A/N: writing Bella always makes me feel slightly . . . bi polar. Anywho, she's a delicate soul and all that. . . Go easy on her.

Chapter 15

Facing Your Fears

Bella's POV

It was almost midnight. I was lying on my bed listening to the sound of the rain pelting on the roof shingles, but I was finding no solace in it like I usually did. I was too distracted and struggling to comprehend the night's events, and the rain was becoming white noise.

In truth, I didn't want to think about any of it. It was so overwhelming, and as usual, I felt too insignificant and completely helpless. The world was spinning just as chaotically as it always did, and never had I felt so small in my entire life.

Dropping my forehead to my palm, I squeezed my eyes shut, just as an image of his face flashed behind my eyes, causing my heart to immediately clench. But taking a heavy breath I pushed him from my thoughts.

I didn't want to go there. Not yet, at least.

It was so tempting to surrender myself to the oblivion of sleep—if I could manage to fall asleep, that is; which I doubted. I would have even chosen the comfort of tears but they wouldn't come either.

Straightening up, I gazed agonisingly at the time on my iPod dock for the umpteenth time. Only five minutes had passed since I'd last checked. I was sure it'd slowed down just to torture me, and I was suddenly overcome with the urge to pick it up and hurl it through the window. I was angry, and I wanted to stay angry, but I couldn't, because nothing could detract from the fact that I still hadn't heard from Alice.

I still didn't know if he was going to be okay. . .

If I wasn't so fearful and unable to put two coherent words together, I would have called her. It's not like I hadn't tried; I had—at least a dozen times. But I hadn't been able to get past pulling my brand new cell phone out of my pocket and unlocking it, before I became engulfed by an all too familiar panic. A panic that had me dropping the phone as if it was burning my hands; a panic that reminded me of the reality I was never going to be able to escape.

That I was going to lose Kel, and now Edward.

Edward. . .

Seeing him lying on the road, unconscious and bleeding had felt like a ten mega ton bomb had ripped through my chest. I'd only stood with a white knuckled grip on the open door of my car as I fought desperately to keep my consciousness intact. My lungs burned as I drew the freezing air sharply into them, while my mind was screaming not Edward too! Every instinct that welled deep inside me awoke in that instant and told me to run, but I didn't; I couldn't. I kept my eyes glued to the horrendous scene in front of me and faced my nightmare head on.

Inhaling deeply, I expelled it in frustration, before switching my phone back on and staring at Alice's name in my contacts.

I found myself wishing that the worst that had happened tonight was walking in on Edward and Jessica. That I could deal with; anger had always been easier for me—it helped me stay in control when there was otherwise none, but it wasn't anger that was ripping me apart. Nor was it seeing Jessica and Edward together.

Taking several even breaths, and closing my eyes again, I willed myself to find the courage. It was Renee's face that flashed in the back of my mind this time, smiling with smug over confidence before I heard her voice as it echoed in the dark recesses of my memory.

You were always piss-weak, Bella.

I flinched, my eyes flying open, my face flushing angrily. It was something Renee had often said to me.

I allowed the anger to completely consume me, when I soon realised it was directed at myself and not at her. Because at that moment, and for the first time in my life, she had it exactly right.

I pressed Alice's number with a newly acquired determination, ignoring my stomach as it twisted itself into knots, and waited for her to answer.

"Hi, Bella."

My heart quickened; she sounded terrible.

"Alice," I spoke, barely able to find my voice, "how . . . how's. . ." I was unable to finish; I couldn't hear it.

"He's not good, Bella," Alice replied, her hoarse voice breaking softly.

My breath caught, while my heart continued to thud so rapidly within me that I was beginning to feel faint. Clutching at my chest instinctively, I opened my mouth to reply, but no words came out.

"Oh God, Bella—it's my fault!" Alice suddenly cried, her voice rising with a pain-filled anguish.

"It's not your fault, Alice!" I insisted vehemently, shaking my head as if to validate it, and as I spoke these words they were echoed by someone on the other end of the line. Jazz, I was guessing.

"It is!" Alice persisted. "I could have explained it to him, Bella! That's all it would have taken, but instead, I blamed everything on him. I slapped him, I let Jacob beat him up"—

Jacob?

