Connor wasn't in class.
Jude sat in his usual spot but Connor always beat him here. It remained empty. Jude spent most of the lecture scanning the seats, looking for Connor's familiar shade of light brown hair. He couldn't see him. He couldn't find him. It rubbed Jude the wrong way because he had no idea what had happened yesterday. It couldn't be because he was a virgin. Jude refused to accept that. Sex, to him, was not really a big deal. People had it or they didn't; people did what they liked. Jude had never had sex, not for lack of curiousity or attraction to his ex, or from fear of the act itself. He just had never felt like he'd been ready to have it and he didn't see anything wrong with that.
He hadn't thought Connor would be the type of person who would see something wrong with that.
When class let out, Jude called Connor. He didn't know if Connor was going to answer or not.
"Hello," Connor said.
"I want to talk to you."
"I … I don't … don't think you should."
"I don't know what that means, Connor. I thought we were friends."
Connor was silent and Jude wished that he could see his face.
"I don't understand," Jude said. "Can we have lunch today and just talk about it? I won't push you any more than that."
"I … Um. Okay."
"Where are you?"
"In my room."
"I'll meet you in front of the dorms, okay?"
"Okay."
Ten minutes later, Connor was standing in front of him but Connor was refusing to look at him. He stared down at his feet while Jude stared at him.
"Let's sit," Jude proposed.
There was a small field to the left of the nano dorms, on the opposite side that the parking lot was. The field was unpopulated, as most of the students were currently in classes. He and Connor found a spot underneath a large tree, but Connor made sure that there was a huge gap between them. Jude's heart sunk. Whatever had been blossoming between he and Connor had died yesterday. Jude could accept it, he thought, if he knew why.
"I don't understand why you left yesterday. I thought we were just talking. If you thought that we were moving too fast, you could have said so. I thought … I thought everything we were doing was okay."
"It was. We shouldn't, um, hang out or anything anymore."
"Those two things don't make sense together," Jude pointed out. "And why 'shouldn't'?"
"I'm not good for you."
Jude sat back, affronted. "Well, first of all, you get to decide if you want to be in a relationship with me and I get to decide if I want to be in a relationship with you. You don't get to decide that I don't want to be with you, because I do. I know you're not bad for me."
"You don't understand."
"That's not my fault. I'm trying, Connor, but I'd like you to try too." Jude sighed. "If you really don't want anything to do with me because you don't want anything to do with me, that's more than fair. If you don't want anything to do with me because of your past or because you think I'm better off without you, then that's not as fair. That's something I want to talk to you about."
Connor picked a single blade of grass up and twirled it around his finger.
"And why did this hit after you found out I was a virgin?" Jude added.
"It just made me realize … th-that we're so different. Our past relationships are just …" Connor hung his head. "I'm not going to put you through being with me."
"I want to be with you. You're not some kind of a monster, Connor. You are sweet and you were hurt. That doesn't make you lesser than or unworthy. You aren't a struggle to talk to or hang out with. It's fun. I like being with you. It's not an ordeal."
"He took things from me, Jude. It's not fair to you that I can't give you things. It's not fair to you that I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I'm a whole person."
"You're a whole person. I don't need you to 'give' me anything. We can move slowly or we can just be friends, I hope you know that. And if this is about the sex thing, trust me, even if you were comfortable enough to say we're dating, it would still be a long time before I was ready to even talk about it. I'm not scared but, I don't know, I've just seen it as more of a thing that I want to be sure of. I'm not really the type of person that wants to have casual sex."
"What if I never wanted to?"
Jude studied Connor's face and decided to try and lighten the mood. "Then that's fine. My hand's been serving me well for a long time."
Jude saw a hint of laughter before Connor hid his face away in his hands.
"I know I don't understand completely what happened between you and your ex. Honestly, you could tell me everything and I know that wouldn't be comparable to living it. I know that it must have been scary. I know that a lot of it must have been uncomfortable, to say the least. I know that it wasn't what a relationship should be. You shouldn't be scared or uncomfortable. You should be able to talk to the person you're with …" Jude trailed off and shook his head. "I'm not perfect, Connor. I'm certainly not a pure person, just like you're not a dirty person for what happened to you, okay?"
"Okay."
