"Jude?"
Connor slowly picked his head up off the arm of the couch, letting the blanket fall as he sat up. He'd been staring at the end screen of the movie for about five minutes and it was unlike Jude. Connor pulled the blanket back up around his shoulders seeing that Jude was asleep against the couch and, doing his best not to disturb the slumbering boy, Connor slowly turned so that his legs were up on the couch and he was facing Jude. Connor wondered how long he'd been like that. He'd spent most of the movie in funk, trying to get over what had happened at the door. Jude hadn't done anything; logically he knew that. When he tried to sort through it in his head, Connor couldn't get over the fear of seeing Jude's hand move toward him. Connor had been so convinced that he'd been about to get hit. It hadn't happened in months; Adam would never and Jude would never. Connor knew that. He just wished that he could control it. He wished that the logical part of his brain was the only one that he listened to. He didn't want to be scared of Jude.
Connor pulled the blanket around his shoulders and held it closed, watching Jude as he slept. Jude wasn't someone to be afraid of. Jude was gentle and kind and quite possibly the sweetest person that Connor had ever heard of, let alone met. Connor didn't deserve Jude's consideration. He didn't deserve any of it. Connor didn't understand why Jude would want to be friends with him, let alone like him. There were other people who would treat Jude better and who were certainly better than Connor was. It didn't make sense that Jude would want to spend time with him. He couldn't even say for sure whether or not he liked Jude yet; he was still trying to figure that out.
Jude stretched in his sleep and then his smooth face turned into a wince. He sat up slowly, rolling his shoulders. He opened his dark eyes and he smiled when he saw Connor.
"Sorry I fell asleep," he said, his voice raspy with exhaustion.
"It's okay. You were tired."
"How was the comedian?"
"He was all right. I wasn't paying a lot of attention." Connor fiddled with the edge of the blanket. "I'm sorry a-about what h-happened … at the door."
"Not your fault. I know that. It takes time to work through what you did. You're trying and it's amazing. I really do think you're amazing."
Connor couldn't look up Jude anymore. He could feel his cheeks start to warm and Jude hadn't even said anything really complimentary.
"I'm never going to hit you, Connor."
"What if you want to?"
"I don't want to."
"What if I do something really wrong? What if I hurt you? What if …" Connor felt his tongue stall out and no more words were coming to him. Even to his own ears, it sounded like he was explaining to Jude why he deserved to be hit and he knew, now, that he didn't deserve it. "What if?"
"That's not a reason to hurt you. If you did something really wrong and hurt me, then I'd be upset. I'd tell you. I wouldn't hit you. That's not what people do."
Connor pulled the edge of the blanket up over his nose.
"I'm sorry, Connor. I don't know what to say to help you."
Connor bit down on his lip, watching Jude shake his head. He didn't want Jude to feel like this. Connor was the frustrating one. Connor was the one at fault for everything. Jude was doing everything he could. Connor knew that. He paused, letting the right words come to him. They never did. Connor didn't know the right words or how to navigate anything.
"I'm just happy you're here."
That elicited a small smile from Jude and that was what meant most to Connor.
"I'm happy you're here," was Jude's response.
"How's your back?" Connor asked.
"Freezing." Jude pulled the ice pack free. "I'm going to put this back in the freezer. Want anything while I'm up?"
"Maybe a drink," Connor said.
"I have water or iced tea."
"Iced tea, please."
Connor leant against the back of the couch and watched Jude walk to the kitchen. There was a wall in the way of some of his sight line and he could only hear Jude clanking around glasses. Then, he was back. When he handed Connor his glass, Connor made sure to brush his fingers against Jude's. Everything was all right.
"You don't need to do that because you think it'll make me happy," Jude said, catching Connor off guard.
"I … I wasn't … I wanted to touch you."
It was such a hard thing to admit. Connor wasn't allowed to say things like that. Connor had always been told when kissing and sex and any kind of touching would happen. It wasn't okay for him to ask for it or for him to want to cuddle up. Those were always on someone else's terms.
"I just wanted to make sure you knew that."
"When I'm myself I know that." Connor shook his head. "That didn't make any sense."
"And yet, I think I understood it." Jude put his glass down on the coffee table. "Does this mean that we can cuddle now or is that too much?"