—"and I walked out on him when he passed out!" she stopped, her sobs becoming uncontrollable, her sharp breathing causing static in the reception. I could hear Jazz comforting her in the background as my mind began buzzing as I comprehended her words.

Jacob had beat up Edward?

I was just absorbing the idea of it, feeling my jaw clench with sudden anger, when Alice spoke up again. "Bella, please, can you come to the hospital to see him?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but with my heart lunging in panic, all I could do was shake my head hastily, futilely, in answer.

"Please, Bella. He needs you," she pleaded with me, and she sounded so hurt and afraid, I knew I couldn't deny her anything, but. . .

I took a resigned breath, trying to find some way around it; trying to find a scrap of courage that I hoped still existed within me. But it was pointless; I was a coward. "Alice . . . I . . . please don't—"

"Bella!" Her tone was suddenly hard. "This is my brother! He could die! If he ever meant anything to you, please do this!"

But the very idea of going to the hospital was causing an overwhelming fear to take hold of me. "I . . . I . . . can't . . . Alice . . . I. . ." I stammered, unable to finish the sentence, and feeling horribly ashamed of myself.

"Fuck you, Bella!" Alice spat, before she hung up.

I only blinked back the shame and guilt that was beginning to consume me, before dropping the phone from my ear, and allowing the air to gush from my lungs.

My mother was right; I was weak, and I was a coward.

And I'd let Alice down.

I sighed deeply, frustrated at myself, while wishing I could just surrender to the emotion that was burning in my throat, but still the tears refused to come.

Of course I wanted to see Edward. What I couldn't face was the brutal reminder of what was happening to my best friend. I'd tried so hard not to focus on it for so long that the thought of being confronted by the reality of it put a very real panic in my heart.

More importantly, I didn't want to have to face the fact that Edward could very well die as well, because he did mean something to me. . .

. . .

The sound of Jake's boisterous, semi drunken laughter instantly pulled me out of my brooding thoughts, as Alice's words immediately echoed in my mind.

Pulling myself up from my bed with sudden determination, I made my way down stairs.

"Hey, Bells!" he greeted me brightly as I stepped into the kitchen. "You feeling better now?"

I shook my head, feeling my expression darken.

"Jake, what the hell did you do to Edward?" I demanded, ignoring his question.

He was about to take a gulp of milk straight from the carton, when he paused and turned back to me, his expression reflecting his evident confusion. "I sorted him out, Bells. He deserved it," he answered with a nonchalant shrug.

"He's in hospital, you idiot!" I snapped angrily, reaching up to run my hand down my face in a vain attempt to quell my anger. "For once, Jacob, would you stop using me as an excuse to get back at him!"

"Jeez, Bells, lighten up, would ya. So he'll get a couple of stitches," he replied, taking a gulp of milk and half rolling his eyes just as Uncle Billy walked into the kitchen.

"Actually, Jake, it's a little more serious than that. Edward was in a car accident tonight," he relayed quietly, a tired, troubled look etched into his features, before turning to me an offering up a warm smile. "How are you, Bella? Are you okay?"

I nodded, but I wasn't. I was far from it.

"No shit?" Jake said surprised, raising his eyebrows as he gave it weight, continuing quickly as Uncle Billy pointed a warning finger at him. "Well, Bells, that's what happens when you mess with a Swan, huh?"

I only stared at him incredulous and in disbelief.

"Grow up, Jake. Edward's very sick," Uncle Billy explained gravely, with an edge of anger. "He's on life support and could very well lose his life."

I watched Jake's face grow serious as Billy's words seeped slowly into my consciousness, when without warning my ears began to ring, quickly followed by a horrible, consuming panic. I couldn't breathe—my lungs felt as though they were in an iron grip—and as I gasped desperately for air, I began violently trembling.

I squeezed my eyes shut as a meek defence against it, before gripping my chest with both my fists. But my lungs steadfastly refused to inflate.

Edward!

Two pairs of large hands suddenly grabbed hold of me, before I was dragged over to a chair.

"Bella, just calm down. Breathe slowly," my uncle instructed me, before thrusting a glass of water in my hands, but all I could hear was the alarm, the fear, in his voice.