"We can slow down if you need to. Maybe stop kissing or cuddling or what it is that's hurting you."
Connor lifted his head up. "It's the thought of hurting you that hurts me, Jude."
"You're not hurting me. I'm happy with you."
"I don't understand that."
"I don't really know how I can explain it," Jude admitted.
Connor dipped his head. "I'm sorry I ran away yesterday."
"That hurt," Jude said bluntly. "And I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it didn't."
"I don't want you to lie to me," Connor murmured.
"Then you won't lie to me either, right?"
Connor nodded. "I haven't."
"Not saying something can be a type of lying."
"That's true."
"Anything you're not saying that you want me to know?"
"Um … There's things I want you to know but I'm not ready to say yet. I just want to spend more time with you."
"We still need to do our readings," Jude said. "I don't work on Wednesday if you'd like to come over."
"Can we study in the library?"
"Yes, of course. I'll meet you at six?"
Connor nodded. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Why do you say 'yes' to me?"
"Why not? It's not like you're asking me to do something ridiculous, like pay for your tuition. Studying is going to happen. I'm not picky about where. You ask for some pretty simple stuff, Connor. No big deal."
"Oh." Connor picked another blade of grass. "How's your back?"
"It's better. I'm still a little stiff but, oh well."
"Are we okay?"
"Yeah," Jude said. "We're okay. It just hurt me that you wouldn't talk to me. It felt like you didn't respect me very much."
"Oh! No, I do. I'll be better, I promise."
"I just want you to talk to me, okay? That's all. Instead of running away."
"I won't run away."
Jude smiled at him and checked the time. "I should walk you to class."
"I'm not going to go," Connor replied.
"Why?"
"I had a bad night last night and I just … don't feel up to people today. I, um, had to call my therapist. I … I had an emergency appointment with my therapist this morning. W-we agreed that it w-was okay to take a me day if I needed to, so long as I didn't use it to hide."
"I'm sorry for bothering you, then."
"That's just it, Jude. You don't bother me. Don't you understand? That's the scariest part of you. If I had never met … my ex, then I wouldn't think twice about anything and everything with you. Even now, I get so close to just … letting go of everything with you and it scares me that I'm willing to do that. Not thinking things through, not knowing a person, was what got me in trouble before. I was a bad judge of character. I don't think you're bad but … look at how long I've known you!" Connor hid his face in his hands again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I understand. This is why you set the pace. I'm just happy to be along for the ride."
Connor tucked his knees up. "I don't understand why."
"Because you're nice and funny and interesting and cute and I like talking to you. I love how you see the world, Connor."
"But you want to date me. I can't even hold your hand sometimes."
"I like the physical stuff but that's not even close to all there is in a relationship, okay?"
"Okay. Are … are you going to class?"
"Nah, I told you yesterday. I only showed up for Kroger's lecture. I'm going to go home and stay on my couch until it's time for work."
"Going to be okay?"
"Absolutely. I'd ask you to come hang out for a few hours but I don't think that it's a good idea."
"I'm not up to it today, Jude. I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry about."
"Will you sit with me for a few more minutes?" Connor asked.
"I'll lay," Jude said, reclining in the grass. He grabbed his bag and pulled it closer to him. "Nerds?"
"Do you always have candy?" Connor asked.
"I usually grab something after a shift, yeah. Any preferences?"
"Does your store sell sour belts?"
"I think so. If we do, I'll grab you some for Wednesday."
"Oh, you don't have to."
"I want to, Connor."
"Thank you."
Jude tucked his elbows behind his head.
"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.
Jude looked into the other man's face again. "I love your eyes."
"Oh!"
"It's not fair," Jude continued. "I have to be seen in public with you and compared to you. Maybe we should just hang out at my place."
"You want to keep me inside!?" Connor squawked. Then in a more submissive way, "Oh. Okay. If that's what you want."
"No, it's not what I want. I was just trying to be funny. I guess it didn't work … Connor, did that happen?"
"I didn't go places by myself. At first, I wasn't allowed. Then, when he stopped caring, because he realized I wasn't going to leave him no matter what, I couldn't make myself go outside on my own. He was … basically the only person I saw."
"What about high school? And your university courses?"