"Try," Connor said, holding out his hand for Jude.
He went to move, to pull his legs off the couch and sit up, but Jude surprised him by moving a bit faster. Jude had tucked himself between the back of the couch and Connor's body, his arm slung over Connor's waist and his head against his chest.
"Is this okay?"
"Uh, I think so."
"Let me know if it's not."
Connor felt the pressure of Jude's weight against his side as Jude relaxed against him. Connor waited for the fear and panic to hit him, but it didn't come. This wasn't a trap. This was Jude. He took a few deep breaths as Jude reached across him and picked up the remote from the coffee table.
"Lazy movie Sundays are good Sundays," Jude said.
His breath was warm against Connor's stomach.
"C-c-can I, um, t-touch you?" Connor asked.
"Touch me? What do you mean?"
"Like, just … hair or your back or … like that."
"Oh. Yeah, sure. You know," Jude said, tilting his neck back at what looked to be a very uncomfortable angle, "I ask you because I know you're uncomfortable with physical contact and I don't want to make that worse but, honestly, I don't mind being touched. I know you don't even want to touch me how I don't want to, so … It's not that big of a deal if you just put your hand on my back or something."
Connor squinted at him. He didn't want to get this wrong. He didn't know what would happen if he misunderstood. "What do you mean by how you don't want to be touched?"
"Neither of us wants to get close to the sex thing right now, right?"
"Oh." Connor exhaled quickly. "No. Not at all."
"I'm not saying asking permission is bad. It's actually cute, especially before you kiss me. But this is … blanket consent for little things. Okay?"
"I don't know how well I can follow that rule," Connor admitted.
"It's not a rule. Just a suggestion. If you want to keep asking, it's not a big deal." Jude put his head back down on Connor's chest. "What should we watch? Rom-com? Horror? Kids movie?"
"Anything."
Connor hesitantly touched his fingers to the top of Jude's head, feeling the silky strands of his brown hair flatten under his hand. He took his hand through the short strands of Jude's hair, down over his neck and across his shoulders. Connor got as far as the middle of Jude's spine and then worked his way back up, this time touching Jude's stomach where it met with his own body and then across the arm that was holding onto the remote. Jude didn't seem to pay him any attention, except for when Connor accidentally blocked his view of the movie titles, and that only earnt Connor a joking, "You make a better wall than a window."
Connor settled on keeping his arm down the length of Jude's back, curling his hand around Jude's waist.
"Would you hate a horror movie?'
"Um, I –"
Connor stopped as Jude's phone began to ring on the coffee table.
"Do you mind?" Jude asked. "It's Taylor."
Connor went to sit up but Jude let out a whine. "I didn't mean move. I meant, be okay with me talking."
"Oh, sure."
Connor relaxed back against the couch and Jude put his head back down, answering the phone and promptly putting it on speaker.
"Behave, Taylor," Jude said, returning his phone to the coffee table.
"Why? You're not still at home."
The woman's voice on the other end was on the high end, but Connor didn't find her unpleasant to listen to.
"You're on speaker."
"With who?" She sounded suspicious.
"Connor is here," Jude said.
Connor felt Jude's grip on his waist tighten momentarily.
"Wait … like … Connor, Connor?"
"I only know one."
"And he can hear me?"
Feeling extremely awkward, Connor said, "Um, hello."
"Oh my God! You're real!"
"Taylor!" Jude exclaimed. "I wasn't lying to you!"
"I know. It's just nice for confirmation. Hi, I'm Taylor."
"I'm Connor."
"I know!" she said brightly. "So, Jude, I found a small motel like … six blocks away from your place. Is it gross?"
"There's a motel near me?"
Taylor sighed. "Yes, Jude."
"Hmm. Well, I can find it and check on it."
"I'll text you the address," Taylor said. "But we could definitely hold it there. We could rent out a couple of rooms. It doesn't look gross online and a lot of reviews said it was decent so I called and you can definitely get adjoining rooms so if everyone pitched in for two adjoining ones then that would be a lot better than your place."
"Yeah, yeah," Jude said. "So long as we didn't have an overload of people."
"We won't. Are you going to spend Halloween with us, Connor?"
"Oh. Um, I don't know yet."