My uncle managed to force the water down my throat, as I choked and spluttered on it, and slowly, the panic began to loosen its grip on me. Taking deep repeated breaths, I slowly felt my body unlock and my speeding pulse calm.

Then just as quickly as it started, my panic shifted and gave way to broken, breathless sobs. The tears had finally come, but I found no comfort in them, because the only thing I could comprehend was the overwhelming fear that I was losing everyone around me, and I had no control over anything.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Billy asked, gazing intently at me, his eyes scanning my face with a deeply etched concern.

I nodded, clumsily wiping away my tears, before taking a small, tentative sip of water. The panic had passed but in its wake was complete exhaustion.

"I think you're in shock, Bella. It's been a rough couple of weeks, and what happened tonight would've been stressful enough for anyone." Billy continued to scrutinise me with weary, concerned eyes.

"What did you see, Bells? Were you there?" Jake's voice was excited.

I ignored him before turning to Billy; he was glaring at Jake with impatience.

"I might just go to bed, Uncle Billy." My voice was little more than a whisper; it was all I could manage.

He nodded and sighed, turning back to Jake. "Help Bella upstairs, Jake, and for god's sake try not to say anything stupid."

"I'm okay," I insisted quietly, standing up and trying to disguise the fact that my knees were all but buckling beneath me.

Jake followed me upstairs, looking sheepish and uncomfortable. "Jeez, Bells, I'm really sorry. I mean, I know Cullen and I don't get along, but I wouldn't wish that on him."

"Don't worry about it," I mumbled, feeling irritation creep up my spine at the sound of his voice; something that usually had the opposite effect on me.

He sighed, but didn't reply.

Reaching out, I gripped the doorknob to my bedroom about to enter, before turning back to him. "See you in the morning, Jake."

"Goodnight, Bells . . . and . . . I hope Cullen gets better soon," he muttered, shifting awkwardly, his gaze breaking from mine.

"Edward—his name is Edward, Jake!" I snapped as anger broke the surface again. "Bloody hell!" And stepping inside my room, I slammed the door shut on him.

Huffing to myself, I paced back and forth across the room before guilt began to inevitably plague me. Sighing this time in resignation, I opened the door again. Jake was still standing on the other side of it looking awkward and unsure of himself, his expression downcast.

When he met my gaze, he flashed me a remorseful, uneasy grin, and impulsively, I reached up and threw myself into his massive arms, hugging him tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to take it out on you. You know how much I love you," I promised him, my voice breaking softly.

It wasn't Jacob's fault, after all.

"Aw jeez, Bells," he mumbled, warmly, before releasing me from his mammoth embrace. "Tell Alice Edward has to get better, 'cause the next move is his." He immediately broke into a cheeky smirk; I could only scoff in good humour.

"Okay. Thanks, Jake," I replied lightly, breaking into a knowing smile.

. . .

Pitifully, it still took me a good ten minutes to call Alice. Each time I got close, panic threatened my resolve again, but I knew I was being ridiculous. I had to get control of myself, I had to see Edward; I had to know if he was okay; and I had to be there for Alice.

Grabbing my phone in a burst of determination, I called her; keeping my focus on her and solely her.

She answered almost immediately, her voice that was obviously hoarse from crying, was flat, dull. "Bella," she said quietly, but that was as far as I let her speak.

"Alice, I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, my tone seeped with shame. "Of course I will come and see Edward—as soon as you want me there. It's . . . it's just. . ."

She expelled her breath, sounding dejected.

"I know, Bella. I understand how hard it's going to be for you, but thank you." Her voice was almost inaudible in its softness. It was heartbreaking to hear.

"Thanks, Als," I said softly. "I'm sorry about before. I just panicked."

"I'm sorry too. I'm just . . . so scared for him, Bella." Her fractured voice wavered and then broke. It was almost too much for me to bear, and it brought me right back to the brink of tears.

Alice made plans with me for her and Jazz to pick me up at ten o'clock the next morning. Jazz had to pick up his car, after all; it was still parked out in front of the house.

I accepted that I was going to the hospital, but I refused to probe into it any deeper than that, or associate it with Kel. It was pointless to dwell on "what ifs", and I refused to succumb to any more panic.

