Connor and Jude Part Two

The usual disclaimers apply. I do not own The Fosters storyline and characters. This story is a complete work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person living, dead or yet to be born, along with any events that have occurred in the past, present or will occur in the future is purely consequential.

The following story is told in first person by Connor Stevens about his boyfriend Jude Adams-Foster.

Jude

Now that you guys are up to speed with me, my Dad and my Mom, let's start talking about my boyfriend, Jude Jacobs Adams-Foster. The first time I saw him he looked so shy and afraid. I know what it's like being the "new kid", I hadn't been at Anchor Beach that long myself. So from the first time I met him and I just knew we were going to friends. And that he was going to be something really special in my life. Looking back if you ask me if had been love at first sight, all I can say is YES.

He always taught me something about myself, for example, the time he painted his finger nails and those two jerks Blake and Jeremy were bulling him in the hall. He looked like a scared little puppy but he wasn't backing down. It was a good thing the teacher saw him getting shoved in the locker, because I wasn't sure what I was going to do about it. Thinking about it later on that day, I felt so ashamed that I let those two bullies push him around and did nothing. I just knew I had to do something to show I would be there for him the next time. That's why I went to the store and bought a bottle of blue nail polish. The next day when he saw me at lunch, the smile on his face took a little piece of my heart and made me realize it's OK to be different.

Then, there was time I went to his house to work on our DNA model project for school and lied about his father. I have been told to be grateful for all that I have, but you really don't get it until you meet someone doesn't really have anything. Let's face all he had at that time would have fit into two back packs. That's one reason I gave him my PSP. I don't want to say I felt sorry for him, but it was something more like he really needed a good friend, a friend who would not think anything less of him for being a foster kid.

If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a safe place to sleep you are richer than 75% of the world.

The Tent

I know you guys are dying to know about happened on the camping trip and "that" night in the tent. Well, we had a great time at the camp ground that day, the class picnic, hiking and swimming. That night you could hear the crickets chirping in the distance as the camp fire was dying down. Everyone started heading towards their tents. Jude was very apprehensive about sharing a tent together, "What about your Father, what'll he say when he finds out?"

"There aren't any other options, there are not too many other boys in our class. They have already partnered up for the night" I explained. "Besides, I am certainly not going to tell him." He finally relented and agreed to share the tent. And before we get started I am here to tell you, NOTHING HAPPENED that was even remotely sexual between us. But what happened that night was a turning point in our friendship.

As we were getting settled in for the night, somewhere in the woods there was an owl hooting. It almost felt the beginning to one of those scary camp fire horror stories. I know I was scared alright. "Jude I need to talk to you about something." He had this perplexed look on his face, "Please just listen. I have always thought you are someone very special." After taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh, "Here goes. Remember that time we were wrestling in your bedroom and you suddenly needed to go the bathroom?" Jude held his head down. "I am sorry but I am not trying to embarrass you. So don't freak out, but I figured out what happened. I know it happens to all boys at one time or another."

I put my hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye, "It's O.K. that it happened and you will always be my friend." I think his eyes started watering.

"Jude, that night I had a dream about you. It … it was a wet dream and the first dream like that I ever had. We were playing around and then all of a sudden I was waking up and needing to change my underwear. I wasn't sure what to think about it. Then a few days later, my Dad said we couldn't be friends anymore. I just could not stop thinking about losing you as a friend. And that night at your house, when I snuck out and we were playing spin the bottle. When the bottle landed on me and then you, I was really wanted to kiss you, but I was scared to kiss you in front of the girls. So, it didn't matter if you're gay or not, but I am gay!" With that I just leaned and kissed him. Just a plain kiss on the lips and it only lasted a couple of seconds. But most importantly he didn't pull back from it.

When the kiss broke, I sat back, holding my head down, "If you don't want to be my friend anymore, I'll understand."

"Connor, that day it…" he paused looking down at his hands, "It was a first time for me too … you know … making sperm." Then out of the clear blue sky, I heard those words, those special words that changed us forever, "Connor, did you want to be my boyfriend?"

