shirt," Connor noticed. He reached out and touched the sleeve of the black t-shirt with the name of the convenience store emblazoned on the right side of Jude's chest.
"I came right here to get you. No point in stopping to grab another shirt when we're just going back to my apartment, right?"
"Right."
Jude backed Gerald out of the parking spot and then they were driving off campus.
"What's in the container?"
"I'll show you when we get to your apartment."
"I'm so curious," Jude whined.
"I can tell you now," Connor offered quickly. He didn't want to bother Jude.
"Nah. Patience is a virtue … or so I hear. What did you do today?"
"I went to the gym this morning. I think I like going a little later in the day, though. Then, I was just in my room. Dad called. We've been talking about past things. That gets a little hard."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. I'm okay. I just get confused sometimes when things seem contradictory. Or aren't consistent. I spend too much time thinking about it, I think."
"Will mindlessly reading textbooks help you?"
"Usually. Thinking about something else is easy."
Jude shrugged and carefully parked in his strip of driveway. Connor got out of the car, carefully cradling his cake container, and then he picked his way down the stone path that led to Jude's door. Jude unlocked the door and headed off to change out of his work shirt. Connor went into the kitchen, turning on the light as he went. Though it wasn't fully dark outside yet, there weren't many windows in Jude's apartment. There was a small one, situated near the ceiling on the wall opposite the bed, and then there was a window in the door that Jude kept a thin white curtain pulled over. The apartment wasn't fully situated in the ground – the house was on a hill, so three of the four sides were, but the wall with the door was fully exposed to the outside. Connor thought a window could have been there and he didn't know why there wasn't. He'd never spent days here like Jude had, but he thought that the lack of natural light might get a little suffocating, eventually.
"So," Jude said, sliding into the kitchen. "What's in the container?"
"See for yourself."
Connor stepped out of the way as Jude popped the top off the white plastic container. His expression was not what Connor expected; Connor had thought that there would be a bit more excitement.
"It looks like an icing tower."
"It's chocolate icing with two layers of vanilla cake in the middle," Connor said. "Like the cupcakes. I just thought you might like this ratio a bit better."
He began to doubt his afternoon of work. Jude didn't like it. Jude thought he was dumb. He should have waited and asked Jude about it instead of just deciding to do it. He never made the right decisions. He never did anything right. He –
Jude's face lit up. "You made me a cake?"
"Yeah …"
Jude's whole face was bright when he turned to Connor. "I'd hug you right now if I thought you'd let me."
"R-really?"
"Yeah! It looks great, Connor."
Connor thought of what Adam had said, about being safe and about being happy. Then, he didn't overthink it when he said, "Maybe a little one."
"A little slice? Are you sure? Because I'm probably going to eat most of it now."
"I meant … maybe a little hug."
Jude held his arms out and Connor stepped into them. Jude was taller than he was and Connor's head was able to rest on his chest, just over his heart. He wrapped both of his arms around Jude's waist. He couldn't help the tiny tremble when Jude's arms went around him. Jude's hold was loose, but in response to Connor's shake, Jude let go even more.
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"When you have your arms like that, I feel trapped," Connor confessed.
Jude's arms shifted so that they both weren't around Connor's waist. One was going diagonally down toward his hip, while the other was up around Connor's shoulder. The change felt less like entrapment and more like being held. He was able to relax into the hug and it had been so long since Connor had been held with nothing but tenderness, where he wasn't scared of the arms that were around him, that he started to cry. It was awful; it was embarrassing.
"It's not you," Connor sniffed, feeling Jude's grip change. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Nothing." Jude rocked him back and forth. "You're fine just the way you are."
Connor didn't believe it, not even for a second. But it meant so much for him to hear. The space inside of Jude's arms started to get uncomfortable and Connor needed to be able to breathe. He pushed back and against Jude's arms and, in an instant, Jude let go.
"How about some cake?" Jude said. "It'll make you feel better."
"Okay. Thank you for sharing."
"It'd be mean of me to not let you enjoy what you made," Jude said, grabbing bowls from his cupboard. He also grabbed a knife. "Tell me when."
Connor watched the size of his piece carefully. "When."
Jude didn't comment, just filled both of their bowls with cake. "We can even put off studying if that'll make you feel better."