"I bargained for them," Connor replied in a whisper. "And I took them all online."
"Oh, Connor."
"I couldn't stand it if you pitied me."
"It's not pity. I just wish that things were different for you."
"That makes two of us." Connor sighed.
"I want to take you out in public," Jude added quickly. "Friends or no. I'm sure you make me look better just by being near me."
"You look all right on your own."
"First I'm cute, then I'm all right. Are you sure you like me?"
"Um, yeah. I'm pretty sure I like you. Sh-should I say something different?"
"Nope. I like you because you're you."
Jude watched as Connor frowned, musing on it. Jude offered him the Nerds again and Connor popped a few in his mouth. Jude wished that he could reach over and take Connor's hand but Jude knew better. He kept his fingers to himself. Connor had a bad night. Jude couldn't imagine how bad if he'd needed to schedule an appointment with a therapist. Jude felt his curiousity flair, but he tamped a lid down on that too. Connor had told him a lot today already.
"You're a very weird person," Connor decided.
Jude laughed. "That's fair. Want the last of the Nerds?"
Connor hesitated and Jude shook the box.
"If you don't mind."
Jude stretched the box out and put them into Connor's palm. He felt the tips of Connor's fingers brush the underside of his wrist. Jude felt goosebumps erupt on his arms. He didn't want to push it and so he didn't try to prompt more contact from Connor. Still, he thought back to yesterday, when he was pressed against Connor's side and had Connor's arms around him. He would move at a crawl if he could lay like that with Connor again.
Connor folded the Nerds box together and then tucked it under the edge of Jude's bag so it wouldn't fly away. Then, he laid down in the grass next to Jude.
"I thought you were taking a me day?"
"I can be me with you," Connor replied. "But it would be nice if we didn't have to talk."
"We can do that after I point out that the cloud above us looks like a unicorn."
Connor let out a little chuckle and then they lapsed into silence, watching the unicorn cloud lazily drift away.
(-.-)
Connor picked at his thumb nail and looked around for Jude. They were supposed to be meeting to study right now but Jude had messaged him and said that he'd needed to stay behind to talk to a professor and he would be about ten minutes late.
"Connor?"
He flinched as a voice came from behind him. He turned to see Jake hurrying toward him. Jake was a guy in his entrepreneur class. In fact, they were part of the same group. The rest of the group was three girls. Aside from one brief meeting in class, Connor hadn't talked to any of them. When there had been five of them brainstorming around a table, Connor hadn't thought twice about Jake, particularly when he'd been sitting between two of the girls. Now, though, when it was just he and Jake on the library steps, Connor felt himself pressing into the concrete wall that doubled as a railing.
"Hi," he said, all the while hoping that Jake stayed way over there.
It didn't happen. Jake crept closer, standing on the same step that Connor was sitting on and then leaning against the metal railing that ran through the middle of the wide front steps.
"I'm glad I ran into you," Jake said. "I managed to stop Alicia and Brandy after class and Alicia said she was going to talk to Caitlyn, but you just disappeared."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Connor murmured.
Jake sat down next to him and the hairs on Connor's arms rose. He wanted to tell Jake to get away from him but he had no idea how to frame the words. He didn't want to offend the other man, anyway. Connor hated the idea of getting on someone's nerves. He hated the idea of being a problem.
"We were just thinking that we should meet up sometime this weekend and try to get a jump start on this project. What do you think?"
Was it Connor's imagination or was Jake closer? His neck started to feel hot. "Oh. Uh. F-f-Friday?"
"I'll ask. We can talk about after class, okay?"
Connor nodded, his chest constricting. Jake's shoulder had just touched his. He saw Jude walking up to the library steps, not focusing on anything but his phone and Connor launched forward. As much as the thought of touching in public made his stomach churn, he'd much rather be in Jude's protective grasp. Jude just grinned at him as Connor abruptly tucked himself under his arm and then Jude kissed him on the cheek, which let loose a flurry of mixed emotions, but the one that was the most dominant was happiness. Jude kissed his cheek in public. That meant that Jude wasn't trying to hide him.
"I've missed you too in the past … four hours?"
"Sorry," Connor said, feeling embarrassed. He was definitely overreacting.
"Hey," Jake called. "I'll talk to you on Friday, okay, Connor?"