I almost started crying, but I just leaned in for another kiss. This one lasted a lot longer. Again just a simple plain kiss. But, you know that old cliché scene from the movies, where lovers kiss and then fireworks go off. In my brain that is what was happening, there were fireworks, shooting stars in the night sky, I mean the works. I am here to tell you, the warmth of his lips, the smell of his scent, it was so intoxicating. I never thought I could ever feel this good.

We were lost in the monument, when "LIGHTS OUT, EVERYONE", shouted Mrs. Adams-Foster somewhere outside the tent. Startled, we both fell back to separate. I looked at the tent flaps to make sure we were not discovered. Without saying anything else, we turned out the lantern. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a glow stick. I know several other kids brought some for after lights out. I snapped it, then shook it. A soft green light filled the space between us. I knew Jude was getting tired. "It been a really big day for the both of us. I think we need to get some sleep. Good night."

We settled down in separate sleeping bags, in case you were wondering. It was just in case we overslept and wouldn't have to explain why we were sleeping in the same sleeping bag. After getting comfortable, we were just looking at each other in the soft light and it hit me, I never answered his question. "Jude, yes! I want to be your boyfriend" then we both drifted off to sleep.

I woke up later on to hear Jude having a nightmare. I knew he had bad dreams from when we used to have sleep overs, but nothing like this. The tent was still dimly lit by the glow stick we were using. I could see he was tossing and turning, really squirming in his sleeping bag. He was mumbling something I couldn't understand, so I reached over to wake him. I touched his arm and he grabbed my hand and softly said, "Don't leave me!"

While he was gripping my hand, I whispered, "Jude, I am never going to leave you." I could feel his body relax his breathing slowing to a normal rhythm. I don't think he really woke up, but at least this nightmare was over. Our sleeping bags were side by side. Jude did not let go of my hand and was still holding it to his chest when I fell back asleep.

The next morning when I woke up, he was already up and out of the tent. When he came back from the campground latrine I asked how he slept. His only reply was "Good". I wasn't sure if he remembered his dream and me trying to wake him up from it. This was another time he took a piece of my heart.

Days later, I was not too happy with him, when he told me he had told his Moms about that night in the tent. But I kind of understood because he thought Mrs. Adams-Foster quit her job as Vice Principal after having a fight with my Dad over Jude being gay and us sleeping together in the tent. Then, I went totally ballistic when he told me later they had to tell my father.

Talk about an awkward situation, Jude, me, my Dad, Mrs. Adams-Foster and the principal talking about the camping trip and the infamous night in the tent. Afterwards all I could see was RED. When he came up to me outside, I just let loose on him, calling him, "a little bitch" and then walked away.

At this point all I can say is that it was one of the top five biggest mistakes of life. I'll tell you about the other four later on. That night all I could think of how much that I hurt him. How self-centered and selfish could I have been? I mean, losing his and Callie's Mother, then getting taken away from his Father, going into foster care and not being able to get adopted with his sister.

The Group Movie Date

That night at the movies with Daria, Taylor and Jude, became another turning point in our relationship. When I put the theater chair arm down, I do not know if it was an unconscious effort to create another barrier between us, so I would not have to face my emotions for Jude. Feeling guilty, I barely noticed Daria sitting next to me. I was not interested in making out with her, even though she was perfectly willing to do so. Hey, the movie date was her idea anyway. Feelings had been really strained between us. During the entire movie all I could think about was Jude, and what he was thinking of me. The little voice in my head told me to man up and make a move. Even if it was a small one, I had to know if there was any hope for us.

I have touched Jude before, you know fist bumped, putting my arm around his shoulder, and patting him on the back and such. But when I touched his little finger with mine, it felt like nothing I had felt before, it was like electricity running though my body. I could sense his alarm when we touched. My heart pounded in my chest, my breathing got faster and shorter. And yes, something else was starting to get hard too, if you know what I mean. This was the monument of truth for us as boyfriends. And the relief I felt when he returned the touch and allowed our pinkies to intertwine.