After saying goodbye to Alice, I headed into the hall to have a shower. My face was itchy from crying, and I hated sleeping while I was still wearing makeup. It reminded me of Renee and all the mornings she woke up looking god-awful, with her mascara running down her face; immediately evoking the image of her in my mind.

I shuddered. I wasn't her!

Afterwards, I tiptoed back to my room, careful not to disturb Billy and Jacob. But naturally, after closing my bedroom door behind me, I turned and immediately caught my toe on the edge of the rug. I stumbled forward, sending the contents of the little canvas toiletries bag I was carrying scattering across the timber floor.

Huffing shortly with angry frustration, I quickly bent down to pick everything back up. I was half way under my bed retrieving my toothbrush, when out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of something pink. As I reached out to grab it, my heart froze in my chest, and springing quickly back to my feet, I found myself staring down at one of Edward's pink pens.

Before I was even aware of them, tears began spilling down my cheeks, blurring my vision. So, closing my eyes, I completely surrendered myself to them.

Edward's smiling, ridiculously handsome face flashed clearly in my mind, and I faltered, surprised by the reaction I had to it—that I still had to him even now.

Sitting on my bed, with a defeated sigh, I allowed my thoughts to wander back to him, to every word he'd ever spoken to me, until I was reminded of the pain in his eyes the last time I spoke to him. How angry he'd been, but how even more hurt he was, as his eyes bored intently into mine.

I'd hurt him, and at the time I just thought he was being irrational, but it was obvious now.

I should never have gone out with Mike in tow knowing that he had feelings for me. I'd made it clear that we were only friends, but what was Edward supposed to think? Mike had followed me around like a bloody lost puppy; anyone who'd seen us would've naturally assumed we were there together.

Angela had confessed to me at the party tonight that Ben had told Edward I'd gone on a date with Mike Thursday night—the night after I'd come home from confessing my deepest fears to Edward. It definitely explained his reaction Friday afternoon.

Of course, he could have just as easily asked me himself instead of jumping to conclusions, but I knew now that my actions had in part led to what had happened to him. If I'd had an ounce of a spine I would have explained it all to him Friday afternoon before any of this could have happened. He'd been there for me when no one else was; in return I could have set him straight—no matter how angry I was at him.

Edward was hovering close to death in a hospital bed because I had allowed him to believe a lie!

Without letting go of my grip on the pen, I crawled under the covers of my bed. And with guilt tearing at the fabric of my soul, I cried myself into a restless sleep, full of dark, disturbing dreams. Dreams of what had happened tonight, replaying through my subconsciousness; of Edward bloodied and unconscious lying on the side of the road. Until it was no longer Edward I was seeing, but Kel.

I woke up several times during the night, clutching my chest and gasping for air, reminding me again that it wasn't only a dream. When I fell back to sleep, the dreams continued, relentlessly, haunting me with the knowledge that my past was catching up with the present, and both were crumbling down around me.

. . .

Alice and Jazz arrived just before ten; Alice looked terrible. As soon as I opened the door to her I threw my arms around her, squeezing her tightly.

"Stop it, Bella. You'll make me cry again," she said softly, her thick, croaky voice catching.

I released her just as Jazz took my place, pulling her against him.

The two of them were pale, their eyes red rimmed and bloodshot, but there was something else in Alice's expression that I both understood and recoiled from. There was an overwhelming fear reflecting in her eyes, while her expression was all but broken and hopeless.

My heart ached for her. I knew her pain more than I wished I did.

"How . . . is he?" I asked with trepidation.

"No change," she replied, exhaling softly and turning her eyes from mine as they welled with tears.

I nodded, swallowing thickly while commanding I hold it together. I was beginning to feel the whispers of panic again, and my stomach was knotting. I hadn't eaten breakfast, which was making me feel slightly light headed, but I knew it probably wouldn't be the smartest thing to do; to see Edward in his current condition with a full stomach.

"You ready to go?" Alice asked quietly, flashing me a sad smile.

I only nodded in reply. It was important to her that I be there for Edward, and I'd do it for her, even if it was the last place in the world I wanted to be.