"I hope you do," Taylor said. "I'd like to meet you in person. Jude talks about you a lot."
"H-he does?"
"Taylor," Jude whined.
"What? It's true!"
"How's Daria?" Jude said.
"Oh. Well, she went to the doctor. And she has until November tenth to make her decision, just so that she can be sure everything is done on time, you know what I mean?" Taylor asked.
"Yeah. Has she told Thomas yet?"
Connor blinked and went back to playing with Jude's hair. They were talking about people he didn't know and things he didn't understand and, even though Connor knew they weren't doing it on purpose, it still stirred unease inside of him. He knew that they weren't intentionally keeping him out of the loop. He was just new to Jude's life and it would take some time before he was introduced to everyone and before he understood most things. Connor wondered if Jude would keep him around that long.
"She's just driving me crazy with the way that she is," Taylor said. "I need her to sort it out soon."
"She will."
Taylor sighed. "You don't live with her. She's still planning on coming to see you on Halloween so I guess that we'll see."
"It'll be all right, Taylor."
"Mhm," she mused. "Anyway, go and actually look at the motel so we can start putting things together, okay? That was all I was calling about."
"Okay, will do."
"It was nice talking to you, Connor."
"Oh." He startled. He'd only said about three words to her. "You too."
"I'll let you get back to what you were doing!"
"Taylor!"
"I behaved, I behaved! Don't give me that tone, Judicorn!"
"Taylor!"
"Bye!"
Jude groaned as he reached over and locked his phone screen. "I hate it when she calls me that."
"Oh. Why?"
Jude put his head back down on Connor's chest, his arm curling around Connor's side. Connor felt goosebumps erupt on his arms as Jude lazily brushed his thumb against Connor's ribs.
"Mariana calls me that. She has for … almost as long as I've known her. It's only from Mariana that I like it. But Taylor and I've been friends long enough that she's heard Mariana say it and so, sometimes, when she's teasing me or really trying to be annoying, she pulls it out."
"Oh. You don't seem mad," Connor observed. If Jude hid his anger that well, then Connor would never be able to navigate knowing him.
"Because I'm not. Can you go back to playing with my hair? I liked that."
Connor returned his hand to Jude's head, running his fingers through Jude's hair. "I don't understand."
"It's a little annoying but Taylor doesn't do it all the time. She just pulls it out when she's trying to make a point. It's like when I call her adorable. I'm trying to get on her nerves but it's not a serious thing. Like, I'm not trying to make her angry. We're just teasing."
"Making someone upset on purpose doesn't make sense."
Jude let out a little sigh and Connor immediately felt bad. It wasn't Jude's fault Connor didn't understand.
"Taylor and I are friends," Jude said. "I understand why she says and does the things that she does. It's an understanding that we have."
"I guess I see."
Emotions like that shouldn't be so alien to him. He should be able to instantly see how the threads of friendship were tied and it shouldn't be up to Jude to explain his relationships to Connor. Connor didn't have to understand Jude's relationships at all.
"I won't call you Judicorn," Connor added, and it made Jude laugh.
"Thanks for that. You don't have any weird nicknames, do you?"
"Nope. My parents always called me 'Connor'. And … and so did he except sometimes he'd call me names. S-s-sometimes th-they'd be gay slurs and th-those h-hurt most because he was g-gay too and I n-never understood. Other names I understood."
Jude went still in his arms and Connor wondered if he'd said too much. He wouldn't blame Jude if he didn't like Connor talking about it. He couldn't imagine that it was nice to hear the person you were interested in talking about someone else or talking about a past so hard to hear about.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why he'd call you any names at all." Jude gently rubbed Connor's side, and Connor took comfort from it. "I'll just call you Connor … unless I think of something really great."
"Okay." He was a little bit glad that Jude didn't make a big deal out of it.
"You don't mind that I talked to Taylor about you, do you?"
"No," Connor said. "If I had a friend, I'd talk to you about them too."
"Well, I'm your friend. You can talk to me about me." Jude turned on Connor's chest so that his arms were on him but that Jude's head was up so they were looking at one another. Jude had a sly grin on his face.
"I think … I'll talk to my dad and my therapist about you."