Let's face it, Jude had Steff and Lena to talk too about being gay, but who did I have? He last person I wanted to talk to about my sexuality was my Dad. Here I was a thirteen year old, filled with raging hormones compounded by mixed emotions; nervous, scared, curious, all of the above. No wonder I was all over the place. I tried to have both Daria and Jude, but Jude wasn't having any of that. Sure, I made out with Daria, but there was something missing, I just didn't know what. I mean to tell you I have not had these kind of feelings for anyone else, but with Jude it was a completely different thing.

The Last Sleepover

I was really nervous when Lena, uh, Mrs. Adams-Foster called me to her office and told me my Dad had called. With him trying to build a wall between me and Jude, I couldn't believe he just asked for me to spend the night at his house! Again I must had looked like a cartoon character with my jaw on the floor. But wait, didn't he tell me earlier that morning he was going on another family camping trip. Oh well, I guess he just got caught in a big fat lie.

That night we were laying on his bed playing video games. It felt like it did before my Dad tried to keep us apart. Jude doesn't know it but I did catch him looking at me when we were playing the game. With Jesus sleeping the same room with us, it meant we had to play it cool and I had to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. Sometime during the night I felt Jude's hand hit my shoulder. He must have turned over and his hand ended up hanging off the side of the bed. I just reached up and grabbed it. I didn't care of Jesus saw us or not, I was just happy to be here holding my boyfriend's hand. I fell back asleep.

The next day I couldn't have been happier. Playing catch with Jude and chasing him around the back yard, throwing him to ground. Straddling over him, pinning him down. Looking in to those big brown eyed of his just begging me to lean in and kiss him. Being out in the open in the backyard I was about to throw caution to the wind. Then Daria texted and I ruined the mood.

After texting her back that we were not coming over, I walked up to Jude's room and he was sulking. I really was trying to cheer him up and then he was kicking me. Him yelling about me kissing HIM and holding HIS hand. That was my wakeup call about our relationship, so I kissed him. Afterwards we started talking, about Daria, me trying to fool my Dad as well as myself. Now all I can say is "I was an ASS!" We both came to the conclusion that we were going to have to let the rents in our little BIG secret, sooner rather than later. And a few night later, I got shot and our whole world changed.

Getting Caught

Before my Dad caught us making out in my room with our shirts off, Jude and I had an opportunity for a make out secession a few days before that. We were at his house after school. We rode our bikes from school, because Mrs. Adams-Foster had some afternoon conferences to attend. Callie was at Girls United, Officer Adams-Foster was on duty, Jesus was at boarding school, Marianna had to work at the bakery and Brandon was at Idyllwild. We had the house all to ourselves! And before your dirty little minds go into overdrive, we kept our pants on and zipped up the whole time. In this Information Age we already knew all about gay sex from the internet. We kind of had this unspoken agreement that we were not going to be doing anything below the waist any time soon.

It's not to often we would find ourselves alone in the Adams-Foster's residence. We dropped our backpacks in the entry way. Just standing there staring into those big brown eyes of his, "Gee, we have the house all to ourselves." I grabbed his hand, gave him a mischievous grin and nodded in the direction of the stairs, "What will we ever do?"

We went up to his room. I followed him through the door, but never closed it. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I rested by chin on his right shoulder. He tilted his head and I kissed the side of his neck right below his ear. He turned and kissed me on the lips. Then he sat down on the bed and he patted the spot next to him for me to sit beside him. As we were kicking our shoes off, out of the clear blue sky it came. "Connor, do you want to try a French kiss?" Daria and I had French kissed, but it did more for her than it ever did for me. But idea of doing that with Jude was a dream come true.

He looked a little scared as I leaned in, but I went slowly. I just slightly opened my mouth and just touched his lips with the tip of my tongue. It was almost as good as that first kiss in the tent. Again in my head, that old cliché movie scene, lovers kissing, the fireworks go off. The moist warmth of his lips, the smell of his scent, it was intoxicating all over again. I leaned in again. He opened his mouth and the tips of our tongues touch. It felt like the hairs on my arm were standing up from the electricity between us. As we began the next round of kisses, he leaned back on the bed and I moved up next to him.