I sat in the back seat of Jazz's car mentally preparing myself for what I was about to witness, reminding myself repeatedly that it wasn't some dark omen of Kel. At the very least I needed to see Edward and know that he wasn't suffering, and maybe it would reassure me that Kel wasn't either. . .

When we pulled up at the hospital, I closed my eyes, willing myself to stay strong. I could do it. I could support Alice and be here for Edward, and I could face the reality of what was happening with my best friend.

Only, I was fooling no one.

When I opened my eyes again, they met with the pale blue of Jazz's, who was gazing at me through his rear vision mirror, his brow furrowed.

"You okay, Bella? You look a little green."

I only nodded, throwing him a tight smile.

Turning around in her seat, Alice gazed at me with concern woven into her grief stricken eyes. "It's okay to be freaked, Bella."

"I-I'm okay—really," I lied, stammering and struggling to keep my voice even, but only becoming frustrated in myself.

I was acting ridiculous. Life was cruel, and no one knew that better than me. I'd faced it for seventeen years of my life, and at the same time, I knew it wouldn't kill me.

Taking a final determined breath, I exited the car and walked with shaky legs beside Alice and Jazz into the building, but as we exited the elevator to the Intensive Care Unit, my heart skidded to a halt. I faltered, and was in the midst of an internal struggle that had me on the verge of fleeing the building, when Jazz reached over, grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him and Alice.

When we rounded the corner, approaching the nurse's station, I spied two people talking together, their mannerisms and expressions serious. The attractive woman with the hair colour almost identical to Edward's was undoubtedly his mother.

As we approached, she turned her attention toward us, lines of worry ingrained in her forehead. Alice immediately released herself from Jazz to throw herself into her mother's arms.

"How is he?" Alice asked a moment later, turning her attention to the blond doctor.

"He's doing okay, Alice. His vitals are strong, and the swelling to his brain has already decreased. If it continues in a few days we'll bring him out of the coma. We'll know more then, but so far things are looking positive." He smiled at her warmly, though it didn't reflect in his eyes; they remained staid and serious.

Alice only sighed deeply, a smile almost lighting up across her face in return.

"That's Esme's husband, Dr Mason," Jazz explained softly, leaning down to me.

I only nodded, not really hearing him. I was too immersed by what the doctor had just told Alice.

Edward was going to be brought out of his coma, without there being any speculation as to his brain activity or the possibility of turning off machines?

I was trying to digest this information when Alice turned her mother in my direction, and as I met Esme's gaze, a warm smile lit up on her face. She looked so incredibly like Edward that it was almost uncanny.

"Mom, this is Bella," Alice said in introduction.

"Of course. How are you, Bella?" she spoke with the same smooth, soothing voice, before leaning over to hug me tenderly.

I reacted instantly, going instinctively tense. In fact, my first instinct was to take a step away from her to avoid her altogether. When Renee got this close to me it never ended well, and it certainly never began with a hug.

She squeezed my shoulders gently as I stood stock still with my arms at my sides, before releasing me again. She didn't seem to notice, or rather was polite enough to overlook, my odd reaction.

"It's so lovely that you came to see Edward," she said gently, as a moment of pain flickered in her eyes.

I nodded, swallowing again to find my voice. "I-It's nice to meet you . . . Mrs Cullen?" I stammered, feeling my cheeks flush brazenly.

She broke into a grin. "My mother in law is Mrs Cullen," she paused and lightly pulled a face. I smiled. "Call me Esme, sweetheart."

Edward, behind her smile, behind her eyes. He was practically her clone.

"O-Okay," I stammered, but it was the only word I could think to say.

Esme turned to Jazz then, speaking to him with affection and placing her hand tenderly on his cheek.

I only looked down at my feet awkwardly, when Alice came to stand beside me, linking her arm through mine. When I looked up to meet her gaze, she smiled, and for the first time her eyes were igniting with hope. I found myself smiling back, warmed by her optimism.

"You ready to go in?" she asked.

I nodded, taking a huge shaky breath in.

The hospital policy for ICU patients was family only, but since Alice's step-father was a residing doctor, and after hearing her explain to him that I was a special friend of Edward's, I was allowed to accompany her to see him.