"But I want to know what you think of me!" Jude said brightly.
"You know what I think of you," Connor replied. "At least, as well as I know."
"You like me."
Connor nodded. "Yeah. I do. I'm sorry that it's hard for me."
"I know. But I don't think you need to be sorry. I am more than happy to be like this," Jude said, and he was back against Connor's chest, snuggling against the buttons on his shirt. "You're worth it."
"How do you know?" Connor murmured.
He didn't want to dissuade Jude from liking him. He wanted Jude to but it seemed unbelievable to him that a happy, secure man would want him. He and Dr. Scott had talked, over and over again, about why Connor's ex had chosen him; about how vulnerable he had been and how his ex was a predator about it. It made sense to Connor why his last boyfriend had wanted to make Connor his. He didn't understand why Jude would bother.
Jude shrugged. "Just do."
It wasn't really a satisfactory answer but there wasn't much that Connor could say about it.
"I'm not squishing you, am I?"
"No."
"Ready for the movie?"
"Uh. Sure." Connor glanced at the screen. "It doesn't look all that scary for a horror movie."
"That's because it's a bad horror movie," Jude explained.
"And you want to watch a bad movie?"
"Bad movies are an adventure. C'mon, Connor, say yes to the adventure."
"Yes," Connor said.
"There's a reason why I like you!" Jude said.
Connor ran his hand slowly through Jude's hair again. There was something fascinating about the way that Jude actually enjoyed this touch. Connor was sure that he'd be so scared his heart would stop if Jude got anywhere near his face or neck. Yet here Jude was just, relaxing further and further against him.
"Are you warm?"
"Warm? Uh, not really," Connor answered. Jude's apartment was always on the cool end of the temperature range.
"Good. Horror movies require blankets to keep you safe from monsters. It's a rule."
"Is this a new rule?" Connor asked him.
"I didn't make it up while I was in line at the cookie place, if that's what you're asking," Jude said.
"Something like that."
Connor held still as Jude drew the plaid blanket up over the two of them, the creepy sounds of the opening score already filling the apartment. He waited for the feeling of entrapment and fear but it just wasn't there. There was safety in the blanket and there was safety in Jude. Having Jude lying down against him gave a strange feeling of control. He felt much better than if he'd been against Jude's chest. It was the spot that he'd always been forced into and he hated it now in ways that he couldn't quite articulate. He never wanted to be held again the way that his last boyfriend had held him. He didn't want Jude to hold him that way. Jude was so different. Connor didn't want any reminders. He didn't want any parallels. He wanted to be okay here with Jude.
"This rule is older than we are," Jude said. "Horror movies require blankets so that people don't get eaten by the horror movie monsters."
Connor laughed at that. "I'll remember that the next time I feel like I'm in a horror movie."
His smile faded as he realized what he had said. He'd been in situations before that had terrified him and he knew that a blanket would have spared him.
"Are you okay?" Jude asked. "You feel tense."
"Mind wandered."
"Need me to move?" Jude offered.
Connor tightened his arms around Jude. "No, it's okay. I like you were you are."
Jude flopped a little further across Connor. Connor tilted forward just the tiniest bit and kissed the back of Jude's head. He reached his hand up to rest on Jude's shoulder and then he turned his head to watch the movie. It was more of a cheap kind of thriller, where the movie makers had decided that gore was the way to keep the attention of their audience. There wasn't a lot of jump scares, which Connor appreciated. He could usually tell what was coming. There was one moment where a girl's arm was ripped off by the killer and Jude and Connor cringed into one another.
"If I have to hear that noise again, I'm going to throw up," Jude complained.
"Agreed."
Jude looked up. "Oh, I think the other one's about to – Yup!"
He hid his head down into Connor's shoulder and Connor turned his back on the TV and faced Jude. They cuddled together as the disgusting, wet, ripping sound filled the apartment again, followed by a scream that was laughably fake. The juxtaposition between the two was so mind boggling that Connor wasn't sure how to feel. Jude looked up at him, his nose bumping against Connor's jawline.
"Sorry," Jude said.
"Don't worry about it. It's … it's your hands being close to my face that I d-don't like."
"But I can put my hand here?"
Connor nodded as Jude's hand rested high on his ribs.