Connor nodded and he slung one arm around Jude's waist. Jude stuck his phone in his pocket and Connor looked up to see Jude watching Jake. Connor wondered if he'd made a mistake. If he'd done this in front of his ex, his ex would have launched into full possessiveness. It likely would have been a fight and then, once Connor was home, it would have become his fault that he was creeped out by someone else. It would have been Connor's fault that he'd been talked to. Jude just extended his hand happily.
"Hey, I'm Jude."
"I'm Jake. Nice to meet you but I'm late to meet my girlfriend. See you later, Connor."
"Bye," Connor managed quietly.
He and Jude stood there for a moment, watching Jake watch away. Then, Jude's hand rubbed Connor's shoulder.
"Are you okay?"
"Um, just … didn't want to be close to him. And … felt safer next to you."
"Ready to study?"
"Uh huh."
Connor pulled himself out from under Jude's arm and they walked into the library together. They settled down in the study room that Jude had booked and Connor unpacked his books. Jude sat a package of sour belts on the table and Connor smiled, thanking him.
"You're welcome," Jude said. His phone lit up. "Sorry, but Taylor's talking."
"What's going on? Is she all right?"
"I guess Daria made a decision to get an abortion."
"Oh."
What was Connor supposed to say to that? He'd never been in that position. He never would be. And he'd never met either Taylor or Daria.
"Taylor and Daria have both always been pro-choice but Taylor's finding it hard to actually watch Daria make that decision."
Connor fiddled with the front cover of his book.
"I just might be a little distracted while we're reading, that's all."
"We don't have to study tonight."
"Connor, I really want to. I'd rather not be alone and … I think it'll be good to spend uncomplicated time together. Like we did on Monday and earlier today."
"This is about Sunday, isn't it?" Connor's mouth went dry. "Jude, I'm still so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. With the differences between us though, I'm just scared that I will. I don't want to do it unintentionally either."
"I know you're sorry and I told you, it did hurt me. Honestly, I don't think the differences between us are as big as you're making them out to be, though."
"I feel like I've been doing okay with this and us," Connor said. "And sometimes it just hits me a little bit … what happened to me and how different you are and I'm worried about what happens if it hits me harder. I like you but I'm scared about what that means. My therapist and I talk about it but I still haven't gotten myself through it."
He didn't like to admit that. He wanted to be good enough for Jude that he did get through it. He wanted this to be nice and easy, as much as he knew that it wouldn't be. That wasn't Jude's fault, though; it was all Connor's fault.
"Can I suggest something?"
Connor nodded.
"Next time just tell me you need space and then you can go home and work through it or I'll be there, if you need me to. You getting up and running out left me confused and that's what hurt, because I didn't realize what had gone wrong there. If you say you need space, that's something that I can understand and give you."
"Thank you," Connor murmured. He reached his hand forward and Jude took it. "I don't want you to get sick of me or the way I am."
"I won't."
"Wouldn't it make sense for you to find someone that already knows how to be in a relationship and would be okay with things?"
"And I would if that person was you," Jude replied brightly. "Don't underestimate how much I like you."
"I like you too."
Jude ran his thumb across the back of Connor's hand and Connor squeezed his hand. He didn't want to think that he was lucky for meeting someone like Jude but he felt lucky. The last time he'd seen his ex-boyfriend had been December twenty-third of last year. It just didn't seem right that someone like Jude was in his life already. He thought that it would be better for Jude if they had met a year from now. Connor likely would have been better by then, if at least way further along than he was now. He might even be okay with the word 'boyfriend' and 'relationship' again. He couldn't bring himself to think that way with Jude, not yet. But he thought that, maybe, someday he would. He surprised himself by realizing that, someday, he wanted to.
"Oh, um, do we still have plans for this weekend?" Jude asked.
"Unless you don't want to," Connor replied. He'd never want Jude to feel obligated to spend time with him. He didn't want to be his obligation.
"I want," Jude said brightly. "Saturday afternoon?"
"Yeah, okay."
"No need to sound so excited," Jude teased.
"I like spending time with you," Connor said.
"Good. Let's get the readings done, okay?"
"Okay," Connor agreed, and they settled down to read.
The chapter's title is after the song Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~