I walked apprehensively with trembling limbs into the room behind Alice, hearing the machines—the whooshing of the respirator, and the beeping of the heart monitor—before I saw them.

Slowly and fearfully, I forced myself to look over at the hospital bed, and the moment my eyes fell on Edward my heart felt like it almost literally stopped.

He was lying pale and unmoving, attached to all those god-awful machines; his body battered and bruised.

He looked horrendous.

Alice turned to me, her expression alarmed. "Bella, are you okay?"

I took a clumsy step backwards, beginning to feel like I was suffocating. Expelling the air from my lungs, that I was unaware I'd been holding, I hastily looked around for something to grab hold of to anchor myself. There was nothing, so I leaned up against the wall, closing my eyes, while my hammering heart pushed the panic through my body.

"Are you all right, Bella?" I heard Alice repeat, her voice echoing in my mind.

I nodded weakly and slowly opened my eyes. "I'm okay. I feel a little faint, but I'm. . ." I left it unspoken; I was nauseated and speaking only made it worse.

"Take your time." I heard Alice's voice again as though it was floating through the air, independent of her.

Taking several even, measured breaths, I opened my eyes and allowed them to again rest on Edward. He remained lifeless, his chest rising and falling robotically under the respirator, while his heart beeped away through the machines, as though it were counting down. I shook my head to myself trying to rid myself of the faintness, and the fact that it was Kel I was suddenly seeing, hooked up to these machines, keeping her alive, when it was so obvious she wasn't anymore. . .

Closing my eyes again, I dropped my head into my palms.

Alice grabbed my hand and pulled it away from my face; she was saying something to me, her eyes were sympathetic, but I couldn't really hear her. Then, leading me slowly to Edward, she released me to bend over and kiss him gently on the forehead. He was so still; the only movement was his chest as his lungs expanded and expelled air with each whoosh of the respirator.

I found myself staring at the cut above his eye—the cut my cousin had caused—and a burst of anger swept through me, instantly drowning out my panic and returning some of my equilibrium. I tried to hold on to it as I sat in the chair beside his bed, pulling myself together long enough to tentatively reach out and touch his hand. Only, the minute my fingers came into contact with his skin, I withdrew my hand quickly as if it had been burned; when in reality it was the complete opposite. It was cool. Edward was normally so warm, even hot. I would often feel the heat emanating from him constantly. But now . . . he was so cold.

Tears sprang to my eyes. The sight of him lying so helpless and vulnerable seemed like some kind of blasphemy—an injustice. The same injustice that was being committed against my best friend in Australia.

And I couldn't bear it.

"Alice, I have to get out of here!" I blurted, before springing from the chair and hastily leaving the room.

Jazz caught up with me as I was about to get into the lift. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, just that I had to escape that horrible little room, with the beeping machines and Edward's lifeless body lying so still.

Jazz's powers of persuasion were even greater than Edward's, or maybe I was just that pathetic, because he had me walking back to the ICU with him, his arm wrapped around my shoulders in support, before I could object to it.

In truth, I wanted to be there for Alice; the only thing I was sure of was that I couldn't go back into that room.

Esme sat with me on a chair beside the nurse's station as Jazz joined Alice. Esme reached out and gently took my hand, and again I almost flinched. But she had an incredible soothing effect over me, and as she squeezed my hand tenderly I began to relax into the chair, allowing myself to calm.

"It's okay to feel this way, Bella. It's completely understandable," she spoke gently to me, her blue-green eyes so much like Edward's, but so different at the same time.

"I'm sorry. I let him down. I let Alice down. . ." I inhaled back a flood of shameful tears and looked down at the warm hand that held onto mine.

"Of course you didn't. Alice told me about your close friend in Australia. I hope you don't mind?" she asked softly her eyes penetrating like Edward's only with tenderness and compassion.

I shook my head, no.

"I can only imagine what it must be like for you to have another friend in the same situation. So please don't beat yourself up, Bella."

I nodded lightly, contemplating her words. Was Edward even my friend? Was he more? Less . . . ?

I didn't know what I felt any more, just that where Edward was concerned, I felt a whole lot of it.

. . .