"I'd really like to kiss you right now," Jude said softly.
"Okay."
Connor put his arm around to Jude's back and pulled Jude slightly toward him. He felt a bubble of something that felt like excitement and fear in his stomach. There was something about laying like this that felt intimate and, perhaps, too close. But he wanted to kiss Jude and, like every time before this, there was the strangeness of wanting to kiss someone. It had been a chore and a necessity before; Connor had never had a choice or a say in kissing or anything else – whether it was how or when it happened. It had been very early on in his last relationship where kissing had stopped being just simple kissing and had turned into something sinister. With Jude, it was light. It was good. Connor wanted to kiss him. Connor liked kissing him. Jude's lips were soft and he was sweet and the past wasn't at the forefront of Connor's mind when Jude was close.
Connor pressed his forehead to Jude's. "I like you."
"I like you too," Jude replied.
"It worries me," Connor confessed.
"Why?"
"W-wh-what if I only like you because you're the opposite of him?"
Jude met his eyes for a moment and then he closed them. Connor felt a heavy ball form in his stomach, but Jude didn't push him away. Jude gripped a handful of Connor's t-shirt and let out a long breath.
"I thought about that, actually."
"S-so you think that's it?"
That bothered Connor more than he thought it should.
"Only you can know, Connor. I can't tell you that. I hope that's not it. I mean, I don't want to remind you of your ex. I do want to be the opposite of that person for you. I really like you. You know that. I still want to be your friend if you don't like me back, but what I want is for you to like me too. I'm willing to be right here until you sort it out." Jude let out another breath. "So, what do you think?"
"I think there's a lot wrong with me."
"But you're working on it." Jude's eyes popped open. "I'm proud of you for that."
"I think I see you as more than just his opposite."
"I like the sound of that."
"I … I'd like to kiss you too."
Connor slowly leant up on his elbow, staring down at Jude. Jude smiled at him and gently tugged at the side of his shirt and Connor could feel Jude's fingers move near the front of his stomach. Connor knew what was just under Jude's hand, hidden by his thin t-shirt. He knew that Jude couldn't feel it but Connor knew and he subtly shifted himself so that Jude's hand was somewhere else. He didn't want to have to explain to Jude.
"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.
"You don't look like him," Connor said and then he bit down on his lip. "I didn't mean to tell you that … sometimes it's just easy to tell you things."
"I'm glad for that … For both of those things, I guess."
"You sound strange about it."
"I'm happy you can tell me things. I want you to feel as safe with me as I do with you."
Connor kissed him on the forehead for that. When he looked at Jude again, he looked a little happier.
"Is there a but to that?" Connor asked.
"A little," Jude murmured. "I just wondered how much you think of him when you're hanging out with me."
Connor shook his head. "No, no, no, I –"
"I didn't mean to sound accusing. I know you're working through it. I know it's natural to think about and compare. But I just … is it selfish to say that I want to be on your mind? More than … No, it is dumb."
"You're on my mind. You're really on my mind. You're right, I compare. But I like this a lot better. And … I think that when I get used to it and this and us, when we do this more, I won't compare as much. Does that make sense?"
Jude nodded. "We're going to do this more then?"
"I hope so."
"So, what did he look like?"
"Oh. He, um, you're sh-shorter than h-him. And, um, h-he was blond and … you're paler. He worked out a lot s-so h-he was really muscular."
"More than you?" Jude asked.
"I'm not muscular at all."
Jude reached up and wrapped one of his hands around Connor's tensed bicep. "Uh … I don't want to doubt you but are you sure?"
"I don't feel it."
"I'd like to feel it," Jude said immediately. Then, he started laughing at himself. "Later, I mean. When we're comfortable. I'm sorry, I think that was supposed to be an inside thought."
Jude was still laughing and Connor felt safe enough to laugh too.
"He had brown eyes too," Connor said. "Yours are lighter. I like this colour better."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Connor murmured. "You're warmer."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
Connor shifted again so that his chest was pressed more into Jude's and then he tilted his face closer. "Can I kiss you now?"