Making out on his bed, we were on our sides facing each other. His hand had found its way under my shirt. So I slid my hand under his shirt and stroked along his side. His skin was so soft. My hand came to rest on his hip. I wanted to pull him a little closer. I went to slide my hand along his waist to his lower back, but my little finger unintentionally slid under the waist band of his underwear. It must have startled him, because he grabbed my wrist and had this look of panic on his face.

"I'm sorry, it I wasn't trying …" I was startled at his reaction and very confused.

Letting go of my wrist, he cut me off, "I know you weren't. You know I'm ticklish." I just knew there was something more to it. People who are ticklish laugh not look like the just had a really bad scare. He was holding something back.

I just started staring into those dreamy eyes of his. We intertwined our fingers and he leaned in for another kiss. It was a long kiss and when finished we just laid there grinning at each other. Then we heard the front door slam! "I'm home!" Marianna shouted from down stairs. We both realized the bedroom door was wide open. Both of us jumped up, grabbed our shoes and tucked in our shirts. We both bumped into each other as were trying to get through the bedroom door just as she was getting to the top of the stairs.

"And just what are you two doing … home all alone?" she asked with that cat who just ate the canary grin on her face.

As we stood there with that 'kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar' look "Just … doing … homework" Jude stammered.

Turning to go into her and Callie's room, "Right … just doing homework." While closing the door she looked back at us with a smirk on her face, "With both of your book bags down stairs."

Busted was all I could think, so we when down stairs. We grabbed a snack from the kitchen, then started doing our homework on the dining room table. Sitting there I looked up at Jude, "Do you think she saw anything?"

Looking back up at me, "How could she, she was downstairs."

Not sure just how long Marianna had been home, I suggested, "Next time we need to make sure the door is closed."

It seemed the more I grew closer to Jude, the more it widen the gap between me and my Dad. And it wasn't all his fault, because I felt I just couldn't talk to him about Jude and our relationship. Jude has Stef and Lena, but how am I going to ask my Dad's advice about dating another boy? He is really trying to accept me being gay, but the way he looks at me sometimes is hard to describe. All I can think of is he's just so disappointed in me, like I have really let him down. Plus after getting shot I missed this year's baseball tryouts and the entire season. So, we don't have anything to talk about anymore. Meals together are silent affairs. The rest of the time he either in his office or his bedroom, or I was in my bedroom. I just felt all alone in our house.

Where it went from bad to worse is when walked in on me and Jude making out on my bed with our shirts off. We were supposed to be doing homework. We started playing footsie, then one thing lead to another and we ended up on my bed. I fell back on my bed and Jude was on top of me. This time he was the aggressor, pulling my shirt off first. I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and off, tossing to the floor. The kissing was more intense than ever before. All I'll say it involved tongue, teeth and tonsils. His hands were on my bare chest as mine roamed all over his back.

Growing up Dad and me rarely closed our bedroom doors all the way, let alone lock them. Around eleven, I started closing the door more, especially when I was having some "private Connor time." It never occurred to me actually lock the door. We did not hear the knocking or the door being opened. We both froze as we heard the sound of Dad clearing this throat. Staring at each other in shock, we heard "Jude, I think it's time for you to go home."

Turning to leave, "Jude when you're dressed, I'll be waiting for you in the Living Room."

"Oh Shit!" was all I could get out.

Pulling his shirt back on, "Are you going to be OK?"

I didn't bother putting my shirt back on, "Yea, I'll be OK."

He packed up his books into his backpack, "l will talk to him."

"No, I better do it" I replied. I took his hand and entwined our fingers, "I need to stand up to him."

We walked down the hall holding hands. Dad was sitting on the sofa and looked up as we entered the Living Room, "Jude would you mind waiting in the car, please. I need to talk to Connor for a minute before I take you home."