Connor shook his head.
"We can do next week's readings too," Jude offered. "That might make you feel better."
That coaxed a small smile from Connor and he wiped at his eyes. He couldn't believe he'd cried. He sat on the couch, close to Jude rather than far away, and picked up their anthology from the coffee table.
"Are we sharing books tonight too?" Jude asked.
"My back pack is in the kitchen," Connor said, going to put his bowl and the book back on the coffee table.
"Don't worry about it. We can try and share. Though you'll have to read at my pace."
"That's all right," Connor said. They spread the book between their laps, though it took some maneuvering to get the book to balance in a way that they could eat and read at the same time. Connor tried to focus on the words – they were reading about heroes this week again, though this time they were reading about Jason and Heracles. Connor thought that it was interesting reading but he couldn't stop himself from looking away from the page and letting his mind wander back to his hug with Jude. He couldn't shake the feeling that it had given him and he could wrap his head around the fact that it was a nice feeling. It wasn't a physical touch that he just endured. It wasn't a physical touch that left him confused and desperate for something more – something that he never got. It was just nice. It was good. Connor liked it. He didn't know how to like it.
"Are you done with the page?" Jude asked, breaking Connor's thoughts.
"What? Oh. No. I'm sorry. I wasn't concentrating on … on it."
"Can I help with anything?" Jude asked, but Connor had to shake his head.
Connor had no idea what he would ask for help with, if he thought he'd be able to ask. He didn't know what would help him. There were things that could help him, he knew. He and Dr. Scott worked on those things every week and Connor liked to think that he was making progress. Left on his own, though, Connor had no idea what to do to help himself.
Jude put his empty bowl on the coffee table. "It was really good, Connor. I'm more serious now than I was before about you being my personal chef."
That made Connor smile too.
"Would it bother you if I put my head on your shoulder?" Jude asked.
"No, I don't think so."
Jude settled down, resting his head against Connor's shoulder. The little contact didn't bother Connor and he pulled the anthology into his lap.
"I'm just tired from work," Jude said. "You're kind of comfortable to sleep on."
"You're not asleep," Connor pointed out.
"And I won't do that to you … Tonight, anyway. If you keep seeing me after work, there will come a time when I fall asleep on you."
"Is it that draining?"
"Yes and no. Some shifts are harder than others. Mostly, my legs just get sore and so I just get cranky."
"You don't seem cranky," Connor pointed out. It was hard to imagine Jude that way.
"Being around you makes me not cranky," Jude replied. "It makes me happy."
"Oh."
"Was that too much?" Jude asked. Connor could hear anxiety in his tone. "I meant, you know, friends make me happy."
"It's okay. I … Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course you can."
"Then you're sure that … that you like me as more than a friend?"
Jude lifted his head off Connor's shoulder and they looked at one another. Connor didn't know what answer he was going to get. He didn't know what answer he wanted to get. Jude was strange and a little confusing, but not in the way that made Connor feel unbalanced. Jude wasn't trying to be that way. His moods didn't fling from one end of the spectrum to the other. He wasn't intentionally antagonistic. He was just confusing because, though Connor would like to, he'd yet to meet a person that wasn't confusing. It was part of being a human, Connor thought, although he didn't know how much he liked that idea. People were simply confusing and that was that.
"I'm sure."
Connor dropped his eyes from Jude's. He couldn't look into Jude's face because he knew he'd see nothing there but honesty. "I'm sorry. We said we weren't going to talk about it."
"That wasn't a law. We can bring things up every once in a while, even if we say we weren't going to talk about it. Better than being upset over we don't need to be, right?"
"Right," Connor murmured tightly.
"Was there anything else?"
"I don't know."
"That's okay."
Jude put his head back on Connor's shoulder and Connor couldn't deny that it made him feel better. He liked Jude's closeness, whatever that meant.
"Let's read," Jude proposed after a moment of silence.
"Can you see the book from there?"
"Can't you read to me? Would that be too much to ask?"
"No, it would keep me focused." Connor took a deep breath and began to read. "With Jason as a captain these men put to sea and landed on the island of Lemnos …"
The chapter's title is after the song Because Of You by Reba McEntire ft. Kelly Clarkson (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~