An hour later, Alice, Jazz and I were sitting in the small courtyard just off the hospital cafe. We sat basking in the very rare presence of sunshine, drinking disgusting hospital filtered coffee and eating hot chips—fries!

The temperature was still below what I was used to in the Australian winter months, but I still found myself longing for the clouds and rain again. I needed no reminders of Australia at the moment, and the rain in Forks was constant, dependable.

Alice and Jazz sat with their chairs angled towards each other, sitting as close as they could possibly get, with their arms entwined around one another. Alice was smiling as she tilted her head towards the sky.

"He's going to be fine. I know in my soul he is," she whispered and closed her eyes dropping her head further back.

Jazz leaned in to kiss her at the base of her throat, murmuring something unintelligible into her skin, before I looked hastily away.

As they slopped over one another for several more minutes, I took a moment to contemplate seeing Edward. I felt defeated. The panic had all but dissipated and what I was left with was shame. I'd barely managed five minutes with him before I'd fled the room. I had become more pathetic since living in Forks than I had been in Australia.

When I focused my attention back to Alice and Jazz, Alice was already gazing at me, her eyes full of compassion and understanding. "Bella, you did okay. You faced your demons and you made it to see Edward."

I flashed her a warm, grateful smile, but it was fleeting; I felt feeble and ashamed of myself.

"I know it's a bit heavy at the moment, but maybe you can come back when he wakes up?" Alice suggested, her brows shooting up as hope shone behind her eyes.

The idea of Edward awake and off those wretched machines appealed to me so much that I felt my expression immediately respond to it. I nodded. "Sure, Alice. Definitely."

She grinned back at me broadly just seconds before my heart reacted adversely to the idea of it. I pushed it away with irritation, but I knew it went much deeper than merely seeing Edward in ICU again. The possibility of leaving myself open to Edward again was beginning to scare me above and beyond his current condition.

. . .

Feeling flustered and slightly over heated from being in the company of Alice and Jazz for three hours, I found myself almost looking forward to the virtual innocence of my Sunday dose of Nessie and Jake. All they did was kiss, but Jazz and Alice had absolutely no shame whatsoever. Jazz had actually grabbed Alice's breast openly, with me sitting half a foot from her.

I was beginning to understand why Edward always appeared so irritated around the two of them.

Alice walked me to my front door before hugging me tightly.

"Thanks for coming today, Bella," she whispered, her tone full of warmth. Her eyes were bright with optimism now and the feeling they emanated was infectious.

I nodded, returning her smile. "It helped a lot, and I'm really glad Edward is doing so well."

"Don't give up hope with Kel, Bella. She is beginning to improve too." Her voice dropped tenderly.

My eyes welled with tears before I could prevent them, and nodding again, I looked down to hastily wipe them away.

When I met her gaze again she was smiling at me sadly, before it hinted towards mischief. "I'm sorry about the peep show too."

I smirked at her teasingly. "You are not."

She chuckled before her expression piqued seriously. "Emmett and I probably won't be at school for a few days, but you can hang with Rose?"

I nodded, but the idea made me a little uneasy. I liked Rose but I wasn't entirely comfortable around her yet.

"I'll call you tomorrow, Als," I said, masking my apprehension behind the genuine affection I felt for her.

. . .

The moment I walked into school the next morning I knew something was immediately wrong. People were staring, and since it had been a couple of months since I was the weird speaking new girl, I was curious more than anything.

Jake and I were running late, and by the time I pulled to a stop in the parking lot, the bell had already sounded for first period; I had to practically run to homeroom. When I arrived, I burst through the door out of breath, so I expected everyone to stare at me; still, the way they stared unnerved me, and as I entered, a hush of silence fell over the room.

After five minutes of sitting at my desk, I was well and truly inundated by paranoia. Either that or every pair of eyes in the room were fixated on me. Since I hadn't had time to take off my jacket, I shrunk into it, pulling the collar up to hide behind as I convinced myself I was being ridiculous. Only, when I braved a glance around the room a moment later, it only validated the fact that I wasn't being ridiculous at all. Everyone was staring at me—more than that, they were glaring.

Feeling further exposed, I shrunk deeper into my jacket and kept my eyes down. That is, until I overheard Edward's name being spoken among the hushed voices.