He gave me a concerned look as I walked him to the door. I was going to kiss him but I thought it only exacerbate the situation. You like that big word. Jude has been helping me with my vocabulary, while I helped him with his math. We hugged and I opened the door, "I'll be OK and I'll text you later."

"Dad…" but he cut me off by just holding up his hand.

"I'm sure you can guess I am a little upset. Well maybe upset is not the right word, more like worried. Connor, we'll talk when I get back." He got up grabbing his car keys and left without saying anything else. I just stood there dumb founded as I heard the car crank up and pull out of the drive way. I don't how long I was standing there before going back to my room. I was sitting at my desk thinking, how bad is going to be when he gets back. I was worried what he might say to Jude, maybe even try and separate us again.

I had already told Mom I'm gay, at least she seemed more accepting of me and Jude. I was really upset so I called her and we talked for a long time. She made me feel a lot better, so I asked her if could come live with her in L.A. She said yes.

When Dad got back home, he came to my room and asked me to come into the Living Room. He didn't look angry, but more like tired and worried. He sat down on the sofa and I sat down in the arm chair next to it. It was like Déjà vu from the time we talked about my Mom. "Dad, Jude and I weren't doing anything" I pleaded.

"Connor before you get all wound up, let me tell you the reaction would have been the same if you have had a girl in your room." He settled back and folded his arm. "Jude's Mom suggested we have and I quote, The Talk." I must had looked like a cartoon character, again, with my eyes bugging out of my face in shock. "I'm going to spare you the embarrassment. You're a smart kid and I am sure you already know what you need to know about basics of sex. And I have no earthly idea about how to talk you about gay sex."

My face was turning bright red, "Dad, we aren't having SEX! We were just kissing."

"I know you are growing up, faster than I would like, but hopefully it's later rather than sooner that you'll start having sex."

Oh My GOD! Was all I could think, "Dad we aren't …"

Holding his hand up, "Connor, please let's just get this over with. Even in this day and time, being a gay teenager is not easy. Let alone being the parent of a gay teenager. I have no idea what I am doing here. I have never been this concerned about what to do. Even more so than when your Mother left us and we moved out to California. Connor I know firsthand how bad it can get. When I was junior in high school, there was a freshman in my school, the kid was openly gay. He got bullied and it was really bad. So bad that he ended up taking his own life the night before the Junior Prom."

"Dad you want have to worry about me anymore", I stood up so I could at least figuratively stand up to him, "I want to go live with Mom!"

"What?" looking very shocked.

"I called and talked with her while you were taking Jude home. She said that after I got shot she cut back on the traveling for her job. That way she could be home for me." I just left him and when back to my room.

That night after Callie's Adoption Day, I was laying on my bed just staring at the ceiling thinking about the events of the day. Callie's speech in the courtroom. Jude telling me he loved me and me telling him I loved him too. How he was willing to let me go live with my Mom, because I could be happy and feel safe.

I texted Jude: Good nite and I luv U 3.

Jude texted back: Good nite my luv 3.

At that point my emotions just over whelmed me. Leaving my home, my school, and moving to L.A. with my Mom. Most of all I was breaking the promise I had made to Jude to never leave him. I curled up into a fetal position and just started crying. Feeling so hopeless and alone, I now understand way so many young people feel like ending it all is the only way out. For a brief moment I actually consider it. But all I could think was how much it would hurt Jude, he's lost so much in his life already.

I don't know how long Dad had been in my room, sitting on the edge of my bed. Let alone how I ended up with him in his arms, holding me in his lap, with my head on his shoulder crying. Stroking my hair, "Shish … it'll be alright. Connor I am really trying." I could tell he was getting emotional too, "Connor … Connor that kid from school was my cousin Jason. Son I love you." He kissed the top of my head, "Connor I don't want you to leave." In his arms at that moment I felt safe and loved.

No matter bad you think it is or how lost and alone you feel, taking you own life is never the answer. There is someone out there that can help. (800) 273-8255 the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.