Jude was kissing him. Jude was kissing him and every time he did, Connor liked it a little bit more. He left Jude's hand ball into his t-shirt and Connor surprised himself by putting one arm on the other side of Jude and pulling him a little closer. Jude had one hand on Connor's lower back and though it was far from an intense make-out session, the short kiss left Connor breathless. He nervously sat up, moving away from Jude and toward the opposite side of the couch that he usually sat on.
"Are you okay?" Jude asked anxiously, slowly sitting himself up.
"I just … I need a little room to breathe."
He felt so much for Jude and some of it he didn't understand. And when he had opened his eyes, it wasn't Jude that he had saw for the briefest moment. It was the face with thick eyebrows and a pointed nose; the face that Connor had woken up to every day for over five years. It was the face that Connor never wanted to see again. He didn't know what would happen if he ever did.
"That's okay." Jude tucked his legs closer to himself.
"How's your back feeling?"
"It's all right. A little stiff but I'll be like that for a few days." Jude shrugged. "I'll survive. Don't worry about me."
"You worry about people you care about, right?" Connor hesitated. "Well, reasonably."
"Yeah, exactly. I don't think lecture seats will be exactly comfortable tomorrow though."
"Bring your ice pack to class?" Connor suggested.
"Or skip and spend the day in bed," Jude replied.
Connor put his chin on his knees and put the blanket back around him. "You'd skip?"
"After Kroger's lecture."
Connor glanced up at Jude, who had a heated look in his eye and a smile on his face.
"I'm kind of attached to that lecture."
"Kroger's a great lecturer."
"I get kind of distracted in their class."
Connor held the blanket tight. "You're flirting."
"Trying to. I don't have much experience with it." Jude grinned happily. "How am I doing?"
"I like it. So it must not be too bad."
"I'll keep trying then," Jude promised.
"Wait," Connor said.
"Hmm?"
"Didn't you tell me you had an ex?" Connor asked. "Didn't you … flirt with him?"
"Yeah, a little. But that relationship wasn't like our relationship. We knew each other way before we thought about being a couple. But … the first time I saw you, it was totally different."
"First time you saw me?" Connor was almost scared to ask.
"Tongue tied." Jude closed his eyes and sighed, but not in a sad or fed up way, but in a good-hearted way of giving in. "I might as well tell you this before you meet Taylor because she'll definitely make sure to tell you this."
"I don't understand."
"I … might have monologued to Taylor about how hot you were after the first day of class."
The only thing that came into Connor's head was, "'Monologued' isn't a word."
Jude snickered. "I know, I know. I … just thought you were hot and Taylor and I had that conversation for the next two days until I talked to you in lecture. And then I knew your name so we used that and talked about the same thing. I'm … kind of embarrassed to admit it."
"Is that why you talked to me?"
"Because of how you look?" Jude clarified and Connor nodded. "I, um, yeah. It's shallow and I know that but … you aren't exactly hard to look at, Connor."
"You like how I look?"
"Bats like how you look," Jude said passionately. "It's not the reason that I'm still talking to you. But, um, you're hot, handsome, beautiful, all the words."
"Oh."
"Haven't you ever looked in a mirror?" Jude asked.
"I … My opinion doesn't matter."
"Yes it does."
Connor didn't have a response to that. He tucked his head down on his knees, unable to look up. Jude thought he was good looking. He didn't think Connor was too short or too skinny or his hair was too long or there was something wrong with him. Jude had said hot. And handsome. And beautiful. Connor almost wanted to get up and walk into Jude's bathroom, just to stare at himself in the mirror. Those three words wouldn't erase everything else that had ever been said to them but Jude wasn't a liar and Connor wanted to stare at himself to see a glimmer of what Jude saw. He looked up at Jude and he knew he needed to get the conversation away from himself.
"I think you're cute," Connor said.
"I know." Jude beamed. "You told me before."
"So you don't want to hear it again. Okay."
"Wait, I didn't say that!"
Connor held the side of his blanket open. "You look cold."
They both knew that Jude looked nothing of the sort, but Connor was happy to put his arm around Jude's shoulders.
"Will you tell me about your ex?" Connor asked.
"Sure. There's not a lot to tell. We met in tenth grade and were dating by the end of the year. His name is Dylan. We liked the same movies and the same music. We dated until the summer before first year of university. He moved away to go to art school and I came here. We decided that it wasn't worth it for us to try and do a long distance relationship. We loved each other but not in the way where we knew we were going to grow up and get married." Jude shrugged. "There's a lot more I could say but I don't know what you want to know."