I immediately straightened up in my chair, before inclining my head subconsciously to eavesdrop. They were definitely talking about Edward. Gossiping about his accident, no doubt, I speculated, just as a cold chill ran up my spine.

They blamed me for his accident.

But how could they know?

I was in the midst of deliberating this, when my eyes inadvertently caught Jessica Stanley's. She was openly scowling at me, and immediately the image of her and Edward at the party Saturday night replayed in my mind. I glared back at her, feeling my cheeks flame red hot as anger instantly flared to the surface.

Inevitably it didn't last, before I tore my eyes from hers agitated at myself and my sudden reaction.

I was jealous I realised, becoming flustered, as my face prickled with mortification.

But I couldn't control it, because what I'd unintentionally witnessed Saturday night would haunt me for a very long time. Not only was Edward grabbing her breasts, but she'd had both her hands down the front of his jeans.

. . .

As it turned, out Homeroom was only a prelude of what was to come. The halls afterward, as I walked to first period became the precipice. Apparently my Homeroom class was not the only ones who were taking an exception to me, but most of the population of Forks High School were, as well. I was used to this amount of hostility, but not even seventeen years as Renee's daughter could have prepared me for this. I was shoved sideways, spilling my books all over the floor that were then kicked up and down the lengths of the hall. I only stood unmoving, unsure how to react, having decided that my English book had become collateral damage, as I was gibed with "loser" signs and called names I'd only ever heard before from my mother; "whore" being the most common one.

"Way to kill Cullen, you skank!" someone hollered from behind me.

Kill Cullen?

My heart immediately froze.

Edward was dead?

Feeling the blood drain from my face, I turned on my heel and raced past all the condemnation. I found myself hiding in a bathroom stall, trying desperately to prevent my tears from overflowing, while refusing to acknowledge that any of the rumours were true.

If something had happened to Edward, I'd find out. Billy would tell me, Alice would call. . .

Sitting on the toilet, I hastily pulled myself together long enough to grab my iPhone from my bag, before with violently trembling hands, I sent Alice a message.

Hi, Alice, how is Edward?

Roughly thirty seconds or so later, the ridiculous song that Jake insisted be my message alert, sounded. Mechanically, I clicked it open, and gazed down at it. My mind was so completely shrouded in fear, that for a moment my eyes didn't recognise what I was reading.

Hey Bella, he's improving with every minute. He has a bit of color back, too. Thanks so much for the txt, you're so sweet.

I was instantly flooded with relief, before my thoughts once more returned to what was waiting for me outside the bathroom.

How could they know? I wondered.

Unless they could see into my tortured, guilt ridden psyche, that is.

I eventually dragged myself pitifully from the bathroom and took myself to the office. Having missed half of first period I was forced to explain why I'd spent it hiding in the toilets. My meek excuse was that I was feeling unwell. It was a half-truth at least; my anxiety levels were so high I was beginning to feel terrible.

The kind office lady, who'd seen more of me in the last few weeks than probably most of the students in all their years of attendance—and obviously suspecting my lack of adjustment with equal amounts of pity and empathy, as if Forks High was the cause of all her woes too—offered to send me home. I almost agreed, my cowardice knowing no boundaries, but as I contemplated it, my back straightened in defiance.

If I went home, it would only validate the rumours about me.

Second period proved no different from homeroom. I had only been in my seat for no more than ten minutes when the stares began to penetrate my resolve to stay strong, and keep my head held high. I felt exposed, as if each and every person in the room could read my mind and see what I could barely admit to myself; that Edward's accident was completely my fault.

I'd had the perfect opportunity to set him straight Friday afternoon. Instead, I'd become immediately defensive by his behaviour, and I did not like confrontations. I'd turned my back on him and walked away, with the most incomprehensible look of betrayal in his eyes.

He believed I was seeing Mike Newton, and I'd let him believe it.

Halfway through the lesson, after being subjected to projectiles in the form of pieces of eraser for the most part, I noticed a note was being passed around the room; passing through every snickering pair of hands, before landing in front of me. I picked it up, ignoring my better instincts to ignore it, and unfolded it, as the muffled snickering stepped up a notch.

Cont…

A/N: Bella . . . with the self-hatred. . .