"You did love him?"
"Sure."
"What was your relationship like?"
"Friends with a lot of kissing," Jude said. "That's basically the best way to describe it. We mostly hung out with groups or at his place. I liked watching him paint. He painted me a few times, which was a little bit awkward. For our graduation, he did a painted version of my grad photo. Moms still have that one hanging up in the house. We're usually back for Christmas at the same time and so he, Taylor, Daria, a few other people, and I will go out for dinner or something. He wasn't back over the summer, though, so I haven't seen him since last Christmas."
"Oh."
Jude propped his feet up on the coffee table. "Dylan was really nice. We had fun together. Honestly, I was the insecure one in our relationship."
"You? Why?"
"I'm not a really insecure person … anymore. But in that relationship I was because I knew that Dylan wanted to have sex but I really didn't. I thought that he'd find someone who was ready for that. He didn't, because he loved me too, but that was the one thing for us."
"Who won?"
"It wasn't a fight, per se. It was just the thing that came up the most. We never had sex, if that's what you mean."
"Oh."
"Oh," Jude echoed. "What's that mean?"
"So … I mean …" Connor didn't know how to ask but he knew that he would be more uncomfortable if he didn't ask. Jude liked him to be comfortable and that thought gave him the strength to say, "So when did you have sex?"
"Haven't," Jude answered casually. "You're the first person I've kissed since Dylan."
"What?" Connor pulled his arm away from Jude's shoulders and stood up.
"What?" Jude sat up straight. "What … What's going on? What just happened?"
Connor backed away from Jude slowly, over to where he had left his bag and his shoes. "I want to go home."
"Okay …" Jude stood up slowly. "Um, let me just grab my keys."
"No, no, I'm going to walk. It's okay."
"It's a bit of a walk."
"I'm fine, I'm fine."
"Okay. I – I guess I'll see you."
"Bye."
Connor shut Jude's door and started down the street as quickly as he could walk without actually breaking into a run. Connor had known, likely from the very first time that he and Jude had spoken, that Jude was a far better person that Connor had ever been and ever would be. He was a sweet, stable man with his life together. Jude had integrity; Jude was special. Jude had a way of making Connor feel like Connor wasn't quite the destroyed person that Connor saw himself as. Connor didn't think he deserved someone like Jude in his life but Connor had thought that, slowly, he would get to be okay with the fact that Jude wanted to know him. Connor hadn't thought that he was taking something from Jude. But now Connor knew that he couldn't let Jude and him get any closer. Jude had never had sex. Jude had never been hurt. Jude's last relationship had been a good relationship. It wasn't right for Connor to put himself in Jude's life or in Jude's arms. Not with Connor's past being what it was.
Sweat broke out on Connor's brow and his stomach twisted as he walked, his feelings shattering inside of him. He wanted Jude but he couldn't do this to Jude. He knew he cared enough about Jude to stay away. He felt like he was going to throw up as he reached the edge of campus, flashing back to the first time he had sex. There had been pain, so much pain, as he'd been pinned between his boyfriend and the mattress and he hadn't been able to think beyond it, even as his ex had been murmuring in his ear how good it was. It hadn't been good. Connor had been naïve about sex, and even more naïve about gay sex, but he knew that there wasn't supposed to be that much blood. And Connor had cried. Connor hadn't been ready for it but he knew that his ex had been. At that point, Connor had still been in the first blushes of love. He hadn't known any better. He hadn't known how the relationship would become. He was just with his boyfriend, who cared about him, who seemed to accept him for who he was and that had been important to Connor, as his mother had just died and his father had just rejected him.
He made it back to his dorm building and he bolted up the stairs, racing into his room. He quickly checked that the doors and windows were locked and that he was alone and then he grabbed a blanket and shoved himself into the small space between his kitchen counter and the wall. He pulled the blanket up over himself and tried to hide from the world. He wrapped his arms tightly around his torso, trying to get his shaking under control.
Everything was fine, everything was fine, everything was fine.
The chapter's title is after the song Done You Wrong by Aaron Pritchett. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~